All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E04.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
Don Henley.

And starring James Woods.

Ladies and gentlemen,
James Woods!

Thank you.

Thank you.

This is so exciting for me--

hosting the Halloween show.

I started out
in New York theater,

and it’s just great
to be back.

And doing this show’s
a real kick, too.

It’s a chance to try
different things.

Because I think
I kind of need that.

Let’s face it--
I make a lot of movies,

and I usually play
the same kind of guy--

you know, the psycho,
the lunatic,

the sociopath, the weirdo.

And I just gotta tell you,
that’s not me.

That’s not who I really am.
I mean, I’m a--

I’m really a fairly normal
kind of person,

just a kind of nice,
well-adjusted,

run-of-the-mill
sort of boring guy.

I go to bed
about 10:00 at night,

play softball
on weekends...

That face!
That’s him!

That’s the guy
who attacked us
in the park!

You’re right!
That’s that weirdo!

I’m calling the police!

...do every day.
I got a wife and a dog.

Not necessarily
in that order.

Heh heh. A little joke.

Yes? Yes, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

We have received
several phone calls,

and we are surrounding
the building.

If trying to get
my golf scores below 90
makes me a psycho,

then, hey, lock me up.

( laughs )
No, but seriously,

I think I’ve got a real
uphill battle here
to overcome--

to overcome my image.

In The Onion Field,
I played a sociopathic
cop killer.

In The Boost, I played
a desperate cocaine addict.

I was a heartless hit man
in Best Seller.

No, I’m not complaining,
really.

They’re good roles,
but they’re just not me.

I’m just a Joe Schmo
from Kokomo.

Heck, I might as well
be an honorary Osmond.

They just don’t come
any more emotionally together
than Jimmy Woods.

I just don’t want
any shooting

unless it’s
absolutely necessary.

All right, Mr. Michaels,
but I don’t know
if you realize

what kind of sick,
psychotic weirdo freak it is

that we’re dealing with
out there.

I just can’t
take the chance

that you might
shoot Dana Carvey.

All right, what about
members of the audience?

Let me see what
it says on the back
of the ticket.

Do what
you have to do.

The craziest week
I’ve ever had

is probably the one I spent
working with this cast.

I just had the best time.

And what an amazing
group of people.

They’ve been so nice
and so supportive.

We’re like one big family
here, really.

Everyone helps everyone else,
and I gotta tell you,

I’m gonna be really sad
when it’s all over

because I feel like
I’ve become such good friends
with all these people.

When you work together
for so many hours,

you really get to know
your fellow actors.

If the cast thought
I was a little straight,

I guess they didn’t seem
to hold it against me.

They’re terrific.
Okay, look--there’s Nora Dunn.

Come on, what are you doing?
Hiding?

Come on,
let’s get you up here.

Come on, Nora.
Don’t make me mad.

Come on. Come on!
Come on up.

Nora, come on, don’t be shy.
It’s Jimmy.

We’ve been working
together all week.
Get up here.

What are you doing? Nora Dunn,
ladies and gentlemen.

Is she the best, huh?

I don’t understand what--

You’re kind of
shaking here.

It’s live. So what? Relax.
( laughs nervously )

It’ll be a great show.
Don Henley’s here.

We’ll be right back.

Look at that little face.

( cheers and applause )

NARRATOR:
The barbeque is over.

But what do you do with those
hot leftover briquettes?

You can’t just leave them.

And pouring water on them
would make a big mess.

Isn’t this the perfect time
for Yard-a-pult?

Yard-a-pult--the convenient
backyard appliance

that lets you cast
your troubles to the wind.

With Yard-a-pult,
there’s no fuss, no muss.

You merely cock,
load and launch.

And, with a firing range
of nearly one full block,

with Yard-a-pult,
it stays gone.

Yard-a-pult is ideal
for getting rid of
dog droppings...

cooking grease...

old tires...

disposable diapers...

even car batteries.

In fact,
Yard-a-pult gets rid
of just about anything.

And best of all--

you even have
the launching power

to send old,
worn-out appliances--
like air conditioners--

out of sight
and out of mind.

So, why drag it
to the dump...

when you can
Yard-a-pult it?

Yard-a-pult can even help
with those special problems.

But, Daddy,
if Tippy is dead,

shouldn’t we bury him?

We’re just helping him
get to heaven, honey.

Yard-a-pult...

Nighttime launching
recommended

for septic tank refuse.

October 26, 1989.

From ABC News,
this isPrimetime Live.

Hello, I’m Sam Donaldson.

And I’m Diane Sawyer.

And I’m Sam Donaldson.

And this is
Primetime Live,

where we bring you
live interviews

and live coverage of
events as they happen.

Tonight, we’re going
to be covering

the controversial
issue of abortion.

But before that,
we’ll be talking
to Kirk Cameron,

the star of TV’s
Growing Pains.

And it’ll all be
coming to you live.

Diane, we’ve got quite
an exciting show tonight.

Yes, we do, Sam,
but I’m afraid I’m going
to have to spend it

keeping an eye on you.
( laughs )

I just hope that I can
keep up with you.

Well, I suppose
that’s better
than an I.O.U.

What?

Perhaps we’d better
get started, Sam.

So, the part where
we banter is over?

Yes, yes.
All right.

Earlier today,
on the steps

of the Florida
State Supreme Court,

there was a violent
confrontation

between anti-abortion
activists

and Florida State
Police.

Perhaps you’ve seen
coverage of it

on other TV news shows.

But we’re bringing
the scene to you
right now...live!

There it is.

Apparently, things
have calmed down.

That’s right, Sam.
But just hours ago,
it was a madhouse.

I saw it on the news.

And now you’re
seeing it live!

Now let’s check in to
the Missouri State Senate,

where tomorrow they’ll
be voting on a bill

that would severely
restrict abortion rights.

There it is...live!

That’s going to be
a crowded room
tomorrow, Sam.

That’s right, Diane.

It would certainly be
exciting to be there,
wouldn’t it?

Yes, it would.
But it would be
quite a commute

from here to Missouri.

Yes. Well, maybe
we could carpool.

But you pay
for the tolls.

I can think of
a few senators who
would pay for the gas.

What?

Oh, sorry. Nothing.

Well, it’s time
to bring out
our first guest.

One of the most
popular shows of
the past decade--

Excuse me, Diane.
Yes, Sam?

You know, there may be
some skeptics out there

who don’t believe that
we’re actually live.

Well, take a look
at this.

See? 10:07--
the correct time.

Now, some of you may say
that I preset this watch

specially
to appear correct.

But what would you say...
about twowatches?

Back to you, Diane.

Thank you, Sam.

One of the most
popular shows of
the past decade

has been
Growing Pains.

We’ve followed
the trials
and tribulations

of the Seaver family
for five years now,

and there’s just
no end in sight.

And joining us now--

Live!

Is Mike Seaver himself--
Kirk Cameron.

Kirk, welcome.
Hi, everybody!

Kirk, how do you
explain the show’s
continuing success?

Well, I think it’s just
the, um--the simplicity.

It’s just something that
everybody can relate to.

Um, I just think everybody
enjoys seeing us all grow up.

Oh, come on,
Mr. Cameron!

You can’t be serious!

I’m sorry, Sam?

Well, isn’t it true
that this year’s episodes
of Growing Pains

aren’t up to snuff?

Jeez,
I don’t think so.

Oh, now, really,
Mr. Cameron!

Take last
week’s episode,

when you and Boner snuck
out of History class.

Wasn’t it essentially
the same as the one
last year

when you snuck out
of the school assembly?

Is Diane there?

Don’t worry, Kirk.
I’m keeping an eye
on him for you.

Answer my question!

Hey, back off, okay?

Come on,
we’re making changes!

Hey, I have a new
adopted little sister
on the show.

Come here, Jamie,
come here.

Here she is.
This is Jamie Charles,

and she plays Nikki,
the newest Seaver.

And she’s just great.
Will you say hello,
Jamie?

Hi!

You see?
You’re gonna love her!

Hello, Jamie. Sam?

Oh, come on, Jamie!
Isn’t this just a cop-out?

Sam, please.

Oh, sure, let’s just
wheel in another cute kid

every time we can’t
think of a decent plot.

The American people
aren’t buying it, Jamie.

And it’s time you
and your network cronies
faced the facts.

It’s okay, Jamie.
It’s okay.

We have to go.

Yeah, well,
you can run,
but you can’t hide.

Sam, you made her cry.

I’m sorry.
Mistakes happen.

But only
when it’s live!

But still, Sam,
it wasn’t exactly
appropriate.

Well, I’ve never seen
such a small human before.

I guess they’re the ones
called "children".

Well, it’s time
for our cover story.

But first, let’s
take a live look

at the Everglades
National Park.

There it is--live!

It’s a beautiful place.

Oh, it certainly is, Sam.

Before we continue,
we’ve made a few
format changes.

From now on, I’ll sit
in Diane’s seat,

and Diane will sit
in my seat.

Right now, we go back
to our main story--

abortion.

Congressman James Ellis
of Missouri

is running for reelection
in that state,

and he joins us live
from Ladue, Missouri.

Welcome, Congressman.

Hello, Diane.

Congressman, regarding
your stance on abortion--

might we suppose that
a fly on the wall of your
campaign headquarters

would possibly be,
hmm, intrigued

by certain decisions
that--

let’s just say,
might give one pause?

I’m sorry, Diane.
What’s the question,
please?

Well, doesn’t it seem
as though the cow

has just jumped over
the moon a few more times

than one might...
be allotted?

Are you coming on to me,
Miss Sawyer?

I mean, I don’t understand
what you’re saying.

Excuse me,
Congressman.

I’ve just thought of
another way to prove
that we’re live.

What do you mean, sir?

Now, if you’ll
just bear with me...

Yes, Sam?

See? Knots Landing
is on.

That’s up against us.

See? L.A. Law.

Everybody knows that
L.A. Lawis on.

I wonder if we can
find a live program.

Excuse me, Sam,
I’d really like to go on.

This’ll just be
a second, Congressman.

Flipping, looking.

Ah, there we go--
a live hockey game.

That should prove it,
Congressman.

We’ll just keep it on
till we get a score.

Sam, could I just
state my position?

Well, Congressman, I’m afraid
that’s all the time
we have for you.

Diane, you’re
a stinky whore.

Sam!
Well, it’s nothing
personal.

I was just saying that
to prove that the show
was live!

Now, had it been taped,

they would’ve edited out
that offensive comment.

But you got
to hear at home
on Primetime Live!

Good night.
We’ll be right back.

And I’m gonna have
to keep an eye on you.

And I’m going
to have to--
keep on me--on you--

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

I don’t know.
I just had to ask--

why do pumpkins never
take care of their teeth?

Last Monday, President Bush
signed legislation

that puts more of
our national forests

off-limits to logging,

which will protect the habitat
of endangered spotted owls.

After a year in office,
it’s nice to see George

is really confronting
the hard issues head-on, huh?

The Exxon Corporation
announced Thursday

it would move its
corporate headquarters
and 300 employees

from the Exxon Building
in Manhattan

to a 132-acre office park
near Dallas, Texas.

Exxon Chairman
Lawrence G. Rawl

said the company had concluded
that, "the Dallas area

"offered the best
combination of factors

from the standpoint
of our employees,"

and also added,
"Besides, it’s landlocked,

and we just don’t
trust ourselves anymore."

One of the revelations
in Nancy Reagan’s new book

is that daughter Patti
was born seven months after she
and Ronald Reagan were married.

Yes, indeed--Nancy Reagan
was a pregnant bride.

When asked if this fact
didn’t conflict with her views

in her 1981
autobiography Nancy,

where she disapproved
of premarital sex,

she said,
"No, I was abstaining.
Ronnie wasn’t."

In Washington Thursday,

Senator John Glenn
was suddenly punched

by a disturbed bystander
while being interviewed on TV.

Weekend Update had
a camera crew there.

We caught not only the punch,
but his actual reaction.

Let’s watch.

President--

Thank you.

Thank you for applauding
John Glenn being punched.

( laughs )

President Bush has spent
the last two days

with western hemisphere leaders
in San José, Costa Rica.

Victoria Jackson is down
in San José with this report.
Victoria?

Dennis, the big story here
is the announcement...

( over-emphasizing)
by Nicaragua President
Daniel Ortega

that he will abandon his truce
with the U.S.-backed Contras.

The Sandinista leader
surprised the other presidents

meeting here in San José,

especially host
Oscar Arias Sánchez.

Uh, Vicky,
did you do any
special preparation

for your report?

Well, I listened to
the network correspondents
Spanish pronunciation tape.

Can you tell?

Yeah, we can.
Now, tell me, Vicky,

what was
President Bush’s
reaction

to the Ortega
announcement?

Well, um...

I don’t think Bush
likes Nicaragua.

I think that he likes
the Contras

more than
the Sandinistas.

But I’m not sure why.

Well, thank you, Vic.
Hasta mañana.

What?

Never mind, never mind.
Thank you.

Victoria Jackson
from Costa Rica.

And it was an odd coupling
on a Buena Vista, Florida,
golf course last week,

where locals thought
they saw the Vice President
of the United States

and the host of NBC’s
Today Showplaying golf,

although they weren’t
quite sure.

But checking with
the clubhouse sign-in sheet

proved that they were right.

There it is--
Bumble and Gumbel.

Treasury Secretary
Nicholas Brady this week

telekinetically destroyed
everyone at his senior prom

after some of his
classmates mocked him

and threw
cow’s blood on him.

The Supreme Court adjourned
for Halloween yesterday.

Boy, Sandy O’Connor is
a spooky-looking dame,
isn’t she?

Fundamentalist preacher
Jim Bakker was sentenced
this week

to 45 years in prison
and $500,000 in fines

for money-scamming
off his ministry.

Yeah. Here we see Bakker
leaving the courthouse
in leg irons.

When local authorities
were asked if they didn’t
feel that was a bit much,

they said, "Oh, that was
Jim’s request. He is a freak."

This week,
the Vatican announced

it was in the red last year
by $57 million.

It blamed the huge deficit
on international
Bingo skimming.

The Swiss conglomerate
Nestle--

which already makes Raisinets,
Bit-O-Honey and Chunky--

is now buying Baby Ruth
and Butterfinger

for $370 million cash,

and today announced
a hostile takeover

of the company
that makes Clearasil.

With the able assistance

of Republican gubernatorial
candidate Jim Courter
on the left

and New Jersey Governor
Thomas Kean, right,

Vice President Quayle
this week, in a
New Jersey ceremony,

finally learned how
to walk upright.

A new 45-minute video
entitled Corey Haim--
Me, Myself and I,

was released this week.

It shows the teen actor
driving his new sports car

and revealing his thoughts
on the perfect date.

"It’s basically a day
in the life of Corey Haim,"
said a spokesman.

"He wants to give something
back to his fans."

Aaaaaaaah!

And here--

Thank you, Corey.

And here, once again,
is a man

who makes this whole
rotten business
worthwhile for me--

A. Whitney Brown
with the Big Picture.
Hello, Whitney.

Well, my friends,
Ronald Reagan was
in Japan this week,

kowtowing to
our corporate competitors

and pimping his presidential
prestige to the highest bidder.

You know, I don’t think
any of us expected the Gipper

to emerge as
an elder statesman.

I pictured him melting
into a pool chair in Bel Air,

haranguing
his Nicaraguan lawn boy

about the evils
of bilingualism

and telling rambling
war stories about Grenada.

But that was a little
too dignified, apparently.

You know, it’s humiliating
that an ex-President
of the United States

has a part-time job
with a country

whose main export was
imitation Indian souvenirs
not too long ago--

meaning Japan, of course.

It demeans the presidency,
if that’s still possible--

especially when he goes on
the Fujisaki Japanese Network

to say how glad he is
that Sony gobbled up
Columbia Pictures

because the Japanese
can now bring some class
back to Hollywood.

I guess he’s referring
to the fact that they’re gonna
release Mothraon Beta.

Well, you won’t hear me
criticizing him for making
too much money on this trip.

$2 million for two speeches?
They’re getting him cheap.

That Star Wars speech alone
must’ve cost us $200 billion,
minimum.

Besides the $2 million
speaking fee,

Fuji’s also donating
a few million for
the Reagan Library.

He’s actually
gonna build one--

I guess to preserve
all the important papers

he never got around
to reading...

or that Ollie North
didn’t shred.

I’m sure it’ll be
a real magnet for scholars
in the future.

The Reagan Library.

I see a split-level
stucco warehouse

with rows of Reader’s Digest
condensed books

and a magnifying glass
beside very chair.

You know, when you put
all this in the Big Picture,

I’m sorry to say
the Japanese are getting
their money’s worth.

On the other hand,
they didn’t elect him...

which is the reason
they can afford to hire him.

And that, my friends,
is the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney.
Thank you, Dennis.

Whitney Brown.

Thank you, sir.

I’m sorry, but I just saw
The Bearyesterday,

and it stunk!

It was a nightmare!

Two hours of pure hell.

I was completely revulsed.

God, no stars.
No stars. Forget it.

It just stunk.
The bear stunk.

( spits )

Just kidding.
I didn’t even see it.

Little tech problem, kids.
Bear with me.

( laughs ) All that
for the bear joke. Okay.

The bear’s karma nailed me.

A new condom product--
the Mentor Magnum condom--

was on the market
this week.

It’s larger than
standard latex condoms

for men who might find
regular condoms tight
and uncomfortable.

You know, uh...

I’m wearing one right now.

Yeah.

And, you know,
they really are bigger.

I’m also wearing
a regular condom right now,

but I’m not gonna
show it to you...

’cause I’m just
an impish little centaur.

( laughs )

All right.

This being the beginning
of my fifth season,

I felt it was
time to reaffirm my
Weekend Update oath.

Assisting me in that oath
is none other than me.

Hello, Dennis.

Okay. Hello, baby.
How are you?

All right.

Repeat after me.
I, Dennis Miller...

I, Captain Hairdo...

do solemnly swear...
do solemnly swear...

to keep a vigilant eye
on the social

and political leaders
of our time

in the event that
they disappoint us...

Yeah, to keep
an eye on pinheads

like Jim and
Tammy Faye Bakker.

What’s with
these cretins?

Let me tell you
something, folks--

I would sleep
with Jim Bakker

before I’d sleep
with Tammy Bakker.

What’s that
all about, huh?

It’s gotta be like
doing it with the
Joker from Batman.

( laughs )

( laughs )

You know, I’m just
narcissistic enough
to love that.

Keep it rollin’.

To never put myself
or my career
before the news.

To milk the mock
humility thing

if I see any career
advancement in it.

And to keep an eye on
the figures in the world
of entertainment,

in the event that they
start to take themselves
too seriously.

Like when Zsa Zsa
the Goulash Bitch

whacks
Officer Poncherello
from CHiPs.

Yeah, how old
is this dame, huh?

She’s had
more tucks than
a bed at a Ramada.

And guess what, folks?

BOTH: That’s the news,
and we are outta here.

( spooky sound effects )

Honestly...why can’t
someone build a spook house

that doesn’t insult
my intelligence?

Someone has.

Hello.
I’m Leona Helmsley,

welcoming you
to the Helmsley Spook House,

located atop
the Helmsley Palace Hotel

in Midtown Manhattan.

From the moment you arrive,
you’ll be pampered

like no other spook house
has ever pampered you.

Right away, you’ll notice
the little things--

things like...real skeletons.

Never plastic.

Live rats.

Real cow eyes.

We could’ve skimped
and used peeled grapes,

but our customers would’ve
known the difference.

I know I would.

And walls that drip
real human blood.

I wouldn’t be frightened
by animal blood.

Why should you be?

( maniacal laughter )

( laughter stops )

And then there’s our staff--

courteous, efficient,

and fluent
in several languages--

unlike the lazy
clock-watchers

you find at cut-rate
spook houses.

Now, granted--an evening
at the Helmsley Spook House

is not inexpensive,

but, then,
the best seldom is.

( woman shrieks )

Children under 18
not permitted.

I’ll be seeing you...

in your nightmares.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

*

So, can we do it
all over again, please?

I want to thank Don Henley!
Don Henley!

And the great cast
of Saturday Night Live!

You’re the greatest!

You guys are the greatest.
Thank you so much!