Original subtitles

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guests Little Feat.

And starring Melanie Griffith.

The thing that sets First Guardian apart

from other big banks is personal service.

That is what we offer.

At First Guardian, they have this toll-free number

that you can call to check on your Metro card account.

Well, you can imagine my surprise when they called me.

I noticed a lot of heavy activity on her Metro card,

and it concerned me.

I assured him that my card had not been stolen,

and that I was doing a little more Christmas shopping

than usual, and I thanked him for calling.

I told her that card theft was not our concern.

It was the amount she was spending.

It just seemed a little high.

I informed him that I have a large family,

and a great many friends, and reminded him

that I was within my credit limit.

It was a typical female reaction.

I suggested she could play Santa Claus

without buying items like an $80 pair of cashmere socks.

I pointed out that the cashmere socks

were a gift for my father whom I love dearly,

and that I wanted to get him something extravagant

that he could never afford himself.

I advised her that guilt-buying was no substitute for affection.

And checking her records over the past four years,

I discovered only one round-trip air fare home.

I mentioned that if she loved him so dearly,

she might spend her money on air fare

instead of cashmere socks.

I proposed that he hold it right there,

and hinted that it was my money,

and I would spend it as I pleased.

I indicated to her that she wasn’t being a bad customer,

and that we still liked having her business.

We just wanted her to learn the value of money.

I told him that all my other friends had credit cards,

and they were allowed to use them any way they wanted to.

I said I don’t care what the other banks do,

and assured her that, with a touch of one button,

I could obliterate her credit altogether,

and she wouldn’t have a merry Christmas

for a very, very long time.

It was up to her.

I weighed the options,

and we decided that I could return the socks,

and it gave me a good feeling.

It was like living with my father all over again.

When we make these calls,

people can’t believe we would get so personally involved.

I hear customers say, "I can’t believe this."

"How dare you?" Or, "It’s none of your business."

They just don’t expect this kind of personal service

from a big bank.

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening. What can I tell you?

The United States started talks with the PLO this week

as Yasser Arafat agreed to three U.S. demands.

"We tricked him," gloated Secretary of State George Shultz,

"because one of our demands

was that we get to make more demands."

And now that we’re all buddies, Yasser,

I’d like to make a demand of my own.

Shave.

Okay? You’re a world leader now, pal, not a Chia pet.

You get the feeling if he ever does shave,

we’ll find out that he’s really ex-Three’s Companystar

Norman Fell.

This week, President-elect Bush

selected Congressman Jack Kemp,

Republican of New York, as his new HUD chief.

Other rumored appointments coming up

are Utah senator Orrin Hatch

as the Cool Hand Luke chief,

and New York senator Al D’Amato

as secretary of The Hustler.

President-elect George Bush sat for

his official portrait photography this week,

and I must say, he is a rather nice-looking guy.

Vice-president-elect Dan Quayle also had his picture taken.

I guess it’s true.

He really does look like a TV star, doesn’t he?

Incidentally, Vice-president-elect Quayle

announced this week that he is planning extensive alterations

for the vice-presidential mansion in Washington.

In addition to more bedrooms for his family,

Quayle said he would like to enlarge the library

as his picture books take up much more space than regular books.

President-elect Bush chose a fellow Texan, John Tower,

for his secretary of defense Friday,

despite rumors of his alcoholism.

At a press conference following the appointment,

Tower was asked if he’s looking forward to

the next four years in Washington.

He said, "On a whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia."

And now, with a special holiday message,

here is Weekend Update’s correspondent, Victoria Jackson.

- Hi, Victoria. - Hi, Dennis.

Merry Christmas.

A Christmas Tree, by Victoria Jackson.

Okay, thank you. Thank you!

Okay, stop.

Okay, stop! Thank you.

Please stop.

Okay, the life of a Christmas tree

seems like pure glory,

but I’m in your garbage come January.

Just like a cheap floozy who’s dressed to the hilt,

I’m looked at and then thrown out when I start to wilt.

I used to be a pagan symbol, you know,

but some liberal Christians changed the theme of my show

to represent what it promised to be,

God sending His son Christ to humanity

to teach us how we can all be

peaceful, loving, forgiving and happy,

so that’s why I’m happy to stay.

Though my life’s short, I’m happy to stay...

Whoa!

Wait. I’m happy to stay your favorite symbol

of Christmas Day. Thank you!

It’s live TV.

It’s good to let them know it’s live.

I’m thinking that will be my last handstand,

’cause I’m getting really old.

Victoria Jackson.

I didn’t know she could bend like that.

According to an article in the Washington Post

by neurologist Richard Restak,

only four of our presidents have been left-handed:

Garfield, Truman, Ford and now, George Bush.

Thirty-five of our presidents have been right-handed,

and one president, Ronald Reagan,

could not tell his right from his left.

This is a photograph of 41-year-old Christer Pettersson,

who on Thursday was remanded into custody

for allegedly murdering Swedish prime minister Olof Palme

in 1986.

I think it should be legal to arrest someone

who photographs like this.

What more do you need to go on?

Bucket Man lives, Bucket Man lives!

Everybody, run for your life!

I didn’t know Bucket Man could bend like that.

Soul singer James Brown was sentenced to six years in prison on Thursday night.

As he entered prison, Brown was asked how he felt.

He said, "I feel bad. I knew that I would now."

Entertainer John Denver has requested permission

to be the first civilian to fly on the stealth bomber.

If that is not possible, then he said he would accept

a coach ticket on any Continental Airlines flight

or just to watch planes fly around on TV would be okay, too.

John, get a life.

Boat derrick.

Here we see a student encouraging her rat

to hang in there during last week’s Rat Olympics

at Nebraska Wesleyan University.

The rats compete in six events

and ironically enough, the winner of the five-yard dash

was the famous rat Ben, who was later disqualified

when it was found that he had anabolic steroids in his system.

Story sounds so familiar, doesn’t it?

Earlier this week, two youths on motorcycles

blocked a Vatican car near St. Peter’s Square

smashed the back window, and made off with a payroll

of nearly $300,000.

I can think of a lot of things that’ll get you into hell,

but stealing the pope’s Christmas check

has got to be right up there near the top, huh?

Has to gotta be...

In sports news...

I had a great joke, and I blew it.

In sports news...

In sports news this afternoon in Cincinnati,

the Washington Redskins were beaten 20-17 by the Bangles,

who clinched first place in the AFC central division.

Go, Bangles.

Now that’s a cute baby right there,

but the poor kid has no teeth.

He can only eat things that are strained, creamed,

mashed or pureed.

You know he’d like to bite into a good steak

or an ear of corn.

Well, now he can, thanks to a new product on the market,

baby dentures.

They’re called Kiddie Caps,

and they’re at your drugstore now,

just in time for baby’s first Christmas.

And as Christmastime is upon us,

I thought it would be nice to get off the news for a moment,

and perform a seasonal classic.

Helping me in this presentation

is an old friend... me.

- Hello, Dennis. - Hello, Dennis.

- How are you? - All right.

Let’s get started. ’Twas the night before Christmas,

and all through the house...

Nobody was happening, babe, not even a marsupial.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.

And I had just applied a nice dose of styling mousse

to my luxuriant hair.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds.

They knocked off early, because the film we had rented

was the Beatty thing, Reds.

My wife... that was a stretch.

Okay. Okay, babe.

My wife in her kerchief, and I in my cap...

I had just begun to take off said kerchief and cap,

if you catch my mondo Freudian drift.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter...

I called 911.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear...

But a miniature sleigh and eight airborne Yukon pack creatures.

With a little driver so lovely and quick...

You okay, babe?

I knew in a minute it was either Kato or the St. Nick dude.

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,

and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

Now, Dasher, now, Dancer,

now, Prancer, now, Vixen,

let’s move it, boys. I got a life to lead, Cha-cha.

Ha ha!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,

the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

Hey, Claus-a-tola, easy on the shingles.

I don’t need to see any Rudolph dung in my new rain gutter,

okay, babe?

He had a broad face and a little round belly.

I said, "Babe, sit-ups. Maybe a little yogurt."

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

and filled all the stockings and turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger on the side of his nose,

he split from my pad, and I freaked out.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle.

They all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim...

BOTH: As he drove into the clear,

"A merry Christmas to all, babe, and I am outta here."

Good night, everybody.

N, is that you?

Q, long time, no see.

Yeah, I can’t believe it. You look great.

Where have you been all year?

Well, I’ve been... Well, I really can’t tell you.

You know. You don’t look so bad yourself.

Still in Washington?

I’m sorry. I can’t respond to that one way or another

without leaking classified information.

- Right. - How’s your family?

Gee, I... don’t know how to answer that.

If I had one, they’re doing great.

Especially the little ones.

If they exist... they’re my pride and joy.

But I can’t really confirm or deny that.

Well, if you do have kids,

I’m glad to hear they’re all right.

Speaking from experience, enjoy ’em while you can,

because the older they get, the more trouble they become.

So you do have kids.

I might have two sons.

I really can’t reveal that information at this time.

But you, you’re doin’ good.

Did I give you that impression?

Gee, maybe I said too much.

Thanks for asking, though.

Well, I’m glad to hear it.

I mean, whatever your situation may be.

- Well, thanks. - ( TAPPING ON GLASS )

Ladies, gentlemen.

I have a very special announcement to make.

A new special operative sub-director has been appointed.

( ALL MURMURING )

Of course, for security reasons,

I cannot point he or she out right now.

I can’t even say if he’s in the room, or even nearby.

But nonetheless, I feel that a toast is in order.

To our new SOSD, wherever he may be.

ALL: Hip, hip, hooray, hip, hip, hooray,

hip, hip hooray!

Let’s open our presents now.

Compliments of the director.

Ah, surprise, surprise.

Passport cases again.

Hey, remember when they used to give us those nerve-gas pens?

Those were great.

Yeah. Oh, Ann. This is my wife, Mrs. Q.

Honey, this is N.

He’s a guy I worked with for an indeterminate time on a tough secret project.

- Hello. - Hello. Good to see you.

Q hasn’t told me a thing about you.

Oh, well, that’s very flattering.

Yeah, and usually, the less said,

the bigger the operation.

Well, what can I say?

You really can’t say anything.

- Right. - I understand.

Leave me alone, I’m all right!

I’m all right.

What are you lookin’ at?

You’re all nothin’ but a bunch of spies.

A bunch of lousy, two-faced...

tight-lipped spies.

Oh, you don’t like that word?

( DERISIVE LAUGH) Tough!

I got your names, and I got numbers.

Yeah, you. You’re, uh...

You’re Chambers.

You’re a special operative to the UN.

You work in Nicaragua, and the two of you...

( TWO MUFFLED GUNSHOTS )

Loose lips, huh?

Yeah, happens every year.

Anyone for coffee?

Yeah, that punch goes right to your head, huh?

Yeah, hey, Q, I haven’t said too much, have I?

No, no, you didn’t say anything.

I think we’ve both been very careful.

Good, good.

Well, listen, I think I’m gonna be moseying along.

Sure.

Hey, could you both do me a favor?

Can we just pretend that this conversation never took place?

Hey, I was hoping you’d do the same.

Great. That’s a load off my mind.

Hey, if you do have kids,

wish them a merry Christmas for me, will ya?

- If I do, I will. - Take care.

Gee, honey, he’s a nice man.

I’d rather not comment on that at this time.

I understand.

( INTERCOM BUZZES )

Yes, Marcy?

Mr. Walsh is here to see you, Miss Scott.

Thank you, Marcy. Send him in.

- Hi. I’m Liz Scott. - Jack Walsh.

I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.

I’ve heard a lot of great things about you down in Marketing.

Thank you, Liz. I’ve got the report right here.

Great. Why don’t we sit down and look it over?

Let me show you what I got here.

Please do.

- I hope you like it. - I’m sure I will.

Jack, what are you doing?!

What? Didn’t you want me to...?

No. What made you think that?

Well, the way you were looking at me.

When our eyes met, wasn’t that... weren’t you...?

Oh, I am so embarrassed.

Liz, I am so sorry.

God! I don’t know what to say, Liz.

I feel horrible.

I feel like a fool.

Jack, it’s all right.

I mean, I’m sorry if I was misleading.

Why don’t we just forget about it, and finish this report?

- Okay? - Absolutely. I agree.

Let’s just get on with it.

Okay.

I’d like you to take a look at these profit margin graphs.

I think that...

What do you think?

Your numbers are right on target.

Jack!! God, what is wrong with you?!

Don’t tell me that wasn’t a signal.

Oh, God, you mean, that target thing

- wasn’t leading up to some... - No.

Liz, I swear, I thought you were leading up to something here.

I am way out of it.

I’m sorry, Liz.

I’m very, very sorry.

Well, you should be, and I think that you should leave now.

Liz, I can imagine how I must look.

I hope you don’t think I’m some kind of a sexist or something,

because I’m not.

I’m, like, the original feminist.

I just don’t know how you could’ve assumed--

You’re exactly right. I assumed.

Sometimes, I just assume too much.

I just completely misread you, Liz.

I was way off base.

I was way outta line.

I’m sorry.

Let’s just finish the report, okay?

I mean, it’s due by 3:00, and this is getting ridiculous.

- Please. - All right.

Okay. Um, here’s how I thought we could recapitalize--

Jack!!

Now wait a minute. This time, it wasn’t me.

You did say recapitalize, didn’t you?

Yeah. So? That doesn’t mean come on to me.

- It doesn’t? - No.

Look, Liz, I don’t wanna stand here and argue with you.

Let’s look it up in the dictionary, okay,

’cause that’s the only fair way.

Otherwise, I’m goin’ crazy here.

Okay, recapitalize.

"To replace equity with debt in a company’s financial structure."

- I stand to be corrected. - Yes.

I was dead wrong, Liz.

I thought it meant...

No.

I guess I’ve been misusing that word.

I think so.

Please, please, forgive me, Liz.

This is just so ironic that I, of all people,

should misinterpret you like this,

because I am so sensitive about these kind of things.

If anything, I’m over-sensitive.

Listen, don’t bother to explain.

Just listen to me.

We are going to finish the report,

and then, you are going to leave, okay?

( SIGHS HEAVILY )

Jack! All right, that’s it.

I’m calling security.

Security? Liz, what about that love sigh?

What did that mean? To me, that said,

"Hug me, kiss me, I need you."

Liz, I am really getting some foreign vibes here.

I... oh!

I don’t know what to say, Liz. I feel like an idiot.

Someone call security?

Would you please escort Mr. Walsh out?

Mr. Walsh, would you like to accompany me?

Accompany you?

Sorry, pal. Save your come-on lines

for your pretty boys down at the Surf Bar, okay?

You’re barkin’ up the wrong tree, buddy.

Let’s go.

( SINGING OFF-KEY )

* ... Halls with boughs of holly *

( GRUNTING )

* Fa... la... la... *

* ’Tis the season be jolly *

* Fa... la... la... *

* La... la... *

* Now gay apparel *

( GRUNTS )

* Fa... la... la... *

* Ancient yuletide carol *

* Fa... la... la... *

* La... la... *

Okay, good-bye, everybody.

I had a wonderful time. I love these people so much.

And this man, too, very much.

And merry Christmas!!