All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E20.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

ANNOUNCER: Now
from the White House,

the President
of the United States.

Good evening.

Wanna thank the networks
for granting me this time

to talk about a place
halfway around the world.

I’m talking about China,

where a wind is blowing,
excuse me,

excuse me --
a breeze.

Can’t call it a wind.

Not enough information.

A breeze of democracy
in China.

You know, Bar and I
spent some time in China

and one thing
about the the Chinese people,

well, they’re good.
Good people.

China gonna
become democratized or not,

can’t tell you.

Not enough information.

Not gonna be drawn
into that at this juncture.

Why? ’Cause I’ve got
responsibility.

President.
119 days in the White House.

Still lots to do.
Lots of work done.

Repainting, floor sanded,
you betcha.

Polyurethane,
defective wiring replaced.

Dan Quayle still
gaining acceptance.

Bush family dogs
happy.

Yes, sir,
good story on it.

Cover of Lifemagazine.

Bar there
right on that cover.

President’s dog,
gotta be a happy life.

Crime in the streets
of America.

Thugs and punks
ruling our neighborhoods.

It’s bad.
It’s bad.

There are those who say

I should go out
on those streets,

see the problem first-hand.

Not gonna do it.

Not going up to Harlem
alone late at night.

Wouldn’t be prudent.

You know, the Coast Guard
down there,

doing what they do,
guarding the coast.

The entire coast guarded.

Once again, that breeze
of democracy,

blowing around
like it does,

going round and round,
swirling out there,

going right across
that ocean

out over there
to Panama.

That’s right, Panama,
and that thug Mr. Noriega.

I know all about
General Manuel Noriega.

Knew the man
when I was down there

as part of that
Reagan-Bush team.

Never talked to him,
never met him, no sir,

just watched him
from a distance,

spied on him,
always behind him,

lurking around
behind some shrubbery,

crouching down.

Never met the man
face to face.

You know, never part
of any drugs for weapons deal.

Wouldn’t be prudent.

So, to sum up,
breeze, White House,

China, Bar
and the dog, good.

Thugs, crime,
acid rain, bad.

Noriega, don’t know him.

Now they’re trying
to drag me

into that "live from
New York" thing,

that old deal they got
every week down there.

I’m not gonna do it,
not gonna go out there

and say "Live from New York,
it’s Saturday night!"

ANNOUNCER:
It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey,
Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,
Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown

Al Franken, Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday
Night Live band...

musical guest Tom Petty
and the Heartbreakers...

and starring
Steve Martin!

*

ANNOUNCER: Candelabra Music
is proud to present

Miss Tammy Wynette
in the album of her career,

Tammy Wynette
Sings The Classics!

* Stand by your man *

* Stand by your man,
Oh-ho-oh *

* Stand by your man *

Yes, the rich voice of country
music’s greatest singer,

bringing the treasure of music
into your home or trailer!

* Stand by your man *

* By your man *

* Stand by your man,
by your man *

* Stand by your man,
by your man *

* Stand by your man
Stand by your man *

* Oh, stand
by your man, girl *

( "Piano Sonata In ’C’"
by Mozart )

* Stand by your ma-a-an *

* Stand by your ma-a-an *

* Stand... by... *

* Your... man... *

( piano playing octaves )

* Stand by your man *

* Stand by your man *

* Stand by your man,
stand by your man,
stand by your man *

* Stand by your man,
stand by your man,
stand by your man *

Just imagine 50 of the world’s
most beloved musical selections

pushed through the nose
of the queen of country music!

( ala flamenco ) * Stand by,
stand by your man *

* Stand by your man *

Order now, and you’ll also
receive free this second album,

Boots Randolph’s
Yakkity Bartok!

* Stand by... *
Here’s how to order.

Send $19.95, check
or money order, to...

Operators are standing by.

* Stand by,
stand by, stand by *

* Stand by your man
Whoo *

* Toonces the Driving Cat *

* The cat
who could drive a car *

* He drives around
all over the town *

* Toonces
the Driving Cat *

Honey, you
won’t believe it!

Toonces can
drive a car!

Toonces our cat?

Yeah, come on!
I’ll show you.

MAN: What a perfect day
for a drive.

WOMAN: Isn’t
that pretty!

It’s a fantastic day!

Yeah.

See, I told you
he could drive!

Toonces,
look out! Aaah!

Oh! Ooh!

I thought you said
he could drive.

Well, I thought
he could.

I saw him up there
fooling around

with the steering
wheel, and I...

I guess I just assumed
he could drive.

It’s okay, honey,
anybody would think that.

Hey, look!
He’s driving away.

I guess
he can drive.

Yeah, just not
very well.

* He drives around all
over the town *

* Toonces
the Driving Cat *

Next on...

Do you think Toonces
will pass his driving test?

I don’t know,
that written part
is pretty hard,

and he can’t
even read.

Maybe he’ll
make up for it
on the driving part.

Damn, I wish
I could help him.

All right, sir,
if you’ll just go ahead

and pull out
into traffic.

Look out!

Aaaah!

* Toonces the driving cat *

How does he
reach the pedals?

When a man meets
the woman he loves,

everything changes.

His heart races,
his head spins,

and, suddenly,
all the dozens

and dozens of women
he’s sleeping with

no longer matter.

A few years ago,
I found the woman I love,

and I’ve put
some of my feelings

into this little ode.

Every man needs a woman,
and I need you

to lift me
when I’m sad,

to comfort me
when I’m down,

to clean me
when I am drunk,

to walk beside me

when I want to look
like I’m not gay...

to walk in front of me
when I need someone

to act
as a human windbreak,

to kiss me
when I am horny,

to massage me
when I am tense and/or horny,

to make me horny
when I am not horny,

and then to watch me
fall asleep.

I need you, darling,
to clean between my toes

when they are not clean
to my satisfaction,

to pick the nits
out of my hair

when I have head lice,

to try milk for me

when I am not sure
of the expiration date...

to be there
when I need you to be there

and to be out of town
the rest of the time.

My darling, although
it may seem sentimental,

I want to take this moment
to tell you I love you

because I don’t want to lose
half my stuff.

And even though you are
far away across the ocean,

I always have this
to remind -- sorry.

Ahem.

Goodnight, my love.

And now, "Weekend Update"

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you, good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Martial law was declared
in Beijing, China, today,

as students continued
to demonstrate

and the government blacked out
all TV news broadcasts.

Fortunately, "Weekend Update"
will continue to receive

reports from our man
in Beijing, Murray Lang Tong,

the unknown correspondent.

All week, the White House
has been criticized

for their lack of response

to the Chinese student
rebellion for democracy.

Finally, today
"Weekend Update" has learned

that President Bush
is going to help out
the Beijing government

by sending over
the Ohio National Guard.

They ought to be able
to clear that square

in about 20 minutes, huh?

It was revealed this week
that the United States

is attempting
to find a country

that would be willing
to take Panamanian general

Manual Antonio Noriega
if he eventually agrees

to give up power.

Rumor has
it that the countries

have been whittled down
to two European principalities,

Scumheadville
and Geekilvania.

Philippine president
Cory Aquino yesterday

refused to allow
alien Ferdinand Marcos

to return home to die.

In Honolulu,
Imelda Marcos broadcast

an impassioned woman-
to-woman appeal to Aquino,

saying she desperately needs
the closet space.

After hours
of bitter wrangling,

the Palestine
Liberation Organization

last week was defeated
in its divisive bid

to gain full membership
in the World Health
Organization.

On an even more somber note,
the PLO was also turned down

for membership in Telly
Savalas’s Player’s Club.

The Vatican this week
condemned

the spread of violence
in current popular culture,

singling out kung-fu films
on television.

In a prepared statement,
the Pope said...

Kung-fu films
are a bane to our society,

and they must be
done away with.

Uh, furthermore...

Speaks in encyclical.

Lyme disease is Newsweek’s
cover story this week.

It’s a mysterious illness
you get from ticks,

so you might
not want to rent

any Montgomery Cliff films
this summer.

And now,
for our final time this summer,

it’s our senior correspondent
A. Whitney Brown

with the big picture.

Whitney, welcome.

Thank you, Dennis,
nice to be here.

Tonight I’d like to take
a moment to address

the New York City high school
graduating class of 1989,

that elite 52% of students
that made it through the system.

Congratulations.

You all worked hard
for your diplomas,

and it’s too bad more of you
won’t be able to read them.

But it was your bad luck
to go through school

before the "education president"
was elected.

Still, if you didn’t get much
out of our shabby,

run-down, under-financed
old school system,

maybe you’ll do
a bit better

in our brand-new
billion-dollar prison program.

Either way, you can be sure
the "education president"

feels bad that so many of you
are functionally illiterate...

not as bad as he’d feel
if you had an abortion,

but still pretty bad.

But even still, some of you
will be going to college,

and the good news is
there’s plenty of summer jobs.

If you don’t mind getting
your hands dirty,

Exxon has
a few openings in Alaska.

We have a lot
to be thankful for.

We’re at peace, so none
of you are gonna have

to go off and fight in some
foreign jungle somewhere,

even though I’m sure
there’s a lot

of red-blooded studs
out there

that are dying to kick
some butt in Panama...

so long
as nobody asked you

to name the oceans
on either side of it.

But that’s okay,
because there’s a lesson

to be learned from Panama,
and that is

that when one of your friends
gets into drugs,

like President Bush’s friend
General Noriega,

that friendship has to end
the second you find out...

that anyone else
knows about it.

Because drugs
are insidious.

You might think,
"I’m not an addict.

I’m just selling cocaine
to buy guns for the Contras."

But people can be
very cruel to drug dealers,

and that raises
the question,

"What are we gonna do
about Noriega?"

Bush can’t oust him.

The Panamanians don’t seem
to be able to throw him out.

Who can get him out?

Well, you can,
my friends,

the young people
of America,

the hope
of our future,

because you can hit him
where it really hurts.

And that’s why tonight

I’m calling
for a nationwide crack boycott

in every high school
and junior high

in this great land.

Don’t do it,
don’t buy it,

don’t even sell it.

And as for you
elementary school kids,

you can help too
by not acting as lookouts.

Come on, now,
you can do it for democracy.

Give it a try.
Thank you very much.

Good try, man.

That was real good.

Thank you.
Whitney Brown.

According
to a recent study

done in the nation’s
grade schools and high schools,

the most admired women
in the world

in descending order are:

number five,
Pakistanian prime minister
Benazir Bhutto;

number four,
British prime minister
Margaret Thatcher;

number three,
former First Lady
Nancy Reagan;

number two,
current First Lady
Barbara Bush;

and the number-one
most-admired woman
in the world,

the woman
in the white bikini top

in a Jordache Jeans
commercial.

Andy Warhol’s
Shot Red Marilyn,

the vibrantly colored painting
of Marilyn Monroe,

fetched a record $4 million
on Wednesday

at London Sotheby
Auction House.

Some of
his lesser works, however,

including Dyed-Blue
Florence Henderson

and Fierce Green
Jamie Farr

were only able to nab
$1500 apiece.

Do you know how personally
ungrounded I feel

living in a world
where Ricky Schroeder

has changed
his name to Rick?

An Atlanta resident
has accused actor Rob Lowe

of making sexual videotapes
with a minor female.

I don’t know,
I think he just did this

to divert our attention away
from that Oscar thing, huh?

But we must
never forget! Never!

Attica!
Attica! Attica!

Nancy Reagan’s memoirs are set
for October publication.

The former First Lady
has turned over

her manuscript of a book
to be called My Turn

to her publisher,
Random House,

and the initial printing
will be 350,000 copies.

Former president
Ronald Reagan

is always working
on his memoirs,

and the 3x5 index card

is expected
to be published in 1991.

You know, every time
I get frightened

about having to go
to a doctor here in America,

I just grab myself,
slap myself around,

and remind myself
of the primitive state of...

Spanish proctology.

Yeah. Oh, wait.
There you go.

NBC’s Miami Vicehas
its final episode

tomorrow
from 9 to 11 p.m.,

and if
at precisely 11:01,

the Earth seems to be rotating
a little faster,

you’ll know
that Phillip Michael Thomas

has just dropped off
the face of the planet.

And the city council
of Nashville, Tennessee,

this week shot down a bill
calling for the construction

of a UFO landing pad
in their city.

Pretty good PR
for these people, huh?

You know, I’ve never been
to Nashville before,

but I believe years ago
I had relatives

who lived there and worked
in the sequin mines.

You know...

And, in another case
of advertising censorship,

NBC had difficulty
finding replacement sponsors

on Monday’s Roe v. Wade,

the controversial
TV movie regarding

the Supreme Court’s
decision on abortion.

Saturday Night Live
has had advertisers

pull their ads
because of a sketch

mentioning
the word "penis."

I suppose
some advertisers find

these subject matters
objectionable.

Well, I, for one,
find the subject matter

of some of these advertisers
objectionable,

like the family
on vacation in Europe

with a nasty case
of diarrhea all week,

or the daughter
who spends the afternoon

talking douche
with her old lady.

Hey, everybody has something
they don’t like,

and you don’t see me
talking boycott, do you?

Guess what, folks,
that’s the season,

and I am out.

ANNOUNCER:
Lighting up your day,

it’s the Smokers
Cable Network,

with news, information,
( coughs )

and entertainment
for people who like to smoke.

Now, with the news
from our SCN headquarters

in Raleigh, North Carolina,

Skip Marlowe
and Tina Lowtar.

Good evening,
I’m Skip Marlowe.

And I’m
Tina Lowtar.

You give us the time it takes
to smoke one cigarette...

...and we’ll give
you the world.

The American Tobacco Company

announced plans today
to buy Eastern Airlines

and turn it
into an all-smokers airline.

A spokesman
for the company said

that smoking will be permitted
at all times,

even during takeoffs
and landings,

and will be allowed
in the aisles
and the lavatories.

Wow, the lavatories!

That’s right, Skip.

They’re gonna have
ashtrays absolutely
everywhere.

- Isn’t that great?
- Mm!

Well, in China this week,
millions took to the streets

in support
of hunger-striking students.

The hunger strikers
went seven days without food

and kept their strength up
by smoking.

Two new cigarettes out:
Pall Mall filters and Capri.

With a review,
SCN’s own Thelma Flemington!

Thelma?

Skip. As you know,
I just love Pall Malls,

the flagship
of the American Tobacco Company,

and they’re the top
of anyone’s list

when you think of a real
classic American cigarette --

rich, deep, mellow,
real lung candy.

So, when I heard
about Pall Mall filters,

I was really excited.

But I was disappointed
because the filter

gives the smoke
an almost mentholated taste.

So, Pall Mall filters
I give 2 1/2 butts.

On the other hand,

Brown & Williamson
has introduced

a new cigarette, Capri,

obviously aimed
at women smokers.

The sleek, arty pack --
it’s almost patronizing.

Anyway, you open them up,
pull one out...

and look.
Can you believe this?

It’s about half the diameter
of a Gauloises

and smells like one of those
low-tar cardboard brands.

When you light it up...

you know,
it’s got taste, real kick.

So, I don’t know
if you want to be seen

in public with one of these
in your mouth,

but if you do,
you’ll be smiling,

because I give Capri
3 1/2 butts.

Of course, I’m gonna stick
with my Camel straights. Tina?

Thank you, Thelma.

And I’m gonna stick
with my Kents.

And now with the SCN
business brief,

Chuck Upjohn! Chuck!

( rasping )
R.J. Reynolds up two.

American Brand down one.

Thank you, Chuck, it’s good
to have you back with us.

Thank you.

The demonstrations in China
may well mark

the beginning of a new era
in that nation’s history.

Here with a commentary
on the new face of Communism

is SCN anchorman emeritus
Walter Luckfield. Walter?

( hacking )
Thank you.

Thank you... Skip.

From Warsaw, Poland,
to East...

( coughing )

...everywhere
in the Soviet...

Union today --
Eh. Eh.

Well. Boy,
that’s too bad.

That’s the third time

he’s tried to get
that commentary out.

Well, that’s it
for SCN News,

but before we sign off

we’d like to say good-bye
to our director.

Our director,
Joe Kernan,

who died last week
of a heart attack.

That was a good man,
a good friend and family man.

He was 49
and smoked Luckys,

Lucky filters,
and finally Vantage 100s.

This is Skip Marlow.

And Tina Lowtar
saying stay tuned

for the Virginia
Slims tennis match.

Followed by
the Cool Jazz Festival.

Good night.

Hi. Have you noticed
how good I’ve looked tonight?

Well, it’s no accident.

I have simply discovered
that I have a good side

and a bad side.
Most leading men do.

Don’t believe me?
Watch.

Beautiful...

interesting looking...

quite plain...

hideous.

Once again, now, that’s...

beautiful...

interesting looking...

quite plain...

hideous.

Let me personify
that for you.

Mel Brooks...

Mel Blanc...

Mel Torme...

Mel Gibson.

As the show continues,
you’ll notice

how the cameraman never,
ever shoots my bad side.

Enjoy.

Hello, I’m Jon Lovitz,

and I’m having lunch
in the Russian Tea Room

with the most beautiful
woman in the world

Paulina!

Well, we can’t
all be me.

But if you’d like
to fulfill your dreams
like I did,

then I have one piece
of advice for you:

get to know me!

When did I
chip my tooth?

Why do I drain
my foot?

Where is
my extra bone?

Get to know me!

Skeptical?
Listen to him!

Hello! Before
I got to know Jon,

I was nothing,
nowhere, nobody!

I was stuck in a room
reading voiceovers

I could barely
understand!

And then, I got
to know him,

and now I get
to be onTV!

And today,
they call me...

Don Pardo!

Get to know me!

Why do I never
wear a hat?

Why was I banned
from Bangkok?

Why do women call
me "The Anchor"?

You stud!

You gorgeous hunk
of male flesh.

Yes!

Uh, a little lower
and to the left.

Get to know me!

Still wondering
if you should?

Then listen to him!

Before I got
to know Jon,

I was nothing,
nowhere, nobody!

I couldn’t get a job
to save my life!

And then
I got to know him

and today they
call me Lee Iacocca!

Get to know him!

And buy a Chrysler.

It works, I tell you,
it works!

Get out, I tell you,
get out!

Get to know me!

Why do whales
speak to me?

Do I shave my eyebrows
in the middle?

Get to know me!

And now,
a final testimonial

from a man who
speaks the truth!

Before I got
to know Jon,

I was nothing,
nowhere, a nobody!

I was a two-bit comic
with an arrow stuck
through my head!

And then, I got to know him,

and now I’ve just starred
in a movie called Parenthood,

directed by Opie!

And today they call me
Steve Martin!

Thank you.

Thank you!

It’s true,
I tell you,
it’s true!

Buy a Chrysler.

He’s a stud!

I might do a movie
directed by Potsie!

I’m on TV!

Get to know me!

I want to thank
all my guests,

the most beautiful woman
in the world, Jon Lovitz,

Paulina,
Timothy Busfield,

and Tom Petty
and the Heartbreakers.

Thank you very much.

We really had fun
doing the show,

and we’ll see you
all next season!