Original subtitles

MAN: I am gunnery sergeant McArthur,

your senior drill instructor.

Over the next six weeks,

you will see so much of me

that I will be like everyone to you.

It will seem as if all the people who are normally around you are me.

Do I make myself clear?

ALL: Sir, yes, sir!

I can’t hear you.

Sir, yes, sir!!

Look at how scared you are.

You all look more scared than a scared little person.

You call yourselves soldiers?

You’re not soldiers.

You look more like non-soldiers.

You’re all a bunch of weak, out-of-shape,

pale, thin, weak, out-of-shape non-soldiers

who are scared and weak.

Do you understand me, brand-new soldier?

Sir, yes, sir!

Look at how fat and out of shape you are. What’s your name?

Sir, Bronski, sir!

Well, from now on, your name is

Mr. Out-of-Shape Person.

- Do you like that? - Sir, yes, sir!

( GIGGLING )

Who thinks that’s funny?

Who just wrote his own not-alive-anymore certificate?

Was it you, soldier?

You think the army’s just one big...

joke building. What’s your name?

Sir, Bennett, sir!

Not anymore, Bennett.

From now on, your name is

Mr. Smiley Laughing Joking Around Man.

- You like that name? - Sir, yes, sir!

Well, you better get used to it,

’cause everyone’s gonna call you that. What’s his name?

Sir, Mr. Smiley Laughing Joking Around Man, sir!

Well, well.

Look at what we have here.

You remind me of my dog.

You know what I used to call my doggie?

Doggie!

That’s your new name.

Mr. Reminds Me of Doggie.

Sir, yes, sir!

And you, you scrawny little thing.

Why, I bet you’re a homosexual.

That’s your new name.

Mr. The Guy I Bet Is A Homosexual.

Sir, yes, sir!

What are you lookin’ at?!

You, with those eyes in your face.

Mr. Eyes-In-Face Man.

And you with that hair on your head.

Hair head!

And look who’s standing next to him.

Mister...

Feet Attached to Legs.

Well, well.

What have we here?

An intellectual boy.

Where’d you go to college?

Sir, I attended Massachusetts Institute of Technology, sir!

- What’s your name, soldier? - Sir, Einstein, sir!

Einstein, huh?

You’re a regular smart person.

Yeah, Mr. Smart Person.

Sir, may I suggest you nickname me Einstein, sir?

Don’t you mouth off at me!

You’re Mr. Smart Guy Mouthing Off At Me.

What’s his name?

( ALL YELLING GIBBERISH )

You’re not so smart now, are you, Mr. Smart Guy Mouthing Around?

Now you drop down and give me 50...

of those things where you go up and down.

Sir, you mean push-ups, sir?

Don’t you tell me what they are!

Now you’re all gonna have to pay for

Mr. Mouth Head’s not being subordinate enough to me.

( BARKING COMMANDS )

I’m gonna teach you a little song I wrote.

Hut, two, three, four.

* I’m in the army, I’m in the army *

* I’m in the army, I’m in the army *

* I, I, I’m in the army *

* I, I, I’m in the army *

* Army, army, army, army *

* Army, army, army, army *

* A-a-a-army *

* A-a-a-army *

* A-a-a-a-ah *

* A-a-a-a-ah *

* ...rmy-y-y-y-y *

* ...rmy-y-y-y-y *

* Army, army, army, army, army, army, army *

* Army, army, army, army, army, army, army *

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown.

Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest Edie Brickell and New Bohemians.

And starring Matthew Modine.

Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Modine.

Thank you.

It’s great to be here. Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you. It’s great to be here.

Thank you very much.

It’s very nice of you,

considering most of you don’t have any idea who I am.

But that’s okay.

I’m glad you don’t recognize me,

because that proves I’m doing my job.

See, I’m a film actor, and when I take on a role,

I try to submerge myself in the character.

Here I am as Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket.

And here I am as Detective Mike Downey

in Married To The Mob.

See, now, this is me as Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull.

It was a great script, great role.

I won an Oscar for it.

Here I am as Gandhi.

I won an Oscar for that one, too.

Oh, yes, The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman.

( APPLAUSE )

Took four hours every morning

to get me to look that old.

Then it was right into The Color Purple.

At this point,

I was afraid they were starting to typecast me.

So my newest role is a big departure for me.

Here’s a clip.

It’s more of an action film.

I’m actually trying to eat a chipmunk in this one.

It looks like I’m enjoying it, but to tell you the truth,

it tasted pretty bad.

Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians will be here, so...

( APPLAUSE )

Sit back, enjoy the show,

and see if you can pick me out in the sketches.

Stick around. We’ll be right back.

My name is Russell Carney.

I’m a longshoreman, the father of five,

and a Republican.

I Julia Verez, I’m a hotel housekeeper,

I am a single mother of two.

I’m also a Republican.

I’m Susan Ching.

I’m an art history major at UCLA.

I’m also a Republican.

I’m Ernie Daniels.

I’m a retired public school teacher.

I have 13 grandchildren, and I’m a Republican.

We’re all Republicans.

Some pretty surprising people

have joined the Republican party lately.

Take a closer look.

You may be in for a surprise.

There’s room for everyone.

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

On Wednesday of this week,

at a stump speech in the Midwest,

an overtly confident George Bush

publicly voiced his intention to vote for Michael Dukakis.

Bush said, "There’s no way I see this

"comin’ down to my vote.

I figured I’d throw the little guy a bone."

Election analysts today predicted

that the turnout for the November 8th election

will be the lowest in 40 years.

Encouraged by this news, Gary Hart today announced

he was re-entering the race.

Good luck, Gary.

Among the celebrities endorsing George Bush this week

was actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In a moment of unbridled enthusiasm, the muscle-bound actor

accidentally tore the vice-president’s arm off.

Bush continued the campaign through Illinois

while Schwarzenegger and the arm

made a hand-shaking tour of Ohio.

In a final attempt to make himself a little more imposing,

Mike Dukakis this week began a whistle-stop tour

of those little villages you find under Christmas trees.

And in an effort to update the voting process this year,

the U.S. Board of Elections unveiled a revamped version

of the antiquated voting booth

it feels strikes an appropriate chord

for next week’s election.

This just in.

In the last three minutes,

Gary Hart was caught in a Washington, D.C., condominium

with a 23-year-old model,

and announced he is dropping out of the race again.

NBC...

All right. TV verité.

NBC’s Today Showperformed a physics experiment this week,

and as has been proved time and time again over the years,

ego and no ego cancel each other out.

To get a better understanding of the electoral college votes

by area, remember, it’s red for Bush, and blue for Dukakis.

Let’s take a look at

our Weekend Update electoral college map.

Well, that says a lot.

Minnesota, Massachusetts,

District of Columbia for Dukakis,

and over there, I’m surprised.

Lichtenstein went Republican this year.

More poll results.

A poll taken of America’s prison population

shows that 39% are for Bush, 39% are for Dukakis,

and the other 22% of the prisoners abstained,

saying they’re former members of the Reagan administration,

and wanted to play fair.

Here to take a look at the electoral college picture

is Weekend Update’s Al Franken. Hello, Al.

Hi, Dennis. Thank you.

Dennis, this is a little talent I picked up

after losing a bar bet.

I can draw all 48 contiguous states from memory.

I’ve seen Al do this before. It is amazing.

Thank you, Dennis. You’re doing a terrific job on Updatethis year.

Thank you.

I’m gonna use this little device

to explain what I think is a very interesting electoral college situation.

where Michael Dukakis could actually win the electoral college

while losing the popular vote.

I’m doing this by taking a number of key states

with narrow victories.

Now, I have to admit, I’m not totally unbiased here.

I’ve worked on behalf of Dukakis, as have a number of celebrities.

In fact, that’s where I get a lot of my information.

For example, Justine Bateman feels

that the rust belt is the key to this election.

Ally Sheedy agrees,

but feels that Dukakis might have lost Ohio

when he picked Bentsen instead of John Glenn.

Now Rob Lowe feels that this might be the year

that Dukakis makes some inroads into the farm belt.

But I have to agree with Morgan Fairchild.

Morgan says that if Quayle is playing anywhere,

it’s in the Midwest,

so Morgan gives only Iowa, Wisconsin, and Minnesota to Dukakis.

Now, I was talking to Linda Lavin...

TV’s Alice.

Yes. And she points out

that Kitty Dukakis would be the first Jewish first lady,

so I’m giving New York to Dukakis.

Now here’s something to watch out for.

How many of his own home states will Bush take?

Orson Bean says both Maine and Connecticut.

Dukakis will take his own home state.

Rhode Island, Vermont, and New Hampshire goes for Bush.

Now, Linda Lavin was saying that Kitty will help in New Jersey,

but Joe Piscopo said no, no, no.

Joe says Delaware and New Jersey for Bush,

but West Virginia and Maryland for Dukakis.

Now, the scuttlebutt from Judd Nelson

is that things are tightening up in the border states,

and Sally Field says, "Judd, you’re dreaming."

That brings us down south,

and where I have to agree with Leif Garrett.

That would be Justine’s boyfriend.

Gee, I didn’t know that.

Maybe that’s where he got this.

Anyway, Leif says solid south, solid south

for Bush, even... I’m sorry, Linda Lavin, Florida.

Okay, now that brings us to what Lisa Bonet calls

the big enchilada.

Talking, of course, about Texas.

Now, Lisa was talking to Shelley Fabares.

Donna Reed’s daughter on the old Donna Reed Show.

Yes. And Shelley says that while Dukakis is behind in Texas,

that Bentsen has a tremendous "get out the vote" operation.

Dukakis by a whisper.

Now, we got to what Tony Randall calls the solid west.

Tony Randall’s solid west,

which will bring us to where

Molly Ringwald says this election is going to be decided.

- The west coast. - Exactly.

Now, Molly was talking to Debra Winger.

And Debra, as you know, shot Officer And A Gentleman in Washington,

and she tells me that Washington, Oregon and California

within reach for Dukakis,

combined with Hawaii’s four electoral votes,

this all adds up to 270, the exact number needed for a Dukakis victory.

Thank you again, Al.

The current issue of Spinmagazine

on page 47, has a Trojan condom ad

that actually has a Trojan lubricated condom in it.

Now this campaign was done in good conscience,

but I don’t think it was wise

to staple these things in here like this.

They have ten rules for condom use here,

and I love rule number ten.

It says, remember, never re-use a condom.

Thank you, guys, for that news flash.

I’m sure I would have stumbled on that by myself eventually.

You know how they test condoms now?

They pull ’em down over Howie Mandel’s head.

Well, one of McGarrett’s boys, Chin Ho,

came to Manhattan this week. Hey, Chin.

Those whales trapped beneath the ice in Alaska

were finally freed this week when actress Shelley Winters

dove into the icy waters, swam to the pair,

and led them to safety.

There’s got to be a morning after.

In a follow-up story, here’s what happened to those whales.

They left Alaska, came down the west coast,

through the Panama Canal, the Gulf,

up the east coast.

This morning, to the surprise of many New Yorkers,

they broke through the ice in the Rockefeller Center skating rink.

Sadly, they were immediately booked as vagrant mammals,

and sent to Rikers Island to await trial.

Imelda Marcos returned to New York City this week

to face charges of racketeering and embezzlement.

The former Philippine first lady and her husband

were accused of looting more than $100 million

from their national treasury.

The criminal arraignment took place last Monday

in Manhattan at Bergdorf-Goodman,

where Mrs. Marcos scoffed at the allegations,

but could offer no explanation for her gold-plated legs.

And now, with a final comment on the electoral process,

here is the man that I look up to most

in the entire world, A. Whitney Brown,

with The Big Picture. Whitney.

Well, my friends, over 200 years ago,

the fathers of our nation created the office of president.

I know it probably seemed like a good idea at the time.

After all, in those days, all you had to do

was vote for the man you liked the most.

But then, sometime around the Tyler campaign,

it degenerated into the lesser of two evils.

You had to vote for the man you disliked the least.

And now, finally, in 1988,

it’s come to the point where you have to vote against

the man you dislike the most.

Maybe our soil has been depleted

of some essential leadership nutrients.

Or maybe our diet is too rich. It happened to the French.

Reagan is no exception.

No matter how much you like him,

you have to admit, he’s no Richard Nixon.

But the scary thing is, the time will come

when Jimmy Carter looks like a great president.

When you put all this into the big picture,

you can point the blame at New Hampshire.

They pick both candidates.

Every election, they get first choice.

I know we trust them because they seem solid. The Granite state.

Well, it’s more like "the small mammals by the side of the road" state.

There they are, passing themselves off

as some kind of Norman Rockwell American archetypes.

"Live free or die." That’s their motto.

It’s on all their license plates.

When you think that these license plates are made

by people in prison,

well, it makes you wonder what it really means.

I’ll tell you, I’ve been there a few times,

and as far as I can tell,

it’s an indication of how cheap they are.

"Live free or die."

Well, maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe it’s perfectly safe

to hand over the destiny of our nation

to a pack of maple-syrup swilling squirrel worshippers.

But apparently,

the idea has set the rest of the nation

aflame with indifference.

You know, last year in Haiti,

hundreds of penniless peasants

laid down their lives in brutal massacre,

simply for the privilege of casting a ballot.

And here, in the home of the brave,

40% of the electorate doesn’t even bother

to walk down the block to the polls.

Even less if it looks like rain.

Maybe it’s time to think about holding our primaries in Haiti.

But either way, I’ll see you at the polls.

- Thank you. - Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, Whitney.

A spokesman for MTV revealed this week

that Quiet Riot, Guns N’ Roses,

Metallica, Krokus, the Scorpions,

Helix, Motley Crue, and Poison

are all, in fact, the same band.

Violence broke out this week

at a California Raisin concert

at the Altamont Speedway outside of San Francisco.

A local motorcycle gang, Hells Prunes,

hired as the Raisins’ bodyguards,

evidently roughed up the guitarist for

the Jefferson Airplane, who opened the show.

The spokesman for the Raisins said,

"Hey, man, sex, bran, and rock and roll."

In view of all the deadly computer viruses

that have been spreading lately,

Weekend Update would like to remind you,

when you link up to another computer,

you’re linking up to every computer

that that computer has ever linked up to.

And remember, only 76 more shopping days

till Reagan’s gone.

Hey, Audrey, get well, ’cause guess what?

That’s the news.

The following program has been paid for by...

Good evening. I’m Mike Dukakis.

I’m the Democratic candidate for president of the United States.

Several months ago, when we purchased

this half hour of television time,

we planned to use it for a last-minute appeal

to undecided voters.

But quite frankly...

After meeting with my advisors,

and seeing the latest polls,

it’s clear to me, and it would be clear to anyone,

that I don’t have a Chinaman’s chance

of winning this election.

I’m gonna be beaten.

Badly beaten.

And I see no reason to sit here tonight

and pretend otherwise.

However, now I’ve got 30 minutes

of pre-paid, non-refundable network time.

I can sit here and give you

the same old song and dance

about the jobs and the wages,

the best America is yet to come.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But if you haven’t bought it by now, why bother?

So instead of speeches, I decided to throw a party

for everyone involved in the campaign.

It’s a good party.

A fun party.

And you’re invited.

After all... with federal matching funds,

you paid for half of it.

So come on in.

Everybody’s here. Come on, don’t be shy.

Well, here’s my running mate, Lloyd Bentsen.

And I looked him straight in the eye and said,

"Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy."

Lloyd, how’s that martini treating you?

Not too bad, Mike.

I wish the polls were treatin’ us a little bit better.

Well, Lloyd, we represent unpopular, discredited views.

Mike, now that it’s all over,

you can tell me.

You were going to raise taxes, weren’t you?

You bet I was.

Through the roof.

But now, I won’t get the chance.

Michael, would you come over here, please?

Well, as usual,

Ted Kennedy’s got his eye on a beautiful brunette.

In this case, it’s my wife Kitty.

This is very nice.

What’s it made of?

Senator Kennedy, please. Please.

You know, Kitty, after a defeat like this,

Mike’s gonna need some time alone.

If you like, you’re welcome to come down to Hyannis Port

for a few days.

Of course, you can have your own room.

I don’t think that would be a good idea, do you, senator?

Here. Watch this.

Well, it looks like these two wanna be alone.

There’s my good friend Leroy Neiman.

Let’s go see what Leroy’s doing.

Hello, Leroy. That’s great.

It’s great, and what do you call it?

Governor, I call this "What Might Have Been."

It shows the nuclear aircraft carrier Nimitz

after its conversion into

a floating shelter for the homeless.

Well, it’s beautiful, Leroy.

I think it’s right up there with

the Olympic moments series you did for Burger King.

Thanks, Mike.

Mike! My main man!

( CHUCKLES ) Willie Horton.

Give me five.

Come on, give me five.

Hey, man, this party is great.

Ya know, thanks for the furlough.

It’s no problem, homeboy.

I’m just sorry I won’t be able to give you

that presidential pardon.

Oh, that’s all right, man. You tried.

- Say, you know Donna Rice? - Of course.

- Hi, Mike. - Hello, Donna.

Would you like to join us in some dirty dancing?

Maybe later, kids.

But now, come with me.

I’d like you to meet the person that I consider

the greatest living American.

It’s former president Jimmy Carter.

I looked him right in the eye and said,

"Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy."

Yes, I think I heard that, Lloyd.

Jimmy.

Oh, hello, Mike. Hello, Mike. How are you?

Well, I’m about to lose as bad as you did.

Maybe worse.

How did you deal with it afterwards?

Well, basically, Michael, you go through three stages.

The first is denial.

I did win, I am the president. Yahoo!

Then, when Reagan got inaugurated,

I had to move on to the next phase.

- Which is? - Anger.

I was one pissed-off cracker.

And then what?

Then, Michael, it’s acceptance.

I had to accept the fact that I was a downer.

A liberal downer.

A malaise-ridden liberal downer.

A free-spending, malaise-ridden liberal downer,

who only knew--

Jimmy, Jimmy, believe me, I understand.

Well, now, is that Joan Baez?

It is. Come on. Let’s go listen.

Why don’t you join us?

* Unilateral disarmament *

* Abortion on demand *

* Take everybody’s guns away *

* And toss them in the sand *

* Free needles for the addict *

* Free condoms for the kids *

* We’ll not blame the criminal *

* For anything he did *

* For who can say what’s right or wrong? *

* Is there such a thing as sin? *

* And does it really matter *

* If wars we lose or win? *

Well, thanks for coming to the party.

That just about does it for the campaign.

Ya know, I think the one thing

that really hurt us is the fact...

...that Reaganomics works. It really does.

Aren’t you better off than you were eight years ago?

I know I am. How about the rest of you?

I wish you weren’t, but you are.

You are better off.

And there’s no denying it.

Well, I’d like to thank my guests,

my running mate, Lloyd Bentsen,

who asked me to remind you that he’s still on the ballot

for senator down in Texas.

My other guests, Jane Fonda,

Daniel Ortega,

and of course, my good friend Ted Kennedy.

Good night. Good night.

This has been a paid political announcement

by the Democratic National Committee.

Oh, nice hit. Nice hit.

Nice jab. Oh, yeah.

Cover up, cover up.

Watch his right, watch his right.

His eye’s swelling. They’re stopping the fight.

- Square biz? - What’d I say?

He’s still got a lot left in him.

See, that’s the problem with hockey.

They always stop the fights.

How about another cold one, Sammy?

What are you sayin’? You want another cold one?

- What’d I say? - Beautiful.

Hey, look at this, Sammy.

Big fight broke out last night at the Flyers game.

BOTH: Ah, beautiful!

You know what I’m gonna do someday, Sammy?

What are you gonna do?

Someday, I’m gonna try out for a professional hockey team.

- Square biz? - What’d I say?

Beautiful.

I’m gonna get a nice pair of blades,

get up every morning at the crack of dawn,

and practice all day, get a reputation,

people will be... awww.

Who am I kiddin’? There’s another thing I’m never gonna do.

Oh! Nice cheap shot into the boards.

That’s some crack on that one, Sammy.

Is that legal?

No, but no one said nothin’.

He got away with it.

Ah, beautiful!

Sammy, you got some of that crap fung doo over there?

What are you sayin’? Are you sayin’ you want some more crap dung foo?

- Yeah, what’d I say? - Here you go.

You know what I’m gonna do someday, Sammy?

- What are you gonna do? - I’m gonna go into my own business.

- Square biz? - What’d I say?

Beautiful.

Yeah, I’m gonna make hockey sticks.

Something that a hockey player

could really get a lot of use out of.

You could call them Sammy sticks.

Nah, it’s gonna be like a Swiss army stick.

It’s gonna be a regular hockey stick,

with large, fold-out attachments,

like a stiletto,

maybe a corkscrew for gougin’ eyes.

Maybe a big file for jabbin’.

And then I’m gonna have another regular hockey stick

with barbed wire all over the handle. I’m gonna sell helmets.

Oh, who am I kiddin’? That’s another thing I’m never gonna do.

Hey, how about another cold one, Sammy?

What, you want another cold one?

- What’d I say? - Beautiful.

Hey, you guys got any jumper cables?

- Hey, Lenny. - Lenny!

Oh, nice cross check.

Hey, what are you watchin’, Geraldo?

I was watchin’ the hockey game.

I thought you was gonna watch with us.

Nah, it’s gotten too violent for me.

All that gratuitous fighting, vicarious aggression.

It’s a symptom of the corruption

of values and integrity in our society.

- Square biz? - What’d I say?

BOTH: We don’t know.

Sammies, I volunteered to coach the Little League team

down at the community center.

- Square biz? - Yeah.

I figured you gotta start ’em young.

Teach ’em good sportsmanship.

Teach ’em you can play hockey without violence.

I’m gonna teach ’em you don’t have to fight

to have a good time.

I’m gonna...

Ah, who am I kiddin’?

ALL: There’s another thing you’re never gonna do!

- Oh, good head butt! - Nice cross check!

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you for coming.

Go out there and vote, unless you elect not to.

Thank you very much.