Original subtitles

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Don Henley.

And starring James Woods.

Ladies and gentlemen, James Woods!

Thank you.

Thank you.

This is so exciting for me--

hosting the Halloween show.

I started out in New York theater,

and it’s just great to be back.

And doing this show’s a real kick, too.

It’s a chance to try different things.

Because I think I kind of need that.

Let’s face it-- I make a lot of movies,

and I usually play the same kind of guy--

you know, the psycho, the lunatic,

the sociopath, the weirdo.

And I just gotta tell you, that’s not me.

That’s not who I really am. I mean, I’m a--

I’m really a fairly normal kind of person,

just a kind of nice, well-adjusted,

run-of-the-mill sort of boring guy.

I go to bed about 10:00 at night,

play softball on weekends...

That face! That’s him!

That’s the guy who attacked us in the park!

You’re right! That’s that weirdo!

I’m calling the police!

...do every day. I got a wife and a dog.

Not necessarily in that order.

Heh heh. A little joke.

Yes? Yes, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

We have received several phone calls,

and we are surrounding the building.

If trying to get my golf scores below 90 makes me a psycho,

then, hey, lock me up.

( laughs ) No, but seriously,

I think I’ve got a real uphill battle here to overcome--

to overcome my image.

In The Onion Field, I played a sociopathic cop killer.

In The Boost, I played a desperate cocaine addict.

I was a heartless hit man in Best Seller.

No, I’m not complaining, really.

They’re good roles, but they’re just not me.

I’m just a Joe Schmo from Kokomo.

Heck, I might as well be an honorary Osmond.

They just don’t come any more emotionally together than Jimmy Woods.

I just don’t want any shooting

unless it’s absolutely necessary.

All right, Mr. Michaels, but I don’t know if you realize

what kind of sick, psychotic weirdo freak it is

that we’re dealing with out there.

I just can’t take the chance

that you might shoot Dana Carvey.

All right, what about members of the audience?

Let me see what it says on the back of the ticket.

Do what you have to do.

The craziest week I’ve ever had

is probably the one I spent working with this cast.

I just had the best time.

And what an amazing group of people.

They’ve been so nice and so supportive.

We’re like one big family here, really.

Everyone helps everyone else, and I gotta tell you,

I’m gonna be really sad when it’s all over

because I feel like I’ve become such good friends with all these people.

When you work together for so many hours,

you really get to know your fellow actors.

If the cast thought I was a little straight,

I guess they didn’t seem to hold it against me.

They’re terrific. Okay, look--there’s Nora Dunn.

Come on, what are you doing? Hiding?

Come on, let’s get you up here.

Come on, Nora. Don’t make me mad.

Come on. Come on! Come on up.

Nora, come on, don’t be shy. It’s Jimmy.

We’ve been working together all week. Get up here.

What are you doing? Nora Dunn, ladies and gentlemen.

Is she the best, huh?

I don’t understand what--

You’re kind of shaking here.

It’s live. So what? Relax. ( laughs nervously )

It’ll be a great show. Don Henley’s here.

We’ll be right back.

Look at that little face.

( cheers and applause )

NARRATOR: The barbeque is over.

But what do you do with those hot leftover briquettes?

You can’t just leave them.

And pouring water on them would make a big mess.

Isn’t this the perfect time for Yard-a-pult?

Yard-a-pult--the convenient backyard appliance

that lets you cast your troubles to the wind.

With Yard-a-pult, there’s no fuss, no muss.

You merely cock, load and launch.

And, with a firing range of nearly one full block,

with Yard-a-pult, it stays gone.

Yard-a-pult is ideal for getting rid of dog droppings...

cooking grease...

old tires...

disposable diapers...

even car batteries.

In fact, Yard-a-pult gets rid of just about anything.

And best of all--

you even have the launching power

to send old, worn-out appliances-- like air conditioners--

out of sight and out of mind.

So, why drag it to the dump...

when you can Yard-a-pult it?

Yard-a-pult can even help with those special problems.

But, Daddy, if Tippy is dead,

shouldn’t we bury him?

We’re just helping him get to heaven, honey.

Yard-a-pult...

Nighttime launching recommended

for septic tank refuse.

October 26, 1989.

From ABC News, this isPrimetime Live.

Hello, I’m Sam Donaldson.

And I’m Diane Sawyer.

And I’m Sam Donaldson.

And this is Primetime Live,

where we bring you live interviews

and live coverage of events as they happen.

Tonight, we’re going to be covering

the controversial issue of abortion.

But before that, we’ll be talking to Kirk Cameron,

the star of TV’s Growing Pains.

And it’ll all be coming to you live.

Diane, we’ve got quite an exciting show tonight.

Yes, we do, Sam, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to spend it

keeping an eye on you. ( laughs )

I just hope that I can keep up with you.

Well, I suppose that’s better than an I.O.U.

What?

Perhaps we’d better get started, Sam.

So, the part where we banter is over?

Yes, yes. All right.

Earlier today, on the steps

of the Florida State Supreme Court,

there was a violent confrontation

between anti-abortion activists

and Florida State Police.

Perhaps you’ve seen coverage of it

on other TV news shows.

But we’re bringing the scene to you right now...live!

There it is.

Apparently, things have calmed down.

That’s right, Sam. But just hours ago, it was a madhouse.

I saw it on the news.

And now you’re seeing it live!

Now let’s check in to the Missouri State Senate,

where tomorrow they’ll be voting on a bill

that would severely restrict abortion rights.

There it is...live!

That’s going to be a crowded room tomorrow, Sam.

That’s right, Diane.

It would certainly be exciting to be there, wouldn’t it?

Yes, it would. But it would be quite a commute

from here to Missouri.

Yes. Well, maybe we could carpool.

But you pay for the tolls.

I can think of a few senators who would pay for the gas.

What?

Oh, sorry. Nothing.

Well, it’s time to bring out our first guest.

One of the most popular shows of the past decade--

Excuse me, Diane. Yes, Sam?

You know, there may be some skeptics out there

who don’t believe that we’re actually live.

Well, take a look at this.

See? 10:07-- the correct time.

Now, some of you may say that I preset this watch

specially to appear correct.

But what would you say... about twowatches?

Back to you, Diane.

Thank you, Sam.

One of the most popular shows of the past decade

has been Growing Pains.

We’ve followed the trials and tribulations

of the Seaver family for five years now,

and there’s just no end in sight.

And joining us now--

Live!

Is Mike Seaver himself-- Kirk Cameron.

Kirk, welcome. Hi, everybody!

Kirk, how do you explain the show’s continuing success?

Well, I think it’s just the, um--the simplicity.

It’s just something that everybody can relate to.

Um, I just think everybody enjoys seeing us all grow up.

Oh, come on, Mr. Cameron!

You can’t be serious!

I’m sorry, Sam?

Well, isn’t it true that this year’s episodes of Growing Pains

aren’t up to snuff?

Jeez, I don’t think so.

Oh, now, really, Mr. Cameron!

Take last week’s episode,

when you and Boner snuck out of History class.

Wasn’t it essentially the same as the one last year

when you snuck out of the school assembly?

Is Diane there?

Don’t worry, Kirk. I’m keeping an eye on him for you.

Answer my question!

Hey, back off, okay?

Come on, we’re making changes!

Hey, I have a new adopted little sister on the show.

Come here, Jamie, come here.

Here she is. This is Jamie Charles,

and she plays Nikki, the newest Seaver.

And she’s just great. Will you say hello, Jamie?

Hi!

You see? You’re gonna love her!

Hello, Jamie. Sam?

Oh, come on, Jamie! Isn’t this just a cop-out?

Sam, please.

Oh, sure, let’s just wheel in another cute kid

every time we can’t think of a decent plot.

The American people aren’t buying it, Jamie.

And it’s time you and your network cronies faced the facts.

It’s okay, Jamie. It’s okay.

We have to go.

Yeah, well, you can run, but you can’t hide.

Sam, you made her cry.

I’m sorry. Mistakes happen.

But only when it’s live!

But still, Sam, it wasn’t exactly appropriate.

Well, I’ve never seen such a small human before.

I guess they’re the ones called "children".

Well, it’s time for our cover story.

But first, let’s take a live look

at the Everglades National Park.

There it is--live!

It’s a beautiful place.

Oh, it certainly is, Sam.

Before we continue, we’ve made a few format changes.

From now on, I’ll sit in Diane’s seat,

and Diane will sit in my seat.

Right now, we go back to our main story--

abortion.

Congressman James Ellis of Missouri

is running for reelection in that state,

and he joins us live from Ladue, Missouri.

Welcome, Congressman.

Hello, Diane.

Congressman, regarding your stance on abortion--

might we suppose that a fly on the wall of your campaign headquarters

would possibly be, hmm, intrigued

by certain decisions that--

let’s just say, might give one pause?

I’m sorry, Diane. What’s the question, please?

Well, doesn’t it seem as though the cow

has just jumped over the moon a few more times

than one might... be allotted?

Are you coming on to me, Miss Sawyer?

I mean, I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Excuse me, Congressman.

I’ve just thought of another way to prove that we’re live.

What do you mean, sir?

Now, if you’ll just bear with me...

Yes, Sam?

See? Knots Landing is on.

That’s up against us.

See? L.A. Law.

Everybody knows that L.A. Lawis on.

I wonder if we can find a live program.

Excuse me, Sam, I’d really like to go on.

This’ll just be a second, Congressman.

Flipping, looking.

Ah, there we go-- a live hockey game.

That should prove it, Congressman.

We’ll just keep it on till we get a score.

Sam, could I just state my position?

Well, Congressman, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for you.

Diane, you’re a stinky whore.

Sam! Well, it’s nothing personal.

I was just saying that to prove that the show was live!

Now, had it been taped,

they would’ve edited out that offensive comment.

But you got to hear at home on Primetime Live!

Good night. We’ll be right back.

And I’m gonna have to keep an eye on you.

And I’m going to have to-- keep on me--on you--

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

I don’t know. I just had to ask--

why do pumpkins never take care of their teeth?

Last Monday, President Bush signed legislation

that puts more of our national forests

off-limits to logging,

which will protect the habitat of endangered spotted owls.

After a year in office, it’s nice to see George

is really confronting the hard issues head-on, huh?

The Exxon Corporation announced Thursday

it would move its corporate headquarters and 300 employees

from the Exxon Building in Manhattan

to a 132-acre office park near Dallas, Texas.

Exxon Chairman Lawrence G. Rawl

said the company had concluded that, "the Dallas area

"offered the best combination of factors

from the standpoint of our employees,"

and also added, "Besides, it’s landlocked,

and we just don’t trust ourselves anymore."

One of the revelations in Nancy Reagan’s new book

is that daughter Patti was born seven months after she and Ronald Reagan were married.

Yes, indeed--Nancy Reagan was a pregnant bride.

When asked if this fact didn’t conflict with her views

in her 1981 autobiography Nancy,

where she disapproved of premarital sex,

she said, "No, I was abstaining. Ronnie wasn’t."

In Washington Thursday,

Senator John Glenn was suddenly punched

by a disturbed bystander while being interviewed on TV.

Weekend Update had a camera crew there.

We caught not only the punch, but his actual reaction.

Let’s watch.

President--

Thank you.

Thank you for applauding John Glenn being punched.

( laughs )

President Bush has spent the last two days

with western hemisphere leaders in San José, Costa Rica.

Victoria Jackson is down in San José with this report. Victoria?

Dennis, the big story here is the announcement...

( over-emphasizing) by Nicaragua President Daniel Ortega

that he will abandon his truce with the U.S.-backed Contras.

The Sandinista leader surprised the other presidents

meeting here in San José,

especially host Oscar Arias Sánchez.

Uh, Vicky, did you do any special preparation

for your report?

Well, I listened to the network correspondents Spanish pronunciation tape.

Can you tell?

Yeah, we can. Now, tell me, Vicky,

what was President Bush’s reaction

to the Ortega announcement?

Well, um...

I don’t think Bush likes Nicaragua.

I think that he likes the Contras

more than the Sandinistas.

But I’m not sure why.

Well, thank you, Vic. Hasta mañana.

What?

Never mind, never mind. Thank you.

Victoria Jackson from Costa Rica.

And it was an odd coupling on a Buena Vista, Florida, golf course last week,

where locals thought they saw the Vice President of the United States

and the host of NBC’s Today Showplaying golf,

although they weren’t quite sure.

But checking with the clubhouse sign-in sheet

proved that they were right.

There it is-- Bumble and Gumbel.

Treasury Secretary Nicholas Brady this week

telekinetically destroyed everyone at his senior prom

after some of his classmates mocked him

and threw cow’s blood on him.

The Supreme Court adjourned for Halloween yesterday.

Boy, Sandy O’Connor is a spooky-looking dame, isn’t she?

Fundamentalist preacher Jim Bakker was sentenced this week

to 45 years in prison and $500,000 in fines

for money-scamming off his ministry.

Yeah. Here we see Bakker leaving the courthouse in leg irons.

When local authorities were asked if they didn’t feel that was a bit much,

they said, "Oh, that was Jim’s request. He is a freak."

This week, the Vatican announced

it was in the red last year by $57 million.

It blamed the huge deficit on international Bingo skimming.

The Swiss conglomerate Nestle--

which already makes Raisinets, Bit-O-Honey and Chunky--

is now buying Baby Ruth and Butterfinger

for $370 million cash,

and today announced a hostile takeover

of the company that makes Clearasil.

With the able assistance

of Republican gubernatorial candidate Jim Courter on the left

and New Jersey Governor Thomas Kean, right,

Vice President Quayle this week, in a New Jersey ceremony,

finally learned how to walk upright.

A new 45-minute video entitled Corey Haim-- Me, Myself and I,

was released this week.

It shows the teen actor driving his new sports car

and revealing his thoughts on the perfect date.

"It’s basically a day in the life of Corey Haim," said a spokesman.

"He wants to give something back to his fans."

Aaaaaaaah!

And here--

Thank you, Corey.

And here, once again, is a man

who makes this whole rotten business worthwhile for me--

A. Whitney Brown with the Big Picture. Hello, Whitney.

Well, my friends, Ronald Reagan was in Japan this week,

kowtowing to our corporate competitors

and pimping his presidential prestige to the highest bidder.

You know, I don’t think any of us expected the Gipper

to emerge as an elder statesman.

I pictured him melting into a pool chair in Bel Air,

haranguing his Nicaraguan lawn boy

about the evils of bilingualism

and telling rambling war stories about Grenada.

But that was a little too dignified, apparently.

You know, it’s humiliating that an ex-President of the United States

has a part-time job with a country

whose main export was imitation Indian souvenirs not too long ago--

meaning Japan, of course.

It demeans the presidency, if that’s still possible--

especially when he goes on the Fujisaki Japanese Network

to say how glad he is that Sony gobbled up Columbia Pictures

because the Japanese can now bring some class back to Hollywood.

I guess he’s referring to the fact that they’re gonna release Mothraon Beta.

Well, you won’t hear me criticizing him for making too much money on this trip.

$2 million for two speeches? They’re getting him cheap.

That Star Wars speech alone must’ve cost us $200 billion, minimum.

Besides the $2 million speaking fee,

Fuji’s also donating a few million for the Reagan Library.

He’s actually gonna build one--

I guess to preserve all the important papers

he never got around to reading...

or that Ollie North didn’t shred.

I’m sure it’ll be a real magnet for scholars in the future.

The Reagan Library.

I see a split-level stucco warehouse

with rows of Reader’s Digest condensed books

and a magnifying glass beside very chair.

You know, when you put all this in the Big Picture,

I’m sorry to say the Japanese are getting their money’s worth.

On the other hand, they didn’t elect him...

which is the reason they can afford to hire him.

And that, my friends, is the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney. Thank you, Dennis.

Whitney Brown.

Thank you, sir.

I’m sorry, but I just saw The Bearyesterday,

and it stunk!

It was a nightmare!

Two hours of pure hell.

I was completely revulsed.

God, no stars. No stars. Forget it.

It just stunk. The bear stunk.

( spits )

Just kidding. I didn’t even see it.

Little tech problem, kids. Bear with me.

( laughs ) All that for the bear joke. Okay.

The bear’s karma nailed me.

A new condom product-- the Mentor Magnum condom--

was on the market this week.

It’s larger than standard latex condoms

for men who might find regular condoms tight and uncomfortable.

You know, uh...

I’m wearing one right now.

Yeah.

And, you know, they really are bigger.

I’m also wearing a regular condom right now,

but I’m not gonna show it to you...

’cause I’m just an impish little centaur.

( laughs )

All right.

This being the beginning of my fifth season,

I felt it was time to reaffirm my Weekend Update oath.

Assisting me in that oath is none other than me.

Hello, Dennis.

Okay. Hello, baby. How are you?

All right.

Repeat after me. I, Dennis Miller...

I, Captain Hairdo...

do solemnly swear... do solemnly swear...

to keep a vigilant eye on the social

and political leaders of our time

in the event that they disappoint us...

Yeah, to keep an eye on pinheads

like Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker.

What’s with these cretins?

Let me tell you something, folks--

I would sleep with Jim Bakker

before I’d sleep with Tammy Bakker.

What’s that all about, huh?

It’s gotta be like doing it with the Joker from Batman.

( laughs )

( laughs )

You know, I’m just narcissistic enough to love that.

Keep it rollin’.

To never put myself or my career before the news.

To milk the mock humility thing

if I see any career advancement in it.

And to keep an eye on the figures in the world of entertainment,

in the event that they start to take themselves too seriously.

Like when Zsa Zsa the Goulash Bitch

whacks Officer Poncherello from CHiPs.

Yeah, how old is this dame, huh?

She’s had more tucks than a bed at a Ramada.

And guess what, folks?

BOTH: That’s the news, and we are outta here.

( spooky sound effects )

Honestly...why can’t someone build a spook house

that doesn’t insult my intelligence?

Someone has.

Hello. I’m Leona Helmsley,

welcoming you to the Helmsley Spook House,

located atop the Helmsley Palace Hotel

in Midtown Manhattan.

From the moment you arrive, you’ll be pampered

like no other spook house has ever pampered you.

Right away, you’ll notice the little things--

things like...real skeletons.

Never plastic.

Live rats.

Real cow eyes.

We could’ve skimped and used peeled grapes,

but our customers would’ve known the difference.

I know I would.

And walls that drip real human blood.

I wouldn’t be frightened by animal blood.

Why should you be?

( maniacal laughter )

( laughter stops )

And then there’s our staff--

courteous, efficient,

and fluent in several languages--

unlike the lazy clock-watchers

you find at cut-rate spook houses.

Now, granted--an evening at the Helmsley Spook House

is not inexpensive,

but, then, the best seldom is.

( woman shrieks )

Children under 18 not permitted.

I’ll be seeing you...

in your nightmares.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

*

So, can we do it all over again, please?

I want to thank Don Henley! Don Henley!

And the great cast of Saturday Night Live!

You’re the greatest!

You guys are the greatest. Thank you so much!