All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E05.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Musical guests
Johnny Clegg and Savuka.

And starring
Demi Moore.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Demi Moore.

This has been
a very exciting year for me.

I got married,
I spent my summer in Paducah,

and just 12 weeks ago,
I had a beautiful baby girl.

And then, they called me
last week and asked me

if I’d like to host
Saturday Night Live,

and I said, "Gee,
I’d love to, but you see,

"I just had a baby
12 weeks ago.

Can I do the show
later in the year?"

And they said no.

So I said I’m really
flattered to be asked,

but it’s not easy to pack up
a 12-week-old baby

fly 3,000 miles,
when your husband is working,

and be alone
in a strange city.

And they said, "Look, do you
wanna do the show or not?"

So I thought about it,
and I love the show,

and I couldn’t resist
the challenge.

When my daughter
was born 12 weeks ago,

I promised myself I wouldn’t
let my work interfere

with being a mother.

But I also made a decision
not to let being a mother

interfere with my work.

Basically, I want it all.
I wanna be a good mother,

and I wanna be
a good host.

So here I am, my baby’s
asleep in my dressing room,

her daddy’s watching her,
and remember,

I had a baby
just 12 weeks ago.

And look at me.

We’re gonna have
a great show!

We have Johnny Clegg
and Savuka,

and we’ll be right back!

( ARGUING LOUDLY )

Seems no two people
can agree on

the sparkling new cooler
from Neuburg’s.

Tastes good!

Tastes bad!

- Tastes good!
- Tastes bad!

- Tastes good!
- Tastes bad!

( BLOWS WHISTLE )

But no matter what you think
of Neuburg’s Bleu Cheese cooler,

there is one thing
everyone can agree on.

Neuburg’s uses
only the finest ingredients--

dry white California wine,
sparking water,

an aged bleu cheese
ripened in Denmark.

That’s why it has
that unique taste

that one out of
every two people can handle.

Oh, there is one other thing
about Neuburg’s

that everyone
can agree on.

The way it smells.

ALL: Bad!

Everything you always
wanted in a bleu cheese cooler.

It’s time for
Dr. Know It All.

Today...

Hi, Dr. Know It All.
Can we come in?

Why, sure, Tommy.
Hi, Becky.

Gosh, Dr. Know It All,

why do you have your vacuum
cleaner on the counter?

Well, I’m conducting
a little experiment
with air pressure.

Becky, why don’t you get
Charlie the gerbil
out of his cage,

and put him
in the box here.

Come on, little fella.

He’s a frisky little--
You got him?

Okay, excellent.

Okay, Tommy, you can
turn on the vacuum cleaner.

Here it goes.

( SQUEALING )

Okay, Tommy,
if you’d snap it off.

All right. Becky,
maybe you can tell me
what happened.

Well, I think Charlie
is inside the vacuum cleaner.

That’s right.

Why? And remember,

we’re dealing with
air pressure.

Um, well...

Now, is the air pressure
inside the vacuum cleaner

greater or less than
the air pressure

outside the vacuum?
Becky.

Um, it’s greater.

Tommy?

Less?

So, Becky, you say
the air pressure is...

Greater.

And Tommy, you say
the air pressure is...

- Less.
- Now think about
this, Becky.

The gerbil moved
into the vacuum cleaner,

which means the air pressure
inside is...

Oh, less.

Less. That’s correct.

So Tommy, that means
you are...

Smart.

No, no.

You’re right,
and that means Becky is...

Wrong.

That’s right.
Now why is Becky wrong?

Because she didn’t
understand that.

No.

Because she didn’t
know about--

No. Becky is wrong
because she’s a girl.

Becky is wrong
because she is a girl,

and this is science.

Yes. Okay.

Now let’s step over
to the aquarium.

Gosh, Dr. Know It All,

where’d you get
all those fish?

Well, I got them at the market.
Yes, I did.

Now Tommy, if you’ll
take the net,

I’ll bet you’ll be able
to get one of those fish out,

and we’ll do another little
experiment with what?

- Air pressure.
- Okay.

I think I got one.

Okay, good.
Move him over here
to the counter.

Look at him go.

( ALL EXCLAIMING )

Why does he
flop around like that?

Well, maybe you
can tell me.

Because the pressure
outside the tank

is lower than
inside the tank?

No. He’s flopping around
because he can’t...

Swim?

- No.
- He can’t stand up?

No, he can’t br...

BOTH: Breathe.

That’s right!
He can’t breathe.

Look, he stopped.

Oh, he looks dead.

Yes, he does.
Why?

Why does he look dead?

Because we talked too...

Loud?

- No, we talked too...
- Talked to God.

No, we talked too long.

- Oh!
- We talked too long.

Now what have we learned
about air pressure so far?

Well, we’ve learned that

the pressure inside
the vacuum is less,

Tommy’s right,
Becky’s wrong,

she’s a girl,
this is science,

the fish is dead,
and we talked too long.

- We talked too long.
- Gosh, Dr. Know It All,

I never know what I’m gonna
learn when I come here.

Well, Becky,
we’re not finished.
Come on over here.

Do you know
what this is?

It’s the planets
of our solar system.

That’s right.
Tommy and I
made these last week,

by putting papier-mâché
over balloons.

Hey, Dr. Know It All,
we were using air pressure.

Yes, we were,
inside the balloons.
Very good.

Now I made the four
outer planets,

and Tommy made
these planets.

Look at my planets.

They look good.

But Tommy’s planets look...

Small?

No. Bad.

The planets you made
look bad.

Right, Becky?

- Yes.
- Yes, they do.

That’s because
Tommy’s a boy,
and I’m a...

Man.

That’s right, Becky.

I’m a man, so my work
is much better.

Now, let’s come over here.

Here’s some
balloons for you.

Becky, I want you
to fill these up
with water,

and Tommy, you take
this blindfold
and stand over there.

*

Oh, I hear our theme,
and that means we’re
just about out of time.

We’ll have to save
this experiment for
another day, okay?

Okay. Well,
bye for now.

MAN: Sometimes it’s lonely
being a businessman.

That’s why you need...

So what color of suit
do you like? Blue or gray?

Well, I think
I lean toward gray.

I like gray,
but blue is good, too.

Yes, it is.

WOMAN: Businessman’s Chatter
Line can handle

up to 14 businessmen
at one time.

So, do you live
in the city or
do you commute?

- Oh, I commute.
- Me, too.

I used to
live in the city,
but now, I commute.

With Businessman’s
Chatter Line,

you can make
crazy new friends.

So what sports
do you guys play?

- Golf.
- Golf.

I don’t play anything,
but I was think of
taking up golf.

Yeah, that’s
what I play. Golf.

Only five tax-deductible
dollars per minute,

plus tolls, if any.

MAN: No non-businessmen,
please.

Crank calls
will be prosecuted.

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

New Yorkers
reacted drastically

to Tuesday’s
election results

as 22,000 people
attempted a mass suicide

off the Verrazano Bridge
over New York harbor.

And in the wake of
Dukakis’ defeat,

the recriminations
are flying.

Democrats are pointing
fingers of blame

at Dukakis campaign
managers Susan Estrich

campaign chairman
Paul Brountas,

and co-chair
John Sasso.

But ya know,
if you ask me,

I always felt that a fish
loses from the head down.

The big story this week,
of course, is the election,

and the next president will be
George Bush, the Republican.

I say this because
a recent NBC news poll

shows that 60% of
Saturday Night Liveviewers

get all or most of
their news from Weekend Update.

And now that
the election is over,

I think a little
self-examination is in order.

Did we,
at Weekend Update,

contribute to a campaign that
was dreadfully short on issues?

A little mea culpa here.

On the week that George Bush
gave a major speech

on trade policy,
we did a joke

comparing Marilyn Quayle’s
hair to Laura Petrie’s.

And the week Michael Dukakis
outlined his defense strategy,

we did a joke comparing
Quayle’s head

to a pumpkin
with no candle in it.

So yes, we could’ve
done better,

but we’re only human.

And all I can say is,
we’ll have to try harder.

In the news this week,

President-elect George Bush
this week finally owned up

and admitted that
the only reason

he chose Dan Quayle
as his running mate

was to guarantee that no one
would attempt to assassinate him

in the next four years.

"This guy is a walking,
breathing bulletproof vest,"

said Bush.

Amidst all the questions
about Dan Quayle’s competency,

the order of succession
to the presidency

has become a major issue
in Washington.

By U.S. law, should anything
happen to the president,

the vice-president,
of course, takes over.

But it’s been recommended
that the law should be changed.

The suggested new order
of succession is as follows:

...and then Quayle.

I think we’ll all
sleep a little easier tonight.

Democratic vice-presidential
candidate Lloyd Bentsen

announced on Wednesday

that he will now return
to his old job

as the grandfather clock
on the Captain Kangarooshow.

And now, Weekend Update
has an exclusive interview

with Imelda Marcos

as we go live to her home
in Hawaii via satellite.

Mrs. Marcos, can you hear me?

This is Dennis Miller
of Weekend Update.

Yes, I can hear you.

Mrs. Marcos, how are
you feeling now

faced with
the possibility
of prison?

Prison? My God, I’m
a prisoner now!

My husband is very sick,
we have been stripped of
our dignity.

My God, we have nothing.

What about those
three big buildings
in Manhattan?

They are not that big.

They are not
that big.

Oh, come on,
Mrs. Howell.

Are we supposed to think
that you and Thurston

are helping the Professor
make radio headphones
out of coconut shells?

Come on! This is Dennis.
Level with me, baby!

Okay, okay,
we took the money.

I admit it, damn it.
We took it.

And we knew what
to do with it, damn it.

You better
believe it, man.

We ripped off the whole
Philippine National
Treasury, buster.

We had a lot of money,
you better believe it.

And let me
tell you something.

I knew how to party.
I was the party.

I was hot.
Let me tell you.

I could disco
all night long

and look like a million bucks
the next day.

Damn you.
Damn you, buddy.

Damn you to hell.

I partied with
George Hamilton, get it?

George Hamilton.
I had a life, man.

You better believe it.

You can’t touch
what I had.

Now all I have
is my husband Ferdinand.

He’s some barrel
of monkeys, yeah.

You think I can teach
a trick to that old dog?

He’s a drag.

This is no paradise.
This is hell on earth.

Hawaii! Who do you think
I’m partying with, Don Ho?

I’m a broken woman,
I’m telling you.

But I’m coming back.
Don’t worry, I’m coming back.

I’m coming back.

* Fame, I’m gonna
live forever *

* Light up the sky
like a flame, fame *

* I’m going to
live forever *

( STATIC )

I think we’ve lost her.
Thank you, Imelda.

You know, you’re looking
amazingly lifelike as of late.

And the Pillsbury Doughboy
donned boxing gloves

in recent financial ads
to show his company’s resistance

to hostile
corporate takeovers.

The move brought
fight promoter Don King

to announce that
Sugar Ray Leonard

will meet the Doughboy
for 15 rounds

next month in
Atlantic City.

Leonard says his fight strategy
is to go for the head,

since every time
he hit the guy in the stomach,

he just giggles.

This week,
the Air Force unveiled

the first official photos
of its stealth fighter.

A spokesman for
Ralph Nader said,

"We’re not quite
comfortable with the design."

Long-distance runner
Joan Benoit

suffered a bad fall
in the last miles

of the New York City
marathon on Sunday

when she collided with
a young spectator.

The child was okay,
but Benoit had to be destroyed.

She didn’t really.
Little joke.

Okay, uh...

A lot of these are jokes.

Lately, a lot of attention
has been paid

to stress and its effect
on baby boomers.

And now, with an editorial
on the pressures of
modern life in America,

here’s Updatecorrespondent
Victoria Jackson.

- Hello, Victoria.
- Hi, Dennis.

Thank you, Dennis.

Let me begin by saying
that a new study shows

that the 30-something
generation,

of which I am a member,

is the most anxiety-ridden,
emotionally unstable generation

in our nation’s history.

In a recent issue of
the Sunday New York Times,

I read a very
frightening statistic...

( PIANO MUSIC
PLAYS )

that my fellow baby boomers
are so chronically depressed,

we are more prone to
suicide, divorce,

drug and alcohol
addiction

because of outside
pressures and goals

we have set up for
ourselves

which are
highly unrealistic.

* That’s why
we’re all in therapy *

* Or low-impact
aerobics *

* Or reaching out to
anything that’s new *

* But I have found a way
to keep anxiety at bay *

* And I would like to share
now with you *

* I read the news
in the press *

* Most of us
will die of stress *

* Unless we dance
old chronic depression away *

* We want power
and control *

* That’s a really
unhealthy goal *

* It’s time to dance
old chronic depression away *

* If your back’s
against the wall *

* ’Cause your career’s
in the stall *

* Then don’t jump out
the office window *

* ’Cause the sidewalk
will break your fall *

* Shake the blahs,
take a chance *

* Roll up the carpet
and move the plants *

* Just dance, dance, dance
depression away *

* If you want
to shake the blues *

* Just turn off
the evening news *

* Turn off the lights,
turn on the music *

* Put on your
dancing shoes *

* And you’ll stop
feeling paranoid *

* You don’t have to be
Sigmund Freud *

* Dance old
Mr. Chronic Depression *

* Call the shrink
and cancel the session *

* Dance old
Mr. Chronic Depression away *

Yeah!

I feel better already.

Thank you.

Thank you, Victoria.

Hey, give me back
that five.

Isn’t it ironic
that Herman Wouk’s
War and Remembrance

cost $110 million
to produce

when World War II itself
only cost 80 million?

A massive doughnut slide killed
3,000 in Tunisia this week.

Another update on
that whale story.

The two whales surfaced
again this week

as they popped up
through the ice

in somebody’s Big Gulp
outside a 7-Eleven

in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

And this week,

this happened
somewhere in the mid-west.

The movie sequel
Ernest Saves Christmas

was released this week,

one of the biblical signs
that Armageddon is near.

And Meryl Streep’s new film
The Life of Emo Phillips

was released yesterday.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

Franz, are you sleeping?

No, Hans.

I was just
counting stars.

Listen to me now
and believe me later.

You can’t count
all the stars, Franz.

It’s like trying to count
all your muscles.

Yes, you are right.

The universe
is so vast.

I was just
thinking, Hans.

Suppose we were just
a tiny speck of a muscle

inside another
larger muscle,

inside even another
larger muscle.

It boggles my mind
just talking about it.

Okay, then,
enough talk.

We’re not here to talk.
We’re here to...

BOTH: Get some rest.

Hans, are you sleeping?

No, Franz.
I was just thinking.

If the universe
is never-ending,

that means, if we took our
properly pumped-up muscles

and laid them end to end,

still they would not
reach the end.

That is hard
to comprehend.

Hans, would you ever
go up in a rocket ship
to Mars?

No, Franz, because
then I would be weightless,

and that is
my worst nightmare.

Yeah, good
thinking, Hans.

You know, they could
never have a weightlifting
competition on Mars

because even
a puny-sized man

could lift
a man-sized weight.

Ja.In weightlifting
competitions in the future,

they’re going to have
to watch that very carefully.

Hans, I cannot sleep.

I’m going to get up
and have a nice, hot
cup of protein drink.

I think
I will join you.

( COYOTE HOWLING )

What was that?

- What was what?
- ( HOWLING CONTINUES )

That!

I don’t know,
but if I was a wild bear,

thinking about attacking
a certain campsite,

I would think twice now,
and think about it again later.

Listen to me now
and hear me later, Mr. Bear.

If you think that
we are easy prey,

then take a look at this.

- Listen.
- ( RUSTLING SOUNDS )

Listen to me now.

We can very easily...

BOTH: pump you up.

Pump you up.

Pump you up.

Hi, fellas,
how’s it goin’?

( BOTH EXCLAIMING )

Oh, sorry to
scare you guys.

I was doin’
the rounds.

It’s gonna be
five bucks for
the campsite,

but you can pay
on the way out.

You do not
frighten us.

We do not scare
that easily.

No, you are sadly
mistaken, my friend.

Well, whenever.

By the way, the showers are
up at the top of the hill there,

and the snack bar
is closin’ in about
ten minutes,

so if you need...
Hey, wait a minute.

Aren’t you those two guys
in the cable thing,
the exercise thing?

Yeah, I am Hans.

And I am Franz.

BOTH: And we just want to
pump you up.

Ja,that is us. Ja.

I thought so.

Well, have
a good night.

I suppose you want
our autograph, huh?

Nah, that’s okay.

No, don’t be too shy
about it, Mr. Ranger.

We get that stuff
all the time.

What would I do
with an autograph
out here?

Why don’t you get it
for your girlfriend?

Uh, that’s okay.

Once again,
sorry if I scared you guys.

He did not scare us.

No, I was not scared.

I’m not scared.

Don’t give yourself
too much credit,
Mr. Out of Shape Ranger Man.

Yeah, Mr. Smokey
the Bear Man.

If you think
you scared us, my friend,

then you are a dreamer.

Yeah, and dreamers are in
for a rude awakening.

Yeah, maybe we should
wake you up

by putting a bear trap
in your bed,

and then, having it
snap your flabby fanny.

Ja,but you will not
even feel it,

and then, we will
be stuck with
some trap flab.

Ja,hear me.
That’s right.
Hear me now and...

( CAMPERS COMPLAINING )

Hey, don’t be telling
us what to do, campers.

Where do you get off
yelling at us?

Yeah, listen to me now,
believe me later.

If we have to
come over there,

you will be between
a rock and a hard place.

That’s right.
In other words,
between Hans and Franz.

All right.

All right,
enough talk.

We’re not here
to talk.

BOTH: We’re here
to get some rest.

Hans, are you asleep?

No, Franz.

I was just wondering.

What if, at the end
of the universe,

there was this big
wall of muscle?

Yeah, and what would be
on the other side of
that muscle wall?

It just boggles
my mind talking about it.

Me, too.

This is it,
the place I’ve
been tellin’ you about.

Oh, Mike,
this is perfect.

I figure I’ve been
promising you a summer
cabin for so long,

the least I could do
is find a place
to build it on.

Mike, it’s wonderful.
I don’t even know
what to say.

Well, it’s not
built yet.

This would make
a great place
for a picture window,

- facing right out here.
- Yeah, yeah.

( LOUD RATTLING )

Whatever you do,

don’t move.

What?
( GASPS )

Don’t move.

There’s a rattlesnake
right beside you.

Oh, Mike.

Okay, just don’t
move a muscle.

Just remain
perfectly still.

( RATTLING CONTINUES )

Okay, I’m gonna
reload now.

Mike, do something.

It’s okay,
it’s okay.

He looks real mad
that you shot at him.

- Just hold on.
- ( SCREAMS )

Oh, it bit me.

Okay, don’t move.
Just stay still or
he might bite you again.

- Just hold still.
- ( SCREAMS )

He bit me again.
Oh, Mike, it hurts.

Okay, don’t worry.
It’ll get numb in a minute.

You just hold still.

Ow. You shot me
in the elbow.

He bit me again!

Okay, the gun thing’s
not working.

I’m gonna try
something else.

Okay, stay
perfectly still.

I think that knife
getting thrown at him

is really making
him madder.

He’s giving me
a really weird look.

- All right, just
don’t look at him.
- Okay.

All right, honey,
very slowly,

do exactly as I say.

Reach down
very slowly,

and pick up
my hunting knife.

Oh...

I don’t think
he likes me
doing this.

Very slowly.
Now toss it
back here gently.

Gently. That’s it.
Okay.

Oh, he bit me again.

Just stay
perfectly still.

Did I get him?
Looked like he jerked
a little bit or something.

No, that was him
biting me again.

Can I just move now?
I’ll move out real fast.

No, no, don’t move.
Don’t move, okay?

I see what’s
happening here.

The knife thing’s
not working.

Oh, Mike, I’m starting
to see rockets.

Just stay still.
Stay perfectly still.

I’m gonna lasso him.

Maybe I can just
slip away.

He’s probably
out of poison by now.

No, no, he’s a big one.

He’s a big one, honey,
and he’s got plenty of poison.

Just don’t move.
Okay.

All right.

Now the loop
has to be big enough

to pull the rope
through the air,

but small enough
to get around his neck

so that
when I pull it tight,

I don’t have to
tighten it too much.

Does that make
sense to you?

Oh, Mike, he just bit me
three more times.

Okay, just stay still.

Oh, he bit me again, Mike.

I know, I know.
I know.

Okay. All right.
He’s getting slower,
though, have you noticed?

No.

All right, listen,
I got an idea.

I got a good idea.

It’s crazy,
but it might work.

Okay? All right.

Honey, with your open hand,

reach down
very, very slowly,

and grab the snake.

Grab the snake?
He’ll bite me some more.

No, he won’t.

You’ve gotta trust me.
Do you trust me?

- Oh, yes.
- Okay.

Okay, very slowly,
reach down.

Just reach down.
That’s it.

That’s it, now...

Oh, he’s biting me.
I told you.

It’s okay,
it’s okay.

Reach a little closer.
Reach closer.

Now grab him.
Grab the snake.

Ow! Ow!

Ignore him.
Throw him down.
Throw him down there.

Okay, where’d he go?

Okay, I don’t see him.

He’s gone. Okay.
That’s the important thing.

Okay, he’s gone.

All right.
Okay, honey.

Honey, whatever you do,
don’t move.

There’s a tarantula
on your shoulder.

Oh, shut up and just
get me to the doctor.

Okay, remain calm.
That’s the important thing.

You gotta remain calm.

I just wanna say,
this has been

one of the most exciting
weeks of my life,

and I wanna thank
the cast and crew

for making it that way.

The only other thing
is that life is good.

Thank you.