All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E08.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

Will you need
anything else, Mr. Trump?

No, that will
be all, Andrew.

Ivana, is it just me,

or did that party tonight
seem pointless?

Oh, Donald, I know
just what you mean.

I thought it was me.

Here. Let’s have
a glass of champagne

in front of
the Monet, huh?

Is this
the Dom Perignon?

Yes.

Is this
the Baccarat crystal?

Yes.

- Tastes flat.
- I know.

I’ll tell you
something, Donald.

This year, Christmas
seems flat to me.

I went down to
the lobby of our
Trump Tower this morning,

and stood among
all the brass and glitter,

and felt empty.

I tried to snap out of it
by decorating the tree.

I went to Tiffany’s
and bought diamonds by the yard

for a garland.

But even though
they made it sparkle,

the light they give
seemed cold.

So I bought
a bunch of pearls, too.

Do you like them?

Where’d you get the pearls,
Cartier or Buccellati?

- Cartier.
- Buccellati’s better.

You’re right.

Penny for your
thoughts, Donald.

Ah, right now,
I was thinking

you’re wearing
more on your back

than most people
make in a year.
Isn’t that weird?

You’re tired.

And I’m bored.

Hey, you know what
would make us feel better?

Let’s exchange our gifts
right now, okay?

Sure. That would be nice.

Okay. I feel
better already.

( BELLS TINKLING )

I just hope
you like it, honey.

Oh, Vincent, please get
my present for Mr. Trump.

And get my present
for Mrs. Trump, Andrew.

Ooh, this is
so exciting.

Darling, don’t worry.
We’ll be okay.

I hope so.

Oh! Oh, darling!

You put yours in
a mink pouch, too.

Go ahead.
Open it.

Oh, Donald!

What a beautiful door.
Where did you find it?

Well, I was in Florence
on business,

and I went past
this cathedral,

and noticed
this great door,
so I inquired,

and they said
it wasn’t for sale,

that it was carved
in the 15th century,
et cetera, et cetera,

which is just code for
"it’s gonna cost ya."

Of course.

But I knew that,
like everything,
it was for sale,

and so, for
a certain price,
I bought it,

had it dipped
in gold and covered
with precious jewels,

for your beloved mansion
Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach.

For Mar-A-Lago.

See what
the diamonds spell?

Trump! Oh, darling.

Trump.

Darling, open
yours, okay?
Open, open.

I’m excited.

Look, I bought you
a solid gold anchor

encrusted in jewels
for your beloved yacht,
The Princess.

Oh, Ivana,
it’s gorgeous.

( WEEPS )

Darling, why are
you crying?

Oh, Donald, I...

I sold the mansion
to buy the solid gold anchor.

And I sold my yacht
to buy the jewel-encrusted door.

Don’t worry, Ivana.

I don’t need the yacht.
Not now, anyway.

I sold it at
the peak of the market

for luxury boats.

It’s all gonna
crash by the summer.

I’ll buy it back
from a desperate seller

for half of
what it’s worth.

I saw the same cycle
coming in Florida
real estate.

Next year, I’ll re-buy
the house at a steal.

I love this time of year.

Merry Christmas, Donald.

BOTH: Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Musical guest
Bobby McFerrin.

And starring
Kevin Kline.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kevin Kline.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Whoo! I have always
wanted to do that.

’Cause they are
the best band! Thank you!

You know...

A lot of the work
that I’ve done in New York

has been in
the theater.

Especially for the New York
Shakespeare festival.

Did a lot of Shakespeare.

I did Hamlet,
I did Henry V,

Much Ado About Nothing,
Richard III,

just to name a few.
Thank you.

See, everybody goes
and sees it. It’s great.

That’s why it’s
such a special honor

for me
to be here tonight,

walking on these,
the same boards

that have been trod by
the greatest Shakespearean actor

to ever grace
the television stage,

Master Thespian.

If only
he could be here now,

tonight, to see me in this,
my moment of greatest glory.

Tis I,
Master Thespian!

What an honor.

Don’t be silly.
The honor is mine.

Master Thespian,
I... I...

I’ll never forget the day
I decided to become an actor.

I’m so nervous
being next to you.

I was in London
when I was ten years old

with my parents.

They took me to see
this production,

kind of unique,
as I recall,

that you did
of Hamlet.

Ah, yes.
The Melancholy Jew.

Remember...

"To be or not to be.
Oy, what a question!"

"Whether it is nobler
to suffer the slings and arrows

"of outrageous fortune,

or to go home
and hear my mother whine."

- Brilliant.
- Acting.

- Genius.
- Thank you.

Are you hurt?

Do we say... acting!

Gen... not bad.

Oh, Mister...

- Line.
- Kline.

No, no. Line.

- Kline.
- Yes, I know.

Oh, Mr. Kline Line.

You have a chance
to achieve greatness tonight.

You have
a wonderful script,

a brilliant ensemble
of players,

and if all else fails,
you have Bobby McFerrin.

There’s no question
in my mind.

You’ll be
the hit of the season.

Do you really
think so?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

You can make history.
Yeah, that’s it.

Yeah, well,
I gotta go.

I gotta go back
to London.

Yeah, that’s it.
I’m fading away.

Oh, look, look.
There I go.

Yeah, I’m in
London now.
Yeah, that’s it.

We’ll be right back.
Stick around.

And now,
Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you, thank you.

Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

It was obviously
a horrible week

for Soviet leader
Mikhail Gorbachev.

One can only wonder
what went through his mind

as he looked at
the crumbled buildings,

the homeless, and the ruins
of a once-proud city,

but we’ll never know,
because he had to hop on a plane

and fly to Armenia.

The disaster in Armenia
this week

put off a potential meeting
between Gorbachev

and American entrepreneur
Donald Trump,

a much-awaited meeting
between a Bolshevik

and a Bolshevik artist.

Premier Mikhail Gorbachev’s
speech at the UN this week

was widely hailed by world
leaders as a visionary one,

and was even described by
some English-speaking delegates

as "Kennedy-esque."

Here’s a clip
from that speech.

( SPEAKING RUSSIAN )

JOHN KENNEDY’S VOICE:
In the last few years,

the entire world
can breathe a sigh of relief,

thanks to changes
for the better

in the relationship
between Moscow and Washington.

And ironically,
the French translator

sounded just like
Charles De Gaulle.

It somehow reminded him of
the great statesman De Gaulle.

This is the new
prime minister of Pakistan,

Benazir Bhutto.

Ms. Bhutto, formerly of
the Casablanca modeling agency

in New York, where she worked
under the name Tawny Bhutto,

was asked why
she wanted to become
prime minister of Pakistan.

She said, " It was either this
or date Stallone.

I chose this."

And in Pretoria, South Africa,
this week,

the dyslexic Nazi Party
marched in support of apartheid.

And earlier this week,
the pope’s new airplane

kissed the ground
at Rome’s airport.

I’m tellin’ you,
maybe she’s afraid of losing him

now that he’s president,

but Barbara Bush has been
looking just great lately.

And now, a new feature
on Weekend Update.

Death Watch. Tonight,
we focus on Hirohito,

the emperor of Japan
for most of the 20th century,

including World War II.

The 87-year-old ruler
has been hovering

between life and death
for several months now.

So let’s go live to Tokyo
and Death Watch roving reporter

George Burns. George?

Thank you, Dennis.

I’m here outside
Emperor Hirohito’s
hospital room

where he’s been slipping
in and out of a coma.

Yesterday, he lapsed into
consciousness

while I was eating from
his-his-his fruit basket.

And I said, Emperor, I hope
you take this as a compliment,

but this reminds me of when
Groucho was dying.

I was there, you know,
at Cedars-Sinai

with Jack Benny
and Phil Silvers

and Cary Grant,
God rest their souls.

And I said, Emperor,
we’ve got a lot in common.

We’ve both outlived
all our friends.

What do you say we strike up
a special friendship?

Then he said something
in Japanese,

and lapsed into a coma.

Well, thank you.
Thank you, George.

- Back to you, Dennis.
- Thank you, buddy.

We’ll be checking with
George periodically

as Death Watch
continues its coverage

of Emperor Hirohito’s
incredibly drawn-out death.

President and Mrs. Reagan
sneaked away from

a Los Angeles hotel to view
their prospective new home

in Bel Air this week.

Mrs. Reagan, who sat with
the driver, told Mr. Reagan

to get in the backseat
and lie down.

The trip went unnoticed
until the president sat up

put his nose out the window,
and let the wind blow
his ears back.

* Arafat, Arafat,
my favorite Arafat *

* Arafat *

Nabisco has
a hot new product--

Teddy Grahams,
tiny bite-sized graham cookies

shaped like
little tiny teddy bears.

The product has prompted
picketing

at the Nabisco plant
in Wisconsin

by animal cracker rights
activist groups.

The Del Monte people this week
joined the H.J. Heinz company

and stopped using the word
catsup, C-A-T-S-U-P,

and started using
the more accepted word ketchup,

spelled K-E-T-C-H-U-P.

The decision
had a ripple effect,

especially on Broadway,

where the Andrew Lloyd Webber
play Catsfollowed suit.

Here’s this weekend’s
Weekend UpdateSports Corner.

Let’s go to
the videotape.

That was one hell of a strike,
wasn’t it?

Inexplicably, Indiana basketball
coach Bobby Knight

began to apply vertical CPR
to one of his players this week,

in a game against
Louisville.

Knight recently accused
his team of choking,

but from the looks of
that gut on Bob,

nothin’ get stuck
halfway down his throat.

Here’s a Weekend Update
Christmas shopping tip.

Hey, mothers, don’t waste
money this year

on those unneeded
Chipmunk Christmas albums.

Just take any Christmas album
you have,

move it up from
33 to 78,

and you save yourself
the eight bucks.

And now, here once again
is my mentor,

and the very person that is
responsible for my being,

A. Whitney Brown
with The Big Picture.

Well, New York hosted
Premier Gorbachev this week,

and he was amazed by
our hospitality.

I think the real clincher
was the fact

that every time
he stopped his limo,

somebody would rush up
and try to wash his windshield.

I saw his speech
at the United Nations,

and I have to say,
it was more entertaining

than the presidential
debates.

But I guess it helps
to have a translator.

It sounded a lot like
a familiar campaign speech.

"This cold war
is not about ideology.

It’s about competence."

Talk about a tired old
leftist cliché.

Actually, it was a speech
a lot about money,

or rather, about rubles.

There’s a big difference
between the two,

and that’s his problem.

You see, rubles are not
even considered money

by most of the world.

If you think it’s hard
to get rid of Canadian quarters,

you oughta try
holding kopeks.

Of course, one of his
visionary proposals

was the forgiveness
of third-world debt.

The industrial superpowers
should just write off

all those loans
to the debtor nations.

Fine for him to say,
but I seriously doubt

if the Japanese would ever
let us off the hook.

These troop reductions
are a great thing.

He’s gonna take ten percent
of his forces

out of Eastern Europe.

Wow! It’s not like
tearing down the Berlin wall,

but on top of that,

he’s also gonna take 90% of
the troops out of Mongolia.

That’s something
we can all rejoice in.

Because I, for one,
have always felt

"Eich bin un Mongol."

All in all,
it was a great speech.

It’s just too bad
Arafat wasn’t there

to warm up for him.
He’s a great opening act,

and the UN can be
a real tough room.

And that, my friends,
is The Big Picture.

Thank you,
Whitney Brown.

According to
gossip columnist Suzy,

an attendee at this week’s
ladies lunch

given in the honor of
Raisa Gorbachev,

the event was
a big success.

"Things got off
a little slowly," said Suzy.

"We were a little scared
about how Nancy and Raisa

"would act
towards each other.

"But once the stripper-gram
arrived,

we were all speakin’
the same language."

Well, Jim Bakker
was in the news again this week.

A former Bakker colleague,
preacher John Wesley Fletcher,

says he had sex
with Jim Bakker three times.

I never thought
I’d hear myself say this,

but I gotta think
Jimmy did the right thing.

Looks like Buffy’s doll
Mrs. Beasley,

with a Maybelline
addiction or something.

Santa had a real tough case
on his hands this week

when Vice-President-elect
Dan Quayle

asked for something to do,
and Santa had to say no.

This week, New York’s
La Guardia Airport

announced plans to begin
streamlining its operation

to make itself
more competitive

with the state-of-the-art
JFK Airport.

Listen, La Guardia,
I know JFK.

I’ve flown out of JFK.

La Guardia,
you’re no JFK.

More drug problems
in the NFL last week

as Miami Dolphins superstar
wide receiver Mark Duper

was suspended when officials
discovered foreign substances,

or more precisely,
those two Alaskan gray whales,

turned up in
his urine sample.

Well, guess what, folks?
That’s the news,

and I... oh, I almost forgot.
I had a big thrill this week.

I had my first
"I’m outta here" exhibit

at the Wendell galleries
on Manhattan’s 59th Street.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

( TV PLAYING LOUDLY )

Hon, do you mind
if I turn this down?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Thanks.

So what about tonight?

A movie or what?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )
Nothing good.

Well, uh,
wanna stay in?

We could cook.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Why not?

I’d rather go out.

Okay. Well, where?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

- Italian?
- ( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

- Japanese?
- ( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

- Mexican?
- Okay.

Okay, good.

So what do you have
planned for today?

Shopping.

Then lunch.

Mm-hmm. With whom?

Nancy.

How is she?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I forgot to mention.

The window cleaners called.

They said they wanted
to come by on Monday.
Is that good for you?

- ( BLOWS RASPBERRY )
- Great.

Good. That’s
what I told them.

Good breakfast, honey.

Thanks.

So after lunch,
then what?

Come home,
hang around.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Have an affair.

Uh-huh.

Is there
any more coffee?

- ( BLOWS RASPBERRY )
- Hmm?

- ( BLOWS RASPBERRY )
- Oh.

So, uh...

what about Christmas?

Should we visit
my parents or what?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

I agree.

So we’ll go to Aspen.

- Yes?
- ( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

I’ll teach you
to ski.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

You’ll love it.
It’s great.

( PHONE RINGS )

Hello.

Yeah.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )
How are you?

Yeah. Just a minute.

Yeah?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Around 10:00.

Okay, good. All right.
Yeah, bye.

Well, I better go.

Bye.

You love me?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

I love you.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

I do!

You do?

And how.

Hmmm.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Well, that’s it, ladies
and gentlemen, for this week.

It’s been amazing.

I want to thank you all.

I want to thank
this incredibly talented cast.

The amazing
Bobby McFerrin.

This great company
of actors!

Brilliant, wonderfully
supportive people.

It’s been great.

Go see silly movie.
My Stepmother Is An Alien.

There’s a movie I’m in
called The January Man.

You can tune in whenever.