All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E02.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jackie Mason.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.

( chuckles )

I would like to apologize
for all the nasty things I said

about this verkakte schvartze
with a mustache Dinkins.

But I also said a lot of
nasty things about Koch,

and I’m gonna say
a lot of nasty things

about this J. Edgar Hoover
Italian Giuliani,

who looks like
he combs his hair from
somewhere down on his neck

across the top of his head
to cover up I-don’t-know-what.

Maybe it’s a tattoo.

I would also like to apologize
for Caddyshack II,

which was a disaster,
but nonetheless a great
opportunity for me,

for which I am grateful
to be a Jew.

Also, I would like to apologize
to Ed Sullivan

for a gesture I made to him
25 years ago

which caused me
to be blacklisted,

and I had to make
a comeback,

and I want to apologize
for making a comeback.

I’m not a politician.
I’m a comedian.

But if you’ve seen
this Chicken Soup--
pffft!

This Chicken Soup tastes
more like a Campbell’s cream
soup that comes out of a can

than a chicken soup
that comes from a deli in
a take-out container or a bowl.

Why they got this
gentile lady Lynn Redgrave
together with me, I don’t know.

I should have a parsley
and a turnip and an onion
and a soup

to make a chicken soup
that’s good.

Instead, they got
three Catholic kids.

I don’t know what I got.
I need a matzo ball.

I also want to apologize
for the way I talk,

’cause half the time,
I don’t understand
what I’m saying.

Now, if anybody wants
to know who to vote for
for the Mayor,

Ronald Lauder is the guy.

This man is so rich,

his mother gives him
so much money,

he spent $10 million
on posters and buttons and pins

and this and that
and who-knows-what.

So, if you got a steam pipe
that’s broken

and you got asbestos
all over the place--

inside, in the cat bowl,
in the fish tank,

and here and there
and everywhere--

he goes to his mother,
and he says, "Ma...

"I got an asbestos problem.
Give me $150 million.

I’ll buy the building."

And she says,
"Ronald, you’re the mayor.

Take the money.
I’m so proud of you."

And if you gotta fix
the Williamsburg Bridge
for $395 billion,

he goes to her and she says,
"Ronald, you’re the mayor.
Here, take the money."

And in the summertime,
when it stinks,

with the horses
and the diapers on the street,

with the homeless
and the souvlaki
and this and that,

and the whole city stinks,

you put a good Estée Lauder
Number 9 coating over
the whole city,

drop it from an airplane.

Nobody will go
to the Hamptons again.

This man should be
the mayor--Ronald Lauder.

He’s a fancy Jew
without a mustache.

Mister, what do you
want me to do?

You’re looking at me
like I’m some--

What? What’s this?

You want me to do
this verkaktething
they do all the time?

This "Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night"?

There, I did it for you.

What? You want it louder?
This is what I’m saying.

Louder! Lauder! Louder!

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
Rickie Lee Jones.

And starring Rick Moranis.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Rick Moranis!

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

And, really,
thank you for indulging me.

I’ve been watching
this show for years,

and I’ve always wanted
to play with this fabulous band

and run the camera
and direct the show

and deliver a baby right here
on Saturday Night Live.

We got a great show!
Rickie Lee Jones is here!

We’ll be right back!

Ja,welcome.
We’re back.

Ja,only now we are
very, very tiny.

*

All right, once again,
I am Hans.

And I am Franz.

And even though
we are petite,
we are still here to...

pump you up!
Pump you up!

All right. You know,
as you can tell,

we have been
accidentally shrunken

by the ultimate girlie man
Rick Moranis.

I’m really,
really sorry, guys.

Get out of here!

Ja.Don’t be going
eating Cheerios
around here, either.

Even though we are
eensy-weensy,

you are still looking
at the two most pumped-up
shrunken men in the universe.

Ja.And we are
still larger than
many things.

For instance,
I am twice the size of
a Flintstones vitamin.

And not a Barney!
A Fred.

Ja.Hear me now
and believe me later--

I would rather be
a tiny muscleman

than a full-grown
girlie man.

Ja,that’s right,
Hans, that’s right.

No shrunken girlie man
could ever do this.

Ja,that’s right.
It’s a whole lemon.

Good one, Franzie.

And could
a scaled-down loser

ever be able to lift
two pistachio nuts

like Hans is doing
so easily?

No.

Ja,I can also
bench-press a cashew.

All right, all right,
enough talk.

Now it’s time to
welcome our guest--

a mouse.

Look how flabby
his belly is.

That’s right.
And did you--

did you see his skinny
little mousey arms?

He should be ashamed.

Ja,where you going
little mousey man?

You can run,
but you cannot hide.

Ja,you stay
away from our
pistachio nuts.

We need them
to train.

That’s right. This is not
the Mouseketeer Club here.

I’m not
Annette Funicello.

No, and I’m not Cubby.

That’s right.
Look at us when
we’re talking to you.

Ja.Look at this
and think about this.

He left, Franz.

He was frightened
by our pump-itude.

Ja.Well,
that’s all right.

He will soon.
Ja,that’s right.

Guys, I want
you to know

that, even though
you’re small,

I think that,
in relative terms,

you actually appear
more pumped up.

Get out of here.

Ja,don’t be kissing
our tiny buttocks now.

Ja,listen to me,
Mr. Giant Baby Man,

you know,
we can very easily
climb up your nostril

and pull out
a little nose hair

and wrap it around
your head like
a baby bonnet.

That’s right.
We could very easily

climb into
your underpants

and pummel your
private parts

until you sound
like a girlie man.

Good one, Hans.

Ja,thank you,
Franzie.

All right, that’s all
the time we have
for tonight.

Join us next week
when our guest
will be a flea--

if we can get him
to sit still, huh?

Ja,that’s right.
Good one.

So, until next week,
I am tiny, little Hans.

And I am teeny,
little Franz.
And we are here to...

pump you up!
Pump you up!

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson,
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening.

And what can I tell you?

Oh, yeah?

Well, you, too, buddy!

( laughs )

In an attempt to help
quell growing social unrest
in East Germany,

Soviet President
Mikhail Gorbachev

traveled to East Berlin
this week.

As the record crowd chanted,
"Gorby, Gorby, Gorby,"

Mr. Gorbachev
and East German leader
Erich Honecker

embraced in a show
of party unity.

Tongues! I saw tongues!

You know, that’s funny--

Gorby doesn’t usually
give it up on a first summit.

Well, it was a pretty
calm week in East Germany.

And here we see
a Czech police officer

trying to stop an East German
from scaling a fence
into West Germany.

Many of
the East German refugees

are expected to be
employed in the free world
as soccer fans.

Events in Panama this week
were muddied

when, on Tuesday,
Panamanian defense forces

tried to take over
the government run by
General Manuel Noriega.

After what was assumed
to be a struggle,

Noriega supposedly re-seized
power later that day.

Reports were confusing,
and Panamanian spokesmen agreed

that it would be
fair to say that there is
no clear complexion

of the events in Panama
this week.

Manny, get some Retin-A,
babe, okay?

Here with us now
with his views

on the Panamanian situation--
and Noriega’s--

advertising executive
Mr. Subliminal.

Hello, Mr. Subliminal.

How are you?

First of all, I think
the United States government

should abandon their policy
of covert activities

against the Norwegian--

Um, what is it?
The Noriega regime?

Second of all,
if you’re listening, Manuel--
quit job--

you’ve been through
quite a bit lately--quit job.

In fact, you should give
yourself a pat on the back--
sledgehammer.

I don’t know,
maybe treat yourself

to a relaxing vacation--
Siberia.

You know,
kick back a little.

Maybe take along
a nice little lady,

someone that would
appreciate you--
Imelda Marcos.

And maybe settle down.
Settle down with her someday--
suicide pact.

Let’s face it.
You’re a good-looking guy--
Clearasil.

Not only that--

I think you’re a very
intelligent man--lobotomy.

I mean, that’s
a pretty clear thing.

Most important--
you know how to run a country--

give someone else a chance,
for crying out loud.

So, my advice to you, Manuel--
scumball--

is get out and enjoy
the good things in life--
root canal.

You deserve it--
slime bucket.

And, uh, I really
think you do.

Oh, can I just
add one thing?

Sure, go ahead,
Mr. Subliminal.

I just wanted to wish
the San Francisco Giants

good luck in the Series--
throw a game.

They’re quite a team--
losers--quite a team.
They really are.

Mr. Subliminal,
thank you.

Mr. Subliminal.

Unsettling news for American
taxpayers this week,

when it was revealed
that the B-2 Stealth Bomber

has a very short
cruising range--

roughly the equivalent
of a Domino’s Pizza
delivery area.

But Pentagon officials
said not to worry.

If the B-2 doesn’t
deliver a nuclear payload
within 30 minutes,

we get our
$530 million back.

Racing fans this week
mourned the death
of Secretariat--

widely acknowledged
as the greatest racehorse
of the last 40 years.

Since being put to stud,
Secretariat sired
many great runners,

including Preakness
and Belmont winner Risen Star,

1986 Horse of the Year
Lady’s Secret,

and Canada’s Ben Johnson.

And a--

A pensive George Bush
is shown here

waiting backstage at
the White House Press Center,

as his pet dog Millie
peers through the curtains

and determines
which reporter’s leg

she will hump during
the upcoming press conference.

And here we see the Pope
losing on Final Jeopardy
this week.

The Final Jeopardy
category was Religion.

American tennis stars
Chris Evert and
Martina Navratilova

arrived in Tokyo
for the Federation Cup

women’s tennis tournament
this week.

Martina will participate
in the event

under the name "Tom Petty".

Well, the New York Yankees

have just concluded
another turbulent season,

finishing with their
worst record in 22 years.

Despite widespread criticism,
team owner George Steinbrenner

has vowed he will
never sell the team
as long as he lived.

So, tonight, as a service
to New York Yankee fans,

we begin a new feature
on Weekend Update--

the George Steinbrenner
Health Watch.

We go now to Health Watch
correspondent Phil Hartman
in Tampa, Florida.

Phil, what’s
the word, buddy?

Dennis, I’m standing
in front of the Tampa Bay
Yacht Club,

where Steinbrenner is
weekending with his family.

Steinbrenner apparently
had a fairly bad night
last night.

He slept with
some discomfort,
tossed and turned,

but at 7:15 this morning,
he did wake up.

Back to you, Dennis.

Thanks, Phil.
Were there any
hopeful signs?

I understand his
eyelids fluttered
a few times.

Is that correct?

That’s true, Dennis.
But, in my opinion,

he was just having
a bad dream.

No cause for optimism.

Okay, keep us
up to date if
anything happens--

headaches,
fatigue, cuts
that won’t heal--

let us know
right away.

Will do, Dennis.
Thank you.
Phil Hartman.

Maybe next week, Yankee fans.
We’ll keep you posted.

Scientists examining samples
from the Canadian Arctic

say they have discovered
the oldest stones in the world,

formed some
4.9 billion years ago--

about a billion years older
than the stones previously
thought to be the oldest--

which were found
in Dick Clark’s kidneys.

And here’s
this week’s excerpt from
The Andy Griffith Diaries.

"Saw Goober at Studio 54.
He doesn’t look well."

And now, with a commentary
on some contemporary social
issues of importance,

here’s Frenchy--
the man you love to hate.

Hello, Frenchy!
Hello, Dennis!
How are you?

Hello, everybody.
I’m Frenchy! How are you?

Isn’t it a beautiful day?
Everything good? Good.

I’m Frenchy.
I’m from France.

My real name is Pierre,
but I live in your country
for over 20 years,

so everyone
calls me Frenchy!

Everything good? Good!

Now, I would like to talk
to you for just a moment

about what you Americans
call "women’s liberation".

What a bunch of crap.

Everyone knows
women are inferior.

Well, if they weren’t,
why are they ones fighting
for their rights?

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean
to offend anybody.

It’s just that
when I was six years old,

my mother abandoned me,
and I was raised by
my grandmother and aunt,

who constantly beat me up
and abused me.

So, if I have a little
anger toward women,

surely you can forgive me.

I love women! Really, I do.

I love my wife,
and I love all my girlfriends.

I’m Frenchy!
Everything good? Good.

What a beautiful day
it was today.

It reminded me
when I was ten years old--

I’d be outside, playing with
my French poodle Fifi.

Oh, I used to stick him
in the freezer at night,

watch him thaw out
in the morning.

Sometimes I’d operate on him,
trying to take away his bark,

and try to put it back.

Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean
to offend anybody.

It’s just that...
when my sister was
two years old,

she was eaten
by a German Shepherd.

So, surely
you can understand

if I have a little anger
toward dogs.

I love animals.
Really, I do.

I’m Frenchy!
Everything good? Oh, good.

You know,
speaking of animals,

I was in Alaska last month.
What beautiful country!

Oh, I wish you all could’ve
been there with me.

I had a wonderful
lunch by a lake,

then I went for a walk,

and I clubbed
a baby seal to death.

And--Oh, I’m sorry!
I didn’t mean to
offend anybody.

It’s just then--
well, I was minding
my own business,

when the seal came up to me
and nuzzled his little nose
on my shoe--

for no reason at all.

But, really, you shouldn’t
feel too sorry for him.

He put up quite the fight.

I’m Frenchy!

Well, I have to go now.
I hope you all have
a wonderful life.

I hope to see you all again.
I love all the people--
really, I do.

Well, except for Jews.

Did I mention I was French?
I’m Frenchy!

( indistinct )

Yeah.

Frenchy, everybody.

Yeah.

God, I hate him.

But you gotta love him!

According to Variety
this week,

there are
more sequels coming

in the form of Rocky V,
Halloween 5,

Texas Chainsaw
Massacre III,

and Star Trek VI:
The Apology.

And the cocaine possession
jury trial of Grace Jones

was postponed this week
for the fifth time

since her arrest in April.

A court spokesman said,
"Hey, you find 12 peers
for this chick."

Here we see
President Bush stretching

before one of his daily jogs
in Kennebunkport.

Boy, I wish he was
that flexible on abortion.

And archeologists this week
unearthed evidence

of a heretofore unknown tribe
in the Yucatan Peninsula.

The tribe--
a highly mobile group
known as the Slincas.

Here we see a Slinca
high priest

descending from the top
of a sacrificial Slinca altar.

( laughs )

And Jim Bakker
was found guilty this week

of bilking his ministry
of over $158 million.

What a--
No, that’s okay.

What a--

( applause )

* One tin soldier
rides away *

What a weasel
this Bakker guy is.

He reminds of
the type of guy who would’ve
dressed up like a woman

to get in one of
the Titanic’slifeboats.

Bakker faces a possible
120 years in prison.

And, you know, if he’s
born-again a few more times,

he just might
serve that out.

And, Jimmy, here’s
a little prison tip
from me to you, Jim.

If you do go in,
you might not want
to drop to your knees

as often as you do
out here.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news...

You’re gonna do it,
ain’t you, Chet?

( horse neighs )
You’re gonna ride her!

You’re gonna ride that
big mare, ain’t you, Chet?

You’re gonna do it!
You’re gonna break
that big, wild mare!

You’re gonna
ride Sheba, Chet!

No one’s ever done it,
but you’re gonna
do it, Chet!

You’re gonna do it,
ain’t you?

( neighing )

If you’re gonna ride her,
come on ahead now!

I can’t hold to her
much longer!

I’d be careful,
Mr. Masters.

This is
a dangerous horse!

( neighing )

We’ll see.

You’re gonna do it,
ain’t you, Chet?

You’re gonna
ride Sheba!

( shouting )

Somebody get me off!

Oh, God!
Somebody help me!

Aaaah!

( neighing )

Get her away from me!

Are you all right, Chet?
Are you okay?

( sobbing )

You’re all right,
ain’t you, Chet? Ain’t you?

I don’t know.
I’m stirred,
I’m shook up!

I was crazy to
get on that horse!

( sobbing )

Mr. Masters...
maybe it ain’t
my place--

I mean, I know I’m
just a stable boy
and all, but...

I’d like to try
and ride that horse.

What?!
You ride her?!
Yeah!

No, Jimmy!
No, Jimmy--

( muttering )

Oh, no! Somebody!
Please help me!

No! What have I done?!
Somebody get me off
this thing!

Aaaaah!

( neighing )

I told you he’s mean.
I told you he’s mean.

What was I
thinkin’, Chet?

I’m just a stable boy.
I could’ve been killed.
Ain’t that right?

Hey! Hey, look!

It’s that little
Indian boy from the
reservation, ain’t it?

Yeah!
And he’s gettin’
on that horse!

Hey! Get away
from there!

Whoa! Whoa!
Get me off of this thing!

Get me off of this thing!

Whoa! Whoa!

Me insane to get
on horse like that.

Me not even have
that good rapport
with animals in general.

What’s
goin’ on here?

It’s that horse--
she won’t let us ride her.

Well, now, ain’t this
a pretty sight?

If there ain’t
a man here that can
break that nag,

guess I’m just gonna
have to ride her.

I don’t know. I--

I don’t think that’s
such a good idea,
Miss Parsons.

Please, Miss Parsons--

( horse neighing )

Aaaaah!

Shoot this thing!
Get me off this thing!

Get it off of me!

Whoa!

( neighing )

Miss Parsons,
are you okay?

Me not think anybody
able to tame that horse.

Maybe not anybody.

But what about
anything? Look!

Well, I’ll be.

I guess we were
just using the
wrong approach.

Hey! They’re lovebirds,
ain’t they?

That’s what they are--
lovebirds, ain’t they?

Look! Big stallion
try and mate with
wild mare!

Look out!

( all shouting )

*

Welcome to...

...with your host
Gil Madabon!

Thank you, Don Pardo!

Hello, everyone,
and welcome

to our returning celebrities,
Mark Linn-Baker...

and Richard Chamberlain.

And, of course,
our contestants--

Sherry Carter, you’re
a speech therapist

at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

That’s right, Gil.

And, Mark,
your partner today

is the office manager
of a downtown law firm.

Let’s welcome
Steve Hoaglin.

Thanks, Gil!

Now, Steve,
let’s play Word Busters!

ANNOUNCER: The words are...

GIL: And go!

Ow! My nose!

( ding, ding )
That’s three points.

The words are...

Hey, quit it!

( ding, ding )
Very good!

The words are...

Shoot, that hurts.
( buzz )

Damn, that hurts!
( buzz )

Damn, that smarts!
( ding, ding )

There we go!

All right,
that’s the end of
the first half.

Mark Linn and Steve
have seven points.

Mark Linn,
you’re amazing.
How do you do it?

The ability to read
my partner like a book.

His weakness is,
of course, acting.

The craft. The work
is so important.

And a vast medical
knowledge--

nerve endings,
pressure points
and the like.

I could go on.
Please don’t.

I was asking
out of politeness.

Now, Richard,
as usual,

you’re paired with
a very lovely lady.

Eh.

Okay!

Well, let’s see how
the two of you do.

Since you have to go
second, Sherry,

we’ll give you
choice of category.

Your choices are
things you say...

How about pins?

I don’t--I don’t want to
go through with this, Gil.

If you can’t decide,
a category will be
chosen at random.

All right, the category is,
things you say...

The words are...

Now, wait a second.

( ding, ding )
And that scores.

The word is...

Hey. Hey, come on,
that’s--It’s not--No!

( ding, ding )
Excellent.

The word is...

( crash )

( buzz )
Judges?

No, the experts tell me

that was more of a crash
than a thud.

Sherry gets no points.

Steve, you and Mark Linn
are the winners

and qualify
for the speed round.

It sounded like
a thud to me.
Maybe we could back.

Oh, like you would
know, Steve.

As always
in the speed round,

you’ll be trying to guess
as many words as possible

in only 15 seconds.

But first, Don Pardo,
tell him what he’ll win.

Something very good.
Very, very good.

Yes! Okay! I’m ready!

All right,
take your positions,

as we begin the most
exciting part of our show.

And ready? Go!

( grunting )

Quit it!
( ding, ding )

No! No!
( ding, ding )

My eyes! No!

Pass! Pass!

All right, we pass.

Ow! Ow! Ah, my head!

( ding, ding )

You did it! Steve,
you are our new champion!

Will you come back
tomorrow?

Oh, I’d love to.
Oh, sorry.

Great! Then we’ll
see you tomorrow

on Word Busters!

Good job!

Marge, gentlemen,
if you’ll all be seated.

Welcome to our annual
post-season club owners’
conference.

We’ve had
an exciting season,

but also a tragic one,

marked by the passing
of our beloved commissioner,
A. Bartlett Giamatti.

Now, here to pay tribute
to our departed leader,

is Bart’s good friend
and colleague--

our new commissioner,
Mr. Fay Vincent.

Thank you.

Respect owners of baseball,

it’s difficult
to find the proper words

to describe the greatness
that was Bart Giamatti.

His loss is one from which
we will never quite recover,

but I know--
and Bart would be
the first to day--

that the game must
and will go on.

However, I would like
to request, as my first
act as commissioner,

that this year’s World Series
be dedicated the memory
of a great man--

A. Bartlett Giamatti.

Furthermore...

I request that the players
of each team

wear black armbands
with Bart’s initials,

in honor
of this great man.

And in addition...

I move that,
beginning next season,

the World Series
be renamed...

the A. Bartlett Giamatti
Series.

I have spoken to the owners
of the Boston Red Sox--

Bart’s favorite team--

and I’ve asked that Fenway Park
be known from here on

as A. Bartlett Giamatti
Stadium.

From here on,
the statistic Runs Batted In

shall be known as "Barts".

( tepid applause )

A pinch hitter
will be called a Bartlett--

or a Giamatt,
depending on which league.

The term
"hitting for the cycle"--

single, double,
triple and home run--

will be known as
"being Bart-ish".

( clears throat )

And left field--
Bart’s favorite position--

will be known as
"Bartland, U.S.A."

Babe Ruth--
baseball’s greatest player--

shall be nicknamed
from here on...

the Bart-bino.

Third base shall
be known as Yale.

The center fielder
will be referred to
as the "iced coffee"--

Bart’s favorite beverage.

And the pitcher’s mound
will be known as "lasagna".

It’s all here in the new
Major League Bartball Rulebook,

which you’ll all be
receiving shortly.

Excuse me,
Mr. Commissioner?

Yes, Bart?

I’m sorry--Fred.
Fred Wilpon, from the Mets.

I know who you were.

But from now on,
everyone in the room--
including myself--

shall be known as
A. Bartlett Giamatti.

I only hope that
we can carry the name

with the same class
and dignity that he did.

Yeah. Well, anyway,
Mr. Commissioner--

Please, Bart...
call me Bart.

Okay. Bart, uh...

in all due respect,
all of us here

have been privileged to
work and to have known
Bart Giamatti,

and it’s important
to honor him and stuff,

but don’t you think
that he would want
to leave the game

the way it’s been for
the last 100 years?

How dare you
betray his memory--

you who bear his name?

Let me remind you,
Bart,

that I have the power
to ban you for bartball.

And that goes
for all of you.

Now, those who want
to keep their teams

will join me in singing
the new bartball anthem.

Just follow
the lyric sheet.
All rise, please.

* Take me out
to a Bartlett *

* Take me
Bartlett Giamatti *

Play Bart!

* Buy me some Bartlett
and Cracker Bart *

* I don’t Bart
if they... *

*

I want to thank
the writers and the cast

and Lorne and everybody,
and Rickie Lee Jones.

There you are!

I had a great time this week.
Thank you very much.

Good night.