All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E13.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

*

It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Al Franken...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band...

Special guests Kim Alexis,
Beverly Johnson,

Cheryl Tiegs.

Musical guest,
Cowboy Junkies.

And starring
Leslie Nielsen.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Leslie Nielsen!

( music ends,
crowd cheers )

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.

You know, if you’d
told me ten years ago

that I would be hosting
a comedy show like
Saturday Night Live,

I would never
have believed you.

I mean, for most
of my career, I’ve been
a dramatic actor.

But ever since Airplane
and Police Squad...
( laughs )

Naked Gun: From the Files
of Police Squad...

Everybody thinks I’m
a comedian, but that’s
not quite true.

A comedian is someone
who says funny things.

A comic is someone
who says things funny.

Well, I’m neither.

I’m someone who
says unfunny things.

I say unfunny things
in an unfunny way,

and somehow, it seems
to end up funny.

( laughs )

You see, now, somehow,
for some reason over
the years--

um, maybe it’s the way
I look,

or maybe it’s the sound
of my voice,

but I have been cast in--
as authority figures--

Well, for example,
say I’m a high school
principal.

Now, in a drama,
I’d say a line
like this one.

I’d say, "Come in, Jimmy.
Have a seat.

There’s something I think
we should talk about."

Now, in a comedy,

I would deliver
the same line, but I’d
say it like this--

"Come in, Jimmy.
Have a seat.

There’s something I think
we should talk about."

( laughs )

See what I mean?
Listen to them.
Okay.

Well, I’m very excited
about tonight’s show.

We’ve written a lot
of unfunny things.

I’ll be saying them
in an unfunny way.

And hopefully, everything
around me will be funny--

at least, that’s what
I’m counting on.

And the Cowboy Junkies
are here!

We will be right back!

( cheers )

Yes?
Where is Reardon?

I don’t know.

It’s too late.
We just lost the account.

Well,
what’ll we do now?

I know.

I’m sorry, guys,
I hope...

Um...

When someone’s
kept you waiting,

there’s no better way
to let them know

than with
Long White Beard.

Gruber’s Long White Beard

is the fast,
efficient way to show them

you’ve been held up
for literally ages.

Whatever your predicament,

you can strike
the perfect tone

with Long White Beard.

You’ll make your point

without ever having
to grope

for that perfect
sarcastic phrase.

( barks )

Mr. President.

Gentlemen, I know I’m late,
but I believe I...

Ouch.

Long White Beard
by Gruber.

Let ’em know
you’ve been waiting.

*

It’s time for
the longest-running
game show

in network television.

Let’s play
Snap Decision!

And now, here’s the host
of Snap Decision--

Bob Winkler!

Thank you, thank you.
Hello.

I’m your host,
Bob Winkler,

and welcome
to Snap Decision.

And will you say hello
to our champion--

Judy Rollins!

Hi, Bob.
Yeah!
( audience applauds )

Now, Judy,
it says here

that you are originally
from Muncie, Indiana.

No, I’m from Muncie.

I’ll get to you
in a minute.

And I hear that you’re
returning to college

to become
a registered nurse?

No, I’m the curator
for a museum.
In Muncie.

In Alabama.
I’m a curator

for an art museum
in Birmingham, Alabama.

All right, well,
let’s meet your
challengers.

Uh, Linda Fuller,
where are you from?

Muncie, Indiana.
And you’re
a schoolteacher?

No, dental
hygienist.

And Jerry Nichols,
you work for an
accounting firm?

Yes, Bob, right here
in L.A. for ten years.

And how long have
you been with them?

Ten years.
Well,

we’ve got
a lot of money
to give away,

so let’s get
started!

Remember the correct answer
and you will hear a bell.

( bell dings )

Incorrect, you will
hear this sound.

( same bell dings )

Okay, let’s go.

Excuse me, what do we
hear if we’re wrong?

Uh, one more for the lady
from Muncie.

Incorrect answer,
you get the buzzer.
( buzzer sounds )

Correct,
you hear the bell.
( same buzzer sounds )

Very simple.
Buzzer...
( bell dings )

And the bell.
( buzzer sounds,
bell dings )

All right, let’s play.

Now, Judy, you won
the toss backstage,

so you go first.
No, I won the toss.

All right, Jerry.
I need a topic
and a dollar value.

Okay, Bob, I’m gonna go
with TV sitcoms for $100.

Okay.
Hands on buzzers.

All right.
This is the story
of castaways.

They’re here
for a long, long while.

( rings )
Jerry!
Yes, what is it?

Gilligan’s Island,Bob.

( buzzer sounds )
I’m sorry.

( rings )
Linda!

They’re on
Gilligan’s Island,
Bob!

( bell dings )

Gilligan’s Island.
Absolutely correct.

$100 and control
of the board.

Well, now, wait a minute.
I said Gilligan’s Island.

( bell dings )
Absolutely right.

You each have $100
and control of the board.

Wait, wait, wait.
We can’t both have
control of the board.

( bell dings )
You’re right again!

But I’m afraid you didn’t
give me a topic and dollar
value,

so control of the board
goes to our champion, Judy.

Thank you, Bob.
I think I’ll have to go
with Art History for $200.

BOB:
Art History for $200.

What painter lost an ear
but found fame
with sunflowers?

( rings )
Vincent Van Gogh.

( bell dings )
( rings )

Uh, wait a second.
That answer was already
up on the board.

Oh, indeed it was.

Well, Judy,
you’ll have to take a zero
in the money column,

but you still have control
of the board.
Well, I think that’s unfair.

It’s a simple question.
I would have gotten it.

I mean, I’m the curator
of an art museum.
It’s--

Yes.
In Alabama.

Okay,
another category,
please.

All right.
Art History for $400.

It did-- it did
the same thing again.
( Jerry rings )

Pablo Picasso!
BOB:
That is right!

( bell dings )

But, but, but,
once again,

the answer was revealed
on the board,

and I cannot give you
any money, but you do have
control of the board.

Okay, uh, TV sitcoms
for $300, Bob.

All right.
They are creepy...

and they’re kooky.
Mysterious and spooky.

( rings )
Who are they,
Linda?

The Addams Family!
( buzzer sounds )

Oh, I’m sorry.
( bell dings )

You’re absolutely correct.

( ahooga horn blares )

And there is the signal!
What does that mean,
Don Pardo?

That’s the end
of the first round, Bob!

( chuckles )
So, Jerry has $100,

Linda has $400,
and our champion
has zero,

but don’t you worry, Judy.
It’s time for the Quick Cash
round.

In what year did Columbus
discover America?

( rings )
1492!

( buzzer sounds )
I’m sorry,
the answer is 1812.

Moving on,
what Tchaikovsky overture

uses cannons
in the orchestra?
( rings )

The 1812.
( buzzer sounds )

No, the answer
is Sacramento.

All right,
what is the capital
of California?

Anyone?

Coca-Cola.
I thought someone would’ve
gotten that one.

And finally,
what soft drink

was bottled in Atlanta
in 1886?

( rings )
1492!

( bell dings )
Correct!

Yeah!

BOB: So, at the end
of the Quick Cash round,

our champ’s
still at zero,

Linda is sitting pretty
with $400,

and Jerry has
a commanding lead

of $23,650.

Wait a minute.
I mean, how can
that happen?

I was in the lead.
I don’t understand how--
Shut up, shut up.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Now, there’s plenty
of time to catch up
in the next round,

where our cash values
are double.

Let’s take a break
right now, though,

and get to know our players
a little bit better.

Uh, Jerry, tell us
some more about yourself.

Uh, well,
I’m a native Californian,

and I work
for Pryce-Waterhouse.

Well, Jerry,
I’m afraid you’re
disqualified.

Will you tell him why,
Don Pardo?

All questions and answers
on Snap Decision

are handled by the accounting
firm Pryce-Waterhouse.

Employees
of Pryce-Waterhouse

and their immediate families
are ineligible

as contestants
on our show.

I’m sorry to have
to say goodbye,
Jerry.

Wait a minute,
I told every--
Maybe next time,

you’ll tell somebody
where you work.

I did!
I told everybody I work
for Pryce-Waterhouse!

I put it on every
single form.

Well, if that’s
your story,
stick to it.

( chuckles )
It is my--
oh, you’re--

Oh, this is nuts.
You’re gonna hear
from me again, pal.

Well, we’re down
to the champ and
her challengers.

( loud chimes sound )

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

And we know what
that means, don’t we?

What does that mean?
Tell us, Don Pardo.

I don’t know, Bob.
I’ve never heard it before.

Well, it doesn’t matter.

It’s time for
the Lightning Round.

Now, hands on buzzers.

Your category
is Greco-Roman
mythology.

Oh, I can see Linda
doesn’t like that!
( laughs )

Best of luck.
Here goes.

What is Cary Grant’s
real name?

( rings )
Archibald Leach!

Oh, excuse me,
my buzzer isn’t
working.

What is the chemical
symbol for water?

H20!
Can you stop
the round, please?

How many original
Beach Boys were there?

Five!
( bell dings )

My thing’s not working.
She wrote Gone
With The Wind.

My thing doesn’t work.
Margaret Mitchell!

Nickname for
the Academy Award.

( rings )
Oscar!
My buzzer--

My buzzer is not
working.
What country

does the Statue
of Liberty come from?

France!

( ahooga horn blares )

Time’s up!

Our new champion
is Linda!

Why, Judy...

what happened
to you in that round?

My buzzer didn’t work
for the-- the entire round.

Gee, that’s a tough break.
Linda, can you come back
tomorrow?

Tomorrow?
No, I can’t come back
tomorrow.

No one ever asked me
about that.

I made plans for tomorrow.

Oh, well,
that’s too bad.

Uh, well, that means
that Judy is still
our champion!

How much have you
won so far, Judy,
on Snap Decision?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Yeah, well,
that’s great.

Can you come back
tomorrow?
Shut up.

Well, that’s the show
for today.

We’ll see you next time

on Snap Decision!

It’s the Pat Stevens Show,

with your host
Pat Stevens.

( audience applauds )

Thank you.
Hello.

Hello, everybody.
Welcome to the Pat
Stevens Show.

I’m Pat Stevens.
You know,

I’ve been in the beauty
business a long time,

watching students of
the Pat Stevens University
of Beauty Culture

as they grow from girls
to supermodels.

But what happens
after 10 years,

hundreds of magazine covers,
runways in Paris and Milan,

swimsuit issues,
beautiful clothes,

free makeup,
shoes, shoes, shoes...

( sighs )
Many models are left
with an empty feeling.

Which feels good,
don’t get me wrong--

but someone has to be
there when supermodels
stretch out for help.

"Pat, help me!
I feel dry, I feel flaky!"

I’ll never forget
that late-night call
from Twiggy.

She said, "Pat--"

I can’t do the accent--

"Pat...

Pat, why don’t they
take me seriously?"

I said to her, I said,
"Twiggy, Twiggy, Twiggy..."

And then I
just went blank.
So...

Later, I sat down
and I leafed through
all my Vogues

and I wrote down every
bit of vital information

over a salad
and a cappuccino.

The result was a two-day
intense comprehensive
workshop seminar,

"Is There Life
After Modeling?"

My guests today are all
attendants of my workshop.

Please welcome supermodels
Cheryl Tiegs...

( cheers )

Beverly Johnson...

Kim Alexis.

Oh, yes,
and Herb Lacrue.

( cheers )

Oh, well.

So exciting to have all
of you models here.

Cheryl, Beverly, Kim--
you’re all former models.

Thank You.
Thank You.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Beverly Johnson,

you were the first
black woman

on the cover
of Vogue--

the quintessential
high-fashion model.

Cheryl Tiegs, you’ve been
on every magazine

from Time
to Sports Illustrated.

And Kim Alexis, you have
graced the covers of some
400 magazines worldwide.

And Herb Lacrue,
you had a career
as a catalog model.

Why, yes, Pat.
I modeled for some
30-odd years.

Mainly catalog work,
but at the height
of my career,

I was the Black & Decker
man.

And, Lord, you know,
I didn’t want to leave
the business.

I was forced out.
( chuckles )

That’s a heartbreaking
story.

Now, Beverly,
what drew you, supermodel,

to my "Is There Life
After Modeling" seminar?

Well, I guess it was
the literature you sent me,
Pat.

The facilities pictured
inside the pamphlet
looked great.

Oh, yes, that was
my cousin’s house
in Bel Air.

Wouldn’t you know it--
house guest the day I was
gonna have my seminar.

Well, that was
very misleading.

I thought the people
at the Holiday Inn,

though, were very
accommodating.

Yes.
Now, Cheryl,

you told me that you learned
a lot about yourself

and you became very close
to everyone you met
at the seminar.

Now, why do you think
that happened?

Because there were only
four of us there.

It was myself, and Kim,
and Beverly, and...

Herb was there.

Well, sure.
And Kim didn’t arrive
until the second day,

so for one
full day,

I was alone with...
just Herb and myself.

I didn’t realize
how long it had been

since I’d really
spilled out my guts
to somebody,

and I had a lot
to get off my chest.

Bev was just
a wonderful listener.

Well, Herb, I understand.

There are times
in our lives when things
look impossibly bleak,

but we rub in a little
Grecian Formula and get on
with it.

Now, um...
( clears throat )

If we may move
along to Kim,

we haven’t heard
from her yet.

Now, Kim, what was
your favorite part
of the seminar?

Well, Pat, I think
it was the creative
visualization.

Oh, yeah, and that came
with a free body wax.

( chuckles )
Actually, it was during
the waxing treatment

that I had most
of my visualization.

Now, what did you
see when you were
visualizing?

Uh, I guess I
visualized myself about
10 years from now.

I visualized myself
getting younger.

Oddly enough, um,
when I was younger,

I wanted
to be a model, um...

And then I was gonna
go to college,

and got discovered
by a talent scout
in New York,

so...
and here I am.
The rest was history.

The same thing happened
to me, Pat.

You know, I-- I was spotted
on the way to school one day

by a man who offered me
a modeling contract,

and, uh... well,
that turned out to be
something else, you know.

But... I-- I did sign then
with Montgomery Ward.

Thank you, Herb.
I modeled fedoras
and thermal underwear.

Then I did hand work--
rings and watches...
Thank you, Herb.

and, uh, you know,
power tools.
Herb, Herb--

As a former model--
as a former model,

you were welcome
to attend the workshop,

but really, I wish you
would’ve written first.

Now, um...
Cheryl...

Let’s-- let’s discuss
a topic, please,

that we covered
at the seminar.

Now, Jean Shrimpton
was the first supermodel,

and we mentioned Twiggy,
and of course, all of you.

Now, has there ever been
a male supermodel?

No, absolutely not.
Male models never really
reach that status.

Oh, now,
wait a minute.

Ted Ritzel came
darn close.

Yes, thank you for that--
for that information.

Um, we are running
out of time here,

and I’d like to focus
on the issue of transition.

Now, models today--
and I think, former models
and women--

are facing the
biggest transition
of their lives.

We are asked to move
to color as a fashion
statement.

Let me just throw
this at you--

are you afraid
of color?

Well,
at one time in my life,
I was afraid of red.

Oh, hell, I used
to model checkered
jackets,

checkered slacks,
plaid jackets...

You know, I’d wear--
if I could get back
into modeling,

I’d wear any color.
I’d make a fashion
statement--

"Put me back to work!"
( laughs )

( audience cheers )

Yes.

( clears throat )
Wrapping up--
wrapping up here,

Beverly,
you are an actress.

You have made
some eight movies.

You are now moving
on to more projects.
Yes.

Cheryl Tiegs,
you have your own
signature line

of clothing, shoes,
swimwear.

Uh, Kim Alexis,
you are the beauty
editor

on Good Morning America.
Network TV.

And a baby on the way.
Congratulations there.

And Herb Lacrue?

I have a mail-order
bulb and seed business.

Okay.

Life goes on.

Well, ladies,
we’re out of time,

and I have for all of you
a complimentary issue
of Voguemagazine.

Here you go.
I’ll include
you, Herb.

You never know when
you’re gonna have
time to read.

And let’s do the exercise
we learned at the seminar.

Placing your Vogues
in place... now, lift.

And lift.
I’m Pat Stevens.

Bye-bye, now.

Stretch and burn.
Keep it up.

You’ve been watching
the Pat Stevens Show

with your host
Pat Stevens.

*

And now,
Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you.
Good evening, and what
can I tell ya?

Reacting to worldwide
attention given to his
death warrant

for Satanic Verses
author Salman Rusdie,

the Ayatollah Khomeini
today issued additional
death warrants

for other authors whose
works he finds offensive
and blasphemous--

Sidney Sheldon’s
The Sands of Time,

Jackie Collins’ Rock Star,

and of course,
Donald Trump’s
The Art of the Deal.

Satanic Versesis the
Heresy-of-the-Month club
selection for February.

Khomeini said he would
give a $206 bounty

to the man who kills the
writer of the Cliff Notes
for Satanic Verses.

But...
even the Ayatollah
had to admit

that you shouldn’t
use the Cliff Notes.

Rushdie’s name
is interesting
in itself.

It’s an old-world
family name,

meaning "Someone
who is in a rush
to die."

( laughs )

And... the worst part
of Rushdie’s week

was when his price
had been set at
2.6 million dollars,

he was knocked out
of the top spot
the next day

by Dodger pitcher
Orel Hershiser,

who signed a three-year
pact averaging 2.7
million dollars.

Sorry, Rushdie.

And, did you hear
the latest?

Rushdie apologized
this morning.

( clucks mockingly )

And it only got him
into deeper trouble

as a group of radical
First-Amendment proponents
here in the United States

put a price on his head
for going back on his
free speech position.

The last Soviet soldier
left Afghanistan this week.

The war cost
the Soviet Union
some 15,000 lives

and undisclosed
millions of rubles,

but according
to an inside source,

the Western boycott
of the 1980 Olympic games

really forced
the issue.

The jailed anti-apartheid
activist Nelson Mandela

may end up divorcing
Winnie Mandela

because of accusations
that his wife’s bodyguards,

who pose as
a soccer team,

kidnap black youths
and tortured them
in her presence.

You know, it’s an odd
coincidence, but that’s
the same reason given

for the Tom Hayden-
Jane Fonda break-up.

And Weekend Update
correspondent
Al Franken

joins us tonight
with a brand-new
feature--

Jokes for
MacNeil-Lehrer
Viewers.

Al Franken.
Thank you, Dennis.

( cheers )

Thank you, Dennis.
And here are this week’s
jokes

for viewers of
the MacNeil-Lehrer
News Hour.

The administration
responded today to
congressional criticism

that proposed fee
increases for certain
government services

violate President Bush’s
pledge of no new taxes.

Budget Director
Richard Darman

told House Ways & Means
Chairman Dan Rostenkowski,

quote, "Read my lips.

"A charge levied
by a Federal agency
or department

"for a service exceeding
the previous charge
for the same service

will be called
a ’user fee’,
not a new tax."

( audience laughs )

The Senate Armed Services
Committee

has delayed confirmation
of John Tower

pending an investigation into
allegations of alcoholism,

womanizing,
and financial misconduct.

Ted Kennedy,
who sits on the committee,

says he is particularly
curious

about the financial
misconduct.

And now, a photo joke

for MacNeil-Lehrerviewers.

In the Kremlin this week,
the Politburo

voted to execute
Andrei Gromyko.

Drug Czar designate
William Bennett

is evidently having
some difficulty

honoring his pledge
to give up cigarettes.

Bennett told reporters
at a press conference
this week

that he will go back
to smoking two packs
a day,

and said, quote,
"Legalizing crack wouldn’t
be the end of the world.

Now, get that microphone
out of my face, pal."

And finally,
La Toya Jackson,
Michael’s sister,

who appeared last month
in Playboy,

will undergo more plastic
surgery to play the lead
in a Disney movie.

La Toya will play
a Volkswagen Bug

in Herbie Goes
To Hollywood.

She entered Cedars-Sinai
Hospital today.

They have the front
and rear bumpers implanted.

Al?
Uh...
Yes, Dennis?

Well, what’s--
what’s with the last story
about La Toya Jackson, Al?

What is that?
I thought you were doing
MacNeil-Lehrerjokes here.

Well, I-- I don’t
wanna die out here.

Thank you.
Al Franken with jokes

for MacNeil-Lehrer
viewers.

Thank you, Al.
Thank you.

And this is Millie,
the Bushes’ Springer
Spaniel,

and she is pregnant.

But she says she’s
not yet ready to be
a single parent

and wants an abortion.

Despite the President’s
objections,

Millie says she’ll
take full advantage
of her rights

under the little-known
1975 Supreme Court Lassie
versus Benji decision.

And Vice President
Dan Quayle this week

defended his unflinching
anti-abortion views,

saying there’re only
two reasons a woman
should have an abortion--

one, if her health
is threatened,

or two, if she doesn’t
want to have the baby.

Visiting Prince Charles
and Vice President
Dan Quayle

had tea together yesterday
at the British Embassy
in Washington,

and at least they had
something in common.

Charles is only 40,
and Quayle is just 42,

and those are IQs.
I’m not sure
of the ages.

The California
Horse-Racing Board

dropped a bomb
on the sport last week

when officials confirmed
that horses trained
by D. Wayne Lukas,

the most financially
successful trainer
in racing history

and Laz Barrera
Hall of Fame member
since 1979,

have been found to have
raced on cocaine at the
Del Mar track last August.

Lukas and Barrera both
deny any wrongdoing,

but the horses themselves
were apprehended

after the two were seen
chatting in the Winner’s
Circle

and acting like they were
much more interesting
than they actually were.

And Oklahoma quarterback
Charles Thompson this week

was arrested
on charges of selling
17 grams of cocaine

to an FBI agent
for $1,400

after earlier in the week
lecturing elementary school
students

on the dangers
of drugs.

Kids, when is it
gonna sink in?

Just say no...
to athletes.

And due to the proliferation
of cocaine abuse in
the music industry,

the name of the highest
award has now been changed
to the Gram.

Excuse me
while I kiss the sky.

( "Purple Haze" plays )

You know...

this...

( applause, cheers )

I thank you
and Jimi thanks you.

You know, this week
is National Condom Week,

and I don’t know
if it’s a coincidence
or not,

but this also marks
the beginning of the Chinese
New Year last week,

and it’s the Year
of the Snake, and, uh...

if you want to read anything
into that, go right ahead.

Mark Christian,
Rock Hudson’s lover,

had his damages upped
yesterday from 14.5
million dollars

to 21.75 million dollars

as the jury had recommended
the additional 7.25 million
be given

because Hudson had failed
to reveal to him that he
had AIDS.

The first 14 million
was awarded because
Hudson repeatedly,

night after night,
made Christian watch him
in Pillow Talk.

Incidentally,
with his newfound
riches,

Christian says he now
plans to quit his job
as a toxic waste handler.

And former Ku Klux Klan
Imperial Wizard David Duke
today was elected

to the Louisiana state
legislature.

Duke denies he is a Nazi
and a racist

and says he plans
to keep in touch
with the people

using Franklin Delano
Roosevelt’s old favorite,
the fireside chat method.

The real James Bond--
an ornithologist whose name
was used by Ian Fleming

for the fictional British
agent 007 died this week.

Doctors say his death
was by natural causes,

compounded by
poison, arrow, shark,
and laser beam wounds.

And actor George O’Hanlon
died this week at age 76.

O’Hanlon, after
unsuccessfully auditioning

for the voice
of Fred Flintstone,

became the voice of cartoon
world’s man of the future,
George Jetson.

Appropriately enough,
O’Hanlon’s last words

were "Jane!
Stop this crazy thing!"

A spokesman for the estate
said, "Reorge is rone.
Rough-- very rough."

And...

The joke was on them
this week

as these six men
squeegeed away
the Pacific Ocean

in an effort
to be the first aboard the
sunken vessel the Titanic

only to find out that
the Titanic is in
the Atlantic Ocean.

Actor James Caan was
recovering from injuries

he received
in a motorcycle
accident this week.

Caan flew over
the handlebars of his bike

when he swerved to avoid
the oncoming car driven
by actor Gary Busey,

who was returning home
from a rehab center.

An uplifting side note
to this story--

Busey was wearing
a helmet in the car.

And Diane Sawyer jumped
over to the ABC network
last week

to do her own primetime show
with co-anchor Sam Donaldson.

When queried as to whether
she would be intimidated
by working with Donaldson,

who is said to be
a forceful personality,

Sawyer said, "No,
Same makes suggestions,

but I can make up
my own mind."

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news tonight.

I’m outta here.

*

You are watching
Cable 10.

Aurora, Illinois
community access channel.

Cable 10 is not responsible
for the content

or views expressed
by the participants

in this program.

*

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
Wayne’s World *

Excellent!
Whoo!

Excellent.
All right, all right.

Okay, like, welcome
to Wayne’s World.

All right, here’s
your excellent host,
Wayne Campbell.

Party!
Party hearty!

It’s Friday, it’s 10:30.
Man, it’s time to party.

Welcome to Wayne’s World.

I’m your excellent host,
Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always,
is Garth.

Party on, Wayne.
All right,
party on, Garth.

Now, let’s bring out
our first guest.

His name is Beev,
and he owns Wishing Well
convenience store.

So, here’s Beev.

* It’s Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time *

Hi, Beev.
How are you, man?

I’m all right, Wayne.
How are you?

Excellent.
How are you,
Garth?

Excellent,
Dad.

Bonus.

So, Beev,
what gives, huh?

How come you moved
the pop cooler

from the back of the store
all the way to the front
of the store, huh?

Well, Wayne, as you know,
Wishing Well convenience

has experienced a rash
of shoplifting lately...

especially
of the soft drinks.

So, I thought I’d move
the cooler to the front
of the store

where I can keep
an eye on it.

All right,
that’s a great idea.

Good work, Beev.

But, Garth,
I got a question
for you.
What?

Okay, your dad
is Beev, right?
Yeah.

At home,
is he a goof,
or what?

I mean, does he tell you
not to do stuff,

like, you know,
read the magazines?

Well, yeah,
sometimes,
you know.

He’s just
a normal dad,
you know,

But I wish he could
get his teeth fixed

so people wouldn’t
keep calling him
"the Beev".

It’s really bogus.
( laughs )

Okay, now it’s time
for Wayne’s Top Ten.

* Wayne’s Top Ten,
Top Ten *

* Party Time,
Top Ten *

All right, tonight’s
Top Ten topic

is the Top Ten Things
That Beev Says.

All right, number ten,
"Hey, you kids,
buy something or leave."

( Wayne and Garth laugh )

Number nine,
"Are you gonna buy
that magazine?

This isn’t a library."

Number eight,
"Either you empty
out your pockets

or you are banned
from the store."

Number seven,
"Shouldn’t you kids
be in class?"

Number six,
"Eat your junk food
outside of the store."

Number five,
"Are you gonna buy
that magazine?

This isn’t a library."

Number four,
"Wayne’s the coolest guy
in the world."

Number three,
"All the chicks
dig Wayne big time."

Number two,
"I wish I was
as cool as Wayne."

And number one,
"Hi, my name is Beev...

I’m a big fag."

Oh, man.
You little punk!

You’re banned
from the store,
you long-haired freak.

Hey, Wayne.
that’s, like,
my dad, dude.

All right,
take a pill,
all right?

I’m joking, okay?
God, chill.
Don’t go mental.

I’ll see you
at home, Garth.

Later, Dad.

Wayne,
you goof, man.
I can’t believe it.

Garth, chill,
okay?

Okay.
All right,
Beev, uh--

Beev can’t stay.
He has other
commitments.

So, let’s bring out
our next guest.

Her name is Nancy and
she’s an excellent babe.
Please welcome Nancy.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party Time,
Excellent *

Whoo!
Whoa!

Hi, Nancy.
How are you,
babe?

Hi, I’m okay.
Hi, Wayne.

Good, good.

All right, let’s get
to the point--
do you stuff?

No.

But I know who does.
Excellent.

Who?

Sally.
Susan.

Susan?
What a gypola, man.
Yeah.

Okay,
the next question is,
do you like Garth?

Oh, shut up,
you gimp!
( laughs )

No!
I have a boyfriend.

God!
Well, what do
chicks think of us?

Well, a lot of girls
like Garth ’cause
he’s real quiet.

But most girls think
you’re conceited, Wayne.

No way.
Uh-huh.
Way.

No way.
Way.
Sorry.

You think you’re
so cool just ’cause
you’ve got a show.

Man,
that’s so bogus.
It’s true.

Well, if you think--
if you think
I’m conceited,

you’re wrong,
all right?
Uh-uh.

’Cause...
I’m just trying
to impress you

because I--
I really like you,
you know?

I think you’re
an excellent person.
I think you’re great.

I love you
in every way.

Really?

Fished in!
All right!

Shut up!

We caught us
a hundred-pound
chick, dude.

Get the net,
man!
Shut up, shut up.

You guys are gross.

All the girls think
you guys are mugs,
anyway.

Shyeah, right.
It’s true.

Hey, Nancy...

What?
sucks.

I’m going, man.
You guys are goofs.
I’m getting out of here.

All right.
Bye, Nancy.
Later, Nance.

All right, let’s go
to the phone, okay?

Hello, you’re on the air.
Welcome to Wayne’s World.

MAN:
Hey, Wayne, man,
I am grossed out.

Grossed out?
What happened?

Okay, I was necking
with my girlfriend,

and she blew chunks
on me!

Oh, no, that’s gross!
Oh, man,
that’s gross, dude.

Tell me about it.
Big, gnarly chunks.

Aw...
Oh.

Okay, stay calm,
all right?
Stay calm.

I have a question.
Okay, what?

All right, do you still
have puke on your face?

No, I washed it off.

Did you, like,
change your shirt,
dude?

Yeah.
Okay, where’s your
girlfriend now?

Are you in danger
of being puked on
again?

No, no, man,
she passed out.

Excellent!

You’re golden,
bud.

What do you...

Oh, now I see what
you guys are getting at.

All right,
see you later.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

All right,
see you later.
All right, goodbye.

Okay, that’s all the time
we have for this week,
all right?

Until then, good night.
Party on!

Excellent.
Party on, good night.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

Uh, here are
the script changes,
Mr. Nielsen.

Thank you, Bobby.

Hello.

I’m Leslie Nielsen,
liver spot sufferer.

You know,
people ask me,

"Leslie, after so many years
in television and in movies,

are you at all embarrassed
about appearing in ads
for Blotch-Off?"

A liver spot remover
from Geritech that works
while you sleep.

The answer is no,
because Blotch-Off
really does work.

You see, I used to covered
with ugly, embarrassing
old-age spots.

You see, that could
be a real problem
in my profession.

Not as big a problem,
however, as a loss
of bladder control.

Now, imagine doing
a scene with some
lovely young actress

and soiling both
your costume and hers.

Now, that can
be embarrassing.

That’s why I wear...
DripMaster.

The undergarment
from Geritech that
takes the worry

out of walking around.

In fact,
I’m relieving myself...

( laughs )

right now.

I’m just stepping
over here now

because I’d like to tell
you about something that
I’m really proud of.

Bung King
Hemorrhoidal Cream.

You may think your
hemorrhoidal preparation
is top-notch,

but Bung King from Geritech
is the only hemorrhoidal
cream with that...

( sound dings )
touch of lanolin.

So, the next time
you feel that burning,
painful itch,

reach for Bung King,
the only hemorrhoidal
cream and suppository

with my face on it.

Now, I know you’re
thinking about...

( echoing )
diarrhea.

Well, I’m just an actor,
but I get diarrhea
all the time.

That’s why...

Solidex is always
in my medicine cabinet,

and in my make-up kit.

Ready for
another take,
Mr. Nielsen.

Well, gotta go.

And I’m ready,
thanks to Blotch-Off,

DripMaster, Bung King,
and Solidex.

Now, I can concentrate
on my craft.

Ask for the Geritech line
of personal products

when you have a problem
that’s embarrassing.

Tell them...
Leslie sent you.

Meet Leslie Nielsen
at a Wal-Mart near you

and ask Leslie to sign
your DripMaster carton.

If you think
I’m embarrassed...

If you think
I’m embarrassed

endorsing the Geritech
line of products,

you just don’t know me.

( cheers, applause )

You see?

There was some funny stuff
going on, right?

MAN: Yeah.
You’ve been a wonderful...

( cheers, applause )

You’ve been a wonderful
audience.

Thank you for coming,
and I love you.

*