Original subtitles

Raymond? Your friend is here to see you.

Yeah, yeah. It’s definitely 3:30, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Definitely time to see my friend.

Definitely 3:30. You can come in now.

Hi, Raymond! Yeah.

It’s me, Pete. Yeah, yeah, Pete. Yeah, Pete Rose.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, yeah, Pete Rose, yeah.

Yeah, definitely Pete Rose, definitely Charlie Hustle, 3:30.

Right, right, great. All right, Raymond, here’s your cheese balls.

Now, what’ve you got for me on opening day? Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, opening day,

Kansas City, opening day. Yeah, yeah.

You’re up against a left-hander on artificial turf, yeah.

Yeah, 21 and nine last year

against left-handers on artificial turf, yeah.

You sure? Yeah, I’m sure, yeah.

Yeah, course-- course, I’m an excellent driver.

Good, good. Okay, Raymond, what else you got?

Yeah, definitely-- definitely San Diego Padres over Cincinnati.

Yeah, Cincinnati. Yeah, definitely,

Padres are a very strong road team.

52 and 29 last year on the road, yeah.

Yeah, Padres over-- over Cincinnati.

Hmm... that’s okay, Raymond.

I can’t bet against my own team.

They’d ban me from baseball forever.

Yeah, it’s a sure-- sure thing. Padres over Cincinnati.

Yeah, sure thing. Definitely, definitely.

Definitely? Yeah, definitely Padres over Cincinnati.

Sure thing, yeah. Yeah, d-- don’t wuss out, yeah.

Yeah, def-- definitely a sure thing.

Okay, maybe I’ll just lay down a grand on that one.

Yeah, smart bet, Charlie Hustle. Smart man.

Course-- course, it’s against the rules of baseball.

Yeah, violation of Major League Baseball rules.

Section two, article four--

All right, all right, all right. Look, Raymond--

there’ve been some leaks to the press about my gambling,

and if people found out about it, it would be very, very bad.

Now, you haven’t spoken to anyone about this, have you?

Uh-oh.

What’s that? What’s--? Uh-oh.

Well, what do you mean? You spoke to someone? Yeah.

You told them I’ve been gambling? Yeah.

Raymond, no! Yeah, yeah, definitely gotta watch Wapner.

Definitely Wapner, yeah.

Definitely Judge Wapner, yeah.

Raymond, who-- who’d you talk to?

Yeah, Sports Illustrated. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, def-- definitely Sports Illustrated.

March 27th, 1989 issue, page 13, column three--

quote, "An unnamed source said that Rose had definitely bet

"on exactly 562 baseball games, and earned $61,405

and 31 cents." Definitely 31 cents.

Oh, God. Who else?

Baseball Commissioner Pete Uberroth, yeah.

Wha--? Yeah, had to tell him. Had to tell Uberroth.

Raymond, no! Who else? Who else?

Yeah, Cooperstown Hall of Fame Committee, yeah.

Yeah, Hall of Fame Committee, Cooperstown, New York.

They weren’t happy. Definitely let down.

Raymond, you idiot moron! You ruined my whole career.

Damn you and your stupid cheese balls!

Yeah, definitely 87 cheese balls, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, 87. Definitely 87.

Raymond, I oughta murder you for this. Ow, ow, ow!

Raymond! Raymond.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh!

Charlie Babbit’s here. Charlie Babbit.

What is this? You can’t touch my brother. This is-- he’s my brother.

Just stay the hell out of this, Babbit.

Yeah, Charlie Babbit’s here. Charlie Babbit’s my brother.

Charlie Hustle’s my friend, yeah.

Look, who is this guy? He’s my brother, all right?

I-- I went on the road with him.

We-- we went to Vegas, all right?

All right, he counted cards for me.

He’s grown more in the week he spent with me

than in all the years he’s been in here!

Hey, listen, Babbit, he’s grown more in the past year

helpin’ me bet on baseball games

than he did the week countin’ cards with you!

Actually, you’re both wrong.

He’s grown more in the past eight years speculating on gold futures for me

than in the time he’s spent with either one of you.

This is-- this is-- look, Raymond, Raymond--

just tell ’em who you wanna be with, Raymond.

Yeah, tell ’em, Raymond. Go ahead, Raymond.

Well, what’s on first, who’s on second, yeah.

You know what to say. Come on, Ray, just--

Uh-oh, uh-oh. Yeah.

Yeah, live from New York,

it’s definitely Saturday Night.

*

It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Al Franken...

Ben Stiller...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest Living Colour.

And starring Mel Gibson.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mel Gibson!

( music ends )

( applause, cheers )

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much for that. It’s great to be here.

Well, actually, it’s kind of weird to be here.

I’m not really accustomed to doing TV.

Uh, see, basically, I’m, um, a movie star. And, uh...

But that’s a great job, though, you know?

You travel around the world,

you work with beautiful women, you drive fast cars,

and they pay you ridiculous amounts of money.

And this is the good bit--

this part will really kill you--

I don’t have to work very hard.

And it’s fun. I do my own stunts.

If you see my character jump from a building, hey, that’s me.

And when you see me land, that’s-- that’s the stunt man. Yeah.

Now, before I was a movie star,

I had other jobs, you know-- low-paying, menial jobs.

And I can tell you the best job I ever had

was being a professional movie star.

Because, as a movie star, I get paid a ridiculous amount of money

and I don’t have to work that hard.

So... to sum it all up,

being a movie star-- high reward, low effort.

Now, for this show, I’m getting paid next to nothing,

and it’s been a tremendous amount of hard work,

so right away I know I don’t like television.

And, as I stand here, I realize that in a live broadcast like this,

something could go terribly wrong,

and I could end up alienating millions of movie-going patrons.

Basically, hosting Saturday Night Live is, for me--

high risk, low reward.

As opposed to movies, which is, once again, high reward, low effort.

And you may be wondering why I would jeopardize all that I’ve worked for.

Well, actually, it’s just fallen into my lap.

Uh-- is it because I want to stretch as an actor?

No, no, no, that would be work.

Is it because I really love comedy?

Well, no, not particularly.

So, why did I agree to host this show?

Because sometimes I just don’t think things through.

I mean, if someone calls and says, "Hey, you wanna host Saturday Night Live?"

I think, "Sure" without even considering

the potentially disastrous effect on my real job--

uh, movie star.

So, if tonight I should appear inadequate, ordinary, not larger-than-life,

or, which is worse, un-movie-star-like, just say to yourself,

"Hey, he might not be a great TV star,

but I just can’t wait to see him in Lethal Weapon 6."

Well, we’ve got a great show tonight.

Danny Glover is here. How’s that? He is.

( cheers, applause )

And I can tell you, because I talked to him,

that he feels pretty much the way I do about all this.

Living Colour is here. Hey. ( cheers )

So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Tales of Ribaldry.

Tonight-- "The Woodsman and the Lady."

Hello, and welcome to Tales of Ribaldry.

I’m your host, Evelyn Quince.

Tonight, I would like to share with you a naughty tale

of a lusty woodsman and a wanton lady,

and possibly a cuckolded husband.

Oh, it’s high ribaldry at its best!

And it’s about to start. Let’s watch.

Excuse me, Lady Cicily.

I’ve finished chopping the wood,

and if there won’t be anything else,

I’d like to go back to my cabin and take a cold bath.

You see, a vigorous wood chopping

always makes me feel hot and sweaty and bit randy.

Please, Woodsman, come in.

You see, my husband is in town and will be gone for several hours.

I’m quite alone.

There’s a few things you could... do for me.

Oh, my.

Our little story is unfolding quite nicely.

A handsome woodsman, and a beautiful lady,

with the husband conveniently in town.

Perhaps at the haberdashery,

being fitted for the cuckold’s horns? Yes!

Woodsman, could you open the window?

It’s suddenly very hot in here, and I need a breeze.

Certainly, my lady.

There you are, my lady.

Woodsman, you’ve ripped your shirt.

Oh! My face is crimson.

( giggles ) It appears we’re having a bawdy fest tonight.

Hmm... narrow in the waist, broad in the shoulders.

Much larger than my husband’s.

You’ll never fit any of his shirts.

Not to worry, my lady. I’ll just put on my coat.

Oh, Woodsman, would you mind helping me move that chest over there?

Certainly not, my lady.

It’s very heavy.

I’ll help you out, but first I’ll change into something more... appropriate.

Oh...!

Is he thinking what I’m thinking?

Well, it might have been naughty. Let’s find out.

Woodsman, you can push the chest, and I’ll pull.

Oh! Oh... oh!

Oh, oh, tonight’s tale is particularly naughty.

Lusty, bawdy, deliciously risque.

Rather, that is to say-- I’d say bordering on indecent-- a saucy, randy,

suggestively off-color tale of ribaldry!

Isn’t it?

I didn’t see a thing, my lady.

Thank you, Woodsman.

Now, would you help me light the chandelier?

My lady, may I be so bold as to speak freely?

Why, yes.

I mean, I could help you fix things around here all night.

And maybe during the course of the evening, my pants might fall down.

Or a mysterious draft might come through that window

and blow your skirt up over your head,

giving us brief but titillating glimpses of one another.

But what are we waiting for, eh?

I’m a very lusty woodsman, and you’re a wanton lady.

Hey, let’s just do it, eh? Let’s just have hot, passionate sex.

Oh, I’d like nothing more!

Oh, I don’t like this.

This is becoming less randy

and more sexually explicit at every moment.

Our once-bawdy tale is turning into a tawdry tale of pornography.

I don’t like it!

No, no, no, no, we’ll have none of this!

You’ve gone too far. You’ve ruined it for me!

( sobs )

Well, this tale is over, but you must admit

this was an especially ribald tale, wasn’t it?

Join me next week when a rakish yardsman meets a lascivious lady

whose husband is conveniently traveling in erotic Istanbul.

I’ll trust they behave themselves.

Until then, I’m Evelyn Quince.

Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye.

Sandwiches again?

( monotone voice ) You know we can’t afford steak on our income.

Why don’t you get a good-paying job?

You know I’ve been fired four times

and I can’t get a good job in this town.

What am I supposed to do?

Why don’t you enter the Exxon School of Supertanker Steering?

Yes, now you can earn good wages

and enter an exciting, challenging career

in Oil Supertanker piloting

by enrolling in The Exxon School

of Supertanker Steering.

You’ll be trained on the job

by real oil tanker captains,

and once you’ve completed the course,

Exxon will help you in job placement,

so that in as soon as six months

you could be behind the wheel

of the largest vehicle ever built by man.

There’s nothing like that feeling of power,

sailing these big babies through exotic waters,

as you earn up to $15 to $20 per hour.

Hi, hon, I’m home. What’s for dinner?

Sirloin steaks, dear--

now that you have graduated

from the Exxon School of Supertanker Steering.

So, if you think you’re ready

for an exciting new career

in the high-paying world of supertanker steering,

call this number now.

Approved for vets.

*

The following program is brought to you

by a grant from the Chubb Group.

Hello and welcome to The Anal Retentive Chef.

I’m Gene.

Today, we’re going to be making pepper steak.

Now, you’re going to need...

one large bell pepper,

three onions exactly two inches in diameter,

and 17 and a third ounces of lean beef cut into 43 pieces.

Okay, let’s get started.

Now, I’ve already cut up my bell pepper.

Look at this. Isn’t this nice?

See how all the pieces are the same size?

People try to tell you that the secret to pepper steak is the seasoning,

but we know different, don’t we? Uh-huh.

It’s getting all the pieces the same size.

That’s right. And that’s what I’ve done here.

They’re beauti-- uh-oh. All right, this one’s a little bigger than the rest,

so we’ll just discard that one.

And I don’t think this little wrinkly one belongs in here.

And this... well, I just don’t like the look of that one at all.

All right, let’s take that out-- as a matter of fact,

why don’t we just start over and throw this out?

And how do we throw things out?

Okay, we take our paper toweling.

Two pieces, unbroken.

Lay it out neatly, dump the refuse inside, arrange neatly.

Let’s take these little nasties we separated earlier,

put that back, fold over carefully,

making sure the corners are square.

And we take a piece of aluminum foil,

and we place our refuse onto the foil,

and fold over very carefully.

This way, it won’t leak onto the other garbage.

Aluminum foil is such a miracle product.

It’s really an extraordinary product.

All right, and then we take a brown paper sandwich bag...

place the refuse inside, and...

oh, now, this bag is torn. Well... no, that’s all right.

We’ll just fold over, and no one will see.

We’ll fold it over twice to be careful.

Then we get our tape.

And... we tape it shut,

being very careful to center the tape on the bag.

I like to keep my tape dispenser right here on the counter.

There we go. All ready for the trash.

Now, there’s some garbage you can live with. ( chuckles )

All right, I noticed some of you were admiring my tape dispenser cozy.

Isn’t that pretty? I made it myself out of toothpicks,

felt, plain old buckram, a couple of pearl buttons, and some eyelets.

Now, isn’t that better than looking at an old tape dispenser?

I think so. All right.

Let’s set this-- set this over here.

Okay, where were we? We were going to dice the bell pepper.

But-- oh, so we’re going to need our chopping block.

But we can’t put that down because there’s some water there from the bell pepper,

so let’s clean that up.

As a matter of fact,

this stovetop could use a lick and a promise while we’re at it.

So, how do we clean? Well, we take our bucket--

but first, let’s remove the food products.

Because we don’t want to get any caustic substances on the food, of course.

Place these neatly in the background.

This floor will be cleaned later.

Okay, so, we’re ready to clean.

And, oh, we’ve got our glove to protect us.

Oh, we don’t want to ruin our manicure.

And we’ve got a clean white cloth and abrasive cleanser.

None of that non-abrasive cleanser for us-- just good old-fashioned cleanser.

That’ll get us started. I think I’ll clean these cabinets while I’m at it.

And-- oh! Look at this.

Aluminum foil is filthy.

I’m going to have to replace that.

So, we might as well pull that up right now.

I don’t when I cleaned that up last. I’d hate to think.

And God knows what those mopboards look like.

But we start at the top and clean down, so as not to drip...

This has been Cooking With The Anal-Retentive Chef.

*

And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Well, good evening, and what can I tell ya?

Aril fool.

It was revealed this week that Benjamin Quayle,

the 12-year-old son of Vice President Dan Quayle,

who attends St. Albans prep, the poshest school in the nation’s capital,

found a cockroach in his chicken nuggets earlier this week.

Benjamin, who is played by Saturday Night Live’s Dana Carvey,

plucked the cockroach from the nugget and said, "Isn’t that special?"

So that’s why there’s two Xs in "Exxon". They slur their words.

Exxon, uh...

Exxon Valdez Captain Joseph Hazelwood’s blood alcohol level

measured 0.61 percent six hours after his ship hit a reef

off the coast of Alaska.

Though this level would prohibit the Captain from operating most vehicles,

he is still within the limit considered advisable

for a Bush Cabinet Secretary.

Hazelwood was relieved of his duties by Exxon yesterday.

Mr. Hazelwood said he plans to return to his former job

driving a cab in New York City.

And remember, kids, if you’re gonna go out drinking with your buddies,

make sure one of them is the designated supertanker driver.

The 11-million-gallon Exxon oil spill

is the biggest in U.S. history,

but there have been worse in the world.

Here are the top five oil spills of all time.

March 16th, 1978, Amoca Cadiz, France.

68.7 million gallons.

August 6th, 1978, Castillo de Bellver, South Africa.

78.5 million gallons.

February 4th, 1983, Nowruz Oil Field, Arab Gulf.

80 million gallons.

June 3rd, 1979, Ixtox, Mexico. 140 million gallons.

And the number one oil spill of all time--

Jerry Lewis’s hair, Labor Day 1988, Caesars Palace.

165 million gallons.

In reaction to the Exxon oil spill,

those two whales have returned inland

and are taking their chances with the ice.

As you know, we here at Weekend Update

often call upon prominent commentators to shed light on the events of the day.

One of the most distinguished ones we have is here tonight.

Please welcome Weekend Update correspondent Al Franken.

Hello, Al. Hi, Dennis. Thank you.

Thank you, Dennis.

Uh, actually, I didn’t expect to be here on Update tonight,

but on the way to the studio this afternoon,

I think I left my wallet in the taxi.

So, if anyone in New York City has found my wallet,

please send it to me.

Send it to Al Franken, care of NBC,

30 Rock, New York, New York, 10112. Thank you.

That’s it?

Well, you know, all my credit cards are in it,

pictures of my kids-- and I figure, you know,

a lot of people in New York watch the show,

so on the odd chance that whoever found the wallet is-- is watching,

maybe you’ll realize that most of it is really only of value to me,

and you’ll send me the wallet.

Just send it to me, Al Franken, NBC,

30 Rock, New York, New York, 10112.

Thank you. Thank you.

No, thank you, Dennis.

( applause ) Al Franken.

The warring nations of Iran and Iraq

decided to settle the whole thing this week

with a huge pillow fight at the Iraqi-Irani border.

Now, you kids go to bed!

If I have to come up there...

( audience laughs )

Sorry. I’ve been having these night sweats

since that Rob Lowe production number at the Oscars.

( chuckles )

Will I ever be able to forget?

Wednesday marked the 61st annual Oscar presentations, and, uh...

( laughs, applause )

Don’t feel bad for Felix, though,

because in a few months, we’ll be having the Tonys.

A disconsolate Glenn Close, friend of this show,

lost her fifth chance at the Best Actress Oscar on Wednesday night,

and in an insane rage, went backstage

and boiled Roger Rabbit to death.

In an Oscar aftermath, Disney’s Snow White is suing Oscar’s Snow White

for copyright infringement and unauthorized portrayal.

And in a related story, Gort, the robot from The Day The Earth Stood Still,

is suing the Oscar statue itself.

In a carefully worded statement, Gort said "Klaatu varada nikto",

which means "You like me! You really like me!"

Here now with commentary on the Middle East situation

is Weekend Update correspondent Tommy Flanagan.

Hi, Tommy. Hello.

Uh, hello.

My name is Tommy Flanagan, of Pathological Liars Anonymous.

And, uh, I recently received a letter asking where I’ve been.

Well, I’ve been... I’ve been, uh...

I’ve been very busy.

Yeah, in fact, just this morning, I was doing my wash

in-- in-- in Washington, D.C. Yeah.

Yeah, that’s the ticket. And I was sittin’ in the White House--

which I painted. Yeah.

With my, uh-- with my la-- my do-- my secretary, Barbara Bush.

Yeah. Who I’ve seen naked.

Yeah, I’ve seen her completely naked. In the buff.

Nude! And, uh--

and then I got cold, so I put on a robe.

Yeah.

Then the President himself walked in, and he asked me, "What are you doing?"

And I said, "I’m-- I’m-- I’m having a dangerous liaison."

Yeah, and he said, "Well, I could use a liaison myself."

"Yeah, Yasser Arafat, ’cause you’re both members of the P.L.O.--

yeah-- Pathological Liars Ononymous."

Then the phone rang, and it was the unemployment--

I mean, it was the p-- it was Donald Trump.

Yeah.

And he invited me to sail to Palestine on his yacht...

with his wife Ivana...

who-- who I-- I haven’t seen naked.

But believe me, Ivana.

So, we, uh-- we scooted on down to Egypt to pick up Arafat.

And I said, "Yasser?" He said, "Yessir?"

I said, "Yasser?" He said, "Stop it."

And then he hit me in the mouth.

He knocked out my front tooth.

So-- so that night, I put it under my pillow,

hopin’ I’d get a dollar from the Tooth Fairy.

When I woke up in the morning, I looked under my pillow.

What do you think was there?

Big puddle of drool. My mouth had been open all night.

Yeah. And next to it was the Tooth Fairy.

Yeah, and she had a dent in her wing.

Yeah, ’cause, uh, apparently my tooth still had a little bit of nerve in it,

and it bit her. Yeah.

Why, the nerve of that tooth.

( laughs )

I meant for you to groan. Yeah.

Anyway, you can-- you can read all about it in my-- in my new autobiography,

which I wrote under my pen name, yeah.

Uh... Sean Penn. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Yeah.

Tommy Flanagan.

Thanks, Tommy. ( applause )

Yeah. Thanks, Tom.

Don’t make it so long between visits, Tommy.

Nice to see you again. Thanks, Dennis.

Philippine President Cory Aquino changed her first name this week

because too many horrible kid actors in Hollywood are using it.

Uh-- Dennis, I found it.

It was in my other coat. I’m sorry.

Thanks, though.

Got it.

And a shipment of Cheez Whiz bound for the Soviet Union

has been found defective, and the FDA has rec-- what?

( chuckles ) Oh, chess whiz!

I was-- I’m sor-- sorry.

I just go too damn fast sometimes.

This is the new international symbol for "yes".

And it was announced in Mexico City this week

that Mexico’s President, Carlos Salinas de Gortari,

has enough room on his forehead for another face.

And tonight’s the night we go to Daylight Savings Time,

so move the expiration date on your condom ahead one hour.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

*

I’m Colleen Walsh, and I have a 10:00 appointment with the doctor.

I’m a new patient.

Take a number.

Take a number? Wow. Okay.

( phone rings )

Yes? No, I’m sorry, the doctor’s booked solid.

No, I wouldn’t advise just coming and waiting.

No, we never get a cancellation.

Boy, this doctor’s busy, huh?

Oh, yeah. ( chuckles )

I hope I don’t have to wait too long, or I know I’ll chicken out.

I hate going to the gynecologist, don’t you?

Not really.

Uh-- Miss Stevenson?

And now, another episode

of Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist.

Um, I hope you didn’t have to wait too long.

Oh, no, not at all, no. Come this way.

Oh.

I’d like to book my next appointment now, please.

That’s a good idea, Mrs. Scott.

Okay, the doctor should-- he should see you in six months--

No. Next week.

Please, Mrs. Scott. We go through this every time.

I need another breast exam.

You just had one.

I’m extremely cautious.

Okay, look-- September 4th, 9:00 AM.

Six months. Take it or leave it.

All right, all right.

Uh, ladies, I just-- Oh... Oh.

I just want to say I’m sorry I’m running a little late today.

Uh-- it seems I’m running late every day.

I just didn’t foresee the practice growing this quickly--

That’s okay. That’s okay. That’s all right.

No, that’s all right. That’s all right.

So, today I’ve added a new doctor-- Dr. Green.

Dr. Green here will be available for anybody who would like to see him,

and you can avoid the wait.

So, just feel free to give your name to, uh...

Thank you.

Next?

Well, I’ll, uh-- be in my office all afternoon.

Join us next week

for Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist.

Well... that’s about it.

( audience cheers )

I’d like to, uh-- to thank you all

for watching me-- what, me-- I mean us--

make total fools of ourselves on live television.

Total. Total.

I might say now that I’m no wealthier than when I started.

Um, and I’d like to thank Living Colour. They were fabulous.

( cheers, applause ) Give ’em a big hand.

And each and every one of you.

Bye!

Thank you.

*