Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Mason.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.

( chuckles )

I would like to apologize for all the nasty things I said

about this verkakte schvartze with a mustache Dinkins.

But I also said a lot of nasty things about Koch,

and I’m gonna say a lot of nasty things

about this J. Edgar Hoover Italian Giuliani,

who looks like he combs his hair from somewhere down on his neck

across the top of his head to cover up I-don’t-know-what.

Maybe it’s a tattoo.

I would also like to apologize for Caddyshack II,

which was a disaster, but nonetheless a great opportunity for me,

for which I am grateful to be a Jew.

Also, I would like to apologize to Ed Sullivan

for a gesture I made to him 25 years ago

which caused me to be blacklisted,

and I had to make a comeback,

and I want to apologize for making a comeback.

I’m not a politician. I’m a comedian.

But if you’ve seen this Chicken Soup-- pffft!

This Chicken Soup tastes more like a Campbell’s cream soup that comes out of a can

than a chicken soup that comes from a deli in a take-out container or a bowl.

Why they got this gentile lady Lynn Redgrave together with me, I don’t know.

I should have a parsley and a turnip and an onion and a soup

to make a chicken soup that’s good.

Instead, they got three Catholic kids.

I don’t know what I got. I need a matzo ball.

I also want to apologize for the way I talk,

’cause half the time, I don’t understand what I’m saying.

Now, if anybody wants to know who to vote for for the Mayor,

Ronald Lauder is the guy.

This man is so rich,

his mother gives him so much money,

he spent $10 million on posters and buttons and pins

and this and that and who-knows-what.

So, if you got a steam pipe that’s broken

and you got asbestos all over the place--

inside, in the cat bowl, in the fish tank,

and here and there and everywhere--

he goes to his mother, and he says, "Ma...

"I got an asbestos problem. Give me $150 million.

I’ll buy the building."

And she says, "Ronald, you’re the mayor.

Take the money. I’m so proud of you."

And if you gotta fix the Williamsburg Bridge for $395 billion,

he goes to her and she says, "Ronald, you’re the mayor. Here, take the money."

And in the summertime, when it stinks,

with the horses and the diapers on the street,

with the homeless and the souvlaki and this and that,

and the whole city stinks,

you put a good Estée Lauder Number 9 coating over the whole city,

drop it from an airplane.

Nobody will go to the Hamptons again.

This man should be the mayor--Ronald Lauder.

He’s a fancy Jew without a mustache.

Mister, what do you want me to do?

You’re looking at me like I’m some--

What? What’s this?

You want me to do this verkaktething they do all the time?

This "Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night"?

There, I did it for you.

What? You want it louder? This is what I’m saying.

Louder! Lauder! Louder!

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Rickie Lee Jones.

And starring Rick Moranis.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Moranis!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And, really, thank you for indulging me.

I’ve been watching this show for years,

and I’ve always wanted to play with this fabulous band

and run the camera and direct the show

and deliver a baby right here on Saturday Night Live.

We got a great show! Rickie Lee Jones is here!

We’ll be right back!

Ja,welcome. We’re back.

Ja,only now we are very, very tiny.

*

All right, once again, I am Hans.

And I am Franz.

And even though we are petite, we are still here to...

pump you up! Pump you up!

All right. You know, as you can tell,

we have been accidentally shrunken

by the ultimate girlie man Rick Moranis.

I’m really, really sorry, guys.

Get out of here!

Ja.Don’t be going eating Cheerios around here, either.

Even though we are eensy-weensy,

you are still looking at the two most pumped-up shrunken men in the universe.

Ja.And we are still larger than many things.

For instance, I am twice the size of a Flintstones vitamin.

And not a Barney! A Fred.

Ja.Hear me now and believe me later--

I would rather be a tiny muscleman

than a full-grown girlie man.

Ja,that’s right, Hans, that’s right.

No shrunken girlie man could ever do this.

Ja,that’s right. It’s a whole lemon.

Good one, Franzie.

And could a scaled-down loser

ever be able to lift two pistachio nuts

like Hans is doing so easily?

No.

Ja,I can also bench-press a cashew.

All right, all right, enough talk.

Now it’s time to welcome our guest--

a mouse.

Look how flabby his belly is.

That’s right. And did you--

did you see his skinny little mousey arms?

He should be ashamed.

Ja,where you going little mousey man?

You can run, but you cannot hide.

Ja,you stay away from our pistachio nuts.

We need them to train.

That’s right. This is not the Mouseketeer Club here.

I’m not Annette Funicello.

No, and I’m not Cubby.

That’s right. Look at us when we’re talking to you.

Ja.Look at this and think about this.

He left, Franz.

He was frightened by our pump-itude.

Ja.Well, that’s all right.

He will soon. Ja,that’s right.

Guys, I want you to know

that, even though you’re small,

I think that, in relative terms,

you actually appear more pumped up.

Get out of here.

Ja,don’t be kissing our tiny buttocks now.

Ja,listen to me, Mr. Giant Baby Man,

you know, we can very easily climb up your nostril

and pull out a little nose hair

and wrap it around your head like a baby bonnet.

That’s right. We could very easily

climb into your underpants

and pummel your private parts

until you sound like a girlie man.

Good one, Hans.

Ja,thank you, Franzie.

All right, that’s all the time we have for tonight.

Join us next week when our guest will be a flea--

if we can get him to sit still, huh?

Ja,that’s right. Good one.

So, until next week, I am tiny, little Hans.

And I am teeny, little Franz. And we are here to...

pump you up! Pump you up!

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening.

And what can I tell you?

Oh, yeah?

Well, you, too, buddy!

( laughs )

In an attempt to help quell growing social unrest in East Germany,

Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev

traveled to East Berlin this week.

As the record crowd chanted, "Gorby, Gorby, Gorby,"

Mr. Gorbachev and East German leader Erich Honecker

embraced in a show of party unity.

Tongues! I saw tongues!

You know, that’s funny--

Gorby doesn’t usually give it up on a first summit.

Well, it was a pretty calm week in East Germany.

And here we see a Czech police officer

trying to stop an East German from scaling a fence into West Germany.

Many of the East German refugees

are expected to be employed in the free world as soccer fans.

Events in Panama this week were muddied

when, on Tuesday, Panamanian defense forces

tried to take over the government run by General Manuel Noriega.

After what was assumed to be a struggle,

Noriega supposedly re-seized power later that day.

Reports were confusing, and Panamanian spokesmen agreed

that it would be fair to say that there is no clear complexion

of the events in Panama this week.

Manny, get some Retin-A, babe, okay?

Here with us now with his views

on the Panamanian situation-- and Noriega’s--

advertising executive Mr. Subliminal.

Hello, Mr. Subliminal.

How are you?

First of all, I think the United States government

should abandon their policy of covert activities

against the Norwegian--

Um, what is it? The Noriega regime?

Second of all, if you’re listening, Manuel-- quit job--

you’ve been through quite a bit lately--quit job.

In fact, you should give yourself a pat on the back-- sledgehammer.

I don’t know, maybe treat yourself

to a relaxing vacation-- Siberia.

You know, kick back a little.

Maybe take along a nice little lady,

someone that would appreciate you-- Imelda Marcos.

And maybe settle down. Settle down with her someday-- suicide pact.

Let’s face it. You’re a good-looking guy-- Clearasil.

Not only that--

I think you’re a very intelligent man--lobotomy.

I mean, that’s a pretty clear thing.

Most important-- you know how to run a country--

give someone else a chance, for crying out loud.

So, my advice to you, Manuel-- scumball--

is get out and enjoy the good things in life-- root canal.

You deserve it-- slime bucket.

And, uh, I really think you do.

Oh, can I just add one thing?

Sure, go ahead, Mr. Subliminal.

I just wanted to wish the San Francisco Giants

good luck in the Series-- throw a game.

They’re quite a team-- losers--quite a team. They really are.

Mr. Subliminal, thank you.

Mr. Subliminal.

Unsettling news for American taxpayers this week,

when it was revealed that the B-2 Stealth Bomber

has a very short cruising range--

roughly the equivalent of a Domino’s Pizza delivery area.

But Pentagon officials said not to worry.

If the B-2 doesn’t deliver a nuclear payload within 30 minutes,

we get our $530 million back.

Racing fans this week mourned the death of Secretariat--

widely acknowledged as the greatest racehorse of the last 40 years.

Since being put to stud, Secretariat sired many great runners,

including Preakness and Belmont winner Risen Star,

1986 Horse of the Year Lady’s Secret,

and Canada’s Ben Johnson.

And a--

A pensive George Bush is shown here

waiting backstage at the White House Press Center,

as his pet dog Millie peers through the curtains

and determines which reporter’s leg

she will hump during the upcoming press conference.

And here we see the Pope losing on Final Jeopardy this week.

The Final Jeopardy category was Religion.

American tennis stars Chris Evert and Martina Navratilova

arrived in Tokyo for the Federation Cup

women’s tennis tournament this week.

Martina will participate in the event

under the name "Tom Petty".

Well, the New York Yankees

have just concluded another turbulent season,

finishing with their worst record in 22 years.

Despite widespread criticism, team owner George Steinbrenner

has vowed he will never sell the team as long as he lived.

So, tonight, as a service to New York Yankee fans,

we begin a new feature on Weekend Update--

the George Steinbrenner Health Watch.

We go now to Health Watch correspondent Phil Hartman in Tampa, Florida.

Phil, what’s the word, buddy?

Dennis, I’m standing in front of the Tampa Bay Yacht Club,

where Steinbrenner is weekending with his family.

Steinbrenner apparently had a fairly bad night last night.

He slept with some discomfort, tossed and turned,

but at 7:15 this morning, he did wake up.

Back to you, Dennis.

Thanks, Phil. Were there any hopeful signs?

I understand his eyelids fluttered a few times.

Is that correct?

That’s true, Dennis. But, in my opinion,

he was just having a bad dream.

No cause for optimism.

Okay, keep us up to date if anything happens--

headaches, fatigue, cuts that won’t heal--

let us know right away.

Will do, Dennis. Thank you. Phil Hartman.

Maybe next week, Yankee fans. We’ll keep you posted.

Scientists examining samples from the Canadian Arctic

say they have discovered the oldest stones in the world,

formed some 4.9 billion years ago--

about a billion years older than the stones previously thought to be the oldest--

which were found in Dick Clark’s kidneys.

And here’s this week’s excerpt from The Andy Griffith Diaries.

"Saw Goober at Studio 54. He doesn’t look well."

And now, with a commentary on some contemporary social issues of importance,

here’s Frenchy-- the man you love to hate.

Hello, Frenchy! Hello, Dennis! How are you?

Hello, everybody. I’m Frenchy! How are you?

Isn’t it a beautiful day? Everything good? Good.

I’m Frenchy. I’m from France.

My real name is Pierre, but I live in your country for over 20 years,

so everyone calls me Frenchy!

Everything good? Good!

Now, I would like to talk to you for just a moment

about what you Americans call "women’s liberation".

What a bunch of crap.

Everyone knows women are inferior.

Well, if they weren’t, why are they ones fighting for their rights?

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend anybody.

It’s just that when I was six years old,

my mother abandoned me, and I was raised by my grandmother and aunt,

who constantly beat me up and abused me.

So, if I have a little anger toward women,

surely you can forgive me.

I love women! Really, I do.

I love my wife, and I love all my girlfriends.

I’m Frenchy! Everything good? Good.

What a beautiful day it was today.

It reminded me when I was ten years old--

I’d be outside, playing with my French poodle Fifi.

Oh, I used to stick him in the freezer at night,

watch him thaw out in the morning.

Sometimes I’d operate on him, trying to take away his bark,

and try to put it back.

Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to offend anybody.

It’s just that... when my sister was two years old,

she was eaten by a German Shepherd.

So, surely you can understand

if I have a little anger toward dogs.

I love animals. Really, I do.

I’m Frenchy! Everything good? Oh, good.

You know, speaking of animals,

I was in Alaska last month. What beautiful country!

Oh, I wish you all could’ve been there with me.

I had a wonderful lunch by a lake,

then I went for a walk,

and I clubbed a baby seal to death.

And--Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to offend anybody.

It’s just then-- well, I was minding my own business,

when the seal came up to me and nuzzled his little nose on my shoe--

for no reason at all.

But, really, you shouldn’t feel too sorry for him.

He put up quite the fight.

I’m Frenchy!

Well, I have to go now. I hope you all have a wonderful life.

I hope to see you all again. I love all the people-- really, I do.

Well, except for Jews.

Did I mention I was French? I’m Frenchy!

( indistinct )

Yeah.

Frenchy, everybody.

Yeah.

God, I hate him.

But you gotta love him!

According to Variety this week,

there are more sequels coming

in the form of Rocky V, Halloween 5,

Texas Chainsaw Massacre III,

and Star Trek VI: The Apology.

And the cocaine possession jury trial of Grace Jones

was postponed this week for the fifth time

since her arrest in April.

A court spokesman said, "Hey, you find 12 peers for this chick."

Here we see President Bush stretching

before one of his daily jogs in Kennebunkport.

Boy, I wish he was that flexible on abortion.

And archeologists this week unearthed evidence

of a heretofore unknown tribe in the Yucatan Peninsula.

The tribe-- a highly mobile group known as the Slincas.

Here we see a Slinca high priest

descending from the top of a sacrificial Slinca altar.

( laughs )

And Jim Bakker was found guilty this week

of bilking his ministry of over $158 million.

What a-- No, that’s okay.

What a--

( applause )

* One tin soldier rides away *

What a weasel this Bakker guy is.

He reminds of the type of guy who would’ve dressed up like a woman

to get in one of the Titanic’slifeboats.

Bakker faces a possible 120 years in prison.

And, you know, if he’s born-again a few more times,

he just might serve that out.

And, Jimmy, here’s a little prison tip from me to you, Jim.

If you do go in, you might not want to drop to your knees

as often as you do out here.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news...

You’re gonna do it, ain’t you, Chet?

( horse neighs ) You’re gonna ride her!

You’re gonna ride that big mare, ain’t you, Chet?

You’re gonna do it! You’re gonna break that big, wild mare!

You’re gonna ride Sheba, Chet!

No one’s ever done it, but you’re gonna do it, Chet!

You’re gonna do it, ain’t you?

( neighing )

If you’re gonna ride her, come on ahead now!

I can’t hold to her much longer!

I’d be careful, Mr. Masters.

This is a dangerous horse!

( neighing )

We’ll see.

You’re gonna do it, ain’t you, Chet?

You’re gonna ride Sheba!

( shouting )

Somebody get me off!

Oh, God! Somebody help me!

Aaaah!

( neighing )

Get her away from me!

Are you all right, Chet? Are you okay?

( sobbing )

You’re all right, ain’t you, Chet? Ain’t you?

I don’t know. I’m stirred, I’m shook up!

I was crazy to get on that horse!

( sobbing )

Mr. Masters... maybe it ain’t my place--

I mean, I know I’m just a stable boy and all, but...

I’d like to try and ride that horse.

What?! You ride her?! Yeah!

No, Jimmy! No, Jimmy--

( muttering )

Oh, no! Somebody! Please help me!

No! What have I done?! Somebody get me off this thing!

Aaaaah!

( neighing )

I told you he’s mean. I told you he’s mean.

What was I thinkin’, Chet?

I’m just a stable boy. I could’ve been killed. Ain’t that right?

Hey! Hey, look!

It’s that little Indian boy from the reservation, ain’t it?

Yeah! And he’s gettin’ on that horse!

Hey! Get away from there!

Whoa! Whoa! Get me off of this thing!

Get me off of this thing!

Whoa! Whoa!

Me insane to get on horse like that.

Me not even have that good rapport with animals in general.

What’s goin’ on here?

It’s that horse-- she won’t let us ride her.

Well, now, ain’t this a pretty sight?

If there ain’t a man here that can break that nag,

guess I’m just gonna have to ride her.

I don’t know. I--

I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Miss Parsons.

Please, Miss Parsons--

( horse neighing )

Aaaaah!

Shoot this thing! Get me off this thing!

Get it off of me!

Whoa!

( neighing )

Miss Parsons, are you okay?

Me not think anybody able to tame that horse.

Maybe not anybody.

But what about anything? Look!

Well, I’ll be.

I guess we were just using the wrong approach.

Hey! They’re lovebirds, ain’t they?

That’s what they are-- lovebirds, ain’t they?

Look! Big stallion try and mate with wild mare!

Look out!

( all shouting )

*

Welcome to...

...with your host Gil Madabon!

Thank you, Don Pardo!

Hello, everyone, and welcome

to our returning celebrities, Mark Linn-Baker...

and Richard Chamberlain.

And, of course, our contestants--

Sherry Carter, you’re a speech therapist

at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

That’s right, Gil.

And, Mark, your partner today

is the office manager of a downtown law firm.

Let’s welcome Steve Hoaglin.

Thanks, Gil!

Now, Steve, let’s play Word Busters!

ANNOUNCER: The words are...

GIL: And go!

Ow! My nose!

( ding, ding ) That’s three points.

The words are...

Hey, quit it!

( ding, ding ) Very good!

The words are...

Shoot, that hurts. ( buzz )

Damn, that hurts! ( buzz )

Damn, that smarts! ( ding, ding )

There we go!

All right, that’s the end of the first half.

Mark Linn and Steve have seven points.

Mark Linn, you’re amazing. How do you do it?

The ability to read my partner like a book.

His weakness is, of course, acting.

The craft. The work is so important.

And a vast medical knowledge--

nerve endings, pressure points and the like.

I could go on. Please don’t.

I was asking out of politeness.

Now, Richard, as usual,

you’re paired with a very lovely lady.

Eh.

Okay!

Well, let’s see how the two of you do.

Since you have to go second, Sherry,

we’ll give you choice of category.

Your choices are things you say...

How about pins?

I don’t--I don’t want to go through with this, Gil.

If you can’t decide, a category will be chosen at random.

All right, the category is, things you say...

The words are...

Now, wait a second.

( ding, ding ) And that scores.

The word is...

Hey. Hey, come on, that’s--It’s not--No!

( ding, ding ) Excellent.

The word is...

( crash )

( buzz ) Judges?

No, the experts tell me

that was more of a crash than a thud.

Sherry gets no points.

Steve, you and Mark Linn are the winners

and qualify for the speed round.

It sounded like a thud to me. Maybe we could back.

Oh, like you would know, Steve.

As always in the speed round,

you’ll be trying to guess as many words as possible

in only 15 seconds.

But first, Don Pardo, tell him what he’ll win.

Something very good. Very, very good.

Yes! Okay! I’m ready!

All right, take your positions,

as we begin the most exciting part of our show.

And ready? Go!

( grunting )

Quit it! ( ding, ding )

No! No! ( ding, ding )

My eyes! No!

Pass! Pass!

All right, we pass.

Ow! Ow! Ah, my head!

( ding, ding )

You did it! Steve, you are our new champion!

Will you come back tomorrow?

Oh, I’d love to. Oh, sorry.

Great! Then we’ll see you tomorrow

on Word Busters!

Good job!

Marge, gentlemen, if you’ll all be seated.

Welcome to our annual post-season club owners’ conference.

We’ve had an exciting season,

but also a tragic one,

marked by the passing of our beloved commissioner, A. Bartlett Giamatti.

Now, here to pay tribute to our departed leader,

is Bart’s good friend and colleague--

our new commissioner, Mr. Fay Vincent.

Thank you.

Respect owners of baseball,

it’s difficult to find the proper words

to describe the greatness that was Bart Giamatti.

His loss is one from which we will never quite recover,

but I know-- and Bart would be the first to day--

that the game must and will go on.

However, I would like to request, as my first act as commissioner,

that this year’s World Series be dedicated the memory of a great man--

A. Bartlett Giamatti.

Furthermore...

I request that the players of each team

wear black armbands with Bart’s initials,

in honor of this great man.

And in addition...

I move that, beginning next season,

the World Series be renamed...

the A. Bartlett Giamatti Series.

I have spoken to the owners of the Boston Red Sox--

Bart’s favorite team--

and I’ve asked that Fenway Park be known from here on

as A. Bartlett Giamatti Stadium.

From here on, the statistic Runs Batted In

shall be known as "Barts".

( tepid applause )

A pinch hitter will be called a Bartlett--

or a Giamatt, depending on which league.

The term "hitting for the cycle"--

single, double, triple and home run--

will be known as "being Bart-ish".

( clears throat )

And left field-- Bart’s favorite position--

will be known as "Bartland, U.S.A."

Babe Ruth-- baseball’s greatest player--

shall be nicknamed from here on...

the Bart-bino.

Third base shall be known as Yale.

The center fielder will be referred to as the "iced coffee"--

Bart’s favorite beverage.

And the pitcher’s mound will be known as "lasagna".

It’s all here in the new Major League Bartball Rulebook,

which you’ll all be receiving shortly.

Excuse me, Mr. Commissioner?

Yes, Bart?

I’m sorry--Fred. Fred Wilpon, from the Mets.

I know who you were.

But from now on, everyone in the room-- including myself--

shall be known as A. Bartlett Giamatti.

I only hope that we can carry the name

with the same class and dignity that he did.

Yeah. Well, anyway, Mr. Commissioner--

Please, Bart... call me Bart.

Okay. Bart, uh...

in all due respect, all of us here

have been privileged to work and to have known Bart Giamatti,

and it’s important to honor him and stuff,

but don’t you think that he would want to leave the game

the way it’s been for the last 100 years?

How dare you betray his memory--

you who bear his name?

Let me remind you, Bart,

that I have the power to ban you for bartball.

And that goes for all of you.

Now, those who want to keep their teams

will join me in singing the new bartball anthem.

Just follow the lyric sheet. All rise, please.

* Take me out to a Bartlett *

* Take me Bartlett Giamatti *

Play Bart!

* Buy me some Bartlett and Cracker Bart *

* I don’t Bart if they... *

*

I want to thank the writers and the cast

and Lorne and everybody, and Rickie Lee Jones.

There you are!

I had a great time this week. Thank you very much.

Good night.