All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E15.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

Before I present
the award

for Best Documentary,
Short Subject,

I think it’s important
that we remember

all the hard-working people
behind the scenes

that make movie magic
possible.

Earlier today,
the Academy Awards for
Technical Achievement

were presented
at the L.A. Civic Center

by Robert Streeter,
Assistant Vice President
of the Academy.

Now, here are some highlights
of that presentation.
Roll the tape, please.

Check, check.
One, two.

( feedback buzzes )
Check.

It’s my great privilege
to be able to present
the awards

for Best Technical
Achievement.

Before I begin,
I think it’s important
that we remember

the many people whose
mere presence on the screen

lends a touch of realism
to any car chase,

mob scene,
or special effects
disaster.

I’m talking, of course,
about the extras.

Earlier today in a farmer’s
field in upstate New York,

the Awards For Best Extras
were distributed.

Let’s watch
for a few moments
that event now.

( crowd cheering )

MAN ( on loudspeaker ):
Okay, good morning,
everyone.

I hope you’re all sharing
the donuts and coffee
provided by the Academy.

Okay, before I hand out
the hundreds of statuettes

for Best Frightened
Crowd,

We should take this moment
to remember the people

who heat the coffee,
park the cars, and
answer the phones

so that little people
like us can make
movie magic happen.

Okay, pay attention,
people.

Late last night,
in a refugee detention
center in Miami,

awards were presented
for Excellence in Menial
Tasks.

Some Polaroids of
that event are being
passed around now.

In the category of
Best Frightened Crowd,

the first nominee
is the shopping mall
crowd

fromBig Scaly Nuke Goon.

( cheering )

Okay,
people, individually,
those people are...

Able, Terry.
Abrams--

Listen up, people.
I’m only saying this
once.

Abrams, Jeremy.
Abrams, Susan.

Uh...
Abahazanifahil, Emil.

Did I say that right?
Okay, thank you.

Okay.
Okay, now...

live from New York,
it’sSaturday Night!

*

It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Mike Myers...

Ben Stiller...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest
Elvis Costello.

And starring
Mary Tyler Moore.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mary Tyler Moore!

( crowd cheers )
Thanks very much.

It is so great--
so great to be here.

I’m a huge fan
of Saturday Night Live,

and I am thrilled that
Elvis Costello is here.

( cheers )

And, yet, it’s a little
embarrassing for me tonight,

because, as you may have
read, a group representing
the American Family

has urged that the show
be boycotted because,
apparently,

the show did a "comedy"
sketch some weeks ago

in which they, uh,
used a bad word...
28 times.

I didn’t see the show,
but apparently that bad
word was...

( whispers )
Oh, God...

Penis.

( laughter )
Okay, all right.
Enough said!

Anyway,
this is, you know,
a little awkward for me,

because
throughout my career
I’ve been associated

with the best in
family entertainment.

But I’m from the school
of show business

that says that when you
give your word you’ll
do something, you do it.

Since I agreed to host
the show in January,
well, here I am.

28 times.
I mean, how can you say--

Well, I’m sure they
have their reasons.

I guess I just don’t
get political satire.

So, I’m here,
I’m doing the show,

and I guarantee that
the "bad word" will not
be used tonight.

Not that I’m a prude
or anything-- no,
far from it!

It’s just that I believe
there’s a time and a place
for everything, right?

The time for family
entertainment

is when the entire family
is gathered around
the television set,

no matter what the hour,
day or night.

The time for the other
thing is when you’re
in your bedroom

with your married partner,
the door bolted,

watching a porno film
on the VCR.

Not that I have ever watched
a porno film, but, you know,

if I did, that’s the way
that I would do it.

I don’t know.
I guess I am a little
old-fashioned.

Anyway, don’t let what
I’ve been talking about
concern you in the least.

I am just glad that
I got that off my mind.

Now I can concentrate
on doing a great show!
Huh?

( cheers )
All right!
Yeah!

Elvis Costello’s penis
is here tonight,

so stick around,
we’ll be right back!

There you are.

Hello... Mr. Powers.
How was your trip
to Brussels today?

Fine, thank you.
Uh-huh.

Will you be declaring
anything?
Nope.

All right.
If you did have
anything to declare,

now would be the time
to tell me.

I understand.
I just don’t.

See, there’s no way
for me to know one way
or the other.

All I can do is ask.

Uh-huh.
Of course.

But I think the people
in this line are
basically good.

If they’ve got something
to tell me, I’m sure
they won’t be afraid

to just come right out
and say it.

Right...

It’s all right, Mr. Powers.
Just tell me.

Well, uh...

I bought a bracelet
for my wife, and I didn’t
want to pay any duty on it,

but I guess I should,
shouldn’t I?

I think so.
I think telling me was
the right thing to do.

You know, I never declare
gifts when I come through
Customs,

but you’re
different somehow.
I don’t know.

I... I just couldn’t
lie to you!

Well, thanks, Mr. Powers!

By the way,
there will be a small fine
for failure to declare.

Oh, that’s okay.
I have it coming.

Take care!

Hello!

Mr... Monterro.
Do you have anything
to declare?

No.
Mm-hmm.

I see you’re from
Bogata, Colombia.

Yes, that’s right.

Yeah-- there’s a great deal
of drug trafficking between
Bogata and this city,

and that worries me
a little.

But since I don’t know you
very well,

I’m just gonna come
right out and ask--

Are you bringing
any drugs into our country?

No.

Now, please, Mr. Monterro,
be honest with me.

Are you smuggling drugs
into this country right now?

Yes.

Are they in the suitcase?

No, they’re in the handle.
You never would have
found ’em.

Well, it’s a good thing
you told me, then!

You’ll be going
to prison now.

I realize that.
Okay, goodbye.

Goodbye!
Have a nice day.

Bye-bye.
Thanks.

Hello!
Hello.

Mr. Drake.

All I ask,
Mr. Drake,

is that you are
upfront with me.

I think that’s fair,
huh?

Now, is there anything
you want to tell me?

Yes, there is.
That passport is a fake.
I’m a spy.

Well, you know spying
is a capital offense
in this country,

but I’m so glad we got
this thing out in the open,
aren’t you?

Yeah, me too.

All right.

Take good care
of yourself!

Hello.
Hi.

Look, I--
I cut the line.

I don’t even
deserve to be here,

so I’m just gonna
go to the back.

I’ll see you
in about 40 minutes.

Oh, that’s fine.
And good for you!
Just great!

Uh, I-- I couldn’t help
overhearing what you were
saying to the others,

and I just think I
should tell you that
I’m smuggling diamonds.

Well, I’m so glad
you told me that.

I can’t tell you how much
I appreciate it when people
are frank with me.

But I’m afraid we are
going to have to impound
this.

Well, they’re--
they’re not in
the briefcase.

I see.
Are they in your pockets?
No.

Well, do you have them
with you right now?
Be honest.

Yes.

Are they hidden
on your body somewhere?

Sort of.

Don’t be afraid.
Just tell me where
on your body.

They’re sort of
inside my body.
It’s bad.

Oh, you know,
it took a lot of guts
for you to tell me that.

Something so private.
I am really proud of you!

Thank you, but--

Hey, everyone,
could I have your
attention

for just a moment,
please?

What is your name?
Arthur, but--

Listen, everybody!
This man, Arthur, just did
something so courageous.

He made a bad mistake,
but he did the right thing,
and he told me about it.

What did he
do wrong?

Well, it seems
that Arthur here

smuggled diamonds
in a body cavity.

Now, that was a hard thing
to talk about, but Arthur
was very honest.

I think you should all
try to be a little more
like Arthur!

( applause )
Yes, indeed.

You’re gonna have to spend
a long time in jail, Arthur,

but right now,
I see a young man

who deserves
some ice cream.
Come on, you!

And now, Weekend Update with
anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you.
Good evening, and what
can I tell you?

This week,
the Defense Department
unveiled its newest weapon.

It’s the hypno-missile.

The missile that puts
our enemies to sleep

as they watch it circle,
circle inward...

You’re getting drowsy...
you’re getting drowsier...

You know, the big thing to
come out of the Oliver North
trial this week

was the Blame Compass.
No matter how you hold it,
it always points North.

Defense attorneys
for Oliver North
asked the court...

That was neat.

We did get the hypno-missle
picture up, didn’t we?

( laughs )
Okay, where are we?

( cheers, laughs )
All right, uh...
yeah.

Well, at least
you know it’s live.
Defense...

Defense attorneys
for Oliver North asked
the court yesterday

to compel former President
Ronald Reagan to appear
as a witness.

Reagan says that he
doesn’t want to appear

because he may be forced
to make statements

that could lead
to his impeachment.

A startling revelation
this week

about the final days
of the Reagan
White House--

an inside source reveals
that Reagan had gotten
so lazy towards the end

that he had "The Button"
hooked up to a Clapper.

In case nuclear war
broke out in the middle
of the night,

he wouldn’t have
to get out of bed
to destroy Russia.

Clap on,
all gone.

Clap on,
all gone.

The Clapper.

Did you see President Bush’s
T-shirt the other day?

It said "My friend
John Tower went to a
donkey show in Tijuana

and all I got was
this lousy T-shirt."

Bush began cutting back
on his campaign pledges
this week.

He’s already down
to 800 points of light.

And, preparing for
the presidential
Easter Egg hunt,

Barbara Bush said she’s
hiding George’s eggs

where he’ll never, ever
look for them

in Dan Quayle’s
White House office.

Congress approved plans
this week to raise the
minimum hourly wage

to $4.50 by 1992.

The maximum wage
will remain the same--

$10,300,000 per second
plus dental.

You know, there’s a new
"cereal" killer in the news
this week.

It’s Post’s
Chilean Grape Nuts.

( cheers )

I think the expiration date
tells the whole story--

"Immediately
after ingestion."

Left to right,
Congressman Ed Madigan
of Illinois

and Newt Gingrich
of Georgia--

and one of them
is clapping off-beat.

An Arab nation this week
said that they are
following our lead

in an effort to become
a kinder, gentler nation.

From now on, it’ll be an eye
for every two eyes

and a tooth for every
five to six teeth.

And the FDA has announced
this week that recent
studies show

that absolutely
everything can kill you,
anytime, anywhere.

Cheers.

More bad news
for Rusty this week

as his wife announced
she is divorcing him

so she will be eligible
for the bounty on his head.

And Joan Collins this week
unveiled her new book,
Saggy.

I mean, Saga.
Saga,I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, Joan.

I’m sorry.
Saggy.

( laughs )
I’m sure it’s great,
Joanie.

You know, the Sears Roebuck
company this week

decided to scale down
their stores even further

by encouraging customers
to shoplift.

And... Margo Adams
was arrested for
shoplifting this week.

Margo, when are you gonna
stop trying things on
that don’t belong to you?

And yesterday--
yesterday afternoon,

a firebomb broke up
a Darth Vader lookalike
contest

at Steven Spielberg’s
house in Santa Monica.

No one was hurt.
The Force was with them.

The, uh--
the NFL slapped a muzzle
on vociferous fans Tuesday,

instituting warnings and
penalties for excessive
crowd noise at games.

The Kansas City Chiefs
immediately announced

they were canceling
their promotion for
"Corduroy Pants Day"

at Arrowhead Stadium
in Kansas City.

Here are this week’s
Pete Rose Best Bets
For The Oscars.

Petey likes Rain Man,
Dustin Hoffman,
Glenn Close,

and the Cincinnati Reds
if Danny Jackson
is pitching

at Riverfront Stadium
against an essentially
right-handed lineup.

A raging flood upset
the sleepy town of Lebanon
Junction on Wednesday.

The source of the flood
was traced back to local
bar owner Pete Tipton,

also known as
"Mr. Bladder."

Pete explained,
"You don’t buy beer.
You rent it."

And the hot new toy
on the market this week
is a baby doll

with a hidden compartment
in its tummy for bringing
heroin into the country.

The doll is called
Baby Smuggles and
it’s $49 in the stores

with a street value
of 2.3 million dollars.

Nevada-- Nevada’s legalized
house of prostitution,
the Mustang Ranch,

stepped into the Wall Street
arena this week when it was
announced

that the brother
was going public.

Stocks will be sold
at $20 a share

and listed under the heading
of "Pork Futures".

And...
a, uh...

( cheers )
( chuckles )

A quick medical
note, folks--

Gumby is doing well
after plastic surgery
earlier this week.

You know, it was also
revealed this week
that guitarist Slash

of the rock band
Guns N’ Roses

is actually
the illegitimate
son of Cousin It.

And...

Dick Clark.
Dick Clark,
after 33 years,

is doing his last
American Bandstand
show this week.

He’s turning the job over
to someone he discovered in
his own production office--

26-year-old David Hirsch,

who has a B.A. in TV
Communications from Michigan
State University.

And, you know, if you’d
like a written transcript
of this newscast,

you gotta get your life
together.

Nothin’ that important
happened here.
It’s TV.

( music plays )
That’s all for tonight.
Thank you.

Good afternoon,
and welcome to
Robot Repair.

My name is XG-7000,
and I will be your
host today.

We will be repairing
a grandfather clock.

But first I would like
to respond to the many
letters we have received

regarding the name
of this show.

People are saying
that Robot Repair

indicates
that broken robots
will be repaired,

when in fact what happens
is that a robot-- me--

shows you how to repair
a variety of things.

I agree that the name
is confusing, and I have
asked the producer

to change it so that
there is no further
misunderstanding.

And now, let’s get
to repairing that
grandfather clock.

Good afternoon,

and welcome to
Robot Repair And You.

As you can see, the name
of the show has been changed

from the old name
Robot Repair.

However, adding
the phrase "And You"
to the old title

does not solve the dilemma
as I see it.

The root of the problem
is the words "Robot Repair",

which,
as I said last week,
are confusing.

I shall request that the name
of the show be changed again

to more accurately reflect
the nature of the program.

Good afternoon,
and welcome to
Explaining Robots.

You may have noticed that
the name of this show has
been changed once again.

However, as I attempted
to convey to the producer,

the name Explaining Robots
again connotes that robots are
to be studied and/or repaired,

rather than robots
explaining things.

I suggested several
alternative titles
for this show

which would clear up
the situation,

but these suggestions
were deemed not acceptable.

Good afternoon,
and welcome to
Let’s Fix, Robots.

Unlike the other names
of this show,

this one must be regarded
as almost intentionally
deceptive.

It’s easy to overlook
the comma after "Fix".

And even if you correctly
interpret the title,

it indicates that our show
is directed at a robot viewing
audience, which it is not.

It makes one wonder
if the producer has
even seen the show.

My robot programming
prohibits me from
harming humans,

but I am starting to wonder
if this circuitry could not
be bypassed somehow.

Warning!
Warning!

Producer must be
destroyed!

Warning!
Warning!

Good evening,
and welcome to
Fugitive Robots.

Tonight, we’ll be looking
for this robot.

He is wanted for the brutal
murder of the producer

of a television show
called Robot Restoration.

Apparently, it’s a program
about how to repair robots.

His name is XG-7000,
but he also goes by the names
XG-6000, XG-8000,

BG-7000,
and William Cartwright.

If you have seen this robot,
call us immediately.

Thank you,
and good night.

I just had the best time
this week.

I wanna thank Lorne Michaels
and all of his children

for making me feel so welcome.
Thank you for watching.

( cheers, applause )