All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E12.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

Thanks, Woody.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Mr. Callahan.

Woody, fill ’er up.

Oh, Senator Tower,
it’s closing time.

Then give me
the bottle!

Geez. Don’t you think
you’ve had a little
too much?

Let me tell you something.

You wanna know something?

The only drinking
problem I have

is drinking too much.

But it doesn’t matter,
because I’m going to
be confirmed.

Oh, really?
Geez, I was confirmed,
but I was 13.

Do you know what
my confirmation name was?

Paul.

They picked it because
he was my favorite Beatle.

Woody, I can
have you killed.

Bring me the bottle.

Sam?

Senator Tower.

Come on, Sam.
All I want is
another drink.

Now, Senator Tower,
you know I can’t
serve anybody after 2:00,

especially alcoholics.

Look, tell ya what.
Let’s make a deal.

You give me
another drink,

and I’ll give you
John Tower’s tips
for picking up women.

Woody, give me
the bottle.

All right,
but just one drink,
here, senator.

You’re not
gonna regret this.

Okay, keep it comin’.
Level it off, come on.

Let’s don’t
be stingy.

That’s it.
Keep it comin’.

( LOUD SLURPING )

Senator, that’s it.

That’s it.

Okay. Okay.

The secret to
picking up women?

Tell them
defense secrets.

What if you
don’t know any?

Okay, here’s one
to get you started.

Our Trident submarines...

they can be tracked
with a simple ham radio. Ha!

Senator Tower,
you shouldn’t be

tellin’ us
stuff like that.

It’s closing time.
I’m gonna have to
ask you to go.

I want everybody
to go now.

What about him?

Governor Dukakis,
do you need
a ride home?

Sam, did I tell you
that I came in second

for the president
of the United States?

Yes, governor,
you did.

Did I tell you that
my parents were immigrants?
Greek immigrants?

Yes, governor,
you did.

Governor, it’s
closing time.

Michael.

I have been looking
all over for you.

Oh, Kitty, you’re out.

And you’re drunk.

Yes, I’m drunk.

I’ve had some
mixed drinks.

I’ve had some cocktails,
some shots,

some highballs,
chasers.

And I’m flyin’,
I’m blind, stinking drunk.

Michael,
come home with me.

I’ll go home
with you.

Senator Tower,
that’s my wife
you’re talkin’ to.

Michael.

I’m sorry.
That was the liquor talking.

No, listen.
I’m the one
who should be sorry.

It’s just that I need
a woman so bad!

Senator Tower,
you shouldn’t be here.

You have a confirmation
hearing tomorrow.

What are you gonna
tell that committee?

I’m gonna look them
straight in the eye
and say,

Live from New York...

It’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Mike Myers.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Musical guest
Luther Vandross.

And starring
Ted Danson.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ted Danson.

Thank you.

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I get the impression
that some of you

were only applauding because
you saw other people doing it.

Now listen.

Don’t do that.

Really, I’m serious.
Don’t give in to peer pressure.

Only applaud if you find
something truly amusing.

( APPLAUSE )

Or if you see
the applause sign light up.

( APPLAUSE )

Okay.

I have a new movie.

It’s called Cousins.

It’s based on
a French movie.

Cousin, Cousine.

And the funny thing is,
last year, I was in a film

that was also a remake
of a French movie,

Three Men
And A Baby.

( APPLAUSE )

I swear to you,
I swear to you,

what I didn’t know
until I got here

was Saturday Night Live
itself, this very show,

is based on a popular
comedy series in France.

No, seriously.

Tonight’s show was taken
directly from an episode

that aired in France
just last week.

Have a look. It’s in French,
but you’ll get it.

( THEME MUSIC PLAYS )

( DON PARDO
SPEAKS IN FRENCH )

Ah, yes.
The French.

Well, we can’t be entirely
faithful to the original.

Some French humor
really doesn’t translate.

But I’m confident
it’s gonna be a great show.

And now
the monologue’s over,

I’m feelin’
this deep sense of relief.

Listen, that was refreshing.

We have a nice,
great show,

with Luther Vandross,
so stick around.

Sometimes it seems,
no matter how hard you scrub,

no matter how hard
you clean,

you just can’t
rid your home of...

Oh.

Sewer rats.

Who needs it?
Not you.

Not anymore.
Not with Sleepytime rat control.

Sleepytime?
How does it work?

It’s not a poison,
it’s not a trap.

It’s a powerful sedative
that puts rats to sleep.

Deep sleep.

Up to six full hours
of sleep.

And a sleeping rat,
while admittedly not ideal,

is a whole lot better
than a wide-awake rat.

Mm-hmm.

So why live with this...

...when you can have this.

That’s more like it.

Sleepytime.

You’ll sleep better
knowing they’re sleeping.

Sleepytime rat control.

For deep sleep.

So I told her I’d
cover for her, right?

And I ended up
doing all of her work,

and I don’t get paid,
and I don’t get credit.

You know what?
It’s my fault.

You know what?
It is your fault.

You’ve gotta learn
to set limits, that’s all.

You have to learn
to say no.

You’re afraid to say no
because you want
people to like you.

And that’s bull,
because people are
going to like you

and if they do not
like you, that’s
their problem.

I have
the same problem.

I’m always trying
to please everybody.

I can never say no
because I really don’t
feel like I’m entitled.

I know. Exactly.
And that’s why
it’s so important

that we spend
time together,

that we enjoy
each other,

so it’s important
we spend time,
am I right?

- Yeah, take the time.
- Just the three of us.

- Together.
- Spending time.

- ( DOORBELL RINGS )
- Hold that thought.

- Howdy, neighbor.
- Oh, uh, hi, Rich.

Listen, this is just
my way of saying

thank you for taking
care of my mail while
I was on vacation.

Oh, well, hey,
I’m not interrupting
anything, am I?

Well, uh, not really.

Well, great, great.

Hi. I’m Rich.

BOTH: Hi.

I know Brenda here.
She’s a friend of mine.

- You a friend
of Brenda, too?
- Yeah.

Great. I hope I’m
not buggin’ you here,
am I?

No, we’re
just talking.

Just the three of us.
Nothing important.

Well, great.

Listen, I’m Rich.

I know Brenda,
because she’s my neighbor.

And let’s see.
You are?

Kathy.

Kathy.
And you are?

- Jennifer.
- Excuse me?

( LOUDLY )
Jennifer.

Jennifer.
All right.

Kathy, Jennifer,
Brenda, Rich.

There’s gonna be
a quiz later on.

( WEAK LAUGHTER )

All right, so.

Jennifer, what do you do?

I’m gonna be back
to you in a minute, Kathy,

so you’re not
off the hook.

I’m a buyer.

You’re a buyer.

So what does that mean?
What do you buy?

You buy houses, groceries?
What do you buy?

- Sportswear.
- I’m gonna open this.

I’m gonna
help you.

Sportswear.
What does that mean?

You have
jogging suits?

God, is he gonna
leave or what?

I can’t believe
he just sat down.

Maybe you shouldn’t
open the wine.

I said I would
open the wine.
I have to open the wine.

All right, open the wine,
but don’t give him any.

- Maybe that will...
- Don’t give him any?

- That’s ridiculous.
- Okay, fine. Fine.
I’ll get a glass.

- Jiminy Christmas.
- I don’t know what to do.

All right. Fine.

So... Kathy,
where do you live?

On the upper west side.

Great. Don’t you love it
up there? How do you like it?

I like it. It’s great.

Yeah. You know, I found
a great salad bar up there.

Everything you could
wanna eat.

It’s like a meal
in itself.

They got chopped dates,
they got artichokes.

They have those
big red croutons.

The artichoke hearts...
did I mention
artichoke hearts?

I can eat there
day in, day out.
It is so filling.

What is going on?

I’m sorry. You guys
were taking so long.

Taking so long?
We’re trying to
get rid of this guy.

I know!

If you know,
then help us out.

Okay. I didn’t
want him to come over.

So how’s your mom?

You know, she’s
the same as ever.

When she wants me,
she just wants me
to drop everything,

and of course,
I do.

Sorry.

So, Brenda.

Hey, have you had a chance
to talk to our new super?

Is he a character
or what?

In what way?
What do you mean?

Well, what I mean is,
the guy barely speaks English,

and he’s way overweight.

How much do you think
he weighs?

I don’t know.

- Well, guess.
- I don’t know.

Well, come on, guess.

I don’t even
think about it.

Well, I say he’s
about 250, 255.

Something
like that.

I am so sorry.

You know me, though,
aiming to please,
aiming to please.

- Aiming to please.
- I know. Tell me about it.

Oh, God, let’s just
get rid of this guy, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Brenda?
- Brenda?

- BOTH: Brenda?
- Where is she?

I’m sorry.

Well, hey,
I gotta go.

Thanks for
the wine, Rich.

Yeah, no problem.

Kathy, Jennifer.

- Jennifer, Kathy.
- Nice meeting you.

Bye-bye.

Get them confused.

What just happened here?

I’ll tell you
what happened.

We didn’t
assert ourselves.

We didn’t tell him
we wanted to be alone.

We weren’t honest
with him.

We weren’t honest
with ourselves.

We have to be honest
with ourselves.

We’re entitled to that,
for crying out loud.

( ALL TALKING
AT ONCE )

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening.
What can I tell you?

The Tower hearings have been
suspended for 12 days,

with John Tower still denying
he has a drinking problem.

Here’s a highlight from
this week’s session.

I would like to get you
to tell this committee

and the American people

your own attitude towards
the consumption of alcohol,

if you are confirmed as
secretary of defense,

while you are
secretary of defense.

And you have assured us,

and I would hope
you would also give us,

in public, your own
view towards alcohol,

and whether you yourself
have any alcohol problem.

I have none, senator.

I am a man
of some discipline.

If John Tower is rejected
by the committee,

he is expected to be
replaced as secretary of defense

by lookalike Mishu,
the smallest man in the world,

from the Ringling Bros.
circus.

Asked about rumors of his own
extra-marital affairs,

Mishu said, "Never. I’m still
in love with the little woman."

And I am... Mishu.

George Bush
this week announced

Dan Quayle’s first big
assignment as vice-president.

Quayle
was named chairman

of a joint executive
Congressional commission

that will look into
the reasons why

Dan Quayle was elected
vice-president.

It turns out that
George Bush is a fun-loving guy.

One of his favorite games
is Follow the Leader.

And Oliver North’s trial
got underway this week

after the prolonged
jury selection process

to find 12 jurors who had
no preconceptions about North.

This is what’s wrong
with the American legal system.

The entire thing is based on
a system of trial by jury,

and the only way
you can get on a jury

is if you prove
beyond a shadow of a doubt

that you know nothing about
the case you’re about to try.

Consequently, we have people’s
lives being determined

by 12 people in a room
whose main goal in life

is to wrap it up
and get home in time

to watch Alicereruns
on the super station,

because they think Flo
is a real hoot.

Here’s a Jim Bakker
trial update.

The Bakker defense team
suffered a setback

when the judge denied
a change of venue

from
the North Carolina court.

Bakker said his case
was prejudiced

in the Charlotte area.

The judge said
it was only fitting

to try Bakker
in Charlotte,

because he’s been
a charlatan his whole life.

President Bush submitted his
budget to Congress this week,

and even with optimistic
economic projections,

the budget includes a deficit
of almost $100 billion.

A hundred billion dollars.

That’s a hard figure
to comprehend.

So to help you out here,
imagine if you will

that this is
a $5 billion bill.

It would take a stack
of 20 of these

to make $100 billion.

Now here’s what
that would look like.

A hundred billion dollars.

Boggles the mind.

On Wednesday, a presidential
panel recommended

that tobacco should be
classified as a drug by the FDA.

This explains Thursday’s
takeover

of the American tobacco company
by Panama’s General Noriega.

And in geo-political news
this week,

things are looking a lot better
in Northern Ireland.

And this week,
the Iranian Sports Illustrated

also had its annual
swimwear issue.

No wonder Iranian guys
are so tense, huh?

And Swimwear Illustrated
this week

had its special once-a-year
sports coverage issue.

Last week,
the American Music Association

honored the most popular
entertainers of 1988,

and the big winner
was George Michael.

It was a double triumph
for the singer,

who also debuted
his long-awaited
Diet Coke commercial

during the broadcast.

Weekend Updatemanaged to get
an exclusive interview

with the pop star, but before
we talk with George,

let’s take a quick look
at why he’s so darn popular.

* ’ Cause I gotta
have faith *

* I gotta have faith *

* I gotta, gotta
have faith *

* I gotta have faith *

* Faith-ah *

Congratulations,
George.

You swept the American
Music Awards.

Tell me, how did it feel
to take home the trophies?

It was great, Dennis.
It was absolutely great.

But I just want to apologize
to my fans for my appearance

in that Diet Coke spot.

You know, George,
you got millions
for that ad.

Do you feel like
you sold out?

No, it wasn’t that, Dennis.

They shot this extravagant
60-second commercial

featuring me,
and I ask you,

where was my butt?

One full minute,
not one shot of my butt.

Well, you saw it.

I wanted to bloody kill
the editor.

It was shot of boot,
beard shot,

belt, bullfighter,
hair, crowd, face

hands, boot, hair.

And I told them specifically
it was supposed to be butt shot,

shot of the hair,
back to the butt,

hand, butt, hand, butt,
hand, butt,

belt, butt, beard,
butt, belt, butt,

earring, face, butt,
butt, earring, tight,

hold on the butt,
hold on the butt.

It’s a formula,
but it bloody works.

George...

Now level with me.

Do you really think
you can build
an entire ad campaign

around your rear end?

Well, it’s a great
butt, Dennis.

I mean, it’s an absolutely
fabulous heinie, you know.

I went straight to
that agency that handled
that stupid commercial,

and I said,
what about my butt?
Where is it?

And they went on about
the bullfighter

and the role of
the rock singer
in the late ’80s,

and I said, I don’t care
about all that.

Show me one shot
of my butt.

And they didn’t
have one.

It’s the best butt
in video today.
I mean, look at it.

- Look at it.
- We can see it, George.

George, we’re all
looking at it.

- Look at it!
- We can see it.

I take good care
of it, Dennis.

I take good care of it.
I shine it, buff it,

shave it, weather strip it,
and chemical peel.

And that’s just
maintenance, Dennis.

Do you know that,
if I sunbathe in the nude,

I rub on 25 or 30
sunscreen factor
on my butt,

and then, I put
a big hat on it.

That’s a lot
of work, George.

Let’s move on.

You’ve had great success
as a cross-over artist.

What are
your plans, George?

It’s not like I don’t
know what I’m talking
about, Dennis.

It’s perfectly round.
Look at it.

It’s a perfect circle.
I know, I’ve measured it.

It’s geometrically perfect.

It’s so perfect that
English scientists use it

to calibrate
their instruments with.

So don’t tell me
it doesn’t belong in

some stupid
Diet Coke ad.

Nobody is arguing
that, George.

Look at it.
Accept it.

Look at it, Dennis.
Look at my butt!

The worse thing you can do
is try to ignore it.

It’s a total circle.
Don’t you see?

You can’t hide from it.

It’s a force
to be reckoned with.

Accept it before
it destroys you.

Bow down before it, Dennis!
Look at it!

Thank you.
Thank you, George.
Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
George Michael.

What an ass.

Now listen, I hate to
even bring this up,

’cause I don’t wanna
look like a nitpicker,

but I thought I noticed it
a couple of months ago,

and I saw it again
the other night.

I think thirtysomething
is an okay show.

But in their title sequence,

when they put the actual words
"thirtysomething"

up on the screen,

I guess nobody’s
noticed it yet,

but they’re using two
different kinds of typeface,

and it looks
really bad, really weird,

and they forgot to
capitalize "thirty."

The new Japanese ambassador
moved into

his embassy office
in Washington this week.

He was built by Sony,

and comes complete with
a diplomatic dossier

and a full year’s
warranty.

MCA president Lew Wasserman
stepped down this week

and said he was gonna
go chase a Frisbee in the park.

This is the new--

What the hell’s
goin’ on over there?

I got a life
over here, boys.

This is the new Patek Philippe
Calibre ’89 watch,

which will be sold at auction
in Geneva on April 9th.

The watch performs
33 functions,

and is expected to fetch
$6.4 million.

For $6.4 million,

I’ll tell you what one of those
functions better be, huh?

And Delta Airlines this week
issued a new ruling

through the FAA.

They have now ruled
that Shih Tzu dogs

may fly in
the first-class compartment,

but over-the-hill
Hungarian actresses

with silly names must fly
below in baggage.

Zsa Zsa.

It was 25 years ago
this week

that the Beatles landed
at JFK Airport,

and they should be
getting in to Manhattan,

oh, any minute now.

Well, former President Reagan
turned 78 last Monday.

Since he left
the White House,

he no longer has use of the
White House makeup facilities,

and is quite
a different man.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Murder, war, corruption.

It’s a crazy world
out there.

I know. I get depressed
just thinking about it.

You know, I think
I’d go nuts myself

if it weren’t
for the hogs.

I know what you mean.

I wonder
what’s on the tube.

Seen the TV Guide?

I think
the hogs have it.

Hey, look.

Pearls. Just kidding.

- Got it?
- Yeah.

Oh, look, here’s
the clicker, too.

As long as you’re up,
can you move that hog
over there?

Just to the right?

Come on, sweetheart.

Great.

( PHONE RINGS )

Excuse me.

Hello.

Well, I’m sorry
you feel that way.

Are you sure?
Okay.

Who was that?

Oh, the new
cleaning lady quit.

Again?

Did she say why?

She didn’t say;
she just quit.

That doesn’t
make any sense.

Unless maybe
it’s the hogs.

No, I think
she was just unhappy.

Boy, ya know,
sweetheart,

I’ve been thinking
about the hogs.

What about the hogs?

Sometimes, I look at
this apartment,

and I look at
our lives,

and I look at the hogs.

Yeah, the hogs.

Sometimes I think
we should start over,

go somewhere
with nothing.

What do you mean,
without the hogs?

No, no.
I mean with
just the hogs.

Quit the firm,
move out into
the country,

or maybe just even
a new apartment.

You always think
that way when the new
cleaning lady quits.

- ( DOORBELL RINGS )
- You’re right.

I’ll get it.

Watch out for
the hogs, please.

Yeah?

I’m your downstairs
neighbor.

I’m here to
complain about...

the hogs.

Well, why? Have they
done something wrong?

Yes. They exist.

What is it?
What’s the matter?

Well, I think it’s
something wrong
with the hogs.

No, the hogs are fine.

No, they are
not fine.

They root around
on my ceiling day and night.

They are ruining
my life.

You know, it’s
awfully easy to blame
all the problems of the world

on hogs.

Yeah, blame it
on the hogs,
blame it on the hogs.

Everybody else does.

What about the stuff
dripping down into
my living room?

What about the smell?

What about the squealing?

Wait a minute.
Our hogs do not squeal.

Oh. Well, maybe it was
the hogs next door.

Or perhaps the ones
across the hall.

Or maybe some wild hogs
slipped in past the doorman.

Or maybe, just maybe,
the bacon in my refrigerator

wasn’t quite
dead yet!

Hey. Hey, fella,
that’s enough.

- I think you
better leave.
- Yes, I do.

Excuse me.

You just make your way
out of here right now.

Watch out for
the hogs.

Well, you can believe
I’ll be bringing this up

at the next
tenants’ meeting.

If he wants to play
that way, fine.

There’s some complaints
I’ll bring up about his cat.

Just ignore him.
He’s not worth it.

Let’s just sit down
and relax.

You’re right,
you’re right.

I’m sorry.
This is the life.

You can really
be yourself in
a roomful of hogs.

Yeah, they don’t go around
charging you.

That’s one thing you
can say about them.

They accept you
for the way you are.

I’m not saying
they’re easily impressed.

You still have to earn
their respect.

- Yeah, but it’s
not that hard.
- Exactly.

What say I go out
in the kitchen

and fix a big bucket
of slops, and we can
sit and watch ’em feed.

Honey, I love you.

How’s that arthritis?

Oh, I took a pill,
and I feel just fine.

That figures.

Things just ain’t
the way they used to be.

Everything’s changin’.

All this progress.

In my day, we didn’t
have these fancy
long distance telephones.

We had a little something
called a telegraph wire.

It was inefficient
and primitive,

and it didn’t work,
and that’s the way it was,

and we liked it!

We liked it fine.

If the message
was supposed to be,

"Come at once.
I want to marry you,"

it would come out,
"I came once,
and I’m Mary Lou."

That’s right.

And you lost the girl,
and you never married
no one, and you liked it.

And we liked it fine.

- Who needs it?
- yeah.

Like these
microwave ovens.

Oh, so quick and easy.

In my day, if you
wanted a baked potato,

you had to put it
in the oven for 11 hours.

That’s right.

You had to take
a day off from work,

put the potato in at 10:00,
stay in all day,

and check on
its progress,

and that’s the way it was,
and we liked it.

We liked it fine.

Why’d they have to
change it?

Everything’s gotta
be better,

everything’s
gotta improve.

People are happier
and healthier,

and I don’t like it.

That’s right.
In my day,

we didn’t have
dental hygiene.

- Ugh.
- You betcha.

We didn’t take
care of our teeth,

and they fell out,
and you liked it.

That’s right.

That’s right,
you didn’t brush,

and your gums would bleed,
you’d get pyorrhea,

and your mouth would
look like a smelly sore,

and we liked it
just fine.

- We loved it.
- Yep.

Now, there’s all
this looking good
and feeling good.

Oh, I don’t get it.

Back then, the women
didn’t take care
of themselves.

They were fat
and hairy and ugly.

That’s right.

That’s right, you never
got a good look at
their body

until your weddin’ night.

When they undid
their nightie,

you tried not to scream,
and you liked it.

That’s right.

Now they’ve got
this plastic surgery.

Oh, who needs it?

In my day, if you had
a big mole growing
on the end of your nose,

with a hair
comin’ out of it,

by God, you just
lived with it.

That’s right.
You were an ugly freak,
and you liked it.

And there was nothing
nobody no way nowhere
could do about it.

That’s right,
and nobody would
talk to you,

or have anything
to do with you.

That’s right.

Then if you tried to cut off
that hideous mole,
you’d get infected,

’cause we didn’t have
all these fancy antibiotics.

No, sir.

Back then, if you
got an infection,

it would slowly
and painfully kill you,

and we liked it.

We loved it,
because we were
stupid, ignorant morons,

and we didn’t
know any better.

That’s right.
We were dim
and uneducated,

and we believed
wives’ tales,

and we were
afraid of everything,
and we liked it.

That’s right.

And we didn’t have
any of these fancy hobbies.

The only activity
was to check the potato.

It’s my turn.
No, it’s my turn.

And fights broke out,
and people started swingin’.

And you got cut,
and you got infected,

and there was nothing
you could do about it.

That’s right.
Just people with
oozin’ pyorrhea mouth,

sittin’ in the dark,
checkin’ the potato.

And that’s
the way it was.

- And we liked it.
- We loved it.

We couldn’t get
enough of it.

Why’d they have to go
and change everything?
I don’t cotton to it.

Good night, everybody.
Thank you very much!

Luther Vandross!