All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E01.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

ANNOUNCER: And now,
from the White House,

the President
of the United States.

All right, good evening.
Good evening.

You know, it’s been a while
since I talked to you.

Let me tell you,
it’s been a good summer,

up there in
the Bush Family compound

up there in Kenne--
Kennebunkport Bay.

That whole area up there.

Up in that speedboat,
going round and round,

doing loop-the-loops.

Heh! Did some fishing.

Didn’t catch any.
Not the point.

Nope. No, sir.
Got out there on that water,

got in that relaxation mode,

recharged the batteries.

I feel good.

Voice--Voice low.

Voice low. Getting lower.

Doctors tell me
it can go lower even still.

Whining, screeching--
thing of the past.

Hurricane Hugo doing
that damage down there,

going round and round,
doing that hurricane thing
down there.

Lot of damage.

Natural disaster.
Not my fault.

Spending relief--
sending it down there.

Not too much,
not too quickly.

Wouldn’t be prudent
at this juncture.

And the drug problem--

bigger than ever.

This is--
This is cocaine crack.

I’ll tell you something--
this crack was bought
right here

in the White House...

three feet from this desk.

Drug problem--
worse than we ever thought.

Marijuana being grown
in the Rose Garden.

Millie, the Bush dog,
bringing in a crack pipe

from the South Lawn.

It’s bad! Bad!

Had to close down
an ecstasy factory
in the Lincoln Bedroom.

We’re gonna whip it
with a three-pronged attack.

First prong--education.

Tell our kids
that it’s bad.

Second prong--interdiction.

Self-explanatory.

Third prong--

Third prong--a secret.

Secret prong.

Not gonna reveal it now.

Wouldn’t be prudent
at this juncture.

Now, allow me to say
a personal word

to the Medellín cartel.

You know, this week
you threatened to kidnap
members of my family.

Well, let me see you try.

My kid Jeb--packing heat.

My son Neil knows 30 ways
to kill a man,

and all of them work.

Jeb can make an incision
under the chin
with his bare hand,

pull the face up
over the skull.

Skull laid bare.

He can thrust his hand
through a man’s chest cavity

pull out the heart
while it’s still beating,

show it to the victim.

Still enough blood
in the victim’s brain
to see it.

Show it to him before the body
collapses to the floor.

Seen it.
Seen it many times.

Doro, my only daughter,

just graduated from
an evasive driving course.

That leaves us with Bar,
my wife.

Bar lived a full life.

Ready to die.

Has a cyanide capsule
on that necklace of hers.

Will bite down when and if
the time comes.

So, to sum up--

Hurricane Hugo--
not my fault.

This summer--good.
Voice low.

Dan Quayle--
still gaining acceptance.

Drugs--bad!

Jeb--packing heat.

Neil--trained killer.

Bar--ready to die.

Once again,
those people up there,

doing that thing up there,

trying to drag me into that
"Live from New York" thing--

something I’m not gonna do.
Not gonna do it.

Not gonna go out there and say,
"Live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night!"

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Neil Young.

And starring Bruce Willis.

( blues music playing )

Huh-how!
We’ll be right back.

We’ve got a great show!

One, two, three, four!

Neil Young is here!
We’ll be right back!

Thank you.

( baby crying )

I didn’t expect
to see you up.

I didn’t expect
to beup.

*

You gotta let
this thing go.

The doctor said
it wasn’t your fault.

( sighs )

I could’ve taken
better care of myself.

I could’ve
eaten better.

You can’t eat
better than this.

I wasn’t eating this
when it happened.

Would you stop
beating yourself up?

It’s not your fault
that it’s brand-new.

I, uh...came over
to apologize.

I am so sorry

about what I said
last night.

I just--
You’re not perfect.

I just needed someone
to be perfect in my life
right now.

Have you
had breakfast?

No. No, I never
have time for breakfast.

I just don’t have time.
I don’t--

I just...don’t.

That’s no way
to start your day.

I know.

I know, I know,
I know, I know.

This is good.

And good for you.
No fat, no sugar.

No salt.

And in all the shapes

of your favorite
thirtysomething
characters.

Oh, guys.

I got an oat bran Elliot.

I like the way
the vitamin-fortified
Hope flakes

stay crisp in skim milk.

Well, Ned, let’s go!

I got the court
in ten minutes.

Come on--basketball!
Remember?

Haven’t had my
thirtysomethingcereal yet.

Oh, come on,
you don’t eat cereal.

*

I say we get out
of here right now.

Come on, this midair thing--
it’s just not you.

What do you say?
I can picture it--

a life raft,
a warm breeze,

a six-pack of champagne.

Oh! Ha ha!
That’s bad.

By the way.
My name is David.

My friends call me Dave,
but you can call me
Boo-Boo Bear.

Boo-Boo Bear!
( laughing )

You’re so funny.

You know, we’ve
been on this plane
three hours,

and you have
not said one
unfunny thing.

I mean, I’ve
never met anybody

who’s so
constantly witty.

Are you
ever serious?

For a very brief time
in the morning.

But if you’re lucky,
you may get to see me
early in the morning.

( laughs )

You’re incredible.

Silence!
( all gasp )

Nobody is to move.

We’re perfectly ready
to kill you one by one

if anyone gives us
any reason at all!
Is that clear?

Not exactly.
I’m a little confused

on that "any reason
at all" thing.

Tugging on your beard--
would that be
a good reason?

( laughing )

What?! You think
that is funny?

Then you die. Take her.

Oh, my God! No!

( people shouting )

( gunshots )

Well...now you see
that we mean business.

We mean what we say.

Ah, but do you
say what you mean?

Because you can
say what you mean

and still not mean
what you say.

But you know what
the most important
thing is?

Your health. If you
have your health...

Ohh...kill another!

What? No! No, please!
He said it!

( shouting )

( gunshots )

So...

you thought
this was a joke.

No, no,
thisis a joke.

Three ragheads walk
into a bar, see?

Enough! Kill two more!

( excited chatter )

No! No!

No, please!

( gunshots )

( screaming )

Next...we will
kill the nun!

That will eat at you
for the rest of your life.

You mean like that
coach class cannelloni

they gave me
a half an hour ago?

Incredible!
You, come with me!

( screaming )

Write when
you get work!

( gunshots )

Look, uh...excuse me.
I don’t want to
interrupt,

but we think
you’re really clever.

I mean, you really
come up with them
like that.

It’s very
entertaining.

You obviously haven’t read
the in-flight magazine.

Now, thatis some
entertainment, my friend.

Well, it just seems
that it’s causing
a lot of people to die.

What’s going on?!

Just girl talk--
nothing you’d be
interested in.

He dies.

Hey! Hey! I was trying
to stop him!

( gunshots )

Now...I’ve decided that
we have killed too many

to land in Greece.
We are going to Beirut.

Question--will this be
added to my frequent
flier mileage?

That whole row--
kill them all!

( gunfire )

A little more over there.

( gunfire )

You know, that was not even
a particularly good quip,

and yet so many died.
Does this not horrify you?

You want to know what
horrifies me, Habib?

That you’re still doing
this Don Johnson number
with your beard.

The show’s been
cancelled, my friend.
Wake up.

It’s over. You’ve
been out in the sand
a little too long.

You can’t just go
from riding camels
to hijacking planes...

( continues
indistinctly )

Touch him, love him!

How are you, little pal?

Oh! Oh,
son of a bitch bit me!

Come on, monkey.

Let’s see what’s in
that belly of yours.

Now is the time on Sprockets
when we dance.

*

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you.

Well, good evening,
and what can I tell you?

President Bush appeared
at a press conference today

with the 12 Americans
who have never done drugs.

At a luncheon held Friday
in Tokyo,

Vice President Dan Quayle
reveals that a pinch
of cayenne pepper

will change the flavor
of most any dish.

Boy, they got
the Quayle-meister
on a short leash, don’t they?

You don’t see much
of the kid anymore.

Sort of like the Barney Fife
of the Bush Administration.

In California,
the State Senate this week

okayed a 15-round limit
on ammunition clips
for automatic weapons.

The move was applauded
by every 16th person
in California.

Ferdinand Marcos
died on Thursday,

and here, the former
Philippine President

is seen being carried out
in one of his wife
Imelda’s shoeboxes.

We, uh--

We have his exiled
widow with us now

on a live remote
from Hawaii.

Imelda, how you
holding up, baby?

Oh, Dennis...

this has been
a difficult week for me.

The memory of my husband
will always be with me.

And now it looks as if
his body will always
be with me, too.

Mrs. Aquino--Cory--
if you are listening,

my God, grant us
one shred of dignity.

Take the body back!

I don’t got a palace here.
It’s a lousy beach house.

I need the space!

Come on. We can
bury the hatchet
and my husband

in one crack.

We’re on the same boat
now, you and me.

We still got a lot
of living to do.

I can show you
how to party till
your socks fall off!

Damn you! Damn you, lady!
Let’s boogie, let’s live!

You know, I still got
connections in Hollywood.

I can introduce you
to Arsenio Hall.

Come on, Cory,
let’s leave.
Let’s do it.

Today is the first day
of the rest of our lives.

Well, thank you,
Leona.

And, uh...

An update
on the Marcos story--

as President Aquino
reiterated her refusal

to allow Marcos
to be buried in Manila,

an offer has come
from the United States.

The Giants Stadium
in Meadowlands, New Jersey,

says they have plenty of room
in their end zone,

and added Marcos would be
in good company.

Those two U.S. Air pilots
this week continued to face
intense scrutiny

after they slid a plane
off the runway

at New York’s LaGuardia Airport
approximately two weeks ago.

The pilots still have to
account for their whereabouts

for the six hours
before the flight,

and they also were not
available for drug testing

for 48 hours
after the actual wreck.

They also face questioning
from an irate group of
right-to-life people

who are very displeased
that the takeoff was aborted.

In an effort to cut back
on expenditures this week,

the impoverished airline
Braniff Air

announced the institution
of a new system called
the "Gang Takeoff".

( gasps )

A hole in the life-protecting
ozone layer over Antarctica

has grown far bigger
than experts forecasted,

New Zealand scientist
Tom Clarkson said this week.

He said the ozone hole
was much bigger

than the one that
developed last year,

and could eventually become
the biggest hole on record.

Jumping into the breach was
environmentalist Marlon Brando,

who said if we can
get him up there,

he’ll plug the hole
all by himself.

Hey, Marlon...

maybe you should
start getting the popcorn
without butter, okay, babe?

Zsa Zsa Gabor holds up
a doodle she made

of the type of woman
she might be attracted to

if she goes to prison.

Later, Zsa Zsa said
the mustache was optional.

I’m gonna add
a little guitar

to make it easy
to move your feet.

( Sly & the Family Stone’s
Dance to the Musicplaying )

The New York City--

The New York City
rent-controlled apartment

that Irving Berlin occupied
since 1907

went back on the renter’s
market this week.

It has 16 rooms,
a view of the entire city,

a huge wraparound terrace,
two indoor pools,

and the rent--
$9.35 a month.

Depp!

Grieco!

Grieco!

Depp!

Depp andGrieco!

Grieco and Depp!

You know--

You know, I’m the furthest
thing from gay,

but those two kids are hot.

( laughs )

Due--

Due to the meager earnings
of the last James Bond film--

The Living Daylights--

series producer Cubby Broccoli
announced this week

that Timothy Dalton will
be let go and replaced
as James Bond

by the camel
from the Camel Filter
cigarette ads.

I want to remind you all
that tonight at 10:00 to 1:00,

NBC, on this program,
will present a retrospective
celebration

of Saturday Night Live’s
second 15 years.

Here are some
highlight clips.

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

This is good.

We’re going to Beirut.

Will this be added to my
frequent flier mileage?

How are you,
little pal?
Let’s go--

Oh! Oh, son of
a bitch bit me!

Women who name their breasts--
next Donahue.

You know, some of those things
really hold up, don’t they?

And now--

And now, one of
the greatest pontificators
of our generation--

A. Whitney Brown.

Hello, Whitney.
Dennis.

Good to be here.

Thank you.

Well, my friends,
the Big Picture tonight

is 13 stripes
of red and white--

Old Glory,
the Star-Spangled Banner.

You know, I’m happy to say
the flag that flew
over Iwo Jima

has not lost its value
with time.

In fact, recently
it was sold at Sotheby’s

to a wealthy
Japanese collector.

Now, only the lowest
form of scum

would burn
the American flag,

but in America,
there’s no law against being
the lowest form of scum.

And I’d like
to keep it that way--

not that it affects me
personally,

but I have some friends
in this business

that might be hitting me up
for bail money.

Now, I love this country.
I even vacation here.

And I love the flag.
As a matter of fact,
I get goose bumps

every time I lick a stamp
with the flag on it.

But now, just because
I don’t burn the flag,

suddenly that makes me
a law-abiding citizen.

And I resent that.

In fact, I’m against any law
that I wouldn’t break

if I could get away with it.

You know, it’s bad enough
there’s a federal law
against burning money.

And, of course,
people get around that

but putting it
in Savings and Loans.

But one guy burned a flag
in public four years ago,

and the President wants
to amend the Constitution
over it.

Now, I know--a lot of people
have died for the flag.

But a lot of people have died
for a lot of different flags,

and I’ll bet you some of them
wish they hadn’t.

You know, 29 countries have
red, white and blue flags.

And I’ll tell you this,
my friends--

it wasn’t the originality
of our founding flag designers

that inspired those citizens
to stand up to the tanks
in Tiananmen Square.

No, it was
the Bill of Rights--

a masterpiece of
the most brilliant minds
of the Age of Enlightenment,

a beacon of freedom
to all the world.

The flag? It isn’t even
Betsy Ross’ best work.

You know, she did
a needlepoint of a log cabin
that was just fabulous.

Now, it’s easy to get
a symbol mixed up with
what it stands for.

I know, because
when I was a teenager,

I used to sleep with
a Playboycenterfold.

It was a picture, but to me,
it was a symbol of sex,

in the same way
a photo opportunity
at a flag factory

is a symbol of freedom.

In other words,
they’re both just jerking off.

And you know, putting
an image before reality,

is the definition
of idolatry.

And I’m not necessarily
calling the President a pagan,

but a country that
loves freedom enough

to let its flag be burned
for the sake of it

is just following
the example of a god
who loves his people so much,

he let them kill his son.

And that, my friends,
is the Big Picture.

Thank you,
Whitney Brown.

Thank you, Dennis.
That was a great
pleasure.

Here’s a update on that
embryo custody trial.

In Hollywood,
the Disney studio has announced

that it’s purchased the rights
to the story of the Davises

and the custody battle
over the seven frozen embryos.

The 1990 summer release
will be entitled

Honey,
I Defrosted the Kids.

The government disclosed
this week

that presidential assailer
John Hinckley last year

referred to Charles Manson
as a "cool dude".

Manson was quoted
as saying that Hinckley
is "a really shaky dude

who quite frankly
really freaks me out."

Ouch. A chill shot
from the Chuck-man.

That’s gotta hurt
the Hinckster.

( voice trails off )

*

*

*

ANNOUNCER: The following
program is brought to you

by a grant
from the Chubb Group.

*

It’s time for
Home Improvement with...

Hello, and welcome to
The Anal-Retentive Carpenter.

I’m Gene.

And today we’re going
to be building a window box
for our window.

Now, what do we need
for this project?

Well, we need
our blueprint here.

We need a wide array
of tools,

and, as always, lots and lots
of careful planning.

But we know that, don’t we?

You know, there’s
an old saying that goes...

"The best-laid plans
of mice and men
aft gang agley."

But we don’t intend
to gang agley here, do we?

No, we don’t.

Now, our blueprint
calls for us to cut
two boards, but--

but it doesn’t call for...

the silly, hazardous placement
of pushpins, does it?

So, let’s just
straighten this out.

Take these extras off.
We’ll just leave the blue ones

because they blend in nicely.

Put these nasties
over here.

And, of course,
our tool belt

is loaded
and ready for use.

Now, we’ve got our hammer,
our pliers,

our tape measure, our awl,

clamp, extension cord,
screwdriver and marker.

That’s H-P-T-A-C-E-S-M.

I can remember it
by repeating to myself,

"Howard plants tulips
and chrysanthemums
every Sunday morning."

Actually,
I never use my awl,

but I need it there
to keep the syntax correct.

Now, let’s take a look
at our lumber.

We have a sturdy
plank here.

And we have
a matching 1X2.

You know, choosing lumber
is very important,

so don’t let them rush you
at the lumber yard.

I picked this piece out
in about, oh...

an hour and 45 minutes.

And it’s a pretty good board,
don’t you think?

It’s not perfect
by any means.

It has this knot here,

and the grain isn’t exactly
as uniform as I’d like, and--

Oh, there’s a little
blemish I didn’t see
when I bought this.

Well, I guess we’re just
going to have to put
this little fellow

into the kindling box.

But I want to cut
that knot off first,

because I don’t want that
staring back at me

from the fireplace.

So, let’s clamp
our defective timber
into our vice

and get it ready to cut.

And how do we cut our board?

Well, we remove our saw
from our saw sheath.

No corrosion
on this little darling.

And let’s uncover
our little mini-vac.

And, lining up our saw
with our thumbnail,

we cut and clean.

Cut and clean.

And cut and clean.

There. Now, this piece is
all ready for the fireplace.

And this little devil
is ready for the trash.

Now, how do we discard
our wooden refuse?

Well, we get...

our little
scrap basket here.

And we remove
a scrap bag.

Place our scrap
inside the bag.

Fold it over,
keeping the corners square,

and we staple...

once...and twice.

Now, of course,
there is the problem

of the staples punching
through our plastic trash bag.

But watch this.

We get another bag.

And...

we slide the first
scrap bag in, staples first,

like this.

Come on, get in there,
you little demon.

There. There he goes.

Now, we staple again.

But we do not fold over
this time.

Staple once.

And staple twice.

Now, I know what
you’re thinking--
"But, Gene...

those staples could burst
through that plastic
trash bag as well.

Well, they can’t,
and here’s why.

Because we make
a little cup...

that covers the staples.

There.
Ready for the trash.

And this is some wooden refuse
we can all live with.

And this goes back
under our workbench.

All right.

Put my cover back on.

Oh. Let’s replace--

I’m replacing
our mini-vac cozy.

And I notice some of you
are probably admiring this.

I call this
my DustBuster Duster.

I made it out of corduroy
and some cotton ribbon

and little macaroni shells.

I think it has--

Well, it just cheers up
the whole appliance.

All right,
back to our project.

Now, we’ve pre-marked
our 1X12 here, and--

Oh, my, what a bold
little mark we are.

I think we should
take that down with
an art gum eraser,

which I keep handy with--

Art gum eraser.

There’s an "A"
I use all the time,

so we can get rid
of this awful awl.

I’ll just put
my art gum eraser in there.

But now we have
to put this away.

So, let’s get our toolbox.

Put that on our table here
and open it up.

Now, we have everything
arranged in alphabetical order,

so we’re going to have
to bump things

because "awl"
starts with an "A".

And that means our chalk
is going to have to go
where "chuck" is...

ANNOUNCER: This has been
Home Improvement.

With the Anal-Retentive
Carpenter.

She was like the air--

brittle
and easily broken.

*

How could one so perfect
be so flawed?

Dearest--
Not now.

I’m busy.

She was
an incandescent angel,

dancing on the edge
of a ritual

that was both innocent
and jejune.

Yes.

She was.

A translucent figure

glowing in the light
and fire

of her overwhelming passion.

Save me.
Why?

I wonder which
was the greater
transgression--

loving her,
or abiding her
immaculate madness.

A little club soda
will get that out.

Liar!

*

You are watching Cable 10,
Aurora, Illinois,

Community Access Channel.

*

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( whooping )

Excellent.
All right. Okay.

Welcome to
Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host,
Wayne Campbell.

Party!
Whoo!

Party hardy!
It’s Friday, it’s 10:30.
It’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host,
Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always,
is Garth.

Party on, Wayne.
Party on, Garth.

Okay. Before I bring out
our first guest,

let me explain
the bogus music you can
hear from upstairs.

My parentals are
having a party.

Let’s just hope they don’t
wander downstairs drunk

and make us go get ice.

Yeah, parents get scary
when they’re wasted.

Oh! Speaking of scary--

this week,
we’ve got a new feature
on Wayne’s World.

We call it
Extreme Close-up.

Extreme Close-up!
Extreme Close-up!

BOTH: Waaaaah!

* Extreme Close-up,
Extreme Close-up *

* Party time,
excellent *

Whoo!
Whoo!

Okay.
Excellent.

That was a good buzz.
All right.

That was great.

Okay, let’s bring out
our first guest.

You all know him,
’cause he’s by far

the coolest senior
in school.

I mean, you can’t
even get near him
in the smoking area

because of the sea
of babe-itude that’s
around him.

You know? And tonight,
he’s going to unveil

the new cool word
for the school year.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the coolest guy
in school--Rick.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( whooping )

Great. Welcome to
Wayne’s World, Rick.

Hello.

Well, I’m really
honored to have you
on the show, man.

Did you have
a good summer?

Yeah.

Okay.

( chuckling )

Whoa. Whew!

I had a good summer.
Yeah.

I went to Great America,
and then I got mono.

Garth, how was
your summer?

I worked
in my dad’s store,

and I saw Batman
seven times.

Yeah, what did
you do, Rick?

What’s that, Garg?

What did--What did--

What did you do, Rick?

I was in reform school.

That’s cool, man.
Excellent.

Why?

Why what?

Why were you
in reform school?

I pulled a B&E.

Breaking and entering.
Excellent, excellent.

I know, I know.
Shh, shh. Shut up.

Well, if you don’t mind
my being so bold, Rick,

are you ready to unveil
the new cool word
for the school year?

I should explain
something, all right?

Last year,
Rick’s new cool word
was "pail", or "bucket"--

as in, "Hey, what do
you think of the new
substitute teacher?"

"I think he’s pail,
he’s bucket."

And, Rick, this year,
the new cool word is--

Go, Garth. Go.

The word is...

"sphincter".

Excellent!
Excellent!

Sphincter!

That’s the greatest
word I’ve ever
heard in my life.

How do you do that?

They appear to me
as if in a dream.

Unnecessary zoom!
Unnecessary zoom!

Whoa!
Ohh!

Unnecessary zoom!
Unnecessary zoom!

* Unnecessary zoom,
unnecessary zoom *

* Party time,
excellent *

( whooping )

Wow, Rick,
you are so cool.

You know, you should
have your own show.

What a traitor
you are, man.

Stab me in the back,
why don’t you?

Schwing! I believe
this is yours.

What a quisling!

Wow. Wayne,
don’t be such a--

a sphincter.

Yeah! Right!

You’re the one
who’s sphinct-ticious.

Yeah, right. Yeah.

Wayne, you’re
a sphinctoid.

Well, that’s all
very interesting,
my funky friend,

but I see you dabble
in the ways of sphinctery.

Wayne, you’re an example

of tragic sphincterism
gone unchecked.

Good one, Rick!

Yeah, Wayne,
you go off the
sphinct-ometer.

I have seen the sphincter,
and it is Garth.

Oh, very nice, Wayne
Very nice.

Excellent.
Thanks, Rick.

Okay, Rick,
you’re a cool guy, right?

Do something cool
on the show.

How about
a crank call?

Excellent!

Okay, who? Who?

Upstairs.

Great, great.

Go, go, go.

Woman: Hello?

Is this Wayne’s mother?

Yes, it is.

May I speak to Wayne?

I’m afraid he’s doing
his show right now.

Well, it’s rather
important.

Who, may I ask,
is calling?

His math teacher--
Mr. Sphincter.

Ah! Excellent!

Hold on, I’ll get him.

( door opens )

Wayne? Honey,
I’m sorry to interrupt,

but your math teacher
Mr. Sphincter is on the line.

I’m sorry, Mom--
what was that
name again?

Mr. Sphincter.

Thanks.

You kids
having fun, honey?

’Cause that’s important.
Mwwwwah!

Want some potato chips
or some rum balls?

Yeah, rum balls--
yeah, right, Mom.

Okay. Well, you gotta
talk to Mr. Sphincter.

Is the music
too loud, honey?

No, it’s okay.
But, Mom...

just so I’m
clear, okay?

Who’s on
the line again?

How many times do I have
to tell you?

Mr. Sphincter!

Okay, I’ll see you later.
Good-bye, Garth.

Have fun there.

Bye, Mom!

Oh, man,
that was so funny.

I swear I was gonna hurl.

Uh, well,
look here, boys,

I got party to go to.
I’m out the back way.

A party?
Don’t even think
about coming.

It’s a gimp-free zone.

Okay, well,
thanks for coming
on the show, Rick.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

Oh, I can’t believe
he came on the show.
That’s amazing.

Excellent.

Wayne! Hi, Garth!

I just saw Rick on TV.
Where is he?

He’s so cute.
I have to talk to him.

Nancy, we have a show,
all right?

I mean, you see Rick,
you bowl over here
like a mental case?

Yeah,
what a nympho.

( coughing )
What a slut. What a slut.

Shut up.
Sorry, I have a cold.

*

ANNOUNCER: Bruce Willis--
the man and his music.

* Seagram’s
Cold Wine Cooler *

* It’s wet and it’s dry *

* My, my, my, my *

Finally, in one
record collection,

the hits of Bruce Willis.

* Allstate Auto Insurance *

* Safe driver rates *

* My, my, my, my *

These are the songs
that paid for Bruce’s house.

* Depends adult undergarments *

* It’s wet and it’s dry *

* My, my, my, my *

All the songs
that paid for...

...and much, much more.

* Exxon... *

*

( laughs )
Thank you very much.

We’ve had a lot of fun
tonight doing this show.

I want to thank
my musical guest Neil Young.

How about it? Whoo!

Looking good, Neil.

Looking good, Neil.

Good night, everybody.

If any of you are
driving home tonight,

please take the car.

( laughs )

We’ve had a good time.
Good-bye. Good night.

We’ll see you soon.
Adiós.