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1
00:00:03,603 --> 00:00:04,637
( gunshots )
2
00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:06,740
Well, in hindsight,
3
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:09,409
we probably shouldn’t
have caved in on that
first book.
4
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,078
But I don’t think
it would’ve made
a difference.
5
00:00:12,112 --> 00:00:13,613
This was inevitable.
6
00:00:13,646 --> 00:00:15,382
I don’t know,
maybe not.
7
00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:18,985
Maybe if we had defied
the Ayatollah’s threats
right from the start,
8
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,855
the right-to-lifers,
the Colombians,
and the IRA
9
00:00:21,888 --> 00:00:23,690
wouldn’t have gotten
the same idea.
10
00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:26,726
MAN: Incoming!
( explosion echoes )
11
00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:34,100
Okay, will this be
cash or charge?
12
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:35,635
Well, I’m gonna
charge it,
but there’s--
13
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:39,806
there’s-- there’s still
a book that I can’t find.
14
00:00:39,839 --> 00:00:41,975
Can someone help me?
Oh, gosh, I don’t know.
15
00:00:42,008 --> 00:00:45,311
Well, it’s an expensive
hardcover coffee table
book.
16
00:00:45,345 --> 00:00:47,747
Okay, okay,
we’ll get someone.
Okay.
17
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,783
What’s the name
of that new
stock boy?
18
00:00:49,816 --> 00:00:51,618
We’ve been through
so many lately,
I’m losin’ track!
19
00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:54,154
Well, I--
it’s Flankman, I think.
Bernie Flankman.
20
00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:56,956
God, you know,
you’re so cold, Ed.
21
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,925
Would stock boy
Flankman
22
00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:01,728
please report to
the cashier bunker for
customer assistance?
23
00:01:01,761 --> 00:01:03,163
We’ll provide cover!
24
00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:04,597
Stay down.
25
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,399
Okay, Flankman,
go, go, go!
26
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,968
( guns firing )
27
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:14,341
Boss, what is it?
What? What?
28
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:15,675
You all right,
Flankman?
29
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,077
Of course
he’s all right.
30
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,379
He’s a bookseller!
31
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,981
Help this lady, Flankman.
She can’t find a book.
32
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,483
What book?
What, what?
33
00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:25,585
Well,
it’s about this big,
and it’s blue,
34
00:01:25,618 --> 00:01:28,288
and I think it’s
called American Crochet
or something like that.
35
00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:30,090
Oh, we haven’t
got it!
36
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,858
You’re lying!
No, no,
it’s outta stock!
37
00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:34,594
Bull!
Okay!
Okay, we got it!
38
00:01:34,627 --> 00:01:36,896
It’s out front!
There’s five of ’em where
the window used to be!
39
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,165
But I can’t go out there.
Not for a crochet book!
40
00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:41,735
Not for $4.50 an hour.
You can’t make me go out!
41
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:44,204
Shut up, shut up!
Ed!
Ed, stop it!
42
00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:46,840
Leave him alone,
I tell ya!
( sobs )
43
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:49,709
All he wanted to do
was get a job around
books!
44
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:52,112
Now he has to wade
knee-deep in gore
45
00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:54,581
just to set up
the Stephen King
display.
46
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:57,117
He’s had enough!
Can’t you see that?
47
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,753
Why should I be slighted
because I want to buy
a crochet book
48
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:02,889
instead of Proust?
You’re right, lady.
49
00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:05,325
I’ll get your
damn book.
50
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:08,294
Read it in lead,
you book-burning
bastards!
51
00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:11,064
( guns firing )
52
00:02:11,097 --> 00:02:12,899
I-- I--
I don’t get him.
53
00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:14,367
What is it?
What?
What?
54
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:16,269
You know, it’s a funny
thing about Ed.
55
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,838
This could be
a liquor store or
a hardware store.
56
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:22,242
It’s all the same to him.
I don’t even think he reads.
57
00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:25,278
My God, I think
he’s gonna make it.
58
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,514
Come on!
Come on, you son
of a bitch!
59
00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:29,649
I’ll put it in the bag!
Come on, Ed!
60
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:31,718
It’s a sale!
Come on!
Come on!
61
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:33,820
( shots fire )
Aaah!
No, no!
62
00:02:38,391 --> 00:02:40,093
Jeepers.
63
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:42,796
Oh, Ed,
you magnificent
bastard.
64
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,532
Gee, Mister,
I’m so sorry,
but I got my book.
65
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:47,000
It’s beautiful!
66
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:50,337
You’re gonna
be okay, Ed.
Maybe...
67
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:53,206
maybe...
What?
What is it, Ed?
68
00:02:53,239 --> 00:02:56,376
maybe we sell
only Muslim books.
69
00:02:56,409 --> 00:03:00,847
Only Muslim.
Ayatollah birthday sale.
70
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,316
What?
What?
71
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:07,120
Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!
72
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:11,291
*
73
00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:28,475
It’sSaturday Night Live!
74
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,981
With Dana Carvey...
75
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:37,517
Nora Dunn...
76
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,719
Phil Hartman...
77
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,789
Jan Hooks...
78
00:03:44,357 --> 00:03:46,860
Victoria Jackson...
79
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:49,362
Jon Lovitz...
80
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:52,899
Dennis Miller...
81
00:03:52,932 --> 00:03:54,901
and Kevin Nealon.
82
00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:58,571
And featuringA. Whitney Brown...
83
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:05,278
G.E. Smith and the SaturdayNight Live Band...
84
00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:08,548
Musical guest,the Gipsy Kings.
85
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:14,254
And starring Glenn Close.
86
00:04:25,865 --> 00:04:30,070
Ladies and gentlemen,Glenn Close!
87
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:50,357
( music ends )
88
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,625
( cheers, applause )
Thank you.
89
00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:02,702
Thank you, thank you!
Wow, this is great.
90
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:06,773
Oh, boy.
Well, this is really
exciting for me.
91
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,842
( cheers )
( laughs )
Thanks!
92
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:11,211
I’m really excited.
I’m really happy to be here,
93
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:13,847
working with these
incredible people.
94
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:17,717
Um, but this part,
the monologue,
95
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,919
is something
I’ve really been
dreading--
96
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,555
um, I’ve been dreading
all week, you see,
97
00:05:22,589 --> 00:05:25,925
because I always think
of my Mom, and my Mom
always says,
98
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,395
"Just don’t talk
about yourself.
99
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:31,765
It’s rude to talk
about yourself,
especially in public."
100
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:35,669
So, you know,
I’ve never felt
comfortable doing it.
101
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:37,637
I don’t feel
comfortable now.
102
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,640
In fact, I think I’ve
already told you too much
about myself.
103
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,709
But...
( chuckles )
104
00:05:42,742 --> 00:05:45,211
But since, you know,
at this point in the show,
105
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:48,982
I know that you expect
to kind of get to know me
a little bit more,
106
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:50,917
I’ve asked one of my
closest friends
107
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:52,686
who knows me
really well
108
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,854
to come out and talk
about me for me.
109
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,090
So,
ladies and gentlemen,
110
00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:01,461
I’m thrilled to introduce
one of the finest actors
in film and theater today,
111
00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:04,130
my dear friend
William Hurt.
112
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,032
( cheers )
113
00:06:19,512 --> 00:06:21,381
( chuckles )
114
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,223
Thank you.
115
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:31,825
Um, there isn’t
much time,
116
00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:34,961
and there’s a lot--
a lot to cover,
so let’s get started.
117
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:38,331
I’ve known Glenn
for more a decade.
118
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:40,066
She is one of my
closest friends
119
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,502
and probably the person
I most admire.
120
00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:44,304
Complicated?
Yes.
121
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,072
Demanding?
True.
122
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,441
Difficult?
At times.
123
00:06:48,475 --> 00:06:51,578
Temperamental?
Oh, yes.
124
00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:55,448
Hard to take over
a long period of time?
125
00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:57,851
Not to me.
126
00:06:57,884 --> 00:07:00,120
Whether she’s right
for the part or not,
127
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,389
Glenn always gets
the job done.
128
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:08,028
She proves the truth
of the saying
129
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:13,667
"Acting is 10% talent
and 90% plain old
hard work."
130
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:18,672
And no one outworks
Glenn Close.
131
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:21,675
The first to arrive
in the morning, the last
to go home at night.
132
00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:26,880
Always reliable,
always punctual,
always prepared.
133
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:30,283
Now, this is something
that Glenn would never
tell you herself,
134
00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:32,218
but in her 15 years
as an actress,
135
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:36,723
she has never missed
a single day of work
due to illness.
136
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,794
In the theater
and motion pictures,
137
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:44,631
Glenn has successfully
tackled a wide range
of serious, dramatic,
138
00:07:44,664 --> 00:07:46,700
non-comedic roles.
139
00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:53,940
And made each, in her
yeoman-like manner,
uniquely her own.
140
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:57,177
Obviously,
I’m a friend of Glenn’s,
so I’m prejudiced,
141
00:07:57,210 --> 00:08:02,115
but I would place her
in the top four or five
actresses
142
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,884
working today in film
and stage in America...
143
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,587
in her age group...
144
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:12,459
in non-comedic
dramatic roles.
145
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:16,730
And, of those four or five,
easily the hardest-working.
146
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:20,033
Glenn Close is not just
America’s hardest-working
actress,
147
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:23,203
she’s--
she’s also my friend.
148
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,938
( applause )
149
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,583
Thanks, Bill.
150
00:08:36,616 --> 00:08:39,586
Bill, can I introduce you
when you host this show?
151
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:43,189
Oh, Glenny,
I would never
host this show.
152
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,591
Oh.
153
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:46,092
Well, stick around.
154
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:49,629
We have the Gipsy Kings,
and I’ll be right back!
155
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:03,410
It’s your turn again.
156
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:06,146
I wish we had
something fun
to play with.
157
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:10,717
Rarr!
158
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:13,453
* Here he comes,from the frozen North *
159
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:15,455
* Big Red!(Big Red) *
160
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:19,325
* A mighty manfrom the land of Thor *
161
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:22,028
* Big Red!(Big Red) *
162
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,165
* (Big Red)Big Red! *
163
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:30,270
* You pour in the goopin the helmet thing *
164
00:09:31,871 --> 00:09:35,375
* But you betterwatch out *
165
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,445
* When you pullthe string *
166
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,780
* Big Red!(Big Red) *
167
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:44,351
* Big Red!(Big Red) *
168
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:47,754
* Big Red! *
169
00:09:47,787 --> 00:09:50,957
* He’s big, big, big *
170
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:54,060
* And he’s red, red, red *
171
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:58,298
* And that’s how he gotto earn the name *
172
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:01,368
* Big Red!(Big Red) *
173
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:04,504
* Big Red!(Big Red) *
174
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:05,972
* Big Red! *
175
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:07,674
( laughs )
176
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:09,242
Big Red by Bleego,
177
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,878
makers of Termite Town.
178
00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:13,446
Clean-up kitsold separately.
179
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,582
* Big Red *
180
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:25,125
So, I was the only
one in the office who
didn’t get a raise,
181
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,560
and I didn’t complain
to Mr. Kelleher.
182
00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:29,329
Your boss?
Yeah.
183
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:33,266
Oh.
And I think
it’s because...
184
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:36,536
I’m afraid
of people’s anger.
185
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:39,839
Monica,
you smiled.
Why?
186
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:44,110
Louise, you have made
so much progress.
187
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:47,614
And how does that
make you feel
about Louise?
188
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:52,986
It makes me like you.
I care about you.
189
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:56,022
I think that’s
what we call
a "warm fuzzy".
190
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,458
Brad?
191
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,727
How was your week?
192
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:05,465
One time.
I left my apartment
one time.
193
00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:11,071
Now, is that including
this session?
Uh-huh.
194
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:16,543
So, you didn’t leave
your apartment except
to come here.
Uh-huh.
195
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,678
So, you’ve regressed.
196
00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:21,414
Uh-huh.
197
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:24,751
How does that make people
feel about Brad?
198
00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:26,252
Peter?
199
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:31,124
Well, it makes me
feel like he’s
pathetic.
200
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:32,992
That’s honest.
That’s honest.
201
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,862
It makes-- it makes
me care about Brad.
202
00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:38,832
Brad, I care
about you.
203
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,533
Okay.
( chuckles )
204
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,936
Good, good.
205
00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:45,171
All right, we still
have a few minutes.
206
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:48,975
Alex, you’ve been
kinda quiet over there.
How was your week?
207
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,511
Well...
208
00:11:53,813 --> 00:12:00,520
( laughs, applause )
209
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,856
You know that guy
I’ve been obsessed with?
210
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:09,162
Well, I finally got up
the courage to throw acid
on his car.
211
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:11,431
Uh-huh.
212
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:14,200
You see... he needs me.
213
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:18,972
And, well,
I spied on his family
the other night.
214
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:22,075
I was watching them
through the window,
him and his...
215
00:12:22,108 --> 00:12:24,411
wife.
( scoffs )
216
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:27,380
And, uh,
their little girl.
217
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:30,116
He’d just bought her
a little rabbit,
218
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:33,953
and, you know,
it just made me sick
to my stomach.
219
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:36,956
So, anyway,
the next afternoon I went
to the little girl’s school,
220
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:39,492
and I pretended
I was a family friend,
221
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:43,563
and I took her out
of school and I drove her
to an amusement park.
222
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,800
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Well...
223
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:49,102
Well, how does that
make people feel?
Louise?
224
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,705
How do you feel about
Alex kidnapping the child
225
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:54,107
and taking her
to the amusement
park?
226
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,811
Um, it-- it sounds
like you had a really
fun time.
227
00:12:57,844 --> 00:12:59,312
( chuckles
nervously )
228
00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:01,381
Brad?
Can I go home
now, please?
229
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:03,049
Monica?
230
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:06,052
I care about Alex.
Good.
231
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:09,089
Good, Monica, good.
Alex, did you hear that?
232
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,157
I boiled the rabbit.
233
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:20,066
I would very much
like to go home now.
234
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:21,868
Hang in, Brad.
Hang in.
235
00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:25,238
How do people feel
about Alex boiling
the bunny?
236
00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:28,742
Well, I have a question.
Well, no, two questions.
237
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:30,577
Didn’t you tell us
last week
238
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,912
that Dan pretty much
said he never wanted
to see you again?
239
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:37,917
( scoffs )
Well...
Then why did you
boil the bunny?
240
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:41,654
Dan loves me.
I mean, don’t you see?
241
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:46,159
It’s his wife.
She doesn’t want him
to see me.
242
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:48,728
She has brainwashed him,
243
00:13:48,762 --> 00:13:53,166
and he had to be reminded
that I exist.
244
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:57,137
I mean, I exist.
I really exist!
245
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:02,676
Louise?
246
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:06,579
I think
you exist.
247
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:11,484
Peter, you still seem
a little troubled.
248
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,953
Well, I...
it’s just that...
249
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:15,922
well, look,
I’ve never met the guy,
250
00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:17,957
but I just
get the feeling
that Dan regrets
251
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:22,796
ever having
the one-night sta--
one-night stand.
252
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:25,198
I mean, he’s sorry
that you slit your
wrists,
253
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:27,634
and he feels bad
that you’re carrying
his child,
254
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,370
but I think maybe
he just wants
to go back
255
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,172
to his family
and get on with
his life.
256
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:35,208
And maybe you’re
just not takin’
the hint.
257
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:37,477
Or maybe not.
258
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:43,083
Can I say something?
I’d like to risk
something.
259
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:46,286
Good, good.
( clears throat )
Alex...
260
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:50,323
I really care
about you.
I like you.
261
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,125
But sometimes,
262
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:54,761
I have this fear that
you’re going to find out
where I live
263
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,796
and come late at night
and assault me.
264
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:01,534
Uh-huh.
Does anyone else
feel that way?
265
00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:07,173
Well...
good.
266
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,175
Good.
That’s honest.
That’s honest.
267
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,578
Alex,
how does that
make you feel?
268
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:14,581
Why would I assault you?
269
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:17,250
I love you.
270
00:15:17,283 --> 00:15:20,687
Did everyone hear that?
Does that make everyone
feel better?
271
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,958
Brad?
( nervously )
Huh?!
272
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,294
Okay, good.
Good.
273
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:30,163
All right, look,
it’s, uh, 9:30,
274
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:32,966
so I guess we’ll
see you next week.
Good work.
275
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,768
Listen, I forgot
to bring my checkbook.
276
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:38,304
Can you cover for me?
Well...
277
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,739
Okay.
Okay.
278
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,081
Is anyone going for coffee?
279
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,316
That’s good,
Alex.
280
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,252
As I said before,
coffee is not mandatory,
281
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,120
but it’s a good idea.
282
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:56,756
Uh, I gotta
get up early.
Me too.
283
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:59,359
I’ve got a long
day tomorrow.
I miss my home.
284
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:02,328
Hey, can you give me
a lift home?
Well, I...
285
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,030
okay.
Okay.
286
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,367
Thanks, Alex.
Oh, Alex...
287
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,336
( clears throat )
I have to admit,
I’m a little concerned
288
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:11,438
about your problem
with this man.
289
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,573
I know it’s been
goin’ on for some
time now.
290
00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,308
Yeah, well...
291
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,243
I’m gonna go up
to his house again tonight,
292
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:20,780
and I’m going to...
explain things to his wife,
293
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:23,450
and... settle it.
294
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,051
Well, good, good.
That’s really good.
295
00:16:25,051 --> 00:16:27,387
Well, then,
have a good weekend.
296
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,190
Oh, and Alex...
297
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,058
I’m awfully proud
of you.
298
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,704
*
299
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,711
And now,Weekend Update
300
00:16:51,745 --> 00:16:54,814
with anchorpersonDennis Miller.
301
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,597
Thank you.
Good evening, and what
can I tell ya?
302
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:13,566
This week, the Ayatollah
issued a more extensive
list
303
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,770
of people he wants killed
and the prices on their
heads.
304
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:21,074
Librarians who release
The Satanic Versesbook--
$61.07.
305
00:17:21,107 --> 00:17:23,877
Muslim comedians
or mimes-- $200.
306
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:27,647
Anyone telling Ayatolla
knock-knock jokes-- $1,250.
307
00:17:27,681 --> 00:17:30,283
John Tower,
Muslim womanizer--
$5,000.
308
00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:33,186
Schools using Muslims
as their mascots--
$15,000.
309
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,588
Harry Caray, for pronouncing
the Ayatollah’s name backward
310
00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:37,824
during a Cub
broadcast-- $35,000.
311
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,426
Photographers
who photograph
the Ayatollah
312
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,628
and Madonna together--
$300,000.
313
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,263
Children who sit
on the Ayatollah’s lap
314
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,532
and tug on his beard--
$550,000.
315
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,667
Vatican member responsible
for having pizzas delivered
316
00:17:47,701 --> 00:17:50,170
to the Ayatollah’s
tent-- $925,000.
317
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:52,605
Americans who drive
taxis in Iran--
one million dollars.
318
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,341
And Dan Quayle for
phoning the Ayatollah
319
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,975
and asking for
an autographed copy
of the book--
320
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,111
2.9 million dollars.
321
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:06,386
And British publisher
Robert Maxwell
322
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,355
has pledged 10.6
million dollars
to anyone
323
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:11,024
who can "civilize"
Iran’s Ayatollah
Khomeini.
324
00:18:11,024 --> 00:18:13,293
The gauntlet was
picked up by one
Henry Higgins,
325
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,295
well-known London linguist
and sociologist
326
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,798
who predicts within
a year he’ll have Khomeini
at the Ascot Race Track,
327
00:18:18,832 --> 00:18:22,435
saying "The rain in Iran
falls mainly in Iraq."
328
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:25,138
( clears throat )
He’s not only the
hair club president,
329
00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:28,308
he’s also
a well-disguised member.
330
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:30,510
And...
331
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:32,612
The 13-hour funeral
for Emperor Hirohito
332
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,314
took place yesterday,
and at one point,
333
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:36,916
our cameras revealed
the unusual coffin
that is part
334
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:42,255
of the traditional
"Land of the Rising Sony"
burial ceremony.
335
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:44,190
One of the Hirohito
funeral rituals
336
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:47,427
required President
and Mrs. Bush to jump
over these ropes.
337
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,863
This-- this jump
was actually performed
338
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,431
by the White House
stunt couple,
339
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,233
who used to replace
the Reagans
340
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:56,069
whenever they
had to do anything
physical in public.
341
00:18:56,102 --> 00:19:00,640
Bucket man lives!
Bucket man lives!
Run for your life!
342
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:05,278
And TV schlock show
Inside Edition
343
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:08,481
angered many viewers
this week when it gave
a forum and speaking time
344
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,750
to convicted assassin
Sirhan Sirhan
345
00:19:10,784 --> 00:19:13,687
and convicted
child killer
Joel Steinberg.
346
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,321
You know who’s gotta feel
the worst about this
347
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,391
is former Inside Edition
anchor David Frost,
348
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,493
who was let go last week
because the producers
349
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:23,063
didn’t think he was
likeable enough.
350
00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:26,866
You know, the last vestige
of the Ronald Reagan
White House years
351
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:29,803
was removed yesterday
when workmen dismantled
the secret pipeline
352
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:31,471
that connected
the Oval Office
353
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,708
with the Grecian
Formula 16 factory
in Baltimore, Maryland.
354
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:38,078
And Oliver North’s trial
will finally get underway
next week after delays,
355
00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:40,380
including the prolonged
jury-selection process
356
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:44,250
to find 12 jurors who
had no preconceptions
about Oliver North.
357
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,419
You know, this is what’s
wrong with the American
legal system.
358
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:49,789
The entire system of
jurisprudence is based on
the premise of trial by jury,
359
00:19:49,823 --> 00:19:52,759
and the only way you can get
on a jury is if you prove
beyond a shadow of a doubt
360
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,195
that you know nothing
about the case you’re
about to try.
361
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:57,263
Consequently, we have
people’s lives being
determined
362
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,566
by 12 people in a room
whose main goal in life
is to wrap it up
363
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:02,302
and get home in time
to watch Alicereruns
on the Superstation
364
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,537
because they think Flo
is a real hoot.
365
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:06,873
And now, once again
I present a man
366
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,675
for whom I would willingly
lay down my life--
367
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,844
the guiding light
of my existence,
A. Whitney Brown,
368
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,045
with the Big Picture.
Whitney?
369
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:15,081
Thank you, Dennis.
Thank you.
370
00:20:17,150 --> 00:20:20,220
Well, my friends,
once again,
371
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:24,057
religious fanaticism
is showing its true colors.
372
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:26,893
And when you put it
into the Big Picture,
373
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:30,697
you can see dung heaps
of intolerance
374
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:34,601
piling up
in dogmatic kennels
all over the world.
375
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:38,772
So, instead of trying
to pluck the mote
of hypocrisy
376
00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:41,508
out of our Muslim
brother’s eye,
377
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,877
let’s take one of the logs
out of our own
378
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:47,247
and put it through
the buzz saw of
the Big Picture.
379
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:51,251
Now, I happen to know
we have some pretty wild-eyed
religious cults here at home,
380
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:55,555
because I was raised
by one-- the Baptists.
381
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,991
Now, their basic
theology is,
382
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:00,727
that if you hold someone
under water long enough,
383
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,430
he’ll come around
to your way of thinking.
384
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:07,934
Bobbing for Baptists,
they call it.
385
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,236
Now, I finally left
the church,
386
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:12,972
but they got even with me--
oh, yeah.
387
00:21:13,073 --> 00:21:16,643
They sent my address
to the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
388
00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:19,179
Five of them showed up--
389
00:21:19,212 --> 00:21:22,082
tried to gang-save me
in my own living room.
390
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:27,721
But all fundamentalists--
Shiites, Munnis, or Mormons--
391
00:21:27,754 --> 00:21:32,525
share the same belief
that you should live your
life devoid of pleasure
392
00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:35,428
so you can go to heaven
when it’s over.
393
00:21:35,462 --> 00:21:39,299
Which is basically like
keeping your eyes shut
through a movie
394
00:21:39,332 --> 00:21:42,969
in the hopes that you’ll
get your money back
at the end.
395
00:21:43,003 --> 00:21:46,406
Now, here in America,
we keep the home fires
396
00:21:46,439 --> 00:21:48,742
of religious intolerance
burning
397
00:21:48,775 --> 00:21:51,578
by torching abortion
clinics.
398
00:21:51,611 --> 00:21:53,580
And it seems to me
a little ironic
399
00:21:53,613 --> 00:21:56,583
that those most militant
about the rights
of the unborn
400
00:21:56,616 --> 00:21:59,252
are those that’ve
been born again.
401
00:21:59,285 --> 00:22:01,354
And now...
402
00:22:01,388 --> 00:22:03,823
the President wants
the Supreme Court
403
00:22:03,857 --> 00:22:06,426
to overturn
Roe versus Wade.
404
00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:11,531
Now, we can safely assume
the Vice President’s thoughts
are pretty much the same.
405
00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:16,936
Although not as frequent...
or as fully formed.
406
00:22:16,970 --> 00:22:18,805
In fact, according
to the Washington Post,
407
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:21,107
Dan Quayle thought
Roe versus Wade
408
00:22:21,141 --> 00:22:24,611
were alternative ways
to cross the Potomac.
409
00:22:26,579 --> 00:22:28,782
Now...
( applause )
410
00:22:33,653 --> 00:22:36,990
As for me, I don’t think
there’s any way to know
411
00:22:37,090 --> 00:22:39,292
if you have any rights
before you’re born,
412
00:22:39,325 --> 00:22:42,262
but I do know
that being born again
413
00:22:42,295 --> 00:22:45,699
doesn’t entitle you
to twice as many.
414
00:22:45,732 --> 00:22:49,002
So, if any of this
has been blasphemy
to you,
415
00:22:49,102 --> 00:22:52,439
then good, because
it’s been a blast
for me, too.
416
00:22:54,174 --> 00:22:56,643
And that, my friends,
is the Big Picture.
417
00:22:56,676 --> 00:22:58,478
Thank you,
Whitney Brown!
418
00:22:58,511 --> 00:23:00,580
Dennis, thank you.
419
00:23:00,613 --> 00:23:03,183
Whitney Brown,
folks.
420
00:23:05,185 --> 00:23:06,786
Thank you.
Thank you, Whitney.
421
00:23:08,221 --> 00:23:10,056
A New York
state senator
422
00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:12,926
has blasted
the recently concluded
so-called Sexuality Week
423
00:23:12,959 --> 00:23:14,761
at the state university
in Albany,
424
00:23:14,794 --> 00:23:16,863
saying that such events
as the "Condom Dance"
425
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:20,066
had "turned the school
into a center of carnal
knowledge."
426
00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:22,068
The senator went on to say,
"I remember the old days
427
00:23:22,102 --> 00:23:25,071
when a man was a man
and a condom dance
was a sock hop."
428
00:23:27,140 --> 00:23:30,176
Biologists are worried
that radio tracking
devices
429
00:23:30,210 --> 00:23:32,278
are harming rare owls
in the Northwest.
430
00:23:32,312 --> 00:23:33,747
They’ve been able
to tell this
431
00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:36,516
by hearing the owls
now saying, "What?
What?"
432
00:23:36,549 --> 00:23:39,452
And after a lengthy
legal battle,
433
00:23:39,486 --> 00:23:41,588
Rock Hudson’s former lover
Mark Christian
434
00:23:41,621 --> 00:23:44,090
was finally awarded
21 million dollars
in damages
435
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:47,260
for having been
unwittingly exposed
to the AIDS virus.
436
00:23:47,293 --> 00:23:49,796
When asked how he felt
now about Hudson,
437
00:23:49,829 --> 00:23:51,931
Mr. Christian replied,
"That bastard.
438
00:23:51,965 --> 00:23:53,967
"If I had a dollar
for every time...
439
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,202
Hey, wait a second,
I do."
440
00:23:59,339 --> 00:24:00,940
Christian, um...
( applause )
441
00:24:03,343 --> 00:24:05,211
Christian said
if he doesn’t
get his money,
442
00:24:05,245 --> 00:24:06,813
he plans to go back
to his previous job
443
00:24:06,846 --> 00:24:09,582
as the Brawny
paper towel man.
444
00:24:09,616 --> 00:24:12,052
( laughs )
445
00:24:12,052 --> 00:24:15,188
Yeah.
Yeah.
446
00:24:15,221 --> 00:24:18,291
"The Quicker
Picker-Upper."
447
00:24:18,324 --> 00:24:19,826
( chuckles )
( cheers )
448
00:24:19,859 --> 00:24:21,061
And...
449
00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:35,775
Bummer.
450
00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:39,612
You know, the highlight
of the Grammy Awards
ceremony for me
451
00:24:39,646 --> 00:24:41,214
had to be when
Dizzy Gillespie
452
00:24:41,247 --> 00:24:43,316
swallowed his Lifetime
Achievement Award.
453
00:24:43,350 --> 00:24:45,251
Yeah.
454
00:24:45,285 --> 00:24:48,722
Minneapolis-based
rock star Prince’s
last album
455
00:24:48,755 --> 00:24:53,159
did so poorly that
he reverted back to his
original form this week.
456
00:24:53,193 --> 00:24:55,528
And Tipper Gore,
head of the PMRC,
457
00:24:55,562 --> 00:24:57,464
is introducing legislation
that would require
458
00:24:57,497 --> 00:24:59,232
all McDonald’s
instant cash records
459
00:24:59,265 --> 00:25:01,167
to be issued
with warning labels.
460
00:25:01,201 --> 00:25:03,670
When playing the record
backwards at a slow speed,
461
00:25:03,703 --> 00:25:06,740
she claims to have heard
the words "Burger King
is Satan."
462
00:25:08,041 --> 00:25:10,143
Folks, I’m gonna need $50
463
00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:13,179
to make you holler,
because I get paid
to do the news here.
464
00:25:13,213 --> 00:25:14,681
*
465
00:25:14,714 --> 00:25:16,549
( inaudible )
466
00:25:27,527 --> 00:25:29,929
Easy, boy.
Hello.
467
00:25:29,963 --> 00:25:32,432
I’m Wilford Brimley.
468
00:25:32,465 --> 00:25:36,770
The people at Circle Foods
know that the needs
of a rabid puppy
469
00:25:36,803 --> 00:25:40,340
are different from those
of a deranged old hound.
470
00:25:40,373 --> 00:25:44,444
That’s why they’ve invented
Circle Mad Dog Food--
471
00:25:44,477 --> 00:25:48,348
for the three stages
of a mad dog’s life.
472
00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:51,785
Circle One’s
for that young pup
473
00:25:51,818 --> 00:25:56,656
who’s showing those
first clear signals that
something’s terribly wrong.
474
00:25:56,690 --> 00:26:01,261
Every can has 4 CCs
of Phenobarbital,
475
00:26:01,294 --> 00:26:04,297
a powerful antispasmodic
sedative
476
00:26:04,330 --> 00:26:07,801
that will help soothe
his mad growing body.
477
00:26:07,834 --> 00:26:11,037
When you see your little pal
go from being cranky
478
00:26:11,037 --> 00:26:15,542
to just plain vicious,
you know it’s time
for Circle Two.
479
00:26:17,043 --> 00:26:20,246
Circle Two comes with
three grams of Lithium
480
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:23,783
in a liver flavor
dogs just love.
481
00:26:23,817 --> 00:26:29,055
If that doesn’t
slow ’em down, then you
need Circle Three.
482
00:26:29,055 --> 00:26:32,559
For the full-blown,
no-holds-barred,
483
00:26:32,592 --> 00:26:35,495
totally wigged-out maniac.
484
00:26:35,528 --> 00:26:39,899
Circle Three
is 100% poison...
485
00:26:39,933 --> 00:26:43,203
in a fast-acting dose
of Strychnine
486
00:26:43,236 --> 00:26:47,307
for when everyone would
be happier if he was
just dead.
487
00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:49,843
Including him.
488
00:26:49,876 --> 00:26:54,848
It’s the right thing
to do, and a humane way
to do it.
489
00:26:54,881 --> 00:26:57,150
Circle Mad Dog Food.
490
00:26:57,183 --> 00:27:00,120
Available only in Mexico.
491
00:27:03,490 --> 00:27:05,658
*
492
00:27:08,461 --> 00:27:11,231
And now we bring youanother page from the diary
493
00:27:11,264 --> 00:27:16,136
of the world’sgreatest actor,Master Thespian.
494
00:27:22,075 --> 00:27:24,277
There!
495
00:27:24,310 --> 00:27:27,213
"Dear Diary, woe is me.
496
00:27:27,247 --> 00:27:31,785
"Tonight, I open
in Romeo and Juliet--The Later Years.
497
00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:34,821
"Shakespeare’s true
version, in which
the ill-fated lovers
498
00:27:34,854 --> 00:27:37,524
"do not meet
until middle age.
499
00:27:37,557 --> 00:27:40,927
"But lo, I’ve committed
the actor’s folly
500
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:43,463
"of falling in love
with my leading lady,
501
00:27:43,496 --> 00:27:47,967
"the beautiful
Astoria Dubois
the fifth!
502
00:27:48,068 --> 00:27:50,904
"And she,
being a human being,
503
00:27:50,937 --> 00:27:55,775
"is hopelessly in love
with myself, Master Thespian!
504
00:27:55,809 --> 00:27:57,410
"Thank you!
505
00:27:58,912 --> 00:28:01,614
"Unfortunately,
during previews,
506
00:28:01,648 --> 00:28:03,883
"I have found myself
distracted.
507
00:28:03,917 --> 00:28:08,455
"For the first time,
I’ve noticed another
actor on stage,
508
00:28:08,488 --> 00:28:11,858
"and I found myself
actually listening.
509
00:28:11,891 --> 00:28:14,427
"It’s quite a good play.
510
00:28:14,461 --> 00:28:19,766
"And so, because our
consuming passion
is ruining my performance,
511
00:28:19,799 --> 00:28:22,469
"I must dump her.
512
00:28:22,502 --> 00:28:27,040
I hope I break
her heart... not!"
513
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:28,641
( knocks on door )
514
00:28:28,675 --> 00:28:32,445
She knocks.
Wish me well,
old faithful diary.
515
00:28:32,479 --> 00:28:34,314
( knocks )
516
00:28:34,347 --> 00:28:36,049
Enter, all!
517
00:28:38,885 --> 00:28:41,054
Darling,
you need not knock.
518
00:28:41,054 --> 00:28:43,189
Oh, Thespian,
you fool.
519
00:28:43,223 --> 00:28:45,458
That was my heart
beating with love.
520
00:28:45,492 --> 00:28:47,127
( chuckles )
521
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:50,463
Oh, darling, last night
was so wonderful.
522
00:28:50,497 --> 00:28:54,067
When we made the beast
with two backs--
Did what?
523
00:28:54,100 --> 00:28:55,969
Made love.
Oh, yes.
Oh, that.
524
00:28:56,069 --> 00:28:57,704
Continue!
525
00:28:58,972 --> 00:29:00,407
When we made love,
I realized,
526
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,008
with all my training
as an actress,
527
00:29:02,008 --> 00:29:04,477
with all the great
love scenes I have
played,
528
00:29:04,511 --> 00:29:06,179
nothing could have
prepared me
529
00:29:06,212 --> 00:29:08,248
for the greatest
love scene of all.
530
00:29:08,281 --> 00:29:10,884
When you screamed
like a man afflicted
531
00:29:10,917 --> 00:29:13,019
with a rare case
of botulism,
532
00:29:13,019 --> 00:29:16,122
for which there
is no known cure,
533
00:29:16,156 --> 00:29:18,758
and our souls meshed
as one.
534
00:29:18,792 --> 00:29:20,193
I’m dumping you.
535
00:29:20,226 --> 00:29:22,228
You bastard!
536
00:29:22,262 --> 00:29:25,565
Why?
Because I don’t
love you!
537
00:29:25,598 --> 00:29:27,734
I never did,
and I never will.
538
00:29:27,767 --> 00:29:30,270
But what about
last night?
Acting!
539
00:29:32,272 --> 00:29:34,207
But what about
the screaming?
540
00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:36,409
Projection!
( scoffs )
541
00:29:36,443 --> 00:29:39,879
Ha ha ha!
Oh, what a relief.
542
00:29:39,913 --> 00:29:43,383
At last, I don’t have
to play out this charade.
543
00:29:43,416 --> 00:29:45,285
Charade?
544
00:29:45,318 --> 00:29:48,054
Well, all right.
How many words?
545
00:29:49,222 --> 00:29:52,192
Four!
"You are an idiot!"
546
00:29:52,225 --> 00:29:55,328
All right.
First word.
547
00:29:57,497 --> 00:29:59,199
Shut up!
548
00:29:59,232 --> 00:30:01,568
You insufferable fool.
You overbearing ham.
549
00:30:01,601 --> 00:30:04,471
Make up your mind!
I never loved you.
550
00:30:04,504 --> 00:30:07,574
I’ve been using you
to further my career.
551
00:30:07,607 --> 00:30:10,443
But... what about
last night?
552
00:30:10,477 --> 00:30:12,946
I wasn’t even
in the bed.
553
00:30:12,979 --> 00:30:14,314
( gasps )
554
00:30:16,249 --> 00:30:18,018
But when I--
Acting!
555
00:30:18,051 --> 00:30:19,953
I’ll say!
Genius!
556
00:30:19,986 --> 00:30:21,888
Thank you.
No, thank you.
557
00:30:21,921 --> 00:30:23,823
Shut up!
558
00:30:29,396 --> 00:30:31,498
Just the thought
of you touching me
559
00:30:31,531 --> 00:30:34,200
makes my flesh crawl.
560
00:30:34,234 --> 00:30:36,603
And you thought
I loved you.
561
00:30:36,636 --> 00:30:39,606
Schmuck!
Stop!
562
00:30:39,639 --> 00:30:44,244
Oh, no more.
These words enter
mine ears like daggers.
563
00:30:44,277 --> 00:30:46,946
You’ve ripped apart
my soul
564
00:30:46,980 --> 00:30:50,984
like a rabid dachshund
ripping into a baby piglet.
565
00:30:51,017 --> 00:30:54,621
So...
you do love me.
566
00:30:54,654 --> 00:30:57,223
What did I just say?
567
00:30:57,257 --> 00:30:58,892
And I love you.
568
00:30:58,925 --> 00:31:01,561
Oh, darling.
Oh, Thespian,
oh, Thespian.
569
00:31:01,594 --> 00:31:03,596
Let us elope tonight
after the play.
570
00:31:03,630 --> 00:31:05,231
Well, after the reviews.
571
00:31:05,265 --> 00:31:07,534
Oh, there is nothing
I would rather do,
my dear,
572
00:31:07,567 --> 00:31:09,969
but you see,
I am already married.
573
00:31:10,070 --> 00:31:11,838
You bastard!
574
00:31:11,871 --> 00:31:14,374
Why are you doing that?
Because I don’t want
to be slapped again.
575
00:31:14,407 --> 00:31:16,343
I wasn’t going
to slap you.
Oh, fooled me!
576
00:31:16,376 --> 00:31:17,410
Acting.
Genius!
577
00:31:17,444 --> 00:31:19,479
Thank you!
Oh!
578
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:22,082
You slapped me!
579
00:31:22,082 --> 00:31:23,249
No, I didn’t.
580
00:31:23,283 --> 00:31:24,384
Oh, fooled me!
Acting!
581
00:31:24,417 --> 00:31:25,585
Genius!
Thank you!
582
00:31:25,618 --> 00:31:26,686
Ow!
583
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:27,754
Stop it!
584
00:31:32,092 --> 00:31:33,693
So...
585
00:31:34,861 --> 00:31:37,130
who is your wife?
586
00:31:37,163 --> 00:31:40,367
Her name...
is acting.
587
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,470
( scoffs )
Thespian,
brace yourself.
588
00:31:43,503 --> 00:31:45,472
I have some
shocking news.
589
00:31:45,505 --> 00:31:48,108
You’ve been divorced
for years.
590
00:31:50,110 --> 00:31:52,879
I have?
Yes.
591
00:31:52,912 --> 00:31:55,782
Oh, darling...
592
00:31:55,815 --> 00:31:59,252
can you ever love
a divorced man?
593
00:31:59,285 --> 00:32:01,588
I already do.
594
00:32:01,621 --> 00:32:03,189
Oh!
Oh!
595
00:32:03,223 --> 00:32:05,125
Oh...
( moans )
596
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,361
MAN: Places!
597
00:32:08,395 --> 00:32:10,663
Ah, come, my dear.
After you.
598
00:32:10,697 --> 00:32:13,066
Oh, I do adore you so,
Thespian.
599
00:32:13,066 --> 00:32:14,634
And I love you.
600
00:32:14,668 --> 00:32:17,237
Oh, wait!
Your back!
601
00:32:17,270 --> 00:32:19,739
It looks so lovely
in this light.
602
00:32:19,773 --> 00:32:22,642
Don’t you think
the audience would like
to see more of it?
603
00:32:22,676 --> 00:32:24,377
Ow!
You slapped me!
604
00:32:24,411 --> 00:32:25,645
No, I didn’t.
Oh, fooled me!
605
00:32:25,679 --> 00:32:26,713
Acting!
Genius!
606
00:32:26,746 --> 00:32:27,814
Thank you!
Thank you!
607
00:32:27,847 --> 00:32:28,915
No, thank you.
Thank you!
608
00:32:28,948 --> 00:32:30,817
Thank you!
Thank you!
609
00:32:50,837 --> 00:32:53,773
( laughs )
Hey, that’s great.
That’s great.
610
00:32:53,807 --> 00:32:55,909
Oh, I saw Julia
the other day.
611
00:32:55,942 --> 00:32:57,577
Oh, really?
How’s she doing?
She’s pretty good.
612
00:32:57,610 --> 00:32:59,112
Oh, you know,
that’s so great.
613
00:32:59,145 --> 00:33:01,514
She’s been so happy lately.
It’s so great to see.
614
00:33:01,548 --> 00:33:03,717
Yeah, well,
she’s been happy,
all right...
615
00:33:03,750 --> 00:33:06,052
now that she’s
gettin’ it regular!
616
00:33:06,052 --> 00:33:07,754
( laughs )
617
00:33:10,290 --> 00:33:12,959
Do you know that
that offends me
618
00:33:13,059 --> 00:33:15,929
on about nine
different levels?
619
00:33:15,962 --> 00:33:18,665
Really?
Yeah.
620
00:33:18,698 --> 00:33:21,334
Would you like
to see them?
Yeah.
621
00:33:21,368 --> 00:33:23,370
( showtune music plays )
622
00:33:29,509 --> 00:33:31,544
* The first level
stands *
623
00:33:31,578 --> 00:33:33,780
* For a woman’s sense
of privacy *
624
00:33:33,813 --> 00:33:37,350
* A treasure we must
never waste *
Never waste?
625
00:33:37,384 --> 00:33:40,520
* The second is my
own sense of propriety *
626
00:33:40,553 --> 00:33:43,123
Propriety?
* The crassness
of your comment *
627
00:33:43,156 --> 00:33:45,792
* Challenged
my good taste *
Yow!
628
00:33:47,227 --> 00:33:49,229
* But you needn’t
dwell on these *
629
00:33:49,262 --> 00:33:51,498
* For in fact *
630
00:33:51,531 --> 00:33:52,799
* The next few levels *
631
00:33:52,832 --> 00:33:55,135
* Tend to get
a bit abstract *
632
00:33:55,168 --> 00:33:57,971
What do you mean?
Never mind,
just follow me.
633
00:33:59,406 --> 00:34:01,274
* Number three
we can see *
634
00:34:01,307 --> 00:34:03,543
* The confiding tone
you used on me *
635
00:34:03,576 --> 00:34:05,879
* I felt like an accomplice
in your thought *
636
00:34:07,380 --> 00:34:09,282
* And what’s more,
here’s level four *
637
00:34:09,315 --> 00:34:11,518
* Where the gesture
that you used before *
638
00:34:11,551 --> 00:34:13,486
* Implied that sex
was violent *
639
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,755
* Which is not
what I was taught *
640
00:34:17,290 --> 00:34:21,795
* It’s a wondrous,
beautiful union *
641
00:34:21,828 --> 00:34:26,066
* A reason we’re alive *
642
00:34:26,099 --> 00:34:28,902
* Yet, on that subject,
I’m uneasy now *
643
00:34:28,935 --> 00:34:31,971
* And that
is level five *
644
00:34:32,072 --> 00:34:33,506
God,
that’s really neat.
645
00:34:33,540 --> 00:34:35,175
Yes, well,
I thought you’d
like it.
646
00:34:38,778 --> 00:34:41,081
* Now, the next
two levels *
647
00:34:41,081 --> 00:34:43,216
* Are somewhat similar *
648
00:34:43,249 --> 00:34:46,519
* In that they have
a feminist taint *
649
00:34:46,553 --> 00:34:48,955
* So, we broke
through the walls *
650
00:34:48,988 --> 00:34:50,957
* And made them
one big area *
651
00:34:50,990 --> 00:34:53,927
* Because we were
getting complaints *
652
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:56,096
* On the left,
your statement *
653
00:34:56,096 --> 00:34:57,630
* Equating a woman’s
disposition *
654
00:34:57,664 --> 00:34:59,199
* To a sexual
frequency *
655
00:34:59,232 --> 00:35:02,902
* Reduces us
to an animal scale *
656
00:35:02,936 --> 00:35:05,138
* And over here,
the phrase "getting it" *
657
00:35:05,171 --> 00:35:07,507
* Implies that sex
is a gift from men *
658
00:35:07,540 --> 00:35:11,077
* When it’s a pleasure
shared by female and male *
659
00:35:15,215 --> 00:35:19,552
* Level eight is a bit more
difficult to talk about *
660
00:35:19,586 --> 00:35:22,155
* It might weird
you out, it’s true *
661
00:35:22,188 --> 00:35:25,392
Oh, go ahead!
Well, okay.
Here goes nothing.
662
00:35:25,425 --> 00:35:27,727
* The fact that you
feel comfortable *
663
00:35:27,761 --> 00:35:29,829
* When talking
in that way to me *
664
00:35:29,863 --> 00:35:31,431
* Implies I generate *
665
00:35:31,464 --> 00:35:33,667
* Your sexual
interest in you *
666
00:35:33,700 --> 00:35:34,934
Hey, that’s
pretty good.
667
00:35:34,968 --> 00:35:36,870
That’s--
I mean, I--
668
00:35:36,903 --> 00:35:39,272
I-- I, uh...
669
00:35:39,305 --> 00:35:41,274
No, that’s okay.
670
00:35:41,307 --> 00:35:42,709
* No, that’s okay *
671
00:35:42,742 --> 00:35:45,545
* It’s not like you
ever led me on *
672
00:35:45,578 --> 00:35:49,582
* Don’t worry about me,
I’m fine *
673
00:35:49,616 --> 00:35:51,451
* There’s no sense
in trying *
674
00:35:51,484 --> 00:35:53,753
* To make me feel
better now *
675
00:35:53,787 --> 00:35:55,622
* Because *
676
00:35:55,655 --> 00:35:59,492
* All the levels
come together *
677
00:35:59,526 --> 00:36:05,365
* Here at level nine *
678
00:36:12,072 --> 00:36:14,441
( all )
* We’re here at the last *
679
00:36:14,474 --> 00:36:17,844
* And most important level *
680
00:36:17,877 --> 00:36:24,884
* The only one
on which to end *
681
00:36:24,918 --> 00:36:28,254
* For when you
made your comment *
682
00:36:28,288 --> 00:36:32,292
* That bought us
to this wonderland *
683
00:36:32,325 --> 00:36:35,528
* You were talking *
684
00:36:35,562 --> 00:36:40,467
* About my *
685
00:36:40,500 --> 00:36:49,109
* Friend *
* About her friend *
686
00:36:49,142 --> 00:36:52,078
( cheers, applause )
687
00:36:59,886 --> 00:37:03,256
God, that was
incredible!
688
00:37:03,289 --> 00:37:05,558
Well, thanks.
Hey, look,
maybe, uh--
689
00:37:05,592 --> 00:37:07,594
you think maybe
I could offend you
again sometime?
690
00:37:07,627 --> 00:37:11,031
No, I think you’ve had
more than your share
for a day.
691
00:37:11,031 --> 00:37:12,399
Ah...
692
00:37:12,432 --> 00:37:13,900
bitch.
693
00:37:13,933 --> 00:37:15,468
( music resumes )
694
00:37:24,711 --> 00:37:26,379
Oh.
695
00:37:26,413 --> 00:37:29,516
Why, there you are,
Mother.
696
00:37:29,549 --> 00:37:32,752
Lookie here, I brought you
a nice cup of tea.
697
00:37:32,786 --> 00:37:35,121
I don’t like tea.
I want coffee.
698
00:37:35,155 --> 00:37:38,958
Oh, now, Dr. Lewis says
you’re not supposed
to have coffee.
699
00:37:39,059 --> 00:37:42,062
I don’t like him.
I want a new doctor.
700
00:37:42,062 --> 00:37:44,764
Mother,
please take it.
701
00:37:44,798 --> 00:37:48,068
Thank you.
I’m gonna take this
from you.
702
00:37:48,068 --> 00:37:52,138
There we go.
Oh, me, oh, my.
703
00:37:52,172 --> 00:37:54,841
Oh...
704
00:37:54,874 --> 00:37:58,278
It was good to see
the family all together
again, wasn’t it?
705
00:37:58,311 --> 00:38:00,280
No, it wasn’t.
706
00:38:00,313 --> 00:38:02,716
Oh, Mother, don’t--
don’t be grumpy,
please.
707
00:38:02,749 --> 00:38:06,286
I cannot believe
I had to sit there
for two hours
708
00:38:06,319 --> 00:38:09,289
while everyone gushed
about Janelle.
709
00:38:09,322 --> 00:38:13,026
And Janelle
just sat there, being
the center of attention.
710
00:38:13,026 --> 00:38:16,196
Well, Mother,
it was Janelle’s
funeral.
711
00:38:18,031 --> 00:38:20,700
Nobody had a kind word
to say about me.
712
00:38:20,734 --> 00:38:23,536
( scoffs )
Well, that’s ’cause
you’re not dead.
713
00:38:23,570 --> 00:38:25,905
Now, when you die,
if you ever do,
714
00:38:25,939 --> 00:38:30,043
I’m sure that somebody
is gonna say something
real sweet about you, too.
715
00:38:30,076 --> 00:38:33,046
And what did that man
mean when he said
716
00:38:33,046 --> 00:38:35,148
that Janelle was
a beautiful person?
717
00:38:35,181 --> 00:38:37,917
I was the pretty one.
Everybody knew it.
718
00:38:37,951 --> 00:38:40,754
Well, of course you were.
Men used to flock
around me.
719
00:38:40,787 --> 00:38:42,155
Oh, I’m sure they did.
720
00:38:42,188 --> 00:38:45,258
They were on me
like a duck on a junebug.
721
00:38:45,291 --> 00:38:48,228
And all Janelle ever had
was Boyd.
722
00:38:48,261 --> 00:38:53,066
Big, fat Boyd.
And that beauty mark.
723
00:38:53,066 --> 00:38:54,701
Oh, I remember.
724
00:38:54,734 --> 00:38:57,837
Uncle Boyd always
said it was her
finest feature.
725
00:38:57,871 --> 00:38:59,739
Well, I hated it.
726
00:38:59,773 --> 00:39:03,543
That little black dot
just sittin’ on her
cheek.
727
00:39:03,576 --> 00:39:07,380
Drove me crazy.
I used to come out here
728
00:39:07,414 --> 00:39:10,684
while she and Boyd
were on the porch,
and I’d say, "Don’t move!"
729
00:39:10,717 --> 00:39:14,087
And then I’d hit it
with a rolled-up newspaper.
730
00:39:15,855 --> 00:39:20,560
Well... you always
had fun, didn’t you?
731
00:39:20,593 --> 00:39:23,596
Taffeta, put your
little tap shoes on
732
00:39:23,630 --> 00:39:26,032
and come out here
and dance for Gangy.
733
00:39:26,066 --> 00:39:28,268
I don’t want to see
that child dance.
734
00:39:28,301 --> 00:39:31,204
She’s a ghastly-
looking child.
Oh...
735
00:39:31,237 --> 00:39:34,107
Now, Mother,
don’t be a gloomy Gus.
736
00:39:34,140 --> 00:39:37,043
Don’t you remember
what you used to tell me
when I was down?
737
00:39:37,077 --> 00:39:40,246
"Just think
of Cinderella’s
pretty dress."
738
00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:44,751
And what did that man mean
when he said Janelle had
talent?
739
00:39:44,784 --> 00:39:48,855
All the Reverend said
was that Janelle had
music in her soul.
740
00:39:48,888 --> 00:39:50,724
I was the talented one.
741
00:39:50,757 --> 00:39:53,860
I had the part of Ruth
At The Well in the Easter
play.
742
00:39:53,893 --> 00:39:55,862
I gave Jesus a drink.
743
00:39:55,895 --> 00:39:59,499
And they picked me to play
Ruth At The Well because
I was the pretty one.
744
00:39:59,532 --> 00:40:01,801
Janelle played the leper!
745
00:40:03,069 --> 00:40:04,604
But nobody mentioned that.
746
00:40:06,906 --> 00:40:08,808
Taffeta?
747
00:40:08,842 --> 00:40:10,477
Go get your little baton
and come on out here
748
00:40:10,510 --> 00:40:12,045
and twirl for Gangy.
749
00:40:12,078 --> 00:40:14,147
I don’t want to see
that ugly child twirl.
750
00:40:14,180 --> 00:40:17,117
( sighs )
But Mother,
twirlin’ was her talent
751
00:40:17,150 --> 00:40:19,252
in the Little Miss Peanut
pageant.
752
00:40:19,285 --> 00:40:22,355
Oh, you should’ve seen her.
She was so cute in her
little outfit.
753
00:40:22,389 --> 00:40:24,024
It was all bright
and shiny.
754
00:40:24,057 --> 00:40:26,192
No, you shouldn’t dress
that child that way.
755
00:40:26,226 --> 00:40:29,162
It looks like a roach
in an Easter basket.
756
00:40:30,430 --> 00:40:32,265
Mother...
757
00:40:32,298 --> 00:40:35,402
Mother, I know that
you’re upset about losing
your sister and all,
758
00:40:35,435 --> 00:40:37,971
but I wish that you
would try to let me
comfort you.
759
00:40:38,004 --> 00:40:40,840
I was the pretty one.
I was the talented one.
760
00:40:40,874 --> 00:40:44,044
Yes, yes, but Aunt Janelle
did have a certain charm.
761
00:40:44,077 --> 00:40:47,047
I had the charm!
I was the charming one.
762
00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:49,582
Old Janelle would pretend
to be charmin’.
763
00:40:51,584 --> 00:40:53,586
She’d smile,
she’d shake your hand,
764
00:40:53,620 --> 00:40:56,923
she’d make you think
she was interested
in everything you said.
765
00:40:56,956 --> 00:40:59,225
She was always
happy to see you.
766
00:40:59,259 --> 00:41:02,062
She’d send you Christmas cards
and remember your birthday.
767
00:41:02,062 --> 00:41:05,298
She’d bake a cake for you
if she thought you were sad.
768
00:41:05,331 --> 00:41:08,134
She’d care for you
if she thought you were sick.
769
00:41:08,168 --> 00:41:11,338
She had everybody fooled
into thinking she was
charming,
770
00:41:11,371 --> 00:41:13,873
but if you take away
all of that,
all you have left
771
00:41:13,907 --> 00:41:16,810
is that beauty mark
and Boyd.
772
00:41:16,843 --> 00:41:19,779
Big, fat Boyd.
773
00:41:19,813 --> 00:41:24,317
She had Boyd.
Life’s unfair.
774
00:41:24,351 --> 00:41:27,954
Oh, no, not really.
Yes, it’s unfair.
775
00:41:27,987 --> 00:41:31,391
Well,
I suppose it is.
I was the pretty one.
776
00:41:31,424 --> 00:41:34,327
I was the talented one.
Yes, that’s true.
777
00:41:34,361 --> 00:41:37,697
I was the smart one.
I was the charming one.
778
00:41:37,731 --> 00:41:40,700
I had the personality.
That’s true.
779
00:41:40,734 --> 00:41:42,335
It should’ve been
my funeral.
780
00:41:44,004 --> 00:41:46,639
I should’ve been the one
they buried today.
781
00:41:46,673 --> 00:41:50,310
Well, we can’t have
everything we want.
782
00:41:50,343 --> 00:41:52,112
Can we, Mother?
783
00:42:05,725 --> 00:42:07,894
I want to thank you
so much.
784
00:42:07,927 --> 00:42:10,430
You’ve been an absolutely
wonderful audience.
785
00:42:10,463 --> 00:42:12,165
I want to thank
every single one
786
00:42:12,198 --> 00:42:14,768
of this extraordinary
company of actors.
787
00:42:14,801 --> 00:42:16,836
They’re very unique
in this country,
788
00:42:16,870 --> 00:42:18,972
and I’m very proud to have
been here tonight.
789
00:42:19,072 --> 00:42:22,075
Thank you so much,
and... I don’t know
what else to say.
790
00:42:22,108 --> 00:42:24,811
I’m supposed
to be killing time,
but I don’t care.
791
00:42:24,844 --> 00:42:26,746
( cheers, applause )
792
00:42:30,450 --> 00:42:33,420
*
61186
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