Original subtitles

( PEOPLE CHEERING )

The 49-ers just won Super Bowl XXIII.

Coach, congratulations.

Thanks, Marv. It was a great game.

Yes, it was. 49-6 was the final,

but a closer game than the score indicated.

Right now, we’ve got a very special caller on the phone.

Wants to say hello to you.

Hello. Hello, Coach Walsh.

- Coach Walsh. - Yes, yes.

This is President Bush.

Yes, hello, Mr. President.

( PLAYERS SCREAMING )

Bill, I wanna first of all

congratulate you on a great game.

I’ll tell ya, the way your team played,

I could use you guys helping me up there on Capitol Hill.

Thank you very much, sir.

You know, with that defense of yours--

WOMAN: I have an emergency call from the president.

Will you accept it?

What?

Should I take it?

Uh, I guess.

Hello, Coach Walsh.

Yes, yes.

This is Ronald Reagan.

Oh, hello, Mr. President.

Listen, I just wanna say congratulations

on winning the game today.

Well, the way your team played,

maybe we could use your help

with Congress on Capitol Hill.

Well, thank you very much, sir.

Um, hello, Mr. President.

Hello. Who’s that?

It’s me, George.

What are you doing there?

Well, I’m here calling Bill Walsh

( REAGAN STAMMERING )

Well, you wait your turn, George.

Presidents first.

Actually, sir, it is kind of my responsibility now,

and I was hoping that--

( REAGAN STAMMERING )

I guess I thought that since I was president during the season,

and the play-offs,

that I was supposed to, well, that’s okay.

No, no, Mr. President, I’m very honored, really.

Well, okay, but you speak first, George.

You’re the president, and then I’ll go.

All right. Well, whatever you say, sir.

Okay, well, you go ahead.

Yes, sir.

Well, anyway, Bill, congratulations,

( REAGAN HUMMING )

That defense of yours, maybe we could use...

Sorry? I think we have a bad connection.

No, I think that’s, um...

Okay, so, anyway,

the defense you have is a dandy.

What?

No, I’m on the phone.

With Walsh.

Walsh.

The football coach.

From the game, yes.

I’m on with him.

Anyway, we could replace the missiles we have

with that front line of yours...

- ( DOGS BARKING ) - Hello, boys.

How you doin’, old pal?

Hello. Come on. Come here.

Well, listen, Bill, Bill, why don’t you

just give me your home phone...

Okay, sure.

Or you can visit the White House.

You wanna go outside?

We can talk there.

Thank you, sir.

All right.

What?

I’m still on the phone.

Hello, Mr. President.

I’m holding on.

Walsh.

He’s talking to Bush.

President Reagan?

See, Bush called first.

I wasn’t supposed to call because he’s president now.

Hello?

Hello!

Hello.

Hello, Coach. Hello.

Nobody’s answering.

Well, what should I do?

Oh, okay.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown.

Mike Myers.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest Anita Baker.

And starring John Malkovich.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Malkovich.

Hi. I’m John Malkovich, and these are my own clothes.

I’m very pleased to be hosting the first show of 1989,

and although I realize that’s no reason for you to be excited,

it has caused quite a stir in my hometown of Benton, Illinois,

which is right by Ina,

where they had the big murder in the trailer park

a couple of years ago.

My whole family is planning to watch the show,

unless it’s pre-empted for the Kentucky University basketball game,

at which point, they’ll drive up to Mt. Vernon,

and watch it at the Hollow Dome,

unless they have to pay for the room overnight.

There is some doubt, though,

as to whether my grandmother will be watching.

Her response to my work has, at time,

been somewhat guarded.

Her review of The Killing Fields,

which was a film I was in about genocide in Cambodia,

was, "You need a wig like Pavarotti."

And I don’t even know if he wears a wig.

In Places In the Heart,

I played a blind man who caned chairs for a living,

and my mom drove Grandma to see that in St. Louis,

which is about 100 miles away.

She didn’t say a word on the return trip

for about 85 of the 100 miles.

Then she turned to my mother and said, somewhat bitterly,

"I saw that boy start caning chairs,

but I never saw him finish one."

And then, I got her thumbs down

on Death Of A Salesman.

I played a 17-year-old and I did wear a wig.

Yes, it’s true.

But my grandmother said she couldn’t watch that,

because of "that ignorant forelock of hair."

Also said a kind of curious thing about

Empire Of The Sun.

That was directed by the Jewish boy, Steven Spielberg...

and that it didn’t play around here.

So I called her yesterday to get her thoughts

about me appearing on Saturday Night Live,

which were, I think, in this order:

"There’s something about that show that I missed."

And "I don’t know if I can set up that late,

but I like that Anita Baker."

We have a great show, and we’ll be right back.

I needed to take the bus,

but all I had was a five-dollar bill.

I went to First Citiwide,

and they were able to give me four singles and four quarters.

We will work with the customer

to give that customer the change that he or she needs.

If you come to us with a $20 bill,

we can give you two tens.

We can give you four fives.

We can give you a ten and two fives.

We will work with you.

I went to my First Citiwide branch to change a 50.

Guess I was in kind of a hurry.

I asked for a 20, a ten, and two fives.

Well, the computers picked up my mistake right away,

and I got the correct change.

We’ve been in this business a long time.

With our experience, we’re gonna have ideas for change combinations

that probably haven’t occurred to you.

If you have a $50 bill, we can give you 50 singles.

We can give you 49 singles and ten dimes.

We can give you 25 twos. Come talk to us.

We are not gonna give you change that you don’t want.

If you come to us with a $100 bill,

we’re not gonna give you 2,000 nickels...

unless that meets your particular change needs.

We will give you the change equal to

the amount of money that you want change for.

That’s what we do.

It was so sweet of you, Nancy.

Coming by to wish me well

on your way out of town.

Well, Barbara,

I had such a wonderful eight years

in this lovely old home.

I just wanted to wish you and George the...

Wait a minute.

You moved that vase.

What?

Oh, yes, the Limoges.

I suppose I did.

My dear, you can’t be serious.

A Limoges in that light?

You can’t see the detail.

Now, I’m not going to tell you

how to run the White House.

But I have had about eight years’ experience

more than you, huh?

Let me just show you where I had it.

I think you’ll like it.

Now, let’s just get rid of this picture

of George and the grandchildren.

You know what they look like anyway.

And... voila!Huh?

Oh, yes. It’s much better there.

Thank you.

Well, I must admit, I do have an eye.

When does your plane leave?

Whenever we get there.

That’s the wonderful thing about Air Force One.

Yes, but it won’t really be Air Force One.

That has to stay here for George and me.

Sugar?

Lemon.

- Thank you, Sarah. - Those look lovely.

- Just put them down... - Put them over here.

Well, after eight years, I feel like I still own the place.

But of course, it is your house for now.

Yes. It is.

And I notice you’re using the Roosevelt tea service.

Don’t you find it a little old-fashioned and dowdy?

I much prefer the one that Frank and Barbara Sinatra gave to the White House.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I felt it was a little cold and lacking in charm,

and I wanted to use an historical tea service for this occasion.

The current first lady says farewell

to the outgoing first lady.

And I am the outgoing one, am I not?

Excuse me, Mrs. Bush.

Your appointment.

Oh, I hate to cut our tea short,

but there’s so much to be done.

Oh, my dear, I know.

I mean, after eight years and two inaugurations.

Well, yes, that’s why I wanted you to be

the first guest in my house.

Excuse me. The photographers are downstairs.

BOTH: Tell them I’ll be right down.

Nancy, I really must go.

Of course. I’ll just stay here until I finish my tea.

Why, I wouldn’t dream of leaving you alone.

Not even for five minutes.

Go on, you’ll be late.

I think I left a hatbox upstairs anyway.

- I’ll go up with you. - No, I know exactly right where it is.

Just tell me where it is.

George and I will mail it to you.

No, don’t waste the taxpayers’ money, Barbara.

Tom, would you escort Mrs. Reagan down to her limousine?

Oh, I don’t really need an escort.

- Mrs. Reagan. - No, Tom.

What kind of a hostess would I be

if I didn’t see you safely escorted down to your car?

I think I can show myself out, Barbara.

Edward. Edward, could you come in here?

Mrs. Reagan seems to be having trouble finding her way out.

No, Barbara, really. Don’t worry about me.

I can perfectly find my way out.

This was my home for so long.

You’re going to miss your appointment, Barbara.

After all, the press can be very rude when you’re late.

I know.

I know you have to run.

California’s so far away.

Don’t be a stranger.

Just write any time.

You know the address.

Give our love...

Oh, dear, her purse.

Tom, would you please return this to Mrs. Reagan?

Don’t let her out of her car.

A lot of people don’t realize that change is a two-way street.

You can come to us with 16 quarters,

eight dimes and four nickels,

we can give you a five-dollar bill.

We can give you five singles.

Or two singles, eight quarters, and ten dimes.

You’d be amazed at the variety of options you have.

I was driving through Pennsylvania on the toll way,

and to save time, I was using the exact-change lanes.

I had just run out of quarters,

and I was getting a bit nervous

when I spotted a sign for a First Citiwide branch

at the next exit.

Let me tell you, it was a pretty good feeling.

I have had people come in with wrinkled ten-dollar bills,

who want new, crisp bills to put in birthday cards.

We can handle special requests like that.

Usually the same day.

I’d just returned from a business trip to London,

and all the cash I had was a five-pound note.

Citiwide wasn’t able to convert it into dollars,

but they did give me four guineas, two crowns,

four shillings, and tenpence.

All the time, our customers ask us,

how do you make money doing this?

The answer is simple. Volume.

That’s what we do.

Oh, how nice, how nice.

Hi, everybody. Welcome to Attitudes.

- I’m Linda Dano. - And I’m Nancy Glass.

And I’m Italian.

We were out here in the studio

saying hi to people,

and we have a very interesting crowd with us today.

We’ve got folks from Chicago, Rhode Island,

Oklahoma and Austria.

- Oh, Austria. - Vie getz.

Oh, boy. Well, guys, we have got a show for you today.

We are going to see some art.

It’s true.

Art we can not only collect and appreciate, but...

BOTH: Wear and use.

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

It’s time to bring out our guest now.

This young man has made a--

Huge splash.

Ooh, big one.

On the west coast art scene,

and he’s here now to tell us all about it.

Welcome, please, Len Tukwilla.

Yeah, yeah.

Now you have become the hottest new artist

on the west coast.

Tell us what you do and how you do it.

Actually, I’m from the Pacific Northwest.

Botha, Washington.

And what are you doing out there in the art community

that’s just blowing everybody away?

I’m a driftwood sculptor.

And what is a driftwood sculptor, Len?

A driftwood sculptor is an artist...

who works organic shapes of wood

until they’re smoother and darker and shinier.

The end result is usually a bird or a whale,

but the end result can be a knotted, twisty shape.

Oh.

And then, that would be abstract art, right?

Exactly. When I look at a piece of driftwood,

I don’t just see a piece of driftwood.

I see a squirrel’s nest.

Oh!

And when you see that squirrel’s nest,

- what happens next? - What’s the process?

I... I work the wood until it is smooth,

and I oil it until it is dark.

Then I glue a small squirrel on it.

I place acorns all around the piece itself.

Fascinating, fascinating.

So an ordinary piece of wood

just explodes into a work of art.

It doesn’t explode.

It’s a very, very painstaking process.

It doesn’t just happen overnight,

unless you work on it all night long.

Let’s see the piece you brought with you.

Yes, we’re gonna look at a piece of your driftwood.

Yeah. I love the purse.

It’s not a purse, you bozo.

Oh, excuse me.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

Oh, the flowers. Get rid of the flowers.

Now that looks to me like a person, a person who’s thinking.

Yeah, it looks like Rodin’s The Thinker.

Yes. I love that artist.

And how did you get the wood sculpted into that shape?

I found it exactly like that.

Can we touch it?

We are going to touch the driftwood now.

Touching the wood.

Okay, it’s very smooth.

Smooth and dark.

It’s really smooth and dark.

Yeah, once I found a piece shaped just like a rabbit.

I was so happy.

You know, the work involved is overwhelming.

Look at this.

How much oil would you say

it took to use on a piece this size?

A lot.

Wow.

How did this driftwood odyssey begin?

Where did it start, when did it happen?

I was wading in the ocean,

and I felt something brushing against my leg.

Eww.

So I got scared, so I started going back toward the shore.

But this thing was following me.

So I started wading faster and faster,

and when I got up to the beach,

this thing was still with me.

It came right up on the shore.

It was a piece of wood.

So it drifted right up with you.

It came to you.

And that’s when I noticed that it was all over the beach.

All this wood had drifted in.

Wow.

Where does it come from?

Uh... that’s a good question.

I don’t know.

It comes from the woods, I guess.

But I’m not sure.

Well, have you ever thought of working with any other kind...

In another medium? A different medium?

No.

Now I could make a driftwood sculpture.

Something I can finally do, right?

Now, could I do that?

No, I don’t think so.

What’s next for Len Tukwilla?

Where will he be at 40? 50?

Sixty? Seventy?

How old will Len Tukwilla get?

Uh, pretty old, I think.

It’s something to think about.

Yeah. Well, something else to think about.

Tell us all the other interesting things

you’ve made out of driftwood.

Things we can use.

Well, I made driftwood hats.

Mmm!

Ear muffs.

Great.

- Shoes. - Wow.

Wine racks, mobiles.

Wow. Wow.

Back scratchers.

Len Tukwilla, driftwood artist,

dreamer, finder, seeker.

Maker of driftwood things.

- Thank you for being here. - Bless you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Oh, whoa!

Wow. That was fun.

We’ve had some kind of odyssey here, but we’ve gotta go along.

We have a great show tomorrow.

Our husbands are going to be here with us on the show.

I don’t know about that.

And Mike Dukakis will be here to show us how to make baklava.

We’ll see ya. Bye.

Hi. I’m Gary Busey.

You know, ridin’ a motorcycle is no picnic,

unless your idea of a picnic

is gettin’ whapped upside the head

with a piece of cement curb.

That’s why I urge all you bike riders

to go out and buy my new Gary Busey motorcycle helmet.

It’s comfortable, it’s good-lookin’,

and most important, it’s safe.

But if you’re like me,

maybe you want a little extra protection.

That’s why I’m also offerin’

the Gary Busey motorcycle helmet protector.

It fits on over the helmet,

and keeps your noggin as snug as a bug.

But if you don’t still feel adequately protected,

you might consider tackin’ on

the Gary Busey outer helmet protector protector,

which I cannot show you here because of its enormous size.

But however many helmets you wear,

remember, some of these new video games they have out now

can give the almost exact same sensation

as ridin’ a motorcycle,

and they’re a whole lot safer.

But even with them, I’d wear a helmet,

in case you slipped on the floor or something.

Now let’s ride.

Gary Busey motorcycle helmets,

motorcycle helmet protectors,

and outer helmet protector protectors.

From the makers of Gary Busey suits of armor.

My lord, Lady Tewksbury is here to see you.

Very well. Send her in.

Edmund. Oh, at last, we are together.

I have at long last resolved to speak my deepest secret.

Edmund, my God, I love thee.

I do so love thee.

You mock me.

Why, Edmund,

nothing could be further from the truth.

I adore you. I worship you.

You mock me.

Mock you?

Why, Edmund, how could I mock so noble and honorable a man?

A man who is so completely unworthy of mockery.

If you truly love me,

then why do you insist on mocking me so?

Away with you!

- No. - Go. Leave at once!

Very well.

But if you will not requite my love,

I will kill myself.

You mock me!

And I will not be mocked!

The insolence and bold effrontery.

She was mocking me, was she not?

Oh, yes, Your Lordship.

I was crimson with rage

at the egregious impertinence of her bold impudence.

Weren’t you, Thomas?

Oh, yes, yes. The brazen audacity of her tongue

was surpassed only by her derisive hauteur.

I thought so.

My lord, the royal artist has completed his portrait of Your Lordship.

He seeks your approval.

Show him in.

Master, I humbly present the fruit of two years’ labor.

The royal portrait!

My lord is not pleased with the portrait?

You mock me.

Your Lordship, quite the contrary.

The portrait celebrates your noble bearing.

I have put you in uniform to capture the lion heart

that beats within your heroic breast.

Will this mockery never cease?

Away with you.

If there is one thing I cannot abide,

it is being mocked. Now go!

And take your grotesque caricature with you!

I will not be mocked!

Was I wrong?

As ever, no, Your Highness.

His most contemptuous rendering was a taunt on canvas.

Would you say so, Thomas?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

The effrontery of his derisive painting

was surpassed only by his brazen gall.

Exactly.

My Lord, Nigel the groundskeeper seeks a word with you.

If he must.

Excuse me, squire. I hate to bother you.

We’ve been having some problems with poachers.

We’ve noticed 12 wild pigs missing,

and several pheasants, as well.

I would like to request a detachment of your guard

to help find the transgressors.

- You mock me. - I’m sorry, squire?

You... mock... me.

As I was saying, squire,

if we could deal with this poacher matter--

I find it most baffling that one so low

would hope to gain from mocking one so high.

Excuse me, squire. I don’t mean to talk out of turn,

but with respect to this mockery, sir,

I would imagine if anyone was mocking you,

it would be the poachers themselves.

They mock me, but not to my face.

- Now away with you! - Right away, squire.

I will not be mocked!

I grow weary.

The moon is out.

I say, the moon is out.

And yet, it is day.

The moon mocks me...

and I will not be mocked.

Yes, yes.

The crescent moon dare not show its full face

lest its lunar contempt be seen for what it is.

A brazen panoply of effrontery.

Thomas.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

The impudence of the moon’s bold audacity.

I will retire now to my chamber,

where there are only my bed and my dreams to mock me.

I will not be mocked!

- You mock me! - I will not be mocked!

( BOTH TALKING AT ONCE )

The moon is mocking me!

I will not be mocked, I will not be mocked!

Oh, sire, I do love you so.

You mock me. I will not be mocked.

( MOCKING CONTINUES )

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening. What can I tell you?

In a bizarre mix-up this week,

George Bush was inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame,

and Little Richard was sworn in

as the 41st president of the United States.

In an interesting side note,

Little Richard will act as his own first lady.

My favorite inaugural moment

was that synchronized swimming demonstration

that the Bushes did during the parade.

While all of us have seen the swearing in of President Bush,

both live at the inauguration,

and then replayed over and over again on the news,

most of us missed the swearing in of the man

next in line, so as a public service,

here is a clip of Associate Justice Sandra Day O’Connor

administering the oath of office

to now-Vice-President Dan Quayle.

If you’ll raise your right hand,

and place your left hand on the bible.

Now repeat after me.

I, James Danforth Quayle...

I, James Danforth Quayle.

Do solemnly swear to faithfully execute the office

of vice-president of the United States.

Do... I’m sorry. What?

Do solemnly swear.

Do solemnly and... swear?

Solemnly swear.

Solemnly... I’m sorry.

- Swear. - Swear.

- To. - To.

- Faith... - Faith...

- ...ful... - ...ful...

- ...ly... - ...ly...

- Ex... - Ex...

- ...e... - ...e...

- ...cute... - ...cute...

- the... - the...

- off... - off...

- ...ice... - ...ice...

- of... - of...

- the... - the...

- vice... - vice...

- pres... - pres...

I’m sorry, I had to cut it off.

He was coming up to the word "president,"

and it was gonna get real ugly there.

At Dan Quayle’s swearing in,

there was a bizarre UFO sighting.

The alien spacecraft landed on Marilyn Quayle’s head,

and stayed there for the duration of the ceremony.

What’s with that flip in Maril’s hair there?

What is that about?

Isn’t that the corporate logo

for the Ocean Spray cranberry juice company?

According to the U.S. Census Bureau,

everybody in L.A. is now the vice-president of something.

And now, here’s the man that’s responsible for

everything I’ve ever achieved in my life,

A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture.

Well, my friends, we’ve just witnessed

the most overblown inaugural celebration in history.

The coronation of George Herbert Walker Bush.

I mean, so, all right, he won already.

Does he have to keep rubbin’ it in?

I suppose he expects us all to send him presents

on his birthday, too.

I tell you, though, it was one hell of a party.

It’s hard to believe you can have so much fun

for only $30 million.

There were 11 inaugural balls.

Some people would say that’s a little excessive,

but, you know, it takes a lot of balls

to throw a $30 million celebration

before you’ve even done anything.

There were dinner parties that cost $1,500 a plate.

When you think about it,

it’s lucky the Democrats didn’t win the election,

because they couldn’t have afforded to come to the inaugural.

People actually paid $15,000 for a hotel suite

overlooking the parade.

On the other hand, you can sleep on a grate

a block from the White House for almost nothing,

but chances are, you’re not gonna get waved to.

And after all, it is the 200th anniversary

of the presidency, and that’s something to celebrate.

From George to George.

In only 200 years,

we’ve gone from "I cannot tell a lie"

to "I cannot tell."

I’ll tell you one thing, though.

Security was a lot looser at George Washington’s inaugural.

But then again,

that George had John Adams for his vice-president.

When you put all this into the big picture,

what’s $30 million these days anyway?

I figure the neighborhood crack concession

could cover the tab in a good weekend.

Anyway, as Ronald Reagan rides off into the sunset,

I’d like to wish him the best,

because there’s no one I’d rather see

live to a happy, healthy, ripe old age,

except maybe for those last few moderates

on the Supreme Court.

And that, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, Whitney.

And to all those people out there

who insist that they’ve seen Elvis,

wake up, folks. I’ve got news for you.

Elvis wasn’t alive when he was alive.

PTL preacher Jim Bakker

was asked to empty out his pockets

while going through a metal detector

at Atlanta’s Hartsfield Airport this week.

And the Pentagon this week unveiled its newest weapon,

the Stooge missile,

which can be computer-programmed to hit a target in both eyes

at a range of over 10,000 miles.

In cable news this week, Showtime unveiled

the latest Charles Bronson epic Death Wish 4.

In this one, Bronson attacks his own daughter,

hunts himself down, and commits suicide.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

Geez, I love your place, Larry.

The perfect country house.

You probably wanna be out here all the time now.

MAN: Turn into a country boy.

Yeah. We put so many miles on the car after we closed the deal.

How’s that bird lookin’, Larry?

Let’s take a look.

( ALL EXCLAIMING )

That looks good, Larry.

- Are you hungry, kids? - BOTH: Yeah.

Yeah, you played hard today, huh?

Oh, they are gonna sleep tonight.

So how old are you, Larry?

- Twenty. - 34!

( ALL SCREAMING )

Holy smokes!

What the hell was that?

I don’t know. It’s a huge bird.

Its neck is broken.

Oh, my God!

Some kind of a vulture or something.

It smacked right into the window.

What’s that, Daddy?

Jackie, you kids go inside.

Go around the front. Around the front.

Jack, do something. It looks like it broke its neck.

What do you want me to do?

Maybe it’s sick or something.

The thing just smashed right into the window.

Wendy, move that salad, would you?

LARRY: I think we should put it out of its misery.

( ALL EXCLAIMING )

Just stand back.

I can’t watch this. I can’t watch this.

I can’t either.

Larry. Larry, I don’t think the mallet thing’s gonna work.

It’s got that plastic thing on the end.

I know. I got a pellet gun in the shed.

The thing is suffering.

Put it out of its misery.

Just do something.

Here, let me have a crack at it.

( BIRD SQUAWKING )

Oh, read us something aloud from the paper

so we don’t have to hear that.

All right, how about something about quintuplets?

- Yeah. - That’s fine.

There were five children born at one time...

All right, gentlemen, if there’s no further business,

I think this concludes our cabinet meeting.

Mr. President, there is one other item on the agenda.

It seems we’re scheduled to hear a presentation

from that frontiersman. What’s his name again?

The name is Johnny.

Johnny Canal.

* There are many canals to take in life *

* And one man took them all *

* He fought with his blade and he fought with his knife *

* And he fought with his blade and his knife *

* Johnny Canal, Johnny Canal *

* Johnny Canal! *

Johnny Canal, brought to you by...

Not affiliated with the Oldsmobile motor car company.

And by the Atlantic Puppy Grinding Company.

Maybe it’s evil, but think of the jobs.

Also brought to you by...

whose generous but inexplicable contributions

have helped make this commercial network program possible.

* Johnny Canal, Johnny Canal *

* Johnny Canal! *

So, what I am proposing, gentlemen,

is a system of canals knitting together

every corner of this great land of ours.

As you can see, gentlemen,

every city, town and village,

would be connected toe very other city and town

by its own canal.

Let’s say, for example,

you wanted to get from Springfield, Illinois,

to Durham, North Carolina.

Well, you just take the Springfield to Durham canal.

Or say you had a hankerin’

to go from Brunswick, Maine,

all the way over to Valparaiso, Indiana.

Well, you take the Brunswick to Valparaiso canal.

Then, if you wanted to go back to Brunswick,

you’d take the Valparaiso-Brunswick canal,

which runs about parallel to

the Brunswick to Valparaiso canal.

The beauty of it is, you couldn’t get lost,

because each canal only goes one place.

So, what do you think?

Excuse me, Mr. Canal.

Is it your proposal that every town,

even the tiniest villages,

have literally hundreds of canals

running in and out of them?

Or more.

Well, I don’t understand.

What would be the point?

Mr. Canal!

Mr. Canal, stop! Stop this instant!

I must ask that you refrain

from knife fighting in the White House.

Now, please, continue with your presentation.

I’m dreadfully sorry, Mr. President.

I don’t know what came over me.

Mr. Canal, your plan is certainly an intriguing one,

but there are several points that you haven’t touched on.

For example, the proposed cost of this project.

How long it would take to build.

Who would maintain it once it was built?

Would these be toll canals or free?

How would the rights to the land be obtained?

By condemnation or by outright purchase?

Is there sufficient water to fill such a vast network of canals?

If not, could sea water be pumped in to augment the system?

Would the barges be steam-driven or towed by mules?

Where would the millions of workmen needed to dig these canals come from?

And how could they be fed and housed during construction?

Would the canal embankments be the property of the state or the federal government?

I think we’re all anxious to hear more of the details of your plan.

Look, do you want the canals or not?

Well, I have one very serious concern.

Most of the towns on your map are already served by

our nation’s railroads.

So what would be the point of building an expensive,

impractical, and utterly redundant system of canals?

Mr. Canal! Mr. Canal, I’m warning you!

Sorry, sir.

It won’t happen again.

Well, I guess if there are no other questions,

I guess I’ll be movin’ on.

You gentlemen can discuss my plan,

and inform me of your decision.

Actually, I do have one question before you go.

Yes, sir?

Where did you get the name Johnny Canal?

Is that your real name?

No, sir, it’s not.

It’s sort of a funny story really.

My last name is Canal.

But my first name is actually John.

Now, where they came up with Johnny,

I don’t really know.

That’s pretty funny, don’t you think?

* There are many canals to take in life *

* And one man took them all *

* He fought with his blade and he fought with his knife *

* And he fought with his blade and his knife *

* Johnny Canal, Johnny Canal *

* Johnny Canal! *

We’d like to thank you all for coming.

I’d like to say it was a great thrill for me.

I never thought I’d get to work with Jon Lovitz,

and I hope I never will again.

The man is a pig and a menace.

We’d like to very much thank Anita Baker.

I got free tickets.

And it was really, really a pleasure.

Thank you very much.