Original subtitles

( gunshots )

Well, in hindsight,

we probably shouldn’t have caved in on that first book.

But I don’t think it would’ve made a difference.

This was inevitable.

I don’t know, maybe not.

Maybe if we had defied the Ayatollah’s threats right from the start,

the right-to-lifers, the Colombians, and the IRA

wouldn’t have gotten the same idea.

MAN: Incoming! ( explosion echoes )

Okay, will this be cash or charge?

Well, I’m gonna charge it, but there’s--

there’s-- there’s still a book that I can’t find.

Can someone help me? Oh, gosh, I don’t know.

Well, it’s an expensive hardcover coffee table book.

Okay, okay, we’ll get someone. Okay.

What’s the name of that new stock boy?

We’ve been through so many lately, I’m losin’ track!

Well, I-- it’s Flankman, I think. Bernie Flankman.

God, you know, you’re so cold, Ed.

Would stock boy Flankman

please report to the cashier bunker for customer assistance?

We’ll provide cover!

Stay down.

Okay, Flankman, go, go, go!

( guns firing )

Boss, what is it? What? What?

You all right, Flankman?

Of course he’s all right.

He’s a bookseller!

Help this lady, Flankman. She can’t find a book.

What book? What, what?

Well, it’s about this big, and it’s blue,

and I think it’s called American Crochet or something like that.

Oh, we haven’t got it!

You’re lying! No, no, it’s outta stock!

Bull! Okay! Okay, we got it!

It’s out front! There’s five of ’em where the window used to be!

But I can’t go out there. Not for a crochet book!

Not for $4.50 an hour. You can’t make me go out!

Shut up, shut up! Ed! Ed, stop it!

Leave him alone, I tell ya! ( sobs )

All he wanted to do was get a job around books!

Now he has to wade knee-deep in gore

just to set up the Stephen King display.

He’s had enough! Can’t you see that?

Why should I be slighted because I want to buy a crochet book

instead of Proust? You’re right, lady.

I’ll get your damn book.

Read it in lead, you book-burning bastards!

( guns firing )

I-- I-- I don’t get him.

What is it? What? What?

You know, it’s a funny thing about Ed.

This could be a liquor store or a hardware store.

It’s all the same to him. I don’t even think he reads.

My God, I think he’s gonna make it.

Come on! Come on, you son of a bitch!

I’ll put it in the bag! Come on, Ed!

It’s a sale! Come on! Come on!

( shots fire ) Aaah! No, no!

Jeepers.

Oh, Ed, you magnificent bastard.

Gee, Mister, I’m so sorry, but I got my book.

It’s beautiful!

You’re gonna be okay, Ed. Maybe...

maybe... What? What is it, Ed?

maybe we sell only Muslim books.

Only Muslim. Ayatollah birthday sale.

What? What?

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band...

Musical guest, the Gipsy Kings.

And starring Glenn Close.

Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Close!

( music ends )

( cheers, applause ) Thank you.

Thank you, thank you! Wow, this is great.

Oh, boy. Well, this is really exciting for me.

( cheers ) ( laughs ) Thanks!

I’m really excited. I’m really happy to be here,

working with these incredible people.

Um, but this part, the monologue,

is something I’ve really been dreading--

um, I’ve been dreading all week, you see,

because I always think of my Mom, and my Mom always says,

"Just don’t talk about yourself.

It’s rude to talk about yourself, especially in public."

So, you know, I’ve never felt comfortable doing it.

I don’t feel comfortable now.

In fact, I think I’ve already told you too much about myself.

But... ( chuckles )

But since, you know, at this point in the show,

I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more,

I’ve asked one of my closest friends

who knows me really well

to come out and talk about me for me.

So, ladies and gentlemen,

I’m thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today,

my dear friend William Hurt.

( cheers )

( chuckles )

Thank you.

Um, there isn’t much time,

and there’s a lot-- a lot to cover, so let’s get started.

I’ve known Glenn for more a decade.

She is one of my closest friends

and probably the person I most admire.

Complicated? Yes.

Demanding? True.

Difficult? At times.

Temperamental? Oh, yes.

Hard to take over a long period of time?

Not to me.

Whether she’s right for the part or not,

Glenn always gets the job done.

She proves the truth of the saying

"Acting is 10% talent and 90% plain old hard work."

And no one outworks Glenn Close.

The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night.

Always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.

Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself,

but in her 15 years as an actress,

she has never missed a single day of work due to illness.

In the theater and motion pictures,

Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic,

non-comedic roles.

And made each, in her yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own.

Obviously, I’m a friend of Glenn’s, so I’m prejudiced,

but I would place her in the top four or five actresses

working today in film and stage in America...

in her age group...

in non-comedic dramatic roles.

And, of those four or five, easily the hardest-working.

Glenn Close is not just America’s hardest-working actress,

she’s-- she’s also my friend.

( applause )

Thanks, Bill.

Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?

Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show.

Oh.

Well, stick around.

We have the Gipsy Kings, and I’ll be right back!

It’s your turn again.

I wish we had something fun to play with.

Rarr!

* Here he comes, from the frozen North *

* Big Red! (Big Red) *

* A mighty man from the land of Thor *

* Big Red! (Big Red) *

* (Big Red) Big Red! *

* You pour in the goop in the helmet thing *

* But you better watch out *

* When you pull the string *

* Big Red! (Big Red) *

* Big Red! (Big Red) *

* Big Red! *

* He’s big, big, big *

* And he’s red, red, red *

* And that’s how he got to earn the name *

* Big Red! (Big Red) *

* Big Red! (Big Red) *

* Big Red! *

( laughs )

Big Red by Bleego,

makers of Termite Town.

Clean-up kit sold separately.

* Big Red *

So, I was the only one in the office who didn’t get a raise,

and I didn’t complain to Mr. Kelleher.

Your boss? Yeah.

Oh. And I think it’s because...

I’m afraid of people’s anger.

Monica, you smiled. Why?

Louise, you have made so much progress.

And how does that make you feel about Louise?

It makes me like you. I care about you.

I think that’s what we call a "warm fuzzy".

Brad?

How was your week?

One time. I left my apartment one time.

Now, is that including this session? Uh-huh.

So, you didn’t leave your apartment except to come here. Uh-huh.

So, you’ve regressed.

Uh-huh.

How does that make people feel about Brad?

Peter?

Well, it makes me feel like he’s pathetic.

That’s honest. That’s honest.

It makes-- it makes me care about Brad.

Brad, I care about you.

Okay. ( chuckles )

Good, good.

All right, we still have a few minutes.

Alex, you’ve been kinda quiet over there. How was your week?

Well...

( laughs, applause )

You know that guy I’ve been obsessed with?

Well, I finally got up the courage to throw acid on his car.

Uh-huh.

You see... he needs me.

And, well, I spied on his family the other night.

I was watching them through the window, him and his...

wife. ( scoffs )

And, uh, their little girl.

He’d just bought her a little rabbit,

and, you know, it just made me sick to my stomach.

So, anyway, the next afternoon I went to the little girl’s school,

and I pretended I was a family friend,

and I took her out of school and I drove her to an amusement park.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Well...

Well, how does that make people feel? Louise?

How do you feel about Alex kidnapping the child

and taking her to the amusement park?

Um, it-- it sounds like you had a really fun time.

( chuckles nervously )

Brad? Can I go home now, please?

Monica?

I care about Alex. Good.

Good, Monica, good. Alex, did you hear that?

I boiled the rabbit.

I would very much like to go home now.

Hang in, Brad. Hang in.

How do people feel about Alex boiling the bunny?

Well, I have a question. Well, no, two questions.

Didn’t you tell us last week

that Dan pretty much said he never wanted to see you again?

( scoffs ) Well... Then why did you boil the bunny?

Dan loves me. I mean, don’t you see?

It’s his wife. She doesn’t want him to see me.

She has brainwashed him,

and he had to be reminded that I exist.

I mean, I exist. I really exist!

Louise?

I think you exist.

Peter, you still seem a little troubled.

Well, I... it’s just that...

well, look, I’ve never met the guy,

but I just get the feeling that Dan regrets

ever having the one-night sta-- one-night stand.

I mean, he’s sorry that you slit your wrists,

and he feels bad that you’re carrying his child,

but I think maybe he just wants to go back

to his family and get on with his life.

And maybe you’re just not takin’ the hint.

Or maybe not.

Can I say something? I’d like to risk something.

Good, good. ( clears throat ) Alex...

I really care about you. I like you.

But sometimes,

I have this fear that you’re going to find out where I live

and come late at night and assault me.

Uh-huh. Does anyone else feel that way?

Well... good.

Good. That’s honest. That’s honest.

Alex, how does that make you feel?

Why would I assault you?

I love you.

Did everyone hear that? Does that make everyone feel better?

Brad? ( nervously ) Huh?!

Okay, good. Good.

All right, look, it’s, uh, 9:30,

so I guess we’ll see you next week. Good work.

Listen, I forgot to bring my checkbook.

Can you cover for me? Well...

Okay. Okay.

Is anyone going for coffee?

That’s good, Alex.

As I said before, coffee is not mandatory,

but it’s a good idea.

Uh, I gotta get up early. Me too.

I’ve got a long day tomorrow. I miss my home.

Hey, can you give me a lift home? Well, I...

okay. Okay.

Thanks, Alex. Oh, Alex...

( clears throat ) I have to admit, I’m a little concerned

about your problem with this man.

I know it’s been goin’ on for some time now.

Yeah, well...

I’m gonna go up to his house again tonight,

and I’m going to... explain things to his wife,

and... settle it.

Well, good, good. That’s really good.

Well, then, have a good weekend.

Oh, and Alex...

I’m awfully proud of you.

*

And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell ya?

This week, the Ayatollah issued a more extensive list

of people he wants killed and the prices on their heads.

Librarians who release The Satanic Versesbook-- $61.07.

Muslim comedians or mimes-- $200.

Anyone telling Ayatolla knock-knock jokes-- $1,250.

John Tower, Muslim womanizer-- $5,000.

Schools using Muslims as their mascots-- $15,000.

Harry Caray, for pronouncing the Ayatollah’s name backward

during a Cub broadcast-- $35,000.

Photographers who photograph the Ayatollah

and Madonna together-- $300,000.

Children who sit on the Ayatollah’s lap

and tug on his beard-- $550,000.

Vatican member responsible for having pizzas delivered

to the Ayatollah’s tent-- $925,000.

Americans who drive taxis in Iran-- one million dollars.

And Dan Quayle for phoning the Ayatollah

and asking for an autographed copy of the book--

2.9 million dollars.

And British publisher Robert Maxwell

has pledged 10.6 million dollars to anyone

who can "civilize" Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini.

The gauntlet was picked up by one Henry Higgins,

well-known London linguist and sociologist

who predicts within a year he’ll have Khomeini at the Ascot Race Track,

saying "The rain in Iran falls mainly in Iraq."

( clears throat ) He’s not only the hair club president,

he’s also a well-disguised member.

And...

The 13-hour funeral for Emperor Hirohito

took place yesterday, and at one point,

our cameras revealed the unusual coffin that is part

of the traditional "Land of the Rising Sony" burial ceremony.

One of the Hirohito funeral rituals

required President and Mrs. Bush to jump over these ropes.

This-- this jump was actually performed

by the White House stunt couple,

who used to replace the Reagans

whenever they had to do anything physical in public.

Bucket man lives! Bucket man lives! Run for your life!

And TV schlock show Inside Edition

angered many viewers this week when it gave a forum and speaking time

to convicted assassin Sirhan Sirhan

and convicted child killer Joel Steinberg.

You know who’s gotta feel the worst about this

is former Inside Edition anchor David Frost,

who was let go last week because the producers

didn’t think he was likeable enough.

You know, the last vestige of the Ronald Reagan White House years

was removed yesterday when workmen dismantled the secret pipeline

that connected the Oval Office

with the Grecian Formula 16 factory in Baltimore, Maryland.

And Oliver North’s trial will finally get underway next week after delays,

including the prolonged jury-selection process

to find 12 jurors who had no preconceptions about Oliver North.

You know, this is what’s wrong with the American legal system.

The entire system of jurisprudence is based on the premise of trial by jury,

and the only way you can get on a jury is if you prove beyond a shadow of a doubt

that you know nothing about the case you’re about to try.

Consequently, we have people’s lives being determined

by 12 people in a room whose main goal in life is to wrap it up

and get home in time to watch Alicereruns on the Superstation

because they think Flo is a real hoot.

And now, once again I present a man

for whom I would willingly lay down my life--

the guiding light of my existence, A. Whitney Brown,

with the Big Picture. Whitney?

Thank you, Dennis. Thank you.

Well, my friends, once again,

religious fanaticism is showing its true colors.

And when you put it into the Big Picture,

you can see dung heaps of intolerance

piling up in dogmatic kennels all over the world.

So, instead of trying to pluck the mote of hypocrisy

out of our Muslim brother’s eye,

let’s take one of the logs out of our own

and put it through the buzz saw of the Big Picture.

Now, I happen to know we have some pretty wild-eyed religious cults here at home,

because I was raised by one-- the Baptists.

Now, their basic theology is,

that if you hold someone under water long enough,

he’ll come around to your way of thinking.

Bobbing for Baptists, they call it.

Now, I finally left the church,

but they got even with me-- oh, yeah.

They sent my address to the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Five of them showed up--

tried to gang-save me in my own living room.

But all fundamentalists-- Shiites, Munnis, or Mormons--

share the same belief that you should live your life devoid of pleasure

so you can go to heaven when it’s over.

Which is basically like keeping your eyes shut through a movie

in the hopes that you’ll get your money back at the end.

Now, here in America, we keep the home fires

of religious intolerance burning

by torching abortion clinics.

And it seems to me a little ironic

that those most militant about the rights of the unborn

are those that’ve been born again.

And now...

the President wants the Supreme Court

to overturn Roe versus Wade.

Now, we can safely assume the Vice President’s thoughts are pretty much the same.

Although not as frequent... or as fully formed.

In fact, according to the Washington Post,

Dan Quayle thought Roe versus Wade

were alternative ways to cross the Potomac.

Now... ( applause )

As for me, I don’t think there’s any way to know

if you have any rights before you’re born,

but I do know that being born again

doesn’t entitle you to twice as many.

So, if any of this has been blasphemy to you,

then good, because it’s been a blast for me, too.

And that, my friends, is the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney Brown!

Dennis, thank you.

Whitney Brown, folks.

Thank you. Thank you, Whitney.

A New York state senator

has blasted the recently concluded so-called Sexuality Week

at the state university in Albany,

saying that such events as the "Condom Dance"

had "turned the school into a center of carnal knowledge."

The senator went on to say, "I remember the old days

when a man was a man and a condom dance was a sock hop."

Biologists are worried that radio tracking devices

are harming rare owls in the Northwest.

They’ve been able to tell this

by hearing the owls now saying, "What? What?"

And after a lengthy legal battle,

Rock Hudson’s former lover Mark Christian

was finally awarded 21 million dollars in damages

for having been unwittingly exposed to the AIDS virus.

When asked how he felt now about Hudson,

Mr. Christian replied, "That bastard.

"If I had a dollar for every time...

Hey, wait a second, I do."

Christian, um... ( applause )

Christian said if he doesn’t get his money,

he plans to go back to his previous job

as the Brawny paper towel man.

( laughs )

Yeah. Yeah.

"The Quicker Picker-Upper."

( chuckles ) ( cheers )

And...

Bummer.

You know, the highlight of the Grammy Awards ceremony for me

had to be when Dizzy Gillespie

swallowed his Lifetime Achievement Award.

Yeah.

Minneapolis-based rock star Prince’s last album

did so poorly that he reverted back to his original form this week.

And Tipper Gore, head of the PMRC,

is introducing legislation that would require

all McDonald’s instant cash records

to be issued with warning labels.

When playing the record backwards at a slow speed,

she claims to have heard the words "Burger King is Satan."

Folks, I’m gonna need $50

to make you holler, because I get paid to do the news here.

*

( inaudible )

Easy, boy. Hello.

I’m Wilford Brimley.

The people at Circle Foods know that the needs of a rabid puppy

are different from those of a deranged old hound.

That’s why they’ve invented Circle Mad Dog Food--

for the three stages of a mad dog’s life.

Circle One’s for that young pup

who’s showing those first clear signals that something’s terribly wrong.

Every can has 4 CCs of Phenobarbital,

a powerful antispasmodic sedative

that will help soothe his mad growing body.

When you see your little pal go from being cranky

to just plain vicious, you know it’s time for Circle Two.

Circle Two comes with three grams of Lithium

in a liver flavor dogs just love.

If that doesn’t slow ’em down, then you need Circle Three.

For the full-blown, no-holds-barred,

totally wigged-out maniac.

Circle Three is 100% poison...

in a fast-acting dose of Strychnine

for when everyone would be happier if he was just dead.

Including him.

It’s the right thing to do, and a humane way to do it.

Circle Mad Dog Food.

Available only in Mexico.

*

And now we bring you another page from the diary

of the world’s greatest actor, Master Thespian.

There!

"Dear Diary, woe is me.

"Tonight, I open in Romeo and Juliet-- The Later Years.

"Shakespeare’s true version, in which the ill-fated lovers

"do not meet until middle age.

"But lo, I’ve committed the actor’s folly

"of falling in love with my leading lady,

"the beautiful Astoria Dubois the fifth!

"And she, being a human being,

"is hopelessly in love with myself, Master Thespian!

"Thank you!

"Unfortunately, during previews,

"I have found myself distracted.

"For the first time, I’ve noticed another actor on stage,

"and I found myself actually listening.

"It’s quite a good play.

"And so, because our consuming passion is ruining my performance,

"I must dump her.

I hope I break her heart... not!"

( knocks on door )

She knocks. Wish me well, old faithful diary.

( knocks )

Enter, all!

Darling, you need not knock.

Oh, Thespian, you fool.

That was my heart beating with love.

( chuckles )

Oh, darling, last night was so wonderful.

When we made the beast with two backs-- Did what?

Made love. Oh, yes. Oh, that.

Continue!

When we made love, I realized,

with all my training as an actress,

with all the great love scenes I have played,

nothing could have prepared me

for the greatest love scene of all.

When you screamed like a man afflicted

with a rare case of botulism,

for which there is no known cure,

and our souls meshed as one.

I’m dumping you.

You bastard!

Why? Because I don’t love you!

I never did, and I never will.

But what about last night? Acting!

But what about the screaming?

Projection! ( scoffs )

Ha ha ha! Oh, what a relief.

At last, I don’t have to play out this charade.

Charade?

Well, all right. How many words?

Four! "You are an idiot!"

All right. First word.

Shut up!

You insufferable fool. You overbearing ham.

Make up your mind! I never loved you.

I’ve been using you to further my career.

But... what about last night?

I wasn’t even in the bed.

( gasps )

But when I-- Acting!

I’ll say! Genius!

Thank you. No, thank you.

Shut up!

Just the thought of you touching me

makes my flesh crawl.

And you thought I loved you.

Schmuck! Stop!

Oh, no more. These words enter mine ears like daggers.

You’ve ripped apart my soul

like a rabid dachshund ripping into a baby piglet.

So... you do love me.

What did I just say?

And I love you.

Oh, darling. Oh, Thespian, oh, Thespian.

Let us elope tonight after the play.

Well, after the reviews.

Oh, there is nothing I would rather do, my dear,

but you see, I am already married.

You bastard!

Why are you doing that? Because I don’t want to be slapped again.

I wasn’t going to slap you. Oh, fooled me!

Acting. Genius!

Thank you! Oh!

You slapped me!

No, I didn’t.

Oh, fooled me! Acting!

Genius! Thank you!

Ow!

Stop it!

So...

who is your wife?

Her name... is acting.

( scoffs ) Thespian, brace yourself.

I have some shocking news.

You’ve been divorced for years.

I have? Yes.

Oh, darling...

can you ever love a divorced man?

I already do.

Oh! Oh!

Oh... ( moans )

MAN: Places!

Ah, come, my dear. After you.

Oh, I do adore you so, Thespian.

And I love you.

Oh, wait! Your back!

It looks so lovely in this light.

Don’t you think the audience would like to see more of it?

Ow! You slapped me!

No, I didn’t. Oh, fooled me!

Acting! Genius!

Thank you! Thank you!

No, thank you. Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

( laughs ) Hey, that’s great. That’s great.

Oh, I saw Julia the other day.

Oh, really? How’s she doing? She’s pretty good.

Oh, you know, that’s so great.

She’s been so happy lately. It’s so great to see.

Yeah, well, she’s been happy, all right...

now that she’s gettin’ it regular!

( laughs )

Do you know that that offends me

on about nine different levels?

Really? Yeah.

Would you like to see them? Yeah.

( showtune music plays )

* The first level stands *

* For a woman’s sense of privacy *

* A treasure we must never waste * Never waste?

* The second is my own sense of propriety *

Propriety? * The crassness of your comment *

* Challenged my good taste * Yow!

* But you needn’t dwell on these *

* For in fact *

* The next few levels *

* Tend to get a bit abstract *

What do you mean? Never mind, just follow me.

* Number three we can see *

* The confiding tone you used on me *

* I felt like an accomplice in your thought *

* And what’s more, here’s level four *

* Where the gesture that you used before *

* Implied that sex was violent *

* Which is not what I was taught *

* It’s a wondrous, beautiful union *

* A reason we’re alive *

* Yet, on that subject, I’m uneasy now *

* And that is level five *

God, that’s really neat.

Yes, well, I thought you’d like it.

* Now, the next two levels *

* Are somewhat similar *

* In that they have a feminist taint *

* So, we broke through the walls *

* And made them one big area *

* Because we were getting complaints *

* On the left, your statement *

* Equating a woman’s disposition *

* To a sexual frequency *

* Reduces us to an animal scale *

* And over here, the phrase "getting it" *

* Implies that sex is a gift from men *

* When it’s a pleasure shared by female and male *

* Level eight is a bit more difficult to talk about *

* It might weird you out, it’s true *

Oh, go ahead! Well, okay. Here goes nothing.

* The fact that you feel comfortable *

* When talking in that way to me *

* Implies I generate *

* Your sexual interest in you *

Hey, that’s pretty good.

That’s-- I mean, I--

I-- I, uh...

No, that’s okay.

* No, that’s okay *

* It’s not like you ever led me on *

* Don’t worry about me, I’m fine *

* There’s no sense in trying *

* To make me feel better now *

* Because *

* All the levels come together *

* Here at level nine *

( all ) * We’re here at the last *

* And most important level *

* The only one on which to end *

* For when you made your comment *

* That bought us to this wonderland *

* You were talking *

* About my *

* Friend * * About her friend *

( cheers, applause )

God, that was incredible!

Well, thanks. Hey, look, maybe, uh--

you think maybe I could offend you again sometime?

No, I think you’ve had more than your share for a day.

Ah...

bitch.

( music resumes )

Oh.

Why, there you are, Mother.

Lookie here, I brought you a nice cup of tea.

I don’t like tea. I want coffee.

Oh, now, Dr. Lewis says you’re not supposed to have coffee.

I don’t like him. I want a new doctor.

Mother, please take it.

Thank you. I’m gonna take this from you.

There we go. Oh, me, oh, my.

Oh...

It was good to see the family all together again, wasn’t it?

No, it wasn’t.

Oh, Mother, don’t-- don’t be grumpy, please.

I cannot believe I had to sit there for two hours

while everyone gushed about Janelle.

And Janelle just sat there, being the center of attention.

Well, Mother, it was Janelle’s funeral.

Nobody had a kind word to say about me.

( scoffs ) Well, that’s ’cause you’re not dead.

Now, when you die, if you ever do,

I’m sure that somebody is gonna say something real sweet about you, too.

And what did that man mean when he said

that Janelle was a beautiful person?

I was the pretty one. Everybody knew it.

Well, of course you were. Men used to flock around me.

Oh, I’m sure they did.

They were on me like a duck on a junebug.

And all Janelle ever had was Boyd.

Big, fat Boyd. And that beauty mark.

Oh, I remember.

Uncle Boyd always said it was her finest feature.

Well, I hated it.

That little black dot just sittin’ on her cheek.

Drove me crazy. I used to come out here

while she and Boyd were on the porch, and I’d say, "Don’t move!"

And then I’d hit it with a rolled-up newspaper.

Well... you always had fun, didn’t you?

Taffeta, put your little tap shoes on

and come out here and dance for Gangy.

I don’t want to see that child dance.

She’s a ghastly- looking child. Oh...

Now, Mother, don’t be a gloomy Gus.

Don’t you remember what you used to tell me when I was down?

"Just think of Cinderella’s pretty dress."

And what did that man mean when he said Janelle had talent?

All the Reverend said was that Janelle had music in her soul.

I was the talented one.

I had the part of Ruth At The Well in the Easter play.

I gave Jesus a drink.

And they picked me to play Ruth At The Well because I was the pretty one.

Janelle played the leper!

But nobody mentioned that.

Taffeta?

Go get your little baton and come on out here

and twirl for Gangy.

I don’t want to see that ugly child twirl.

( sighs ) But Mother, twirlin’ was her talent

in the Little Miss Peanut pageant.

Oh, you should’ve seen her. She was so cute in her little outfit.

It was all bright and shiny.

No, you shouldn’t dress that child that way.

It looks like a roach in an Easter basket.

Mother...

Mother, I know that you’re upset about losing your sister and all,

but I wish that you would try to let me comfort you.

I was the pretty one. I was the talented one.

Yes, yes, but Aunt Janelle did have a certain charm.

I had the charm! I was the charming one.

Old Janelle would pretend to be charmin’.

She’d smile, she’d shake your hand,

she’d make you think she was interested in everything you said.

She was always happy to see you.

She’d send you Christmas cards and remember your birthday.

She’d bake a cake for you if she thought you were sad.

She’d care for you if she thought you were sick.

She had everybody fooled into thinking she was charming,

but if you take away all of that, all you have left

is that beauty mark and Boyd.

Big, fat Boyd.

She had Boyd. Life’s unfair.

Oh, no, not really. Yes, it’s unfair.

Well, I suppose it is. I was the pretty one.

I was the talented one. Yes, that’s true.

I was the smart one. I was the charming one.

I had the personality. That’s true.

It should’ve been my funeral.

I should’ve been the one they buried today.

Well, we can’t have everything we want.

Can we, Mother?

I want to thank you so much.

You’ve been an absolutely wonderful audience.

I want to thank every single one

of this extraordinary company of actors.

They’re very unique in this country,

and I’m very proud to have been here tonight.

Thank you so much, and... I don’t know what else to say.

I’m supposed to be killing time, but I don’t care.

( cheers, applause )

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