Original subtitles

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guests Johnny Clegg and Savuka.

And starring Demi Moore.

Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore.

This has been a very exciting year for me.

I got married, I spent my summer in Paducah,

and just 12 weeks ago, I had a beautiful baby girl.

And then, they called me last week and asked me

if I’d like to host Saturday Night Live,

and I said, "Gee, I’d love to, but you see,

"I just had a baby 12 weeks ago.

Can I do the show later in the year?"

And they said no.

So I said I’m really flattered to be asked,

but it’s not easy to pack up a 12-week-old baby

fly 3,000 miles, when your husband is working,

and be alone in a strange city.

And they said, "Look, do you wanna do the show or not?"

So I thought about it, and I love the show,

and I couldn’t resist the challenge.

When my daughter was born 12 weeks ago,

I promised myself I wouldn’t let my work interfere

with being a mother.

But I also made a decision not to let being a mother

interfere with my work.

Basically, I want it all. I wanna be a good mother,

and I wanna be a good host.

So here I am, my baby’s asleep in my dressing room,

her daddy’s watching her, and remember,

I had a baby just 12 weeks ago.

And look at me.

We’re gonna have a great show!

We have Johnny Clegg and Savuka,

and we’ll be right back!

( ARGUING LOUDLY )

Seems no two people can agree on

the sparkling new cooler from Neuburg’s.

Tastes good!

Tastes bad!

- Tastes good! - Tastes bad!

- Tastes good! - Tastes bad!

( BLOWS WHISTLE )

But no matter what you think of Neuburg’s Bleu Cheese cooler,

there is one thing everyone can agree on.

Neuburg’s uses only the finest ingredients--

dry white California wine, sparking water,

an aged bleu cheese ripened in Denmark.

That’s why it has that unique taste

that one out of every two people can handle.

Oh, there is one other thing about Neuburg’s

that everyone can agree on.

The way it smells.

ALL: Bad!

Everything you always wanted in a bleu cheese cooler.

It’s time for Dr. Know It All.

Today...

Hi, Dr. Know It All. Can we come in?

Why, sure, Tommy. Hi, Becky.

Gosh, Dr. Know It All,

why do you have your vacuum cleaner on the counter?

Well, I’m conducting a little experiment with air pressure.

Becky, why don’t you get Charlie the gerbil out of his cage,

and put him in the box here.

Come on, little fella.

He’s a frisky little-- You got him?

Okay, excellent.

Okay, Tommy, you can turn on the vacuum cleaner.

Here it goes.

( SQUEALING )

Okay, Tommy, if you’d snap it off.

All right. Becky, maybe you can tell me what happened.

Well, I think Charlie is inside the vacuum cleaner.

That’s right.

Why? And remember,

we’re dealing with air pressure.

Um, well...

Now, is the air pressure inside the vacuum cleaner

greater or less than the air pressure

outside the vacuum? Becky.

Um, it’s greater.

Tommy?

Less?

So, Becky, you say the air pressure is...

Greater.

And Tommy, you say the air pressure is...

- Less. - Now think about this, Becky.

The gerbil moved into the vacuum cleaner,

which means the air pressure inside is...

Oh, less.

Less. That’s correct.

So Tommy, that means you are...

Smart.

No, no.

You’re right, and that means Becky is...

Wrong.

That’s right. Now why is Becky wrong?

Because she didn’t understand that.

No.

Because she didn’t know about--

No. Becky is wrong because she’s a girl.

Becky is wrong because she is a girl,

and this is science.

Yes. Okay.

Now let’s step over to the aquarium.

Gosh, Dr. Know It All,

where’d you get all those fish?

Well, I got them at the market. Yes, I did.

Now Tommy, if you’ll take the net,

I’ll bet you’ll be able to get one of those fish out,

and we’ll do another little experiment with what?

- Air pressure. - Okay.

I think I got one.

Okay, good. Move him over here to the counter.

Look at him go.

( ALL EXCLAIMING )

Why does he flop around like that?

Well, maybe you can tell me.

Because the pressure outside the tank

is lower than inside the tank?

No. He’s flopping around because he can’t...

Swim?

- No. - He can’t stand up?

No, he can’t br...

BOTH: Breathe.

That’s right! He can’t breathe.

Look, he stopped.

Oh, he looks dead.

Yes, he does. Why?

Why does he look dead?

Because we talked too...

Loud?

- No, we talked too... - Talked to God.

No, we talked too long.

- Oh! - We talked too long.

Now what have we learned about air pressure so far?

Well, we’ve learned that

the pressure inside the vacuum is less,

Tommy’s right, Becky’s wrong,

she’s a girl, this is science,

the fish is dead, and we talked too long.

- We talked too long. - Gosh, Dr. Know It All,

I never know what I’m gonna learn when I come here.

Well, Becky, we’re not finished. Come on over here.

Do you know what this is?

It’s the planets of our solar system.

That’s right. Tommy and I made these last week,

by putting papier-mâché over balloons.

Hey, Dr. Know It All, we were using air pressure.

Yes, we were, inside the balloons. Very good.

Now I made the four outer planets,

and Tommy made these planets.

Look at my planets.

They look good.

But Tommy’s planets look...

Small?

No. Bad.

The planets you made look bad.

Right, Becky?

- Yes. - Yes, they do.

That’s because Tommy’s a boy, and I’m a...

Man.

That’s right, Becky.

I’m a man, so my work is much better.

Now, let’s come over here.

Here’s some balloons for you.

Becky, I want you to fill these up with water,

and Tommy, you take this blindfold and stand over there.

*

Oh, I hear our theme, and that means we’re just about out of time.

We’ll have to save this experiment for another day, okay?

Okay. Well, bye for now.

MAN: Sometimes it’s lonely being a businessman.

That’s why you need...

So what color of suit do you like? Blue or gray?

Well, I think I lean toward gray.

I like gray, but blue is good, too.

Yes, it is.

WOMAN: Businessman’s Chatter Line can handle

up to 14 businessmen at one time.

So, do you live in the city or do you commute?

- Oh, I commute. - Me, too.

I used to live in the city, but now, I commute.

With Businessman’s Chatter Line,

you can make crazy new friends.

So what sports do you guys play?

- Golf. - Golf.

I don’t play anything, but I was think of taking up golf.

Yeah, that’s what I play. Golf.

Only five tax-deductible dollars per minute,

plus tolls, if any.

MAN: No non-businessmen, please.

Crank calls will be prosecuted.

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

New Yorkers reacted drastically

to Tuesday’s election results

as 22,000 people attempted a mass suicide

off the Verrazano Bridge over New York harbor.

And in the wake of Dukakis’ defeat,

the recriminations are flying.

Democrats are pointing fingers of blame

at Dukakis campaign managers Susan Estrich

campaign chairman Paul Brountas,

and co-chair John Sasso.

But ya know, if you ask me,

I always felt that a fish loses from the head down.

The big story this week, of course, is the election,

and the next president will be George Bush, the Republican.

I say this because a recent NBC news poll

shows that 60% of Saturday Night Liveviewers

get all or most of their news from Weekend Update.

And now that the election is over,

I think a little self-examination is in order.

Did we, at Weekend Update,

contribute to a campaign that was dreadfully short on issues?

A little mea culpa here.

On the week that George Bush gave a major speech

on trade policy, we did a joke

comparing Marilyn Quayle’s hair to Laura Petrie’s.

And the week Michael Dukakis outlined his defense strategy,

we did a joke comparing Quayle’s head

to a pumpkin with no candle in it.

So yes, we could’ve done better,

but we’re only human.

And all I can say is, we’ll have to try harder.

In the news this week,

President-elect George Bush this week finally owned up

and admitted that the only reason

he chose Dan Quayle as his running mate

was to guarantee that no one would attempt to assassinate him

in the next four years.

"This guy is a walking, breathing bulletproof vest,"

said Bush.

Amidst all the questions about Dan Quayle’s competency,

the order of succession to the presidency

has become a major issue in Washington.

By U.S. law, should anything happen to the president,

the vice-president, of course, takes over.

But it’s been recommended that the law should be changed.

The suggested new order of succession is as follows:

...and then Quayle.

I think we’ll all sleep a little easier tonight.

Democratic vice-presidential candidate Lloyd Bentsen

announced on Wednesday

that he will now return to his old job

as the grandfather clock on the Captain Kangarooshow.

And now, Weekend Update has an exclusive interview

with Imelda Marcos

as we go live to her home in Hawaii via satellite.

Mrs. Marcos, can you hear me?

This is Dennis Miller of Weekend Update.

Yes, I can hear you.

Mrs. Marcos, how are you feeling now

faced with the possibility of prison?

Prison? My God, I’m a prisoner now!

My husband is very sick, we have been stripped of our dignity.

My God, we have nothing.

What about those three big buildings in Manhattan?

They are not that big.

They are not that big.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Howell.

Are we supposed to think that you and Thurston

are helping the Professor make radio headphones out of coconut shells?

Come on! This is Dennis. Level with me, baby!

Okay, okay, we took the money.

I admit it, damn it. We took it.

And we knew what to do with it, damn it.

You better believe it, man.

We ripped off the whole Philippine National Treasury, buster.

We had a lot of money, you better believe it.

And let me tell you something.

I knew how to party. I was the party.

I was hot. Let me tell you.

I could disco all night long

and look like a million bucks the next day.

Damn you. Damn you, buddy.

Damn you to hell.

I partied with George Hamilton, get it?

George Hamilton. I had a life, man.

You better believe it.

You can’t touch what I had.

Now all I have is my husband Ferdinand.

He’s some barrel of monkeys, yeah.

You think I can teach a trick to that old dog?

He’s a drag.

This is no paradise. This is hell on earth.

Hawaii! Who do you think I’m partying with, Don Ho?

I’m a broken woman, I’m telling you.

But I’m coming back. Don’t worry, I’m coming back.

I’m coming back.

* Fame, I’m gonna live forever *

* Light up the sky like a flame, fame *

* I’m going to live forever *

( STATIC )

I think we’ve lost her. Thank you, Imelda.

You know, you’re looking amazingly lifelike as of late.

And the Pillsbury Doughboy donned boxing gloves

in recent financial ads to show his company’s resistance

to hostile corporate takeovers.

The move brought fight promoter Don King

to announce that Sugar Ray Leonard

will meet the Doughboy for 15 rounds

next month in Atlantic City.

Leonard says his fight strategy is to go for the head,

since every time he hit the guy in the stomach,

he just giggles.

This week, the Air Force unveiled

the first official photos of its stealth fighter.

A spokesman for Ralph Nader said,

"We’re not quite comfortable with the design."

Long-distance runner Joan Benoit

suffered a bad fall in the last miles

of the New York City marathon on Sunday

when she collided with a young spectator.

The child was okay, but Benoit had to be destroyed.

She didn’t really. Little joke.

Okay, uh...

A lot of these are jokes.

Lately, a lot of attention has been paid

to stress and its effect on baby boomers.

And now, with an editorial on the pressures of modern life in America,

here’s Updatecorrespondent Victoria Jackson.

- Hello, Victoria. - Hi, Dennis.

Thank you, Dennis.

Let me begin by saying that a new study shows

that the 30-something generation,

of which I am a member,

is the most anxiety-ridden, emotionally unstable generation

in our nation’s history.

In a recent issue of the Sunday New York Times,

I read a very frightening statistic...

( PIANO MUSIC PLAYS )

that my fellow baby boomers are so chronically depressed,

we are more prone to suicide, divorce,

drug and alcohol addiction

because of outside pressures and goals

we have set up for ourselves

which are highly unrealistic.

* That’s why we’re all in therapy *

* Or low-impact aerobics *

* Or reaching out to anything that’s new *

* But I have found a way to keep anxiety at bay *

* And I would like to share now with you *

* I read the news in the press *

* Most of us will die of stress *

* Unless we dance old chronic depression away *

* We want power and control *

* That’s a really unhealthy goal *

* It’s time to dance old chronic depression away *

* If your back’s against the wall *

* ’Cause your career’s in the stall *

* Then don’t jump out the office window *

* ’Cause the sidewalk will break your fall *

* Shake the blahs, take a chance *

* Roll up the carpet and move the plants *

* Just dance, dance, dance depression away *

* If you want to shake the blues *

* Just turn off the evening news *

* Turn off the lights, turn on the music *

* Put on your dancing shoes *

* And you’ll stop feeling paranoid *

* You don’t have to be Sigmund Freud *

* Dance old Mr. Chronic Depression *

* Call the shrink and cancel the session *

* Dance old Mr. Chronic Depression away *

Yeah!

I feel better already.

Thank you.

Thank you, Victoria.

Hey, give me back that five.

Isn’t it ironic that Herman Wouk’s War and Remembrance

cost $110 million to produce

when World War II itself only cost 80 million?

A massive doughnut slide killed 3,000 in Tunisia this week.

Another update on that whale story.

The two whales surfaced again this week

as they popped up through the ice

in somebody’s Big Gulp outside a 7-Eleven

in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

And this week,

this happened somewhere in the mid-west.

The movie sequel Ernest Saves Christmas

was released this week,

one of the biblical signs that Armageddon is near.

And Meryl Streep’s new film The Life of Emo Phillips

was released yesterday.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

Franz, are you sleeping?

No, Hans.

I was just counting stars.

Listen to me now and believe me later.

You can’t count all the stars, Franz.

It’s like trying to count all your muscles.

Yes, you are right.

The universe is so vast.

I was just thinking, Hans.

Suppose we were just a tiny speck of a muscle

inside another larger muscle,

inside even another larger muscle.

It boggles my mind just talking about it.

Okay, then, enough talk.

We’re not here to talk. We’re here to...

BOTH: Get some rest.

Hans, are you sleeping?

No, Franz. I was just thinking.

If the universe is never-ending,

that means, if we took our properly pumped-up muscles

and laid them end to end,

still they would not reach the end.

That is hard to comprehend.

Hans, would you ever go up in a rocket ship to Mars?

No, Franz, because then I would be weightless,

and that is my worst nightmare.

Yeah, good thinking, Hans.

You know, they could never have a weightlifting competition on Mars

because even a puny-sized man

could lift a man-sized weight.

Ja.In weightlifting competitions in the future,

they’re going to have to watch that very carefully.

Hans, I cannot sleep.

I’m going to get up and have a nice, hot cup of protein drink.

I think I will join you.

( COYOTE HOWLING )

What was that?

- What was what? - ( HOWLING CONTINUES )

That!

I don’t know, but if I was a wild bear,

thinking about attacking a certain campsite,

I would think twice now, and think about it again later.

Listen to me now and hear me later, Mr. Bear.

If you think that we are easy prey,

then take a look at this.

- Listen. - ( RUSTLING SOUNDS )

Listen to me now.

We can very easily...

BOTH: pump you up.

Pump you up.

Pump you up.

Hi, fellas, how’s it goin’?

( BOTH EXCLAIMING )

Oh, sorry to scare you guys.

I was doin’ the rounds.

It’s gonna be five bucks for the campsite,

but you can pay on the way out.

You do not frighten us.

We do not scare that easily.

No, you are sadly mistaken, my friend.

Well, whenever.

By the way, the showers are up at the top of the hill there,

and the snack bar is closin’ in about ten minutes,

so if you need... Hey, wait a minute.

Aren’t you those two guys in the cable thing, the exercise thing?

Yeah, I am Hans.

And I am Franz.

BOTH: And we just want to pump you up.

Ja,that is us. Ja.

I thought so.

Well, have a good night.

I suppose you want our autograph, huh?

Nah, that’s okay.

No, don’t be too shy about it, Mr. Ranger.

We get that stuff all the time.

What would I do with an autograph out here?

Why don’t you get it for your girlfriend?

Uh, that’s okay.

Once again, sorry if I scared you guys.

He did not scare us.

No, I was not scared.

I’m not scared.

Don’t give yourself too much credit, Mr. Out of Shape Ranger Man.

Yeah, Mr. Smokey the Bear Man.

If you think you scared us, my friend,

then you are a dreamer.

Yeah, and dreamers are in for a rude awakening.

Yeah, maybe we should wake you up

by putting a bear trap in your bed,

and then, having it snap your flabby fanny.

Ja,but you will not even feel it,

and then, we will be stuck with some trap flab.

Ja,hear me. That’s right. Hear me now and...

( CAMPERS COMPLAINING )

Hey, don’t be telling us what to do, campers.

Where do you get off yelling at us?

Yeah, listen to me now, believe me later.

If we have to come over there,

you will be between a rock and a hard place.

That’s right. In other words, between Hans and Franz.

All right.

All right, enough talk.

We’re not here to talk.

BOTH: We’re here to get some rest.

Hans, are you asleep?

No, Franz.

I was just wondering.

What if, at the end of the universe,

there was this big wall of muscle?

Yeah, and what would be on the other side of that muscle wall?

It just boggles my mind talking about it.

Me, too.

This is it, the place I’ve been tellin’ you about.

Oh, Mike, this is perfect.

I figure I’ve been promising you a summer cabin for so long,

the least I could do is find a place to build it on.

Mike, it’s wonderful. I don’t even know what to say.

Well, it’s not built yet.

This would make a great place for a picture window,

- facing right out here. - Yeah, yeah.

( LOUD RATTLING )

Whatever you do,

don’t move.

What? ( GASPS )

Don’t move.

There’s a rattlesnake right beside you.

Oh, Mike.

Okay, just don’t move a muscle.

Just remain perfectly still.

( RATTLING CONTINUES )

Okay, I’m gonna reload now.

Mike, do something.

It’s okay, it’s okay.

He looks real mad that you shot at him.

- Just hold on. - ( SCREAMS )

Oh, it bit me.

Okay, don’t move. Just stay still or he might bite you again.

- Just hold still. - ( SCREAMS )

He bit me again. Oh, Mike, it hurts.

Okay, don’t worry. It’ll get numb in a minute.

You just hold still.

Ow. You shot me in the elbow.

He bit me again!

Okay, the gun thing’s not working.

I’m gonna try something else.

Okay, stay perfectly still.

I think that knife getting thrown at him

is really making him madder.

He’s giving me a really weird look.

- All right, just don’t look at him. - Okay.

All right, honey, very slowly,

do exactly as I say.

Reach down very slowly,

and pick up my hunting knife.

Oh...

I don’t think he likes me doing this.

Very slowly. Now toss it back here gently.

Gently. That’s it. Okay.

Oh, he bit me again.

Just stay perfectly still.

Did I get him? Looked like he jerked a little bit or something.

No, that was him biting me again.

Can I just move now? I’ll move out real fast.

No, no, don’t move. Don’t move, okay?

I see what’s happening here.

The knife thing’s not working.

Oh, Mike, I’m starting to see rockets.

Just stay still. Stay perfectly still.

I’m gonna lasso him.

Maybe I can just slip away.

He’s probably out of poison by now.

No, no, he’s a big one.

He’s a big one, honey, and he’s got plenty of poison.

Just don’t move. Okay.

All right.

Now the loop has to be big enough

to pull the rope through the air,

but small enough to get around his neck

so that when I pull it tight,

I don’t have to tighten it too much.

Does that make sense to you?

Oh, Mike, he just bit me three more times.

Okay, just stay still.

Oh, he bit me again, Mike.

I know, I know. I know.

Okay. All right. He’s getting slower, though, have you noticed?

No.

All right, listen, I got an idea.

I got a good idea.

It’s crazy, but it might work.

Okay? All right.

Honey, with your open hand,

reach down very, very slowly,

and grab the snake.

Grab the snake? He’ll bite me some more.

No, he won’t.

You’ve gotta trust me. Do you trust me?

- Oh, yes. - Okay.

Okay, very slowly, reach down.

Just reach down. That’s it.

That’s it, now...

Oh, he’s biting me. I told you.

It’s okay, it’s okay.

Reach a little closer. Reach closer.

Now grab him. Grab the snake.

Ow! Ow!

Ignore him. Throw him down. Throw him down there.

Okay, where’d he go?

Okay, I don’t see him.

He’s gone. Okay. That’s the important thing.

Okay, he’s gone.

All right. Okay, honey.

Honey, whatever you do, don’t move.

There’s a tarantula on your shoulder.

Oh, shut up and just get me to the doctor.

Okay, remain calm. That’s the important thing.

You gotta remain calm.

I just wanna say, this has been

one of the most exciting weeks of my life,

and I wanna thank the cast and crew

for making it that way.

The only other thing is that life is good.

Thank you.