Original subtitles

Okay, everyone, as soon as you are finished voting,

drop your ballots in this box, eh?

That’s right. Bueno. Bueno.

Right this way. Sí. Sí.

Vote here. Vote here.

That’s right. That’s right.

Take your time. No rush. No rush.

Choose the best candidate.

Hi, everybody. Hi, everybody.

How y’all doing? How y’all doing?

I’m just stopping by,

making sure everything’s in order.

Just, uh, hitting every polling place,

making sure, everybody.

Just go on with your business.

Just act like I’m not even here.

How you doin’? You look very nice.

How are you?

Just making sure -- How you doin’?

-- the democratic process is being protected.

It’s our sacred duty, so don’t mind me.

I smell chicken.

Uh, excuse me! Excuse me!

What is going on down here?

This is highly irregular.

Will someone explain this to me, please?

- Pipe down! - I will not pipe down!

You are using ballots to cook chicken.

Well, don’t you know who I am?

Yeah, yeah, you’re Carter,

the big failure from the ’70s.

Señor Malaise.

Yeah, the hostage crisis.

( laughing )

I can’t permit you to do this.

What are you going to do, boycott our Olympics?

El hombre attacko el conejo.

Oh!

What’d he say? What’d he say?

He call you the man the rabbit attacked.

Listen, I am an official observer

sent by the President of the United States,

and I have a note here.

I have a note here, I’ll have you know,

signed by George Bush,

and it gives me the power to observe and report

anything I see down here, anything --

Give me that back! Come on, now, give me that back!

That’s mine! The president...

Come on, now! I don’t like this.

That’s it! That’s it!

All right, all right, you’ve done it.

You’ve done it. Okay, I’ll write your name down.

I’ll write your name down. I see right there

on your nametag, Rosario.

I’m gonna get my government behind me

and make sure that you are tried for election fraud

and see that you, my friend,

are in prison right now and right here.

( cocks rifle )

Yeah, well, I -- I have an appointment.

I’ll just, uh, I’ll keep in touch.

- ( scuffling ) - No, no, no! Hey, I didn’t mean it!

Oh, ho, hey! Easy now! Come on, now, don’t do that!

Don’t do that! Oh, hey, hey!

Oh, please! Please don’t make me go --

Oh! Ooh, hey, don’t do that!

Whoa! Whoa!

Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

ANNOUNCER: It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey, Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Al Franken,

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live band...

musical guest Fine Young Cannibals...

and starring Wayne Gretzsky!

Ladies and gentlemen, Wayne Gretzsky!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

It’s great to be here.

But, you know, before we begin,

there’s something I better tell you.

I’m not really much of a performer.

I’m not an actor,

I can’t sing,

and I can’t dance.

The fact is I was asked to host the show tonight

basically because I’m a good hockey player.

It’s true.

All right, then.

It’s true. That’s why they asked me.

It was the hockey.

I sort of suspected it for a while,

but then last night one of the producers was drunk,

and he kind of blurted it out.

Well, I wanted to know where I stood,

so I asked the other guys,

"Do you think I have any talent

as a comic actor?"

and they said, "No, Wayne, we don’t,

but we love the way you play hockey."

Now, when I heard that, my first reaction was denial.

"They’re just jealous."

Then, later last night, anger.

I was tricked.

But, finally, early this morning,

anger gave way to acceptance.

I was able to accept the fact

that, as a hockey player, I’m pretty good...

but as an actor, I’m a hockey player.

But that’s okay because there are lots

of other funny actors on the show tonight,

and they’ll be great,

even though if we played hockey,

I’d just cream them.

Anyway, we’ve got Fine Young Cannibals...

so stick around, and we’ll be right back.

Sometimes it seems no matter how hard you scrub,

no matter how hard you clean,

you just can’t rid you home of...

Ohh...

...sewer rats!

Who needs it?

Not you, not anymore, not with Sleepytime Rat Control.

Sleepytime? How does it work?

It’s not a poison; it’s not a trap.

It’s a powerful sedative that puts rats to sleep.

( echoing ) Deep sleep.

Six full hours of sleep.

And a sleeping rat, while admittedly not ideal,

is a whole lot better than a wide-awake rat.

BOTH: Mm-hmm!

So why live with this...

when you can have this?

That’s more like it.

Sleepytime.

You’ll sleep better knowing they’re sleeping.

Sleepytime Rat Control.

For deep sleep.

The following program is brought to you

but a grant from the Chubb Group.

Hello, and welcome to The Anal-Retentive Sportsman.

I’m Gene, and today we’re fishing

in the beautiful waters off of Montauk Point,

and joining me is celebrity sportsman Wayne Gretzky.

Hello, Wayne.

Hello, Gene. Great day to fish, isn’t it?

It’s a perfect day, and what will we

be fishing for today, Wayne?

The Montauk bluefish.

That’s right, so let’s get started, shall we?

Now, if you’re using live bait,

here’s what you’ll need for a day’s fishing:

38 medium shrimp,

eight pounds of mackerel cut into two-ounce cubes,

and two dozen mullet exactly 6 1/4 inches long.

It’s the perfect size for our needs,

so don’t be afraid to take a tape measure

to the bait shop. Now, Wayne,

what do you feel like starting with today?

Let’s go with the mullet, Gene.

I’ve had good luck with that.

All right, so let’s go to our bait caddy,

and we look under "mullet," and here we are.

Thanks, Gene.

Now, do you see what we’ve done here?

I’ve attached a pre-moistened towelette

to the edge of the bait bag

so that when Wayne is through baiting his hook,

he can clean his hands -- there we are.

And then the towelette and the foil packet

can go back into the bag.

We seal it and we file it under "T" for trash.

There. Isn’t that nice?

I think so.

You know, the key to landing a Montauk bluefish

is proper bait organization, but we know that, don’t we?

By the way, Wayne, do you know why they call it

a Montauk bluefish?

Because it’s blue?

That’s right, Wayne!

And, guess what, that’s what I’ve prepared

for our lunch today, a bluefish fillet.

Now, doesn’t this look nice

on a teal or an aubergine plate?

We have our fillet, a trio of lemon wedges,

and a carrot rose. Beautiful.

Hey, Gene, I think I’m getting a nibble.

Whoa, this feels like the big one!

Well, they must be biting,

so let’s get down to business.

Now, I’ll just lean my fishing rod

against our outboard motor cozy --

and isn’t that a nice idea?

We don’t scratch the finish,

and we don’t have to look

at that dirty old motor when it’s not in use.

All right, let’s open our fishing tackle box now.

And how do we organize our tackle box?

Well, we do it from left to right

in alphabetical order according to size

and frequency of use.

Now, I’m opting for an artificial lure

which I made myself.

I built it around this treble-hook-spoon type lure,

and, as you can see, I’ve added

some little trinkets from a charm bracelet here

because fish like shiny things, and don’t we all!

We have a dancing couple here,

and they’re dancing to our little orchestra.

You can see we have an accordion

and a little saxophone and a French horn,

and The Spirit of St. Louis,

which really doesn’t have anything to do with music,

so let’s take that right off.

Whoa, look at this monster!

Gene, get the net! Get the net!

Okay, Wayne has a bite.

There’s the net.

Well, then, it’s time to get out our wax paper...

- Gene! - ...and our masking tape.

- Gene! - Because we don’t want our catch

rubbing up against our cooler, now, do we?

That wouldn’t be very good.

Now, I didn’t bring along the masking tape dispenser...

- Gene! Gene! - ...because we’re roughing it today,

but that’s okay because as you can see,

I fold it over, the tape here,

and that way it’s easy to start time after time.

You know, some people just tear the tape off

without making a tab, and then you have to dig and dig...

ANNOUNCER: This has been...

This has been a pretty strange year for me.

After playing all my life in Canada

where hockey is the national sport,

I was traded to the Los Angeles Kings.

Now, the fans in Los Angeles are real enthusiastic,

but they’re still learning the game.

It’s very different --

not worse, it’s just very different.

- Wayne, Wayne! - Oh, hi, Bruce.

Hey, sorry about the loss, but, you know,

another sellout!

Oh, great.

Listen, Wayne, I know you’re tired,

but we got some big fans who really want to say hi.

You mind?

Gee, I’d really like to kind of leave, Bruce.

It’ll only take a few minutes, Wayne.

- I’d really appreciate it. - Well, okay.

Hey, don’t obsess about this loss!

Come on. Sly? Hey, Sly?

Yeah. Hey.

How you doin’?

Hi.

Hey, Wayne, sorry about the loss tonight,

but you know they say -- no pain, no gain.

Uh-huh.

Well, listen, I hope I’m not being presumptuous or nothing,

but John Travolta and I had some ideas...

that is, if you don’t mind us talking hockey with you.

- Oh, gee, I just -- - Yo, John! Get in here.

It’s all right? Great!

Hey, Wayne! Wayne! Like, how you doing here?

How you doing here? Yeah. This is so great.

This is so great, man, I can’t stand this.

So, like, Sly and I were watching.

It just seems like, you know, that you could skate,

- you know, you could skate... - Faster.

Yeah, faster, you know, very much faster.

You know, like, you could get,

like, three guys just to skate down the ice,

like, super fast, you know.

’Cause, you know, imagine, like, if you were the goalie

and, like, three guys were coming right at you.

It’d be so weird, so weird.

You know, like, three guys coming right at you,

just, like, super fast.

Yeah.

We’re just throwing this out.

Yeah, we’re just, like, giving you the basic idea right now here.

Yeah.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Wayne, I’m Ed Begley, Jr., from St. Elsewhere,

and I just want to congratulate you

- on some super hockey, and... - Thanks.

It’s too bad the way the game turned out.

Just one quick thought.

I just thought that your team should’ve

passed the puck over the blue line a little bit more.

Really? That’s so weird,

’cause I kind of thought they should pass it

- over the red line more. - Yeah, red line. Now beat it!

Oh!

Hey, John, tell him our other idea.

Well, yeah, it’s just, you know, like, okay.

Here, I just put some ideas here.

I don’t even know what I was doing,

but look at here, okay.

It just seems like, you know, the goalie

could use a bigger stick, you know,

a bigger stick, more like a board,

you know, a board that could cover the whole goal.

Then, like, the goalie could, like, be inside the net.

You could get, like, a midget or something in there.

He could, like, hold the board from the inside

and they could shoot all they want,

but there’d be no board there.

They could never score. It’d be impossible.

It’d be, like, really weird.

You know, I’m not a very good drawer, but...

Wayne, Wayne, this is Tina Yothers from Family Ties.

How do you do?

Hey, Tina had a good idea.

Oh, is it okay?

Yes, fine. Yes.

Well, I just thought that, you know,

why don’t you guys make a circle

around the other team’s best player?

Yeah, smart girl!

Yeah, you could, like, all that the Tina Play.

Excuse me, Tina, fellas,

just wanted to say a word to the captain.

Great One, I don’t know much about your country,

and I don’t care much for your sport.

I find it brutal, ungraceful,

and difficult to follow.

But I did happen to catch tonight’s game on the tube,

and I did happen to come up with an idea --

giant board for the goalie.

Little midget holds it up.

Just seems to me that way you got the whole net covered.

Just throwing it out.

Just there for your approval.

Bye, see you all later.

That’s the same idea, same idea.

It’s like we’re E.T. or something here.

SLY: Yeah, it’s spooky.

Wayne, George Hamilton.

Delighted to meet you, delighted.

It was a marvelously entertaining game,

marvelous.

This, of course, is Miss Bette Davis.

Sit down, men, sit down.

Hello, Raymond, how are you?

My name is Wayne.

Well, I know that, but I’m calling you Raymond.

GEORGE: ( laughs ) What a --

At my age, I can call you anything I want!

What a delightful grande dame she is!

Well, Raymond, I’ve just come from a hockey game.

Why must they play in such a miserably cold building?

( laughs ) I have no comment other than encore, more.

And why must the game start so late, Raymond?

You know, looking at you it occurred to me

if I hit you as hard as I could,

your head would probably turn to dust.

It’d be like hitting a mummy’s head.

Excuse me, has anybody seen Howie Mandel?

- HOWIE: What? What? What? - He’s right over --

It’s like, you know, on the power play,

you should’ve, you know, what? What?

You know? What?

Great, thanks.

So, Wayne, you know, Wayne, I was just

thinking while I was standing here,

what if instead of skates, you know, you wore cleats?

Then you wouldn’t have to be so much slipping

and sliding all over the place.

I like it!

I do.

Hello, everyone.

Wayne, I was just watching the game --

Sly, what are you doing here?

Oh, my God, it’s Brigitte!

Hey, I thought we agreed

I go to Kings games,

you go to Laker games.

You can’t tell me which games I could go to!

You really enjoy hurting me.

Oh, man!

Okay, could we have some privacy, please, everybody?

Hey, Wayne. Come on. Come on, Wayne.

They really gotta talk about this.

It’s really important.

Yes, young love must be allowed to blossom!

Bruce, Bruce, could we please go home?

It’ll just be a few more minutes.

Is everybody comfy?

Can I get anybody anything?

I would like a drink.

Here’s a tray.

I would like a drink.

Raymond, are you a Libra?

Walter Huston was a Libra.

He would always remind you of your shortcomings.

ED: Howie?

Now, I should’ve...

( Canadian national anthem playing )

And now, "Weekend Update"

with anchorperson Dennis Miller!

Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell ya?

On Thursday President Bush announced

he was sending 2,000 additional troops

into Panama to protect the lives of American citizens there.

I don’t know, I hope somewhere in that 2,000

there’s a national guard unit from Indiana, huh?

It’d be nice to see Danny guarding a canal

instead of hitting a T-shot over one, right?

Bush said this is part of a two-pronged policy --

one, to ensure a stabilizing presence in Panama,

and, two, to cut off Noriega’s Retin-A

and Minoxidil shipments.

Noriega, seen here

skinny-dipping at a Panamanian beach,

could not be reached for comment.

A group of conservative supporters

is pushing a plan to add Ronald Reagan’s head

to the Mt. Rushmore National Memorial

in South Dakota.

One possible hang-up to the plan

is that artists and mineralogists

are not sure if granite is a dense enough material

to accurately portray the former president’s head.

MYSTICAL VOICE: If you build it, he will come.

*

President Bush was pronounced

in extremely sound physical condition this week

after a routine physical turned up no surprises.

Here we see the president answering reporters

when they asked him which test he liked the least.

MYSTICAL VOICE: If you build it, he will come.

*

What the hell?

Every vice president’s wife

has to take up some meaningful cause,

and Marilyn Quayle has already opted

to work hand-in-hand with the National Park Service.

Some of her touches are already being seen

on some of the wildlife that roam

through our nation’s forests and mountains.

You know, not too long ago,

it was announced that due to an increase...

MYSTICAL VOICE: If you build it, he will come.

*

You know, I graduated from college in 1975.

In 1978, I moved to New York

and tried stand-up comedy for a year.

I went back to Pittsburgh.

I worked in local TV for a couple of years.

I moved to L.A. and eventually I got on Saturday Night Live,

and here I am today, the "Weekend Update" news anchor.

Up until this point, until I heard the voice...

I’d never done anything crazy in my whole life.

But, folks, I gotta build that damn field.

( hammering )

*

( electricity zaps )

You know, what I have just done here

is completely illogical.

Soviet president Mikhail Gorbachev

put political pressure on the United States this week

after announcing yet another unilateral military cut,

this time in short-range nuclear weapons.

President Bush announced that he views Gorbachev’s

latest arms gambit with skepticism,

saying, quote, "He’s just doing it to get chicks."

C. Everett Koop announced he’s resigning as surgeon general

and plans to write his autobiography,

which will be a don’t-kiss- and-tell entitled Koop O.

The surgeon general then said that effective July 13th

he’ll be represented by the William Morris Agency

in the field of literary properties,

broadcasting, lectures, and films.

Koop also announced that as far as medicine goes,

he’ll heretofore be represented

by Reuben Kincaid of The Partridge Family.

The Air Force revealed its new confetti missile.

This weapon will replace the piñata missile

sometime next year.

The rock group The Who this week announced upcoming dates

for their 1989 25th anniversary tour.

The Who, who are getting up there in years,

had to change some of their lyrics.

One specific will now read,

"Hope I die before I get oldest."

You know, my theory is that Morton Downey, Jr.,

always had a swastika on his face;

it’s just the first time we’ve seen him without makeup.

The Venus probe was launched last week

from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida,

and it is expected to take 15 months to reach Venus.

It could’ve gotten there sooner,

but, as you know, all flights out of Florida

have to hook up with a connecting probe at the Atlanta Airport.

And now, with a new "Update" feature

called Al Franken’s New Ideas,

here is Al Franken.

- Hi, Al. - Hi, Dennis, thank you.

Thank you.

You know, uh...

Al, I’m sorry about the ball field.

I hope it doesn’t get in your way.

What -- what ball field?

You don’t see that ball field?

No.

*

Thanks again, Dennis.

You know, Gary Hart ran for president

in 1984 and 1988 on a platform

of new ideas.

Unfortunately, his candidacy self-destructed

when he had one of man’s oldest ideas.

But it’s time for someone

to pick up the mantle of new ideas,

and that person is me, Al Franken.

Tonight, a new idea which addresses

two concerns of mine in the nation:

the high cost of manned space exploration,

and euthanasia,

the right of the individual to die with dignity.

Think of how much NASA spends

trying to take the risk out of manned space flight.

Imagine the savings to NASA and the country

if we could simply hurl terminally-ill volunteers

into space without regard to their safety.

How much of the cost of our manned space vehicles

is spent simply on making sure

that the things get back to Earth?

And what more dignified way to die

than by adding to man’s body of knowledge.

For example, would aluminum foil alone

protect a human being during a spacewalk?

Or...

or would he cook like a baked potato?

And what would that look like?

I’m sure a pay-per-view cable audience

would like to know.

We’ve got a national debt, folks.

Now, how would you rather die --

in a hospital bed with tubes stuck up your nose,

or watching the Earth recede

as you take part in man’s great adventure?

How far could a man propel himself in space

with just a fire extinguisher?

Let’s -- let’s see!

Would an old Plymouth Valiant make a good space capsule?

Let’s find out.

And how close to the sun’s surface

can a man get before he bursts into flame?

How about a fat person?

Would it make a difference?

I say we’ll never know until we try.

Thank you, I’m Al Franken.

( indistinct )

The British journal Naturethis week

reports the discovery of a 60,000-year-old

two-inch neck bone in a cave in Israel,

and suggests that modern man’s brutish predecessor,

the Neanderthal man,

may have had the physical capacity to speak.

The Journalalso concluded, though,

that he probably had nothing to say.

You know, Sting’s been in town this week

talking about the ecological problems

with the Brazilian rainforest.

He was photographed yesterday

with this Brazilian Indian tribesman.

You know, I saw this guy later last night at Nell’s,

and he seemed to be doing pretty well

with the European women.

A self-portrait of Picasso sold for $47.9 million

at Sotheby’s this week.

The painting, entitled Yo Picasso

was bought by actor Sylvester Stallone,

who hopes to turn the property

into a movie by next summer.

According to Atlanta Falcons offensive lineman Bill Fralic,

who appeared before a Senate committee this week

on the use of steroids in professional sports,

many participants in the NFL

are using steroids at this point.

Ooh-ooh, there’s a surprise, huh?

I thought it was normal to have an 87-inch neck.

I thought I was the freak.

And Aunt Jemima’s 100 years old this year,

and in an effort to update the image,

the old logo was done away with

and a new logo, Axel Jemima is being used...

as part of their Guns ’N’ Flapjack campaign.

Guess what, folks, that’s the season,

and I am out.

Hello, I am Penny LeBlanc,

and if you have a problem or a question,

or you just want someone to talk to,

pick up the phone,

because we’re taking calls right now on Point Blank!

Hello, and welcome to Point Blank.

We have an exciting show tonight because

our guest is National Hockey League superstar Wayne Gretzky!

Yay.

It’s great to have you here, Wayne.

I know the viewers are gonna have

a lot of questions for you.

Well, it’s a pleasure to be here.

Oh, I see the phones lighting up,

so let’s get right to the calls.

Okay! Point Blank. You’re on the air.

WOMAN: Yes, hello, Penny.

I have to talk to somebody about this.

I just don’t know what to do.

Well, Wayne and I are here, so go right ahead.

I work in a marketing firm.

I’ve been here ten years, and I can’t get a promotion.

The firm is male-dominated,

and I know the reason I’m not moving up

on the ladder is because I’m a woman.

- I don’t know what to do! - Uh-huh.

I’m afraid to make waves.

I just don’t want to risk my job,

but I just can’t stand it anymore!

Uh-huh.

Well, what do you think I should do?

Well, you’ve got a big problem there,

and, I gotta tell you,

I don’t know.

Wayne, you’re at the top of your profession.

How did you get there?

Well, hockey is different from marketing.

It’s more of a sport.

Uh-huh.

I mean, I practice a lot, and my father coached me,

and that helped.

Do you think that if you practiced

a little more that would help?

No, I don’t.

Could your father coach you?

Well, no.

Well, I don’t know, but thanks for calling.

Okay, next call! Point Blank,you’re on the air.

MAN: Uh, yes, my son’s going through a messy divorce,

and now my daughter-in-law is refusing

to let me or my wife see our own grandchildren.

Don’t grandparents have any legal rights in a divorce?

Uh, Wayne, why don’t you field this one?

Look, I’m a hockey player, not a lawyer. I don’t know.

Well, thank you for calling, and good luck!

Point Blank, you’re on the air.

- WOMAN: Penny... - Yes?

I just love your show.

Thank you.

You can have Phil and Oprah.

Your show is like a breath of fresh air.

I just love to stand in front of my TV

and watch your show and do my ironing.

It’s so relaxing!

Thank you. Keep watching.

I just love your show.

Wayne, why don’t you take the next call?

All right. Hello, Point Blank. You’re on the air.

WOMAN: Wayne? Listen, my son’s a hockey player,

and he’s quite good.

And I’ve got this question.

Every time I drink something very hot or very cold --

it doesn’t matter, hot or cold --

I get this shooting pain right through my tooth

and into my jaw. Oh, it hurts, Wayne!

What do you think it is?

I don’t know, but I would go see a dentist about it.

Wayne, that was really good advice!

You know what...

Yeah.

Let’s take a break from our calls

and let’s get to know our guest a little better!

- Are you married? - Yes, I am.

- Where do you live? - California!

The Sunshine State, hooray!

If you have questions about California,

you can call in. We have an expert here!

Wayne Gretzky, expert on California!

No, I just moved from Canada.

I really don’t know much about California.

Okay, let’s take another call!

Point Blank. You’re on the air!

( feedback )

Turn down your set, please.

Turn it down! Thank you.

MAN: Wow, what causes that?

I don’t know.

Do you have a question?

Yeah. How do I get tickets to your show?

Hmm. I’m not sure.

Should I call the station?

That’s a good idea.

Well, who would I talk to?

Well...

I don’t know,

but thanks for calling.

Okay. Oh, another call.

Point Blank. You’re on the air.

MAN: Yeah, um, when you see a package of food

already open in the grocery store,

can you eat it without paying for it?

Gee.

Gee, I don’t know, Wayne.

I wouldn’t.

Okay. Well...

Oh, we only have time for one more call.

Okay, hello. You’re on the air.

MAN: Wayne, I just wanna say

you’re one heck of a hockey player.

You’re the world’s best.

Thank you.

My question is how did you get on the show?

I don’t know.

I could find out.

Okay, we have to go.

Let’s see if we can squeeze in a few questions

from our studio audience before -- Yes, young man!

Wayne, what’s the name of those little yellow flowers

that grow along the side of the road in Canada?

I don’t know.

You? You have a question?

Thank you very much.

I had a great time tonight.

Happy Mother’s Day.