All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E10.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

( PEOPLE CHEERING )

The 49-ers just won
Super Bowl XXIII.

Coach, congratulations.

Thanks, Marv.
It was a great game.

Yes, it was.
49-6 was the final,

but a closer game
than the score indicated.

Right now, we’ve got
a very special caller
on the phone.

Wants to say
hello to you.

Hello. Hello,
Coach Walsh.

- Coach Walsh.
- Yes, yes.

This is President Bush.

Yes, hello,
Mr. President.

( PLAYERS
SCREAMING )

Bill, I wanna
first of all

congratulate you
on a great game.

I’ll tell ya,
the way your team played,

I could use you guys
helping me up there
on Capitol Hill.

Thank you very much, sir.

You know, with that
defense of yours--

WOMAN: I have an emergency
call from the president.

Will you accept it?

What?

Should I take it?

Uh, I guess.

Hello, Coach Walsh.

Yes, yes.

This is Ronald Reagan.

Oh, hello,
Mr. President.

Listen, I just wanna say
congratulations

on winning
the game today.

Well, the way
your team played,

maybe we could
use your help

with Congress
on Capitol Hill.

Well, thank you
very much, sir.

Um, hello,
Mr. President.

Hello. Who’s that?

It’s me, George.

What are you
doing there?

Well, I’m here
calling Bill Walsh

( REAGAN STAMMERING )

Well, you wait
your turn, George.

Presidents first.

Actually, sir, it is
kind of my responsibility now,

and I was hoping that--

( REAGAN STAMMERING )

I guess I thought that
since I was president
during the season,

and the play-offs,

that I was supposed to,
well, that’s okay.

No, no, Mr. President,
I’m very honored, really.

Well, okay, but you
speak first, George.

You’re the president,
and then I’ll go.

All right. Well,
whatever you say, sir.

Okay, well, you go ahead.

Yes, sir.

Well, anyway, Bill,
congratulations,

( REAGAN HUMMING )

That defense of yours,
maybe we could use...

Sorry? I think we have
a bad connection.

No, I think that’s, um...

Okay, so, anyway,

the defense you have
is a dandy.

What?

No, I’m on the phone.

With Walsh.

Walsh.

The football coach.

From the game, yes.

I’m on with him.

Anyway, we could replace
the missiles we have

with that front line
of yours...

- ( DOGS BARKING )
- Hello, boys.

How you doin’,
old pal?

Hello. Come on.
Come here.

Well, listen, Bill,
Bill, why don’t you

just give me
your home phone...

Okay, sure.

Or you can visit
the White House.

You wanna go outside?

We can talk there.

Thank you, sir.

All right.

What?

I’m still on the phone.

Hello, Mr. President.

I’m holding on.

Walsh.

He’s talking to Bush.

President Reagan?

See, Bush called first.

I wasn’t supposed to call
because he’s president now.

Hello?

Hello!

Hello.

Hello, Coach. Hello.

Nobody’s answering.

Well, what should I do?

Oh, okay.

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown.

Mike Myers.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Musical guest
Anita Baker.

And starring
John Malkovich.

Ladies and gentlemen,
John Malkovich.

Hi. I’m John Malkovich,
and these are my own clothes.

I’m very pleased to be hosting
the first show of 1989,

and although I realize that’s
no reason for you to be excited,

it has caused quite a stir in
my hometown of Benton, Illinois,

which is right by Ina,

where they had the big murder
in the trailer park

a couple of years ago.

My whole family is planning
to watch the show,

unless it’s pre-empted for
the Kentucky University
basketball game,

at which point,
they’ll drive up to Mt. Vernon,

and watch it at
the Hollow Dome,

unless they have to
pay for the room overnight.

There is some doubt,
though,

as to whether my grandmother
will be watching.

Her response to my work
has, at time,

been somewhat guarded.

Her review of
The Killing Fields,

which was a film I was in
about genocide in Cambodia,

was, "You need a wig
like Pavarotti."

And I don’t even know
if he wears a wig.

In Places In the Heart,

I played a blind man
who caned chairs for a living,

and my mom drove Grandma
to see that in St. Louis,

which is about
100 miles away.

She didn’t say a word
on the return trip

for about 85
of the 100 miles.

Then she turned to my mother
and said, somewhat bitterly,

"I saw that boy
start caning chairs,

but I never saw him
finish one."

And then, I got
her thumbs down

on Death Of A Salesman.

I played a 17-year-old
and I did wear a wig.

Yes, it’s true.

But my grandmother said
she couldn’t watch that,

because of "that ignorant
forelock of hair."

Also said a kind of
curious thing about

Empire Of The Sun.

That was directed by the Jewish
boy, Steven Spielberg...

and that it didn’t play
around here.

So I called her yesterday
to get her thoughts

about me appearing on
Saturday Night Live,

which were, I think,
in this order:

"There’s something
about that show that I missed."

And "I don’t know if I can
set up that late,

but I like
that Anita Baker."

We have a great show,
and we’ll be right back.

I needed to take the bus,

but all I had
was a five-dollar bill.

I went to First Citiwide,

and they were able to give me
four singles and four quarters.

We will work
with the customer

to give that customer the change
that he or she needs.

If you come to us
with a $20 bill,

we can give you
two tens.

We can give you
four fives.

We can give you
a ten and two fives.

We will work with you.

I went to my First Citiwide
branch to change a 50.

Guess I was in
kind of a hurry.

I asked for a 20, a ten,
and two fives.

Well, the computers
picked up my mistake right away,

and I got
the correct change.

We’ve been in this business
a long time.

With our experience,
we’re gonna have ideas
for change combinations

that probably
haven’t occurred to you.

If you have a $50 bill,
we can give you 50 singles.

We can give you 49 singles
and ten dimes.

We can give you 25 twos.
Come talk to us.

We are not gonna give you
change that you don’t want.

If you come to us with
a $100 bill,

we’re not gonna give you
2,000 nickels...

unless that meets
your particular change needs.

We will give you the change
equal to

the amount of money
that you want change for.

That’s what we do.

It was so sweet
of you, Nancy.

Coming by
to wish me well

on your way
out of town.

Well, Barbara,

I had such a wonderful
eight years

in this
lovely old home.

I just wanted to wish
you and George the...

Wait a minute.

You moved that vase.

What?

Oh, yes, the Limoges.

I suppose I did.

My dear, you can’t
be serious.

A Limoges
in that light?

You can’t
see the detail.

Now, I’m not going
to tell you

how to run
the White House.

But I have had
about eight years’ experience

more than you, huh?

Let me just show you
where I had it.

I think you’ll
like it.

Now, let’s just
get rid of this picture

of George
and the grandchildren.

You know what they
look like anyway.

And... voila!Huh?

Oh, yes. It’s much
better there.

Thank you.

Well, I must admit,
I do have an eye.

When does
your plane leave?

Whenever we get there.

That’s the wonderful thing
about Air Force One.

Yes, but it won’t really
be Air Force One.

That has to stay
here for George and me.

Sugar?

Lemon.

- Thank you, Sarah.
- Those look lovely.

- Just put them down...
- Put them over here.

Well, after eight years,
I feel like I still
own the place.

But of course,
it is your house for now.

Yes. It is.

And I notice you’re using
the Roosevelt tea service.

Don’t you find it
a little old-fashioned
and dowdy?

I much prefer the one
that Frank and Barbara Sinatra
gave to the White House.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I felt it
was a little cold
and lacking in charm,

and I wanted to use
an historical tea service
for this occasion.

The current first lady
says farewell

to the outgoing
first lady.

And I am the outgoing one,
am I not?

Excuse me,
Mrs. Bush.

Your appointment.

Oh, I hate to cut
our tea short,

but there’s so much
to be done.

Oh, my dear, I know.

I mean, after eight years
and two inaugurations.

Well, yes, that’s why
I wanted you to be

the first guest
in my house.

Excuse me.
The photographers
are downstairs.

BOTH: Tell them I’ll
be right down.

Nancy, I really
must go.

Of course. I’ll just
stay here until
I finish my tea.

Why, I wouldn’t dream
of leaving you alone.

Not even for
five minutes.

Go on, you’ll be late.

I think I left
a hatbox upstairs anyway.

- I’ll go up with you.
- No, I know exactly
right where it is.

Just tell me
where it is.

George and I
will mail it to you.

No, don’t waste
the taxpayers’
money, Barbara.

Tom, would you escort
Mrs. Reagan down to
her limousine?

Oh, I don’t really
need an escort.

- Mrs. Reagan.
- No, Tom.

What kind of
a hostess would I be

if I didn’t see you
safely escorted down
to your car?

I think I can
show myself out,
Barbara.

Edward. Edward,
could you come in here?

Mrs. Reagan seems to be
having trouble finding
her way out.

No, Barbara, really.
Don’t worry about me.

I can perfectly find
my way out.

This was my home
for so long.

You’re going to miss
your appointment, Barbara.

After all, the press
can be very rude
when you’re late.

I know.

I know
you have to run.

California’s
so far away.

Don’t be a stranger.

Just write any time.

You know the address.

Give our love...

Oh, dear, her purse.

Tom, would you please
return this to
Mrs. Reagan?

Don’t let her
out of her car.

A lot of people don’t realize
that change is a two-way street.

You can come to us
with 16 quarters,

eight dimes
and four nickels,

we can give you
a five-dollar bill.

We can give you
five singles.

Or two singles,
eight quarters, and ten dimes.

You’d be amazed at
the variety of options you have.

I was driving through
Pennsylvania on the toll way,

and to save time, I was using
the exact-change lanes.

I had just run out
of quarters,

and I was getting
a bit nervous

when I spotted a sign
for a First Citiwide branch

at the next exit.

Let me tell you,
it was a pretty good feeling.

I have had people come in
with wrinkled ten-dollar bills,

who want new, crisp bills
to put in birthday cards.

We can handle
special requests like that.

Usually the same day.

I’d just returned from
a business trip to London,

and all the cash I had
was a five-pound note.

Citiwide wasn’t able
to convert it into dollars,

but they did give me
four guineas, two crowns,

four shillings,
and tenpence.

All the time,
our customers ask us,

how do you make
money doing this?

The answer is simple.
Volume.

That’s what we do.

Oh, how nice,
how nice.

Hi, everybody.
Welcome to Attitudes.

- I’m Linda Dano.
- And I’m Nancy Glass.

And I’m Italian.

We were out here
in the studio

saying hi to people,

and we have a very interesting
crowd with us today.

We’ve got folks from
Chicago, Rhode Island,

Oklahoma and Austria.

- Oh, Austria.
- Vie getz.

Oh, boy. Well, guys,
we have got a show
for you today.

We are going to
see some art.

It’s true.

Art we can not only
collect and appreciate, but...

BOTH: Wear and use.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

It’s time to bring out
our guest now.

This young man
has made a--

Huge splash.

Ooh, big one.

On the west coast
art scene,

and he’s here now
to tell us all about it.

Welcome, please,
Len Tukwilla.

Yeah, yeah.

Now you have become
the hottest new artist

on the west coast.

Tell us what you do
and how you do it.

Actually, I’m from
the Pacific Northwest.

Botha, Washington.

And what are you doing
out there in
the art community

that’s just blowing
everybody away?

I’m a driftwood sculptor.

And what is
a driftwood sculptor, Len?

A driftwood sculptor
is an artist...

who works organic
shapes of wood

until they’re smoother
and darker and shinier.

The end result is usually
a bird or a whale,

but the end result can be
a knotted, twisty shape.

Oh.

And then, that would be
abstract art, right?

Exactly. When I look
at a piece of driftwood,

I don’t just see
a piece of driftwood.

I see a squirrel’s nest.

Oh!

And when you see
that squirrel’s nest,

- what happens next?
- What’s the process?

I... I work the wood
until it is smooth,

and I oil it
until it is dark.

Then I glue
a small squirrel on it.

I place acorns
all around the piece itself.

Fascinating,
fascinating.

So an ordinary
piece of wood

just explodes into
a work of art.

It doesn’t explode.

It’s a very, very
painstaking process.

It doesn’t just
happen overnight,

unless you work on it
all night long.

Let’s see the piece
you brought with you.

Yes, we’re gonna
look at a piece
of your driftwood.

Yeah. I love
the purse.

It’s not a purse,
you bozo.

Oh, excuse me.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

Oh, the flowers.
Get rid of the flowers.

Now that looks to me
like a person, a person
who’s thinking.

Yeah, it looks like
Rodin’s The Thinker.

Yes. I love
that artist.

And how did you get
the wood sculpted
into that shape?

I found it
exactly like that.

Can we touch it?

We are going to
touch the driftwood now.

Touching the wood.

Okay, it’s very smooth.

Smooth and dark.

It’s really
smooth and dark.

Yeah, once I found a piece
shaped just like a rabbit.

I was so happy.

You know, the work involved
is overwhelming.

Look at this.

How much oil
would you say

it took to use on
a piece this size?

A lot.

Wow.

How did this driftwood
odyssey begin?

Where did it start,
when did it happen?

I was wading in the ocean,

and I felt something
brushing against my leg.

Eww.

So I got scared,
so I started going
back toward the shore.

But this thing
was following me.

So I started wading
faster and faster,

and when I got
up to the beach,

this thing
was still with me.

It came right up
on the shore.

It was a piece of wood.

So it drifted
right up with you.

It came to you.

And that’s when
I noticed that it
was all over the beach.

All this wood
had drifted in.

Wow.

Where does it
come from?

Uh... that’s
a good question.

I don’t know.

It comes from
the woods, I guess.

But I’m not sure.

Well, have you ever
thought of working
with any other kind...

In another medium?
A different medium?

No.

Now I could make
a driftwood sculpture.

Something I can
finally do, right?

Now, could I do that?

No, I don’t think so.

What’s next for
Len Tukwilla?

Where will he be
at 40? 50?

Sixty? Seventy?

How old will
Len Tukwilla get?

Uh, pretty old,
I think.

It’s something
to think about.

Yeah. Well, something
else to think about.

Tell us all the other
interesting things

you’ve made out of
driftwood.

Things we can use.

Well, I made
driftwood hats.

Mmm!

Ear muffs.

Great.

- Shoes.
- Wow.

Wine racks,
mobiles.

Wow. Wow.

Back scratchers.

Len Tukwilla,
driftwood artist,

dreamer, finder,
seeker.

Maker of
driftwood things.

- Thank you
for being here.
- Bless you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Oh, whoa!

Wow. That was fun.

We’ve had some kind
of odyssey here,
but we’ve gotta go along.

We have a great show
tomorrow.

Our husbands are going
to be here with us
on the show.

I don’t know about that.

And Mike Dukakis
will be here to show us
how to make baklava.

We’ll see ya. Bye.

Hi. I’m Gary Busey.

You know, ridin’ a motorcycle
is no picnic,

unless your idea
of a picnic

is gettin’
whapped upside the head

with a piece of
cement curb.

That’s why I urge
all you bike riders

to go out and buy my new
Gary Busey motorcycle helmet.

It’s comfortable,
it’s good-lookin’,

and most important,
it’s safe.

But if you’re like me,

maybe you want
a little extra protection.

That’s why
I’m also offerin’

the Gary Busey
motorcycle helmet protector.

It fits on
over the helmet,

and keeps your noggin
as snug as a bug.

But if you don’t still feel
adequately protected,

you might consider
tackin’ on

the Gary Busey outer helmet
protector protector,

which I cannot show you here
because of its enormous size.

But however many helmets
you wear,

remember, some of these new
video games they have out now

can give the almost
exact same sensation

as ridin’ a motorcycle,

and they’re
a whole lot safer.

But even with them,
I’d wear a helmet,

in case you slipped on
the floor or something.

Now let’s ride.

Gary Busey
motorcycle helmets,

motorcycle helmet
protectors,

and outer helmet
protector protectors.

From the makers of
Gary Busey suits of armor.

My lord,
Lady Tewksbury
is here to see you.

Very well.
Send her in.

Edmund. Oh, at last,
we are together.

I have at long last
resolved to speak
my deepest secret.

Edmund, my God,
I love thee.

I do so love thee.

You mock me.

Why, Edmund,

nothing could be
further from the truth.

I adore you.
I worship you.

You mock me.

Mock you?

Why, Edmund,
how could I mock so noble
and honorable a man?

A man who is
so completely
unworthy of mockery.

If you truly love me,

then why do you insist
on mocking me so?

Away with you!

- No.
- Go. Leave at once!

Very well.

But if you will
not requite my love,

I will kill myself.

You mock me!

And I will
not be mocked!

The insolence
and bold effrontery.

She was mocking me,
was she not?

Oh, yes,
Your Lordship.

I was crimson
with rage

at the egregious
impertinence of
her bold impudence.

Weren’t you, Thomas?

Oh, yes, yes.
The brazen audacity
of her tongue

was surpassed only by
her derisive hauteur.

I thought so.

My lord, the royal artist
has completed his portrait
of Your Lordship.

He seeks your approval.

Show him in.

Master, I humbly present
the fruit of two years’ labor.

The royal portrait!

My lord is not pleased
with the portrait?

You mock me.

Your Lordship,
quite the contrary.

The portrait celebrates
your noble bearing.

I have put you in uniform
to capture the lion heart

that beats within
your heroic breast.

Will this mockery
never cease?

Away with you.

If there is one thing
I cannot abide,

it is being mocked.
Now go!

And take your grotesque
caricature with you!

I will not be mocked!

Was I wrong?

As ever,
no, Your Highness.

His most contemptuous
rendering was a taunt
on canvas.

Would you
say so, Thomas?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

The effrontery of
his derisive painting

was surpassed only by
his brazen gall.

Exactly.

My Lord,
Nigel the groundskeeper
seeks a word with you.

If he must.

Excuse me, squire.
I hate to bother you.

We’ve been having
some problems with poachers.

We’ve noticed
12 wild pigs missing,

and several
pheasants, as well.

I would like to request
a detachment of your guard

to help find
the transgressors.

- You mock me.
- I’m sorry, squire?

You... mock... me.

As I was saying, squire,

if we could deal with
this poacher matter--

I find it most baffling
that one so low

would hope to gain
from mocking one so high.

Excuse me, squire. I don’t mean
to talk out of turn,

but with respect to
this mockery, sir,

I would imagine
if anyone was mocking you,

it would be
the poachers themselves.

They mock me,
but not to my face.

- Now away with you!
- Right away, squire.

I will not be mocked!

I grow weary.

The moon is out.

I say, the moon is out.

And yet, it is day.

The moon mocks me...

and I will not
be mocked.

Yes, yes.

The crescent moon
dare not show
its full face

lest its lunar contempt
be seen for what it is.

A brazen panoply
of effrontery.

Thomas.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

The impudence of
the moon’s bold audacity.

I will retire now
to my chamber,

where there are only my bed
and my dreams to mock me.

I will not be mocked!

- You mock me!
- I will not be mocked!

( BOTH TALKING AT ONCE )

The moon is mocking me!

I will not be mocked,
I will not be mocked!

Oh, sire, I do
love you so.

You mock me.
I will not be mocked.

( MOCKING CONTINUES )

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening.
What can I tell you?

In a bizarre
mix-up this week,

George Bush was inducted into
the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame,

and Little Richard
was sworn in

as the 41st president
of the United States.

In an interesting
side note,

Little Richard will act as
his own first lady.

My favorite
inaugural moment

was that synchronized
swimming demonstration

that the Bushes did
during the parade.

While all of us have seen the
swearing in of President Bush,

both live at
the inauguration,

and then replayed
over and over again on the news,

most of us missed
the swearing in of the man

next in line,
so as a public service,

here is a clip of
Associate Justice
Sandra Day O’Connor

administering
the oath of office

to now-Vice-President
Dan Quayle.

If you’ll raise
your right hand,

and place your
left hand on the bible.

Now repeat after me.

I, James Danforth Quayle...

I, James
Danforth Quayle.

Do solemnly swear to
faithfully execute
the office

of vice-president
of the United States.

Do...
I’m sorry. What?

Do solemnly swear.

Do solemnly and... swear?

Solemnly swear.

Solemnly...
I’m sorry.

- Swear.
- Swear.

- To.
- To.

- Faith...
- Faith...

- ...ful...
- ...ful...

- ...ly...
- ...ly...

- Ex...
- Ex...

- ...e...
- ...e...

- ...cute...
- ...cute...

- the...
- the...

- off...
- off...

- ...ice...
- ...ice...

- of...
- of...

- the...
- the...

- vice...
- vice...

- pres...
- pres...

I’m sorry,
I had to cut it off.

He was coming up to
the word "president,"

and it was gonna get
real ugly there.

At Dan Quayle’s
swearing in,

there was a bizarre
UFO sighting.

The alien spacecraft
landed on Marilyn Quayle’s head,

and stayed there for
the duration of the ceremony.

What’s with that flip
in Maril’s hair there?

What is that about?

Isn’t that
the corporate logo

for the Ocean Spray
cranberry juice company?

According to
the U.S. Census Bureau,

everybody in L.A. is now
the vice-president of something.

And now, here’s the man
that’s responsible for

everything I’ve ever
achieved in my life,

A. Whitney Brown
with The Big Picture.

Well, my friends,
we’ve just witnessed

the most overblown inaugural
celebration in history.

The coronation of
George Herbert Walker Bush.

I mean, so, all right,
he won already.

Does he have to keep
rubbin’ it in?

I suppose he expects us all
to send him presents

on his birthday, too.

I tell you, though,
it was one hell of a party.

It’s hard to believe
you can have so much fun

for only $30 million.

There were 11
inaugural balls.

Some people would say
that’s a little excessive,

but, you know, it takes
a lot of balls

to throw a $30 million
celebration

before you’ve even
done anything.

There were dinner parties
that cost $1,500 a plate.

When you think about it,

it’s lucky the Democrats
didn’t win the election,

because they couldn’t
have afforded to come
to the inaugural.

People actually paid
$15,000 for a hotel suite

overlooking the parade.

On the other hand,
you can sleep on a grate

a block from the White House
for almost nothing,

but chances are,
you’re not gonna get waved to.

And after all, it is
the 200th anniversary

of the presidency, and that’s
something to celebrate.

From George to George.

In only 200 years,

we’ve gone from
"I cannot tell a lie"

to "I cannot tell."

I’ll tell you
one thing, though.

Security was a lot looser at
George Washington’s inaugural.

But then again,

that George had John Adams
for his vice-president.

When you put all this
into the big picture,

what’s $30 million
these days anyway?

I figure the neighborhood
crack concession

could cover the tab
in a good weekend.

Anyway, as Ronald Reagan
rides off into the sunset,

I’d like to
wish him the best,

because there’s no one
I’d rather see

live to a happy, healthy,
ripe old age,

except maybe for those
last few moderates

on the Supreme Court.

And that, my friends,
is The Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, Whitney.

And to all those people
out there

who insist that
they’ve seen Elvis,

wake up, folks.
I’ve got news for you.

Elvis wasn’t alive
when he was alive.

PTL preacher
Jim Bakker

was asked to empty out
his pockets

while going through
a metal detector

at Atlanta’s
Hartsfield Airport this week.

And the Pentagon this week
unveiled its newest weapon,

the Stooge missile,

which can be computer-programmed
to hit a target in both eyes

at a range of over
10,000 miles.

In cable news this week,
Showtime unveiled

the latest Charles Bronson
epic Death Wish 4.

In this one, Bronson
attacks his own daughter,

hunts himself down,
and commits suicide.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

Geez, I love
your place, Larry.

The perfect
country house.

You probably wanna be
out here all the time now.

MAN: Turn into
a country boy.

Yeah. We put so many miles
on the car after we
closed the deal.

How’s that bird
lookin’, Larry?

Let’s take a look.

( ALL EXCLAIMING )

That looks
good, Larry.

- Are you
hungry, kids?
- BOTH: Yeah.

Yeah, you played hard
today, huh?

Oh, they are gonna
sleep tonight.

So how old
are you, Larry?

- Twenty.
- 34!

( ALL SCREAMING )

Holy smokes!

What the hell
was that?

I don’t know.
It’s a huge bird.

Its neck
is broken.

Oh, my God!

Some kind of
a vulture or something.

It smacked right
into the window.

What’s that, Daddy?

Jackie, you kids
go inside.

Go around the front.
Around the front.

Jack, do something.
It looks like it broke
its neck.

What do you
want me to do?

Maybe it’s sick
or something.

The thing just smashed
right into the window.

Wendy, move that salad,
would you?

LARRY: I think we should
put it out of its misery.

( ALL EXCLAIMING )

Just stand back.

I can’t watch this.
I can’t watch this.

I can’t either.

Larry. Larry, I don’t
think the mallet thing’s
gonna work.

It’s got that
plastic thing
on the end.

I know. I got
a pellet gun
in the shed.

The thing
is suffering.

Put it out of
its misery.

Just do something.

Here, let me
have a crack at it.

( BIRD SQUAWKING )

Oh, read us something
aloud from the paper

so we don’t have
to hear that.

All right, how about
something about quintuplets?

- Yeah.
- That’s fine.

There were five children
born at one time...

All right, gentlemen,
if there’s no further business,

I think this concludes
our cabinet meeting.

Mr. President, there is
one other item
on the agenda.

It seems we’re scheduled
to hear a presentation

from that frontiersman.
What’s his name again?

The name is Johnny.

Johnny Canal.

* There are many canals
to take in life *

* And one man
took them all *

* He fought with his blade
and he fought with his knife *

* And he fought with
his blade and his knife *

* Johnny Canal,
Johnny Canal *

* Johnny Canal! *

Johnny Canal,
brought to you by...

Not affiliated with the
Oldsmobile motor car company.

And by the Atlantic
Puppy Grinding Company.

Maybe it’s evil,
but think of the jobs.

Also brought to you by...

whose generous but
inexplicable contributions

have helped make
this commercial network
program possible.

* Johnny Canal,
Johnny Canal *

* Johnny Canal! *

So, what I am proposing,
gentlemen,

is a system of canals
knitting together

every corner of
this great land of ours.

As you can see,
gentlemen,

every city,
town and village,

would be connected toe
very other city and town

by its own canal.

Let’s say,
for example,

you wanted to get from
Springfield, Illinois,

to Durham,
North Carolina.

Well, you just take
the Springfield to Durham canal.

Or say you had
a hankerin’

to go from
Brunswick, Maine,

all the way over to
Valparaiso, Indiana.

Well, you take the Brunswick
to Valparaiso canal.

Then, if you wanted
to go back to Brunswick,

you’d take the
Valparaiso-Brunswick canal,

which runs about
parallel to

the Brunswick
to Valparaiso canal.

The beauty of it is,
you couldn’t get lost,

because each canal
only goes one place.

So, what do you think?

Excuse me,
Mr. Canal.

Is it your proposal
that every town,

even the tiniest
villages,

have literally
hundreds of canals

running in
and out of them?

Or more.

Well, I don’t
understand.

What would
be the point?

Mr. Canal!

Mr. Canal, stop!
Stop this instant!

I must ask that
you refrain

from knife fighting
in the White House.

Now, please, continue
with your presentation.

I’m dreadfully sorry,
Mr. President.

I don’t know
what came over me.

Mr. Canal, your plan is
certainly an intriguing one,

but there are several points
that you haven’t touched on.

For example, the proposed
cost of this project.

How long it would
take to build.

Who would maintain it
once it was built?

Would these be
toll canals or free?

How would the rights
to the land be obtained?

By condemnation
or by outright purchase?

Is there sufficient water
to fill such a vast
network of canals?

If not, could sea water
be pumped in to
augment the system?

Would the barges be
steam-driven or
towed by mules?

Where would the millions
of workmen needed to dig
these canals come from?

And how could they
be fed and housed
during construction?

Would the canal embankments
be the property of the state
or the federal government?

I think we’re all anxious
to hear more of the details
of your plan.

Look, do you want
the canals or not?

Well, I have one
very serious concern.

Most of the towns
on your map are
already served by

our nation’s railroads.

So what would be the point
of building an expensive,

impractical, and utterly
redundant system of canals?

Mr. Canal!
Mr. Canal, I’m warning you!

Sorry, sir.

It won’t happen again.

Well, I guess if
there are no other questions,

I guess I’ll be
movin’ on.

You gentlemen
can discuss my plan,

and inform me
of your decision.

Actually, I do have
one question before you go.

Yes, sir?

Where did you get
the name Johnny Canal?

Is that your real name?

No, sir, it’s not.

It’s sort of
a funny story really.

My last name is Canal.

But my first name
is actually John.

Now, where they came up
with Johnny,

I don’t really know.

That’s pretty funny,
don’t you think?

* There are many canals
to take in life *

* And one man
took them all *

* He fought with his blade
and he fought with his knife *

* And he fought with
his blade and his knife *

* Johnny Canal,
Johnny Canal *

* Johnny Canal! *

We’d like to thank you
all for coming.

I’d like to say it was
a great thrill for me.

I never thought I’d get
to work with Jon Lovitz,

and I hope I never
will again.

The man is a pig
and a menace.

We’d like to very much
thank Anita Baker.

I got free tickets.

And it was really,
really a pleasure.

Thank you very much.