All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E07.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring G.E. Smith and
the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guests
The Bangles.

And starring
Danny DeVito.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Danny DeVito.

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh!

Ohh!! Oh, thank you,
thank you.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God. Oh, boy.

Oh, this is it.

This is it.
This is what it’s all about.

This is why I do the show.
Do you know what I mean?

You hit those doors,
they’re yelling your name,

you guys are screamin’.

The adrenaline’s pumpin’
outta me like crazy.

I come to center stage,
ya-hoo!

I wanna do it again.

Can I do it again?

Can I do it again?

Can I do it again?

I’ll do it again.

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday night!

DON PARDO:
It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring G.E. Smith and
the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guests
the Bangles.

And starring
Danny DeVito.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Danny DeVito.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh hoo!

Oh. Oh ho.

Oh, that was worth it.
That was worth it.

That was really
worth it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I’d come out
a third time,

but I don’t think
I got it in me.

I swear to God.
That is the best.

Excuse me a minute.
I gotta sit down.

My God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, we got... Hi!

We got
a really good show tonight.

( LAUGHING )

Oh, it’s great!

We got the Bangles!

And a lot of funny stuff.

And I really... okay.

Okay, I could just lay here
for a little bit.

Whoo, I’m tellin’ ya!

Okay, now,
don’t go away,

because we’ll be
right back.

It’s your turn again.

I wish we had
something fun to play with.

( ROARING )

* Here he comes *

* From the frozen north,
Big Red *

* A mighty man
from the land of Thor *

- * Big Red *
- * Big Red *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

* You pour in the goop
in the helmet thing *

* But you better
watch out *

* When you pull
the string *

- * Big Red *
- * Big Red *

- * Big Red *
- * Big Red *

* Big Red *

* He’s big, big, big *

* And he’s
red, red, red *

* And that’s how he got
to earn the name *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

* Big Red *

Big Red by Bleego.

Makers of
Termite Town.

MAN: Backstage at
Chippendale’s.

WOMAN: Sports Illustrated’s
sexiest swimsuit issue ever.

MAN: And a rare look at
Tony Bennett’s hot tub.

It’s all ahead on
this edition of...

Hello, I’m Andy Neuwirth.

And I’m Jessica Hahn.

And this is
Sex Tonight.

December 3, 1988.

American’s are really
interested in sex.

That, according to a survey
out this week

from the San Diego
Center for Sex Studies.

While Americans may not
be having sex as often
as they like,

they’re thinking about it
almost constantly,

and wishing they could
have sex all the time. Andy?

Thanks, Jessica.

Minneapolis rocker Prince
has a new female protege

in his band.

Prince says he hasn’t
had sex with her yet,

but expects to soon.
Jessica.

Well, we all know that
sex feels good, Andy.

But did you know that
it’s also good for you?

It’s true, according to
a soon-to-be released report

from the San Diego
Center for Sex Studies. Andy?

Nice, Jessica.

Interesting follow-up to last
month’s presidential election.

According to a poll
conducted by Sex Tonight,

President-elect Bush
is considered sexier

than Massachusetts governor
Michael Dukakis

in 40 of the 50 states.

On this map, the states
colored in blue

find George Bush sexier,
while those colored in red

find Michael Dukakis
the most sexy. Jessica.

Sex, sex, sex.

Sex, sex. Andy.

Sexy sex.

Now with America’s Top Five
is our own Casey Kasem. Casey?

Thanks, Andy.

You know, masturbation is
a natural and beautiful thing.

Practiced in every culture
since the beginning of time.

And yet,
throughout our history,

we have felt the need
to coin euphemisms

to describe this private
and very sexy act,

and never more so than
in the 19th century.

Tonight, let’s review the top
five masturbation euphemisms

from that great era.

First, in the number five
position...

At number four...

Next at number three...

The number-two
euphemism...

And finally,
at number one,

the most popular euphemism
for masturbation

in the 19th century,
started back in 1807

by a young sailor who little
realized his contribution

he made to
the English language.

The name of that sailor
is lost to history,

but not so
his euphemism.

I’m Casey Kasem.

Thanks, Casey.

We wish to thank the San Diego
Center for Sex Studies

for their help in preparing
that report. Jessica?

According to our latest
Sex Tonightpoll,

the celebrities you would
most like to see

having sex with each other
are once again

John Kennedy Jr.
and Lisa Marie Presley.

That’s for the eighth
week in a row. Andy.

Having sex this week
in Aspen,

Rosanna Arquette
and Peter Gabriel.

More sex on
Sex Tonight,after this.

Hello.
I’m Wilford Brimley,

here with a very important
message for anyone over 60

who is still
sexually active.

Most sex chairs are designed
with 20-year-olds in mind.

But for many
senior citizens,

arthritis, lower back pain,
and other disabilities

make these sex chairs
useless and even dangerous.

But now the people at
Reclino Love Lounge,

working with orthopedic
specialists,

have designed this automatically
adjusting sex chair.

Using a system of
counterweights,

ratchets and pulleys,

it allows you and your mate
to carry on

like a couple of teenagers.

Write this number down.

It’s a fun thing to do,
and a new way to do it.

Celebrating birthdays
today,

Harrison Ford
turns 44,

which means he is now
25 years past his sexual peak.

But River Phoenix
turns 14,

with five years
still to go.

So then, Harrison Ford
is getting less sexy,

and River Phoenix
is getting sexier?

Yes, but that’s
not to say

that Harrison Ford
won’t continue to be sexy

for several more years.

( CHUCKLES )

Sex Tonightwould like
to apologize for an error

in last week’s broadcast
when we reported that

Sylvester Stallone
and Brigitte Nielsen

split up due to
his sexual dysfunction.

Our mistake.

But according to Sex Tonight
sources in Hollywood,

Stallone and society debutante
Cornelia Guest

broke up because of
his sexual dysfunction.

Recently, the National Board
of Parent Teachers Association

called on the FCC to reduce
the amount of sexual content

on broadcast television.

That is the subject of
tonight’s commentary

by Jessica Hahn.

Okay, in making the criticism
of broadcast television,

the PTA overlooked
one important fact.

Kids are gonna
learn about sex

whether we like it
or not, right?

I mean, isn’t it better
if they learned about it

from a big budget
nationally syndicated TV show

with good production values
like Sex Tonighthere,

rather than some sleazy
late-night cable show

with poor production values
and bad lighting?

Right?

I’m Jessica Hahn.

And finally tonight,

a story that doesn’t have
much to do with sex,

but one that we’re kind of
proud of here at Sex Tonight.

If you’ll allow us to toot
our own horn for a moment,

the most recent Nielsen ratings
show that Sex Tonight

is the number-one
syndicated show in America.

We must be doing
something right.

And Jessica,
this has to be
a real vindication for you.

Well, I know.
Thank you, Andy.

I was very green
when I first started.

I want to thank you
for your patience

and making me feel
so welcome here at Sex Tonight.

Well, you were
a bit ragged
when you got here,

but this young lady
has come a long way
as an on-air personality,

and I have a tremendous
amount of respect for
Jessica Hahn.

Because this young woman
had to learn the job
on the air,

and under an enormous
amount of criticism.

And Jessica...

you’re 10,000% better,
and the difference
is frightening.

Thank you.

And for the entire
Sex Tonight family,

this is Andy Neuwirth.

And Jessica Hahn,
wishing you a good night.

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

All hell broke loose
at a Soviet parliament session

this week when
President Gorbachev asked,

"Who wants gum?"

"I do-ski, I do-ski."

Soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev
today announced

that he will cancel his trip
to the city next week

unless the New York Post
stops calling him Gorby.

He added that he prefers
to be referred to as

the Gorb-meister.

The Reagans broke ground
this week

for the Reagan
presidential library

in Simi Valley,
California.

The library will feature
all the great books of the world

condensed into easy-to-read,
single-page memos.

In a related story,
ground was broken this week

in Yorba Linda, California,
for the Richard Nixon library,

where every 17th book
will be missing.

A Boeing 747 jumbo jet
is being prepared to serve

as President George Bush’s
Air Force One.

Vice-President Dan Quayle’s
Air Force Twotransportation

will be the B-2
Stealth bomber

guaranteeing that nobody
will be able to find him.

Thank you for helping me
put that one last kick in.

You know, the big name
in the news this week

is the chairman of the PLO,
Yasser Arafat.

As you know, Arafat
was scheduled to address the UN,

but was denied
an entry visa

by Secretary of State
George Shultz,

because of his support
of terrorist activities.

We have Mr. Arafat
live via satellite feed

from the Grand Hotel
in Geneva, Switzerland.

Chairman Arafat,
can you hear me?

Yes, Ted, it is a pleasure
once again to be on Nightline.

Uh...

I’m sorry, sir.

I’m Dennis Miller.
This is Weekend Update.

Boy, this is not
my week.

I understand the UN
meeting has been moved
to Geneva.

Are you disappointed
about that?

Yes. I had tickets
to see Cats.

But Switzerland
is nice, too.

I’m getting
some skiing in.

In fact, we got
36 inches of fresh
powder last night.

I’m glad you’re
enjoying yourself.

Yes, yes.

You know, the thing
I love about Switzerland

is that you really
feel safe here.

Most places, you can’t
walk around at night.

Take Beirut.
It’s a disgrace.

And Switzerland
is so clean,

it makes me
want to shave.

Okay, well, what about
George Shultz, sir?

A very bad man.

Why he would deny me
this visa, I don’t know.

Didn’t you, in fact,
try to have him killed

when he was in
Jerusalem a few months ago?

Oh. Is he still
upset about that?

George Shultz.
What a big baby.

One last question, sir.

Just to clear up
some rumors that
are flying around.

Yes. Shoot, Dennis.

Are you gay?

Are you?

No, I’m not.
I’m just asking.

So am I.

Well, thank you,
Yasser Arafat.

Thank you, Dennis Miller.

He digs me.

I can tell.
Thank you, Yasser.

In England last week,

at London’s
Middle Temple Hall,

a continuation of
the age-old debate

whether William Shakespeare
had, in fact,

written the works
of the bard.

The conjecture is that
the complete works

were written either
by Shakespeare,

or the 17th
earl of Oxford,

or Delaware senator
Joseph Biden.

At a Christie’s auction
in London last Monday,

a Picasso painting was sold
to a Japanese collector

for $38.5 million.

The painting, entitled
"John Hurt and Sandy Duncan,"

set a sales record...

Until later
in the same auction,

when another
Picasso painting

entitled
"Dogs Shooting Billiards,"

went for $41.3 million.

The buyer was identified only as
a rich American art collector.

A sale scheduled for
December 16 at Sotheby’s,

the New York
auction house,

will feature
a variety of props

from legendary Hollywood
films, including

the piano and bench from
the Paris flashback scene

in Casablanca,

the Wicked Witch
of the West’s hat

from The Wizard of Oz,

Clark Gable’s personalized
leather-bound script

from Gone With The Wind,

and the incredibly bad rug
Burt Reynolds wore

in Hooper.

When George Bush becomes
president of the United States,

his main priority,
he says,

will be
the country’s deficit.

Here now with a thoughtful
insight on that subject

is our very own
Kevin Nealon. Welcome, Kevin.

Thanks, Dennis.

You have to have
priorities in life.

That’s the point I’m really
trying to hit home with tonight.

If I was to be remembered
for saying only one thing

in my life,
it would be that.

You must have priorities.

Some people feel
Bush’s priorities

should be
the education system.

I happen to think this country
has a great education system.

It’s getting better
all the time.

There’s kids in my neighborhood
right here in New York City,

they’re six,
maybe seven years old,

they can already speak
fluent Spanish.

It’s the teachers.
They’re doing a great job.

You know, you have
to give credit where
credit’s due in life.

Wait a minute,
no, no.

That’s what I’m really
trying to say.

Give credit
where credit’s due.

Forget what I said before about
the priorities in life thing.

I didn’t know
what I was thinking.

I came out of the gate
too fast on that one.

I was just talking
off the top of my head.

Seriously, no, no.

The message I’m trying
to convey here

is you have to give credit
where credit’s due.

And some of the credit
has to go to the students.

They deserve more challenging
courses, I think.

At one time,
I had the opportunity

to teach in the school system.
I taught PE.

It was too easy. The kids
picked it up real quick.

P... P.
E... E.

They got it right away.

To be honest with you,
I think they could’ve handled

the whole alphabet.

Sometimes, though,
it’s better to quit

while you’re ahead
in life.

That’s what I’m really
trying to say.

I’m sorry. You should
quit while you’re ahead in life.

Forget about that
priorities thing

and that give credit
where credit’s due thing.

I have no idea
where that came from.

That was a bunch of...

I don’t know what I was...
talking about then.

I didn’t know
if I was coming or going.

I was just going
through the motions.

Flipping through
the channels.

I’m tuned in now though.

And the point
is very simple.

Sometimes it’s better to quit
while you’re ahead in life.

Especially bad habits.

Most people have habits.

Some people
disguise their habits

by calling them hobbies.

But there’s a difference
between habits and hobbies.

For example, picking your nose
is a habit.

Unless you save them.
Then it’s a hobby.

It’s not a good one,
but it’s a hobby.

I mean, you gotta call
a spade a spade in life.

That’s what I’m
really trying to say.

You gotta call
a spade a spade in life.

Forget all that gibberish
I mentioned before

about priorities and giving
credit where credit’s due.

That was a lot of bull.
I was coming out of
left field on that.

I was just shadow boxing,
bobbing and weaving.

I was just buying time.

I was shucking
and jiving.

Just jumping on the bandwagon
for any rhyme or reason.

I didn’t know
what was happening.

Stop me, Dennis.
I was just sorting
through the mail.

Just letting off
some steam.
Stop me, Dennis.

Kevin, Kevin.
Kevin! Thank you.

Kevin Nealon.

Thank you, Kevin.

Shortly after
this picture was taken,

the man on the far left
slipped and hurt his ankle.

Retired schoolteacher
Ryan Mills

shocked Wall Street today
with a $75 trillion takeover bid

for every publicly
traded company

listed on
the New York Stock Exchange.

When asked
how he would finance the deal,

Mills replied,
"I’m not gonna lie to ya.

This one’s leveraged
to the hilt."

Lotto fever hit New York
again this week,

and like
the old saying goes,

"you gotta be in it
to win it."

But first, you gotta have
a dead-end job

so pathetic, you’re willing
to kill five hours

standing in line for a one
in 25 1/2 million chance

Good luck, everybody!

And this just in.

New York’s record
lottery prize of $45 million

was claimed today
by Raymond Simmons,

an unemployed crack addict
from Brooklyn.

He said he planned
no changes in his lifestyle.

The latest thing in
crime prevention

was unveiled this week
in New York City.

A group calling themselves
the Guardian Santas

appeared on the streets
of Manhattan.

They don’t carry guns,

but rather, hold the criminal
and ring little bells

until the real police
show up.

Millions of Americans
were shocked and saddened

this week when it was revealed
that the United States’

latest state-of-the-art
fighting tool,

the F-117
Ace Stealth fighter

is actually
just a piece of origami.

Since I’ve gotten
so many requests,

and since they’re
here tonight,

I thought I’d once more do
my Susanna Hoffs impression.

Come on in a little.

Come in a little.
This is good.

Susanna Hoffs
of the Bangles. Ready?

Okay, that was it.

Well, Playboymagazine
turned 35 this month,

and altered its corporate logo
accordingly.

A bizarre story
this week.

A Salem state college
press conference says

New York governor
Mario Cuomo

punched himself
on the right side of the head

and knocked himself
unconscious.

The famous age-old rock group
Pink Floyd

visited the Soviet Union
this week,

where their historic album
Dark Side Of The Crescent Moon

has been on the Soviet
top ten list

for the last decade.

Spokesmen for the Soviet
government,

welcoming the group
to Moscow, said,

"Wow. The Floyd, man."

And our Update
fashion photographer

last night got this shot of
Ivana Trump in her nightgown.

On this month’s cover
of Vanity Fairmagazine,

the Reagans are saying
good-bye, saying happy trails,

but underneath it, it says,
"We’re outta here."

Hey, Ronnie,
that’s not fair,

taking my catchphrase
like that.

You never hear me
saying, "Huh? What?"

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

Okay, good night, everybody.

We love you.
Go see Twins!