Original subtitles

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown.

Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest Tracy Chapman.

And starring John Lithgow.

- Where is Fred? - I don’t know.

It’s too late. We just lost the account.

- What do we do now? - I know.

I’m sorry, guys. I hope--

When someone’s kept you waiting,

there’s no better way to let them know

than with a long white beard.

Gruber’s long white beard

is the fast, efficient way

to show them you’ve been held up for literally ages.

Whatever your predicament,

you can strike the perfect tone

with the long white beard.

You’ll make your point without ever having to grope

for that perfect sarcastic phrase.

Mr. President.

Gentlemen, I know I’m late,

but I believe I...

Ouch.

Long white beard, by Gruber.

Hey, guys, how much time do I have?

Still a few minutes to Mass, father.

Oh, good. Then we can finish.

Let’s proceed.

Bless me, father, for I have sinned.

It has been seven months since my last confession.

Seven months is a long time, my son.

That’s seven months for me, father.

Just one month for you.

Ah, yes. Go ahead.

These are my sins.

I walked on the furniture when no one was home.

I chased squirrels three times.

I chewed on shoes four times.

And are you heartily sorry for your misdeeds?

Yes, father, I am.

Then for your penance, you will receive one "That was bad,"

and three "Bad dogs."

Bad dog, bad dog, that was bad, bad dog.

Now go in peace, my son.

Go on, get out. Get out, get out.

Uh, just a minute, father.

These are my sins, father.

I barked at the cat late at night.

I got sprayed by a skunk two times.

I jumped out of my flea bath and ran away.

Go on.

( BARKS )

( BARKS )

Excuse me, father. Excuse me.

You see, I ate my dinner, but I was still really hungry,

and something smelled really good,

so at 3:00 in the morning...

Excuse me a minute.

I knocked over the garbage can, father.

Garbage can. And did you eat anything?

Yes, father.

Bless you.

( BARKS )

I... I ate two chicken bones.

Chicken bones. I see.

Do you know what the penance for that is?

Do you know what this is for?

I should give you five newspapers for that. That is so bad.

You know you are not supposed to eat chicken bones.

But since this is the holiday season,

your only penance is to roll over ten times

and to perform five good works for the cats in your neighborhood.

Oh, thank you, father. Thank you.

I will now absolve you of your sins.

May the Lord have mercy on you,

scratch you between the ears and on the belly,

and keep you out of the neighbor’s yard.

May your barking fall silent at night...

There’s a flea in here, father.

And may you never beg for table scraps.

Bless you, father.

- Now go in peace, you bad dog! Bad dog! - Bless you, father.

You are not to bark. You’re in a sketch.

The Mass is starting, father.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, my son.

Good afternoon, and welcome to St. Bernard’s church.

Our entrance hymn is on page 32.

"A Mighty Fortress Is Our God."

( DOGS HOWLING )

And now, we bring you another page

from the diary of the world’s greatest actor,

Master Thespian.

It is I, Master Thespian.

Ah, Baudelaire, I heard you had become deathly ill.

due to the fact that you had lost the part of Hamlet to me.

But not to worry.

I’ve just the thing to cheer you up.

A ticket to see my performance

as the melancholy Dane. Opening night.

Baudelaire.

Baudelaire?

Baudelaire!

Baudelaire!

I have come too late.

My mentor is dead.

His great heart is cracked with grief,

because I am more talented.

Maybe I shouldn’t have rubbed it in so much.

May I help you?

Oh, no, thank you, doctor. I feel fine.

Baudelaire is hanging by a thread.

His only hope is for Master Thespian to yield up

the role of Hamlet that is rightfully his due.

But Hamlet was meant to be played by an actor, not a ham.

- Oh, really? - Yes!

And he is barely one, at that.

Why don’t you try saying that...

to his face!

Oh, you fooled me!

Acting!

- Genius. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Protege, let me play Hamlet.

It will never happen.

( GROANS DRAMATICALLY )

Betrayal!

My heart doth fail me.

Oh, Baudelaire. Baudelaire.

Sans breath.

Sans warmth.

Sans pulse.

Oh, I have killed my mentor!

( SCREAMS )

He’s already decayed.

- Acting! - Oh, you fooled me.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Now give me that part. - No!

- Upstart. - Pipsqueak.

I’m a Taurus.

Spear carrier!

Ring, ring.

Yes?

Ah, Thespian, it’s for you.

Thank you. Yes?

(FALSETTO VOICE:) Thespian, sorry to bother you.

There will be no show tonight due to--

Excuse me.

Do you mind keeping your voice down?

I am on the phone.

- Yes? - Yes, this is the theater.

There will be no show tonight in honor of the imminent death

of the great Baudelaire.

Oh, how sad. Thank you.

But how did they know I was here?

Ring, ring.

- Yes? - Acting! Again.

- You fooled me again. - Thank you.

Two can play at this game.

Ring, ring.

Yes?

( FALSETTO) There’ll be no show tonight.

Ah, thank you.

There’s no show-- Oh! I fooled myself.

- Genius. - Acting.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Thank you! - Thank you!

By the way, Thespian, who was that on the phone?

Oh, the theater. There’s no show tonight, in honor of your death.

Ah, yes, my death.

Oh, sweet angel of death.

Kiss me on the cheek

whilst your blade of deathly death

doth death me.

My heart hails not the sweet cab of life.

Oh, Thespian,

I’m slipping away.

What can I do?

Let us quickly squeeze in the final lesson du jour.

Oh, yes, yes.

Go, Baudelaire. I am all ears.

The death scene is the life blood of the theater.

You must learn it in three stages.

The first stage is denial.

No, no!

- Good. - Thank you.

The second stage is realization.

My God, I’m dying!

- Excellent. - Thank you.

And the final stage of death is acceptance.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the academy.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Thank you!

Oh, Baudelaire, I am dying.

I’m dying. I’m finished.

The show must go on, and so I, the great Baudelaire,

shall assay Hamlet tonight myself.

- Would you mind? - Not at all.

For I am already in costume.

Oh! Oh, if only I could be there to see it.

This is your lucky day, for I just happen to have a ticket.

Loge. Loge!

My audience awaits.

But Thespian, how can you come? I thought you were dying.

Don’t be silly. Acting.

Brilliant!

- Thank you. - Thank you.

It’s...

With your host, Pat Stevens.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Pat Stevens Show.

I’m Pat Stevens.

You know, I’m not just reading my Vogue.

I’m smelling it, too.

Ahhh! That was Cher.

I think we’ve smelled Catherine Deneuve

and Liz Taylor, too, but one scent has been missing.

My own.

Well, this month, you can smell me

in the privacy of your own Vogue,

because now I’m debuting my very own fragrance.

I call it Uninhabited.

It’s all mine.

If I can...

Oh, that’s the essence that says,

Hi. I’m Pat Stevens.

Actually, mine is a mixture of Cher and Liz

with a little twist of Old Spice.

It works.

And it’s available at all fine Zayre stores.

I’m uninhabited.

You can be uninhabited, too.

Stocking stuffers.

Well, it’s time to welcome my very special guest,

all the way from jolly old England,

welcome please Margaret Thatcher.

I believe you sit first.

My, you are some tall drink of water.

Have you ever tried modeling?

Oh, why, thank you. No, Pat, I have not.

Now, Princess Margaret, this is the first time

I’ve had royalty on my show.

So tell me, is it true that Charles and Di

are leading separate lives? It’s such a shame.

Pat, I am the prime minister of Great Britain,

and I did not come here to engage in gossip

about the royal family.

Their lives are under an incredible amount of scrutiny,

and being a public figure myself--

Oh, tell me about being a public figure.

I can’t walk through this studio without people saying,

"Hi, Pat. How are you today?"

Sometimes, I just don’t have the answer.

The purpose of my visit here in the United States

was to bid farewell to a close friend and ally,

Ronald Reagan.

Oh, so you’ve been to the White House.

Quite a place, isn’t it?

What am I telling you for? You live in a castle.

No, no. I do not live in a castle.

Buckingham Palace is occupied by the queen of England.

My residence as prime minister is 10 Downing Street.

Oh, please, forget that she said that.

Margaret, don’t ever give your address on television.

The amount of crank mail you’ll get will boggle your senses.

My address is not a secret.

Not anymore. This is syndicated television.

Well, let me hurl a tough one at you.

Why didn’t you pipe up when Fergie named the baby Beatrice?

Nobody likes the name.

Pat, if you would just listen to me for one moment,

perhaps I could straighten this out.

- My runway is yours. - Thank you.

I am not a member of the royal family.

I am the prime minister of England,

which is to say, the political head of the government.

While Queen Elizabeth is our revered monarch,

she is without political power.

In other words, I make the important decisions.

Oh, don’t ask me to make a decision.

I was in Bloomingdale’s three hours trying to decide on a skin care system.

Are you oily or dry?

Actually, I have a combination skin.

Really? Whoa, that’s one scratchy surface, lady.

Are you moisturizing?

Yes, of course.

I have a very strict skin care regime.

First I cleanse, then I moisturize.

Next, I use mild clarifying tonic

to seal everything in.

What about the eye area?

Oh, yes, that’s a good question, Pat.

There are no sebaceous glands under the eye,

so when using an eye cream,

we have to gently pat around the eye area.

Otherwise, you’ll puff up.

Well, you are one fascinating woman.

Finally, a world leader who has something to say.

Thank you, Pat.

And I might add, I never vary my routine.

I didn’t even change it during the Falklands war.

Well, I didn’t either,

but of course, I didn’t even know it happened.

And, Pat, let me tell you,

an old remedy to reduce that puffiness around your eyes, tea bags.

Puffiness? Please!

Let’s not be that fascinating.

I think we’re running out of a little time.

We don’t wanna go into my puffiness.

There you have it.

You’ve been watching...

With your host, Pat Stevens.

Now wait a minute. That’s not a tester.

You can pick that up on your way to the airport

at the duty-free shop. I wasn’t giving you that.

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

George Bush this week also met with

British prime minister Margaret Thatcher.

Right after this photo was taken,

Mrs. Thatcher said, "The president-elect

"was remarkably candid about himself.

Maybe a little too candid for my taste."

Here’s a rare photograph that includes

Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher’s

seldom-seen husband Denis Thatcher.

You don’t usually see this guy out in public.

Maggie likes to keep him running around 10 Downing Street

barefoot and pregnant.

This week, President-elect Bush

started filling out his administration

by appointing as his White House chief of staff

New Hampshire governor John Sununu.

Sununu will go down in history

as the first presidential staff member

whose name reads exactly the same upside down.

Having appointed Sununu,

and Treasury Secretary Nicholas Brady,

and Secretary of State James Baker,

President-elect Bush streamlined the process this week

when he appointed Mr. Drysdale’s assistant,

Miss Hathaway, as the secretary of everything else.

She said her first endeavor in the White House

would be to get Granny to move the still

away from the cement pond.

On Wednesday, Massachusetts governor John Kerry

apologized for telling a joke

about Vice-President-elect Dan Quayle that offended some.

At a breakfast the day before,

Kerry retold a joke he had heard,

saying that if Bush was shot,

the Secret Service is under orders

to shoot Quayle.

Kerry apologized for his mis-statement

and said what he meant to actually say was

that if Bush is shot, everybody else in the country

should kill themselves.

President-elect Bush received a call

from former president Nixon this week,

reportedly asking for a presidential pardon.

When Bush pointed out that Nixon had already received a pardon

from Gerald Ford, Nixon replied, "I know,

but I’ve done some bad things since then."

And if it’s Wednesday night on the big island,

it’s gotta be the Marcos’ dance night.

Here we see the kids just about to step out

for an evening on the town.

Well, she’s stepping. He’s rolling out.

And Benazir Bhutto,

leader of the opposition party in Pakistan,

won a big victory this week.

Bhutto scored heavily on the issue

of her opponent’s weekend furlough

of a convicted Hindu murderer, Rasheed Mohandas Horton,

who terrorized a Muslim couple in Islamabad.

Horton stabbed the husband,

and ripped the veil off the wife.

On Thursday in London, England,

the Miss World pageant was held,

and the winner for the fourth consecutive year

was Night Court’s John Larroquette.

And now, here to share one of his special poems with us

is the legendary Jimmy Stewart. Hello, Jimmy.

Hi there, Dennis. It’s good to see you. Good to see you.

This is a little poem I wrote for my dog Blue.

This is the story of my old dog Blue.

Man’s best friend, me and you.

Old Blue would scratch at me and Gloria’s door at night.

It meant he wanted to sleep with us,

and he’d had a fright.

His bark was worse than his bite, was my belief.

Maybe that’s because Blue no longer had any teeth.

One day, Blue was very still where he lay.

You’d say, Come here, boy,

and he’d just stay.

You see, poor old Blue had passed away.

At night now, I wait to hear that little scratch at the door,

and I wait, and I wait,

and then I realize Blue isn’t with us anymore.

I miss his little doggy nose,

his floppy ears, and his teeny head.

It doesn’t much matter now.

He’s just dead.

Jimmy, that’s beautiful.

Well, that was Blue. That was Blue.

It’s not that bad, Dennis.

He’s resting. He’s just resting.

He was pretty sick, you know.

He’s better off.

He wasn’t that good a dog.

He couldn’t do any tricks or anything.

He smelled a lot.

Real smelly. Kind of a urine-y smell.

Lotsa doggy poo everywhere.

Gloria’s still trying to clean the carpets,

for cryin’ out loud.

He was a nasty dog. Used to bite children.

You couldn’t wait for him to die.

Would you quit cryin’, Dennis?

I never had a dog. Are you happy?

What are you, a woman here?

Maybe you should name yourself Denise Miller.

Your hair’s long enough for it.

You can make three pigtails outta what you got hangin’ back there.

Cool it with the hair, Jimmy.

Sorry, Dennis.

It’s just a poem about...

my dog Blue.

Don’t start with that again.

You’re just a wussy.

You’re like a little girl or something.

Just cry, cry, cry.

Little girl. Wussy.

Jimmy Stewart.

Probably why you don’t see me acting more on the show.

Recurring doubts surrounding the death 25 years ago

of John F. Kennedy,

prompted a Senate committee this week

to reopen an investigation into the assassination.

The new inquiry will be headed up by Angela Lansbury,

who says she expects to solve the caper

in a special two-hour Murder She Wrote

later this season.

After a landmark consumer protection ruling this week,

lawn darts, the popular outdoor target game,

was removed from department store shelves.

A nationwide compliance with the ban

has a leading toy manufacturer worried about the future

of its latest creations, Scissor-Chuck and Razor-Bee.

And today, there was a tragic new development

in the continuing story of those two Alaskan gray whales

recently released from the ice.

Apparently, the little Texas child, baby Jessica,

has now gotten herself trapped

in one of the whale’s blow holes.

Settle down. She’s okay.

It’s just a joke. I know she’s okay.

I read it in People.

Okay, reporting the news is one thing,

but understanding is something else.

Here with a commentary on this subject

is Weekend Updatecorrespondent Jon Lovitz. Hello, Jon.

Thank you, Dennis.

As you know, George Bush will be our next president,

and like all presidents before him,

he has promised a brighter future

for all Americans.

Poppycock!

You wanna get ahead in this life?

Then I have one piece of advice for you.

Get to know me!

Get to know my ups, my downs,

my smiles, my frowns.

What makes me walk, what makes me talk,

what makes me think, what makes me stink.

Get to know me.

Now here’s one of the first letters I ever received.

"Dear Jon, before I got to know you,

"I was nothing, nowhere, nobody.

"I was small and wrinkly.

"I didn’t like people, and they didn’t like me.

"Then I got to know you.

"Well, I’m still pretty shriveled,

but today, they call me Mother Teresa."

Get to know me!

How do I swim so fast? Are my feet really webbed?

Why do I love the letter "Ssssss"?

Get to know me!

Now here’s a letter from a man

who started to get to know me, then stopped.

A very dangerous thing to do.

"Dear Jo--

"I started to get to know you, then stopped.

"The following day, I was completely bald.

Signed, Sy Sperling of the Hair Club."

Coincidence? I think not.

Get to know me. How old is my liver?

Do I dye my teeth?

Why are women crazy about me?

What do I have in common with an elephant?

If you tickle me, do I not throw up?

Get to know me.

And now, here’s a letter from a resident of the east.

"Dear Jon, before I got to know you,

"I was nothing, nowhere, nobody.

"I was short with black hair,

"and was told I’d amount to nothing.

"Then, I got to know you.

"Well, I’m still not too tall,

"and my hair’s still black.

But today, they call me Japan."

Get to know me!

- Thank you, Jon. - Thank you, Dennis.

Thank you, Jon.

Good news for couples with fertility problems.

Scientists at Stanford University have developed

the first laboratory-synthesized sperm cells.

The medical breakthrough is expected to be on the market

early next year under the brand name...

You gotta feel for Mickey Mouse.

Poor rodent. His whole life,

he’s got Donald and Goofy trying to steal his thunder.

Finally, he has his 60th birthday,

and he has to share the limelight

with some kid who turns 40 and has even bigger ears.

It was revealed this week that every building in Manhattan

is now either a fax machine outlet,

a Benetton, or a comedy club.

And by now, TV viewers are well aware

that Oprah Winfrey has lost 67 pounds

on a four-month supervised liquid diet program.

Not to be outdone, her competitor Phil Donahue

secretly went on a super-crash diet,

and today announced he’s down to 25 pounds.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

Oh, Marge honey, you outdid yourself.

Oh, I don’t know. That turkey was a little dry,

and I know the rolls could’ve been better.

Oh, nonsense. It was the best darn Thanksgiving we’ve ever had.

Oh, you’re the sweetest.

Oh, look at what those boys are doing.

Donny, Carl, Dwayne, all of you come out of there.

Donna and Beverly and I are gonna do the dishes. Go on in.

( ALL LAUGHING AND GROANING )

Your wife’s gotta be the best cook in Indiana.

Oh, yeah, Mom knows how to cook, all right.

Oh, you know it. My eyes are bigger than my stomach.

Let’s see if the game’s on here.

No, not yet.

Well, we might as well just sit here and wait for it to come on.

( ALL GROANING )

Gosh, that was a great meal.

That’s a good idea.

You know, you three kids ate like you had a hollow leg.

You know what? It’s on the wrong station.

Oh, don’t get up. I got the remote right here.

Yoo-hoo. Hello.

Would my boys like a beer with the game?

- Dwayne? - No.

Oh, okay.

- Carl, Bob, Donny? - Sure.

Help yourselves. Take it on down there.

There you go. And I know my Dan wants one.

- Oh, yeah. - Here we go.

Thank you, darlin’.

I’ll be back to check on you in just a minute.

It’s so good to have my boys with me again.

Oh!

Boy, you’re a lucky guy, Dan.

If you weren’t my brother,

I’d try to steal Margie from you.

( LOUD BELCHING )

Oh, boy, that felt good.

Oh, I envy you that one.

I’m tellin’ you, Bob.

Diet starts tomorrow.

You better believe it.

I’m on that see food diet. I see food, I eat it.

ALL: Oh, yeah.

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

Hey, Kitten.

Mom sent me out with some bridge mix

and some beer nuts for the ball game.

Thanks, sweetheart.

- Thanks. - You’re welcome.

Holler if you need anything.

That was real sweet of her.

Oh, boy, Dan, this is the life.

Oh, yeah.

Dontcha wish you could live like this every day?

- Oh, yes, sir. - Oh, it doesn’t get any better than this.

Yoo-hoo. Would anyone like a sandwich

before I put the turkey away?

ALL: No.

Then how about a big slice of pumpkin pie

with some whipped cream on it?

- Oh, all right. - Okay.

Why don’t I just bring everyone a slice,

and you can choose if you want it or not?

Okay? Okay.

And, um, what would you like to drink with your pie?

Another beer.

Okay. Beer and pie all the way around then?

- Okay. - Let me help you, sweetheart.

No, no, no, no. Now it’s no trouble.

I love to do for my family.

When I see my boys like this,

I know why God made mothers.

Boy, Dan, you got the life of Riley here.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, look here. The game’s about to start.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, wasn’t this your alma mater?

Oh, yeah.

I guess I’m gonna be the last one

that’s gonna be awake for this game.

It’s gonna be one hell of a game.

Oh, look at this.

It feels so good

to have the family together for Thanksgiving.

Just makes the house seem alive again.

And having discussed the smallest bone,

the cochlea in the inner ear,

let us turn now to the largest bone,

the femur, or the thigh bone.

Now the femur in the adult male

can range from 18 to 32 inches,

whereas the female, a length of 12 to 24 inches,

is more common.

The femur is, of course, located right here...

( SHRIEKS )

Oh, excuse me.

At one end of the femur, the bone thickens

into a pulpy, bulbous protrusion,

which fits neatly into the pelvis,

creating a ball and socket joint

known as the hip.

As you can see, the hip is...

( SHRIEKS )

Excuse me.

Okay, directly above the pelvis,

we find the ribs and the vertebrae.

The ribs join at the sternum,

which is the flat area... ( SHRIEKS )

Look, uh, class dismissed.

It’s been six years, Dan.

Haven’t you licked this problem yet?

I can’t help it. I get so scared every time I see it.

You’ve got to get a grip on yourself.

You’re the finest professor of osteology on the east coast.

Remember, a skeleton is a very natural thing.

Every one of us has a skeleton in his body.

( SHRIEKS )

Oh. Oh, right. I knew that.

I’ve given this some thought, Dan.

Maybe you should get yourself a skeleton

that is less scary.

Hmm.

Yes, I can do that.

The vertebrae then serves two functions.

They form the trunk, or main support of the entire skeleton,

and they protect the spinal cord.

As you will notice, they are connected by

a series of soft, flexible...

( GASPS )

Uh... ligaments, known as disks.

But even the vertebrae are not as complicated

as the wrist.

If we examine the wrist closely...

( WHIMPERS )

Excuse me.

We see thousands of tiny bones.

Look, tomorrow, we’ll discuss the foot.

Class dismissed.

Any improvement at all?

Well, maybe a little.

It used to be scary.

Now it’s just... startling.

But I do have a lead on a place that makes tiny skeletons.

Oh, Dan, I don’t think that’s the answer.

You know, sometimes, in situations like this,

a silly costume can help.

Silly costume.

Yeah.

Now the kneecap is a small, bony plate

which is not attached to any other bone directly

but rather is held in place by four muscles

which are located here.

( LAUGHTER )

Oh, that’s great!

Oh, man. All right.

So the lowermost of these muscles

is anchored to the top of the tibia,

or shin bone, which we can find over here.

Oh, that really cracks me up. It’s great.

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

- Hi, Dan. - Hi, Dean.

I’m sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted to drop by and see how you were doing.

Well, Dan, I think I’m cured.

Here. Take a look.

( SCREAMS ) A pirate!

Help me!

No, Dan, Dan, it’s not a real pirate.

Here, look.

Thanks, everybody. Thanks for watching.