All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E17.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

Hey, that rock
is not done yet.

Sure it is.

No, it’s not.
It’s got oil
on the bottom.

Nobody’s gonna look
at the bottom of a rock.

I’m telling you--
What’s the problem?

We don’t have to clean
the bottoms, do we?

Yes.
The whole rock.

Yee-hoo.
Hoo, hoo, hoo.

Look, Mr. Williamson,
some of us were
wondering, uh--

where do we put
the otters?

You know
the procedure.

Yeah, but we
kinda forgot.

All right, everybody,
I’m gonna go through
this one more time.

There are four otter piles.

Oily dead otters,
clean dead otters,

oily live otters,

and clean live otters.
Got it?

Mr. Williamson.
Mr. Williamson!

I just cleaned
another rock.

That’s real good, Andy.

Andy, you don’t have
to tell me every time
you clean a rock.

Just put it on
the clean rock pile,
okay?

Okay.

Terri?
Yes, Mr.
Williamson?

I think we’re gonna
need a lot more towels.

Okay, just a couple
rolls, right?

No!
Hundreds of rolls.

Oh.
Just any old
brand, right?

No, I’m afraid we’ll need
a brand name-- Coronet,
Viva, Brawny,

that kind of thing.
Oh, okay.
Plain or decorator?

It doesn’t matter!
Oh.

Decorator,
if you can get it.
Okay.

Mr. Williamson,
uh-- uh--

I gotta knock off
early.

Uh, would it be okay
if I took these rocks home

and finished cleanin’
’em there?

Oh, I, uh--
I’ll bring ’em
back tomorrow.
Promise.

All right, all right.
Just sign them out
with Terri, okay?

Sign ’em out.

Oh, hey, hey!
Here’s a clean rock!

Who cleaned this rock?
Me, sir.

This is great!
How did you do this?

Well, I used a white
vinegar pre-soak,

I scrubbed with
a high-grade steel wool,

and I used a little
turtle wax.
Well, good job.

I’m thinking
of putting you on that
big boulder over there.

You won’t
regret it, sir.
Good.

All right!
Who tracked oil through
our clean patch?

Oh, come on, we worked
so hard on that!
Come on, who did it?

Hazelwood.
Hazelwood.
Me.

Captain Hazelwood,
you’re on pretty
thin ice already.

Gosh, I’m sorry, sir.

I guess I did it
again, huh?

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dany Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Mike Myers...

Ben Stiller...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band.

And starring
Dolly Parton.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Dolly Parton!

( music ends,
audience cheers )

Whoa!
Well, howdy out there!

Whoo-boy!
You are alive tonight!

( laughs )
Oh, boy!

Thank you so much!

Now, I think it’s only
fair for you folks
in the audience

to know I had about
12 buses of folks

shipped down
from Dollywood

just so I could get
a good reception,

and I thank you.
Thank you.
You did good.

You did good.

How do you like
my outfit?

See that?
( cheers )

You recognize it, don’t you?
This is the NBC Peacock.

That’s because Lorne Michaels
told me to wear this

’cause he wanted me
to shake my tail feathers
for ya.

You see?
I’m gonna do it, too.

( laughs )
Oh, it really is great
to be here in New York.

I always have a good
time here, but I have to be
honest with you, though--

I was a little nervous
and a little worried
about coming here.

You know,
it’s Saturday Night.
It’s live and all,

and you hear all kinds
of things, but...

don’t you folks believe
that for a minute.

These people have gone
out of their way to make me
feel like one of the family.

You know, it’s amazing
to me how hard these
people work.

I mean,
they have put this thing
together in just one week.

I mean, Monday,
they start coming up
with ideas,

and then Tuesday,
they start to write ’em.

And then Wednesday,
while you’re rehearsing,
why, they build sets and...

before you know it,
it’s Saturday and it’s
time to do the show.

But I’ve done a lot
of television in Hollywood,

and I’ve done a lot
of TV in Nashville.

But I have to honestly say,
things are a lot different
here in New York.

Really.

I mean, everything
is just so artistic here.

I mean, like,
for instance-- this guy.

I mean, in Hollywood,
they would never even
try a shot like that.

But up here, the spirit
is just, "Hang the guy up
by the boots

"and put a camera
in his hands

and see what
it looks like."

Well...

It may not always work,
but...

It may not always work,

but at least you gotta
give ’em credit for trying.
God love ’em.

Bless their little hearts,
they’ve been good to me.

I tell you what,
I think we’ve got
a great show tonight.

I brought my band,
and I’m gonna be doing
the singing tonight,

so stick around.
We’ll be right back.

I’m glad to be here
with you!

( cheers, applause )

Tell us a mountain
story, Dolly.

Hey, yeah.
Come on.
Aw...

Really?
Well...
Yeah.

All right, now,

the first thing you have
to know, though,

is that I was born
and raised in the
Smokey Mountains

of East Tennessee.
Well, we knew that.

Well, you might,
Kevin, but maybe
everybody out there

don’t know that.

Oh, I think they do,
Dolly.

Think so?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

All right, well,
that’s beside the point,
but I’ll tell you a story.

Okay, well,
I grew up in a small house

with my mama,
with my daddy,
and 12 kids.

And we were out
in the middle of nowhere

and all we had
was each other.

Of course,
I’m not complaining,

but we didn’t make
a whole lot more than--

uh, we didn’t make
a whole lot of money,

and didn’t have more
than anything but our
love and our music.

Dolly, you mean you
didn’t have any

of the modern
conveniences

that we all
take for granted?

That’s right.
That is absolutely
right, Victoria.

I mean, we didn’t have
a washing machine
or a gas stove.

We didn’t have
a TV.

Well, what did
you guys do
for fun?

Oh, we made our
own fun, Dennis.

Why, we’d sing,
and we’d play games,

and Mama would dream up
stories for us.

I mean, stories that were
a whole lot better

than anything you could
watch on television today.

She must have been
quite a woman.

Well, you don’t have
to patronize me, Phil.

Anyway, she’d tell us
stories that’d keep us
going till bedtime.

Like, what kind
of stories?

Oh, just all kinds
of stories.

She’d just make up
scary stories,
and funny stories,

stories about
the Old West...

Oh, those Western stories
must have been great.
Oh, they were.

My favorite was about
this white-haired man
that had three sons

and he lived out
on a big ranch
in Nevada.

And the oldest son,
see--

he was real, real moody,
and serious.

And the middle one, well,
he was big and lovable.

And the youngest one-- whoo!
He was so handsome and brash.

He sounds
really cute.

Oh, he was.

Well, his name
was Little Joe,

and he had more
girlfriends than you
could shake a stick at.

Lord, the times that family
had with that Chinese servant
of theirs...

My Mama, she did--
she had a big imagination,
that’s for sure.

But she loved to tell us
police stories.

That was some
of my favorites, too.

She told you
police stories?

Yeah, why,
she’d just talk
a blue streak

about these two
detectives that would
drive around L.A.

in this blue
Plymouth Valiant.

One fella’s name,
I think, was Friday.
Yeah, it was Friday,

and he did everything
by the book.

I mean, he was straighter
than a hog’s tail
in a pork factory.

See, my mama had
so many stories,

and the funniest ones
were about this silly,

silly, crazy woman
named Lucy.

I mean, she got into
all kinds of crazy
situations.

There was this one time
when her husband Ricky--
he was this Cuban fella,

and he had an audition
in Los Angeles,

and--
and they lost her
script-- Lucy did--

so she had to sneak
into the studio,

and William Holden
was there,

and it was just
the biggest mess
you’ve ever seen.

So, uh--
so, these were
made up?

Well, yeah,
except the ones
about Friday.

Mama said that they
were based on some
kind of truth

but they always changed
the names to protect
the innocent people.

So, there were no
televisions anywhere?

Well, of course not.
Why would we need one?

I mean, family’s
all you need.

Oh, yeah, I forgot
to tell you--

there was this
Halloween special that
was Mama’s favorite.

I mean, it was
the one about
this real--

it was a spooky story
about a witch, and she had
these magical powers,

and she married this
advertising agent--
his name was Darren.

See, Darren didn’t
want anybody to know
about his wife,

so they lived out
in the suburbs,

and they had this real,
real nosy neighbor--

Oh, Ms. Crabbitz!

Wow.
That’s right, Jon.

How’d you know that?
Are you from the hills?

Well, no, I--
I-- I just--
Jon.

Yes, of course he’s
from the hills,

aren’t you, Jon?

Yeah, yeah, right.
I’m from Arkansas.

Well, I never
knew that.

That is something.

Well, you learn
something new
every day.

Well, listen, I hope
that you enjoyed
the stories,

and thank you
for listening,

but I gotta go get ready
for the next thing
we’re doin’, okay?

All right.
See you guys later,
okay?

Bye.
Goodbye.

Bye, Dolly.

That poor,
poor woman.

Yeah.
Thinking that stuff
was original.

Boy,
can you imagine
missing out

on all those
hours and hours
of television?

Yeah, and then having
to hear about it
second-hand.

I mean...
it’s so sad.

Is it really?

No, I-- I mean,
think about it.

While we had all of that
fed to us, she got to use
her imagination.

Yeah, we’re all kind of
constrained to the limits
of what we saw,

but not Dolly.

Who knows what
her Darren looks like?

Her Hoss?
Her Friday?
Her Larry Tate.

Maybe her Colonel Klink
had a thick head of hair.

Maybe her Lassie
was a dachshund.

You know what?
Maybe we should all
stop watching TV.

( laughs )
No, that’s ridiculous.

It’s just something
that happened to Dolly.

Right.
Yeah.

Miss out on TV?
What are you talking
about?

Yeah, I guess so.

We gotta go
to work here.
Yeah.

( muttering )

Klink with hair?
Who needs that?

*

And now,
Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Good evening,
and what can I tell ya?

I’m gonna make this
quick tonight.

There’s a really good
Barettaon cable.

At President Bush’s
invitation,

University of Michigan
basketball hero
Rumeal Robinson

came to the White House
yesterday

to explain
how a ball works
to Dan Quayle.

( applause )
House, um...

House Speaker Jim Wright
launched a counterattack
last Thursday

against charges he broke
House rules in his
financial dealings.

The Speaker addressed
the news media, saying,

"I’ll fight to my last
ounce of conviction."

FDA officials report that
an ounce of conviction
in Washington D.C.

now has a street value
of $400,000.

Nearly a week after
President Bush ordered
the Pentagon

to help accelerate
and coordinate
the cleanup

in Prince William Sound,
Alaska,

the government took
its first substantive
action yesterday

as it requested
the British Navy to
send the HMS Bounty

into the oil spill area
for a mop-up operation

under the able command
of Captain Rosie Bligh.

The oil spill--
the oil spill cleanup
continued this week

with an especially
appropriate moment
on Wednesday

when Exxon Chairman
Lawrence Rawl was flown
to Alaska

and had his nose
rubbed in it.

You know--
( cheers )

Thank you for turning
it into a rally.
You know...

I’m sure you all saw this
headline in last week’s
National Enquirer--

"Dolly’s Tearful Battle
With Dark Depression--
Her Own Dramatic Story".

Let’s try to get
to the bottom
of this.

Now, Dolly,
is this true?

Yes, it is.

And are you amazed
at the fact that this
crack investigative unit

was able to ferret
out this information?
Yes, I am.

And are you willing
to concede, along with me,

that the National Enquirer
is the preeminent news-
gathering organization

on this planet?
Yes, I am.

Thank you.
Thank you, Dolly.

Dolly Parton,
folks.

Okay.

Last Sunday
in Washington D.C.,

300,000 people marched
for abortion rights.

That’s the New York
Daily Newsheadline.

And... here’s the headline
in the Hollywood Reporter
on the same day.

It says "30,000".

Kinda makes you wonder
about those grosses

for Bill & Ted’s
Excellent Adventure,huh?

President Bush this week
telephoned Ronald Reagan

and apologized
for reports

that White House aides
were belittling the
former President.

Bush also issued
an apology to Surgeon
General C. Everett Koop,

who was also
being made fun of.

Koop handled the matter
with his typical aplomb,
saying,

"I’m rubber, you’re glue.
Whatever you say about me

bounces off me
and sticks to you."

President Bush this week
cut the pay of White House
speech writers.

When asked why he did it,
Bush said, "You know, I don’t
have a good answer for that."

Former Reagan
White House staffer
Mike Deaver,

found guilty last year
of conflict of interest
charges,

turned up
in Northern England
this week

for a meeting
with Princess Diana.

Now, there’s Diana...
and there’s Deaver.

Always was
a pushy guy, eh?

You know, it’s a sad
commentary

when the commemorative plate
takes the best picture
in the room.

( chuckles )

Be nice when Ed
gets done mayoring

and can get back
to male modeling.

You know...
( laughs )

Los Angeles Mayor
Tom Bradley shows off

his new thumb that
he bought this week,

and it’s a nice one,
Tito.

A House panel approved
legislation Tuesday

to end 35 years
of Federal control
of natural gas.

The natural gas
legislation

now has to be passed
by the Senate.

Oh, you can laugh,
but that was a big stink
down there last week.

Haven’t seen Sal Rushdie
openin’ any supermarkets

in the last couple months,
have ya?

A piece of the Concorde SST
fell off in flight yesterday,

forcing it to make
an emergency landing
in Sydney, Australia.

The pilot said he didn’t
even miss it, noticed no
difference in the flight,

landed the plane safely.

Figures.
The French never miss
a piece of tail.

( audience groans )

( laughs )

Tomorrow marks the 100th
birthday of Charlie Chaplin.

Here we see a picture
of the immortal Little
Tramp.

Oh, excuse me.

Margo Adams.
Wrong little tramp.
I’m sorry.

Yeah...

No, don’t boo.
I wrote that one
for Wade’s wife.

Anybody remember her?

And now, here with
some predictions for
the upcoming months,

famed astrologer
Ms. Jeane Dixon.

Hello, Jeane.
Welcome.
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you for having me
on your Dennis Miller show.

It’s a pleasure, Jeane.
As you know,

I predicted the death
of John Kennedy in 1963,

and later I spelled out
the word "Oswald" after
the shooting occurred.

Jeane, Jeane,
we’re all aware

that you indeed predicted
the assassination,
I did.

and you’re here
to tell us about
your new predictions.

Yes, indeed I am, Dentist.

Okay, now,
before we begin,

I have to read
this disclaimer--

"The following segment
is for entertainment
purposes only.

"It is of no known
scientific value.

We ask that you
completely ignore this
useless gibberish."

Now, Jeane...
Thank you, Dennis.

what’ve you got
for us this week?

Oh, very exciting news,
uh-- uh, Dingle.

I predict an occurrence
of catastrophic proportions

will occur in Alaska.

I predict that
an oil spill will wreak
havoc on the ocean,

the water around the ocean,
the land,

and on all the nature,
uh-- uh, Dobie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, you’re talkin’
about the oil spill.

That’s your prediction?
Yes.

Oh, well-- well, no,
there is more.

There is more, Doodles.
Okay.

Listen.
Listen to me.

Fishermen will also
be severely affected,

and also, um-- Dresser,

they will affect
the fish.

They will feel the effects
as well.

You understand.
Boy, that’s golden,
there, Jeane, uh...

What else do you see?
Any earthquakes?
Nuclear sub stuff?

Oh, oh, yes, yes.
So many, many things
will be happening,

uh, uh-- Dreidel.
I...

Yes, and it’s
very exciting.

I predict there will
be another oil spill.

However-- and this
is very, very important,
Anthony--

it will-- it will only happen
if a large tanker should hit
a reef,

or otherwise break open,

spilling its oil
into the saltwater
of an ocean...

or a gulf...
or very possibly,
a lake... Diaper.

Yes.
So, when’s all this
gonna happen, Jeane?

Well, I predict that
this will happen...
in the future.

If-- now,
wait a minute, now--

if--
and this is very
important--

it hasn’t happened
already.

Well,
thank you, Jeane.

Thank you, Dim Sum.

Jeane Dixon, everybody.

Thank you, Jeane.

She looks great.

This week,
retiring animal trainer

Gunther Gebel-Williams’s
replacement

was unveiled by
the Ringling Brothers’
Barnum & Bailey Circus.

His name is Gus,
and he is not expected
to be successful.

* Morita *

A surprise at the
Country Music Awards
this week

as the group Alabama
was a winner.

Here’s their lead singer.
Wasn’t this guy the head

of the gladiator school
in Spartacus?

Bill Smith,
the Rol--

( laughs )
Bill Smith?

Bill Wyman,
the Rolling Stones’
bassist,

is planning to marry
19-year-old Mandy Smith,

the end result of
an affair that started
when she was 13.

Mandy said, "I would’ve
married Bill then,

but he had some
growing up to do."

In a pageant held
on Friday, actress
Chita Rivera

Was crowned
"Ms. Chita Rivera".

Ms. Rivera has won
the Ms. Chita Rivera
contest

for the last
53 years.

Yeah.

That’s excluding 1973,
when the award was taken
by Rita Moreno.

And last Monday,
April 10th,

America officially
ran out of celebrities

when Maury Povich
turned up on the cover
of Peoplemagazine.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news,
and I am outta here.

*

Oh, I really, really
want to thank you,
Mr. Tortello.

I mean,
I can’t believe it.

I’ve only been
in Manhattan
for three days,

and I’ve already
got a job!

Yeah, well, I hope
you like it here.

Well, I don’t know
why I wouldn’t.

It’s the kind
of job I like,
’cause I love people.

Listen, can I just
pay for this soda?
I have exact change.

No, you may not!
I’m the customer being
waited on right now.

You’re just gonna have
to wait your turn!

Hey, what did you
just charge me

while I was talking
to that moron?

You charged me $15?

Just what the label
says-- $1.50.

You charged me $15!
Take $15 off my bill.

Oh, so now you
want it for free.

Don’t--
Come on--

Hi, Nikki,
I’m Wanda, and I’m
relieving you today.

Oh, God.
Great.

Aw, isn’t she the cutest
little thing?

( chuckles )
Now, how can I help you?

Oh, new check-out girl!
New check-out girl!

Now we gotta wait for you
to cash out the register,
right?

Now, count out
all the money.
Count it out!

Count it out--
Would you stop
talking?!

Oh, no, let her talk.
Sometimes we need to get
things off our chests.

I mean, if we keep all that
stuff bottled up inside us,
well--

I mean, that’s bad for you.
You can get ulcers or stuff
like that.

Honey, that’ll be $22.95.
I’m gonna take that $15 off.

Oh, well,
thank you very much.
That’s all right.

Now, you go home
and take yourself a good,
hot bubble bath.

I will.
I-- where is it?

Uh, it’s in the back
of the store.

Thank you.
Okay.

Careful, careful.
It’s a pie.

A pie!
Well, I know
it’s a pie,

and it’s your pie,
honey.

I just want to kinda
get it to you home

while it’s still warm.

Uh, I mean, it’s like--
I just need to check
the price.

That’s what I thought.
$9?

What kinda pie
would cost $9?

An Alsatian five-berry
tort does.

Five berries?
I mean, you’re payin’
for four berries

You’re not gonna be able
to taste.

Please, just ring it up.
I’ve got six people
coming over in an hour.

Well, good.
Then there’s still time.

You go get yourself a box
of orange Jell-O,

and you get yourself
a container of Cool Whip

and a fresh can
of fruit cocktail.

Mix that all up together,
and you chill it for an hour.

And for $3.50, you’ve got
dessert for a whole week.

Ooh, I love it.
I call it
"Tropical Salad."

It sounds so retro!

I’ll take both.
Oh, no, now, you can’t
have both, honey.

I mean, it’s like--
’cause when your guests
leave,

you’ll go right straight
to that refrigerator,

and you will eat
that Tropical Salad,

and then you’ll go
finish off the pie,

and then tomorrow you’re
gonna be as sick as a dog.

You’re right.

Now, you just run along
and get yourself some
fixings

and I’ll see you
in a little bit, okay?

Great.
Goodbye... "y’all"!

Okay, Cuz.

Come on, could we
move it along here,
please?

Let’s go, come on!
Hey, okay,
everybody.

I mean, you gotta just
give me a little break here.

See, I’m the only
checker here today.
Can’t you see that?

I mean, I’m just gonna be--
You know, just workin’
on you folks,

it’s gonna take me at least
15 minutes to get y’all
through this line.

Come on.
But you know, where I
come from, we like to wait,

’cause it means we get
to play a little game
we call Gator Game!

Yeah, Great, come on--
Well, no, no,
here’s how you play it.

I want everybody--

startin’ with this
good-lookin’ guy right here--

okay, I want you
to count off.

Count off one, two,
one, two-- just all the way
down the line, okay?

Think you got that?
All right, let’s start
with you.

One...
One.

two...
Two.

Come on, come on,
Keep it goin’.
One.

Two.
One.

Two.
See?

Now, that wasn’t
so hard, was it?

No, it was
quite easy.

Now, you’re doin’ great.
Now, this is what you do.

See, the ones
are the alligators,

and the twos
are the crocodiles.

So, when I shout out "one",
I want all the alligators

to open their mouths
real wide.

And then shout out "two"
and I want all the crocodiles

to open up their mouths
real wide.

And when all the gators
open up their mouths,

I want the crocodiles
to crouch down real low.

And when the crocodiles
open up their mouths,

I want the alligators
to crouch down real low.

So, you got all that?
Wait, excuse me.

I-- I can make this
a lot simpler.

All right.
Standing up,
mouth open,

crouching,
mouth closed.

Yeah, that’s right.
That’s right.
That’s what she said.

All right, all right.
Well, look,

enough of this
bureaucratic
mumbo-jumbo.

Let’s play.
Oh, good!

This is gonna be fun.
Everybody ready?

All right, I want
the ones right in line
here.

Okay, now--

* Where I come from
in Tennessee *

* There’s only hills
and grass *

Two!
* I never seen a gator *

* But the lakes
were full of bass *

One!

* My daddy bought
a pet for me *

* So green
and full of sass *

Two!
* Turned out to be a gator *

* And it bit me
in the-- *

( laughs )

Well, I have had
a great time.

Thanks to this wonderful
cast of Saturday Night Live,

my band,
the Mighty Fine band,

and you folks out there
for watchin’,

and, Lord,
David Blair and Tony Chase,

and oh, just good--
good Lord.

I’ll be back to see you
folks again, I hope.

Good night!
From New York,
I say bye-bye!

( cheers, applause )

*