All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E04.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

MAN: I am gunnery sergeant
McArthur,

your senior
drill instructor.

Over the next
six weeks,

you will see
so much of me

that I will be
like everyone to you.

It will seem as if
all the people who are
normally around you are me.

Do I make myself clear?

ALL: Sir, yes, sir!

I can’t hear you.

Sir, yes, sir!!

Look at how scared you are.

You all look more scared
than a scared little person.

You call yourselves soldiers?

You’re not soldiers.

You look more like
non-soldiers.

You’re all a bunch of
weak, out-of-shape,

pale, thin, weak,
out-of-shape non-soldiers

who are scared and weak.

Do you understand me,
brand-new soldier?

Sir, yes, sir!

Look at how fat
and out of shape you are.
What’s your name?

Sir, Bronski, sir!

Well, from now on,
your name is

Mr. Out-of-Shape Person.

- Do you like that?
- Sir, yes, sir!

( GIGGLING )

Who thinks
that’s funny?

Who just wrote his own
not-alive-anymore certificate?

Was it you, soldier?

You think the army’s
just one big...

joke building.
What’s your name?

Sir, Bennett, sir!

Not anymore, Bennett.

From now on,
your name is

Mr. Smiley Laughing
Joking Around Man.

- You like that name?
- Sir, yes, sir!

Well, you better
get used to it,

’cause everyone’s
gonna call you that.
What’s his name?

Sir, Mr. Smiley Laughing
Joking Around Man, sir!

Well, well.

Look at what
we have here.

You remind me
of my dog.

You know what I used
to call my doggie?

Doggie!

That’s your new name.

Mr. Reminds Me
of Doggie.

Sir, yes, sir!

And you, you scrawny
little thing.

Why, I bet you’re
a homosexual.

That’s your new name.

Mr. The Guy I Bet
Is A Homosexual.

Sir, yes, sir!

What are you
lookin’ at?!

You, with those eyes
in your face.

Mr. Eyes-In-Face Man.

And you with that
hair on your head.

Hair head!

And look who’s
standing next to him.

Mister...

Feet Attached to Legs.

Well, well.

What have we here?

An intellectual boy.

Where’d you go to college?

Sir, I attended Massachusetts
Institute of Technology, sir!

- What’s your name, soldier?
- Sir, Einstein, sir!

Einstein, huh?

You’re a regular
smart person.

Yeah, Mr. Smart Person.

Sir, may I suggest
you nickname me Einstein, sir?

Don’t you mouth off at me!

You’re Mr. Smart Guy
Mouthing Off At Me.

What’s his name?

( ALL YELLING
GIBBERISH )

You’re not so smart now,
are you, Mr. Smart Guy
Mouthing Around?

Now you drop down
and give me 50...

of those things where
you go up and down.

Sir, you mean push-ups, sir?

Don’t you tell me
what they are!

Now you’re all gonna
have to pay for

Mr. Mouth Head’s
not being subordinate
enough to me.

( BARKING COMMANDS )

I’m gonna teach you
a little song I wrote.

Hut, two, three, four.

* I’m in the army,
I’m in the army *

* I’m in the army,
I’m in the army *

* I, I, I’m in the army *

* I, I, I’m in the army *

* Army, army,
army, army *

* Army, army,
army, army *

* A-a-a-army *

* A-a-a-army *

* A-a-a-a-ah *

* A-a-a-a-ah *

* ...rmy-y-y-y-y *

* ...rmy-y-y-y-y *

* Army, army, army,
army, army, army, army *

* Army, army, army,
army, army, army, army *

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown.

Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Musical guest Edie Brickell
and New Bohemians.

And starring
Matthew Modine.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Matthew Modine.

Thank you.

It’s great to be here.
Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you.
It’s great to be here.

Thank you very much.

It’s very nice of you,

considering most of you
don’t have any idea who I am.

But that’s okay.

I’m glad
you don’t recognize me,

because that proves
I’m doing my job.

See, I’m a film actor,
and when I take on a role,

I try to submerge myself
in the character.

Here I am as Private Joker
in Full Metal Jacket.

And here I am as
Detective Mike Downey

in Married To The Mob.

See, now, this is me
as Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull.

It was a great script,
great role.

I won an Oscar for it.

Here I am as Gandhi.

I won an Oscar
for that one, too.

Oh, yes, The Autobiography
of Miss Jane Pittman.

( APPLAUSE )

Took four hours
every morning

to get me to look
that old.

Then it was right into
The Color Purple.

At this point,

I was afraid they were
starting to typecast me.

So my newest role
is a big departure for me.

Here’s a clip.

It’s more of
an action film.

I’m actually trying
to eat a chipmunk in this one.

It looks like I’m enjoying it,
but to tell you the truth,

it tasted pretty bad.

Anyway, we’ve got
a great show for you tonight.

Edie Brickell and
the New Bohemians
will be here, so...

( APPLAUSE )

Sit back,
enjoy the show,

and see if you can
pick me out in the sketches.

Stick around.
We’ll be right back.

My name is Russell Carney.

I’m a longshoreman,
the father of five,

and a Republican.

I Julia Verez,
I’m a hotel housekeeper,

I am a single mother
of two.

I’m also a Republican.

I’m Susan Ching.

I’m an art history major
at UCLA.

I’m also a Republican.

I’m Ernie Daniels.

I’m a retired
public school teacher.

I have 13 grandchildren,
and I’m a Republican.

We’re all Republicans.

Some pretty
surprising people

have joined
the Republican party lately.

Take a closer look.

You may be in for
a surprise.

There’s room for everyone.

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you, good evening,
and what can I tell you?

On Wednesday
of this week,

at a stump speech
in the Midwest,

an overtly confident
George Bush

publicly voiced his intention
to vote for Michael Dukakis.

Bush said,
"There’s no way I see this

"comin’ down to my vote.

I figured I’d throw
the little guy a bone."

Election analysts
today predicted

that the turnout for
the November 8th election

will be the lowest
in 40 years.

Encouraged by this news,
Gary Hart today announced

he was
re-entering the race.

Good luck, Gary.

Among the celebrities
endorsing George Bush this week

was actor
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In a moment of
unbridled enthusiasm,
the muscle-bound actor

accidentally tore
the vice-president’s arm off.

Bush continued
the campaign through Illinois

while Schwarzenegger
and the arm

made a hand-shaking tour
of Ohio.

In a final attempt to make
himself a little more imposing,

Mike Dukakis this week
began a whistle-stop tour

of those little villages
you find under Christmas trees.

And in an effort to update
the voting process this year,

the U.S. Board of Elections
unveiled a revamped version

of the antiquated
voting booth

it feels strikes
an appropriate chord

for next week’s election.

This just in.

In the last three minutes,

Gary Hart was caught in
a Washington, D.C., condominium

with a 23-year-old model,

and announced he is
dropping out of the race again.

NBC...

All right. TV verité.

NBC’s Today Showperformed
a physics experiment this week,

and as has been proved time
and time again over the years,

ego and no ego
cancel each other out.

To get a better understanding
of the electoral college votes

by area, remember, it’s red
for Bush, and blue for Dukakis.

Let’s take a look at

our Weekend Update
electoral college map.

Well, that says a lot.

Minnesota, Massachusetts,

District of Columbia
for Dukakis,

and over there,
I’m surprised.

Lichtenstein
went Republican this year.

More poll results.

A poll taken of America’s
prison population

shows that 39% are for Bush,
39% are for Dukakis,

and the other 22%
of the prisoners abstained,

saying they’re former members
of the Reagan administration,

and wanted to play fair.

Here to take a look at
the electoral college picture

is Weekend Update’s
Al Franken. Hello, Al.

Hi, Dennis.
Thank you.

Dennis, this is a little
talent I picked up

after losing
a bar bet.

I can draw all 48
contiguous states
from memory.

I’ve seen Al
do this before.
It is amazing.

Thank you, Dennis.
You’re doing a terrific job
on Updatethis year.

Thank you.

I’m gonna use
this little device

to explain what I think
is a very interesting
electoral college situation.

where Michael Dukakis
could actually win
the electoral college

while losing
the popular vote.

I’m doing this by taking
a number of key states

with narrow victories.

Now, I have to admit,
I’m not totally unbiased here.

I’ve worked on behalf
of Dukakis, as have
a number of celebrities.

In fact, that’s where I get
a lot of my information.

For example,
Justine Bateman feels

that the rust belt
is the key to this election.

Ally Sheedy agrees,

but feels that Dukakis
might have lost Ohio

when he picked Bentsen
instead of John Glenn.

Now Rob Lowe feels
that this might be the year

that Dukakis
makes some inroads
into the farm belt.

But I have to agree
with Morgan Fairchild.

Morgan says that if
Quayle is playing anywhere,

it’s in the Midwest,

so Morgan gives only Iowa,
Wisconsin, and Minnesota
to Dukakis.

Now, I was talking
to Linda Lavin...

TV’s Alice.

Yes.
And she points out

that Kitty Dukakis
would be the first
Jewish first lady,

so I’m giving
New York to Dukakis.

Now here’s something
to watch out for.

How many of his own
home states will Bush take?

Orson Bean says
both Maine and Connecticut.

Dukakis will take
his own home state.

Rhode Island, Vermont,
and New Hampshire
goes for Bush.

Now, Linda Lavin was saying
that Kitty will help
in New Jersey,

but Joe Piscopo said
no, no, no.

Joe says Delaware
and New Jersey for Bush,

but West Virginia
and Maryland for Dukakis.

Now, the scuttlebutt from
Judd Nelson

is that things are
tightening up in
the border states,

and Sally Field says,
"Judd, you’re dreaming."

That brings us
down south,

and where I have to
agree with Leif Garrett.

That would be
Justine’s boyfriend.

Gee, I didn’t know that.

Maybe that’s where
he got this.

Anyway, Leif says
solid south, solid south

for Bush, even...
I’m sorry, Linda Lavin,
Florida.

Okay, now that brings us
to what Lisa Bonet calls

the big enchilada.

Talking, of course,
about Texas.

Now, Lisa was talking to
Shelley Fabares.

Donna Reed’s daughter
on the old Donna Reed Show.

Yes. And Shelley says
that while Dukakis is
behind in Texas,

that Bentsen has a tremendous
"get out the vote" operation.

Dukakis by a whisper.

Now, we got to what
Tony Randall calls
the solid west.

Tony Randall’s
solid west,

which will bring us
to where

Molly Ringwald says
this election is going
to be decided.

- The west coast.
- Exactly.

Now, Molly was talking
to Debra Winger.

And Debra, as you know, shot
Officer And A Gentleman
in Washington,

and she tells me
that Washington,
Oregon and California

within reach for Dukakis,

combined with Hawaii’s
four electoral votes,

this all adds up to 270,
the exact number needed
for a Dukakis victory.

Thank you again, Al.

The current issue
of Spinmagazine

on page 47,
has a Trojan condom ad

that actually has a Trojan
lubricated condom in it.

Now this campaign was done
in good conscience,

but I don’t think
it was wise

to staple these things
in here like this.

They have ten rules
for condom use here,

and I love
rule number ten.

It says, remember,
never re-use a condom.

Thank you, guys,
for that news flash.

I’m sure I would have stumbled
on that by myself eventually.

You know how they test
condoms now?

They pull ’em down
over Howie Mandel’s head.

Well, one of McGarrett’s
boys, Chin Ho,

came to Manhattan
this week. Hey, Chin.

Those whales trapped
beneath the ice in Alaska

were finally freed this week
when actress Shelley Winters

dove into the icy waters,
swam to the pair,

and led them to safety.

There’s got to be
a morning after.

In a follow-up story, here’s
what happened to those whales.

They left Alaska,
came down the west coast,

through the Panama Canal,
the Gulf,

up the east coast.

This morning, to the surprise
of many New Yorkers,

they broke through the ice
in the Rockefeller Center
skating rink.

Sadly, they were immediately
booked as vagrant mammals,

and sent to Rikers Island
to await trial.

Imelda Marcos returned
to New York City this week

to face charges of
racketeering and embezzlement.

The former Philippine
first lady and her husband

were accused of looting
more than $100 million

from their
national treasury.

The criminal arraignment
took place last Monday

in Manhattan at
Bergdorf-Goodman,

where Mrs. Marcos
scoffed at the allegations,

but could offer no explanation
for her gold-plated legs.

And now, with a final comment
on the electoral process,

here is the man
that I look up to most

in the entire world,
A. Whitney Brown,

with The Big Picture.
Whitney.

Well, my friends,
over 200 years ago,

the fathers of our nation
created the office of president.

I know it probably seemed like
a good idea at the time.

After all, in those days,
all you had to do

was vote for the man
you liked the most.

But then, sometime
around the Tyler campaign,

it degenerated into
the lesser of two evils.

You had to vote for the man
you disliked the least.

And now, finally,
in 1988,

it’s come to the point
where you have to vote against

the man you dislike
the most.

Maybe our soil
has been depleted

of some essential
leadership nutrients.

Or maybe our diet is too rich.
It happened to the French.

Reagan is no exception.

No matter
how much you like him,

you have to admit,
he’s no Richard Nixon.

But the scary thing is,
the time will come

when Jimmy Carter
looks like a great president.

When you put all this
into the big picture,

you can point the blame
at New Hampshire.

They pick both candidates.

Every election,
they get first choice.

I know we trust them
because they seem solid.
The Granite state.

Well, it’s more like
"the small mammals by
the side of the road" state.

There they are,
passing themselves off

as some kind of Norman Rockwell
American archetypes.

"Live free or die."
That’s their motto.

It’s on all their
license plates.

When you think that
these license plates are made

by people in prison,

well, it makes you wonder
what it really means.

I’ll tell you, I’ve been there
a few times,

and as far as I can tell,

it’s an indication
of how cheap they are.

"Live free or die."

Well, maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe it’s perfectly safe

to hand over the destiny
of our nation

to a pack of maple-syrup
swilling squirrel worshippers.

But apparently,

the idea has set
the rest of the nation

aflame with indifference.

You know,
last year in Haiti,

hundreds
of penniless peasants

laid down their lives
in brutal massacre,

simply for the privilege
of casting a ballot.

And here,
in the home of the brave,

40% of the electorate
doesn’t even bother

to walk down the block
to the polls.

Even less
if it looks like rain.

Maybe it’s time to think about
holding our primaries in Haiti.

But either way,
I’ll see you at the polls.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, Whitney.

A spokesman for MTV
revealed this week

that Quiet Riot,
Guns N’ Roses,

Metallica, Krokus,
the Scorpions,

Helix, Motley Crue,
and Poison

are all, in fact,
the same band.

Violence broke out
this week

at a California Raisin
concert

at the Altamont Speedway
outside of San Francisco.

A local motorcycle gang,
Hells Prunes,

hired as the Raisins’
bodyguards,

evidently roughed up
the guitarist for

the Jefferson Airplane,
who opened the show.

The spokesman for
the Raisins said,

"Hey, man, sex, bran,
and rock and roll."

In view of all the deadly
computer viruses

that have been
spreading lately,

Weekend Update
would like to remind you,

when you link up
to another computer,

you’re linking up to
every computer

that that computer
has ever linked up to.

And remember,
only 76 more shopping days

till Reagan’s gone.

Hey, Audrey, get well,
’cause guess what?

That’s the news.

The following program
has been paid for by...

Good evening.
I’m Mike Dukakis.

I’m the Democratic candidate for
president of the United States.

Several months ago,
when we purchased

this half hour
of television time,

we planned to use it for
a last-minute appeal

to undecided voters.

But quite frankly...

After meeting with
my advisors,

and seeing
the latest polls,

it’s clear to me,
and it would be clear to anyone,

that I don’t have
a Chinaman’s chance

of winning this election.

I’m gonna be beaten.

Badly beaten.

And I see no reason
to sit here tonight

and pretend otherwise.

However,
now I’ve got 30 minutes

of pre-paid,
non-refundable network time.

I can sit here
and give you

the same old
song and dance

about the jobs
and the wages,

the best America
is yet to come.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

But if you haven’t bought it
by now, why bother?

So instead of speeches,
I decided to throw a party

for everyone involved
in the campaign.

It’s a good party.

A fun party.

And you’re invited.

After all...
with federal matching funds,

you paid for
half of it.

So come on in.

Everybody’s here.
Come on, don’t be shy.

Well, here’s my running mate,
Lloyd Bentsen.

And I looked him
straight in the eye and said,

"Senator, you’re no
Jack Kennedy."

Lloyd, how’s that
martini treating you?

Not too bad, Mike.

I wish the polls
were treatin’ us
a little bit better.

Well, Lloyd, we
represent unpopular,
discredited views.

Mike, now that
it’s all over,

you can tell me.

You were going to
raise taxes, weren’t you?

You bet I was.

Through the roof.

But now, I won’t
get the chance.

Michael, would you
come over here, please?

Well, as usual,

Ted Kennedy’s got his eye
on a beautiful brunette.

In this case,
it’s my wife Kitty.

This is very nice.

What’s it made of?

Senator Kennedy,
please. Please.

You know, Kitty,
after a defeat like this,

Mike’s gonna need
some time alone.

If you like, you’re
welcome to come down
to Hyannis Port

for a few days.

Of course, you can
have your own room.

I don’t think that
would be a good idea,
do you, senator?

Here. Watch this.

Well, it looks like
these two wanna be alone.

There’s my good friend
Leroy Neiman.

Let’s go see what
Leroy’s doing.

Hello, Leroy.
That’s great.

It’s great,
and what do
you call it?

Governor, I call this
"What Might Have Been."

It shows the nuclear
aircraft carrier Nimitz

after its conversion into

a floating shelter
for the homeless.

Well, it’s
beautiful, Leroy.

I think it’s right
up there with

the Olympic moments series
you did for Burger King.

Thanks, Mike.

Mike! My main man!

( CHUCKLES )
Willie Horton.

Give me five.

Come on,
give me five.

Hey, man, this party
is great.

Ya know, thanks for
the furlough.

It’s no problem,
homeboy.

I’m just sorry
I won’t be able
to give you

that presidential pardon.

Oh, that’s all right, man.
You tried.

- Say, you know
Donna Rice?
- Of course.

- Hi, Mike.
- Hello, Donna.

Would you like to join us
in some dirty dancing?

Maybe later, kids.

But now, come with me.

I’d like you to meet
the person that I consider

the greatest
living American.

It’s former president
Jimmy Carter.

I looked him
right in the eye
and said,

"Senator, you’re no
Jack Kennedy."

Yes, I think
I heard that, Lloyd.

Jimmy.

Oh, hello, Mike.
Hello, Mike.
How are you?

Well, I’m about to lose
as bad as you did.

Maybe worse.

How did you
deal with it afterwards?

Well, basically, Michael,
you go through three stages.

The first is denial.

I did win,
I am the president. Yahoo!

Then, when Reagan
got inaugurated,

I had to move on
to the next phase.

- Which is?
- Anger.

I was one
pissed-off cracker.

And then what?

Then, Michael,
it’s acceptance.

I had to accept the fact
that I was a downer.

A liberal downer.

A malaise-ridden
liberal downer.

A free-spending,
malaise-ridden liberal downer,

who only knew--

Jimmy, Jimmy,
believe me, I understand.

Well, now,
is that Joan Baez?

It is. Come on.
Let’s go listen.

Why don’t you join us?

* Unilateral
disarmament *

* Abortion
on demand *

* Take everybody’s
guns away *

* And toss them
in the sand *

* Free needles
for the addict *

* Free condoms
for the kids *

* We’ll not blame
the criminal *

* For anything he did *

* For who can say
what’s right or wrong? *

* Is there such a thing
as sin? *

* And does it
really matter *

* If wars
we lose or win? *

Well, thanks for
coming to the party.

That just about does it
for the campaign.

Ya know, I think
the one thing

that really hurt us
is the fact...

...that Reaganomics works.
It really does.

Aren’t you better off
than you were eight years ago?

I know I am.
How about the rest of you?

I wish you weren’t,
but you are.

You are better off.

And there’s
no denying it.

Well, I’d like to thank
my guests,

my running mate,
Lloyd Bentsen,

who asked me to remind you
that he’s still on the ballot

for senator
down in Texas.

My other guests,
Jane Fonda,

Daniel Ortega,

and of course,
my good friend Ted Kennedy.

Good night.
Good night.

This has been
a paid political announcement

by the Democratic
National Committee.

Oh, nice hit.
Nice hit.

Nice jab.
Oh, yeah.

Cover up,
cover up.

Watch his right,
watch his right.

His eye’s swelling.
They’re stopping the fight.

- Square biz?
- What’d I say?

He’s still got
a lot left in him.

See, that’s the problem
with hockey.

They always
stop the fights.

How about another
cold one, Sammy?

What are you sayin’?
You want another cold one?

- What’d I say?
- Beautiful.

Hey, look at
this, Sammy.

Big fight broke out
last night at
the Flyers game.

BOTH: Ah, beautiful!

You know what I’m
gonna do someday, Sammy?

What are you gonna do?

Someday, I’m gonna try out for
a professional hockey team.

- Square biz?
- What’d I say?

Beautiful.

I’m gonna get
a nice pair of blades,

get up every morning
at the crack of dawn,

and practice all day,
get a reputation,

people will be... awww.

Who am I kiddin’?
There’s another thing
I’m never gonna do.

Oh! Nice cheap shot
into the boards.

That’s some crack
on that one, Sammy.

Is that legal?

No, but no one
said nothin’.

He got away with it.

Ah, beautiful!

Sammy, you got some of
that crap fung doo over there?

What are you sayin’?
Are you sayin’ you want
some more crap dung foo?

- Yeah, what’d I say?
- Here you go.

You know what I’m
gonna do someday, Sammy?

- What are you gonna do?
- I’m gonna go into
my own business.

- Square biz?
- What’d I say?

Beautiful.

Yeah, I’m gonna
make hockey sticks.

Something that
a hockey player

could really get
a lot of use out of.

You could call them
Sammy sticks.

Nah, it’s gonna be like
a Swiss army stick.

It’s gonna be a regular
hockey stick,

with large, fold-out
attachments,

like a stiletto,

maybe a corkscrew
for gougin’ eyes.

Maybe a big file
for jabbin’.

And then I’m gonna have
another regular hockey stick

with barbed wire
all over the handle.
I’m gonna sell helmets.

Oh, who am I kiddin’?
That’s another thing
I’m never gonna do.

Hey, how about
another cold one, Sammy?

What, you want
another cold one?

- What’d I say?
- Beautiful.

Hey, you guys got
any jumper cables?

- Hey, Lenny.
- Lenny!

Oh, nice cross check.

Hey, what are you
watchin’, Geraldo?

I was watchin’
the hockey game.

I thought you was
gonna watch with us.

Nah, it’s gotten
too violent for me.

All that gratuitous fighting,
vicarious aggression.

It’s a symptom of
the corruption

of values and integrity
in our society.

- Square biz?
- What’d I say?

BOTH: We don’t know.

Sammies, I volunteered
to coach the Little League team

down at
the community center.

- Square biz?
- Yeah.

I figured you gotta
start ’em young.

Teach ’em
good sportsmanship.

Teach ’em you can play
hockey without violence.

I’m gonna teach ’em
you don’t have to fight

to have a good time.

I’m gonna...

Ah, who am I kiddin’?

ALL: There’s another thing
you’re never gonna do!

- Oh, good head butt!
- Nice cross check!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I want to thank you for coming.

Go out there and vote,
unless you elect not to.

Thank you very much.