All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E02.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Musical guest
The Sugarcubes.

And starring
Matthew Broderick.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Matthew Broderick.

Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot.

It’s great to be here.

I can’t believe I’m finally
hosting Saturday Night Live.

I should tell you,
I’m pretty nervous.

This is my first time
doing live television,

and it’s a little scary.

There’s several rules
to doing a monologue

on a show like this.

The first rule is
to project vulnerability.

You pretend
you’re nervous,

and it helps get
the audience on your side.

Also, it’s always good
to remind them

that it’s a live show,
and anything can happen.

This is a live show,
and anything can happen,

especially when you’re
working with a group like this,

because after spending
a week with these people,

I can tell you,
this group is crazy.

Rule number two: always say,
"This group is crazy."

It reinforces
the element of danger,

and it flatters
the writers.

Makes them feel like
they haven’t lost their edge.

Boy, let me tell you.

Live TV is the scariest
thing in the world.

I mean, if you mess up
something on live TV,

that’s it, you don’t get to
do it three or four times

like you do
in the movies.

Rule number three:

always work in
a mention of your movie.

Speaking of movies,
I just completed one.

It’s called
Torch Song Trilogy,

and it’s opening
December 14th.

( APPLAUSE )

I’m feeling...

I’m feeling better now,
and I’m all relaxed.

I’m all rehearsed,
and my hands are clean.

Rule number four:

employees must
wash their hands.

So it’s gonna be
a great show.

We have the Sugarcubes
here, so stick around.

We’ll be right back.

- Four eyes.
- You’re a four eyes!

You are
such a four eyes!

Get outta here,
four eyes.

- Four eyes!
- Four eyes!

( DERISIVE
LAUGHTER )

Hey, look at
that kid.

Hey, look at
the baby!

Yeah, look at
the baby.

- Hey there, baby.
- Hello.

So what are you?

You’re a baby.

Does baby
miss his mommy?

Sure, I miss my mommy.
I haven’t seen her
in 20 minutes.

You’re such a baby!

Yeah, you’re
such a baby!

Hey, does baby
wear diapers?

Yeah, baby, are
those your diapers?

Yes, they are.

Why is the baby
wearing diapers?

Well, they keep
my bottom dry
if I wet myself.

You’re such a baby.

Yeah. Does baby
want his bottle?

Well, I have my bottle.

The problem is,
I’m running a little
low on formula.

Could one of you
mix me some?

What a baby.

Is that your
rattle, baby?

If that’s what
they call it.

Makes a rattling sound.

What a baby.

Does baby wanna
play with his rattle?

Yes. When I’m bored,
I play with it.
It entertains me.

* Baby, baby, baby *

* Baby,
baby, baby *

A song about me.

Why you wearing
a bonnet, baby?

Oh, it’s a shield to protect
my soft pink head from the sun.

And does
the widdle
baby cwy?

If by widdle,
you mean little,
sure, I cry a lot.

ALL: Awww!

Don’t feel bad.

It’s never because
of a big problem.

Usually I’m just
hungry or tired or startled.

Or maybe I soiled myself.

You’re such
a baby!

Yeah, what
are you,
a baby?

Such a baby.

Baby,
baby.

Hey, guys,
look it!

Hey, look at
the fairy.

- Hey, fairy.
- Hi, fairy.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, fairy,
is that your
fairy wand?

Yes, it is.

So tell us, fairy,
where are you from?

Are you from
fairy land?

Yes, I am.
Do I know you?

He’s such a fairy.

Yeah, maybe the fairy
wants to carry baby

all the way home
to his mommy.

That would be
all right.

Actually, I could
use a lift.

- Sure.
- Not out of
your way?

Don’t be silly.

Hey, baby, I hear
your mommy calling.

Really? We better
hurry then.

I’ll do my best.

- Look at the baby.
- Look at the fairy.

( JEERING CONTINUES )

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you.
Good evening.

And what can I tell you?

The results of last Thursday’s
presidential debates

were invalidated yesterday
when authorities found

traces of steroids in debate
moderator Bernard Shaw’s urine.

After the debate,

Governor Dukakis was joined
on the platform

by his wife Kitty
and his son Festus.

Much of Governor Dukakis’
anger the other night

seems to be focused on
the Bush charges

labeling him a liberal.

Dukakis countered
Bush’s accusations

by saying, "When it says
liberal, liberal, liberal

"on the label,
label, label,

"you will like it,
like it, like it

on your table,
table, table."

I don’t want
anybody out there

thinking that I don’t realize
how stupid that joke is.

A Weekend Updatesnap poll of
one randomly selected voters

shows Vice-President Bush
with a commanding 100%

to Governor Dukakis’
zero percent.

( APPLAUSE
AND HISSING )

The poll, however,
has a margin of error

of plus or minus 100%.

In a related story,

a survey of Americans show
that a commanding 82%

feel that
the Los Angeles Dodgers

defeated the New York Mets
in the National League playoffs.

The poll has a margin of
error of 18%.

Wow. Gibson hit the hell
out of that ball, didn’t he?

TV verité joke.

Well, here’s an Updatequiz.

What’s the difference between
these two spherical objects?

The answer is,
eventually, the one on the left

will have
a light in it.

Sorry, Danno.
You make it so damn easy.

After lengthy negotiation
with both parties,

the Federal Election Commission
has finally agreed

to a slight modification
of the standard ballot.

The new Republican ballot
will look like this.

And the new
Democratic ballot.

People who listened to

the legendary Kennedy-Nixon
debate in 1960 on radio

felt that Nixon had won,

while those who watched it
on TV thought Kennedy won.

People who listened to
the Bush-Dukakis debate on radio

called it a draw, and those who
watched it on TV

thought they had listened
to it on the radio.

I hope Mike Tyson
and Robin Givens

straighten this thing
out soon.

I don’t need to see
this much of Barbara Walters.

And I need Judd Nelson to get
just a little weirder, okay?

Judd, call me, man.
I wanna help.

Ben Johnson
was charged with

assault and dangerous
use of a weapon

in Toronto on Tuesday.

Leaving the police station,
he commented,

"I’m going to Disneyland."

Amidst criticism,
New York mayor Ed Koch

has unveiled a new program
to wash the homeless

who reside in ever-increasing
numbers on our city streets.

Donald Trump today pledged
to donate $1.5 million
to Mother Teresa

on the condition that she change
her name to Mother Trump.

This week,
a federal study revealed

there is now
a McDonald’s restaurant

in every neighborhood
in America

except on the street
that McDonald’s owner
Joan Kroc lives on.

And now, here to put
all these vague generalities

into even...
Nice setup there, huh?

...even more vague
perspective,

is my good friend
and co-correspondent,
A. Whitney Brown,

with The Big Picture.
Welcome back, Whitney.

You know, I’ve been
watching these debates,

and I’ve noticed that one thing
the candidates never talk about

is the weather.

I think
they’re dodging the issue.

So let’s take a look
at the record.

The weather
has been terrible.

Droughts, fires,
floods, hurricanes.

This administration
has had the worst weather
in recent history.

Matter of fact,
these last eight years

have been like a nature hike
through the book of Revelations.

We have this greenhouse effect
heating up the entire planet,

the ice caps
are gonna melt,

oceans will flood
into the cities,

and then, junkies will be
able to pick up syringes

right off the sidewalk.

And just when we need
all the oxygen we can get,

somebody decided it was
the perfect moment

to turn the tropical
rain forest into chopsticks

and cheap furniture.

Species
are becoming extinct

before they’ve even
been exploited.

Now, of course, some of
these species

have only themselves
to blame.

You figure if a species
becomes extinct,

there’s a good chance it just
wasn’t working hard enough.

Either that, or maybe it had
some inherent character flaw.

Still, this accelerating
extinction rate

is a crime against nature,

because there’s gonna
come a time on this planet

when we need those animals
for medical research.

You know, this is
a little off the subject,

but there are actually animal
rights activists out there

protesting at laboratories

because they’re using
guinea pigs as guinea pigs.

I don’t know, but anyway,

the very idea that
the jaguar should become extinct

while the Pekingese survives,
indicates to me

that somebody hasn’t
thought this thing through.

Now I know this may never
be a big campaign issue,

unless it turns out
these animals are being killed

by prisoners
out on furlough,

but I do know it’s starting
to get mighty lonely up here

at the top
of the food chain,

and that, my friend,
is the big picture.

Thank you.
Whitney Brown.

Whitney Brown
with the Big Picture.

You know, I’ve been following
that election in Burma,

and I gotta tell ya,
as far as charisma goes,

that Saw Maung makes Ne Win
look like Aung San Suu Kyi.

The PTL theme park
was bought this week

for $115 million

by real estate developer
Stephen Mernick,

an orthodox Jew.

Mernick says he plans to change
the name of the place

from Heritage USA
to Cheritage,USA.

This drawing left the cast
of the Broadway hit show

Les Miserablesthis week,

and was replaced by
this drawing.

And the shroud of Turin has
finally been declared a fake.

Scientists have
carbon-dated it

only as far back as
the 12th century,

and say it’s actually an old
Joan Collins publicity still.

And the shuttle Discovery
got a little this week.

Good for you, shuttle.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

Come on, is this
great or what?

I don’t know.
I feel a little
self-conscious, Bob.

I mean, I’ve never been
to a nude beach before.

Come on. Will you
stop with this?

You have nothing
to worry about.

Everybody at this club
just hangs out here.

Everyone is here
just to relax.
That’s what it’s about.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Believe me.
In five minutes,

you’re gonna
completely forget
about it. All right?

I’m gonna introduce you
to some of the guys. Let’s go.

- Thanks.
- All right.
Come on.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Bob.

Hey, penis looks
great today.

Well, thanks, Jack.
Yours, too.

- Hey, Bob.
- Hey, Chet.
How’s your penis?

Not bad.

Good, good.

Hey, I’d like you guys
to meet Doug.

- Hey, Doug.
- Hi, guys.

Hey, pretty small
penis there.

You could pick a lock
with that penis.

Hey, that’s okay.
There’s plenty of guys
around here with small penises.

In fact,
Bill’s got one.

Hey, Bill,
come on over here
and show him your penis.

Bill,
this is Doug.

- Hi, Doug.
- Hey, Bill.

So I guess you got
a pretty small penis.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, that’s okay.
I hear it really
doesn’t matter to women.

Yeah, I read
that, too.

Okay, you guys,
enough with the
small penis talk.

Hey, guys, you wanna see
my pictures from Barbados?

Yeah, sure.

There I am with
some friends
on a catamaran.

- Penis looks great.
- Yeah, thanks.

Here I am, playing
tennis with my dad.

Hey, you’ve really got
your dad’s penis.

Yeah. And
by the way, Jack,

what have you done
to your penis?
It looks super.

I go to this place
on Long Island.
They do great work.

- You got an address?
- Sure.

I’ll write it
on my penis so
I won’t forget it.

So, Doug,
where you from?

Montpelier, Vermont.

Ooh, cold up there.

Must be tough
on your penis, huh?

- You’re from
Denver, right?
- Yeah.

Good penis town.

- Hey, everybody!
- Hey, girls.

Hey, who’s the new guy
with the penis?

Oh, that’s Doug.

- Hi, Doug.
- Hi.

- Hey, pretty
small penis.
- Yeah.

- That’s okay.
- Hey, thanks.

Hey, Dave just made
a great sand penis.

You oughta come down
and see it before
the tide comes in.

Yeah, it’s got
testicles and everything.

( ALL EXCLAIMING )

See, Doug, you have
nothing to worry about.

Yeah, I guess not.

Hey, who wants to sing
the club anthem?

- Yeah!
- All right.

* I once had a penis
sing to me *

* His penis penis song *

* And when that penis
penis sang *

* Here was the penis’ song
he’d sing me

* Penis, penis, penis, penis
penis, penis song *

* Penis, penis,
penis, penis *

* Penis all day long *

* Penis, penis,
penis, penis *

Hi. I’m Kevin Nealon.

What you just saw was an attempt
to make an important point

that wherever you go,

no matter how you look
on the outside,

we’re all
pretty much the same.

You know, when the NBC standards
department was dissolved,

and the censors let go,

we welcomed it
as an opportunity

to deal with issues
like these in a frank way.

To be honest with you,
we were a little disheartened

by the snickering we heard
during this presentation.

Kinda makes us wonder

if there’s room for
serious discussion

on these subjects
on television.

So to those of you
who missed the point,

grow up.
Really. Come on.

* Penis, penis, penis,
penis song *

* Penis, penis, penis,
penis, penis all day long *

*

Well, it’s time to look in
on the Thumpers,

that Bible-beating family
down the street,

dedicated to spreading
the good word

of eternal hell fire
and damnation.

Let’s look in and see
what they’re up to today.

You whore-mongering
servant of Satan!

You will burn in hell
for opposing the will of God!

What’s all the ruckus?

Mrs. Thumper, you’re gonna
have to do something
about your son Dwayne.

He was on the campus
preaching again today.

As principal
of the school--

You evil satanic
principal,

leader of the wicked,
evil school.

Your evil presence
desecrates our home.

Leave this place
as God has commanded you,

or rot in hell
forevermore.

We’re gonna have to
get an injunction.

You injuct with hell,
you evil fornicators!

Okay, okay.

Come on, Larry,
I’ll buy you a doughnut.

So how was your day
at school today, son?

Fine.

Did you make
the football team
like you wanted?

No. The evil coach
made a pact with Satan

to keep me
off the team.

And I damned him
and the entire team
to eternal hell!

Well, good for you, son.

Mrs. Thumper?

Mrs. Thumper,
I cleaned out
your gutters,

and I repaired
your drainpipe.

Oh, that evil, sinful gutter has
been a curse upon this house.

This was the problem.
This was stuck right in it.

Oh, that evil branch was put
here by the antichrist.

Hold my hand, son.

May that branch of Satan
burn in hell!

I’ll just put this
out in the dumpster.

Dwayne, you used
my record player again,

and I condemn you
to hell for your
evil trickery.

God has commanded me
to use your record player,

and I rebuke
your damnation.

You cannot rebuke
my damnation,

because your rebuke
is unholy unto the eyes
of the Lord!

- It is not.
- Is too.

Damn you, evil children
of Satan.

May that evil record player
be consumed by

all the fires of hell.

Dad, condemn Carla
to hell.

Condemn Dwayne
to hell.

I’m gonna condemn
you both to hell

if you do not cease
this evil bickering

which affects me
every night as I walk
through that damn door!

What’s wrong, dear?
Evil day at the office?

My evil boss is a liar
and a fornicator.

Also, he put me back on
the jackhammer again.

Oh, damn him.
Damn him to hell.

It is his evil plan
that the jackhammer
will drown out

the word of God
as it comes through me.

Woe unto him
and to all who dwell
in the mobile home office

on the evil
construction site.

Daddy, I will pray that
the mighty arm of the Lord

will smite him
and deliver him

to the bottomless
pit of oblivion.

I will, too,
Daddy.

Thanks, Kitten.

( PHONE RINGS )

I’ll get it.

Hello.

No. Yes.

You evil fornicating
son of Satan.

I condemn you to be
cast down forever--

- Hello.
- Who was it?

Wrong number.

Look, it has been
a trying day for us all

who spread
the word of the Lord.

Maybe we should go
as a family to the movies.

Honey, that’d be fun.

Die Hardis playing
at the Orpheum.

What about
Gorillas In the Mist?

Can we go to
The Last Temptation
of Christagain?

Yeah, all right.

That is
my favorite movie.

I agree.

Pagan idolaters...

( ALL YELLING )

Join us next week for
another episode of...

MAN: My BMW’s
coming next week,

and I had to
interview garages.

Smith Barney’s
an excellent firm.

Our rate of arrest
is the lowest on the street.

Then we went to this new club
called Inside Out.

It’s kind of like
the reverse of Nails.

The bouncers
let everybody in,

but then, they stand on
a big table,

point to people,
and you have to leave.

We loved it.

( LAUGHTER )

So nice of you
to invite me.

It’s too bad
Charlotte couldn’t make it.

Poor Charlotte.
Her grandmother’s dead.

Isn’t that awful?
An escalator.

Well, let’s not
talk about that.
We’re having pasta.

Now where is it
that you’re from, Laurie?

Santa Fe.

Charlotte said that
you have the funniest story.

Something about
a Winnebago.

- A Winnebago.
- And margaritas?

Is that right?
Would you tell us?

- No, I couldn’t.
- You must.

Charlotte called from
the funeral home to
remind me to ask you.

Yes, Laurie. Everyone?

Yoo-hoo.

Laurie has a story.

Charlotte says
it’s the funniest thing
she’s ever heard.

Please?

Well, a group of us
were going to celebrate

the birthday of a friend
of ours, Randy Bailey.

And I was going to meet
Randy and his wife Becky
at the Pink Adobe,

this restaurant
in Santa Fe.

Then the three of us
were going to drive to
the Bailey family ranch

- in this Winnebago.
- Winnebago.

But I was late
getting to the restaurant.

So when I saw them,
Randy stood up, nearly
knocked the table over.

So it was clear that
the birthday boy had
gotten into

the Pink Adobe margaritas.

Winnebago,
margaritas.
Okay.

And Pink Adobe margaritas
are not ordinary margaritas.

They are deep dish
margaritas.

And Randy’s
not a drinker.

Wait a minute.
I was in the Pink Adobe once.

And do you know who was
at the table next to ours?

- Andy Warhol.
- When was this?

- 1979.
- Oh, God. This was
before he died.

So Randy was a boy
who needed some food in him

if he was gonna drive
that Winnebago.

But when the waiter came,
Randy said,

"Oh, nothing
for me, thanks.

Just bring me
another margarita."

Oh!

You can see, he was
setting himself up...

Go ahead.

No, I’ll wait.

Please, Laurie,
go ahead.

Oh, okay.

So after dinner... Oh.

So, um... oh.
After dinner,

I said to Becky...

Please don’t let
that get cold.

After dinner,
I said to Becky,

"Do you think Randy can drive
the Winnebago like this?"

And was I sorry
I said that.

This is a fabulous pasta.

Thank you.

Becky said that no,
Randy couldn’t drive
the Winnebago like that,

and she couldn’t either, so
I said, "Forget the Winnebago.
We’ll take my car."

When we got to my car,
I had forgotten to put
the top up.

Oh, and it had
been raining.

I forgot to say
that it had been raining.

( DOORBELL BUZZES )

Oh, that’ll be Adam.
Mary, will you
get that, please?

Laurie, go ahead.
Will, please pass the wine.

Phyllis, will you turn
the music up just
a tiny, tiny bit?

So I was gonna
have to drive
this huge Winnebago.

I mean, the key...

I know, I know.
Sorry I’m late.

- Laurie, go ahead.
- ( ALL TALKING )

So, did you drive
that big Winnebago?

Down the mountain.

I am careening
around a bend,

and frozen in front of me
is an old mountain dog.

So I turned around
to yell for Randy,

and he’s asleep
on the floor.

And I said to myself,
the dog dies.

( LAUGHTER )

( CHOKING )

- Oh, goodness,
is he all right?
- He’s choking.

Choking? Gordon,
tell your choking story.

The one at
the White House?
That one?

Yes. Charlotte says
it’s side-splitting.

- You’ll love this.
- I’m seated between
Corazon Aquino

and Barbara Sinatra,
enjoying my pepper steak.

Pepper steak? Okay.

When suddenly...

The people and problems
you’re about to see

are real and unscripted.

Denise Venetti, PhD, will help
them with their problems.

Carla LaTrobe
has trouble planting roots.

Neil Simmons
feels he’s never alone.

Joy and Patrick Sullivan
have encountered

an obstacle
in their marriage.

Join us now as
Denise Venetti, PhD,

helps them
with their problems.

Hello. Carla?

Welcome to
Learning To Feel.

Now, Carla, you have
a problem...

finding your roots? What?

Yes. I just... I keep moving
from city to city.

I’ve had ten apartments
in three years.

Whenever I feel comfortable,
I just feel compelled

to just move on.

Hmm. It’s clear to me,
very clear to me,

that you’re frightened.

- Yes.
- What are you
frightened of?

Well, I’m frightened
of settling down.

It scares me, I guess.

So you’re frightened,
and you’re scared.

Carla, stop moving.

Huh?

You heard me.
Stop moving.

You’re frightened of it.
Don’t move anymore. Stop.

- Okay?
- Okay.

You’re right.

I mean, I’m going
to do that. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.
Thank you.

You’re next...
thank you.
Who’s next?

Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil.

Neil.

Now, Neil, you...

You feel you’re being
followed. Is that it?

Yeah. I just feel like I’m
being followed all the time.

Like people are just always
gonna creep up on me,

and they’re just
breathin’ over my shoulder...

( WHIMPERS )

Neil, it’s clear to me...

that you’re frightened.

Yes, I’m scared.

What are you
scared of, Neil?

That I’m bein’ followed.

Look behind you, Neil.
Go on, take a good look there.

Do you see
someone there?

I don’t see
anybody there.

You’re not being
followed.

You’re right.
Nobody’s there.

No. You’re scared.

You’re frightened.

But you’re not
being followed.

Oh, thank you, Denise.

No one’s there.
No one is there. Go, go.

Who is next? Yes.
Thank you.

You are Joy,
and you are Patrick Sullivan.

Welcome to
Learning To Feel.

Now, you, uh...

you have a snag
in your marriage.

Yes. We’ve been married
for about a year,

and we still haven’t
had any friends over.

Patrick doesn’t wanna
share me with anybody.

He’s very possessive.

How do you
respond to that, Patrick?

I’m shy.

And I don’t really like
anybody except Joy.

I see people at work
and stuff.

I don’t want them
in my house.

See?

Mm-hmm.

Patrick, it’s clear to me...

that you’re frightened.

What are you scared of?

I don’t know.

I’ll tell you. I think
you’re frightened of her.

I think she scares you.
I think you’re afraid of me.

I’m very scared.

It’s okay, because you’re
learning to feel afraid,

and that’s frightening,
but you’re feeling.

I’m scared of company.

Mm-hmm.

You’re scared of company.

So go home,
invite some people over.

Go! You’re giving me
the willies now. Go.

You’re learning.

Thank you.

This has been...

Thank you.

Thanks, everybody.

Congratulations to
Kirk Gibson, and thanks...

Thanks to Sugarcubes,
and... 30 seconds.

So, uh...
thanks, everybody.

Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.
- Matthew Broderick.

( ALL SAYING THANKS )

Thank you
most sincerely.