All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E11.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

Hello. I’m Ted Bundy.

Thank you.

You know, all too often,

we Americans take electricity
for granted.

We assume that
when we flip that switch,

the power will
just be there.

Unfortunately,
that isn’t always the case.

And I learned that
the hard way on Tuesday,

when a brownout
in central Florida

turned a routine execution

into an embarrassing
and painful farce.

And now, I’ve gotta do it
all over again.

And that
started me thinking.

Does America have
the energy reserves it needs

to carry it
through the ’90s?

And if not,
what are the alternatives?

Nuclear? Perhaps,
but is it safe?

Coal is plentiful, but I worry
about the environment.

Solar? Well, let’s be frank,
it’s years away.

The fact is,
no one energy source alone

can meet
America’s energy needs.

As we head into
the next decade,

or, as you head
into the next decade,

we must rely on
a combination of sources--

coal, hydroelectric, nuclear,
conservation, and hanging.

This has been Ted Bundy,
temporarily...

live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Al Franken.

Mike Myers.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Musical guests
John Hiatt and the Goners.

And starring
Tony Danza.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Tony Danza.

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you!

That’s enough,
that’s enough.

Sure, sure.

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Anybody’s good
after Ted Bundy.

I know, I know.

Well, here I am,
back in New York City,

my hometown, huh?

And hosting my favorite show,
Saturday Night Live.

And let me tell you.
Wait, wait.

It’s been three years
since the last time I was here.

I hosted three years ago.

A lot has changed
for me in three years.

I think the biggest thing
that’s changed for me

in three years is that
I was single then,

and I’m married now.

And I like marriage.
I really like marriage.

’Cause in the morning now,

I’m waking up
instead of coming to.

The guys liked that one.

No, really, really.

No, really, I do.
I love marriage.

I think it’s
my favorite institution.

There, honey,
I said it, okay?

Okay, also, I have
a 20-month-old little baby girl

named Katie.
She’s terrific.

She’s terrific.

And tomorrow, my son, my son,
Marc, who’s also terrific,

turns 18 years old.
Huh? 18. Huh?

Look, 20 months,
and 18 years.

Is that spacin’ ’em
out or what?

I’m tellin’ ya.

Listen, let me
tell you something.

The thing that you worry about
most when you do this show,

and the thing I worried about
most when I did it last time,

is the monologue.

You’re up here
all by yourself,

and you’re scared,
you’re afraid.

But the writers told me
last time, "Don’t worry.

"We’ll write something
for you, it’ll be real funny.

You’re gonna love it."

Then, of course,
I ended up tap dancing.

This time I said, no way,
that’s not gonna happen.

I grabbed the writers,
I worked with them all week.

I worked with them all week,
and so, we’re gonna get to

the tap dancing
a lot faster this time.

Okay, so you ready
for the tap dance?

Thank you.

Look, that’s it.
We got a great show tonight.

We got a great show. We got
John Hiatt and the Goners.

So don’t go anywhere.
We’ll be right back.

I need three copies
by 5:00.

Don’t let me down now.

5:00?!

I hope you weren’t
planning on using
the copier, dear.

We’re all out
of toner.

- What about--
- The one downstairs?

The man’ll be here
next Thursday.

- Then I’ll just
have to use the--
- The laser printer?

Good luck.

What you could do
is type it up here,
stick it in the fax machine,

fax it to Houston,
they fax it to Chicago,

they both fax it
back here, and
you’ve got three copies.

- What about resolution?
- Doesn’t matter.
She’ll never make it.

I need a miracle.

Carbon paper.

Here they are, sir.

Well, they don’t
look so hot.

But you did
beat the deadline.
Nice work.

Whew.

We’re dyin’ out here.

What do I think
about lingerie?

I think lingerie
is a form of expression.

It isn’t what it reveals.

It’s what it leaves
to the imagination.

Lace... lace is playful,
and satin, mysterious.

And silk, well, silk is...

boombahdah
boombahdah boombahdah boom!

Lingerie is always
a beautiful surprise.

When a woman wears it,
she’s saying,

"I like myself."

Boombahdah
boombahdah boombahdah boom!

Buying lingerie
for a woman.

Well, it can be
a little awkward.

The size? Well,
that’s the easy part.

Fitting a personality,

well, forget
her personality.

You buy what you like,
you take it home,

you tell her,
hey, put it on, and then,

boombahdah
boombahdah boom!

That’s what I like
about lingerie.

* Oh, Susanna,
don’t cry me *

* Gone Alabama
banjo on knee *

* Rained hard,
day left *

* Weather it dry *

* Sun hot,
froze death *

* Susanna not cry *

Whole audience, sing.

* Oh, Susanna,
don’t cry me *

* Come Alabama
banjo on knee *

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you.
Good evening.

What can I tell you?

President Bush,
badly hung over

from inaugural festivities,

gave his first
press conference yesterday.

First, I sound worse
than I feel.

Actually, the president
had a bad cold,

and while sympathetic,
Congress did remind him

that in his first week,
Bush had already used up

four of his five
sick days.

According to
the Washington Postthis week,

Simon & Schuster
bought the rights

to Reagan’s memoirs
for $5 million.

But in a conflicting story,
the New York Postsays

the deal was for
$7 million.

Actually, it’s 5 million
for the rights,

and 7 million
if he remembers anything.

Yesterday, President Bush
sought to assure the public

that their savings and loans
deposits were safe,

despite the threatened loss
of an estimated $100 billion

in S&L investments.

When asked to account
for the disposition
of that huge sum,

a spokesman for the savings
and loan organizations,

Mr. George Bailey, said,

( IMITATING JIMMY STEWART)
You got this all wrong.

The money’s not here.

Your money’s in
Martini’s house

and your money’s in
Bob’s house.

( APPLAUSE )

Didn’t know I was
an impressionist, did you?

Last night on 20/20,

Barbara Walters interviewed
Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi

who insisted to Walters

that he wanted to establish
relations with the United States

and that he was not,
repeat not, a madman.

Gaddafi’s claims were disputed
by actress Robin Givens,

who accompanied Gaddafi
to the interview.

"Muammar has a problem,"
she said,

"He’s a manic-depressive,
and quite frankly,

there are times when
he really frightens me."

Gaddafi was said to be incensed
at the public contradiction.

No, not that button!
Not that button!

President Bush has said
that he wants to be
the education president.

While Bush won’t actually
be spending more money
on education,

his administration will do
everything it can

to encourage
excellence in learning.

As part of this effort,

the White House has announced
a new program

called
Letters To Dan Quayle,

where students of all ages can
write to the new vice-president.

We’re lucky to have
the first letter.

It’s from 12-year-old
Tommy O’Donnell,

of Alton, Illinois.

He writes,
"Dear Vice-President Quayle,

"Last week, I came home
with a report card

"with all D’s.

"My dad said that if I didn’t
do more better in school,

"I would never get ahead.

"I told him that you did
real bad in school, too,

"and you’re
the vice-president.

"But he said you were
still an idiot anyway.

"What can I tell my dad?

Sincerely,
Tommy O’Donnell."

And we have
the vice-president’s response.

"Dear Tommy...

"Thank you
for your letter.

"Me and Mrs. Quayle
like to hear

"that youngsters are
concerned education-wise.

"Even though we do good in
educating students in America,

"there is no reason
we cannot do more better.

Sincerely,
Dan Quayle, Vice-President."

I guess he didn’t really
answer Tommy’s question.

Evidently,
that’s a form letter.

And now, a special guest
on Weekend Update.

Here with her predictions
for 1989

is celebrated astrologer
Jean Dixon.

Happy new year, Jeane.

Thank you.

Happy new year
to you, too, Dennis.

Jeane, first I have to read
this brief disclaimer,
if I could.

The following segment
is intended for
entertainment purposes only.

It is of no known
scientific value.

We ask that you not
take this seriously
for even a moment,

the inane, ludicrous sham
that is astrology. Okay?

Thank you, Dennis.

I have some very
exciting predictions
for this year.

All right, Jeane.
George Bush.
What about him?

I see a lot of success
for George Bush by May, Dwayne,

but he has a big
task ahead of him,

and he must
approach it properly.

If he listens to
the right advice,

then he is sure to have
a successful year.

But, and this is
very important,

if President Burns
heeds the wrong advice,

then he will be
less successful, uh, Dixie.

But if he makes
the right decisions,

it will pay off
big for him.

Okay, Jeane, what do you
see for Don Johnson
and Melanie Griffith?

Oh, Don Jackson
has quite a year
ahead of him.

But he has to be
very careful, Sandy,

because I predict
he will have a very big
hit film this year,

if he chooses
the right script.

If that happens, Dimitri,
it will pay off big for him.

But, and this is
very important,

if he chooses
the wrong script,

then things will not
go as well for him
and his lovely bride, uh...

uh, Mrs. Gibble.

What about rumors
of a baby for
the happy couple?

It will happen, Driver.

I predict that...

I predicted here.

I predict that Dan
and Felicity will
have a child,

and this is
very important,

if they have
sex together,

and not use
any protection at all.

All right, Jeane.
Boy or girl?

It will be a boy, Darryl.

Really? A boy?

Yes. Oh, and, whoa, whoa.

This is very important.

If the chromosomes
are "XY."

Okay. Thank you, Jeane.

Thank you, Gerga.

Jeane Dixon.

I’m not sure Jeane can see
the top line on the eye chart,

much less the future.

Contrary to
popular belief,

economists now say
that a hill of beans

is worth more than
$2 million.

Political extremist
Lyndon LaRouche

was sentenced yesterday
to 15 years in prison

for federal tax fraud
and loan defaults.

Well, it’s kind of
apropos.

LaRouche has lost his bid
for the presidency,

but at least now, he’ll get
to be somebody’s first lady.

President Bush
spent his first day in office

making use of
the world leader chat line,

as he contacted
by telephone

Prime Minister
Margaret Thatcher,

Soviet Chief
Mikhail Gorbachev,

and Pakistanian Prime Minister
Benazir Bhutto.

Weekend Update
has secured excerpts
of that four-way conversation.

Let’s listen.

Hi. My name’s George.
I’m the new president
of the United States.

What’s your name?

Hi, George.
I’m Benazir.

I’m the new
prime minister
of Pakistan.

What do you
have on, George?

I don’t have
anything on, Benazir.
What do you have on?

Do you have
a date tonight, George?

Of course he does not.
He’s married.

- BUSH: Who’s that?
- I am Gorby.

- Hey, Gorby.
- I don’t have date either.

THATCHER: Do you
like the beach?

BHUTTO: I love the beach.
I go all the time.

BUSH: What are your
favorite foods?

- GORBACHEV: I like
French fries and nachos.
- BHUTTO: I love nachos.

- George, do you have a car?
- Yeah, but I don’t
get to drive it.

- I have a driver.
-ALL: Me, too.

- BHUTTO: Do you like to dance?
-BUSH: Slow dancing’s okay,

but I can’t fast dance.
I get too embarrassed.

Oh, that’s too bad.
I like to dance.

What new 45’s
have you bought?

- Sting.
-BHUTTO: I love Sting.

GORBACHEV: Me, too!

Benazir, are there any
cute boys in your class?

There are no cute boys
in my country.

That’s the world leader
chat line, folks.

Three dollars
for the first minute,

and $1.75
each additional minute.

Heir apparents
to the throne,

ask Mom and Dad
before you make that call.

And from time to time,

Weekend Updatewelcomes
views from around the world,

so now, here with
a Scottish perspective

is Glasgow Times
New York correspondent,

Stewart Rankin.
Hello, Stewart.

Thank you, Dennis.

As I was watching
your American Super Bowl

last Sunday, and reflecting on
the competitive spirit,

I was reminded of a joke
I once heard.

Two NUM workers
go into a bar.

One has a quart
of iron brew,

the other has
a push chair.

The owner says, "You can’t
come in here with that."

The other one goes,
"Who do you think you are?

Prime Minister Dundas?"

Dundas.

The big coal strike.

Oh, come on. You know
who Prime Minister Dundas is.

Well, isn’t that
typical, huh?

The typical
American attitude.

Oh, we’re America.

We’re the center
of the universe.

We don’t have to know
who Prime Minister Dundas is.

Look at the Super Bowl.

The 49-ers call themselves
the world champions.

Well, they’ve not
played Scotland.

Until they actually play
the Aberdeen Razorbacks,

we won’t know for sure.

And the way that Scottish
people are portrayed

on American television.

Cheap little bastards
with wee beards and kilts,

flingin’ away
to beat the band,

playin’ the bagpipes.
( IMITATING BAGPIPE SOUNDS )

Oh, don’t take my money,
don’t take my money.

Jackie Stewart.

Oh, the track is
very slick today.

You can look for
a lot of accidents.

And back to you,
Chris and Mackie in the pits.

Captain, I don’t think
the engines can handle it.

Oh, we’ve got no power.

Week in,
bloody week out!

Oh, you finally give
Sean Connery

a best supporting actor.

Too little too late,
if you ask me.

I’d like to take
each member of the Academy,

and grind a bottle into
their bastard faces,

until all that’s left
is a cork.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, America.

I just... I just get
so emotional.

I just... I love you.
I really do.

I love you.

I bloody love you.

I just, you know...

Come here.
I love you.

Stewart Rankin, folks.
Stewart Rankin.

Thank you, Stewart.

Come on, come on.

Don’t worry. We’ll go out
and rent Local Hero,okay?

LaToya Jackson, big sister
of pop star Michael Jackson,

made her first appearance
in Playboymagazine’s
February issue.

Here’s one of the photos
from the layout.

Now here’s that same
photo, unretouched.

Those guys are just brilliant
with an airbrush, aren’t they?

Like her brother Michael,

LaToya has admitted to
extensive plastic surgery.

The most recent Jackson
to have plastic surgery

is brother Jermaine,
who has left show business

for the real estate business
in Los Angeles.

Sure, they’re a little
older, a little slower,

and a little grayer
around the temple,

but the Rolling Stones
today announced

that they’re definitely
reuniting in ’89

for a nationwide tour.

This is the new car
from Nissan in Japan,

the multi-purpose vehicle,
S Cargo.

It is said to be popular
with American parents

who want to ensure that
their teenage sons

never, ever get laid.

Artist Norman Wainwright,

commenting on his commission
to paint the official portrait

of our new first lady,
Barbara Bush, said,

"She struck me as
the kind of person

who just cannot
tell a lie."

And before we go,
I’d be remiss

if I didn’t remind you
that next week

is Ronald Reagan’s birthday.

Wait till you see
that birthday cake.

You talk about
1,000 points of light.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Hi. Is Mr. Harrington
at home?

And who may I say
is calling?

I’m a friend of Caroline’s.

Very well, sir.

- Wait here.
- Thank you.

Oh, look at this place.

Hello. Edward Harrington.
How may I help you?

Hi, Mr. Harrington.
Look, I know you’re
a busy man and everything,

so I’m just gonna say
what I gotta say, okay?

Yes, please, Mister...?

DiNapoli.
Frankie DiNapoli.

I’m here to talk to you
about Caroline.

I love her,
and I want us
to get married.

What?
Marry you?

Look, I know
what you’re thinkin’.

You’re thinkin’ that
I’m from the wrong
side of the tracks,

but I really
care about her,

and together, I think
we can make it.

I’m sorry.
That’s quite impossible.

Well, I know
what you’re worried about.

You want Caroline
to have the best,

and I can’t give her
a lot of expensive things,

but I can give her
a good life,

and an honest life,
and a good home.

All this is immaterial.

Caroline is my wife.

We’ve been married
for 15 years.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Right, right.

So I guess I’m not
good enough to marry
your wife, huh?

Is that it?

I mean, what would
people say if one of
the high and mighty Harringtons

married Frankie DiNapoli,
the working stiff?

Frankie DiNapoli,
who don’t know
his salad fork

from the other forks, huh?

Well, there’s one thing
I do know, Mr. Harrington.

When two people are in love,
they get married.

Edward, who is this?

Caroline, my name
is Frankie DiNapoli,

and I love you.

But I’ve never met you.

Oh, sure, sure.

Where was I supposed
to meet you?

I’m so surprised we haven’t
run into each other

at one of them
society balls.

Oh, I forgot.

I never been to
a society ball.

Tell me,
are they quaint?

Edward, I don’t
like this man.

I think you should
leave, Mr. DiNapoli.

I’m not goin’ anywhere
without Caroline.

Let me tell you
something, mister.

As long as I am
head of this family,

you will never
marry my wife.

Thank you, darling.

Mr. DiNapoli,
will you just leave us?

Oh! Oh, whoa.
So now you don’t like me.

I’m not good enough
for you, either, huh?

Well, just last weekend,
in this very room,

you told me
you loved me.

That’s not possible.

Look, you, my wife and I
were in Antigua last weekend.

Okay, okay,
so you caught me in a lie.

You caught me in a lie.
So I’m a liar, okay?

So I’m not honest as
the great Edward Harrington,

the king of
the truth tellers.

So I guess I can’t
marry your wife

just because I don’t
happen to be honest.

Please, Mr. DiNapoli.

I saw what you
put in your pocket.

Now return it,
and I won’t call the police.

Oh, my mistake.
My mistake.

I guess these aren’t allowed
in the Harrington household.

I mean, people like you
don’t steal things

when you get invited
to a house.

It’s just not done, huh?
It’s not top drawer.

So okay, Caroline,
if it bothers you so much
that I steal and I lie,

then maybe you should
stay with the perfect man.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

- Frankie.
- Hi, Frankie.

Hi, doc.

Mr. Harrington,
I’m sorry to
disturb you.

I’m Dr. Van Eden,
from the Mid-Hudson
Psychiatric Institute,

and we’re here
to pick up Frankie,

and take him back
to the center.

I’m sorry,
Mr. DiNapoli.

Oh, oh, I see.
I see.

Just because I’m insane,
that makes you better than me.

That makes you
better than me.

Just because you got
a stable personality,

and you can tell
the difference between
reality and fantasy,

you look down
your nose at me?

Oh, and of course,

we can’t have the blue-blooded
Caroline Harrington

from the social register,
marrying Frankie DiNapoli

who’s a liar and a stealer who
has to live in a mental ward.

Let me tell you
something, Mr. Harrington.

I’ve seen your high society,
and I’ve seen your ritzy ways.

And I’ll tell you what.

You are the real mental ward.

Let’s go, doc.

Honey, do you think we’re
really better than him?

Yes. Yes, I think we are.

Oh, I do, too.

- Champagne?
- Okay.

The thing about
a stake-out is,

you can sit and watch
for two, three months,
nothin’ happens.

Then all of a sudden,
somethin’ happens.

Boom.

Victor, anything
happenin’ down there, buddy?

Okay. If anything happens,
we’re right here.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh,
wait a minute.

Wait a minute,
we got trouble.
Oh, geez.

Oh, no.
They spotted Victor.

Victor. Victor, listen.

Listen, you’ve gotta
leave your position
immediately.

Get out of there.
We think the suspect
is on to you.

Victor? Victor,
somethin’s not right, buddy.

Now try to remain calm.

The suspect is moving
quickly in your direction.

He’s panicking.

Victor, Victor,
don’t turn around.

Very casually, proceed
south on Vernon Avenue.

Walk, Victor, walk.
Don’t run.

Walk very casually.
That’s it.

As if you’re out
for a Sunday stroll.

All right, he’s
comin’ up on you
fast, buddy.

Slow down, Victor.
You’re gonna give it away.

Just act normal.
That’s it.

Just strolling along.
That’s it.

Okay, now he’s...

He’s pulling something
out of his coat.

It looks like a gun.

I can’t tell.
It could be a...

Could be a soldering iron.

Or maybe one of those
cigarette lighters

that looks like
a gun, Victor.
That’s right, yes.

Slow down, Victor.
You’re speeding
up again.

Just strolling.
You don’t know nothin’.

No, it’s a gun, Victor.

He’s got a gun.

Still strolling, Victor.
Don’t turn around.

Just strollin’
along, Victor.

Victor, Victor.
Now make...

Victor, now make...

Victor, now make it
casual, casual right now,

and continue westerly
on Durning Avenue.

Okay, good.
Good, Victor.

I think
you lost him.

I think
you lost him, buddy.

No, no, here he comes.
He’s just around the corner.

Okay, okay,
he’s very close now.

Very close.

Just act like
nothin’s goin’ on.

Now his gun,
his gun is leveled
right at your head.

And wait, wait, wait.
It looks like...

Looks like it jammed
or somethin’.

Yes, he’s
putting it away.

Victor, slow down.
You’re supposed
to be strolling.

Now he’s taking out...

It looks like
a blackjack.

Can’t tell.

Might just be a sock
filled with BB’s,

or a black turnip
or somethin’.

Don’t turn
around, Victor.
Don’t turn around.

No, it’s definitely
a blackjack, Victor.

Okay, hang on, buddy.
Hang on.

He’s just about
on top of ya.

BOTH: Ooh!!

Victor? Victor?

He’s jumped up
on your back.

That’s him on
your back, buddy.

Don’t let on
that you know.

Just strollin’ along,
completely unaware.

Yeah, he’s got you
around the neck, Victor.

That’s still him.
That’s the guy.

Victor?

Victor, where are
you, buddy?

Get back out
on the street, pal.

Come on, Victor.
Get back into view, pal.

We can’t help you
if we can’t see you.

Come on, buddy.
Work your way back
into our view.

( GROANING
AND THUDDING NOISES )

Victor, Victor,
what are you
doin’ in here?

Get outta here.
Are you crazy?!

You’ll blow
the whole operation.

Victor, get him
outta here now!

Victor, shut the door.
The door.

Shut the door, Victor.

Okay, get out
on the street, buddy.

Are you out there
yet, pal?

- Come on, buddy.
- I don’t see ya.

I don’t see
ya, buddy.

Come on, buddy.
Get back into view
where we can help you.

Okay, there he is.
There he is.

Okay, all right.
We see you, buddy.

Okay. All right.

Looks like he’s beating you
about the head.

Looks like a little blood
comin’ out of your ears.

But you’re okay,
you’re just strollin’.

Just strollin’ along.

BOTH: Oooh!!

All right, he’s
rammin’ your face

against a plate
glass window now.

It’s okay, buddy,
it’s okay.

You don’t know
nothin’.

You’re just doin’
a little window shoppin’.

That’s it, Victor.
You’re just browsin’.

You’re checkin’ out
some prices.

Uh, uh.

He’s picking you
up, Victor.

BOTH: Oooh!!

Just lay there, Victor.
Just lay there.

He’s smashing your head
into the street, Victor.

Just lay there.
That’s it. Good idea.

Just takin’ a little
nap, that’s all.

Just catchin’ up on
a little sleep.

A little cat nap.
You’re not botherin’ anybody.

Okay, he’s
leavin’, Victor.

Victor, he’s leaving.

Looks like you
shook him, pal.

Good work, Victor.

You’re just
catchin’ some Z’s.

Just takin’
a little siesta.

Hey, hey!

Huh?

What are you
lookin’ at?

What do you mean,
what am I lookin’ at?

What I’m askin’ you,
what are you lookin’ at?
Are you lookin’ at me?

What’s with you?
What are you sayin’,
that I’m lookin’ at you?

Yeah. I’m sayin’
are you lookin’ at.

What are you
lookin’ at?

- What am I
lookin’ at?
- Yeah.

- Nothin’.
- All right.

What’ll you have?

- What are the specials?
- What, are you blind?

- What are you havin’?
- What does it look like?

Well, what’ll it be?

- Whatever that is.
- All right.

- Waitress.
- What do ya want?

- What do ya think?
- What?

- Water.
- All right.

Would you look at
what just walked in.

- What?
- That.

- Wow!
- Hey, what are
you lookin’ at?

What are we lookin’ at?
What, are you kiddin’?

- What?
- That.

- Where?
- There.

- Whoa.
- Oh, ho ho.

What is she
doin’ here?

What do you
suppose she wants?

What do ya think?

- What?
- Us.

Us? Her?

Sure.

Us?! Nah.

Yeah!

Nah!

Mmmm, what I
wouldn’t give.

What are ya
waitin’ for?

What, are you crazy?
What do I say?

Hello.

Hello? Whoa.

What else?

What’s your name,
what’s your phone number?

What time do you
get off work?

What have you
got to lose?

What’s your problem?

Ah, what am I doin’?

What? What?

What am I doin’?
What chance have I got?

What would a woman like that
see in a guy like me?
What, am I dreamin’?

What did I tell ya?

What’s so special
about him?

- What’s the difference?
- Yeah, what does it matter>

- What’s the use?
- What the hell?

What are you lookin’ at?

What are you
lookin’ at?!

( GROANS )

What are you
lookin’ at? Hey!

- Nothin’!
- All right.

Well, a lot has been made
in the last week

of Joe Montana’s
performance in the Super Bowl.

I mean, it was
terrific, right?

And yet,
brilliant as it was,

there’s been very little
mention of Joe’s talent

as a comic actor.

It’s true.
it’s true.

Tonight, we’d like to salute
Joe Montana, comedian,

in his great performance
in the comedy classic,

The Honest Man.

You know, Leslie,
I could talk to
you for days.

Gee, I’d like to
jump her bones.

Same here.

I haven’t even
noticed the time.

Gee, I wish
he’d jump my bones.

Whoa, I didn’t realize
how late it was.

You know, you’re welcome
to spend the night here,
in the living room.

If she says yes,
I’m home free.

Well, gee, you know,
I really shouldn’t.

I don’t wanna seem
too trampy.

Well, suit yourself.

Okay, I will.

Oh, great,
that’s my roommate, Stu.

Damn it. What a time
for him to show up.

Oh, terrific.
I’d love to meet him.

Oh, no. He’s gonna
ruin everything.

I think you’ll
really like Stu.

He’s absolutely the most
sincere, genuine,
straightforward person

you’ll ever
wanna meet.

A real honest guy.

What a jerk he is.

He sounds
really nice.

God, he sounds boring.

Oh, here he is.

Hey, Stu,
come on in.

Oh, I hope I’m
not disturbing you.

I hope I’m not
disturbing them.

No, not at all.

God, he’s gonna
scare her away.

Stu, this is Leslie.
Leslie, Stu.

Hi. I’m very
glad to meet you.

I’m very glad
to meet her.

Well, it’s nice
to meet you.

God, this guy’s
a stiff.

Leslie was going to
sleep in the living room,

unless that’s
a problem for you.

In which case,
she could sleep
in my room,

and I could
sleep on the floor.

Come on, you idiot,
help me out.

You know, maybe it would
be better if I stayed
in Dan’s room,

because we don’t want
to inconvenience you.

Hey, it’s fine with me
if you stay in
the living room.

It won’t bother
me at all.

It’s fine with me if she stays
in the living room.

It doesn’t bother me
at all.

Well, thanks
a lot, Stu.

Yeah, thanks
a lot, jerk.

You know, you are
so sweet.

Boy, is this guy lame.

Well, listen, Stu,

I think Leslie and I
are gonna stay up a while

and talk, so I guess
we’ll see you tomorrow.

Great.
See ya tomorrow.

Great. I’ll see them
tomorrow.

Uh, listen,
we’ll talk quietly

so as not to
disturb you, okay?

Oh, you won’t disturb me.
I’ll be in my room
masturbating.

They won’t disturb me.
I’ll be masturbating.

Good night.

I just wanted to say
that I had a great time.

I hope you all did.

I want to thank
my musical guest,

Mr. John Hiatt
and the Goners.

I wanna thank
all the cast and the crew,

and the writers
and the producers.

And Mike Myers
had his first shot tonight.

He did swell.

I hate to plug myself,

but I do have
a movie coming out.

It’s called
She’s Out Of Control.

I got time,
I might as well do it.

Mid-April.
Go see it.

I think it’s good.

What else?
Thank you.

And thanks to everybody,
the cast.

I love it,
it was great.

Thank you very much.