Original subtitles

Thanks, Woody.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Mr. Callahan.

Woody, fill ’er up.

Oh, Senator Tower, it’s closing time.

Then give me the bottle!

Geez. Don’t you think you’ve had a little too much?

Let me tell you something.

You wanna know something?

The only drinking problem I have

is drinking too much.

But it doesn’t matter, because I’m going to be confirmed.

Oh, really? Geez, I was confirmed, but I was 13.

Do you know what my confirmation name was?

Paul.

They picked it because he was my favorite Beatle.

Woody, I can have you killed.

Bring me the bottle.

Sam?

Senator Tower.

Come on, Sam. All I want is another drink.

Now, Senator Tower, you know I can’t serve anybody after 2:00,

especially alcoholics.

Look, tell ya what. Let’s make a deal.

You give me another drink,

and I’ll give you John Tower’s tips for picking up women.

Woody, give me the bottle.

All right, but just one drink, here, senator.

You’re not gonna regret this.

Okay, keep it comin’. Level it off, come on.

Let’s don’t be stingy.

That’s it. Keep it comin’.

( LOUD SLURPING )

Senator, that’s it.

That’s it.

Okay. Okay.

The secret to picking up women?

Tell them defense secrets.

What if you don’t know any?

Okay, here’s one to get you started.

Our Trident submarines...

they can be tracked with a simple ham radio. Ha!

Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be

tellin’ us stuff like that.

It’s closing time. I’m gonna have to ask you to go.

I want everybody to go now.

What about him?

Governor Dukakis, do you need a ride home?

Sam, did I tell you that I came in second

for the president of the United States?

Yes, governor, you did.

Did I tell you that my parents were immigrants? Greek immigrants?

Yes, governor, you did.

Governor, it’s closing time.

Michael.

I have been looking all over for you.

Oh, Kitty, you’re out.

And you’re drunk.

Yes, I’m drunk.

I’ve had some mixed drinks.

I’ve had some cocktails, some shots,

some highballs, chasers.

And I’m flyin’, I’m blind, stinking drunk.

Michael, come home with me.

I’ll go home with you.

Senator Tower, that’s my wife you’re talkin’ to.

Michael.

I’m sorry. That was the liquor talking.

No, listen. I’m the one who should be sorry.

It’s just that I need a woman so bad!

Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be here.

You have a confirmation hearing tomorrow.

What are you gonna tell that committee?

I’m gonna look them straight in the eye and say,

Live from New York...

It’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Mike Myers.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest Luther Vandross.

And starring Ted Danson.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Danson.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I get the impression that some of you

were only applauding because you saw other people doing it.

Now listen.

Don’t do that.

Really, I’m serious. Don’t give in to peer pressure.

Only applaud if you find something truly amusing.

( APPLAUSE )

Or if you see the applause sign light up.

( APPLAUSE )

Okay.

I have a new movie.

It’s called Cousins.

It’s based on a French movie.

Cousin, Cousine.

And the funny thing is, last year, I was in a film

that was also a remake of a French movie,

Three Men And A Baby.

( APPLAUSE )

I swear to you, I swear to you,

what I didn’t know until I got here

was Saturday Night Live itself, this very show,

is based on a popular comedy series in France.

No, seriously.

Tonight’s show was taken directly from an episode

that aired in France just last week.

Have a look. It’s in French, but you’ll get it.

( THEME MUSIC PLAYS )

( DON PARDO SPEAKS IN FRENCH )

Ah, yes. The French.

Well, we can’t be entirely faithful to the original.

Some French humor really doesn’t translate.

But I’m confident it’s gonna be a great show.

And now the monologue’s over,

I’m feelin’ this deep sense of relief.

Listen, that was refreshing.

We have a nice, great show,

with Luther Vandross, so stick around.

Sometimes it seems, no matter how hard you scrub,

no matter how hard you clean,

you just can’t rid your home of...

Oh.

Sewer rats.

Who needs it? Not you.

Not anymore. Not with Sleepytime rat control.

Sleepytime? How does it work?

It’s not a poison, it’s not a trap.

It’s a powerful sedative that puts rats to sleep.

Deep sleep.

Up to six full hours of sleep.

And a sleeping rat, while admittedly not ideal,

is a whole lot better than a wide-awake rat.

Mm-hmm.

So why live with this...

...when you can have this.

That’s more like it.

Sleepytime.

You’ll sleep better knowing they’re sleeping.

Sleepytime rat control.

For deep sleep.

So I told her I’d cover for her, right?

And I ended up doing all of her work,

and I don’t get paid, and I don’t get credit.

You know what? It’s my fault.

You know what? It is your fault.

You’ve gotta learn to set limits, that’s all.

You have to learn to say no.

You’re afraid to say no because you want people to like you.

And that’s bull, because people are going to like you

and if they do not like you, that’s their problem.

I have the same problem.

I’m always trying to please everybody.

I can never say no because I really don’t feel like I’m entitled.

I know. Exactly. And that’s why it’s so important

that we spend time together,

that we enjoy each other,

so it’s important we spend time, am I right?

- Yeah, take the time. - Just the three of us.

- Together. - Spending time.

- ( DOORBELL RINGS ) - Hold that thought.

- Howdy, neighbor. - Oh, uh, hi, Rich.

Listen, this is just my way of saying

thank you for taking care of my mail while I was on vacation.

Oh, well, hey, I’m not interrupting anything, am I?

Well, uh, not really.

Well, great, great.

Hi. I’m Rich.

BOTH: Hi.

I know Brenda here. She’s a friend of mine.

- You a friend of Brenda, too? - Yeah.

Great. I hope I’m not buggin’ you here, am I?

No, we’re just talking.

Just the three of us. Nothing important.

Well, great.

Listen, I’m Rich.

I know Brenda, because she’s my neighbor.

And let’s see. You are?

Kathy.

Kathy. And you are?

- Jennifer. - Excuse me?

( LOUDLY ) Jennifer.

Jennifer. All right.

Kathy, Jennifer, Brenda, Rich.

There’s gonna be a quiz later on.

( WEAK LAUGHTER )

All right, so.

Jennifer, what do you do?

I’m gonna be back to you in a minute, Kathy,

so you’re not off the hook.

I’m a buyer.

You’re a buyer.

So what does that mean? What do you buy?

You buy houses, groceries? What do you buy?

- Sportswear. - I’m gonna open this.

I’m gonna help you.

Sportswear. What does that mean?

You have jogging suits?

God, is he gonna leave or what?

I can’t believe he just sat down.

Maybe you shouldn’t open the wine.

I said I would open the wine. I have to open the wine.

All right, open the wine, but don’t give him any.

- Maybe that will... - Don’t give him any?

- That’s ridiculous. - Okay, fine. Fine. I’ll get a glass.

- Jiminy Christmas. - I don’t know what to do.

All right. Fine.

So... Kathy, where do you live?

On the upper west side.

Great. Don’t you love it up there? How do you like it?

I like it. It’s great.

Yeah. You know, I found a great salad bar up there.

Everything you could wanna eat.

It’s like a meal in itself.

They got chopped dates, they got artichokes.

They have those big red croutons.

The artichoke hearts... did I mention artichoke hearts?

I can eat there day in, day out. It is so filling.

What is going on?

I’m sorry. You guys were taking so long.

Taking so long? We’re trying to get rid of this guy.

I know!

If you know, then help us out.

Okay. I didn’t want him to come over.

So how’s your mom?

You know, she’s the same as ever.

When she wants me, she just wants me to drop everything,

and of course, I do.

Sorry.

So, Brenda.

Hey, have you had a chance to talk to our new super?

Is he a character or what?

In what way? What do you mean?

Well, what I mean is, the guy barely speaks English,

and he’s way overweight.

How much do you think he weighs?

I don’t know.

- Well, guess. - I don’t know.

Well, come on, guess.

I don’t even think about it.

Well, I say he’s about 250, 255.

Something like that.

I am so sorry.

You know me, though, aiming to please, aiming to please.

- Aiming to please. - I know. Tell me about it.

Oh, God, let’s just get rid of this guy, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Brenda? - Brenda?

- BOTH: Brenda? - Where is she?

I’m sorry.

Well, hey, I gotta go.

Thanks for the wine, Rich.

Yeah, no problem.

Kathy, Jennifer.

- Jennifer, Kathy. - Nice meeting you.

Bye-bye.

Get them confused.

What just happened here?

I’ll tell you what happened.

We didn’t assert ourselves.

We didn’t tell him we wanted to be alone.

We weren’t honest with him.

We weren’t honest with ourselves.

We have to be honest with ourselves.

We’re entitled to that, for crying out loud.

( ALL TALKING AT ONCE )

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening. What can I tell you?

The Tower hearings have been suspended for 12 days,

with John Tower still denying he has a drinking problem.

Here’s a highlight from this week’s session.

I would like to get you to tell this committee

and the American people

your own attitude towards the consumption of alcohol,

if you are confirmed as secretary of defense,

while you are secretary of defense.

And you have assured us,

and I would hope you would also give us,

in public, your own view towards alcohol,

and whether you yourself have any alcohol problem.

I have none, senator.

I am a man of some discipline.

If John Tower is rejected by the committee,

he is expected to be replaced as secretary of defense

by lookalike Mishu, the smallest man in the world,

from the Ringling Bros. circus.

Asked about rumors of his own extra-marital affairs,

Mishu said, "Never. I’m still in love with the little woman."

And I am... Mishu.

George Bush this week announced

Dan Quayle’s first big assignment as vice-president.

Quayle was named chairman

of a joint executive Congressional commission

that will look into the reasons why

Dan Quayle was elected vice-president.

It turns out that George Bush is a fun-loving guy.

One of his favorite games is Follow the Leader.

And Oliver North’s trial got underway this week

after the prolonged jury selection process

to find 12 jurors who had no preconceptions about North.

This is what’s wrong with the American legal system.

The entire thing is based on a system of trial by jury,

and the only way you can get on a jury

is if you prove beyond a shadow of a doubt

that you know nothing about the case you’re about to try.

Consequently, we have people’s lives being determined

by 12 people in a room whose main goal in life

is to wrap it up and get home in time

to watch Alicereruns on the super station,

because they think Flo is a real hoot.

Here’s a Jim Bakker trial update.

The Bakker defense team suffered a setback

when the judge denied a change of venue

from the North Carolina court.

Bakker said his case was prejudiced

in the Charlotte area.

The judge said it was only fitting

to try Bakker in Charlotte,

because he’s been a charlatan his whole life.

President Bush submitted his budget to Congress this week,

and even with optimistic economic projections,

the budget includes a deficit of almost $100 billion.

A hundred billion dollars.

That’s a hard figure to comprehend.

So to help you out here, imagine if you will

that this is a $5 billion bill.

It would take a stack of 20 of these

to make $100 billion.

Now here’s what that would look like.

A hundred billion dollars.

Boggles the mind.

On Wednesday, a presidential panel recommended

that tobacco should be classified as a drug by the FDA.

This explains Thursday’s takeover

of the American tobacco company by Panama’s General Noriega.

And in geo-political news this week,

things are looking a lot better in Northern Ireland.

And this week, the Iranian Sports Illustrated

also had its annual swimwear issue.

No wonder Iranian guys are so tense, huh?

And Swimwear Illustrated this week

had its special once-a-year sports coverage issue.

Last week, the American Music Association

honored the most popular entertainers of 1988,

and the big winner was George Michael.

It was a double triumph for the singer,

who also debuted his long-awaited Diet Coke commercial

during the broadcast.

Weekend Updatemanaged to get an exclusive interview

with the pop star, but before we talk with George,

let’s take a quick look at why he’s so darn popular.

* ’ Cause I gotta have faith *

* I gotta have faith *

* I gotta, gotta have faith *

* I gotta have faith *

* Faith-ah *

Congratulations, George.

You swept the American Music Awards.

Tell me, how did it feel to take home the trophies?

It was great, Dennis. It was absolutely great.

But I just want to apologize to my fans for my appearance

in that Diet Coke spot.

You know, George, you got millions for that ad.

Do you feel like you sold out?

No, it wasn’t that, Dennis.

They shot this extravagant 60-second commercial

featuring me, and I ask you,

where was my butt?

One full minute, not one shot of my butt.

Well, you saw it.

I wanted to bloody kill the editor.

It was shot of boot, beard shot,

belt, bullfighter, hair, crowd, face

hands, boot, hair.

And I told them specifically it was supposed to be butt shot,

shot of the hair, back to the butt,

hand, butt, hand, butt, hand, butt,

belt, butt, beard, butt, belt, butt,

earring, face, butt, butt, earring, tight,

hold on the butt, hold on the butt.

It’s a formula, but it bloody works.

George...

Now level with me.

Do you really think you can build an entire ad campaign

around your rear end?

Well, it’s a great butt, Dennis.

I mean, it’s an absolutely fabulous heinie, you know.

I went straight to that agency that handled that stupid commercial,

and I said, what about my butt? Where is it?

And they went on about the bullfighter

and the role of the rock singer in the late ’80s,

and I said, I don’t care about all that.

Show me one shot of my butt.

And they didn’t have one.

It’s the best butt in video today. I mean, look at it.

- Look at it. - We can see it, George.

George, we’re all looking at it.

- Look at it! - We can see it.

I take good care of it, Dennis.

I take good care of it. I shine it, buff it,

shave it, weather strip it, and chemical peel.

And that’s just maintenance, Dennis.

Do you know that, if I sunbathe in the nude,

I rub on 25 or 30 sunscreen factor on my butt,

and then, I put a big hat on it.

That’s a lot of work, George.

Let’s move on.

You’ve had great success as a cross-over artist.

What are your plans, George?

It’s not like I don’t know what I’m talking about, Dennis.

It’s perfectly round. Look at it.

It’s a perfect circle. I know, I’ve measured it.

It’s geometrically perfect.

It’s so perfect that English scientists use it

to calibrate their instruments with.

So don’t tell me it doesn’t belong in

some stupid Diet Coke ad.

Nobody is arguing that, George.

Look at it. Accept it.

Look at it, Dennis. Look at my butt!

The worse thing you can do is try to ignore it.

It’s a total circle. Don’t you see?

You can’t hide from it.

It’s a force to be reckoned with.

Accept it before it destroys you.

Bow down before it, Dennis! Look at it!

Thank you. Thank you, George. Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, George Michael.

What an ass.

Now listen, I hate to even bring this up,

’cause I don’t wanna look like a nitpicker,

but I thought I noticed it a couple of months ago,

and I saw it again the other night.

I think thirtysomething is an okay show.

But in their title sequence,

when they put the actual words "thirtysomething"

up on the screen,

I guess nobody’s noticed it yet,

but they’re using two different kinds of typeface,

and it looks really bad, really weird,

and they forgot to capitalize "thirty."

The new Japanese ambassador moved into

his embassy office in Washington this week.

He was built by Sony,

and comes complete with a diplomatic dossier

and a full year’s warranty.

MCA president Lew Wasserman stepped down this week

and said he was gonna go chase a Frisbee in the park.

This is the new--

What the hell’s goin’ on over there?

I got a life over here, boys.

This is the new Patek Philippe Calibre ’89 watch,

which will be sold at auction in Geneva on April 9th.

The watch performs 33 functions,

and is expected to fetch $6.4 million.

For $6.4 million,

I’ll tell you what one of those functions better be, huh?

And Delta Airlines this week issued a new ruling

through the FAA.

They have now ruled that Shih Tzu dogs

may fly in the first-class compartment,

but over-the-hill Hungarian actresses

with silly names must fly below in baggage.

Zsa Zsa.

It was 25 years ago this week

that the Beatles landed at JFK Airport,

and they should be getting in to Manhattan,

oh, any minute now.

Well, former President Reagan turned 78 last Monday.

Since he left the White House,

he no longer has use of the White House makeup facilities,

and is quite a different man.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Murder, war, corruption.

It’s a crazy world out there.

I know. I get depressed just thinking about it.

You know, I think I’d go nuts myself

if it weren’t for the hogs.

I know what you mean.

I wonder what’s on the tube.

Seen the TV Guide?

I think the hogs have it.

Hey, look.

Pearls. Just kidding.

- Got it? - Yeah.

Oh, look, here’s the clicker, too.

As long as you’re up, can you move that hog over there?

Just to the right?

Come on, sweetheart.

Great.

( PHONE RINGS )

Excuse me.

Hello.

Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.

Are you sure? Okay.

Who was that?

Oh, the new cleaning lady quit.

Again?

Did she say why?

She didn’t say; she just quit.

That doesn’t make any sense.

Unless maybe it’s the hogs.

No, I think she was just unhappy.

Boy, ya know, sweetheart,

I’ve been thinking about the hogs.

What about the hogs?

Sometimes, I look at this apartment,

and I look at our lives,

and I look at the hogs.

Yeah, the hogs.

Sometimes I think we should start over,

go somewhere with nothing.

What do you mean, without the hogs?

No, no. I mean with just the hogs.

Quit the firm, move out into the country,

or maybe just even a new apartment.

You always think that way when the new cleaning lady quits.

- ( DOORBELL RINGS ) - You’re right.

I’ll get it.

Watch out for the hogs, please.

Yeah?

I’m your downstairs neighbor.

I’m here to complain about...

the hogs.

Well, why? Have they done something wrong?

Yes. They exist.

What is it? What’s the matter?

Well, I think it’s something wrong with the hogs.

No, the hogs are fine.

No, they are not fine.

They root around on my ceiling day and night.

They are ruining my life.

You know, it’s awfully easy to blame all the problems of the world

on hogs.

Yeah, blame it on the hogs, blame it on the hogs.

Everybody else does.

What about the stuff dripping down into my living room?

What about the smell?

What about the squealing?

Wait a minute. Our hogs do not squeal.

Oh. Well, maybe it was the hogs next door.

Or perhaps the ones across the hall.

Or maybe some wild hogs slipped in past the doorman.

Or maybe, just maybe, the bacon in my refrigerator

wasn’t quite dead yet!

Hey. Hey, fella, that’s enough.

- I think you better leave. - Yes, I do.

Excuse me.

You just make your way out of here right now.

Watch out for the hogs.

Well, you can believe I’ll be bringing this up

at the next tenants’ meeting.

If he wants to play that way, fine.

There’s some complaints I’ll bring up about his cat.

Just ignore him. He’s not worth it.

Let’s just sit down and relax.

You’re right, you’re right.

I’m sorry. This is the life.

You can really be yourself in a roomful of hogs.

Yeah, they don’t go around charging you.

That’s one thing you can say about them.

They accept you for the way you are.

I’m not saying they’re easily impressed.

You still have to earn their respect.

- Yeah, but it’s not that hard. - Exactly.

What say I go out in the kitchen

and fix a big bucket of slops, and we can sit and watch ’em feed.

Honey, I love you.

How’s that arthritis?

Oh, I took a pill, and I feel just fine.

That figures.

Things just ain’t the way they used to be.

Everything’s changin’.

All this progress.

In my day, we didn’t have these fancy long distance telephones.

We had a little something called a telegraph wire.

It was inefficient and primitive,

and it didn’t work, and that’s the way it was,

and we liked it!

We liked it fine.

If the message was supposed to be,

"Come at once. I want to marry you,"

it would come out, "I came once, and I’m Mary Lou."

That’s right.

And you lost the girl, and you never married no one, and you liked it.

And we liked it fine.

- Who needs it? - yeah.

Like these microwave ovens.

Oh, so quick and easy.

In my day, if you wanted a baked potato,

you had to put it in the oven for 11 hours.

That’s right.

You had to take a day off from work,

put the potato in at 10:00, stay in all day,

and check on its progress,

and that’s the way it was, and we liked it.

We liked it fine.

Why’d they have to change it?

Everything’s gotta be better,

everything’s gotta improve.

People are happier and healthier,

and I don’t like it.

That’s right. In my day,

we didn’t have dental hygiene.

- Ugh. - You betcha.

We didn’t take care of our teeth,

and they fell out, and you liked it.

That’s right.

That’s right, you didn’t brush,

and your gums would bleed, you’d get pyorrhea,

and your mouth would look like a smelly sore,

and we liked it just fine.

- We loved it. - Yep.

Now, there’s all this looking good and feeling good.

Oh, I don’t get it.

Back then, the women didn’t take care of themselves.

They were fat and hairy and ugly.

That’s right.

That’s right, you never got a good look at their body

until your weddin’ night.

When they undid their nightie,

you tried not to scream, and you liked it.

That’s right.

Now they’ve got this plastic surgery.

Oh, who needs it?

In my day, if you had a big mole growing on the end of your nose,

with a hair comin’ out of it,

by God, you just lived with it.

That’s right. You were an ugly freak, and you liked it.

And there was nothing nobody no way nowhere could do about it.

That’s right, and nobody would talk to you,

or have anything to do with you.

That’s right.

Then if you tried to cut off that hideous mole, you’d get infected,

’cause we didn’t have all these fancy antibiotics.

No, sir.

Back then, if you got an infection,

it would slowly and painfully kill you,

and we liked it.

We loved it, because we were stupid, ignorant morons,

and we didn’t know any better.

That’s right. We were dim and uneducated,

and we believed wives’ tales,

and we were afraid of everything, and we liked it.

That’s right.

And we didn’t have any of these fancy hobbies.

The only activity was to check the potato.

It’s my turn. No, it’s my turn.

And fights broke out, and people started swingin’.

And you got cut, and you got infected,

and there was nothing you could do about it.

That’s right. Just people with oozin’ pyorrhea mouth,

sittin’ in the dark, checkin’ the potato.

And that’s the way it was.

- And we liked it. - We loved it.

We couldn’t get enough of it.

Why’d they have to go and change everything? I don’t cotton to it.

Good night, everybody. Thank you very much!

Luther Vandross!