All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E03.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Special musical guest
Randy Newman

with Mark Knopfler.

And starring
John Larroquette.

Ladies and gentlemen,
John Larroquette.

Yes.

Yes, don’t hold back.

Let it all out.

( WILD APPLAUSE
CONTINUES )

Feels good,
doesn’t it?

Oh, God,
it’s great to be back.

Center stage on
Saturday Night Live.

I love
doing this show.

I love the sketches,
I love working with the cast,

but all of that
pales in comparison

to this moment.

Me, alone,
center stage,

with millions of adoring eyes
fixed on John Larroquette.

( APPLAUSE RESUMES )

That’s right.

Feed me. Fill me up!

Yes! I am at
the center.

This is where
I belong.

A year and a half ago,
I hosted this show

and I tasted
the sweetness of this moment.

But then...

I had to let it go.

Week after week,

a pathetic parade
of pretenders

stood up here,

and tried to fill
my shoes.

And I could only watch.

How painful
was my exile.

But now I am back
in full glory.

- All energies...
- ( APPLAUSE RESUMES )

converge and fix upon me.

This is my spot.

So...

Who thinks they’re man enough
to take it away from me, huh?

Come on!
You’re all envious.

You’re out there.

Who has the guts
to steal my limelight?

There must be somebody.

How about you, tourist?

This is your moment.
Seize it.

You can tell all your friends
back in Tourist Town

that you bested
Larroquette.

Ha ha ha,
not man enough, huh?

Oh, and what have we here?
A college boy.

I won’t even ask you.

You’re too busy hiding
in your ivory tower.

Yes, that’s right.
Come on. Take your
best shot.

Come on, come on,
come on.

( APPLAUSE )

What was that?
Did a breeze brush my cheek?

None of you
are fit to challenge me.

I am far too powerful.

( MANIACAL
LAUGHTER )

John, I think
the spotlight

is goin’ to
your head a little bit.

Come on, let’s just
get outta here.

John, John!

John, come on!

- What is my name?
- John Larroquette.

- Who am I?
- You’re the host
of the show.

King of the studio.

That’s right.

And we have got a show
worthy of me.

Randy Newman is here,
so don’t go away.

We’ll be right back.

John F. Kennedy
was 6’1".

Abraham Lincoln
was 6’4".

Franklin Delano Roosevelt
was 6’1".

George Bush
is 6’2".

But Michael Dukakis
is 5’5 1/2".

Good evening,
and welcome to...

Tonight we bring you
our nine-part...

part nine, rather,
of our ten-part series

in the life of
Pablo Picasso,

a man whose work changed
the course of our history.

Few realize it,
but late in life,

Picasso,
then an artistic superstar,

was unusually generous
with his talent.

Let’s visit him now at
the Cafe de la Place.

Monsieur Picasso,
this young American
wishes to meet you.

Mr. Picasso, I’m so
thrilled to talk to you.

I’ve been struggling
to sell my paintings
for eight years,

and your inspiration
is the only thing
that’s kept me going.

Ha ha! Eight years, huh?

Here, give me
this piece of paper.

You sell this little doodle
to any art gallery,

you take the next
eight years off.

Thank you,
Mr. Picasso.
Thank you so much.

I’m Picasso!

Will there be
anything else?

Yeah, get me a slab
of that white cake.
No, wait a second.

Here. Get me a corner piece
with lots of frosting.

Not a bad deal, huh?

Yes, monsieur.
Thank you, monsieur.

Yeah, well, it comes
easy to me.

I’m Picasso!

Hey, this is really good.
This kid has talent.

Kid, kid, kid,
let me see that.

Let me see
what you got there.
Bring it over here.

Let’s see.
Well, well, well.

Not bad, but now,
it’s worth something, huh?

A lot of something.

There. Go to college
on me, sonny boy.
No, wait a second.

There. Go to law school!

Hey, I’m Picasso.
There’s only one!

Hey, lady,
what you eatin’?

It’s a chocolate
soufflé.

Yeah?

Now it’s
a masterpiece.

Go ahead and buy
the restaurant, sister.

Hey, Maestro!

Give me this violin.
Come here, you.

Here you go.
Smashed by Picasso.

Yeah, thank me.
I’m Picasso.

Hey! Hey, fellas.

Up for grabs!

Hey, stick around, fellas.
Picasso’s got hay fever.

Here’s your cake.

And here is
your bill.

Oh... oh...

Oh, well, well, well.

Seems like Picasso
left his wallet at home.

What is Picasso
gonna do?

Give me this pen.
This’ll take all of ten seconds.

I’ll handle this.

Well, Mr. Picasso!

We’ve had just about
enough of your shenanigans.

Look, Rochinboux,
I don’t have the scratch,

so pipe down.
I’ll scribble you something.

The honeymoon
is over, Picasso.

Either you pay
or you wash.

Listen to me,
you stuffed shirt.

There ain’t no way
Picasso’s doing dishes.

Well, we’ll see.

We’ll just see about that,
Mr. Picasso.

What a revoltin’
development.

In the final years,

Picasso’s artistic output
diminished

due to his constant
feuding with Rochinboux.

It wasn’t until they
were accidentally locked
in a bank vault together

that they reached
a common understanding.

Join us next week
for another...

* Monday night,
Monday night *

* Is always party night
around me *

* Poor me, poor me *

* Pour me
another drink *

DON PARDO:
Finally, in one
record collection,

the up and down career
of one of country’s

best-loved and most
unpredictable superstars,

Vernon Hawley Jr.

* Scotch is for
the highway *

* And rye for
dirt roads *

* Prison bars
don’t serve liquor *

* And it’s always
closing time in jail *

* Wednesday night,
Wednesday night *

* Don’t tell me
everything ain’t all right *

* Dear son *

* I’m sorry *

* I let you down *

* Again *

Ride the emotional
rollercoaster of
Vernon’s life with...

* I lost every friend
that I’ve ever had *

* ’ Cept Jack Daniel’s *

* Old Grand-dad and me *

* Jack Daniel’s,
Old Grand-dad and me *

* We’re as happy
as we could ever be *

And of course,
Vernon’s biggest hit...

* I’m drunk *

* Just like you thunk *

* Drunk as a skunk *

* That’s right,
I’m drunk *

Those who have been
lucky enough

to hear him in concert

on those occasions
when he showed up,

know the magic of
Vernon Hawley Jr.

* Dear son *

* I stood and watched you
in the schoolyard *

* And I feel
so ashamed *

* Oh, I just found
a fifty-dollar bill *

* Buddy, you and me
can drink our fill *

* Face down
at Christmas again *

All the peaks and valleys,
the highs and lows of

one of country’s most enduring
yet erratic superstars.

* One day at a time *

* I’m grateful
to be sober *

* Off the wagon,
on the warpath *

* Look out, here comes
Vernon again *

Until now,
it was impossible

to put together
this three-record set

of Vernon Hawley Jr.’s
greatest hits,

because we couldn’t
find him.

But finally, you can experience
the apogees and nadirs

of one of country’s
most mercurial stars

by sending 19.95 to:

I hope you remember
these old tunes,

’cause I don’t.

John F. Kennedy’s parents
were born in America.

Abraham Lincoln’s parents
were born in America.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s
parents were born in America.

George Bush’s parents
were born in America.

But Michael Dukakis’
parents...

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you.

Good evening,
and what can I tell ya?

The rumor flying around
the campaign trail this week

is that Vice-President
George Bush

has not always been
faithful to his wife Barbara.

Weekend Updatehas learned that
he has had a string of affairs

over the last five years.

Some guys are just freaks
for a certain type.

On the campaign trail
this week,

Vice-President Bush
made whirlwind appearances

in Los Angeles, Chicago,
Houston, Dallas and New York,

while running mate
Dan Quayle made stops at

Pixley, Dog Patch,
Hooterville,

and a big stump speech at
Floyd’s barbershop in Mayberry.

You know, this kid’s
harder to get at now

than a mob informant.

Another poll this week
shows that many Americans

feel that Lloyd Bentsen
is a heartbeat away
from no heartbeat.

President Reagan this week
fulfilled his year-old promise

to Soviet premier
Mikhail Gorbachev

that if he would sign
the INF treaty,

Reagan would eat
a warhead.

Now let me
get this straight.

Bush is anti-abortion,
but pro death penalty.

I guess it’s all
in the timing, huh?

Have you noticed the...

( APPLAUSE )

Have you noticed, the more
confident this guy gets,

the more stupid
he begins to look?

Out in Euclid, Ohio,
this week,

following the debate
and the latest poll results,

Michael Dukakis
picked up a trumpet

and played his newly adopted
official campaign song.

Let’s hear
a little of it.

( PLAYING "TAPS" )

From time to time,
we invite people

with different points of view
to express their opinions,

With us to discuss
the 1988 presidential campaign

is political nut case
Lyndon LaRouche. Hi, Lyndon.

The 1988
presidential campaign

has come down ultimately to
the choice between two evils.

On the one hand,
the wicked George Bush,

on the other,
the demented Michael Dukakis.

Bush, a former member of the
satanic Trilateral Commission,

is a known co-conspirator

of the homosexual
child molester Henry Kissinger.

However, it is the severely
deranged Dukakis

who poses the greatest threat
to our very survival.

Not since 1972, when
the psychotic Thomas Eagleton

was chosen as running mate
by the fiendish George McGovern,

has our nation been
so at risk.

The maniacal Dukakis,

in collusion with
the depraved Lloyd Bentsen,

and the International
Monetary Fund,

seek a policy of
systematic genocide

against the people
of the third world.

A policy that could
only have been hatched

in the mind of
the most diabolical fiend

of the 20th century,
Walter Mondale.

And now,
the madman Dukakis,

along with his
confederates,

the murderous John Glenn,

the sinister Bill Bradlee,

and the black Mephistopheles,
Jesse Jackson,

have set about
to perpetrate

the greatest
lie of them all.

That I... am insane.

Well, thank you,
Lyndon.

We here at Weekend Update
always enjoy hearing
a different point of view.

I doubt that.

Being that NBC has
plotted against me
for years,

and General Electric
is one of the world’s
largest launderers

of drug money.

All right, then.

Thank you for sharing
your opinions,
and good luck.

I’ll get you for that.

Well, the last liberal
in America, Ira Halperin,

was hunted down
with bloodhounds today

in the remote hills
of eastern Tennessee.

Under intense
police questioning,

Halperin confessed to
having smoked pot

during the ’60s and having
opposed the war in Vietnam.

Tragically, Halperin
was later dragged from his cell

and lynched by moderately
conservative vigilantes.

Leon Lederman, Melvin Schwartz
and Jack Steinberger

were awarded the Nobel prize
in physics this week

for their experiments
with neutrinos,

tiny ghostlike particles that
travel at the speed of light.

The results of
their experiments show

that neutrinos are also great
with sliced bananas and cream.

Ousted Philippine president
Ferdinand Marcos,

charged this week with
embezzling $100 million

and using the money to buy
four New York buildings,

said today that he was
living in the buildings

when they went co-op,
and was able to buy them

at a special insider price.

Chainsaw murderers
from all over Alaska

rushed to help
the trapped whales this week.

Those whales continue
to be stranded

near Point Barrow, Alaska.

They were locked into
an ice floe

after not leaving soon enough
for their southern migration.

What do you wanna bet
it was the woman whale

who wasn’t dressed,
wasn’t ready,

and the guy whale
ends up paying the price?

You know, when I see
these whale pictures,

it always reminds me
of the pickle jar

at the Carnegie Deli.

And now, with an editorial
on the presidential race,

here’s our very own
Kevin Nealon.

Hello, Kevin.

I have one comment
on the upcoming elections.

And believe me, I’m not
an authority on politics,

and I’m not pretending
to have all the answers.

God knows, I don’t.

Even if I did, I’d be the last
one to force my views on anyone.

Because, you know,
I’ve been wrong before,

and I could be wrong again.

And above all, I’m not trying
to tell you what to do.

So you can take this
or leave it.

It’s not written in stone.

Just my opinion.

And everyone’s entitled
to their own opinion.

And it may very well
differ from yours.

That’s fine.

It’s just a subjective
reaction to what I’ve seen,

and for all I know,
I could be way off base on this.

So by all means,
take it with a grain of salt.

I’m not trying
to brainwash you.

I’m not trying to make up
your mind for you.

It’s just a simple comment.

It’s not gospel.

I’m not an expert,
believe me.

I’m not trying to pretend
it’s the end all-be all.

So with that in mind,
I’d like to say that

whether you’re pro Bush
or pro Dukakis,

you should still
get out and vote...

unless it’s raining
or it’s inconvenient,

you don’t feel like it
or something.

So there, I’ve said it.
Thanks.

Well, the rock group Chicago
recently released a new album,

Chicago 19.

This comes as startling news
to all of us

who bailed out at
number two.

The Los Angeles Dodgers,

even though they were
decimated by injuries,

and forced to use
second and third-string players,

won the World Series
on Thursday night.

( SCATTERED
APPLAUSE AND BOOS )

This isn’t Morton Downey.

By defeating the Oakland A’s
5 to 2.

The winning pitcher
for the Dodgers

was the cute old bald guy
from the Benny Hill show.

This week, Robin Givens
announced that not only

would she refuse to take
any money from Mike Tyson,

but she would also give the
champ over a million dollars.

Afterward, she plans
to work among the poor
with Mother Teresa.

In a recent survey, people
said they still don’t like her.

You know, I think the reason
Robin Givens balked on asking

for Mike Tyson’s money

is that people were starting
to refer to her as Robin Leach.

Well, the Tyson-Givens marriage
is now officially on the rocks.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

You didn’t have to be
Dr. Ouija to see that coming.

But what shocks me
is the populace’s reaction

to the rift.
I mean, come on.

They’re two young people
who gave it an honest shot.

It didn’t work out.

Hey, kids,
join the club.

What’s the divorce rate
in this country, 108%?

There are
marriages in America

that don’t last as long as
the Tyson-Spinks fight.

Let’s quit passing
judgment here,

and let Kramer and Kramer
figure it out for themselves.

Besides, if we keep leaning
on Robin like this,

I’m afraid it’ll start
affecting her work
on Head of the Class,

and I wouldn’t want
that to happen.

Now here with
a counterpoint is me.

Hey, Captain Hairdo,
wake up.

Robin Givens,
and Robin taketh away.

Okay, babe?
This chick’s bad news.

She and her mother
had a one-year plan.

Get in, get the champ’s
cash, and get out.

Nobody gets hurt.

Oh, yeah,
Princess Gold Digger?

Nobody except the lithium
teddy bear, Mike Tyson.

Wake up, ice queen.
It’s Mike, not Michael, okay?

What are we,
Edwin Newman here?

And what’s with this
mother-in-law, Ruth Rope-A-Dope?

There’s a scary dame, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I didn’t see
that much of my mother
when she was carrying me.

Givens says,
"We’re a package."

Yeah? Listen closely.
You can hear it ticking.

She says Tyson threw tantrums.
Big deal.

Give this siren ten minutes
alone with Mr. Rogers,

I’ll bet you old Fred
starts ripping the heads off

all his puppets.

Now she says...

Okay, Pepe.

Now she says...
easy, Cha-Cha.

Now she says
she doesn’t want his money.

Hey, baby,
that’s not good enough.

The way I see it,
he should sue her

for half the earnings on that
high school show she does.

Yeah, now that
we’re on the subject,

I’m still steamed at ABC
for cutting Welcome Back, Kotter

around a decade ago.

My friend Ronnie Palillo
still isn’t getting work,

and to me, he was,
and always will be,

the definitive
Horshack, okay?

That’s the comment,
and I am outta here.

Easy, Cha-Cha.

Okay.

God, I despise him.

But there’s just
something about him, huh?

The last piece
of American real estate

was purchased yesterday
by Akito Takamito,

a 30-year-old Japanese
janitor.

When informed that the deal
had been closed,

Takamito cried,
"We win, we win!"

President Reagan’s eyes

got even a little spookier
than usual this week.

Ernest Borgnine
planted a big, wet one

on Buddy Hackett’s
cheek this week,

and grossed out
the entire universe.

And the Reverend
Al Sharpton

was in the news
again this week,

but not on my time, pal.

Hey, guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

Tonight...

And God be with you.

Jim, hear me out.
He’s only brain dead.

No, no, no,
just listen.

You can hook him up
to one of those
thing-a-majigs.

I’m no scientist
or anything,

but we’ll keep
his vital organs alive.

Limit his personal
appearances.

Michael, face
the facts.

Dan Quayle is president.

( INTERCOM BUZZES )

Yes?

WOMAN: Mr. Baker,
Vice-President Quayle is here.

Jim, Mike.

I just got off
the phone with my dad.

He, uh, said
the president is sick.

He’s not sick
anymore... Mr. President.

Oh, great. Great.

Because let’s face it.
I’m not ready to be
president here, all right?

Come on. Whew!

I mean, maybe
eight years from now.

That’s another thing,
but tell you the truth,

the whole idea of it
just gives me the serious
heebie-jeebies.

- Sir...
- Whoo!

Sir, the president
is dead.

You are
the president.

Wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Let’s just
back up that thought.

Hold on there, mister.
What was that again?

President Bush
is gone.

You, Dan Quayle,
are the president.

( WHISTLES )

Whoo!

Whoa, boy.

( WHISTLES )

( WHISTLING
CONTINUES )

Whoo!

( WHISTLES )

( WHISTLES )

Tomorrow night on
Dan Quayle President.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Next on...

- Hi, Helene.
- Hi, Ed.

- Hey, Big Russ.
- Hey, Ed.

What can I do
for you, Ed?

Ooh, you can do
a lot for me, Helene.

But you better
just take my order.

Behave yourself.
You’re a married man.

Yeah, but I ain’t
dead yet.

Just some coffee for now.

You want sugar, Russ?

I’d love some sugar
from you, Helene,

but I thought
you were married.

- ( LAUGHTER )
- He got you, Helene.

He sure did.

( PANTS RUBBING TOGETHER
WITH WHOOSHING SOUND )

( WHOOSHING SOUND
CONTINUES )

Oh, hi, Frank.

You keep comin’ in here
like this,

my husband’s gonna
think I got a boyfriend.

Hello, Helene.
I wouldn’t have to
keep coming here so often

if you’d keep this place
up to health department
standards.

I’ll keep my standards up,
you keep your pants on.

Oh, she got you, Frank.

( PANTS WHOOSHING )

I’m just gonna
go in the back,

and recheck
the temperature
in your freezer.

Better cool yourself down
while you’re in there.

You got him, Helene.

- Hey, one more
refill, honey.
- ( WHOOSHING )

Give me a refill, too.

Your cooler’s fine,
Helene, but I’m afraid

the dishwater’s not
sufficiently hot.

Helene, why don’t you
take him in the back

and show him how to
turn on the heat, huh?

Oh, he’d like
that, wouldn’t he?

( RAPID
WHOOSHING )

I don’t think your grill
has been rubbed down
in a long time.

I’ll tell you
something else

that ain’t been
rubbed down lately.

You got him, Helene.

You better just keep
your mind on business, Frank.

( WHOOSHING )

Well, I think
I’ll just sit down
and have a Coke

while I fill out
my report.

Yeah, and enjoy
the scenery.

Don’t forget you’re
a married man, eh, Frank?

Yeah, I might be married,
but I’m not dead yet.

It sure ain’t the coffee
that keeps me comin’ back.

I had an incredible time.
I hope you did.

Mark Knopfler,
Randy Newman,
and this entire cast.

They’re absolutely
the best!

Have a great night.
Enjoy yourselves.