Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Now from the White House,

the President of the United States.

Good evening.

Wanna thank the networks for granting me this time

to talk about a place halfway around the world.

I’m talking about China,

where a wind is blowing, excuse me,

excuse me -- a breeze.

Can’t call it a wind.

Not enough information.

A breeze of democracy in China.

You know, Bar and I spent some time in China

and one thing about the the Chinese people,

well, they’re good. Good people.

China gonna become democratized or not,

can’t tell you.

Not enough information.

Not gonna be drawn into that at this juncture.

Why? ’Cause I’ve got responsibility.

President. 119 days in the White House.

Still lots to do. Lots of work done.

Repainting, floor sanded, you betcha.

Polyurethane, defective wiring replaced.

Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance.

Bush family dogs happy.

Yes, sir, good story on it.

Cover of Lifemagazine.

Bar there right on that cover.

President’s dog, gotta be a happy life.

Crime in the streets of America.

Thugs and punks ruling our neighborhoods.

It’s bad. It’s bad.

There are those who say

I should go out on those streets,

see the problem first-hand.

Not gonna do it.

Not going up to Harlem alone late at night.

Wouldn’t be prudent.

You know, the Coast Guard down there,

doing what they do, guarding the coast.

The entire coast guarded.

Once again, that breeze of democracy,

blowing around like it does,

going round and round, swirling out there,

going right across that ocean

out over there to Panama.

That’s right, Panama, and that thug Mr. Noriega.

I know all about General Manuel Noriega.

Knew the man when I was down there

as part of that Reagan-Bush team.

Never talked to him, never met him, no sir,

just watched him from a distance,

spied on him, always behind him,

lurking around behind some shrubbery,

crouching down.

Never met the man face to face.

You know, never part of any drugs for weapons deal.

Wouldn’t be prudent.

So, to sum up, breeze, White House,

China, Bar and the dog, good.

Thugs, crime, acid rain, bad.

Noriega, don’t know him.

Now they’re trying to drag me

into that "live from New York" thing,

that old deal they got every week down there.

I’m not gonna do it, not gonna go out there

and say "Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!"

ANNOUNCER: It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey, Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown

Al Franken, Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live band...

musical guest Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers...

and starring Steve Martin!

*

ANNOUNCER: Candelabra Music is proud to present

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* Stand by your man *

* Stand by your man, Oh-ho-oh *

* Stand by your man *

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bringing the treasure of music into your home or trailer!

* Stand by your man *

* By your man *

* Stand by your man, by your man *

* Stand by your man, by your man *

* Stand by your man Stand by your man *

* Oh, stand by your man, girl *

( "Piano Sonata In ’C’" by Mozart )

* Stand by your ma-a-an *

* Stand by your ma-a-an *

* Stand... by... *

* Your... man... *

( piano playing octaves )

* Stand by your man *

* Stand by your man *

* Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man *

* Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man *

Just imagine 50 of the world’s most beloved musical selections

pushed through the nose of the queen of country music!

( ala flamenco ) * Stand by, stand by your man *

* Stand by your man *

Order now, and you’ll also receive free this second album,

Boots Randolph’s Yakkity Bartok!

* Stand by... * Here’s how to order.

Send $19.95, check or money order, to...

Operators are standing by.

* Stand by, stand by, stand by *

* Stand by your man Whoo *

* Toonces the Driving Cat *

* The cat who could drive a car *

* He drives around all over the town *

* Toonces the Driving Cat *

Honey, you won’t believe it!

Toonces can drive a car!

Toonces our cat?

Yeah, come on! I’ll show you.

MAN: What a perfect day for a drive.

WOMAN: Isn’t that pretty!

It’s a fantastic day!

Yeah.

See, I told you he could drive!

Toonces, look out! Aaah!

Oh! Ooh!

I thought you said he could drive.

Well, I thought he could.

I saw him up there fooling around

with the steering wheel, and I...

I guess I just assumed he could drive.

It’s okay, honey, anybody would think that.

Hey, look! He’s driving away.

I guess he can drive.

Yeah, just not very well.

* He drives around all over the town *

* Toonces the Driving Cat *

Next on...

Do you think Toonces will pass his driving test?

I don’t know, that written part is pretty hard,

and he can’t even read.

Maybe he’ll make up for it on the driving part.

Damn, I wish I could help him.

All right, sir, if you’ll just go ahead

and pull out into traffic.

Look out!

Aaaah!

* Toonces the driving cat *

How does he reach the pedals?

When a man meets the woman he loves,

everything changes.

His heart races, his head spins,

and, suddenly, all the dozens

and dozens of women he’s sleeping with

no longer matter.

A few years ago, I found the woman I love,

and I’ve put some of my feelings

into this little ode.

Every man needs a woman, and I need you

to lift me when I’m sad,

to comfort me when I’m down,

to clean me when I am drunk,

to walk beside me

when I want to look like I’m not gay...

to walk in front of me when I need someone

to act as a human windbreak,

to kiss me when I am horny,

to massage me when I am tense and/or horny,

to make me horny when I am not horny,

and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you, darling, to clean between my toes

when they are not clean to my satisfaction,

to pick the nits out of my hair

when I have head lice,

to try milk for me

when I am not sure of the expiration date...

to be there when I need you to be there

and to be out of town the rest of the time.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental,

I want to take this moment to tell you I love you

because I don’t want to lose half my stuff.

And even though you are far away across the ocean,

I always have this to remind -- sorry.

Ahem.

Goodnight, my love.

And now, "Weekend Update"

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

Martial law was declared in Beijing, China, today,

as students continued to demonstrate

and the government blacked out all TV news broadcasts.

Fortunately, "Weekend Update" will continue to receive

reports from our man in Beijing, Murray Lang Tong,

the unknown correspondent.

All week, the White House has been criticized

for their lack of response

to the Chinese student rebellion for democracy.

Finally, today "Weekend Update" has learned

that President Bush is going to help out the Beijing government

by sending over the Ohio National Guard.

They ought to be able to clear that square

in about 20 minutes, huh?

It was revealed this week that the United States

is attempting to find a country

that would be willing to take Panamanian general

Manual Antonio Noriega if he eventually agrees

to give up power.

Rumor has it that the countries

have been whittled down to two European principalities,

Scumheadville and Geekilvania.

Philippine president Cory Aquino yesterday

refused to allow alien Ferdinand Marcos

to return home to die.

In Honolulu, Imelda Marcos broadcast

an impassioned woman- to-woman appeal to Aquino,

saying she desperately needs the closet space.

After hours of bitter wrangling,

the Palestine Liberation Organization

last week was defeated in its divisive bid

to gain full membership in the World Health Organization.

On an even more somber note, the PLO was also turned down

for membership in Telly Savalas’s Player’s Club.

The Vatican this week condemned

the spread of violence in current popular culture,

singling out kung-fu films on television.

In a prepared statement, the Pope said...

Kung-fu films are a bane to our society,

and they must be done away with.

Uh, furthermore...

Speaks in encyclical.

Lyme disease is Newsweek’s cover story this week.

It’s a mysterious illness you get from ticks,

so you might not want to rent

any Montgomery Cliff films this summer.

And now, for our final time this summer,

it’s our senior correspondent A. Whitney Brown

with the big picture.

Whitney, welcome.

Thank you, Dennis, nice to be here.

Tonight I’d like to take a moment to address

the New York City high school graduating class of 1989,

that elite 52% of students that made it through the system.

Congratulations.

You all worked hard for your diplomas,

and it’s too bad more of you won’t be able to read them.

But it was your bad luck to go through school

before the "education president" was elected.

Still, if you didn’t get much out of our shabby,

run-down, under-financed old school system,

maybe you’ll do a bit better

in our brand-new billion-dollar prison program.

Either way, you can be sure the "education president"

feels bad that so many of you are functionally illiterate...

not as bad as he’d feel if you had an abortion,

but still pretty bad.

But even still, some of you will be going to college,

and the good news is there’s plenty of summer jobs.

If you don’t mind getting your hands dirty,

Exxon has a few openings in Alaska.

We have a lot to be thankful for.

We’re at peace, so none of you are gonna have

to go off and fight in some foreign jungle somewhere,

even though I’m sure there’s a lot

of red-blooded studs out there

that are dying to kick some butt in Panama...

so long as nobody asked you

to name the oceans on either side of it.

But that’s okay, because there’s a lesson

to be learned from Panama, and that is

that when one of your friends gets into drugs,

like President Bush’s friend General Noriega,

that friendship has to end the second you find out...

that anyone else knows about it.

Because drugs are insidious.

You might think, "I’m not an addict.

I’m just selling cocaine to buy guns for the Contras."

But people can be very cruel to drug dealers,

and that raises the question,

"What are we gonna do about Noriega?"

Bush can’t oust him.

The Panamanians don’t seem to be able to throw him out.

Who can get him out?

Well, you can, my friends,

the young people of America,

the hope of our future,

because you can hit him where it really hurts.

And that’s why tonight

I’m calling for a nationwide crack boycott

in every high school and junior high

in this great land.

Don’t do it, don’t buy it,

don’t even sell it.

And as for you elementary school kids,

you can help too by not acting as lookouts.

Come on, now, you can do it for democracy.

Give it a try. Thank you very much.

Good try, man.

That was real good.

Thank you. Whitney Brown.

According to a recent study

done in the nation’s grade schools and high schools,

the most admired women in the world

in descending order are:

number five, Pakistanian prime minister Benazir Bhutto;

number four, British prime minister Margaret Thatcher;

number three, former First Lady Nancy Reagan;

number two, current First Lady Barbara Bush;

and the number-one most-admired woman in the world,

the woman in the white bikini top

in a Jordache Jeans commercial.

Andy Warhol’s Shot Red Marilyn,

the vibrantly colored painting of Marilyn Monroe,

fetched a record $4 million on Wednesday

at London Sotheby Auction House.

Some of his lesser works, however,

including Dyed-Blue Florence Henderson

and Fierce Green Jamie Farr

were only able to nab $1500 apiece.

Do you know how personally ungrounded I feel

living in a world where Ricky Schroeder

has changed his name to Rick?

An Atlanta resident has accused actor Rob Lowe

of making sexual videotapes with a minor female.

I don’t know, I think he just did this

to divert our attention away from that Oscar thing, huh?

But we must never forget! Never!

Attica! Attica! Attica!

Nancy Reagan’s memoirs are set for October publication.

The former First Lady has turned over

her manuscript of a book to be called My Turn

to her publisher, Random House,

and the initial printing will be 350,000 copies.

Former president Ronald Reagan

is always working on his memoirs,

and the 3x5 index card

is expected to be published in 1991.

You know, every time I get frightened

about having to go to a doctor here in America,

I just grab myself, slap myself around,

and remind myself of the primitive state of...

Spanish proctology.

Yeah. Oh, wait. There you go.

NBC’s Miami Vicehas its final episode

tomorrow from 9 to 11 p.m.,

and if at precisely 11:01,

the Earth seems to be rotating a little faster,

you’ll know that Phillip Michael Thomas

has just dropped off the face of the planet.

And the city council of Nashville, Tennessee,

this week shot down a bill calling for the construction

of a UFO landing pad in their city.

Pretty good PR for these people, huh?

You know, I’ve never been to Nashville before,

but I believe years ago I had relatives

who lived there and worked in the sequin mines.

You know...

And, in another case of advertising censorship,

NBC had difficulty finding replacement sponsors

on Monday’s Roe v. Wade,

the controversial TV movie regarding

the Supreme Court’s decision on abortion.

Saturday Night Live has had advertisers

pull their ads because of a sketch

mentioning the word "penis."

I suppose some advertisers find

these subject matters objectionable.

Well, I, for one, find the subject matter

of some of these advertisers objectionable,

like the family on vacation in Europe

with a nasty case of diarrhea all week,

or the daughter who spends the afternoon

talking douche with her old lady.

Hey, everybody has something they don’t like,

and you don’t see me talking boycott, do you?

Guess what, folks, that’s the season,

and I am out.

ANNOUNCER: Lighting up your day,

it’s the Smokers Cable Network,

with news, information, ( coughs )

and entertainment for people who like to smoke.

Now, with the news from our SCN headquarters

in Raleigh, North Carolina,

Skip Marlowe and Tina Lowtar.

Good evening, I’m Skip Marlowe.

And I’m Tina Lowtar.

You give us the time it takes to smoke one cigarette...

...and we’ll give you the world.

The American Tobacco Company

announced plans today to buy Eastern Airlines

and turn it into an all-smokers airline.

A spokesman for the company said

that smoking will be permitted at all times,

even during takeoffs and landings,

and will be allowed in the aisles and the lavatories.

Wow, the lavatories!

That’s right, Skip.

They’re gonna have ashtrays absolutely everywhere.

- Isn’t that great? - Mm!

Well, in China this week, millions took to the streets

in support of hunger-striking students.

The hunger strikers went seven days without food

and kept their strength up by smoking.

Two new cigarettes out: Pall Mall filters and Capri.

With a review, SCN’s own Thelma Flemington!

Thelma?

Skip. As you know, I just love Pall Malls,

the flagship of the American Tobacco Company,

and they’re the top of anyone’s list

when you think of a real classic American cigarette --

rich, deep, mellow, real lung candy.

So, when I heard about Pall Mall filters,

I was really excited.

But I was disappointed because the filter

gives the smoke an almost mentholated taste.

So, Pall Mall filters I give 2 1/2 butts.

On the other hand,

Brown & Williamson has introduced

a new cigarette, Capri,

obviously aimed at women smokers.

The sleek, arty pack -- it’s almost patronizing.

Anyway, you open them up, pull one out...

and look. Can you believe this?

It’s about half the diameter of a Gauloises

and smells like one of those low-tar cardboard brands.

When you light it up...

you know, it’s got taste, real kick.

So, I don’t know if you want to be seen

in public with one of these in your mouth,

but if you do, you’ll be smiling,

because I give Capri 3 1/2 butts.

Of course, I’m gonna stick with my Camel straights. Tina?

Thank you, Thelma.

And I’m gonna stick with my Kents.

And now with the SCN business brief,

Chuck Upjohn! Chuck!

( rasping ) R.J. Reynolds up two.

American Brand down one.

Thank you, Chuck, it’s good to have you back with us.

Thank you.

The demonstrations in China may well mark

the beginning of a new era in that nation’s history.

Here with a commentary on the new face of Communism

is SCN anchorman emeritus Walter Luckfield. Walter?

( hacking ) Thank you.

Thank you... Skip.

From Warsaw, Poland, to East...

( coughing )

...everywhere in the Soviet...

Union today -- Eh. Eh.

Well. Boy, that’s too bad.

That’s the third time

he’s tried to get that commentary out.

Well, that’s it for SCN News,

but before we sign off

we’d like to say good-bye to our director.

Our director, Joe Kernan,

who died last week of a heart attack.

That was a good man, a good friend and family man.

He was 49 and smoked Luckys,

Lucky filters, and finally Vantage 100s.

This is Skip Marlow.

And Tina Lowtar saying stay tuned

for the Virginia Slims tennis match.

Followed by the Cool Jazz Festival.

Good night.

Hi. Have you noticed how good I’ve looked tonight?

Well, it’s no accident.

I have simply discovered that I have a good side

and a bad side. Most leading men do.

Don’t believe me? Watch.

Beautiful...

interesting looking...

quite plain...

hideous.

Once again, now, that’s...

beautiful...

interesting looking...

quite plain...

hideous.

Let me personify that for you.

Mel Brooks...

Mel Blanc...

Mel Torme...

Mel Gibson.

As the show continues, you’ll notice

how the cameraman never, ever shoots my bad side.

Enjoy.

Hello, I’m Jon Lovitz,

and I’m having lunch in the Russian Tea Room

with the most beautiful woman in the world

Paulina!

Well, we can’t all be me.

But if you’d like to fulfill your dreams like I did,

then I have one piece of advice for you:

get to know me!

When did I chip my tooth?

Why do I drain my foot?

Where is my extra bone?

Get to know me!

Skeptical? Listen to him!

Hello! Before I got to know Jon,

I was nothing, nowhere, nobody!

I was stuck in a room reading voiceovers

I could barely understand!

And then, I got to know him,

and now I get to be onTV!

And today, they call me...

Don Pardo!

Get to know me!

Why do I never wear a hat?

Why was I banned from Bangkok?

Why do women call me "The Anchor"?

You stud!

You gorgeous hunk of male flesh.

Yes!

Uh, a little lower and to the left.

Get to know me!

Still wondering if you should?

Then listen to him!

Before I got to know Jon,

I was nothing, nowhere, nobody!

I couldn’t get a job to save my life!

And then I got to know him

and today they call me Lee Iacocca!

Get to know him!

And buy a Chrysler.

It works, I tell you, it works!

Get out, I tell you, get out!

Get to know me!

Why do whales speak to me?

Do I shave my eyebrows in the middle?

Get to know me!

And now, a final testimonial

from a man who speaks the truth!

Before I got to know Jon,

I was nothing, nowhere, a nobody!

I was a two-bit comic with an arrow stuck through my head!

And then, I got to know him,

and now I’ve just starred in a movie called Parenthood,

directed by Opie!

And today they call me Steve Martin!

Thank you.

Thank you!

It’s true, I tell you, it’s true!

Buy a Chrysler.

He’s a stud!

I might do a movie directed by Potsie!

I’m on TV!

Get to know me!

I want to thank all my guests,

the most beautiful woman in the world, Jon Lovitz,

Paulina, Timothy Busfield,

and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Thank you very much.

We really had fun doing the show,

and we’ll see you all next season!