Original subtitles

Will you need anything else, Mr. Trump?

No, that will be all, Andrew.

Ivana, is it just me,

or did that party tonight seem pointless?

Oh, Donald, I know just what you mean.

I thought it was me.

Here. Let’s have a glass of champagne

in front of the Monet, huh?

Is this the Dom Perignon?

Yes.

Is this the Baccarat crystal?

Yes.

- Tastes flat. - I know.

I’ll tell you something, Donald.

This year, Christmas seems flat to me.

I went down to the lobby of our Trump Tower this morning,

and stood among all the brass and glitter,

and felt empty.

I tried to snap out of it by decorating the tree.

I went to Tiffany’s and bought diamonds by the yard

for a garland.

But even though they made it sparkle,

the light they give seemed cold.

So I bought a bunch of pearls, too.

Do you like them?

Where’d you get the pearls, Cartier or Buccellati?

- Cartier. - Buccellati’s better.

You’re right.

Penny for your thoughts, Donald.

Ah, right now, I was thinking

you’re wearing more on your back

than most people make in a year. Isn’t that weird?

You’re tired.

And I’m bored.

Hey, you know what would make us feel better?

Let’s exchange our gifts right now, okay?

Sure. That would be nice.

Okay. I feel better already.

( BELLS TINKLING )

I just hope you like it, honey.

Oh, Vincent, please get my present for Mr. Trump.

And get my present for Mrs. Trump, Andrew.

Ooh, this is so exciting.

Darling, don’t worry. We’ll be okay.

I hope so.

Oh! Oh, darling!

You put yours in a mink pouch, too.

Go ahead. Open it.

Oh, Donald!

What a beautiful door. Where did you find it?

Well, I was in Florence on business,

and I went past this cathedral,

and noticed this great door, so I inquired,

and they said it wasn’t for sale,

that it was carved in the 15th century, et cetera, et cetera,

which is just code for "it’s gonna cost ya."

Of course.

But I knew that, like everything, it was for sale,

and so, for a certain price, I bought it,

had it dipped in gold and covered with precious jewels,

for your beloved mansion Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach.

For Mar-A-Lago.

See what the diamonds spell?

Trump! Oh, darling.

Trump.

Darling, open yours, okay? Open, open.

I’m excited.

Look, I bought you a solid gold anchor

encrusted in jewels for your beloved yacht, The Princess.

Oh, Ivana, it’s gorgeous.

( WEEPS )

Darling, why are you crying?

Oh, Donald, I...

I sold the mansion to buy the solid gold anchor.

And I sold my yacht to buy the jewel-encrusted door.

Don’t worry, Ivana.

I don’t need the yacht. Not now, anyway.

I sold it at the peak of the market

for luxury boats.

It’s all gonna crash by the summer.

I’ll buy it back from a desperate seller

for half of what it’s worth.

I saw the same cycle coming in Florida real estate.

Next year, I’ll re-buy the house at a steal.

I love this time of year.

Merry Christmas, Donald.

BOTH: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest Bobby McFerrin.

And starring Kevin Kline.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Kline.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Whoo! I have always wanted to do that.

’Cause they are the best band! Thank you!

You know...

A lot of the work that I’ve done in New York

has been in the theater.

Especially for the New York Shakespeare festival.

Did a lot of Shakespeare.

I did Hamlet, I did Henry V,

Much Ado About Nothing, Richard III,

just to name a few. Thank you.

See, everybody goes and sees it. It’s great.

That’s why it’s such a special honor

for me to be here tonight,

walking on these, the same boards

that have been trod by the greatest Shakespearean actor

to ever grace the television stage,

Master Thespian.

If only he could be here now,

tonight, to see me in this, my moment of greatest glory.

Tis I, Master Thespian!

What an honor.

Don’t be silly. The honor is mine.

Master Thespian, I... I...

I’ll never forget the day I decided to become an actor.

I’m so nervous being next to you.

I was in London when I was ten years old

with my parents.

They took me to see this production,

kind of unique, as I recall,

that you did of Hamlet.

Ah, yes. The Melancholy Jew.

Remember...

"To be or not to be. Oy, what a question!"

"Whether it is nobler to suffer the slings and arrows

"of outrageous fortune,

or to go home and hear my mother whine."

- Brilliant. - Acting.

- Genius. - Thank you.

Are you hurt?

Do we say... acting!

Gen... not bad.

Oh, Mister...

- Line. - Kline.

No, no. Line.

- Kline. - Yes, I know.

Oh, Mr. Kline Line.

You have a chance to achieve greatness tonight.

You have a wonderful script,

a brilliant ensemble of players,

and if all else fails, you have Bobby McFerrin.

There’s no question in my mind.

You’ll be the hit of the season.

Do you really think so?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

You can make history. Yeah, that’s it.

Yeah, well, I gotta go.

I gotta go back to London.

Yeah, that’s it. I’m fading away.

Oh, look, look. There I go.

Yeah, I’m in London now. Yeah, that’s it.

We’ll be right back. Stick around.

And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you, thank you.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

It was obviously a horrible week

for Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev.

One can only wonder what went through his mind

as he looked at the crumbled buildings,

the homeless, and the ruins of a once-proud city,

but we’ll never know, because he had to hop on a plane

and fly to Armenia.

The disaster in Armenia this week

put off a potential meeting between Gorbachev

and American entrepreneur Donald Trump,

a much-awaited meeting between a Bolshevik

and a Bolshevik artist.

Premier Mikhail Gorbachev’s speech at the UN this week

was widely hailed by world leaders as a visionary one,

and was even described by some English-speaking delegates

as "Kennedy-esque."

Here’s a clip from that speech.

( SPEAKING RUSSIAN )

JOHN KENNEDY’S VOICE: In the last few years,

the entire world can breathe a sigh of relief,

thanks to changes for the better

in the relationship between Moscow and Washington.

And ironically, the French translator

sounded just like Charles De Gaulle.

It somehow reminded him of the great statesman De Gaulle.

This is the new prime minister of Pakistan,

Benazir Bhutto.

Ms. Bhutto, formerly of the Casablanca modeling agency

in New York, where she worked under the name Tawny Bhutto,

was asked why she wanted to become prime minister of Pakistan.

She said, " It was either this or date Stallone.

I chose this."

And in Pretoria, South Africa, this week,

the dyslexic Nazi Party marched in support of apartheid.

And earlier this week, the pope’s new airplane

kissed the ground at Rome’s airport.

I’m tellin’ you, maybe she’s afraid of losing him

now that he’s president,

but Barbara Bush has been looking just great lately.

And now, a new feature on Weekend Update.

Death Watch. Tonight, we focus on Hirohito,

the emperor of Japan for most of the 20th century,

including World War II.

The 87-year-old ruler has been hovering

between life and death for several months now.

So let’s go live to Tokyo and Death Watch roving reporter

George Burns. George?

Thank you, Dennis.

I’m here outside Emperor Hirohito’s hospital room

where he’s been slipping in and out of a coma.

Yesterday, he lapsed into consciousness

while I was eating from his-his-his fruit basket.

And I said, Emperor, I hope you take this as a compliment,

but this reminds me of when Groucho was dying.

I was there, you know, at Cedars-Sinai

with Jack Benny and Phil Silvers

and Cary Grant, God rest their souls.

And I said, Emperor, we’ve got a lot in common.

We’ve both outlived all our friends.

What do you say we strike up a special friendship?

Then he said something in Japanese,

and lapsed into a coma.

Well, thank you. Thank you, George.

- Back to you, Dennis. - Thank you, buddy.

We’ll be checking with George periodically

as Death Watch continues its coverage

of Emperor Hirohito’s incredibly drawn-out death.

President and Mrs. Reagan sneaked away from

a Los Angeles hotel to view their prospective new home

in Bel Air this week.

Mrs. Reagan, who sat with the driver, told Mr. Reagan

to get in the backseat and lie down.

The trip went unnoticed until the president sat up

put his nose out the window, and let the wind blow his ears back.

* Arafat, Arafat, my favorite Arafat *

* Arafat *

Nabisco has a hot new product--

Teddy Grahams, tiny bite-sized graham cookies

shaped like little tiny teddy bears.

The product has prompted picketing

at the Nabisco plant in Wisconsin

by animal cracker rights activist groups.

The Del Monte people this week joined the H.J. Heinz company

and stopped using the word catsup, C-A-T-S-U-P,

and started using the more accepted word ketchup,

spelled K-E-T-C-H-U-P.

The decision had a ripple effect,

especially on Broadway,

where the Andrew Lloyd Webber play Catsfollowed suit.

Here’s this weekend’s Weekend UpdateSports Corner.

Let’s go to the videotape.

That was one hell of a strike, wasn’t it?

Inexplicably, Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight

began to apply vertical CPR to one of his players this week,

in a game against Louisville.

Knight recently accused his team of choking,

but from the looks of that gut on Bob,

nothin’ get stuck halfway down his throat.

Here’s a Weekend Update Christmas shopping tip.

Hey, mothers, don’t waste money this year

on those unneeded Chipmunk Christmas albums.

Just take any Christmas album you have,

move it up from 33 to 78,

and you save yourself the eight bucks.

And now, here once again is my mentor,

and the very person that is responsible for my being,

A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture.

Well, New York hosted Premier Gorbachev this week,

and he was amazed by our hospitality.

I think the real clincher was the fact

that every time he stopped his limo,

somebody would rush up and try to wash his windshield.

I saw his speech at the United Nations,

and I have to say, it was more entertaining

than the presidential debates.

But I guess it helps to have a translator.

It sounded a lot like a familiar campaign speech.

"This cold war is not about ideology.

It’s about competence."

Talk about a tired old leftist cliché.

Actually, it was a speech a lot about money,

or rather, about rubles.

There’s a big difference between the two,

and that’s his problem.

You see, rubles are not even considered money

by most of the world.

If you think it’s hard to get rid of Canadian quarters,

you oughta try holding kopeks.

Of course, one of his visionary proposals

was the forgiveness of third-world debt.

The industrial superpowers should just write off

all those loans to the debtor nations.

Fine for him to say, but I seriously doubt

if the Japanese would ever let us off the hook.

These troop reductions are a great thing.

He’s gonna take ten percent of his forces

out of Eastern Europe.

Wow! It’s not like tearing down the Berlin wall,

but on top of that,

he’s also gonna take 90% of the troops out of Mongolia.

That’s something we can all rejoice in.

Because I, for one, have always felt

"Eich bin un Mongol."

All in all, it was a great speech.

It’s just too bad Arafat wasn’t there

to warm up for him. He’s a great opening act,

and the UN can be a real tough room.

And that, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney Brown.

According to gossip columnist Suzy,

an attendee at this week’s ladies lunch

given in the honor of Raisa Gorbachev,

the event was a big success.

"Things got off a little slowly," said Suzy.

"We were a little scared about how Nancy and Raisa

"would act towards each other.

"But once the stripper-gram arrived,

we were all speakin’ the same language."

Well, Jim Bakker was in the news again this week.

A former Bakker colleague, preacher John Wesley Fletcher,

says he had sex with Jim Bakker three times.

I never thought I’d hear myself say this,

but I gotta think Jimmy did the right thing.

Looks like Buffy’s doll Mrs. Beasley,

with a Maybelline addiction or something.

Santa had a real tough case on his hands this week

when Vice-President-elect Dan Quayle

asked for something to do, and Santa had to say no.

This week, New York’s La Guardia Airport

announced plans to begin streamlining its operation

to make itself more competitive

with the state-of-the-art JFK Airport.

Listen, La Guardia, I know JFK.

I’ve flown out of JFK.

La Guardia, you’re no JFK.

More drug problems in the NFL last week

as Miami Dolphins superstar wide receiver Mark Duper

was suspended when officials discovered foreign substances,

or more precisely, those two Alaskan gray whales,

turned up in his urine sample.

Well, guess what, folks? That’s the news,

and I... oh, I almost forgot. I had a big thrill this week.

I had my first "I’m outta here" exhibit

at the Wendell galleries on Manhattan’s 59th Street.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

( TV PLAYING LOUDLY )

Hon, do you mind if I turn this down?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Thanks.

So what about tonight?

A movie or what?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY ) Nothing good.

Well, uh, wanna stay in?

We could cook.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Why not?

I’d rather go out.

Okay. Well, where?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

- Italian? - ( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

- Japanese? - ( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

- Mexican? - Okay.

Okay, good.

So what do you have planned for today?

Shopping.

Then lunch.

Mm-hmm. With whom?

Nancy.

How is she?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I forgot to mention.

The window cleaners called.

They said they wanted to come by on Monday. Is that good for you?

- ( BLOWS RASPBERRY ) - Great.

Good. That’s what I told them.

Good breakfast, honey.

Thanks.

So after lunch, then what?

Come home, hang around.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Have an affair.

Uh-huh.

Is there any more coffee?

- ( BLOWS RASPBERRY ) - Hmm?

- ( BLOWS RASPBERRY ) - Oh.

So, uh...

what about Christmas?

Should we visit my parents or what?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

I agree.

So we’ll go to Aspen.

- Yes? - ( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

I’ll teach you to ski.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

You’ll love it. It’s great.

( PHONE RINGS )

Hello.

Yeah.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY ) How are you?

Yeah. Just a minute.

Yeah?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Around 10:00.

Okay, good. All right. Yeah, bye.

Well, I better go.

Bye.

You love me?

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

I love you.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

I do!

You do?

And how.

Hmmm.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

Well, that’s it, ladies and gentlemen, for this week.

It’s been amazing.

I want to thank you all.

I want to thank this incredibly talented cast.

The amazing Bobby McFerrin.

This great company of actors!

Brilliant, wonderfully supportive people.

It’s been great.

Go see silly movie. My Stepmother Is An Alien.

There’s a movie I’m in called The January Man.

You can tune in whenever.