Original subtitles

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guests The Bangles.

And starring Danny DeVito.

Ladies and gentlemen, Danny DeVito.

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh!

Ohh!! Oh, thank you, thank you.

Oh, thank you. Oh, my God. Oh, boy.

Oh, this is it.

This is it. This is what it’s all about.

This is why I do the show. Do you know what I mean?

You hit those doors, they’re yelling your name,

you guys are screamin’.

The adrenaline’s pumpin’ outta me like crazy.

I come to center stage, ya-hoo!

I wanna do it again.

Can I do it again?

Can I do it again?

Can I do it again?

I’ll do it again.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guests the Bangles.

And starring Danny DeVito.

Ladies and gentlemen, Danny DeVito.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh hoo!

Oh. Oh ho.

Oh, that was worth it. That was worth it.

That was really worth it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I’d come out a third time,

but I don’t think I got it in me.

I swear to God. That is the best.

Excuse me a minute. I gotta sit down.

My God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, we got... Hi!

We got a really good show tonight.

( LAUGHING )

Oh, it’s great!

We got the Bangles!

And a lot of funny stuff.

And I really... okay.

Okay, I could just lay here for a little bit.

Whoo, I’m tellin’ ya!

Okay, now, don’t go away,

because we’ll be right back.

It’s your turn again.

I wish we had something fun to play with.

( ROARING )

* Here he comes *

* From the frozen north, Big Red *

* A mighty man from the land of Thor *

- * Big Red * - * Big Red *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

* You pour in the goop in the helmet thing *

* But you better watch out *

* When you pull the string *

- * Big Red * - * Big Red *

- * Big Red * - * Big Red *

* Big Red *

* He’s big, big, big *

* And he’s red, red, red *

* And that’s how he got to earn the name *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

Big Red by Bleego.

Makers of Termite Town.

MAN: Backstage at Chippendale’s.

WOMAN: Sports Illustrated’s sexiest swimsuit issue ever.

MAN: And a rare look at Tony Bennett’s hot tub.

It’s all ahead on this edition of...

Hello, I’m Andy Neuwirth.

And I’m Jessica Hahn.

And this is Sex Tonight.

December 3, 1988.

American’s are really interested in sex.

That, according to a survey out this week

from the San Diego Center for Sex Studies.

While Americans may not be having sex as often as they like,

they’re thinking about it almost constantly,

and wishing they could have sex all the time. Andy?

Thanks, Jessica.

Minneapolis rocker Prince has a new female protege

in his band.

Prince says he hasn’t had sex with her yet,

but expects to soon. Jessica.

Well, we all know that sex feels good, Andy.

But did you know that it’s also good for you?

It’s true, according to a soon-to-be released report

from the San Diego Center for Sex Studies. Andy?

Nice, Jessica.

Interesting follow-up to last month’s presidential election.

According to a poll conducted by Sex Tonight,

President-elect Bush is considered sexier

than Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis

in 40 of the 50 states.

On this map, the states colored in blue

find George Bush sexier, while those colored in red

find Michael Dukakis the most sexy. Jessica.

Sex, sex, sex.

Sex, sex. Andy.

Sexy sex.

Now with America’s Top Five is our own Casey Kasem. Casey?

Thanks, Andy.

You know, masturbation is a natural and beautiful thing.

Practiced in every culture since the beginning of time.

And yet, throughout our history,

we have felt the need to coin euphemisms

to describe this private and very sexy act,

and never more so than in the 19th century.

Tonight, let’s review the top five masturbation euphemisms

from that great era.

First, in the number five position...

At number four...

Next at number three...

The number-two euphemism...

And finally, at number one,

the most popular euphemism for masturbation

in the 19th century, started back in 1807

by a young sailor who little realized his contribution

he made to the English language.

The name of that sailor is lost to history,

but not so his euphemism.

I’m Casey Kasem.

Thanks, Casey.

We wish to thank the San Diego Center for Sex Studies

for their help in preparing that report. Jessica?

According to our latest Sex Tonightpoll,

the celebrities you would most like to see

having sex with each other are once again

John Kennedy Jr. and Lisa Marie Presley.

That’s for the eighth week in a row. Andy.

Having sex this week in Aspen,

Rosanna Arquette and Peter Gabriel.

More sex on Sex Tonight,after this.

Hello. I’m Wilford Brimley,

here with a very important message for anyone over 60

who is still sexually active.

Most sex chairs are designed with 20-year-olds in mind.

But for many senior citizens,

arthritis, lower back pain, and other disabilities

make these sex chairs useless and even dangerous.

But now the people at Reclino Love Lounge,

working with orthopedic specialists,

have designed this automatically adjusting sex chair.

Using a system of counterweights,

ratchets and pulleys,

it allows you and your mate to carry on

like a couple of teenagers.

Write this number down.

It’s a fun thing to do, and a new way to do it.

Celebrating birthdays today,

Harrison Ford turns 44,

which means he is now 25 years past his sexual peak.

But River Phoenix turns 14,

with five years still to go.

So then, Harrison Ford is getting less sexy,

and River Phoenix is getting sexier?

Yes, but that’s not to say

that Harrison Ford won’t continue to be sexy

for several more years.

( CHUCKLES )

Sex Tonightwould like to apologize for an error

in last week’s broadcast when we reported that

Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen

split up due to his sexual dysfunction.

Our mistake.

But according to Sex Tonight sources in Hollywood,

Stallone and society debutante Cornelia Guest

broke up because of his sexual dysfunction.

Recently, the National Board of Parent Teachers Association

called on the FCC to reduce the amount of sexual content

on broadcast television.

That is the subject of tonight’s commentary

by Jessica Hahn.

Okay, in making the criticism of broadcast television,

the PTA overlooked one important fact.

Kids are gonna learn about sex

whether we like it or not, right?

I mean, isn’t it better if they learned about it

from a big budget nationally syndicated TV show

with good production values like Sex Tonighthere,

rather than some sleazy late-night cable show

with poor production values and bad lighting?

Right?

I’m Jessica Hahn.

And finally tonight,

a story that doesn’t have much to do with sex,

but one that we’re kind of proud of here at Sex Tonight.

If you’ll allow us to toot our own horn for a moment,

the most recent Nielsen ratings show that Sex Tonight

is the number-one syndicated show in America.

We must be doing something right.

And Jessica, this has to be a real vindication for you.

Well, I know. Thank you, Andy.

I was very green when I first started.

I want to thank you for your patience

and making me feel so welcome here at Sex Tonight.

Well, you were a bit ragged when you got here,

but this young lady has come a long way as an on-air personality,

and I have a tremendous amount of respect for Jessica Hahn.

Because this young woman had to learn the job on the air,

and under an enormous amount of criticism.

And Jessica...

you’re 10,000% better, and the difference is frightening.

Thank you.

And for the entire Sex Tonight family,

this is Andy Neuwirth.

And Jessica Hahn, wishing you a good night.

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

All hell broke loose at a Soviet parliament session

this week when President Gorbachev asked,

"Who wants gum?"

"I do-ski, I do-ski."

Soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev today announced

that he will cancel his trip to the city next week

unless the New York Post stops calling him Gorby.

He added that he prefers to be referred to as

the Gorb-meister.

The Reagans broke ground this week

for the Reagan presidential library

in Simi Valley, California.

The library will feature all the great books of the world

condensed into easy-to-read, single-page memos.

In a related story, ground was broken this week

in Yorba Linda, California, for the Richard Nixon library,

where every 17th book will be missing.

A Boeing 747 jumbo jet is being prepared to serve

as President George Bush’s Air Force One.

Vice-President Dan Quayle’s Air Force Twotransportation

will be the B-2 Stealth bomber

guaranteeing that nobody will be able to find him.

Thank you for helping me put that one last kick in.

You know, the big name in the news this week

is the chairman of the PLO, Yasser Arafat.

As you know, Arafat was scheduled to address the UN,

but was denied an entry visa

by Secretary of State George Shultz,

because of his support of terrorist activities.

We have Mr. Arafat live via satellite feed

from the Grand Hotel in Geneva, Switzerland.

Chairman Arafat, can you hear me?

Yes, Ted, it is a pleasure once again to be on Nightline.

Uh...

I’m sorry, sir.

I’m Dennis Miller. This is Weekend Update.

Boy, this is not my week.

I understand the UN meeting has been moved to Geneva.

Are you disappointed about that?

Yes. I had tickets to see Cats.

But Switzerland is nice, too.

I’m getting some skiing in.

In fact, we got 36 inches of fresh powder last night.

I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.

Yes, yes.

You know, the thing I love about Switzerland

is that you really feel safe here.

Most places, you can’t walk around at night.

Take Beirut. It’s a disgrace.

And Switzerland is so clean,

it makes me want to shave.

Okay, well, what about George Shultz, sir?

A very bad man.

Why he would deny me this visa, I don’t know.

Didn’t you, in fact, try to have him killed

when he was in Jerusalem a few months ago?

Oh. Is he still upset about that?

George Shultz. What a big baby.

One last question, sir.

Just to clear up some rumors that are flying around.

Yes. Shoot, Dennis.

Are you gay?

Are you?

No, I’m not. I’m just asking.

So am I.

Well, thank you, Yasser Arafat.

Thank you, Dennis Miller.

He digs me.

I can tell. Thank you, Yasser.

In England last week,

at London’s Middle Temple Hall,

a continuation of the age-old debate

whether William Shakespeare had, in fact,

written the works of the bard.

The conjecture is that the complete works

were written either by Shakespeare,

or the 17th earl of Oxford,

or Delaware senator Joseph Biden.

At a Christie’s auction in London last Monday,

a Picasso painting was sold to a Japanese collector

for $38.5 million.

The painting, entitled "John Hurt and Sandy Duncan,"

set a sales record...

Until later in the same auction,

when another Picasso painting

entitled "Dogs Shooting Billiards,"

went for $41.3 million.

The buyer was identified only as a rich American art collector.

A sale scheduled for December 16 at Sotheby’s,

the New York auction house,

will feature a variety of props

from legendary Hollywood films, including

the piano and bench from the Paris flashback scene

in Casablanca,

the Wicked Witch of the West’s hat

from The Wizard of Oz,

Clark Gable’s personalized leather-bound script

from Gone With The Wind,

and the incredibly bad rug Burt Reynolds wore

in Hooper.

When George Bush becomes president of the United States,

his main priority, he says,

will be the country’s deficit.

Here now with a thoughtful insight on that subject

is our very own Kevin Nealon. Welcome, Kevin.

Thanks, Dennis.

You have to have priorities in life.

That’s the point I’m really trying to hit home with tonight.

If I was to be remembered for saying only one thing

in my life, it would be that.

You must have priorities.

Some people feel Bush’s priorities

should be the education system.

I happen to think this country has a great education system.

It’s getting better all the time.

There’s kids in my neighborhood right here in New York City,

they’re six, maybe seven years old,

they can already speak fluent Spanish.

It’s the teachers. They’re doing a great job.

You know, you have to give credit where credit’s due in life.

Wait a minute, no, no.

That’s what I’m really trying to say.

Give credit where credit’s due.

Forget what I said before about the priorities in life thing.

I didn’t know what I was thinking.

I came out of the gate too fast on that one.

I was just talking off the top of my head.

Seriously, no, no.

The message I’m trying to convey here

is you have to give credit where credit’s due.

And some of the credit has to go to the students.

They deserve more challenging courses, I think.

At one time, I had the opportunity

to teach in the school system. I taught PE.

It was too easy. The kids picked it up real quick.

P... P. E... E.

They got it right away.

To be honest with you, I think they could’ve handled

the whole alphabet.

Sometimes, though, it’s better to quit

while you’re ahead in life.

That’s what I’m really trying to say.

I’m sorry. You should quit while you’re ahead in life.

Forget about that priorities thing

and that give credit where credit’s due thing.

I have no idea where that came from.

That was a bunch of...

I don’t know what I was... talking about then.

I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

I was just going through the motions.

Flipping through the channels.

I’m tuned in now though.

And the point is very simple.

Sometimes it’s better to quit while you’re ahead in life.

Especially bad habits.

Most people have habits.

Some people disguise their habits

by calling them hobbies.

But there’s a difference between habits and hobbies.

For example, picking your nose is a habit.

Unless you save them. Then it’s a hobby.

It’s not a good one, but it’s a hobby.

I mean, you gotta call a spade a spade in life.

That’s what I’m really trying to say.

You gotta call a spade a spade in life.

Forget all that gibberish I mentioned before

about priorities and giving credit where credit’s due.

That was a lot of bull. I was coming out of left field on that.

I was just shadow boxing, bobbing and weaving.

I was just buying time.

I was shucking and jiving.

Just jumping on the bandwagon for any rhyme or reason.

I didn’t know what was happening.

Stop me, Dennis. I was just sorting through the mail.

Just letting off some steam. Stop me, Dennis.

Kevin, Kevin. Kevin! Thank you.

Kevin Nealon.

Thank you, Kevin.

Shortly after this picture was taken,

the man on the far left slipped and hurt his ankle.

Retired schoolteacher Ryan Mills

shocked Wall Street today with a $75 trillion takeover bid

for every publicly traded company

listed on the New York Stock Exchange.

When asked how he would finance the deal,

Mills replied, "I’m not gonna lie to ya.

This one’s leveraged to the hilt."

Lotto fever hit New York again this week,

and like the old saying goes,

"you gotta be in it to win it."

But first, you gotta have a dead-end job

so pathetic, you’re willing to kill five hours

standing in line for a one in 25 1/2 million chance

Good luck, everybody!

And this just in.

New York’s record lottery prize of $45 million

was claimed today by Raymond Simmons,

an unemployed crack addict from Brooklyn.

He said he planned no changes in his lifestyle.

The latest thing in crime prevention

was unveiled this week in New York City.

A group calling themselves the Guardian Santas

appeared on the streets of Manhattan.

They don’t carry guns,

but rather, hold the criminal and ring little bells

until the real police show up.

Millions of Americans were shocked and saddened

this week when it was revealed that the United States’

latest state-of-the-art fighting tool,

the F-117 Ace Stealth fighter

is actually just a piece of origami.

Since I’ve gotten so many requests,

and since they’re here tonight,

I thought I’d once more do my Susanna Hoffs impression.

Come on in a little.

Come in a little. This is good.

Susanna Hoffs of the Bangles. Ready?

Okay, that was it.

Well, Playboymagazine turned 35 this month,

and altered its corporate logo accordingly.

A bizarre story this week.

A Salem state college press conference says

New York governor Mario Cuomo

punched himself on the right side of the head

and knocked himself unconscious.

The famous age-old rock group Pink Floyd

visited the Soviet Union this week,

where their historic album Dark Side Of The Crescent Moon

has been on the Soviet top ten list

for the last decade.

Spokesmen for the Soviet government,

welcoming the group to Moscow, said,

"Wow. The Floyd, man."

And our Update fashion photographer

last night got this shot of Ivana Trump in her nightgown.

On this month’s cover of Vanity Fairmagazine,

the Reagans are saying good-bye, saying happy trails,

but underneath it, it says, "We’re outta here."

Hey, Ronnie, that’s not fair,

taking my catchphrase like that.

You never hear me saying, "Huh? What?"

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

Okay, good night, everybody.

We love you. Go see Twins!