Original subtitles

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ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown...

Al Franken...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Billy Joel.

And starring Kathleen Turner.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kathleen Turner!

( Victoria Jackson’s voice ) Thank--Thank--

Thank you!

Ha ha ha!

Shh!

Thank you! Thank you!

It’s great to be hosting Saturday Night Live.

I love doing live television,

and I’m really glad they’re letting me use my normal speaking voice.

In films, they always make me that husky, sexy voice.

Remember Body Heat?

( clears throat )

( normal voice ) You’re not too smart, are you?

I like that in a man.

( Victoria Jackson’s voice ) Thank you.

Here’s one you might recognize,

but I’ll be you didn’t know it was me.

Heh heh! Okay.

( laughs )

Here it goes.

( normal voice ) I’m not bad.

I’m just drawn that way.

( Victoria Jackson’s voice ) That’s right!

Jessica Rabbit!

( normal voice ) You know, the voice that I’m doing right now

is not easy.

( Victoria Jackson’s voice ) Ouch!

( normal voice ) It’s taken a lot of training,

and, brother, do I go through a lot of throat lozenges.

I should buy stock.

( Victoria Jackson’s voice ) But it’s worth it.

I’ve gotten some great roles with that voice.

( clears throat )

( normal voice ) We have got--

( clears throat )

We’ve got a great show-- ( clears throat )

( Victoria Jackson’s voice ) Boy, that’s really tough on the pipes.

I’d better save it. So, stick around!

( normal voice ) We got Billy Joel, and we’re coming right back.

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ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening. And what can I tell you?

I guess we’ve all heard this week

that San Francisco Mayor Art Agnos

was upset at Vice President Dan Quayle,

saying that when Quayle was in town to view the earthquake damage,

he did not pay him a personal visit.

Well, Mayor Agnos apologized today

and said that his staff had reminded him

that he indeed did meet with the Vice President

and talked with him for a good 2 1/2 hours,

but the encounter just slipped his mind.

Nancy Reagan’s new book, My Turn,is out this week,

and it was announced today that former President Reagan’s autobiography

will be out next spring.

It’s entitled Her Turn.

The recent confusing events in Panama

will be made clearer next Wednesday

when an off-Broadway production of the coup attempt

will open at the Westside Arts Theatre in Manhattan.

The play is to be called Panamania

and will star Tommy Tune as General Manuel Noriega.

You’ll laugh... and you’ll cry.

That’s Panamania--

not the actual coup, but an incredible simulation.

Another coup attempt against General Manuel Noriega

was led this week by one of his junior female officers,

named Lieutenant Deborah-issimo Norville-iega.

Noriega said he knew something was up

when she always sat right next to him

at the head table at official state functions.

The Senate has passed a House-approved compromise

preventing Federal funding of obscene art.

The Senate sent a message to the National Endowment for the Arts

that future funding of controversial or obscene art

would be dealt with more harshly.

When asked to define "obscene art", a Senate spokesman said,

"This is art that you want to look at every few minutes."

Last week, the leaders of the nations of Colombia, Bolivia and Peru

met at a summit in South America

to discuss plans on how to fight drugs.

Unfortunately, the three leaders got really ripped

and never got it together.

In September, President Bush declared war against drugs.

Weekend Update has sent Al Franken out into the drug battlefield

to report back in the tradition of the great correspondents. Al?

Dennis, I’m here outside a crackhouse

on 145th and Lexington,

shooting with my Sony KV-2000,

which is mounted on my Steadicam harness.

And I’m bouncing the signal

with my 1.3-meter parabolic antenna

up to a satellite and back down to you at NBC,

95 blocks south of here.

Now, I know the equipment has been causing you pain.

Yeah, Dennis, as a matter of fact,

I did become addicted to pain pills,

which is why you haven’t seen me in a while.

I got help, however, and I’m happy to say

that taking a pain pill is now the furthest thing from my mind,

even though I am, in fact,

now in tremendous pain.

But it’s worth it. Absolutely, Dennis.

Being a self-contained mobile uplink unit

allows me to be on the front lines of the drug war,

as I am now, here at a crackhouse

at 145th and Lexington.

No cameraman, no soundman.

Just me, alone, with $700,000 worth of video equipment.

Now, do the people mind you being there?

I have not actually had a chance to talk to them yet, Dennis.

Um...in fact, here they are right now.

Hello. My first question would be--

Al? Al?

Well, we seem to have lost Al’s feed,

but I hope we’ll be hearing more from him

as war against drugs continues.

It was reported this week that the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

has adopted a new name--Osho--

not to be confused with country-western singer George Jones,

whose new name is No-show.

And seven states will be asked to store radioactive waste

from the Rocky Flats Nuclear Plant near Denver, Colorado,

because a permanent repository in New Mexico

won’t be ready until at least next July.

You know, I heard the weirdest plan yet today for nuclear waste disposal.

They now want to break it up into little chunks

about the size of a set of car keys,

give one piece to each American citizen,

and just let us misplace it.

And now, as a continuing service to the New York Yankee fans,

it’s time for our weekly feature--

the George Steinbrenner Health Watch.

We go now to correspondent Phil Hartman

in Cleveland, Ohio. Phil, how’s he doing?

I’m afraid he’s doing just fine, Dennis.

He’s staying here at the Hyatt Regency,

tending to his shipping business,

and there’s been precious little good news.

Earlier in the week, Steinbrenner reportedly cut himself shaving,

but he was able to apply tissue paper to the cut,

and sadly the blood did clot.

Then today, there was some excitement

when he spent 45 minutes in the lobby bathroom,

but he did emerge smiling and seemingly in perfect shape.

Well, Phil, was he at least constipated

or having some digestive tract problem?

No, Dennis, apparently he was just enjoying a good book.

Boy, that stings. That is tough.

Yeah, it is tough.

It almost seems as if Steinbrenner

is defiantly flaunting his good health,

toying with the emotions of Yankee fans everywhere.

Well, don’t get discouraged, Phil.

I’ll try not to, Dennis.

Maybe next week.

Spain’s military pilots last week came out on strike

in a show of solidarity,

thereby grounding the entire Spanish Air Force.

All three of their planes-- the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa María--

will be in hangars until further notice.

And here’s a note for all these Beauty and the Beast fans

who seem to be taking this show just a little too seriously--

take it easy, kids.

The Beast is actually actor Ron Perlman.

Beast--Ron Perlman.

Catherine is played by an actress--Linda Hamilton.

It’s an actor, an actress.

Beauty and the Beast don’t really exist.

I know life is tough,

and we all want to go away to a big sewer pipe somewhere

and have a stranger protect us,

but this isn’t real, okay?

Come on. Come back to the pack.

Come back with us now.

We’ll take care of you.

( laughs )

And Zsa Zsa Gabor’s new lawyer Harrison Bull

said Tuesday he hopes to get a mistrial declared,

and he has ordered Zsa Zsa to stop yakking.

Why are we so interested in this--

this Rose Bowl float with a SAG card?

You know, I was--

I was researching the Gabor trial this week,

and I looked into the derivation of Zsa Zsa’s name,

and "Zsa" is the Hungarian word for "Sirhan".

You know, this photograph reportedly proves the existence

of a very hip Scottish monster

called the Tone Loc Ness Monster.

And now, here’s A. Whitney Brown

with a special report on the San Francisco Earthquake. Hello, Whitney.

Hello, Dennis. Nice to be here.

Thank you.

I’d just like to express my absolute admiration

for the people of San Francisco

for pulling together with such civility

in their moment of disaster.

I lived in San Francisco for ten years.

In fact, my daughter was born there.

But people all over the world love that city by the bay.

It was really touching to hear that thousands of Soviet Armenians

donated money to help.

Even more touching was the fact that every one of them

applied to deliver it in person.

Incidentally, seismologists think that this quake was caused

by 10,000 people simultaneously jumping over the Berlin Wall.

Vice President Quayle, of course,

was on the spot the very next day to inspect the damage,

smiling, shaking hands and reassuring people

that it wasn’t his fault.

There have been an incredible number of natural disasters this year,

but when you put it into the Big Picture,

I don’t think it’s the end of the world...

because the Cubs didn’t win the pennant.

It’s in the Bible. "When the small bears from the windy place take the flag,

then ye shall know the end is nigh."

Until then, San Francisco will remain my favorite city--

a little shaky, a little flaky,

but it brings out the best in the people who live there.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Whitney.

And the World Psychiatric Association

voted this week to readmit the Soviet Union

after a six-year absence--

subject to suspension of the Soviets have not ended

the misuse of psychiatry against dissidents.

Evidently, the Soviet scam was,

if a dissident didn’t cancel his appointment

at least 24 hours ahead of time,

they would still charge him for the session.

You know...

there are many mysteries in life,

many things I don’t understand,

and I attribute most of them to...

Claymation.

( laughs )

Hungarian partners plan an announcement soon

that they are bringing PenthouseMagazine to Hungary

as the first Western men’s magazine in Eastern Europe.

The magazine will have to be renamed, though,

as there is no Hungarian word for "penthouse".

The magazine is expected to be called

The Equally Bad-looking Apartment on the Top Floor.

And a group of ducks this week in Lenox, Massachusetts,

came upon an American buffalo,

and, as you can see, the ducks all looked directly straight ahead,

as they were embarrassed by the buffalo’s huge exposed genitalia.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

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Thanks a lot, everybody. I had a great time.

Thanks.

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