Original subtitles

*

It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Al Franken...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band...

Special guests Kim Alexis, Beverly Johnson,

Cheryl Tiegs.

Musical guest, Cowboy Junkies.

And starring Leslie Nielsen.

Ladies and gentlemen, Leslie Nielsen!

( music ends, crowd cheers )

Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.

You know, if you’d told me ten years ago

that I would be hosting a comedy show like Saturday Night Live,

I would never have believed you.

I mean, for most of my career, I’ve been a dramatic actor.

But ever since Airplane and Police Squad... ( laughs )

Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad...

Everybody thinks I’m a comedian, but that’s not quite true.

A comedian is someone who says funny things.

A comic is someone who says things funny.

Well, I’m neither.

I’m someone who says unfunny things.

I say unfunny things in an unfunny way,

and somehow, it seems to end up funny.

( laughs )

You see, now, somehow, for some reason over the years--

um, maybe it’s the way I look,

or maybe it’s the sound of my voice,

but I have been cast in-- as authority figures--

Well, for example, say I’m a high school principal.

Now, in a drama, I’d say a line like this one.

I’d say, "Come in, Jimmy. Have a seat.

There’s something I think we should talk about."

Now, in a comedy,

I would deliver the same line, but I’d say it like this--

"Come in, Jimmy. Have a seat.

There’s something I think we should talk about."

( laughs )

See what I mean? Listen to them. Okay.

Well, I’m very excited about tonight’s show.

We’ve written a lot of unfunny things.

I’ll be saying them in an unfunny way.

And hopefully, everything around me will be funny--

at least, that’s what I’m counting on.

And the Cowboy Junkies are here!

We will be right back!

( cheers )

Yes? Where is Reardon?

I don’t know.

It’s too late. We just lost the account.

Well, what’ll we do now?

I know.

I’m sorry, guys, I hope...

Um...

When someone’s kept you waiting,

there’s no better way to let them know

than with Long White Beard.

Gruber’s Long White Beard

is the fast, efficient way to show them

you’ve been held up for literally ages.

Whatever your predicament,

you can strike the perfect tone

with Long White Beard.

You’ll make your point

without ever having to grope

for that perfect sarcastic phrase.

( barks )

Mr. President.

Gentlemen, I know I’m late, but I believe I...

Ouch.

Long White Beard by Gruber.

Let ’em know you’ve been waiting.

*

It’s time for the longest-running game show

in network television.

Let’s play Snap Decision!

And now, here’s the host of Snap Decision--

Bob Winkler!

Thank you, thank you. Hello.

I’m your host, Bob Winkler,

and welcome to Snap Decision.

And will you say hello to our champion--

Judy Rollins!

Hi, Bob. Yeah! ( audience applauds )

Now, Judy, it says here

that you are originally from Muncie, Indiana.

No, I’m from Muncie.

I’ll get to you in a minute.

And I hear that you’re returning to college

to become a registered nurse?

No, I’m the curator for a museum. In Muncie.

In Alabama. I’m a curator

for an art museum in Birmingham, Alabama.

All right, well, let’s meet your challengers.

Uh, Linda Fuller, where are you from?

Muncie, Indiana. And you’re a schoolteacher?

No, dental hygienist.

And Jerry Nichols, you work for an accounting firm?

Yes, Bob, right here in L.A. for ten years.

And how long have you been with them?

Ten years. Well,

we’ve got a lot of money to give away,

so let’s get started!

Remember the correct answer and you will hear a bell.

( bell dings )

Incorrect, you will hear this sound.

( same bell dings )

Okay, let’s go.

Excuse me, what do we hear if we’re wrong?

Uh, one more for the lady from Muncie.

Incorrect answer, you get the buzzer. ( buzzer sounds )

Correct, you hear the bell. ( same buzzer sounds )

Very simple. Buzzer... ( bell dings )

And the bell. ( buzzer sounds, bell dings )

All right, let’s play.

Now, Judy, you won the toss backstage,

so you go first. No, I won the toss.

All right, Jerry. I need a topic and a dollar value.

Okay, Bob, I’m gonna go with TV sitcoms for $100.

Okay. Hands on buzzers.

All right. This is the story of castaways.

They’re here for a long, long while.

( rings ) Jerry! Yes, what is it?

Gilligan’s Island,Bob.

( buzzer sounds ) I’m sorry.

( rings ) Linda!

They’re on Gilligan’s Island, Bob!

( bell dings )

Gilligan’s Island. Absolutely correct.

$100 and control of the board.

Well, now, wait a minute. I said Gilligan’s Island.

( bell dings ) Absolutely right.

You each have $100 and control of the board.

Wait, wait, wait. We can’t both have control of the board.

( bell dings ) You’re right again!

But I’m afraid you didn’t give me a topic and dollar value,

so control of the board goes to our champion, Judy.

Thank you, Bob. I think I’ll have to go with Art History for $200.

BOB: Art History for $200.

What painter lost an ear but found fame with sunflowers?

( rings ) Vincent Van Gogh.

( bell dings ) ( rings )

Uh, wait a second. That answer was already up on the board.

Oh, indeed it was.

Well, Judy, you’ll have to take a zero in the money column,

but you still have control of the board. Well, I think that’s unfair.

It’s a simple question. I would have gotten it.

I mean, I’m the curator of an art museum. It’s--

Yes. In Alabama.

Okay, another category, please.

All right. Art History for $400.

It did-- it did the same thing again. ( Jerry rings )

Pablo Picasso! BOB: That is right!

( bell dings )

But, but, but, once again,

the answer was revealed on the board,

and I cannot give you any money, but you do have control of the board.

Okay, uh, TV sitcoms for $300, Bob.

All right. They are creepy...

and they’re kooky. Mysterious and spooky.

( rings ) Who are they, Linda?

The Addams Family! ( buzzer sounds )

Oh, I’m sorry. ( bell dings )

You’re absolutely correct.

( ahooga horn blares )

And there is the signal! What does that mean, Don Pardo?

That’s the end of the first round, Bob!

( chuckles ) So, Jerry has $100,

Linda has $400, and our champion has zero,

but don’t you worry, Judy. It’s time for the Quick Cash round.

In what year did Columbus discover America?

( rings ) 1492!

( buzzer sounds ) I’m sorry, the answer is 1812.

Moving on, what Tchaikovsky overture

uses cannons in the orchestra? ( rings )

The 1812. ( buzzer sounds )

No, the answer is Sacramento.

All right, what is the capital of California?

Anyone?

Coca-Cola. I thought someone would’ve gotten that one.

And finally, what soft drink

was bottled in Atlanta in 1886?

( rings ) 1492!

( bell dings ) Correct!

Yeah!

BOB: So, at the end of the Quick Cash round,

our champ’s still at zero,

Linda is sitting pretty with $400,

and Jerry has a commanding lead

of $23,650.

Wait a minute. I mean, how can that happen?

I was in the lead. I don’t understand how-- Shut up, shut up.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Now, there’s plenty of time to catch up in the next round,

where our cash values are double.

Let’s take a break right now, though,

and get to know our players a little bit better.

Uh, Jerry, tell us some more about yourself.

Uh, well, I’m a native Californian,

and I work for Pryce-Waterhouse.

Well, Jerry, I’m afraid you’re disqualified.

Will you tell him why, Don Pardo?

All questions and answers on Snap Decision

are handled by the accounting firm Pryce-Waterhouse.

Employees of Pryce-Waterhouse

and their immediate families are ineligible

as contestants on our show.

I’m sorry to have to say goodbye, Jerry.

Wait a minute, I told every-- Maybe next time,

you’ll tell somebody where you work.

I did! I told everybody I work for Pryce-Waterhouse!

I put it on every single form.

Well, if that’s your story, stick to it.

( chuckles ) It is my-- oh, you’re--

Oh, this is nuts. You’re gonna hear from me again, pal.

Well, we’re down to the champ and her challengers.

( loud chimes sound )

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

And we know what that means, don’t we?

What does that mean? Tell us, Don Pardo.

I don’t know, Bob. I’ve never heard it before.

Well, it doesn’t matter.

It’s time for the Lightning Round.

Now, hands on buzzers.

Your category is Greco-Roman mythology.

Oh, I can see Linda doesn’t like that! ( laughs )

Best of luck. Here goes.

What is Cary Grant’s real name?

( rings ) Archibald Leach!

Oh, excuse me, my buzzer isn’t working.

What is the chemical symbol for water?

H20! Can you stop the round, please?

How many original Beach Boys were there?

Five! ( bell dings )

My thing’s not working. She wrote Gone With The Wind.

My thing doesn’t work. Margaret Mitchell!

Nickname for the Academy Award.

( rings ) Oscar! My buzzer--

My buzzer is not working. What country

does the Statue of Liberty come from?

France!

( ahooga horn blares )

Time’s up!

Our new champion is Linda!

Why, Judy...

what happened to you in that round?

My buzzer didn’t work for the-- the entire round.

Gee, that’s a tough break. Linda, can you come back tomorrow?

Tomorrow? No, I can’t come back tomorrow.

No one ever asked me about that.

I made plans for tomorrow.

Oh, well, that’s too bad.

Uh, well, that means that Judy is still our champion!

How much have you won so far, Judy, on Snap Decision?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Yeah, well, that’s great.

Can you come back tomorrow? Shut up.

Well, that’s the show for today.

We’ll see you next time

on Snap Decision!

It’s the Pat Stevens Show,

with your host Pat Stevens.

( audience applauds )

Thank you. Hello.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Pat Stevens Show.

I’m Pat Stevens. You know,

I’ve been in the beauty business a long time,

watching students of the Pat Stevens University of Beauty Culture

as they grow from girls to supermodels.

But what happens after 10 years,

hundreds of magazine covers, runways in Paris and Milan,

swimsuit issues, beautiful clothes,

free makeup, shoes, shoes, shoes...

( sighs ) Many models are left with an empty feeling.

Which feels good, don’t get me wrong--

but someone has to be there when supermodels stretch out for help.

"Pat, help me! I feel dry, I feel flaky!"

I’ll never forget that late-night call from Twiggy.

She said, "Pat--"

I can’t do the accent--

"Pat...

Pat, why don’t they take me seriously?"

I said to her, I said, "Twiggy, Twiggy, Twiggy..."

And then I just went blank. So...

Later, I sat down and I leafed through all my Vogues

and I wrote down every bit of vital information

over a salad and a cappuccino.

The result was a two-day intense comprehensive workshop seminar,

"Is There Life After Modeling?"

My guests today are all attendants of my workshop.

Please welcome supermodels Cheryl Tiegs...

( cheers )

Beverly Johnson...

Kim Alexis.

Oh, yes, and Herb Lacrue.

( cheers )

Oh, well.

So exciting to have all of you models here.

Cheryl, Beverly, Kim-- you’re all former models.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank you.

Thank you.

Beverly Johnson,

you were the first black woman

on the cover of Vogue--

the quintessential high-fashion model.

Cheryl Tiegs, you’ve been on every magazine

from Time to Sports Illustrated.

And Kim Alexis, you have graced the covers of some 400 magazines worldwide.

And Herb Lacrue, you had a career as a catalog model.

Why, yes, Pat. I modeled for some 30-odd years.

Mainly catalog work, but at the height of my career,

I was the Black & Decker man.

And, Lord, you know, I didn’t want to leave the business.

I was forced out. ( chuckles )

That’s a heartbreaking story.

Now, Beverly, what drew you, supermodel,

to my "Is There Life After Modeling" seminar?

Well, I guess it was the literature you sent me, Pat.

The facilities pictured inside the pamphlet looked great.

Oh, yes, that was my cousin’s house in Bel Air.

Wouldn’t you know it-- house guest the day I was gonna have my seminar.

Well, that was very misleading.

I thought the people at the Holiday Inn,

though, were very accommodating.

Yes. Now, Cheryl,

you told me that you learned a lot about yourself

and you became very close to everyone you met at the seminar.

Now, why do you think that happened?

Because there were only four of us there.

It was myself, and Kim, and Beverly, and...

Herb was there.

Well, sure. And Kim didn’t arrive until the second day,

so for one full day,

I was alone with... just Herb and myself.

I didn’t realize how long it had been

since I’d really spilled out my guts to somebody,

and I had a lot to get off my chest.

Bev was just a wonderful listener.

Well, Herb, I understand.

There are times in our lives when things look impossibly bleak,

but we rub in a little Grecian Formula and get on with it.

Now, um... ( clears throat )

If we may move along to Kim,

we haven’t heard from her yet.

Now, Kim, what was your favorite part of the seminar?

Well, Pat, I think it was the creative visualization.

Oh, yeah, and that came with a free body wax.

( chuckles ) Actually, it was during the waxing treatment

that I had most of my visualization.

Now, what did you see when you were visualizing?

Uh, I guess I visualized myself about 10 years from now.

I visualized myself getting younger.

Oddly enough, um, when I was younger,

I wanted to be a model, um...

And then I was gonna go to college,

and got discovered by a talent scout in New York,

so... and here I am. The rest was history.

The same thing happened to me, Pat.

You know, I-- I was spotted on the way to school one day

by a man who offered me a modeling contract,

and, uh... well, that turned out to be something else, you know.

But... I-- I did sign then with Montgomery Ward.

Thank you, Herb. I modeled fedoras and thermal underwear.

Then I did hand work-- rings and watches... Thank you, Herb.

and, uh, you know, power tools. Herb, Herb--

As a former model-- as a former model,

you were welcome to attend the workshop,

but really, I wish you would’ve written first.

Now, um... Cheryl...

Let’s-- let’s discuss a topic, please,

that we covered at the seminar.

Now, Jean Shrimpton was the first supermodel,

and we mentioned Twiggy, and of course, all of you.

Now, has there ever been a male supermodel?

No, absolutely not. Male models never really reach that status.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Ted Ritzel came darn close.

Yes, thank you for that-- for that information.

Um, we are running out of time here,

and I’d like to focus on the issue of transition.

Now, models today-- and I think, former models and women--

are facing the biggest transition of their lives.

We are asked to move to color as a fashion statement.

Let me just throw this at you--

are you afraid of color?

Well, at one time in my life, I was afraid of red.

Oh, hell, I used to model checkered jackets,

checkered slacks, plaid jackets...

You know, I’d wear-- if I could get back into modeling,

I’d wear any color. I’d make a fashion statement--

"Put me back to work!" ( laughs )

( audience cheers )

Yes.

( clears throat ) Wrapping up-- wrapping up here,

Beverly, you are an actress.

You have made some eight movies.

You are now moving on to more projects. Yes.

Cheryl Tiegs, you have your own signature line

of clothing, shoes, swimwear.

Uh, Kim Alexis, you are the beauty editor

on Good Morning America. Network TV.

And a baby on the way. Congratulations there.

And Herb Lacrue?

I have a mail-order bulb and seed business.

Okay.

Life goes on.

Well, ladies, we’re out of time,

and I have for all of you a complimentary issue of Voguemagazine.

Here you go. I’ll include you, Herb.

You never know when you’re gonna have time to read.

And let’s do the exercise we learned at the seminar.

Placing your Vogues in place... now, lift.

And lift. I’m Pat Stevens.

Bye-bye, now.

Stretch and burn. Keep it up.

You’ve been watching the Pat Stevens Show

with your host Pat Stevens.

*

And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell ya?

Reacting to worldwide attention given to his death warrant

for Satanic Verses author Salman Rusdie,

the Ayatollah Khomeini today issued additional death warrants

for other authors whose works he finds offensive and blasphemous--

Sidney Sheldon’s The Sands of Time,

Jackie Collins’ Rock Star,

and of course, Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal.

Satanic Versesis the Heresy-of-the-Month club selection for February.

Khomeini said he would give a $206 bounty

to the man who kills the writer of the Cliff Notes for Satanic Verses.

But... even the Ayatollah had to admit

that you shouldn’t use the Cliff Notes.

Rushdie’s name is interesting in itself.

It’s an old-world family name,

meaning "Someone who is in a rush to die."

( laughs )

And... the worst part of Rushdie’s week

was when his price had been set at 2.6 million dollars,

he was knocked out of the top spot the next day

by Dodger pitcher Orel Hershiser,

who signed a three-year pact averaging 2.7 million dollars.

Sorry, Rushdie.

And, did you hear the latest?

Rushdie apologized this morning.

( clucks mockingly )

And it only got him into deeper trouble

as a group of radical First-Amendment proponents here in the United States

put a price on his head for going back on his free speech position.

The last Soviet soldier left Afghanistan this week.

The war cost the Soviet Union some 15,000 lives

and undisclosed millions of rubles,

but according to an inside source,

the Western boycott of the 1980 Olympic games

really forced the issue.

The jailed anti-apartheid activist Nelson Mandela

may end up divorcing Winnie Mandela

because of accusations that his wife’s bodyguards,

who pose as a soccer team,

kidnap black youths and tortured them in her presence.

You know, it’s an odd coincidence, but that’s the same reason given

for the Tom Hayden- Jane Fonda break-up.

And Weekend Update correspondent Al Franken

joins us tonight with a brand-new feature--

Jokes for MacNeil-Lehrer Viewers.

Al Franken. Thank you, Dennis.

( cheers )

Thank you, Dennis. And here are this week’s jokes

for viewers of the MacNeil-Lehrer News Hour.

The administration responded today to congressional criticism

that proposed fee increases for certain government services

violate President Bush’s pledge of no new taxes.

Budget Director Richard Darman

told House Ways & Means Chairman Dan Rostenkowski,

quote, "Read my lips.

"A charge levied by a Federal agency or department

"for a service exceeding the previous charge for the same service

will be called a ’user fee’, not a new tax."

( audience laughs )

The Senate Armed Services Committee

has delayed confirmation of John Tower

pending an investigation into allegations of alcoholism,

womanizing, and financial misconduct.

Ted Kennedy, who sits on the committee,

says he is particularly curious

about the financial misconduct.

And now, a photo joke

for MacNeil-Lehrerviewers.

In the Kremlin this week, the Politburo

voted to execute Andrei Gromyko.

Drug Czar designate William Bennett

is evidently having some difficulty

honoring his pledge to give up cigarettes.

Bennett told reporters at a press conference this week

that he will go back to smoking two packs a day,

and said, quote, "Legalizing crack wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Now, get that microphone out of my face, pal."

And finally, La Toya Jackson, Michael’s sister,

who appeared last month in Playboy,

will undergo more plastic surgery to play the lead in a Disney movie.

La Toya will play a Volkswagen Bug

in Herbie Goes To Hollywood.

She entered Cedars-Sinai Hospital today.

They have the front and rear bumpers implanted.

Al? Uh... Yes, Dennis?

Well, what’s-- what’s with the last story about La Toya Jackson, Al?

What is that? I thought you were doing MacNeil-Lehrerjokes here.

Well, I-- I don’t wanna die out here.

Thank you. Al Franken with jokes

for MacNeil-Lehrer viewers.

Thank you, Al. Thank you.

And this is Millie, the Bushes’ Springer Spaniel,

and she is pregnant.

But she says she’s not yet ready to be a single parent

and wants an abortion.

Despite the President’s objections,

Millie says she’ll take full advantage of her rights

under the little-known 1975 Supreme Court Lassie versus Benji decision.

And Vice President Dan Quayle this week

defended his unflinching anti-abortion views,

saying there’re only two reasons a woman should have an abortion--

one, if her health is threatened,

or two, if she doesn’t want to have the baby.

Visiting Prince Charles and Vice President Dan Quayle

had tea together yesterday at the British Embassy in Washington,

and at least they had something in common.

Charles is only 40, and Quayle is just 42,

and those are IQs. I’m not sure of the ages.

The California Horse-Racing Board

dropped a bomb on the sport last week

when officials confirmed that horses trained by D. Wayne Lukas,

the most financially successful trainer in racing history

and Laz Barrera Hall of Fame member since 1979,

have been found to have raced on cocaine at the Del Mar track last August.

Lukas and Barrera both deny any wrongdoing,

but the horses themselves were apprehended

after the two were seen chatting in the Winner’s Circle

and acting like they were much more interesting than they actually were.

And Oklahoma quarterback Charles Thompson this week

was arrested on charges of selling 17 grams of cocaine

to an FBI agent for $1,400

after earlier in the week lecturing elementary school students

on the dangers of drugs.

Kids, when is it gonna sink in?

Just say no... to athletes.

And due to the proliferation of cocaine abuse in the music industry,

the name of the highest award has now been changed to the Gram.

Excuse me while I kiss the sky.

( "Purple Haze" plays )

You know...

this...

( applause, cheers )

I thank you and Jimi thanks you.

You know, this week is National Condom Week,

and I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not,

but this also marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year last week,

and it’s the Year of the Snake, and, uh...

if you want to read anything into that, go right ahead.

Mark Christian, Rock Hudson’s lover,

had his damages upped yesterday from 14.5 million dollars

to 21.75 million dollars

as the jury had recommended the additional 7.25 million be given

because Hudson had failed to reveal to him that he had AIDS.

The first 14 million was awarded because Hudson repeatedly,

night after night, made Christian watch him in Pillow Talk.

Incidentally, with his newfound riches,

Christian says he now plans to quit his job as a toxic waste handler.

And former Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard David Duke today was elected

to the Louisiana state legislature.

Duke denies he is a Nazi and a racist

and says he plans to keep in touch with the people

using Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s old favorite, the fireside chat method.

The real James Bond-- an ornithologist whose name was used by Ian Fleming

for the fictional British agent 007 died this week.

Doctors say his death was by natural causes,

compounded by poison, arrow, shark, and laser beam wounds.

And actor George O’Hanlon died this week at age 76.

O’Hanlon, after unsuccessfully auditioning

for the voice of Fred Flintstone,

became the voice of cartoon world’s man of the future, George Jetson.

Appropriately enough, O’Hanlon’s last words

were "Jane! Stop this crazy thing!"

A spokesman for the estate said, "Reorge is rone. Rough-- very rough."

And...

The joke was on them this week

as these six men squeegeed away the Pacific Ocean

in an effort to be the first aboard the sunken vessel the Titanic

only to find out that the Titanic is in the Atlantic Ocean.

Actor James Caan was recovering from injuries

he received in a motorcycle accident this week.

Caan flew over the handlebars of his bike

when he swerved to avoid the oncoming car driven by actor Gary Busey,

who was returning home from a rehab center.

An uplifting side note to this story--

Busey was wearing a helmet in the car.

And Diane Sawyer jumped over to the ABC network last week

to do her own primetime show with co-anchor Sam Donaldson.

When queried as to whether she would be intimidated by working with Donaldson,

who is said to be a forceful personality,

Sawyer said, "No, Same makes suggestions,

but I can make up my own mind."

Guess what, folks? That’s the news tonight.

I’m outta here.

*

You are watching Cable 10.

Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

Cable 10 is not responsible for the content

or views expressed by the participants

in this program.

*

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, Wayne’s World *

Excellent! Whoo!

Excellent. All right, all right.

Okay, like, welcome to Wayne’s World.

All right, here’s your excellent host, Wayne Campbell.

Party! Party hearty!

It’s Friday, it’s 10:30. Man, it’s time to party.

Welcome to Wayne’s World.

I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always, is Garth.

Party on, Wayne. All right, party on, Garth.

Now, let’s bring out our first guest.

His name is Beev, and he owns Wishing Well convenience store.

So, here’s Beev.

* It’s Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, Wayne’s World *

* Party time *

Hi, Beev. How are you, man?

I’m all right, Wayne. How are you?

Excellent. How are you, Garth?

Excellent, Dad.

Bonus.

So, Beev, what gives, huh?

How come you moved the pop cooler

from the back of the store all the way to the front of the store, huh?

Well, Wayne, as you know, Wishing Well convenience

has experienced a rash of shoplifting lately...

especially of the soft drinks.

So, I thought I’d move the cooler to the front of the store

where I can keep an eye on it.

All right, that’s a great idea.

Good work, Beev.

But, Garth, I got a question for you. What?

Okay, your dad is Beev, right? Yeah.

At home, is he a goof, or what?

I mean, does he tell you not to do stuff,

like, you know, read the magazines?

Well, yeah, sometimes, you know.

He’s just a normal dad, you know,

But I wish he could get his teeth fixed

so people wouldn’t keep calling him "the Beev".

It’s really bogus. ( laughs )

Okay, now it’s time for Wayne’s Top Ten.

* Wayne’s Top Ten, Top Ten *

* Party Time, Top Ten *

All right, tonight’s Top Ten topic

is the Top Ten Things That Beev Says.

All right, number ten, "Hey, you kids, buy something or leave."

( Wayne and Garth laugh )

Number nine, "Are you gonna buy that magazine?

This isn’t a library."

Number eight, "Either you empty out your pockets

or you are banned from the store."

Number seven, "Shouldn’t you kids be in class?"

Number six, "Eat your junk food outside of the store."

Number five, "Are you gonna buy that magazine?

This isn’t a library."

Number four, "Wayne’s the coolest guy in the world."

Number three, "All the chicks dig Wayne big time."

Number two, "I wish I was as cool as Wayne."

And number one, "Hi, my name is Beev...

I’m a big fag."

Oh, man. You little punk!

You’re banned from the store, you long-haired freak.

Hey, Wayne. that’s, like, my dad, dude.

All right, take a pill, all right?

I’m joking, okay? God, chill. Don’t go mental.

I’ll see you at home, Garth.

Later, Dad.

Wayne, you goof, man. I can’t believe it.

Garth, chill, okay?

Okay. All right, Beev, uh--

Beev can’t stay. He has other commitments.

So, let’s bring out our next guest.

Her name is Nancy and she’s an excellent babe. Please welcome Nancy.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party Time, Excellent *

Whoo! Whoa!

Hi, Nancy. How are you, babe?

Hi, I’m okay. Hi, Wayne.

Good, good.

All right, let’s get to the point-- do you stuff?

No.

But I know who does. Excellent.

Who?

Sally. Susan.

Susan? What a gypola, man. Yeah.

Okay, the next question is, do you like Garth?

Oh, shut up, you gimp! ( laughs )

No! I have a boyfriend.

God! Well, what do chicks think of us?

Well, a lot of girls like Garth ’cause he’s real quiet.

But most girls think you’re conceited, Wayne.

No way. Uh-huh. Way.

No way. Way. Sorry.

You think you’re so cool just ’cause you’ve got a show.

Man, that’s so bogus. It’s true.

Well, if you think-- if you think I’m conceited,

you’re wrong, all right? Uh-uh.

’Cause... I’m just trying to impress you

because I-- I really like you, you know?

I think you’re an excellent person. I think you’re great.

I love you in every way.

Really?

Fished in! All right!

Shut up!

We caught us a hundred-pound chick, dude.

Get the net, man! Shut up, shut up.

You guys are gross.

All the girls think you guys are mugs, anyway.

Shyeah, right. It’s true.

Hey, Nancy...

What? sucks.

I’m going, man. You guys are goofs. I’m getting out of here.

All right. Bye, Nancy. Later, Nance.

All right, let’s go to the phone, okay?

Hello, you’re on the air. Welcome to Wayne’s World.

MAN: Hey, Wayne, man, I am grossed out.

Grossed out? What happened?

Okay, I was necking with my girlfriend,

and she blew chunks on me!

Oh, no, that’s gross! Oh, man, that’s gross, dude.

Tell me about it. Big, gnarly chunks.

Aw... Oh.

Okay, stay calm, all right? Stay calm.

I have a question. Okay, what?

All right, do you still have puke on your face?

No, I washed it off.

Did you, like, change your shirt, dude?

Yeah. Okay, where’s your girlfriend now?

Are you in danger of being puked on again?

No, no, man, she passed out.

Excellent!

You’re golden, bud.

What do you...

Oh, now I see what you guys are getting at.

All right, see you later.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

All right, see you later. All right, goodbye.

Okay, that’s all the time we have for this week, all right?

Until then, good night. Party on!

Excellent. Party on, good night.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

Uh, here are the script changes, Mr. Nielsen.

Thank you, Bobby.

Hello.

I’m Leslie Nielsen, liver spot sufferer.

You know, people ask me,

"Leslie, after so many years in television and in movies,

are you at all embarrassed about appearing in ads for Blotch-Off?"

A liver spot remover from Geritech that works while you sleep.

The answer is no, because Blotch-Off really does work.

You see, I used to covered with ugly, embarrassing old-age spots.

You see, that could be a real problem in my profession.

Not as big a problem, however, as a loss of bladder control.

Now, imagine doing a scene with some lovely young actress

and soiling both your costume and hers.

Now, that can be embarrassing.

That’s why I wear... DripMaster.

The undergarment from Geritech that takes the worry

out of walking around.

In fact, I’m relieving myself...

( laughs )

right now.

I’m just stepping over here now

because I’d like to tell you about something that I’m really proud of.

Bung King Hemorrhoidal Cream.

You may think your hemorrhoidal preparation is top-notch,

but Bung King from Geritech is the only hemorrhoidal cream with that...

( sound dings ) touch of lanolin.

So, the next time you feel that burning, painful itch,

reach for Bung King, the only hemorrhoidal cream and suppository

with my face on it.

Now, I know you’re thinking about...

( echoing ) diarrhea.

Well, I’m just an actor, but I get diarrhea all the time.

That’s why...

Solidex is always in my medicine cabinet,

and in my make-up kit.

Ready for another take, Mr. Nielsen.

Well, gotta go.

And I’m ready, thanks to Blotch-Off,

DripMaster, Bung King, and Solidex.

Now, I can concentrate on my craft.

Ask for the Geritech line of personal products

when you have a problem that’s embarrassing.

Tell them... Leslie sent you.

Meet Leslie Nielsen at a Wal-Mart near you

and ask Leslie to sign your DripMaster carton.

If you think I’m embarrassed...

If you think I’m embarrassed

endorsing the Geritech line of products,

you just don’t know me.

( cheers, applause )

You see?

There was some funny stuff going on, right?

MAN: Yeah. You’ve been a wonderful...

( cheers, applause )

You’ve been a wonderful audience.

Thank you for coming, and I love you.

*