Original subtitles

Hey, that rock is not done yet.

Sure it is.

No, it’s not. It’s got oil on the bottom.

Nobody’s gonna look at the bottom of a rock.

I’m telling you-- What’s the problem?

We don’t have to clean the bottoms, do we?

Yes. The whole rock.

Yee-hoo. Hoo, hoo, hoo.

Look, Mr. Williamson, some of us were wondering, uh--

where do we put the otters?

You know the procedure.

Yeah, but we kinda forgot.

All right, everybody, I’m gonna go through this one more time.

There are four otter piles.

Oily dead otters, clean dead otters,

oily live otters,

and clean live otters. Got it?

Mr. Williamson. Mr. Williamson!

I just cleaned another rock.

That’s real good, Andy.

Andy, you don’t have to tell me every time you clean a rock.

Just put it on the clean rock pile, okay?

Okay.

Terri? Yes, Mr. Williamson?

I think we’re gonna need a lot more towels.

Okay, just a couple rolls, right?

No! Hundreds of rolls.

Oh. Just any old brand, right?

No, I’m afraid we’ll need a brand name-- Coronet, Viva, Brawny,

that kind of thing. Oh, okay. Plain or decorator?

It doesn’t matter! Oh.

Decorator, if you can get it. Okay.

Mr. Williamson, uh-- uh--

I gotta knock off early.

Uh, would it be okay if I took these rocks home

and finished cleanin’ ’em there?

Oh, I, uh-- I’ll bring ’em back tomorrow. Promise.

All right, all right. Just sign them out with Terri, okay?

Sign ’em out.

Oh, hey, hey! Here’s a clean rock!

Who cleaned this rock? Me, sir.

This is great! How did you do this?

Well, I used a white vinegar pre-soak,

I scrubbed with a high-grade steel wool,

and I used a little turtle wax. Well, good job.

I’m thinking of putting you on that big boulder over there.

You won’t regret it, sir. Good.

All right! Who tracked oil through our clean patch?

Oh, come on, we worked so hard on that! Come on, who did it?

Hazelwood. Hazelwood. Me.

Captain Hazelwood, you’re on pretty thin ice already.

Gosh, I’m sorry, sir.

I guess I did it again, huh?

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dany Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Mike Myers...

Ben Stiller...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

And starring Dolly Parton.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dolly Parton!

( music ends, audience cheers )

Whoa! Well, howdy out there!

Whoo-boy! You are alive tonight!

( laughs ) Oh, boy!

Thank you so much!

Now, I think it’s only fair for you folks in the audience

to know I had about 12 buses of folks

shipped down from Dollywood

just so I could get a good reception,

and I thank you. Thank you. You did good.

You did good.

How do you like my outfit?

See that? ( cheers )

You recognize it, don’t you? This is the NBC Peacock.

That’s because Lorne Michaels told me to wear this

’cause he wanted me to shake my tail feathers for ya.

You see? I’m gonna do it, too.

( laughs ) Oh, it really is great to be here in New York.

I always have a good time here, but I have to be honest with you, though--

I was a little nervous and a little worried about coming here.

You know, it’s Saturday Night. It’s live and all,

and you hear all kinds of things, but...

don’t you folks believe that for a minute.

These people have gone out of their way to make me feel like one of the family.

You know, it’s amazing to me how hard these people work.

I mean, they have put this thing together in just one week.

I mean, Monday, they start coming up with ideas,

and then Tuesday, they start to write ’em.

And then Wednesday, while you’re rehearsing, why, they build sets and...

before you know it, it’s Saturday and it’s time to do the show.

But I’ve done a lot of television in Hollywood,

and I’ve done a lot of TV in Nashville.

But I have to honestly say, things are a lot different here in New York.

Really.

I mean, everything is just so artistic here.

I mean, like, for instance-- this guy.

I mean, in Hollywood, they would never even try a shot like that.

But up here, the spirit is just, "Hang the guy up by the boots

"and put a camera in his hands

and see what it looks like."

Well...

It may not always work, but...

It may not always work,

but at least you gotta give ’em credit for trying. God love ’em.

Bless their little hearts, they’ve been good to me.

I tell you what, I think we’ve got a great show tonight.

I brought my band, and I’m gonna be doing the singing tonight,

so stick around. We’ll be right back.

I’m glad to be here with you!

( cheers, applause )

Tell us a mountain story, Dolly.

Hey, yeah. Come on. Aw...

Really? Well... Yeah.

All right, now,

the first thing you have to know, though,

is that I was born and raised in the Smokey Mountains

of East Tennessee. Well, we knew that.

Well, you might, Kevin, but maybe everybody out there

don’t know that.

Oh, I think they do, Dolly.

Think so? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

All right, well, that’s beside the point, but I’ll tell you a story.

Okay, well, I grew up in a small house

with my mama, with my daddy, and 12 kids.

And we were out in the middle of nowhere

and all we had was each other.

Of course, I’m not complaining,

but we didn’t make a whole lot more than--

uh, we didn’t make a whole lot of money,

and didn’t have more than anything but our love and our music.

Dolly, you mean you didn’t have any

of the modern conveniences

that we all take for granted?

That’s right. That is absolutely right, Victoria.

I mean, we didn’t have a washing machine or a gas stove.

We didn’t have a TV.

Well, what did you guys do for fun?

Oh, we made our own fun, Dennis.

Why, we’d sing, and we’d play games,

and Mama would dream up stories for us.

I mean, stories that were a whole lot better

than anything you could watch on television today.

She must have been quite a woman.

Well, you don’t have to patronize me, Phil.

Anyway, she’d tell us stories that’d keep us going till bedtime.

Like, what kind of stories?

Oh, just all kinds of stories.

She’d just make up scary stories, and funny stories,

stories about the Old West...

Oh, those Western stories must have been great. Oh, they were.

My favorite was about this white-haired man that had three sons

and he lived out on a big ranch in Nevada.

And the oldest son, see--

he was real, real moody, and serious.

And the middle one, well, he was big and lovable.

And the youngest one-- whoo! He was so handsome and brash.

He sounds really cute.

Oh, he was.

Well, his name was Little Joe,

and he had more girlfriends than you could shake a stick at.

Lord, the times that family had with that Chinese servant of theirs...

My Mama, she did-- she had a big imagination, that’s for sure.

But she loved to tell us police stories.

That was some of my favorites, too.

She told you police stories?

Yeah, why, she’d just talk a blue streak

about these two detectives that would drive around L.A.

in this blue Plymouth Valiant.

One fella’s name, I think, was Friday. Yeah, it was Friday,

and he did everything by the book.

I mean, he was straighter than a hog’s tail in a pork factory.

See, my mama had so many stories,

and the funniest ones were about this silly,

silly, crazy woman named Lucy.

I mean, she got into all kinds of crazy situations.

There was this one time when her husband Ricky-- he was this Cuban fella,

and he had an audition in Los Angeles,

and-- and they lost her script-- Lucy did--

so she had to sneak into the studio,

and William Holden was there,

and it was just the biggest mess you’ve ever seen.

So, uh-- so, these were made up?

Well, yeah, except the ones about Friday.

Mama said that they were based on some kind of truth

but they always changed the names to protect the innocent people.

So, there were no televisions anywhere?

Well, of course not. Why would we need one?

I mean, family’s all you need.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you--

there was this Halloween special that was Mama’s favorite.

I mean, it was the one about this real--

it was a spooky story about a witch, and she had these magical powers,

and she married this advertising agent-- his name was Darren.

See, Darren didn’t want anybody to know about his wife,

so they lived out in the suburbs,

and they had this real, real nosy neighbor--

Oh, Ms. Crabbitz!

Wow. That’s right, Jon.

How’d you know that? Are you from the hills?

Well, no, I-- I-- I just-- Jon.

Yes, of course he’s from the hills,

aren’t you, Jon?

Yeah, yeah, right. I’m from Arkansas.

Well, I never knew that.

That is something.

Well, you learn something new every day.

Well, listen, I hope that you enjoyed the stories,

and thank you for listening,

but I gotta go get ready for the next thing we’re doin’, okay?

All right. See you guys later, okay?

Bye. Goodbye.

Bye, Dolly.

That poor, poor woman.

Yeah. Thinking that stuff was original.

Boy, can you imagine missing out

on all those hours and hours of television?

Yeah, and then having to hear about it second-hand.

I mean... it’s so sad.

Is it really?

No, I-- I mean, think about it.

While we had all of that fed to us, she got to use her imagination.

Yeah, we’re all kind of constrained to the limits of what we saw,

but not Dolly.

Who knows what her Darren looks like?

Her Hoss? Her Friday? Her Larry Tate.

Maybe her Colonel Klink had a thick head of hair.

Maybe her Lassie was a dachshund.

You know what? Maybe we should all stop watching TV.

( laughs ) No, that’s ridiculous.

It’s just something that happened to Dolly.

Right. Yeah.

Miss out on TV? What are you talking about?

Yeah, I guess so.

We gotta go to work here. Yeah.

( muttering )

Klink with hair? Who needs that?

*

And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening, and what can I tell ya?

I’m gonna make this quick tonight.

There’s a really good Barettaon cable.

At President Bush’s invitation,

University of Michigan basketball hero Rumeal Robinson

came to the White House yesterday

to explain how a ball works to Dan Quayle.

( applause ) House, um...

House Speaker Jim Wright launched a counterattack last Thursday

against charges he broke House rules in his financial dealings.

The Speaker addressed the news media, saying,

"I’ll fight to my last ounce of conviction."

FDA officials report that an ounce of conviction in Washington D.C.

now has a street value of $400,000.

Nearly a week after President Bush ordered the Pentagon

to help accelerate and coordinate the cleanup

in Prince William Sound, Alaska,

the government took its first substantive action yesterday

as it requested the British Navy to send the HMS Bounty

into the oil spill area for a mop-up operation

under the able command of Captain Rosie Bligh.

The oil spill-- the oil spill cleanup continued this week

with an especially appropriate moment on Wednesday

when Exxon Chairman Lawrence Rawl was flown to Alaska

and had his nose rubbed in it.

You know-- ( cheers )

Thank you for turning it into a rally. You know...

I’m sure you all saw this headline in last week’s National Enquirer--

"Dolly’s Tearful Battle With Dark Depression-- Her Own Dramatic Story".

Let’s try to get to the bottom of this.

Now, Dolly, is this true?

Yes, it is.

And are you amazed at the fact that this crack investigative unit

was able to ferret out this information? Yes, I am.

And are you willing to concede, along with me,

that the National Enquirer is the preeminent news- gathering organization

on this planet? Yes, I am.

Thank you. Thank you, Dolly.

Dolly Parton, folks.

Okay.

Last Sunday in Washington D.C.,

300,000 people marched for abortion rights.

That’s the New York Daily Newsheadline.

And... here’s the headline in the Hollywood Reporter on the same day.

It says "30,000".

Kinda makes you wonder about those grosses

for Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure,huh?

President Bush this week telephoned Ronald Reagan

and apologized for reports

that White House aides were belittling the former President.

Bush also issued an apology to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop,

who was also being made fun of.

Koop handled the matter with his typical aplomb, saying,

"I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say about me

bounces off me and sticks to you."

President Bush this week cut the pay of White House speech writers.

When asked why he did it, Bush said, "You know, I don’t have a good answer for that."

Former Reagan White House staffer Mike Deaver,

found guilty last year of conflict of interest charges,

turned up in Northern England this week

for a meeting with Princess Diana.

Now, there’s Diana... and there’s Deaver.

Always was a pushy guy, eh?

You know, it’s a sad commentary

when the commemorative plate takes the best picture in the room.

( chuckles )

Be nice when Ed gets done mayoring

and can get back to male modeling.

You know... ( laughs )

Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley shows off

his new thumb that he bought this week,

and it’s a nice one, Tito.

A House panel approved legislation Tuesday

to end 35 years of Federal control of natural gas.

The natural gas legislation

now has to be passed by the Senate.

Oh, you can laugh, but that was a big stink down there last week.

Haven’t seen Sal Rushdie openin’ any supermarkets

in the last couple months, have ya?

A piece of the Concorde SST fell off in flight yesterday,

forcing it to make an emergency landing in Sydney, Australia.

The pilot said he didn’t even miss it, noticed no difference in the flight,

landed the plane safely.

Figures. The French never miss a piece of tail.

( audience groans )

( laughs )

Tomorrow marks the 100th birthday of Charlie Chaplin.

Here we see a picture of the immortal Little Tramp.

Oh, excuse me.

Margo Adams. Wrong little tramp. I’m sorry.

Yeah...

No, don’t boo. I wrote that one for Wade’s wife.

Anybody remember her?

And now, here with some predictions for the upcoming months,

famed astrologer Ms. Jeane Dixon.

Hello, Jeane. Welcome. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you for having me on your Dennis Miller show.

It’s a pleasure, Jeane. As you know,

I predicted the death of John Kennedy in 1963,

and later I spelled out the word "Oswald" after the shooting occurred.

Jeane, Jeane, we’re all aware

that you indeed predicted the assassination, I did.

and you’re here to tell us about your new predictions.

Yes, indeed I am, Dentist.

Okay, now, before we begin,

I have to read this disclaimer--

"The following segment is for entertainment purposes only.

"It is of no known scientific value.

We ask that you completely ignore this useless gibberish."

Now, Jeane... Thank you, Dennis.

what’ve you got for us this week?

Oh, very exciting news, uh-- uh, Dingle.

I predict an occurrence of catastrophic proportions

will occur in Alaska.

I predict that an oil spill will wreak havoc on the ocean,

the water around the ocean, the land,

and on all the nature, uh-- uh, Dobie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, you’re talkin’ about the oil spill.

That’s your prediction? Yes.

Oh, well-- well, no, there is more.

There is more, Doodles. Okay.

Listen. Listen to me.

Fishermen will also be severely affected,

and also, um-- Dresser,

they will affect the fish.

They will feel the effects as well.

You understand. Boy, that’s golden, there, Jeane, uh...

What else do you see? Any earthquakes? Nuclear sub stuff?

Oh, oh, yes, yes. So many, many things will be happening,

uh, uh-- Dreidel. I...

Yes, and it’s very exciting.

I predict there will be another oil spill.

However-- and this is very, very important, Anthony--

it will-- it will only happen if a large tanker should hit a reef,

or otherwise break open,

spilling its oil into the saltwater of an ocean...

or a gulf... or very possibly, a lake... Diaper.

Yes. So, when’s all this gonna happen, Jeane?

Well, I predict that this will happen... in the future.

If-- now, wait a minute, now--

if-- and this is very important--

it hasn’t happened already.

Well, thank you, Jeane.

Thank you, Dim Sum.

Jeane Dixon, everybody.

Thank you, Jeane.

She looks great.

This week, retiring animal trainer

Gunther Gebel-Williams’s replacement

was unveiled by the Ringling Brothers’ Barnum & Bailey Circus.

His name is Gus, and he is not expected to be successful.

* Morita *

A surprise at the Country Music Awards this week

as the group Alabama was a winner.

Here’s their lead singer. Wasn’t this guy the head

of the gladiator school in Spartacus?

Bill Smith, the Rol--

( laughs ) Bill Smith?

Bill Wyman, the Rolling Stones’ bassist,

is planning to marry 19-year-old Mandy Smith,

the end result of an affair that started when she was 13.

Mandy said, "I would’ve married Bill then,

but he had some growing up to do."

In a pageant held on Friday, actress Chita Rivera

Was crowned "Ms. Chita Rivera".

Ms. Rivera has won the Ms. Chita Rivera contest

for the last 53 years.

Yeah.

That’s excluding 1973, when the award was taken by Rita Moreno.

And last Monday, April 10th,

America officially ran out of celebrities

when Maury Povich turned up on the cover of Peoplemagazine.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here.

*

Oh, I really, really want to thank you, Mr. Tortello.

I mean, I can’t believe it.

I’ve only been in Manhattan for three days,

and I’ve already got a job!

Yeah, well, I hope you like it here.

Well, I don’t know why I wouldn’t.

It’s the kind of job I like, ’cause I love people.

Listen, can I just pay for this soda? I have exact change.

No, you may not! I’m the customer being waited on right now.

You’re just gonna have to wait your turn!

Hey, what did you just charge me

while I was talking to that moron?

You charged me $15?

Just what the label says-- $1.50.

You charged me $15! Take $15 off my bill.

Oh, so now you want it for free.

Don’t-- Come on--

Hi, Nikki, I’m Wanda, and I’m relieving you today.

Oh, God. Great.

Aw, isn’t she the cutest little thing?

( chuckles ) Now, how can I help you?

Oh, new check-out girl! New check-out girl!

Now we gotta wait for you to cash out the register, right?

Now, count out all the money. Count it out!

Count it out-- Would you stop talking?!

Oh, no, let her talk. Sometimes we need to get things off our chests.

I mean, if we keep all that stuff bottled up inside us, well--

I mean, that’s bad for you. You can get ulcers or stuff like that.

Honey, that’ll be $22.95. I’m gonna take that $15 off.

Oh, well, thank you very much. That’s all right.

Now, you go home and take yourself a good, hot bubble bath.

I will. I-- where is it?

Uh, it’s in the back of the store.

Thank you. Okay.

Careful, careful. It’s a pie.

A pie! Well, I know it’s a pie,

and it’s your pie, honey.

I just want to kinda get it to you home

while it’s still warm.

Uh, I mean, it’s like-- I just need to check the price.

That’s what I thought. $9?

What kinda pie would cost $9?

An Alsatian five-berry tort does.

Five berries? I mean, you’re payin’ for four berries

You’re not gonna be able to taste.

Please, just ring it up. I’ve got six people coming over in an hour.

Well, good. Then there’s still time.

You go get yourself a box of orange Jell-O,

and you get yourself a container of Cool Whip

and a fresh can of fruit cocktail.

Mix that all up together, and you chill it for an hour.

And for $3.50, you’ve got dessert for a whole week.

Ooh, I love it. I call it "Tropical Salad."

It sounds so retro!

I’ll take both. Oh, no, now, you can’t have both, honey.

I mean, it’s like-- ’cause when your guests leave,

you’ll go right straight to that refrigerator,

and you will eat that Tropical Salad,

and then you’ll go finish off the pie,

and then tomorrow you’re gonna be as sick as a dog.

You’re right.

Now, you just run along and get yourself some fixings

and I’ll see you in a little bit, okay?

Great. Goodbye... "y’all"!

Okay, Cuz.

Come on, could we move it along here, please?

Let’s go, come on! Hey, okay, everybody.

I mean, you gotta just give me a little break here.

See, I’m the only checker here today. Can’t you see that?

I mean, I’m just gonna be-- You know, just workin’ on you folks,

it’s gonna take me at least 15 minutes to get y’all through this line.

Come on. But you know, where I come from, we like to wait,

’cause it means we get to play a little game we call Gator Game!

Yeah, Great, come on-- Well, no, no, here’s how you play it.

I want everybody--

startin’ with this good-lookin’ guy right here--

okay, I want you to count off.

Count off one, two, one, two-- just all the way down the line, okay?

Think you got that? All right, let’s start with you.

One... One.

two... Two.

Come on, come on, Keep it goin’. One.

Two. One.

Two. See?

Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

No, it was quite easy.

Now, you’re doin’ great. Now, this is what you do.

See, the ones are the alligators,

and the twos are the crocodiles.

So, when I shout out "one", I want all the alligators

to open their mouths real wide.

And then shout out "two" and I want all the crocodiles

to open up their mouths real wide.

And when all the gators open up their mouths,

I want the crocodiles to crouch down real low.

And when the crocodiles open up their mouths,

I want the alligators to crouch down real low.

So, you got all that? Wait, excuse me.

I-- I can make this a lot simpler.

All right. Standing up, mouth open,

crouching, mouth closed.

Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. That’s what she said.

All right, all right. Well, look,

enough of this bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo.

Let’s play. Oh, good!

This is gonna be fun. Everybody ready?

All right, I want the ones right in line here.

Okay, now--

* Where I come from in Tennessee *

* There’s only hills and grass *

Two! * I never seen a gator *

* But the lakes were full of bass *

One!

* My daddy bought a pet for me *

* So green and full of sass *

Two! * Turned out to be a gator *

* And it bit me in the-- *

( laughs )

Well, I have had a great time.

Thanks to this wonderful cast of Saturday Night Live,

my band, the Mighty Fine band,

and you folks out there for watchin’,

and, Lord, David Blair and Tony Chase,

and oh, just good-- good Lord.

I’ll be back to see you folks again, I hope.

Good night! From New York, I say bye-bye!

( cheers, applause )

*