All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E03.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

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ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown...

Al Franken...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Billy Joel.

And starring
Kathleen Turner.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kathleen Turner!

( Victoria Jackson’s voice )
Thank--Thank--

Thank you!

Ha ha ha!

Shh!

Thank you! Thank you!

It’s great to be hosting
Saturday Night Live.

I love doing live television,

and I’m really glad they’re
letting me use my normal
speaking voice.

In films, they always make me
that husky, sexy voice.

Remember Body Heat?

( clears throat )

( normal voice )
You’re not too smart, are you?

I like that in a man.

( Victoria Jackson’s voice )
Thank you.

Here’s one
you might recognize,

but I’ll be you didn’t
know it was me.

Heh heh! Okay.

( laughs )

Here it goes.

( normal voice )
I’m not bad.

I’m just drawn that way.

( Victoria Jackson’s voice )
That’s right!

Jessica Rabbit!

( normal voice )
You know, the voice
that I’m doing right now

is not easy.

( Victoria Jackson’s voice )
Ouch!

( normal voice )
It’s taken a lot of training,

and, brother, do I go through
a lot of throat lozenges.

I should buy stock.

( Victoria Jackson’s voice )
But it’s worth it.

I’ve gotten some great roles
with that voice.

( clears throat )

( normal voice )
We have got--

( clears throat )

We’ve got a great show--
( clears throat )

( Victoria Jackson’s voice )
Boy, that’s really tough
on the pipes.

I’d better save it.
So, stick around!

( normal voice )
We got Billy Joel,
and we’re coming right back.

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ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening.
And what can I tell you?

I guess we’ve
all heard this week

that San Francisco Mayor
Art Agnos

was upset at
Vice President Dan Quayle,

saying that when Quayle
was in town to view
the earthquake damage,

he did not pay him
a personal visit.

Well, Mayor Agnos
apologized today

and said that his staff
had reminded him

that he indeed did meet
with the Vice President

and talked with him
for a good 2 1/2 hours,

but the encounter
just slipped his mind.

Nancy Reagan’s new book,
My Turn,is out this week,

and it was announced today
that former President Reagan’s
autobiography

will be out next spring.

It’s entitled Her Turn.

The recent confusing
events in Panama

will be made clearer
next Wednesday

when an off-Broadway production
of the coup attempt

will open at the Westside
Arts Theatre in Manhattan.

The play is to be
called Panamania

and will star Tommy Tune
as General Manuel Noriega.

You’ll laugh...
and you’ll cry.

That’s Panamania--

not the actual coup,
but an incredible simulation.

Another coup attempt
against General Manuel Noriega

was led this week by one of
his junior female officers,

named Lieutenant
Deborah-issimo Norville-iega.

Noriega said he knew
something was up

when she always sat
right next to him

at the head table
at official state functions.

The Senate has passed
a House-approved compromise

preventing Federal funding
of obscene art.

The Senate sent a message
to the National Endowment
for the Arts

that future funding of
controversial or obscene art

would be dealt with
more harshly.

When asked
to define "obscene art",
a Senate spokesman said,

"This is art that you want
to look at every few minutes."

Last week, the leaders
of the nations of Colombia,
Bolivia and Peru

met at a summit
in South America

to discuss plans
on how to fight drugs.

Unfortunately,
the three leaders
got really ripped

and never
got it together.

In September, President Bush
declared war against drugs.

Weekend Update has sent
Al Franken out into
the drug battlefield

to report back
in the tradition of
the great correspondents. Al?

Dennis, I’m here
outside a crackhouse

on 145th and Lexington,

shooting with
my Sony KV-2000,

which is mounted on
my Steadicam harness.

And I’m bouncing
the signal

with my 1.3-meter
parabolic antenna

up to a satellite
and back down to you
at NBC,

95 blocks south of here.

Now, I know the
equipment has been
causing you pain.

Yeah, Dennis,
as a matter of fact,

I did become addicted
to pain pills,

which is why you haven’t
seen me in a while.

I got help, however,
and I’m happy to say

that taking a pain pill
is now the furthest thing
from my mind,

even though I am,
in fact,

now in tremendous pain.

But it’s worth it.
Absolutely, Dennis.

Being a self-contained
mobile uplink unit

allows me to be
on the front lines
of the drug war,

as I am now,
here at a crackhouse

at 145th and Lexington.

No cameraman,
no soundman.

Just me, alone,
with $700,000 worth
of video equipment.

Now, do the people
mind you being there?

I have not actually
had a chance to talk
to them yet, Dennis.

Um...in fact,
here they are right now.

Hello. My first
question would be--

Al? Al?

Well, we seem
to have lost Al’s feed,

but I hope we’ll be
hearing more from him

as war against drugs
continues.

It was reported this week
that the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

has adopted
a new name--Osho--

not to be confused with
country-western singer
George Jones,

whose new name is No-show.

And seven states will be asked
to store radioactive waste

from the Rocky Flats
Nuclear Plant near
Denver, Colorado,

because a permanent
repository in New Mexico

won’t be ready until
at least next July.

You know, I heard
the weirdest plan yet today
for nuclear waste disposal.

They now want to break it up
into little chunks

about the size of
a set of car keys,

give one piece
to each American citizen,

and just let us misplace it.

And now,
as a continuing service to
the New York Yankee fans,

it’s time for
our weekly feature--

the George Steinbrenner
Health Watch.

We go now to correspondent
Phil Hartman

in Cleveland, Ohio.
Phil, how’s he doing?

I’m afraid he’s doing
just fine, Dennis.

He’s staying here
at the Hyatt Regency,

tending to his
shipping business,

and there’s been
precious little good news.

Earlier in the week,
Steinbrenner reportedly
cut himself shaving,

but he was able to apply
tissue paper to the cut,

and sadly
the blood did clot.

Then today, there was
some excitement

when he spent 45 minutes
in the lobby bathroom,

but he did emerge
smiling and seemingly
in perfect shape.

Well, Phil, was he
at least constipated

or having some
digestive tract problem?

No, Dennis,
apparently he was just
enjoying a good book.

Boy, that stings.
That is tough.

Yeah, it is tough.

It almost seems
as if Steinbrenner

is defiantly flaunting
his good health,

toying with the emotions
of Yankee fans everywhere.

Well, don’t get
discouraged, Phil.

I’ll try not to,
Dennis.

Maybe next week.

Spain’s military pilots
last week came out on strike

in a show of solidarity,

thereby grounding
the entire Spanish Air Force.

All three of their planes--
the Niña, the Pinta,
and the Santa María--

will be in hangars
until further notice.

And here’s a note for all these
Beauty and the Beast fans

who seem to be taking
this show just a little
too seriously--

take it easy, kids.

The Beast is actually
actor Ron Perlman.

Beast--Ron Perlman.

Catherine is played
by an actress--Linda Hamilton.

It’s an actor, an actress.

Beauty and the Beast
don’t really exist.

I know life is tough,

and we all want to go away
to a big sewer pipe somewhere

and have a stranger
protect us,

but this isn’t real, okay?

Come on.
Come back to the pack.

Come back with us now.

We’ll take care of you.

( laughs )

And Zsa Zsa Gabor’s
new lawyer Harrison Bull

said Tuesday he hopes
to get a mistrial declared,

and he has ordered Zsa Zsa
to stop yakking.

Why are we so interested
in this--

this Rose Bowl float
with a SAG card?

You know, I was--

I was researching
the Gabor trial this week,

and I looked
into the derivation
of Zsa Zsa’s name,

and "Zsa" is the Hungarian word
for "Sirhan".

You know, this photograph
reportedly proves the existence

of a very hip
Scottish monster

called the Tone Loc Ness
Monster.

And now,
here’s A. Whitney Brown

with a special report on
the San Francisco Earthquake.
Hello, Whitney.

Hello, Dennis.
Nice to be here.

Thank you.

I’d just like to express
my absolute admiration

for the people
of San Francisco

for pulling together
with such civility

in their moment of disaster.

I lived in San Francisco
for ten years.

In fact, my daughter
was born there.

But people all over the world
love that city by the bay.

It was really touching
to hear that thousands
of Soviet Armenians

donated money to help.

Even more touching was the fact
that every one of them

applied to deliver it
in person.

Incidentally,
seismologists think that
this quake was caused

by 10,000 people simultaneously
jumping over the Berlin Wall.

Vice President Quayle,
of course,

was on the spot
the very next day
to inspect the damage,

smiling, shaking hands
and reassuring people

that it wasn’t his fault.

There have been an incredible
number of natural disasters
this year,

but when you put it
into the Big Picture,

I don’t think
it’s the end of the world...

because the Cubs
didn’t win the pennant.

It’s in the Bible.
"When the small bears from
the windy place take the flag,

then ye shall know
the end is nigh."

Until then, San Francisco
will remain my favorite city--

a little shaky,
a little flaky,

but it brings out the best
in the people who live there.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Whitney.

And the World
Psychiatric Association

voted this week
to readmit the Soviet Union

after a six-year absence--

subject to suspension
of the Soviets have not ended

the misuse of psychiatry
against dissidents.

Evidently,
the Soviet scam was,

if a dissident didn’t
cancel his appointment

at least 24 hours
ahead of time,

they would still charge him
for the session.

You know...

there are many
mysteries in life,

many things
I don’t understand,

and I attribute
most of them to...

Claymation.

( laughs )

Hungarian partners
plan an announcement soon

that they are bringing
PenthouseMagazine
to Hungary

as the first
Western men’s magazine
in Eastern Europe.

The magazine will have
to be renamed, though,

as there is no Hungarian word
for "penthouse".

The magazine is expected
to be called

The Equally Bad-looking
Apartment on the Top Floor.

And a group of ducks this week
in Lenox, Massachusetts,

came upon
an American buffalo,

and, as you can see,
the ducks all looked
directly straight ahead,

as they were embarrassed
by the buffalo’s huge
exposed genitalia.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

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Thanks a lot, everybody.
I had a great time.

Thanks.

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