Original subtitles

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest The Sugarcubes.

And starring Matthew Broderick.

Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Broderick.

Thank you very much. Thanks a lot.

It’s great to be here.

I can’t believe I’m finally hosting Saturday Night Live.

I should tell you, I’m pretty nervous.

This is my first time doing live television,

and it’s a little scary.

There’s several rules to doing a monologue

on a show like this.

The first rule is to project vulnerability.

You pretend you’re nervous,

and it helps get the audience on your side.

Also, it’s always good to remind them

that it’s a live show, and anything can happen.

This is a live show, and anything can happen,

especially when you’re working with a group like this,

because after spending a week with these people,

I can tell you, this group is crazy.

Rule number two: always say, "This group is crazy."

It reinforces the element of danger,

and it flatters the writers.

Makes them feel like they haven’t lost their edge.

Boy, let me tell you.

Live TV is the scariest thing in the world.

I mean, if you mess up something on live TV,

that’s it, you don’t get to do it three or four times

like you do in the movies.

Rule number three:

always work in a mention of your movie.

Speaking of movies, I just completed one.

It’s called Torch Song Trilogy,

and it’s opening December 14th.

( APPLAUSE )

I’m feeling...

I’m feeling better now, and I’m all relaxed.

I’m all rehearsed, and my hands are clean.

Rule number four:

employees must wash their hands.

So it’s gonna be a great show.

We have the Sugarcubes here, so stick around.

We’ll be right back.

- Four eyes. - You’re a four eyes!

You are such a four eyes!

Get outta here, four eyes.

- Four eyes! - Four eyes!

( DERISIVE LAUGHTER )

Hey, look at that kid.

Hey, look at the baby!

Yeah, look at the baby.

- Hey there, baby. - Hello.

So what are you?

You’re a baby.

Does baby miss his mommy?

Sure, I miss my mommy. I haven’t seen her in 20 minutes.

You’re such a baby!

Yeah, you’re such a baby!

Hey, does baby wear diapers?

Yeah, baby, are those your diapers?

Yes, they are.

Why is the baby wearing diapers?

Well, they keep my bottom dry if I wet myself.

You’re such a baby.

Yeah. Does baby want his bottle?

Well, I have my bottle.

The problem is, I’m running a little low on formula.

Could one of you mix me some?

What a baby.

Is that your rattle, baby?

If that’s what they call it.

Makes a rattling sound.

What a baby.

Does baby wanna play with his rattle?

Yes. When I’m bored, I play with it. It entertains me.

* Baby, baby, baby *

* Baby, baby, baby *

A song about me.

Why you wearing a bonnet, baby?

Oh, it’s a shield to protect my soft pink head from the sun.

And does the widdle baby cwy?

If by widdle, you mean little, sure, I cry a lot.

ALL: Awww!

Don’t feel bad.

It’s never because of a big problem.

Usually I’m just hungry or tired or startled.

Or maybe I soiled myself.

You’re such a baby!

Yeah, what are you, a baby?

Such a baby.

Baby, baby.

Hey, guys, look it!

Hey, look at the fairy.

- Hey, fairy. - Hi, fairy.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, fairy, is that your fairy wand?

Yes, it is.

So tell us, fairy, where are you from?

Are you from fairy land?

Yes, I am. Do I know you?

He’s such a fairy.

Yeah, maybe the fairy wants to carry baby

all the way home to his mommy.

That would be all right.

Actually, I could use a lift.

- Sure. - Not out of your way?

Don’t be silly.

Hey, baby, I hear your mommy calling.

Really? We better hurry then.

I’ll do my best.

- Look at the baby. - Look at the fairy.

( JEERING CONTINUES )

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening.

And what can I tell you?

The results of last Thursday’s presidential debates

were invalidated yesterday when authorities found

traces of steroids in debate moderator Bernard Shaw’s urine.

After the debate,

Governor Dukakis was joined on the platform

by his wife Kitty and his son Festus.

Much of Governor Dukakis’ anger the other night

seems to be focused on the Bush charges

labeling him a liberal.

Dukakis countered Bush’s accusations

by saying, "When it says liberal, liberal, liberal

"on the label, label, label,

"you will like it, like it, like it

on your table, table, table."

I don’t want anybody out there

thinking that I don’t realize how stupid that joke is.

A Weekend Updatesnap poll of one randomly selected voters

shows Vice-President Bush with a commanding 100%

to Governor Dukakis’ zero percent.

( APPLAUSE AND HISSING )

The poll, however, has a margin of error

of plus or minus 100%.

In a related story,

a survey of Americans show that a commanding 82%

feel that the Los Angeles Dodgers

defeated the New York Mets in the National League playoffs.

The poll has a margin of error of 18%.

Wow. Gibson hit the hell out of that ball, didn’t he?

TV verité joke.

Well, here’s an Updatequiz.

What’s the difference between these two spherical objects?

The answer is, eventually, the one on the left

will have a light in it.

Sorry, Danno. You make it so damn easy.

After lengthy negotiation with both parties,

the Federal Election Commission has finally agreed

to a slight modification of the standard ballot.

The new Republican ballot will look like this.

And the new Democratic ballot.

People who listened to

the legendary Kennedy-Nixon debate in 1960 on radio

felt that Nixon had won,

while those who watched it on TV thought Kennedy won.

People who listened to the Bush-Dukakis debate on radio

called it a draw, and those who watched it on TV

thought they had listened to it on the radio.

I hope Mike Tyson and Robin Givens

straighten this thing out soon.

I don’t need to see this much of Barbara Walters.

And I need Judd Nelson to get just a little weirder, okay?

Judd, call me, man. I wanna help.

Ben Johnson was charged with

assault and dangerous use of a weapon

in Toronto on Tuesday.

Leaving the police station, he commented,

"I’m going to Disneyland."

Amidst criticism, New York mayor Ed Koch

has unveiled a new program to wash the homeless

who reside in ever-increasing numbers on our city streets.

Donald Trump today pledged to donate $1.5 million to Mother Teresa

on the condition that she change her name to Mother Trump.

This week, a federal study revealed

there is now a McDonald’s restaurant

in every neighborhood in America

except on the street that McDonald’s owner Joan Kroc lives on.

And now, here to put all these vague generalities

into even... Nice setup there, huh?

...even more vague perspective,

is my good friend and co-correspondent, A. Whitney Brown,

with The Big Picture. Welcome back, Whitney.

You know, I’ve been watching these debates,

and I’ve noticed that one thing the candidates never talk about

is the weather.

I think they’re dodging the issue.

So let’s take a look at the record.

The weather has been terrible.

Droughts, fires, floods, hurricanes.

This administration has had the worst weather in recent history.

Matter of fact, these last eight years

have been like a nature hike through the book of Revelations.

We have this greenhouse effect heating up the entire planet,

the ice caps are gonna melt,

oceans will flood into the cities,

and then, junkies will be able to pick up syringes

right off the sidewalk.

And just when we need all the oxygen we can get,

somebody decided it was the perfect moment

to turn the tropical rain forest into chopsticks

and cheap furniture.

Species are becoming extinct

before they’ve even been exploited.

Now, of course, some of these species

have only themselves to blame.

You figure if a species becomes extinct,

there’s a good chance it just wasn’t working hard enough.

Either that, or maybe it had some inherent character flaw.

Still, this accelerating extinction rate

is a crime against nature,

because there’s gonna come a time on this planet

when we need those animals for medical research.

You know, this is a little off the subject,

but there are actually animal rights activists out there

protesting at laboratories

because they’re using guinea pigs as guinea pigs.

I don’t know, but anyway,

the very idea that the jaguar should become extinct

while the Pekingese survives, indicates to me

that somebody hasn’t thought this thing through.

Now I know this may never be a big campaign issue,

unless it turns out these animals are being killed

by prisoners out on furlough,

but I do know it’s starting to get mighty lonely up here

at the top of the food chain,

and that, my friend, is the big picture.

Thank you. Whitney Brown.

Whitney Brown with the Big Picture.

You know, I’ve been following that election in Burma,

and I gotta tell ya, as far as charisma goes,

that Saw Maung makes Ne Win look like Aung San Suu Kyi.

The PTL theme park was bought this week

for $115 million

by real estate developer Stephen Mernick,

an orthodox Jew.

Mernick says he plans to change the name of the place

from Heritage USA to Cheritage,USA.

This drawing left the cast of the Broadway hit show

Les Miserablesthis week,

and was replaced by this drawing.

And the shroud of Turin has finally been declared a fake.

Scientists have carbon-dated it

only as far back as the 12th century,

and say it’s actually an old Joan Collins publicity still.

And the shuttle Discovery got a little this week.

Good for you, shuttle.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

Come on, is this great or what?

I don’t know. I feel a little self-conscious, Bob.

I mean, I’ve never been to a nude beach before.

Come on. Will you stop with this?

You have nothing to worry about.

Everybody at this club just hangs out here.

Everyone is here just to relax. That’s what it’s about.

- Really? - Yeah.

Believe me. In five minutes,

you’re gonna completely forget about it. All right?

I’m gonna introduce you to some of the guys. Let’s go.

- Thanks. - All right. Come on.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Bob.

Hey, penis looks great today.

Well, thanks, Jack. Yours, too.

- Hey, Bob. - Hey, Chet. How’s your penis?

Not bad.

Good, good.

Hey, I’d like you guys to meet Doug.

- Hey, Doug. - Hi, guys.

Hey, pretty small penis there.

You could pick a lock with that penis.

Hey, that’s okay. There’s plenty of guys around here with small penises.

In fact, Bill’s got one.

Hey, Bill, come on over here and show him your penis.

Bill, this is Doug.

- Hi, Doug. - Hey, Bill.

So I guess you got a pretty small penis.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, that’s okay. I hear it really doesn’t matter to women.

Yeah, I read that, too.

Okay, you guys, enough with the small penis talk.

Hey, guys, you wanna see my pictures from Barbados?

Yeah, sure.

There I am with some friends on a catamaran.

- Penis looks great. - Yeah, thanks.

Here I am, playing tennis with my dad.

Hey, you’ve really got your dad’s penis.

Yeah. And by the way, Jack,

what have you done to your penis? It looks super.

I go to this place on Long Island. They do great work.

- You got an address? - Sure.

I’ll write it on my penis so I won’t forget it.

So, Doug, where you from?

Montpelier, Vermont.

Ooh, cold up there.

Must be tough on your penis, huh?

- You’re from Denver, right? - Yeah.

Good penis town.

- Hey, everybody! - Hey, girls.

Hey, who’s the new guy with the penis?

Oh, that’s Doug.

- Hi, Doug. - Hi.

- Hey, pretty small penis. - Yeah.

- That’s okay. - Hey, thanks.

Hey, Dave just made a great sand penis.

You oughta come down and see it before the tide comes in.

Yeah, it’s got testicles and everything.

( ALL EXCLAIMING )

See, Doug, you have nothing to worry about.

Yeah, I guess not.

Hey, who wants to sing the club anthem?

- Yeah! - All right.

* I once had a penis sing to me *

* His penis penis song *

* And when that penis penis sang *

* Here was the penis’ song he’d sing me

* Penis, penis, penis, penis penis, penis song *

* Penis, penis, penis, penis *

* Penis all day long *

* Penis, penis, penis, penis *

Hi. I’m Kevin Nealon.

What you just saw was an attempt to make an important point

that wherever you go,

no matter how you look on the outside,

we’re all pretty much the same.

You know, when the NBC standards department was dissolved,

and the censors let go,

we welcomed it as an opportunity

to deal with issues like these in a frank way.

To be honest with you, we were a little disheartened

by the snickering we heard during this presentation.

Kinda makes us wonder

if there’s room for serious discussion

on these subjects on television.

So to those of you who missed the point,

grow up. Really. Come on.

* Penis, penis, penis, penis song *

* Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis all day long *

*

Well, it’s time to look in on the Thumpers,

that Bible-beating family down the street,

dedicated to spreading the good word

of eternal hell fire and damnation.

Let’s look in and see what they’re up to today.

You whore-mongering servant of Satan!

You will burn in hell for opposing the will of God!

What’s all the ruckus?

Mrs. Thumper, you’re gonna have to do something about your son Dwayne.

He was on the campus preaching again today.

As principal of the school--

You evil satanic principal,

leader of the wicked, evil school.

Your evil presence desecrates our home.

Leave this place as God has commanded you,

or rot in hell forevermore.

We’re gonna have to get an injunction.

You injuct with hell, you evil fornicators!

Okay, okay.

Come on, Larry, I’ll buy you a doughnut.

So how was your day at school today, son?

Fine.

Did you make the football team like you wanted?

No. The evil coach made a pact with Satan

to keep me off the team.

And I damned him and the entire team to eternal hell!

Well, good for you, son.

Mrs. Thumper?

Mrs. Thumper, I cleaned out your gutters,

and I repaired your drainpipe.

Oh, that evil, sinful gutter has been a curse upon this house.

This was the problem. This was stuck right in it.

Oh, that evil branch was put here by the antichrist.

Hold my hand, son.

May that branch of Satan burn in hell!

I’ll just put this out in the dumpster.

Dwayne, you used my record player again,

and I condemn you to hell for your evil trickery.

God has commanded me to use your record player,

and I rebuke your damnation.

You cannot rebuke my damnation,

because your rebuke is unholy unto the eyes of the Lord!

- It is not. - Is too.

Damn you, evil children of Satan.

May that evil record player be consumed by

all the fires of hell.

Dad, condemn Carla to hell.

Condemn Dwayne to hell.

I’m gonna condemn you both to hell

if you do not cease this evil bickering

which affects me every night as I walk through that damn door!

What’s wrong, dear? Evil day at the office?

My evil boss is a liar and a fornicator.

Also, he put me back on the jackhammer again.

Oh, damn him. Damn him to hell.

It is his evil plan that the jackhammer will drown out

the word of God as it comes through me.

Woe unto him and to all who dwell in the mobile home office

on the evil construction site.

Daddy, I will pray that the mighty arm of the Lord

will smite him and deliver him

to the bottomless pit of oblivion.

I will, too, Daddy.

Thanks, Kitten.

( PHONE RINGS )

I’ll get it.

Hello.

No. Yes.

You evil fornicating son of Satan.

I condemn you to be cast down forever--

- Hello. - Who was it?

Wrong number.

Look, it has been a trying day for us all

who spread the word of the Lord.

Maybe we should go as a family to the movies.

Honey, that’d be fun.

Die Hardis playing at the Orpheum.

What about Gorillas In the Mist?

Can we go to The Last Temptation of Christagain?

Yeah, all right.

That is my favorite movie.

I agree.

Pagan idolaters...

( ALL YELLING )

Join us next week for another episode of...

MAN: My BMW’s coming next week,

and I had to interview garages.

Smith Barney’s an excellent firm.

Our rate of arrest is the lowest on the street.

Then we went to this new club called Inside Out.

It’s kind of like the reverse of Nails.

The bouncers let everybody in,

but then, they stand on a big table,

point to people, and you have to leave.

We loved it.

( LAUGHTER )

So nice of you to invite me.

It’s too bad Charlotte couldn’t make it.

Poor Charlotte. Her grandmother’s dead.

Isn’t that awful? An escalator.

Well, let’s not talk about that. We’re having pasta.

Now where is it that you’re from, Laurie?

Santa Fe.

Charlotte said that you have the funniest story.

Something about a Winnebago.

- A Winnebago. - And margaritas?

Is that right? Would you tell us?

- No, I couldn’t. - You must.

Charlotte called from the funeral home to remind me to ask you.

Yes, Laurie. Everyone?

Yoo-hoo.

Laurie has a story.

Charlotte says it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.

Please?

Well, a group of us were going to celebrate

the birthday of a friend of ours, Randy Bailey.

And I was going to meet Randy and his wife Becky at the Pink Adobe,

this restaurant in Santa Fe.

Then the three of us were going to drive to the Bailey family ranch

- in this Winnebago. - Winnebago.

But I was late getting to the restaurant.

So when I saw them, Randy stood up, nearly knocked the table over.

So it was clear that the birthday boy had gotten into

the Pink Adobe margaritas.

Winnebago, margaritas. Okay.

And Pink Adobe margaritas are not ordinary margaritas.

They are deep dish margaritas.

And Randy’s not a drinker.

Wait a minute. I was in the Pink Adobe once.

And do you know who was at the table next to ours?

- Andy Warhol. - When was this?

- 1979. - Oh, God. This was before he died.

So Randy was a boy who needed some food in him

if he was gonna drive that Winnebago.

But when the waiter came, Randy said,

"Oh, nothing for me, thanks.

Just bring me another margarita."

Oh!

You can see, he was setting himself up...

Go ahead.

No, I’ll wait.

Please, Laurie, go ahead.

Oh, okay.

So after dinner... Oh.

So, um... oh. After dinner,

I said to Becky...

Please don’t let that get cold.

After dinner, I said to Becky,

"Do you think Randy can drive the Winnebago like this?"

And was I sorry I said that.

This is a fabulous pasta.

Thank you.

Becky said that no, Randy couldn’t drive the Winnebago like that,

and she couldn’t either, so I said, "Forget the Winnebago. We’ll take my car."

When we got to my car, I had forgotten to put the top up.

Oh, and it had been raining.

I forgot to say that it had been raining.

( DOORBELL BUZZES )

Oh, that’ll be Adam. Mary, will you get that, please?

Laurie, go ahead. Will, please pass the wine.

Phyllis, will you turn the music up just a tiny, tiny bit?

So I was gonna have to drive this huge Winnebago.

I mean, the key...

I know, I know. Sorry I’m late.

- Laurie, go ahead. - ( ALL TALKING )

So, did you drive that big Winnebago?

Down the mountain.

I am careening around a bend,

and frozen in front of me is an old mountain dog.

So I turned around to yell for Randy,

and he’s asleep on the floor.

And I said to myself, the dog dies.

( LAUGHTER )

( CHOKING )

- Oh, goodness, is he all right? - He’s choking.

Choking? Gordon, tell your choking story.

The one at the White House? That one?

Yes. Charlotte says it’s side-splitting.

- You’ll love this. - I’m seated between Corazon Aquino

and Barbara Sinatra, enjoying my pepper steak.

Pepper steak? Okay.

When suddenly...

The people and problems you’re about to see

are real and unscripted.

Denise Venetti, PhD, will help them with their problems.

Carla LaTrobe has trouble planting roots.

Neil Simmons feels he’s never alone.

Joy and Patrick Sullivan have encountered

an obstacle in their marriage.

Join us now as Denise Venetti, PhD,

helps them with their problems.

Hello. Carla?

Welcome to Learning To Feel.

Now, Carla, you have a problem...

finding your roots? What?

Yes. I just... I keep moving from city to city.

I’ve had ten apartments in three years.

Whenever I feel comfortable, I just feel compelled

to just move on.

Hmm. It’s clear to me, very clear to me,

that you’re frightened.

- Yes. - What are you frightened of?

Well, I’m frightened of settling down.

It scares me, I guess.

So you’re frightened, and you’re scared.

Carla, stop moving.

Huh?

You heard me. Stop moving.

You’re frightened of it. Don’t move anymore. Stop.

- Okay? - Okay.

You’re right.

I mean, I’m going to do that. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it. Thank you.

You’re next... thank you. Who’s next?

Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil.

Neil.

Now, Neil, you...

You feel you’re being followed. Is that it?

Yeah. I just feel like I’m being followed all the time.

Like people are just always gonna creep up on me,

and they’re just breathin’ over my shoulder...

( WHIMPERS )

Neil, it’s clear to me...

that you’re frightened.

Yes, I’m scared.

What are you scared of, Neil?

That I’m bein’ followed.

Look behind you, Neil. Go on, take a good look there.

Do you see someone there?

I don’t see anybody there.

You’re not being followed.

You’re right. Nobody’s there.

No. You’re scared.

You’re frightened.

But you’re not being followed.

Oh, thank you, Denise.

No one’s there. No one is there. Go, go.

Who is next? Yes. Thank you.

You are Joy, and you are Patrick Sullivan.

Welcome to Learning To Feel.

Now, you, uh...

you have a snag in your marriage.

Yes. We’ve been married for about a year,

and we still haven’t had any friends over.

Patrick doesn’t wanna share me with anybody.

He’s very possessive.

How do you respond to that, Patrick?

I’m shy.

And I don’t really like anybody except Joy.

I see people at work and stuff.

I don’t want them in my house.

See?

Mm-hmm.

Patrick, it’s clear to me...

that you’re frightened.

What are you scared of?

I don’t know.

I’ll tell you. I think you’re frightened of her.

I think she scares you. I think you’re afraid of me.

I’m very scared.

It’s okay, because you’re learning to feel afraid,

and that’s frightening, but you’re feeling.

I’m scared of company.

Mm-hmm.

You’re scared of company.

So go home, invite some people over.

Go! You’re giving me the willies now. Go.

You’re learning.

Thank you.

This has been...

Thank you.

Thanks, everybody.

Congratulations to Kirk Gibson, and thanks...

Thanks to Sugarcubes, and... 30 seconds.

So, uh... thanks, everybody.

Oh, thank you.

- Thank you. - Matthew Broderick.

( ALL SAYING THANKS )

Thank you most sincerely.