All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E09.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring G.E. Smith and
the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guests
Little Feat.

And starring
Melanie Griffith.

The thing that sets
First Guardian apart

from other big banks
is personal service.

That is what we offer.

At First Guardian,
they have this toll-free number

that you can call to check on
your Metro card account.

Well, you can imagine
my surprise when they called me.

I noticed a lot of heavy
activity on her Metro card,

and it concerned me.

I assured him that my card
had not been stolen,

and that I was doing
a little more Christmas shopping

than usual, and I thanked him
for calling.

I told her that card theft
was not our concern.

It was the amount
she was spending.

It just seemed
a little high.

I informed him that
I have a large family,

and a great many friends,
and reminded him

that I was within
my credit limit.

It was a typical
female reaction.

I suggested she could
play Santa Claus

without buying items like
an $80 pair of cashmere socks.

I pointed out that
the cashmere socks

were a gift for my father
whom I love dearly,

and that I wanted to get him
something extravagant

that he could never
afford himself.

I advised her that guilt-buying
was no substitute for affection.

And checking her records
over the past four years,

I discovered only one
round-trip air fare home.

I mentioned that if
she loved him so dearly,

she might spend her money
on air fare

instead of cashmere socks.

I proposed that
he hold it right there,

and hinted that
it was my money,

and I would spend it
as I pleased.

I indicated to her that she
wasn’t being a bad customer,

and that we still liked
having her business.

We just wanted her to learn
the value of money.

I told him that all my other
friends had credit cards,

and they were allowed to use
them any way they wanted to.

I said I don’t care
what the other banks do,

and assured her that,
with a touch of one button,

I could obliterate
her credit altogether,

and she wouldn’t have
a merry Christmas

for a very, very
long time.

It was up to her.

I weighed the options,

and we decided that
I could return the socks,

and it gave me
a good feeling.

It was like living with
my father all over again.

When we make these calls,

people can’t believe we would
get so personally involved.

I hear customers say,
"I can’t believe this."

"How dare you?" Or,
"It’s none of your business."

They just don’t expect
this kind of personal service

from a big bank.

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening.
What can I tell you?

The United States started
talks with the PLO this week

as Yasser Arafat agreed to
three U.S. demands.

"We tricked him,"
gloated Secretary
of State George Shultz,

"because
one of our demands

was that we get
to make more demands."

And now that we’re all
buddies, Yasser,

I’d like to make
a demand of my own.

Shave.

Okay? You’re a world leader
now, pal, not a Chia pet.

You get the feeling
if he ever does shave,

we’ll find out that he’s
really ex-Three’s Companystar

Norman Fell.

This week,
President-elect Bush

selected
Congressman Jack Kemp,

Republican of New York,
as his new HUD chief.

Other rumored appointments
coming up

are Utah senator
Orrin Hatch

as the Cool Hand Luke
chief,

and New York senator
Al D’Amato

as secretary of
The Hustler.

President-elect
George Bush sat for

his official portrait
photography this week,

and I must say, he is
a rather nice-looking guy.

Vice-president-elect Dan Quayle
also had his picture taken.

I guess it’s true.

He really does look like
a TV star, doesn’t he?

Incidentally,
Vice-president-elect Quayle

announced this week that he is
planning extensive alterations

for the vice-presidential
mansion in Washington.

In addition to
more bedrooms for his family,

Quayle said he would like
to enlarge the library

as his picture books
take up much more space
than regular books.

President-elect Bush chose
a fellow Texan, John Tower,

for his secretary
of defense Friday,

despite rumors of
his alcoholism.

At a press conference
following the appointment,

Tower was asked if he’s
looking forward to

the next four years
in Washington.

He said, "On a whole,
I’d rather be in Philadelphia."

And now, with a special
holiday message,

here is Weekend Update’s
correspondent, Victoria Jackson.

- Hi, Victoria.
- Hi, Dennis.

Merry Christmas.

A Christmas Tree,
by Victoria Jackson.

Okay, thank you.
Thank you!

Okay, stop.

Okay, stop!
Thank you.

Please stop.

Okay, the life of
a Christmas tree

seems like pure glory,

but I’m in your garbage
come January.

Just like a cheap floozy
who’s dressed to the hilt,

I’m looked at
and then thrown out
when I start to wilt.

I used to be
a pagan symbol, you know,

but some liberal Christians
changed the theme of my show

to represent what it
promised to be,

God sending His son Christ
to humanity

to teach us how
we can all be

peaceful, loving,
forgiving and happy,

so that’s why
I’m happy to stay.

Though my life’s short,
I’m happy to stay...

Whoa!

Wait. I’m happy to stay
your favorite symbol

of Christmas Day.
Thank you!

It’s live TV.

It’s good to let them
know it’s live.

I’m thinking that will be
my last handstand,

’cause I’m getting
really old.

Victoria Jackson.

I didn’t know
she could bend like that.

According to an article
in the Washington Post

by neurologist
Richard Restak,

only four of our presidents
have been left-handed:

Garfield, Truman,
Ford and now, George Bush.

Thirty-five of our presidents
have been right-handed,

and one president,
Ronald Reagan,

could not tell
his right from his left.

This is a photograph of
41-year-old Christer Pettersson,

who on Thursday
was remanded into custody

for allegedly murdering Swedish
prime minister Olof Palme

in 1986.

I think it should be legal
to arrest someone

who photographs like this.

What more do you need
to go on?

Bucket Man lives,
Bucket Man lives!

Everybody,
run for your life!

I didn’t know Bucket Man
could bend like that.

Soul singer James Brown
was sentenced to six years
in prison on Thursday night.

As he entered prison,
Brown was asked how he felt.

He said, "I feel bad.
I knew that I would now."

Entertainer John Denver
has requested permission

to be the first civilian
to fly on the stealth bomber.

If that is not possible,
then he said he would accept

a coach ticket on
any Continental Airlines flight

or just to watch planes fly
around on TV would be okay, too.

John, get a life.

Boat derrick.

Here we see a student
encouraging her rat

to hang in there during
last week’s Rat Olympics

at Nebraska Wesleyan
University.

The rats compete
in six events

and ironically enough,
the winner of the five-yard dash

was the famous rat Ben,
who was later disqualified

when it was found that he had
anabolic steroids in his system.

Story sounds
so familiar, doesn’t it?

Earlier this week,
two youths on motorcycles

blocked a Vatican car
near St. Peter’s Square

smashed the back window,
and made off with a payroll

of nearly $300,000.

I can think of a lot of things
that’ll get you into hell,

but stealing the pope’s
Christmas check

has got to be right up there
near the top, huh?

Has to gotta be...

In sports news...

I had a great joke,
and I blew it.

In sports news...

In sports news this afternoon
in Cincinnati,

the Washington Redskins were
beaten 20-17 by the Bangles,

who clinched first place
in the AFC central division.

Go, Bangles.

Now that’s a cute baby
right there,

but the poor kid
has no teeth.

He can only eat things
that are strained, creamed,

mashed or pureed.

You know he’d like to
bite into a good steak

or an ear of corn.

Well, now he can, thanks to
a new product on the market,

baby dentures.

They’re called Kiddie Caps,

and they’re at
your drugstore now,

just in time for
baby’s first Christmas.

And as Christmastime
is upon us,

I thought it would be nice to
get off the news for a moment,

and perform
a seasonal classic.

Helping me in
this presentation

is an old friend... me.

- Hello, Dennis.
- Hello, Dennis.

- How are you?
- All right.

Let’s get started.
’Twas the night
before Christmas,

and all through
the house...

Nobody was happening, babe,
not even a marsupial.

The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care.

And I had just
applied a nice dose
of styling mousse

to my luxuriant hair.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds.

They knocked off early,
because the film
we had rented

was the Beatty
thing, Reds.

My wife...
that was a stretch.

Okay. Okay, babe.

My wife in her kerchief,
and I in my cap...

I had just begun
to take off said
kerchief and cap,

if you catch my mondo
Freudian drift.

When out on the lawn,
there arose such a clatter...

I called 911.

When what to my wondering
eyes should appear...

But a miniature sleigh
and eight airborne
Yukon pack creatures.

With a little driver
so lovely and quick...

You okay, babe?

I knew in a minute
it was either Kato
or the St. Nick dude.

More rapid than eagles,
his coursers they came,

and he whistled
and shouted and
called them by name.

Now, Dasher,
now, Dancer,

now, Prancer,
now, Vixen,

let’s move it, boys.
I got a life
to lead, Cha-cha.

Ha ha!

And then,
in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof,

the prancing and pawing
of each little hoof.

Hey, Claus-a-tola,
easy on the shingles.

I don’t need to see
any Rudolph dung in
my new rain gutter,

okay, babe?

He had a broad face
and a little round belly.

I said, "Babe, sit-ups.
Maybe a little yogurt."

He spoke not a word,
but went straight to
his work,

and filled all the stockings
and turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger
on the side of his nose,

he split from my pad,
and I freaked out.

He sprang to his sleigh,
to his team gave a whistle.

They all flew like
the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim...

BOTH: As he drove
into the clear,

"A merry Christmas to all,
babe, and I am outta here."

Good night, everybody.

N, is that you?

Q, long time, no see.

Yeah, I can’t believe it.
You look great.

Where have you
been all year?

Well, I’ve been...
Well, I really
can’t tell you.

You know. You don’t
look so bad yourself.

Still in Washington?

I’m sorry. I can’t
respond to that one
way or another

without leaking
classified information.

- Right.
- How’s your family?

Gee, I... don’t know
how to answer that.

If I had one,
they’re doing great.

Especially the little ones.

If they exist...
they’re my pride and joy.

But I can’t really
confirm or deny that.

Well, if you do
have kids,

I’m glad to hear
they’re all right.

Speaking from experience,
enjoy ’em while you can,

because the older
they get, the more
trouble they become.

So you do have kids.

I might have two sons.

I really can’t reveal
that information
at this time.

But you,
you’re doin’ good.

Did I give you
that impression?

Gee, maybe I said
too much.

Thanks for asking,
though.

Well, I’m
glad to hear it.

I mean, whatever
your situation may be.

- Well, thanks.
- ( TAPPING ON GLASS )

Ladies, gentlemen.

I have a very
special announcement to make.

A new special operative
sub-director has been appointed.

( ALL MURMURING )

Of course, for
security reasons,

I cannot point
he or she out right now.

I can’t even say
if he’s in the room,
or even nearby.

But nonetheless,
I feel that a toast
is in order.

To our new SOSD,
wherever he may be.

ALL: Hip, hip, hooray,
hip, hip, hooray,

hip, hip hooray!

Let’s open
our presents now.

Compliments of the director.

Ah, surprise, surprise.

Passport cases again.

Hey, remember when
they used to give us
those nerve-gas pens?

Those were great.

Yeah. Oh, Ann.
This is my wife,
Mrs. Q.

Honey, this is N.

He’s a guy I worked with
for an indeterminate time
on a tough secret project.

- Hello.
- Hello.
Good to see you.

Q hasn’t told me
a thing about you.

Oh, well, that’s
very flattering.

Yeah, and usually,
the less said,

the bigger
the operation.

Well, what can I say?

You really
can’t say anything.

- Right.
- I understand.

Leave me alone,
I’m all right!

I’m all right.

What are you lookin’ at?

You’re all nothin’ but
a bunch of spies.

A bunch of lousy,
two-faced...

tight-lipped spies.

Oh, you don’t
like that word?

( DERISIVE LAUGH)
Tough!

I got your names,
and I got numbers.

Yeah, you.
You’re, uh...

You’re Chambers.

You’re a special
operative to the UN.

You work in Nicaragua,
and the two of you...

( TWO MUFFLED
GUNSHOTS )

Loose lips, huh?

Yeah, happens
every year.

Anyone for coffee?

Yeah, that punch goes
right to your head, huh?

Yeah, hey, Q, I haven’t
said too much, have I?

No, no, you didn’t
say anything.

I think we’ve both
been very careful.

Good, good.

Well, listen, I think
I’m gonna be moseying along.

Sure.

Hey, could you both
do me a favor?

Can we just pretend that this
conversation never took place?

Hey, I was hoping
you’d do the same.

Great. That’s a load
off my mind.

Hey, if you do
have kids,

wish them a merry Christmas
for me, will ya?

- If I do, I will.
- Take care.

Gee, honey,
he’s a nice man.

I’d rather not
comment on that
at this time.

I understand.

( INTERCOM BUZZES )

Yes, Marcy?

Mr. Walsh is here
to see you, Miss Scott.

Thank you, Marcy.
Send him in.

- Hi. I’m Liz Scott.
- Jack Walsh.

I’ve been looking forward
to meeting you.

I’ve heard a lot of
great things about you
down in Marketing.

Thank you, Liz.
I’ve got the report
right here.

Great. Why don’t we
sit down and look it over?

Let me show you
what I got here.

Please do.

- I hope you like it.
- I’m sure I will.

Jack, what are
you doing?!

What? Didn’t you
want me to...?

No. What made you
think that?

Well, the way you
were looking at me.

When our eyes met,
wasn’t that...
weren’t you...?

Oh, I am so embarrassed.

Liz, I am so sorry.

God! I don’t know
what to say, Liz.

I feel horrible.

I feel like a fool.

Jack, it’s all right.

I mean, I’m sorry
if I was misleading.

Why don’t we just
forget about it,
and finish this report?

- Okay?
- Absolutely.
I agree.

Let’s just
get on with it.

Okay.

I’d like you to take
a look at these
profit margin graphs.

I think that...

What do you think?

Your numbers are
right on target.

Jack!! God,
what is wrong with you?!

Don’t tell me
that wasn’t a signal.

Oh, God, you mean,
that target thing

- wasn’t leading up
to some...
- No.

Liz, I swear, I thought
you were leading up
to something here.

I am way out of it.

I’m sorry, Liz.

I’m very, very sorry.

Well, you should be,
and I think that you
should leave now.

Liz, I can imagine
how I must look.

I hope you don’t think
I’m some kind of
a sexist or something,

because I’m not.

I’m, like,
the original feminist.

I just don’t know
how you could’ve assumed--

You’re exactly right.
I assumed.

Sometimes, I just
assume too much.

I just completely
misread you, Liz.

I was way off base.

I was way outta line.

I’m sorry.

Let’s just finish
the report, okay?

I mean, it’s due
by 3:00, and this
is getting ridiculous.

- Please.
- All right.

Okay. Um, here’s how
I thought we could
recapitalize--

Jack!!

Now wait a minute.
This time, it wasn’t me.

You did say recapitalize,
didn’t you?

Yeah. So?
That doesn’t mean
come on to me.

- It doesn’t?
- No.

Look, Liz, I don’t wanna
stand here and argue with you.

Let’s look it up
in the dictionary, okay,

’cause that’s
the only fair way.

Otherwise, I’m
goin’ crazy here.

Okay, recapitalize.

"To replace equity with
debt in a company’s
financial structure."

- I stand to
be corrected.
- Yes.

I was dead wrong, Liz.

I thought it meant...

No.

I guess I’ve been
misusing that word.

I think so.

Please, please,
forgive me, Liz.

This is just so ironic
that I, of all people,

should misinterpret
you like this,

because I am so sensitive
about these kind of things.

If anything,
I’m over-sensitive.

Listen, don’t
bother to explain.

Just listen to me.

We are going
to finish the report,

and then, you are
going to leave, okay?

( SIGHS HEAVILY )

Jack! All right,
that’s it.

I’m calling
security.

Security? Liz, what about
that love sigh?

What did that mean?
To me, that said,

"Hug me, kiss me,
I need you."

Liz, I am really getting
some foreign vibes here.

I... oh!

I don’t know
what to say, Liz.
I feel like an idiot.

Someone call security?

Would you please escort
Mr. Walsh out?

Mr. Walsh, would you
like to accompany me?

Accompany you?

Sorry, pal.
Save your come-on lines

for your pretty boys
down at the Surf Bar, okay?

You’re barkin’ up
the wrong tree, buddy.

Let’s go.

( SINGING OFF-KEY )

* ... Halls with
boughs of holly *

( GRUNTING )

* Fa... la... la... *

* ’Tis the season
be jolly *

* Fa... la... la... *

* La... la... *

* Now gay apparel *

( GRUNTS )

* Fa... la... la... *

* Ancient yuletide carol *

* Fa... la... la... *

* La... la... *

Okay, good-bye, everybody.

I had a wonderful time.
I love these people so much.

And this man, too,
very much.

And merry Christmas!!