Original subtitles

Before I present the award

for Best Documentary, Short Subject,

I think it’s important that we remember

all the hard-working people behind the scenes

that make movie magic possible.

Earlier today, the Academy Awards for Technical Achievement

were presented at the L.A. Civic Center

by Robert Streeter, Assistant Vice President of the Academy.

Now, here are some highlights of that presentation. Roll the tape, please.

Check, check. One, two.

( feedback buzzes ) Check.

It’s my great privilege to be able to present the awards

for Best Technical Achievement.

Before I begin, I think it’s important that we remember

the many people whose mere presence on the screen

lends a touch of realism to any car chase,

mob scene, or special effects disaster.

I’m talking, of course, about the extras.

Earlier today in a farmer’s field in upstate New York,

the Awards For Best Extras were distributed.

Let’s watch for a few moments that event now.

( crowd cheering )

MAN ( on loudspeaker ): Okay, good morning, everyone.

I hope you’re all sharing the donuts and coffee provided by the Academy.

Okay, before I hand out the hundreds of statuettes

for Best Frightened Crowd,

We should take this moment to remember the people

who heat the coffee, park the cars, and answer the phones

so that little people like us can make movie magic happen.

Okay, pay attention, people.

Late last night, in a refugee detention center in Miami,

awards were presented for Excellence in Menial Tasks.

Some Polaroids of that event are being passed around now.

In the category of Best Frightened Crowd,

the first nominee is the shopping mall crowd

fromBig Scaly Nuke Goon.

( cheering )

Okay, people, individually, those people are...

Able, Terry. Abrams--

Listen up, people. I’m only saying this once.

Abrams, Jeremy. Abrams, Susan.

Uh... Abahazanifahil, Emil.

Did I say that right? Okay, thank you.

Okay. Okay, now...

live from New York, it’sSaturday Night!

*

It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Mike Myers...

Ben Stiller...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest Elvis Costello.

And starring Mary Tyler Moore.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mary Tyler Moore!

( crowd cheers ) Thanks very much.

It is so great-- so great to be here.

I’m a huge fan of Saturday Night Live,

and I am thrilled that Elvis Costello is here.

( cheers )

And, yet, it’s a little embarrassing for me tonight,

because, as you may have read, a group representing the American Family

has urged that the show be boycotted because, apparently,

the show did a "comedy" sketch some weeks ago

in which they, uh, used a bad word... 28 times.

I didn’t see the show, but apparently that bad word was...

( whispers ) Oh, God...

Penis.

( laughter ) Okay, all right. Enough said!

Anyway, this is, you know, a little awkward for me,

because throughout my career I’ve been associated

with the best in family entertainment.

But I’m from the school of show business

that says that when you give your word you’ll do something, you do it.

Since I agreed to host the show in January, well, here I am.

28 times. I mean, how can you say--

Well, I’m sure they have their reasons.

I guess I just don’t get political satire.

So, I’m here, I’m doing the show,

and I guarantee that the "bad word" will not be used tonight.

Not that I’m a prude or anything-- no, far from it!

It’s just that I believe there’s a time and a place for everything, right?

The time for family entertainment

is when the entire family is gathered around the television set,

no matter what the hour, day or night.

The time for the other thing is when you’re in your bedroom

with your married partner, the door bolted,

watching a porno film on the VCR.

Not that I have ever watched a porno film, but, you know,

if I did, that’s the way that I would do it.

I don’t know. I guess I am a little old-fashioned.

Anyway, don’t let what I’ve been talking about concern you in the least.

I am just glad that I got that off my mind.

Now I can concentrate on doing a great show! Huh?

( cheers ) All right! Yeah!

Elvis Costello’s penis is here tonight,

so stick around, we’ll be right back!

There you are.

Hello... Mr. Powers. How was your trip to Brussels today?

Fine, thank you. Uh-huh.

Will you be declaring anything? Nope.

All right. If you did have anything to declare,

now would be the time to tell me.

I understand. I just don’t.

See, there’s no way for me to know one way or the other.

All I can do is ask.

Uh-huh. Of course.

But I think the people in this line are basically good.

If they’ve got something to tell me, I’m sure they won’t be afraid

to just come right out and say it.

Right...

It’s all right, Mr. Powers. Just tell me.

Well, uh...

I bought a bracelet for my wife, and I didn’t want to pay any duty on it,

but I guess I should, shouldn’t I?

I think so. I think telling me was the right thing to do.

You know, I never declare gifts when I come through Customs,

but you’re different somehow. I don’t know.

I... I just couldn’t lie to you!

Well, thanks, Mr. Powers!

By the way, there will be a small fine for failure to declare.

Oh, that’s okay. I have it coming.

Take care!

Hello!

Mr... Monterro. Do you have anything to declare?

No. Mm-hmm.

I see you’re from Bogata, Colombia.

Yes, that’s right.

Yeah-- there’s a great deal of drug trafficking between Bogata and this city,

and that worries me a little.

But since I don’t know you very well,

I’m just gonna come right out and ask--

Are you bringing any drugs into our country?

No.

Now, please, Mr. Monterro, be honest with me.

Are you smuggling drugs into this country right now?

Yes.

Are they in the suitcase?

No, they’re in the handle. You never would have found ’em.

Well, it’s a good thing you told me, then!

You’ll be going to prison now.

I realize that. Okay, goodbye.

Goodbye! Have a nice day.

Bye-bye. Thanks.

Hello! Hello.

Mr. Drake.

All I ask, Mr. Drake,

is that you are upfront with me.

I think that’s fair, huh?

Now, is there anything you want to tell me?

Yes, there is. That passport is a fake. I’m a spy.

Well, you know spying is a capital offense in this country,

but I’m so glad we got this thing out in the open, aren’t you?

Yeah, me too.

All right.

Take good care of yourself!

Hello. Hi.

Look, I-- I cut the line.

I don’t even deserve to be here,

so I’m just gonna go to the back.

I’ll see you in about 40 minutes.

Oh, that’s fine. And good for you! Just great!

Uh, I-- I couldn’t help overhearing what you were saying to the others,

and I just think I should tell you that I’m smuggling diamonds.

Well, I’m so glad you told me that.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it when people are frank with me.

But I’m afraid we are going to have to impound this.

Well, they’re-- they’re not in the briefcase.

I see. Are they in your pockets? No.

Well, do you have them with you right now? Be honest.

Yes.

Are they hidden on your body somewhere?

Sort of.

Don’t be afraid. Just tell me where on your body.

They’re sort of inside my body. It’s bad.

Oh, you know, it took a lot of guts for you to tell me that.

Something so private. I am really proud of you!

Thank you, but--

Hey, everyone, could I have your attention

for just a moment, please?

What is your name? Arthur, but--

Listen, everybody! This man, Arthur, just did something so courageous.

He made a bad mistake, but he did the right thing, and he told me about it.

What did he do wrong?

Well, it seems that Arthur here

smuggled diamonds in a body cavity.

Now, that was a hard thing to talk about, but Arthur was very honest.

I think you should all try to be a little more like Arthur!

( applause ) Yes, indeed.

You’re gonna have to spend a long time in jail, Arthur,

but right now, I see a young man

who deserves some ice cream. Come on, you!

And now, Weekend Update with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

This week, the Defense Department unveiled its newest weapon.

It’s the hypno-missile.

The missile that puts our enemies to sleep

as they watch it circle, circle inward...

You’re getting drowsy... you’re getting drowsier...

You know, the big thing to come out of the Oliver North trial this week

was the Blame Compass. No matter how you hold it, it always points North.

Defense attorneys for Oliver North asked the court...

That was neat.

We did get the hypno-missle picture up, didn’t we?

( laughs ) Okay, where are we?

( cheers, laughs ) All right, uh... yeah.

Well, at least you know it’s live. Defense...

Defense attorneys for Oliver North asked the court yesterday

to compel former President Ronald Reagan to appear as a witness.

Reagan says that he doesn’t want to appear

because he may be forced to make statements

that could lead to his impeachment.

A startling revelation this week

about the final days of the Reagan White House--

an inside source reveals that Reagan had gotten so lazy towards the end

that he had "The Button" hooked up to a Clapper.

In case nuclear war broke out in the middle of the night,

he wouldn’t have to get out of bed to destroy Russia.

Clap on, all gone.

Clap on, all gone.

The Clapper.

Did you see President Bush’s T-shirt the other day?

It said "My friend John Tower went to a donkey show in Tijuana

and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

Bush began cutting back on his campaign pledges this week.

He’s already down to 800 points of light.

And, preparing for the presidential Easter Egg hunt,

Barbara Bush said she’s hiding George’s eggs

where he’ll never, ever look for them

in Dan Quayle’s White House office.

Congress approved plans this week to raise the minimum hourly wage

to $4.50 by 1992.

The maximum wage will remain the same--

$10,300,000 per second plus dental.

You know, there’s a new "cereal" killer in the news this week.

It’s Post’s Chilean Grape Nuts.

( cheers )

I think the expiration date tells the whole story--

"Immediately after ingestion."

Left to right, Congressman Ed Madigan of Illinois

and Newt Gingrich of Georgia--

and one of them is clapping off-beat.

An Arab nation this week said that they are following our lead

in an effort to become a kinder, gentler nation.

From now on, it’ll be an eye for every two eyes

and a tooth for every five to six teeth.

And the FDA has announced this week that recent studies show

that absolutely everything can kill you, anytime, anywhere.

Cheers.

More bad news for Rusty this week

as his wife announced she is divorcing him

so she will be eligible for the bounty on his head.

And Joan Collins this week unveiled her new book, Saggy.

I mean, Saga. Saga,I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Joan.

I’m sorry. Saggy.

( laughs ) I’m sure it’s great, Joanie.

You know, the Sears Roebuck company this week

decided to scale down their stores even further

by encouraging customers to shoplift.

And... Margo Adams was arrested for shoplifting this week.

Margo, when are you gonna stop trying things on that don’t belong to you?

And yesterday-- yesterday afternoon,

a firebomb broke up a Darth Vader lookalike contest

at Steven Spielberg’s house in Santa Monica.

No one was hurt. The Force was with them.

The, uh-- the NFL slapped a muzzle on vociferous fans Tuesday,

instituting warnings and penalties for excessive crowd noise at games.

The Kansas City Chiefs immediately announced

they were canceling their promotion for "Corduroy Pants Day"

at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City.

Here are this week’s Pete Rose Best Bets For The Oscars.

Petey likes Rain Man, Dustin Hoffman, Glenn Close,

and the Cincinnati Reds if Danny Jackson is pitching

at Riverfront Stadium against an essentially right-handed lineup.

A raging flood upset the sleepy town of Lebanon Junction on Wednesday.

The source of the flood was traced back to local bar owner Pete Tipton,

also known as "Mr. Bladder."

Pete explained, "You don’t buy beer. You rent it."

And the hot new toy on the market this week is a baby doll

with a hidden compartment in its tummy for bringing heroin into the country.

The doll is called Baby Smuggles and it’s $49 in the stores

with a street value of 2.3 million dollars.

Nevada-- Nevada’s legalized house of prostitution, the Mustang Ranch,

stepped into the Wall Street arena this week when it was announced

that the brother was going public.

Stocks will be sold at $20 a share

and listed under the heading of "Pork Futures".

And... a, uh...

( cheers ) ( chuckles )

A quick medical note, folks--

Gumby is doing well after plastic surgery earlier this week.

You know, it was also revealed this week that guitarist Slash

of the rock band Guns N’ Roses

is actually the illegitimate son of Cousin It.

And...

Dick Clark. Dick Clark, after 33 years,

is doing his last American Bandstand show this week.

He’s turning the job over to someone he discovered in his own production office--

26-year-old David Hirsch,

who has a B.A. in TV Communications from Michigan State University.

And, you know, if you’d like a written transcript of this newscast,

you gotta get your life together.

Nothin’ that important happened here. It’s TV.

( music plays ) That’s all for tonight. Thank you.

Good afternoon, and welcome to Robot Repair.

My name is XG-7000, and I will be your host today.

We will be repairing a grandfather clock.

But first I would like to respond to the many letters we have received

regarding the name of this show.

People are saying that Robot Repair

indicates that broken robots will be repaired,

when in fact what happens is that a robot-- me--

shows you how to repair a variety of things.

I agree that the name is confusing, and I have asked the producer

to change it so that there is no further misunderstanding.

And now, let’s get to repairing that grandfather clock.

Good afternoon,

and welcome to Robot Repair And You.

As you can see, the name of the show has been changed

from the old name Robot Repair.

However, adding the phrase "And You" to the old title

does not solve the dilemma as I see it.

The root of the problem is the words "Robot Repair",

which, as I said last week, are confusing.

I shall request that the name of the show be changed again

to more accurately reflect the nature of the program.

Good afternoon, and welcome to Explaining Robots.

You may have noticed that the name of this show has been changed once again.

However, as I attempted to convey to the producer,

the name Explaining Robots again connotes that robots are to be studied and/or repaired,

rather than robots explaining things.

I suggested several alternative titles for this show

which would clear up the situation,

but these suggestions were deemed not acceptable.

Good afternoon, and welcome to Let’s Fix, Robots.

Unlike the other names of this show,

this one must be regarded as almost intentionally deceptive.

It’s easy to overlook the comma after "Fix".

And even if you correctly interpret the title,

it indicates that our show is directed at a robot viewing audience, which it is not.

It makes one wonder if the producer has even seen the show.

My robot programming prohibits me from harming humans,

but I am starting to wonder if this circuitry could not be bypassed somehow.

Warning! Warning!

Producer must be destroyed!

Warning! Warning!

Good evening, and welcome to Fugitive Robots.

Tonight, we’ll be looking for this robot.

He is wanted for the brutal murder of the producer

of a television show called Robot Restoration.

Apparently, it’s a program about how to repair robots.

His name is XG-7000, but he also goes by the names XG-6000, XG-8000,

BG-7000, and William Cartwright.

If you have seen this robot, call us immediately.

Thank you, and good night.

I just had the best time this week.

I wanna thank Lorne Michaels and all of his children

for making me feel so welcome. Thank you for watching.

( cheers, applause )