Original subtitles

Hello. I’m Ted Bundy.

Thank you.

You know, all too often,

we Americans take electricity for granted.

We assume that when we flip that switch,

the power will just be there.

Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case.

And I learned that the hard way on Tuesday,

when a brownout in central Florida

turned a routine execution

into an embarrassing and painful farce.

And now, I’ve gotta do it all over again.

And that started me thinking.

Does America have the energy reserves it needs

to carry it through the ’90s?

And if not, what are the alternatives?

Nuclear? Perhaps, but is it safe?

Coal is plentiful, but I worry about the environment.

Solar? Well, let’s be frank, it’s years away.

The fact is, no one energy source alone

can meet America’s energy needs.

As we head into the next decade,

or, as you head into the next decade,

we must rely on a combination of sources--

coal, hydroelectric, nuclear, conservation, and hanging.

This has been Ted Bundy, temporarily...

live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Al Franken.

Mike Myers.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guests John Hiatt and the Goners.

And starring Tony Danza.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Danza.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

That’s enough, that’s enough.

Sure, sure.

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Anybody’s good after Ted Bundy.

I know, I know.

Well, here I am, back in New York City,

my hometown, huh?

And hosting my favorite show, Saturday Night Live.

And let me tell you. Wait, wait.

It’s been three years since the last time I was here.

I hosted three years ago.

A lot has changed for me in three years.

I think the biggest thing that’s changed for me

in three years is that I was single then,

and I’m married now.

And I like marriage. I really like marriage.

’Cause in the morning now,

I’m waking up instead of coming to.

The guys liked that one.

No, really, really.

No, really, I do. I love marriage.

I think it’s my favorite institution.

There, honey, I said it, okay?

Okay, also, I have a 20-month-old little baby girl

named Katie. She’s terrific.

She’s terrific.

And tomorrow, my son, my son, Marc, who’s also terrific,

turns 18 years old. Huh? 18. Huh?

Look, 20 months, and 18 years.

Is that spacin’ ’em out or what?

I’m tellin’ ya.

Listen, let me tell you something.

The thing that you worry about most when you do this show,

and the thing I worried about most when I did it last time,

is the monologue.

You’re up here all by yourself,

and you’re scared, you’re afraid.

But the writers told me last time, "Don’t worry.

"We’ll write something for you, it’ll be real funny.

You’re gonna love it."

Then, of course, I ended up tap dancing.

This time I said, no way, that’s not gonna happen.

I grabbed the writers, I worked with them all week.

I worked with them all week, and so, we’re gonna get to

the tap dancing a lot faster this time.

Okay, so you ready for the tap dance?

Thank you.

Look, that’s it. We got a great show tonight.

We got a great show. We got John Hiatt and the Goners.

So don’t go anywhere. We’ll be right back.

I need three copies by 5:00.

Don’t let me down now.

5:00?!

I hope you weren’t planning on using the copier, dear.

We’re all out of toner.

- What about-- - The one downstairs?

The man’ll be here next Thursday.

- Then I’ll just have to use the-- - The laser printer?

Good luck.

What you could do is type it up here, stick it in the fax machine,

fax it to Houston, they fax it to Chicago,

they both fax it back here, and you’ve got three copies.

- What about resolution? - Doesn’t matter. She’ll never make it.

I need a miracle.

Carbon paper.

Here they are, sir.

Well, they don’t look so hot.

But you did beat the deadline. Nice work.

Whew.

We’re dyin’ out here.

What do I think about lingerie?

I think lingerie is a form of expression.

It isn’t what it reveals.

It’s what it leaves to the imagination.

Lace... lace is playful, and satin, mysterious.

And silk, well, silk is...

boombahdah boombahdah boombahdah boom!

Lingerie is always a beautiful surprise.

When a woman wears it, she’s saying,

"I like myself."

Boombahdah boombahdah boombahdah boom!

Buying lingerie for a woman.

Well, it can be a little awkward.

The size? Well, that’s the easy part.

Fitting a personality,

well, forget her personality.

You buy what you like, you take it home,

you tell her, hey, put it on, and then,

boombahdah boombahdah boom!

That’s what I like about lingerie.

* Oh, Susanna, don’t cry me *

* Gone Alabama banjo on knee *

* Rained hard, day left *

* Weather it dry *

* Sun hot, froze death *

* Susanna not cry *

Whole audience, sing.

* Oh, Susanna, don’t cry me *

* Come Alabama banjo on knee *

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening.

What can I tell you?

President Bush, badly hung over

from inaugural festivities,

gave his first press conference yesterday.

First, I sound worse than I feel.

Actually, the president had a bad cold,

and while sympathetic, Congress did remind him

that in his first week, Bush had already used up

four of his five sick days.

According to the Washington Postthis week,

Simon & Schuster bought the rights

to Reagan’s memoirs for $5 million.

But in a conflicting story, the New York Postsays

the deal was for $7 million.

Actually, it’s 5 million for the rights,

and 7 million if he remembers anything.

Yesterday, President Bush sought to assure the public

that their savings and loans deposits were safe,

despite the threatened loss of an estimated $100 billion

in S&L investments.

When asked to account for the disposition of that huge sum,

a spokesman for the savings and loan organizations,

Mr. George Bailey, said,

( IMITATING JIMMY STEWART) You got this all wrong.

The money’s not here.

Your money’s in Martini’s house

and your money’s in Bob’s house.

( APPLAUSE )

Didn’t know I was an impressionist, did you?

Last night on 20/20,

Barbara Walters interviewed Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi

who insisted to Walters

that he wanted to establish relations with the United States

and that he was not, repeat not, a madman.

Gaddafi’s claims were disputed by actress Robin Givens,

who accompanied Gaddafi to the interview.

"Muammar has a problem," she said,

"He’s a manic-depressive, and quite frankly,

there are times when he really frightens me."

Gaddafi was said to be incensed at the public contradiction.

No, not that button! Not that button!

President Bush has said that he wants to be the education president.

While Bush won’t actually be spending more money on education,

his administration will do everything it can

to encourage excellence in learning.

As part of this effort,

the White House has announced a new program

called Letters To Dan Quayle,

where students of all ages can write to the new vice-president.

We’re lucky to have the first letter.

It’s from 12-year-old Tommy O’Donnell,

of Alton, Illinois.

He writes, "Dear Vice-President Quayle,

"Last week, I came home with a report card

"with all D’s.

"My dad said that if I didn’t do more better in school,

"I would never get ahead.

"I told him that you did real bad in school, too,

"and you’re the vice-president.

"But he said you were still an idiot anyway.

"What can I tell my dad?

Sincerely, Tommy O’Donnell."

And we have the vice-president’s response.

"Dear Tommy...

"Thank you for your letter.

"Me and Mrs. Quayle like to hear

"that youngsters are concerned education-wise.

"Even though we do good in educating students in America,

"there is no reason we cannot do more better.

Sincerely, Dan Quayle, Vice-President."

I guess he didn’t really answer Tommy’s question.

Evidently, that’s a form letter.

And now, a special guest on Weekend Update.

Here with her predictions for 1989

is celebrated astrologer Jean Dixon.

Happy new year, Jeane.

Thank you.

Happy new year to you, too, Dennis.

Jeane, first I have to read this brief disclaimer, if I could.

The following segment is intended for entertainment purposes only.

It is of no known scientific value.

We ask that you not take this seriously for even a moment,

the inane, ludicrous sham that is astrology. Okay?

Thank you, Dennis.

I have some very exciting predictions for this year.

All right, Jeane. George Bush. What about him?

I see a lot of success for George Bush by May, Dwayne,

but he has a big task ahead of him,

and he must approach it properly.

If he listens to the right advice,

then he is sure to have a successful year.

But, and this is very important,

if President Burns heeds the wrong advice,

then he will be less successful, uh, Dixie.

But if he makes the right decisions,

it will pay off big for him.

Okay, Jeane, what do you see for Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith?

Oh, Don Jackson has quite a year ahead of him.

But he has to be very careful, Sandy,

because I predict he will have a very big hit film this year,

if he chooses the right script.

If that happens, Dimitri, it will pay off big for him.

But, and this is very important,

if he chooses the wrong script,

then things will not go as well for him and his lovely bride, uh...

uh, Mrs. Gibble.

What about rumors of a baby for the happy couple?

It will happen, Driver.

I predict that...

I predicted here.

I predict that Dan and Felicity will have a child,

and this is very important,

if they have sex together,

and not use any protection at all.

All right, Jeane. Boy or girl?

It will be a boy, Darryl.

Really? A boy?

Yes. Oh, and, whoa, whoa.

This is very important.

If the chromosomes are "XY."

Okay. Thank you, Jeane.

Thank you, Gerga.

Jeane Dixon.

I’m not sure Jeane can see the top line on the eye chart,

much less the future.

Contrary to popular belief,

economists now say that a hill of beans

is worth more than $2 million.

Political extremist Lyndon LaRouche

was sentenced yesterday to 15 years in prison

for federal tax fraud and loan defaults.

Well, it’s kind of apropos.

LaRouche has lost his bid for the presidency,

but at least now, he’ll get to be somebody’s first lady.

President Bush spent his first day in office

making use of the world leader chat line,

as he contacted by telephone

Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher,

Soviet Chief Mikhail Gorbachev,

and Pakistanian Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto.

Weekend Update has secured excerpts of that four-way conversation.

Let’s listen.

Hi. My name’s George. I’m the new president of the United States.

What’s your name?

Hi, George. I’m Benazir.

I’m the new prime minister of Pakistan.

What do you have on, George?

I don’t have anything on, Benazir. What do you have on?

Do you have a date tonight, George?

Of course he does not. He’s married.

- BUSH: Who’s that? - I am Gorby.

- Hey, Gorby. - I don’t have date either.

THATCHER: Do you like the beach?

BHUTTO: I love the beach. I go all the time.

BUSH: What are your favorite foods?

- GORBACHEV: I like French fries and nachos. - BHUTTO: I love nachos.

- George, do you have a car? - Yeah, but I don’t get to drive it.

- I have a driver. -ALL: Me, too.

- BHUTTO: Do you like to dance? -BUSH: Slow dancing’s okay,

but I can’t fast dance. I get too embarrassed.

Oh, that’s too bad. I like to dance.

What new 45’s have you bought?

- Sting. -BHUTTO: I love Sting.

GORBACHEV: Me, too!

Benazir, are there any cute boys in your class?

There are no cute boys in my country.

That’s the world leader chat line, folks.

Three dollars for the first minute,

and $1.75 each additional minute.

Heir apparents to the throne,

ask Mom and Dad before you make that call.

And from time to time,

Weekend Updatewelcomes views from around the world,

so now, here with a Scottish perspective

is Glasgow Times New York correspondent,

Stewart Rankin. Hello, Stewart.

Thank you, Dennis.

As I was watching your American Super Bowl

last Sunday, and reflecting on the competitive spirit,

I was reminded of a joke I once heard.

Two NUM workers go into a bar.

One has a quart of iron brew,

the other has a push chair.

The owner says, "You can’t come in here with that."

The other one goes, "Who do you think you are?

Prime Minister Dundas?"

Dundas.

The big coal strike.

Oh, come on. You know who Prime Minister Dundas is.

Well, isn’t that typical, huh?

The typical American attitude.

Oh, we’re America.

We’re the center of the universe.

We don’t have to know who Prime Minister Dundas is.

Look at the Super Bowl.

The 49-ers call themselves the world champions.

Well, they’ve not played Scotland.

Until they actually play the Aberdeen Razorbacks,

we won’t know for sure.

And the way that Scottish people are portrayed

on American television.

Cheap little bastards with wee beards and kilts,

flingin’ away to beat the band,

playin’ the bagpipes. ( IMITATING BAGPIPE SOUNDS )

Oh, don’t take my money, don’t take my money.

Jackie Stewart.

Oh, the track is very slick today.

You can look for a lot of accidents.

And back to you, Chris and Mackie in the pits.

Captain, I don’t think the engines can handle it.

Oh, we’ve got no power.

Week in, bloody week out!

Oh, you finally give Sean Connery

a best supporting actor.

Too little too late, if you ask me.

I’d like to take each member of the Academy,

and grind a bottle into their bastard faces,

until all that’s left is a cork.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, America.

I just... I just get so emotional.

I just... I love you. I really do.

I love you.

I bloody love you.

I just, you know...

Come here. I love you.

Stewart Rankin, folks. Stewart Rankin.

Thank you, Stewart.

Come on, come on.

Don’t worry. We’ll go out and rent Local Hero,okay?

LaToya Jackson, big sister of pop star Michael Jackson,

made her first appearance in Playboymagazine’s February issue.

Here’s one of the photos from the layout.

Now here’s that same photo, unretouched.

Those guys are just brilliant with an airbrush, aren’t they?

Like her brother Michael,

LaToya has admitted to extensive plastic surgery.

The most recent Jackson to have plastic surgery

is brother Jermaine, who has left show business

for the real estate business in Los Angeles.

Sure, they’re a little older, a little slower,

and a little grayer around the temple,

but the Rolling Stones today announced

that they’re definitely reuniting in ’89

for a nationwide tour.

This is the new car from Nissan in Japan,

the multi-purpose vehicle, S Cargo.

It is said to be popular with American parents

who want to ensure that their teenage sons

never, ever get laid.

Artist Norman Wainwright,

commenting on his commission to paint the official portrait

of our new first lady, Barbara Bush, said,

"She struck me as the kind of person

who just cannot tell a lie."

And before we go, I’d be remiss

if I didn’t remind you that next week

is Ronald Reagan’s birthday.

Wait till you see that birthday cake.

You talk about 1,000 points of light.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Hi. Is Mr. Harrington at home?

And who may I say is calling?

I’m a friend of Caroline’s.

Very well, sir.

- Wait here. - Thank you.

Oh, look at this place.

Hello. Edward Harrington. How may I help you?

Hi, Mr. Harrington. Look, I know you’re a busy man and everything,

so I’m just gonna say what I gotta say, okay?

Yes, please, Mister...?

DiNapoli. Frankie DiNapoli.

I’m here to talk to you about Caroline.

I love her, and I want us to get married.

What? Marry you?

Look, I know what you’re thinkin’.

You’re thinkin’ that I’m from the wrong side of the tracks,

but I really care about her,

and together, I think we can make it.

I’m sorry. That’s quite impossible.

Well, I know what you’re worried about.

You want Caroline to have the best,

and I can’t give her a lot of expensive things,

but I can give her a good life,

and an honest life, and a good home.

All this is immaterial.

Caroline is my wife.

We’ve been married for 15 years.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Right, right.

So I guess I’m not good enough to marry your wife, huh?

Is that it?

I mean, what would people say if one of the high and mighty Harringtons

married Frankie DiNapoli, the working stiff?

Frankie DiNapoli, who don’t know his salad fork

from the other forks, huh?

Well, there’s one thing I do know, Mr. Harrington.

When two people are in love, they get married.

Edward, who is this?

Caroline, my name is Frankie DiNapoli,

and I love you.

But I’ve never met you.

Oh, sure, sure.

Where was I supposed to meet you?

I’m so surprised we haven’t run into each other

at one of them society balls.

Oh, I forgot.

I never been to a society ball.

Tell me, are they quaint?

Edward, I don’t like this man.

I think you should leave, Mr. DiNapoli.

I’m not goin’ anywhere without Caroline.

Let me tell you something, mister.

As long as I am head of this family,

you will never marry my wife.

Thank you, darling.

Mr. DiNapoli, will you just leave us?

Oh! Oh, whoa. So now you don’t like me.

I’m not good enough for you, either, huh?

Well, just last weekend, in this very room,

you told me you loved me.

That’s not possible.

Look, you, my wife and I were in Antigua last weekend.

Okay, okay, so you caught me in a lie.

You caught me in a lie. So I’m a liar, okay?

So I’m not honest as the great Edward Harrington,

the king of the truth tellers.

So I guess I can’t marry your wife

just because I don’t happen to be honest.

Please, Mr. DiNapoli.

I saw what you put in your pocket.

Now return it, and I won’t call the police.

Oh, my mistake. My mistake.

I guess these aren’t allowed in the Harrington household.

I mean, people like you don’t steal things

when you get invited to a house.

It’s just not done, huh? It’s not top drawer.

So okay, Caroline, if it bothers you so much that I steal and I lie,

then maybe you should stay with the perfect man.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

- Frankie. - Hi, Frankie.

Hi, doc.

Mr. Harrington, I’m sorry to disturb you.

I’m Dr. Van Eden, from the Mid-Hudson Psychiatric Institute,

and we’re here to pick up Frankie,

and take him back to the center.

I’m sorry, Mr. DiNapoli.

Oh, oh, I see. I see.

Just because I’m insane, that makes you better than me.

That makes you better than me.

Just because you got a stable personality,

and you can tell the difference between reality and fantasy,

you look down your nose at me?

Oh, and of course,

we can’t have the blue-blooded Caroline Harrington

from the social register, marrying Frankie DiNapoli

who’s a liar and a stealer who has to live in a mental ward.

Let me tell you something, Mr. Harrington.

I’ve seen your high society, and I’ve seen your ritzy ways.

And I’ll tell you what.

You are the real mental ward.

Let’s go, doc.

Honey, do you think we’re really better than him?

Yes. Yes, I think we are.

Oh, I do, too.

- Champagne? - Okay.

The thing about a stake-out is,

you can sit and watch for two, three months, nothin’ happens.

Then all of a sudden, somethin’ happens.

Boom.

Victor, anything happenin’ down there, buddy?

Okay. If anything happens, we’re right here.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, we got trouble. Oh, geez.

Oh, no. They spotted Victor.

Victor. Victor, listen.

Listen, you’ve gotta leave your position immediately.

Get out of there. We think the suspect is on to you.

Victor? Victor, somethin’s not right, buddy.

Now try to remain calm.

The suspect is moving quickly in your direction.

He’s panicking.

Victor, Victor, don’t turn around.

Very casually, proceed south on Vernon Avenue.

Walk, Victor, walk. Don’t run.

Walk very casually. That’s it.

As if you’re out for a Sunday stroll.

All right, he’s comin’ up on you fast, buddy.

Slow down, Victor. You’re gonna give it away.

Just act normal. That’s it.

Just strolling along. That’s it.

Okay, now he’s...

He’s pulling something out of his coat.

It looks like a gun.

I can’t tell. It could be a...

Could be a soldering iron.

Or maybe one of those cigarette lighters

that looks like a gun, Victor. That’s right, yes.

Slow down, Victor. You’re speeding up again.

Just strolling. You don’t know nothin’.

No, it’s a gun, Victor.

He’s got a gun.

Still strolling, Victor. Don’t turn around.

Just strollin’ along, Victor.

Victor, Victor. Now make...

Victor, now make...

Victor, now make it casual, casual right now,

and continue westerly on Durning Avenue.

Okay, good. Good, Victor.

I think you lost him.

I think you lost him, buddy.

No, no, here he comes. He’s just around the corner.

Okay, okay, he’s very close now.

Very close.

Just act like nothin’s goin’ on.

Now his gun, his gun is leveled right at your head.

And wait, wait, wait. It looks like...

Looks like it jammed or somethin’.

Yes, he’s putting it away.

Victor, slow down. You’re supposed to be strolling.

Now he’s taking out...

It looks like a blackjack.

Can’t tell.

Might just be a sock filled with BB’s,

or a black turnip or somethin’.

Don’t turn around, Victor. Don’t turn around.

No, it’s definitely a blackjack, Victor.

Okay, hang on, buddy. Hang on.

He’s just about on top of ya.

BOTH: Ooh!!

Victor? Victor?

He’s jumped up on your back.

That’s him on your back, buddy.

Don’t let on that you know.

Just strollin’ along, completely unaware.

Yeah, he’s got you around the neck, Victor.

That’s still him. That’s the guy.

Victor?

Victor, where are you, buddy?

Get back out on the street, pal.

Come on, Victor. Get back into view, pal.

We can’t help you if we can’t see you.

Come on, buddy. Work your way back into our view.

( GROANING AND THUDDING NOISES )

Victor, Victor, what are you doin’ in here?

Get outta here. Are you crazy?!

You’ll blow the whole operation.

Victor, get him outta here now!

Victor, shut the door. The door.

Shut the door, Victor.

Okay, get out on the street, buddy.

Are you out there yet, pal?

- Come on, buddy. - I don’t see ya.

I don’t see ya, buddy.

Come on, buddy. Get back into view where we can help you.

Okay, there he is. There he is.

Okay, all right. We see you, buddy.

Okay. All right.

Looks like he’s beating you about the head.

Looks like a little blood comin’ out of your ears.

But you’re okay, you’re just strollin’.

Just strollin’ along.

BOTH: Oooh!!

All right, he’s rammin’ your face

against a plate glass window now.

It’s okay, buddy, it’s okay.

You don’t know nothin’.

You’re just doin’ a little window shoppin’.

That’s it, Victor. You’re just browsin’.

You’re checkin’ out some prices.

Uh, uh.

He’s picking you up, Victor.

BOTH: Oooh!!

Just lay there, Victor. Just lay there.

He’s smashing your head into the street, Victor.

Just lay there. That’s it. Good idea.

Just takin’ a little nap, that’s all.

Just catchin’ up on a little sleep.

A little cat nap. You’re not botherin’ anybody.

Okay, he’s leavin’, Victor.

Victor, he’s leaving.

Looks like you shook him, pal.

Good work, Victor.

You’re just catchin’ some Z’s.

Just takin’ a little siesta.

Hey, hey!

Huh?

What are you lookin’ at?

What do you mean, what am I lookin’ at?

What I’m askin’ you, what are you lookin’ at? Are you lookin’ at me?

What’s with you? What are you sayin’, that I’m lookin’ at you?

Yeah. I’m sayin’ are you lookin’ at.

What are you lookin’ at?

- What am I lookin’ at? - Yeah.

- Nothin’. - All right.

What’ll you have?

- What are the specials? - What, are you blind?

- What are you havin’? - What does it look like?

Well, what’ll it be?

- Whatever that is. - All right.

- Waitress. - What do ya want?

- What do ya think? - What?

- Water. - All right.

Would you look at what just walked in.

- What? - That.

- Wow! - Hey, what are you lookin’ at?

What are we lookin’ at? What, are you kiddin’?

- What? - That.

- Where? - There.

- Whoa. - Oh, ho ho.

What is she doin’ here?

What do you suppose she wants?

What do ya think?

- What? - Us.

Us? Her?

Sure.

Us?! Nah.

Yeah!

Nah!

Mmmm, what I wouldn’t give.

What are ya waitin’ for?

What, are you crazy? What do I say?

Hello.

Hello? Whoa.

What else?

What’s your name, what’s your phone number?

What time do you get off work?

What have you got to lose?

What’s your problem?

Ah, what am I doin’?

What? What?

What am I doin’? What chance have I got?

What would a woman like that see in a guy like me? What, am I dreamin’?

What did I tell ya?

What’s so special about him?

- What’s the difference? - Yeah, what does it matter>

- What’s the use? - What the hell?

What are you lookin’ at?

What are you lookin’ at?!

( GROANS )

What are you lookin’ at? Hey!

- Nothin’! - All right.

Well, a lot has been made in the last week

of Joe Montana’s performance in the Super Bowl.

I mean, it was terrific, right?

And yet, brilliant as it was,

there’s been very little mention of Joe’s talent

as a comic actor.

It’s true. it’s true.

Tonight, we’d like to salute Joe Montana, comedian,

in his great performance in the comedy classic,

The Honest Man.

You know, Leslie, I could talk to you for days.

Gee, I’d like to jump her bones.

Same here.

I haven’t even noticed the time.

Gee, I wish he’d jump my bones.

Whoa, I didn’t realize how late it was.

You know, you’re welcome to spend the night here, in the living room.

If she says yes, I’m home free.

Well, gee, you know, I really shouldn’t.

I don’t wanna seem too trampy.

Well, suit yourself.

Okay, I will.

Oh, great, that’s my roommate, Stu.

Damn it. What a time for him to show up.

Oh, terrific. I’d love to meet him.

Oh, no. He’s gonna ruin everything.

I think you’ll really like Stu.

He’s absolutely the most sincere, genuine, straightforward person

you’ll ever wanna meet.

A real honest guy.

What a jerk he is.

He sounds really nice.

God, he sounds boring.

Oh, here he is.

Hey, Stu, come on in.

Oh, I hope I’m not disturbing you.

I hope I’m not disturbing them.

No, not at all.

God, he’s gonna scare her away.

Stu, this is Leslie. Leslie, Stu.

Hi. I’m very glad to meet you.

I’m very glad to meet her.

Well, it’s nice to meet you.

God, this guy’s a stiff.

Leslie was going to sleep in the living room,

unless that’s a problem for you.

In which case, she could sleep in my room,

and I could sleep on the floor.

Come on, you idiot, help me out.

You know, maybe it would be better if I stayed in Dan’s room,

because we don’t want to inconvenience you.

Hey, it’s fine with me if you stay in the living room.

It won’t bother me at all.

It’s fine with me if she stays in the living room.

It doesn’t bother me at all.

Well, thanks a lot, Stu.

Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk.

You know, you are so sweet.

Boy, is this guy lame.

Well, listen, Stu,

I think Leslie and I are gonna stay up a while

and talk, so I guess we’ll see you tomorrow.

Great. See ya tomorrow.

Great. I’ll see them tomorrow.

Uh, listen, we’ll talk quietly

so as not to disturb you, okay?

Oh, you won’t disturb me. I’ll be in my room masturbating.

They won’t disturb me. I’ll be masturbating.

Good night.

I just wanted to say that I had a great time.

I hope you all did.

I want to thank my musical guest,

Mr. John Hiatt and the Goners.

I wanna thank all the cast and the crew,

and the writers and the producers.

And Mike Myers had his first shot tonight.

He did swell.

I hate to plug myself,

but I do have a movie coming out.

It’s called She’s Out Of Control.

I got time, I might as well do it.

Mid-April. Go see it.

I think it’s good.

What else? Thank you.

And thanks to everybody, the cast.

I love it, it was great.

Thank you very much.