Original subtitles

DON PARDO: It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest Keith Richard.

And starring Tom Hanks.

I needed to take the bus,

but all I had was a five-dollar bill.

I went to First Citiwide,

and they were able to give me four singles and four quarters.

We will work with the customer

to give that customer the change that he or she needs.

If you come to us with a $20 bill,

we can give you two tens.

We can give you four fives.

We can give you a ten and two fives.

We will work with you.

I went to my First Citiwide branch to change a 50.

Guess I was in kind of a hurry.

I asked for a 20, a ten, and two fives.

Well, the computers picked up my mistake right away,

and I got the correct change.

We’ve been in this business a long time.

With our experience, we’re gonna have ideas for change combinations

that probably haven’t occurred to you.

If you have a $50 bill, we can give you 50 singles.

We can give you 49 singles and ten dimes.

We can give you 25 twos. Come talk to us.

We are not gonna give you change that you don’t want.

If you come to us with a $100 bill,

we’re not gonna give you 2,000 nickels...

unless that meets your particular change needs.

We will give you the change equal to

the amount of money that you want change for.

That’s what we do.

Good evening. I’m Peter Jennings

here in Los Angeles, awaiting the start of

the second and final presidential debate

between Michael Dukakis and George Bush.

As you may know, the League of Women Voters

withdrew their sponsorship of this debate,

citing unreasonable demands made by both campaigns.

In fact, one of the conditions made by the Bush camp

requires us to tell you what’s on other channels.

On HBO, The Sensuous Nurse,

starring Ursula Andress and Udo Kier.

On Showtime, The Making of Who Framed Roger Rabbit,

an entertaining look at the summer’s blockbuster hit.

And on ESPN, a repeat of the LSU-Georgia Tech

southeast conference showdown.

And on the other hand,

the Democrats have asked us to announce

that C-SPAN will be re-running the Bentsen-Quayle debate

at 4:00 a.m. Eastern time.

Well, the debate is about to get started,

so let’s go down to our moderator, Diane Sawyer. Diane?

Thank you, Peter. Good evening.

I’m Diane Sawyer of 60 Minutes.

Welcome to the second presidential debate

between Vice-President George Bush

and Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis. Gentlemen.

( HYDRAULICS WHIRRING )

( WHIRRING GRINDS, THEN STOPS )

( WHIRRING RESUMES )

Our panel of questioners are Elizabeth Dowd

of the Cleveland Plain Dealer,

Sam Donaldson of ABC News,

and syndicated columnist Carl Rowan.

The first question goes to Governor Dukakis,

and will be asked by Elizabeth Dowd.

Governor Dukakis, Governor Dukakis.

- Governor Dukakis! - DUKAKIS: Sam.

Your leadership style has been described as

being technocratic, cool, and emotionally dead.

Even your closest advisers admit that sometimes,

you’re distant and aloof.

A bit of a cold fish.

Pundits are saying that one of the reasons

you trail in the polls is that you’re uninspiring,

and seem to be devoid of passion.

Sam, what’s the question?

Well, I guess the question, Governor, is,

do you think you have the necessary passion

to lead this country?

Well, Sam, that kind of aspersion on my character

quite frankly makes me--

well, there’s no other word for it--

enraged.

Enraged.

Maybe I shouldn’t say that in the heat of the moment,

but I can’t control myself.

And I apologize for flying off the handle.

I’m just sorry my kids had to see me like that.

Mr. Bush, rebuttal.

Mr. Vice-President, Mr. Vice-President!

BUSH: All right, Sam. Sam, all right.

Do you really think that SDI, or Star Wars, will work?

Do you really think it’s possible to create a shield

that would prevent any or all nuclear missiles

from striking the United States?

I’m glad you asked me that, Sam,

because tonight, I can reveal something

that has just been declassified.

The key to SDI, the whole concept,

is a time machine. Yes, it’s a beautiful idea.

Let’s just say the Soviets launch a surprise attack,

and a few of their missiles get through our network of...

particle beam lasers,

that’s when we use the time machine.

We go back in time, before the surprise attack.

It’s clean, it’ll save our kids,

in the event of a Russian first strike.

Now who could be against that?

SAWYER: Governor Dukakis.

Well, if such a time machine were possible,

I’d like the vice-president to explain

why we haven’t already been visited

by time travelers from the future.

You can’t tell me that responsible members

of a future government of the United States wouldn’t,

with access to a time machine,

come back and reverse some of the mistakes--

the cockamamie mistakes--

made by this administration. Of course they would.

Of course they would.

This idea is ridiculous.

Spending billions and billions on a time machine

whose very existence defies logic,

is in my mind, well, lunacy.

Well, Mr. Massachusetts, Mr. Harvard Yard brainiac.

You may prove to yourself that it’s impossible,

but I think I’m like most Americans

who’d rather see a time machine

with an American flag on the side,

and not a hammer and a sickle.

( APPLAUSE )

I warned you before. Hold down your reaction,

because it will only take away from your candidate’s time.

That was really uncalled for.

Okay.

Sam Donaldson, a question for Governor Dukakis.

Vice-President Bush,

there are millions of homeless in this country,

children who go hungry,

and lacking in other basic necessities.

How would a Bush administration achieve your stated goal

of making this a kinder, gentler nation?

Well, Sam, that’s a big problem,

and unfortunately, in a format of these debates,

it makes it very hard to give a complete answer.

If I had more time, I could spell out in greater detail,

but I’m afraid, unfortunately,

in a short-answer session like this,

all I can say is, we are on the track,

we are getting the job done. We can do more.

But let’s stay the course.

A thousand points of light.

Unfortunately, I see my time is up.

Uh, Mr. Vice-President, you still have a minute, 20.

What? Well, no, Diane,

I must’ve spoken for at least two minutes. Thank you.

No, no, Just 40 seconds, Mr. Vice-President.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Well...

Well, I must’ve used up that time just in talking about it right now.

No. No, Mr. Vice-President.

It’s not being counted against you.

Well, I just wouldn’t want to take up

some of Governor Dukakis’ time.

It won’t. It will come out in the post-debate commentary.

Do you think that’s a good idea?

You still have a minute, 20, Mr. Vice-President.

( SIGHS )

Well, sure, more has to be done,

but the program is in place.

Make no mistake, we are doing the job,

so let’s just stay the course,

and keep on track. Stay the course.

You still have 50 seconds left, Mr. Vice-President.

Let me just sum up.

On track, stay the course.

A thousand points of light.

Stay the course.

Mm-hmm.

Governor Dukakis, rebuttal.

I can’t believe I’m losin’ to this guy.

And now to Carl Rowan with a question for

Vice-President Bush.

Mr. Vice-President, Mr. Vice-President!

Yes, Sam. Go ahead, Sam.

Mr. Vice-President, wouldn’t you agree that a lot of people,

after watching Dan Quayle’s performance last Wednesday,

are quite frankly worried about his ability

to step into the job of president,

should something, God forbid, happen to you?

Sam, let me just answer the question this way.

I’m in perfect health.

I jog every day.

The pulse rate is 43 beats a minute.

The ticker feels fine.

And I pledge that I will spend more than any president

every has on Secret Service protection.

I will go down in history

as the president in the bulletproof bubble.

Guys.

Carl Rowan, will you do the honors, please?

Go ahead. Go ahead, Carl.

- Aim at my heart. - ( GUNSHOTS )

You see, there’s nothing to worry about.

Thank you, Carl.

Gentlemen, let’s go to your closing statements.

Governor Dukakis, you’re first.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am the son of Greek immigrants.

My parents were little people.

Little swarthy people.

So I understand the American dream.

Yo comprende el dremo des Estados Unidos.

( SPEAKS FRENCH )

( SPEAKS HEBREW )

America.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the question you have to ask yourself on November 8th

is whose judgment you trust.

Do you trust the judgment of a man

who traded arms to the Ayatollah,

and used that money to fund an illegal war in Central America,

or do you trust a son of Greek immigrants

who can think and talk in complete sentences?

Ladies and gentlemen, I think the choice is obvious.

Thank you very much.

Vice-President Bush.

Well, Diane, let me answer some of that.

First of all, I didn’t know

the Iran arms sale was going to the Contras.

I was told the money was going for the bombing

of abortion clinics.

Now this election is about the future.

Yes, we want change, but we are the change.

Do we want...

Do we want to go back to the malaise days of Jimmy Carter?

I don’t think so.

So once again, stay the course. We’re on track.

A thousand points of light.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, gentlemen,

for sharing this debate with the American public.

I’m Diane Sawyer saying good night.

Thank you, Diane. Diane Sawyer, our correspondent.

Well, this concludes the debate, and with me is my colleague David Brinkley,

a veteran of many such events.

David, what were your impressions?

Well, what we saw were two men doing everything they could

to avoid saying what they would do if elected.

Because they know if they did,

we wouldn’t elect ’em.

But that’s nothing new, of course, Peter.

Every president from Washington to Ronald Reagan

has been either a liar or a fool,

and usually both.

David, throughout your career,

you’ve been known for your cynicism,

but certainly, you haven’t lost that much faith

in the presidency.

Peter, as I get older,

I find I’ve lost faith in a good many things.

Country, family, religion,

the love of a man for a woman.

I’ve reached a point where it’s a struggle

just to get up in the morning

to continue to plod through

a dreary, nasty, brutal life,

of terrible desperation,

at the end of which

we’re all just food for maggots.

Food for maggots indeed.

Well, thank you, David.

We have someone with us who will undoubtedly

have a more upbeat interpretation of tonight’s debate.

George Bush’s running mate, Senator Dan Quayle. Senator.

Senator, just how did George Bush do tonight?

Oh, he was great.

I’m really proud to be his running mate.

He was just great.

He was presidential.

He’s gonna be a great president,

and I’ll be the vice-president,

and that’ll be great!

So let’s go get ’em.

I’m sure it will be great, senator.

I’d like to ask you a question about last Wednesday.

Why did you have so much trouble answering the questions

about what you would do in the event you became president?

Gee, uh... gosh.

Come on, honey. Let’s go.

My wife.

The senator and Mrs. Dan Quayle.

Well, on that note, I guess it’s time for all of us to go.

For David Brinkley, I’m Peter Jennings. Thank you for joining us.

A lot of people don’t realize that change is a two-way street.

You can come to us with 16 quarters,

eight dimes and four nickels,

we can give you a five-dollar bill.

We can give you five singles.

Or two singles, eight quarters, and ten dimes.

You’d be amazed at the variety of options you have.

I was driving through Pennsylvania on the toll way,

and to save time, I was using the exact-change lanes.

I had just run out of quarters,

and I was getting a bit nervous

when I spotted a sign for a First Citiwide branch

at the next exit.

Let me tell you, it was a pretty good feeling.

I have had people come in with wrinkled ten-dollar bills,

who want new, crisp bills to put in birthday cards.

We can handle special requests like that.

Usually the same day.

I’d just returned from a business trip to London,

and all the cash I had was a five-pound note.

Citiwide wasn’t able to convert it into dollars,

but they did give me four guineas, two crowns,

four shillings, and tenpence.

All the time, our customers ask us,

how do you make money doing this?

The answer is simple. Volume.

That’s what we do.

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Because of Dan Quayle’s refusal to directly answer

many of the questions posed to him the other night,

we at Weekend Update are now referring to the confrontation as

the Bentsen and hedges debate.

According to an official poll of Weekend Updateviewers

concerning their reservations

about Dan Quayle as vice-president,

33% of our viewers said they feared his age and lack of experience,

46% said they are fearful of his lack of sincerity,

and an overwhelming 94% said

that they are incredibly fearful of his wife’s hairdo.

Ya know, the last time I saw this haircut,

it was makin’ dinner for Rob Petrie and Ritchie.

Ever wonder what these guys say to each other

when they know we can’t hear ’em?

Our super-sensitive Weekend Updatemicrophone

picked up the following conversation the other night.

Quayle says, "Ya know, Lloyd,

you’re old enough to be my father."

Bentsen says, "Dan, if I were your father,

you’d have gone to Vietnam."

( SCATTERED APPLAUSE )

Thank you for kinda liking that.

Ya know, I don’t even think

the presidential system works anymore.

I’m advocating a new system, the volleyball-tocracy.

We elect six men,

one of ’em serves until he screws up,

they rotate, somebody else takes it for a while.

( APPLAUSE )

So much applause. Let’s not turn this into the Late Show.

You know...

Vice-President George Bush

survived a major gaffe this week

when he called the state of Iowa

a "dark and evil empire."

Bush later corrected himself,

explaining he had meant to say Idaho.

Yesterday, Robin Givens filed for divorce

against Mike Tyson,

hiring lawyer Marvin Mitchelson,

who announced it at a press conference in Los Angeles.

And following the divorce, Givens has announced

that she will marry renowned composer Irving Berlin.

Said Givens, "I’m gonna stick this one out to the very end."

The domestic rampage at the Tyson mansion

prompted Pepsi-Cola to drop the champ as its spokesperson.

He was picked up, though, by Levitz Furniture Warehouse,

where he will promote their new slogan,

"You buy a sofa, I’ll throw in a love seat."

Insiders are saying that Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet

is blaming his defeat in Wednesday’s nationwide referendum

on his running mate, Daniel De Quayar.

Chilean voters worried that De Quayar would not be brutal enough

in the event he had to assume power.

De Quayar, who is called El Pendexito,

or literally, "little pubic hair,"

says he’s at least as brutal as Franco was

when he took power.

A spokesman for the opposition said,

"Hey, I know Franco. I was tortured by Franco.

He’s no Franco."

The Supreme court reconvened this week,

and ruled that it is justifiable homicide

to kill somebody who makes that quote sign thing

with their fingers when they’re talking to you.

The success of heptathlete Jackie Joyner Kersee

and sprinter Florence Griffith Joyner

were two of the bright spots during the Summer Olympics in Seoul.

Other stand-outs for the U.S. included Greg Louganis Joyner,

Janet Evans Joyner, and Matt Biondi Joyner.

The U.S. team’s efforts

inspired a patriotic spirit amongst millions of Americans,

including Sammy Davis Joyner, Jr.

Ben Johnson, following the disgraceful events

of the Olympics,

held his first press conference this week.

Johnson, who no longer has the anabolic steroid in his system,

appeared in Toronto, and he...

Johnson said he was not a steroid user,

and at this point in his life,

he was feeling dyn-o-mite.

In response to what its sponsors claim

is an idea whose time has come,

the first All-Drug Olympics opened today

in Bogota, Colombia.

Athletes are allowed to take any substance whatsoever

before, after, and even during the competition.

So far, 115 world records have been shattered.

We go now to correspondent Kevin Nealon live in Bogota

for the weight lifting finals. Kevin.

Dennis, getting ready to lift now is Sergei Akmudov

of the Soviet Union.

His trainer has told me that he’s taken anabolic steroids,

Novocain, Ny-Quil, Darvon,

and some sort of fish paralyzer.

Also, I believe he’s had several cocktails

within the last hour or so.

All of this, of course, is perfectly legal

at the All-Drug Olympics.

In fact, it’s encouraged.

Akmudov is getting set now.

He’s going for a clean and jerk of over 1,500 pounds,

which would triple the existing world record.

That’s an awful lot of weight, Dennis,

and here he goes.

( AGONIZED SHRIEK )

Oh, he’s pulled his arms off!

He’s pulled his arms off.

That’s gotta be disappointing to the big Russian.

You hate to see something like this happen, Dennis.

He probably doesn’t have that much pain right now,

but I think, tomorrow, he’s really gonna feel that, Dennis.

Back to you.

Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you, Kev.

Thank you. Very nice form on the Russian.

Thank you, Kevin.

Canada, of course, is leading that competition.

After 67 shut-out innings, Dodger pitcher Orel Hershiser

finally surrendered a run this week to the New York Mets.

Hershiser was getting very close to the all-time record

of not being scored on, set by Brooke Shields

from age 16 to... well, what time is it, huh?

The Reverend Al Sharpton showed up today

outside a New York City court,

dazed and covered with dog feces.

He angrily demanded that the city do something

to toughen up its leash laws.

Our congratulations to NASA

for its extremely successful shuttle flight.

Thank God. The guys really needed it, huh?

It was beginning to make Amtrak

look like a team of micro-surgeons.

The Russians are building Chuck E. Cheeses on Mars.

We’re breakin’ out the party hats

if we get down to three in a countdown.

Sunrise occurred at 6:42 Eastern Daylight time,

prompting Yankee owner George Steinbrenner

to fire manager Lou Piniella.

The NBC Today Showand Olympic host Bryant Gumbel’s ego

applied for statehood today.

If granted, it would become our 51st state,

and ninth largest.

Procter & Gamble unveiled a new soap this week.

Although it looks normal, the soap is actually hollow,

which eliminates those little pieces

that are always left at the end.

And the fifth-grossing film in America this week

is Young Guns,the new film where everybody in it

is Martin Sheen’s son, but nobody has the same last name.

There’s a tight nuclear family, huh?

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

DON PARDO: It’s time for the game

that all Americans love to play.

And here’s your host, Bob Thompkins.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Don.

Thank you, everybody. Welcome to Jew Not A Jew.

Okay, let’s say hi to our champions, the Knutsens.

Greg Knutsen. What kind of name is that?

That’s Swedish, Bob. My father’s Swedish. Lutheran.

Gee, I thought all Swedes were blonde.

My mom’s Irish-Catholic.

That’s very interesting. Deborah, delightful to see you again.

Great to be back, Bob.

Deborah, what was your maiden name?

Roche. It’s French Huguenot. It’s pretty hardcore Protestant.

So we got ourselves a real mish-mash here, don’t we?

Okay, let’s go over and meet our challengers,

the Johnsons!

Ted, you hail from Oregon and are...?

Bob, we’re both WASPs.

All right! All right, Johnsons.

And now, let’s play Jew Not A Jew.

All right, hands on buzzers, everybody. Hands on buzzers.

Star of ABC’s long-running hit Laverne and Shirley,

she directed the summer blockbuster, Big.

Penny Marshall. Jew or not a Jew?

- ( BUZZER TRILLS ) - Knutsens.

Penny Marshall. Jew or not a Jew?

She’s from Brooklyn somewhere.

Okay, okay. We’re gonna go with Jew, Bob.

- ( BUZZER BUZZES ) - Oh!

No, I’m sorry.

Penny Marshall was born Penelope Masharelli.

She is an Italian Catholic. Italian Catholic.

Now let’s take a minute to review the rules

for Jew Not A Jew.

According to Jewish law, anyone whose mother is a Jew

is a Jew, so if an individual’s father

is a gentile, and his mother is Jewish,

that person is considered a Jew.

However, reverse the bloodlines,

and that person is not a Jew.

But for the purposes of our game,

anyone with any Jewish lineage at all

will be considered a Jew.

Okay, now, let’s get back to our game.

Hands on the buzzers now. Hands on the buzzers.

Star of Highway To Heaven.

He was Charles Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie,

and Little Joe on Bonanza.

Writer, producer, star, Michael Landon.

Jew or not a Jew?

- ( BUZZER TRILLS ) - Johnsons! Michael Landon. Jew, not a Jew?

- I heard somewhere he’s Jewish. - Are you sure?

Yeah, when he was doin’ Bonanza.I read it...

- Lorne Greene... - No, I think he’s Jewish.

We’re gonna say Jew.

- ( BELL DINGS ) - That’s right!

That’s right.

He was born Eugene Orowitz in Brooklyn, New York.

Michael Landon is Jewish. Good, Johnsons. Ten points.

Ten points. Okay, let’s continue.

Hands on buzzers.

Mayor of New York.

- ( BUZZER TRILLS ) - Yes, yes.

- He’s a Jew, Bob. - Yes!

- ( BELL DINGS ) - That’s right.

Ed Koch is a Jew. Ten points, Knutsens.

All right, we gotta take a time out.

We’ll be right back after this word.

The 1965 World Series.

Sandy Koufax leads the Los Angeles Dodgers

into the seventh game against the Minnesota Twins.

Koufax shuts out the Twins, yielding just three hits,

and striking out ten.

Now, you make the call.

Sandy Koufax, Jew or not a Jew?

Jew Not A Jew is brought to you by

Feldman’s Kosher Pickles.

You don’t have to be Jewish to like Feldman’s,

but it helps.

If you said Sandy Koufax was a Jew,

you made the right call.

Sandy Koufax, baseball great, Jew.

Hey, we’re all out of time. That’s it for today.

Tune in tomorrow when we’ll take a look at

Bruce Springsteen, Goldie Hawn,

Jose Ferrer, and Caspar Weinberger,

on Jew Not A Jew. Bye-bye, everybody.

You know, I flew out here on Monday.

They were showing this really great movie on the plane.

Well, it was Big.

( APPLAUSE )

No, no, don’t.

Look... no, no, no.

I’d seen this movie so many times,

I didn’t even have to wear the headphones.

It was funny, at one point,

I had to get up and go to the bathroom,

and so, just as a gag,

I kinda stuck my head against the screen and went...

People on the plane got a pretty big kick out of it.

Anyway, the movie was a really great success,

and I’m very, very proud of it.

It’s funny, though,

because the movie I agreed to do originally

was a completely different movie.

All that far-fetched stuff about a kid moving to New York,

and getting a job and falling in love

with Elizabeth Perkins and stuff,

that was actually a last-minute thing that we threw in.

Originally, the movie I agreed to do

Josh, the 12-year-old,

he gets his wish, and he becomes big,

but he just stays in junior high school.

Here’s some outtakes that weren’t used,

so watch the monitors.

MAN: 119.

Give it to me.

You better give it to me.

You better. Look how big I am. Look, look.

Look how big I am.

One with sauerkraut, please.

What are you lookin’ at?

MAN: Cut.

However long it’s gonna last, Penny. I don’t know.

MAN: 115 Apple.

Come on, Josh. We’re thirsty, too.

Yeah.

MAN: Cut.

HANKS: The studio didn’t think he was a real sympathetic character,

but, oh, I’m not so sure.

Oh, this is great. Watch this. This is good.

Classic physical comedy.

Oh, don’t worry. That kid was all right.

I kinda hurt him on this one.

Yeah, I think I did hurt him on this one.

Hey.

He was a tough kid, though.

John? Hey, Penny.

John, John?

Penny, let’s just roll it.

See, he got right up. Tough kid, good actor.

Not very professional, though.

We had to fire him right after this take.

It’s...

with your host, Pat Stevens.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to The Pat Stevens show.

I’m Pat Stevens.

I am pleased as punch.

We have such an exciting show tonight.

The two final runner-ups

for the First Lady of America,

Barbara Bush and Kitty Dukakis.

We’ve seen so many wonderful contestants

throughout the primaries.

We’ve seen Elizabeth Dole, my personal favorite.

Tipper Gore, Jackie Jackson, many others,

but now, it’s boiled down to these two.

In the event that something should happen

to the First Lady during her reign,

the First Lady runner-up would step in

and fulfill her official duties

and take over her hectic schedule.

So there’s really no losers here.

The tension has been mounting, so let’s bring them out now.

Kitty Dukakis and Barbara Bush.

Congratulations, ladies.

Let’s take one final look at them.

Step with me, please, and pivot and turn.

Stepping again, pivot, step forward.

We’re back.

Sit down.

You must be very nervous. Shake it out, just shake it out.

Come on, blow it out.

Well, I’m not nervous, you know.

You have to remember, I’ve had a lot of experience at this.

My husband has been vice-president for eight years,

I’ve been through two senate campaigns--

I’ve been through two pair of hose today.

And I’ll tell you, that burns my cork.

And you can’t exchange them.

Tell me, who’s gonna do something about that?

Kitty. Kitty Dukakis.

Opa!Welcome to our Greek neighbors.

Now, Kitty...

your name is a pet name? Is it short for something?

No. Actually, I was named after a dear friend of my mother, Kitty Carlisle.

Oh, What’s My Line!

Are you a divorcee?

Are you a drug addict?

Pat. Pat, Pat, Pat.

Kitty Carlisle was on To Tell The Truth,

not What’s My Line?

I think you’re thinking of Arlene Francis.

I think you’re being a wet blanket.

Pat, you know, I don’t mind addressing

the issue of my former drug dependency.

I was addicted to amphetamines for 26 years.

It was tough on me, on my family,

on my marriage, and on my husband.

Oh, here we go,

jumping on the drug addiction bandwagon again.

Kitty, you were popping diet pills.

That hardly qualifies for drug addiction.

At least she was concerned about her weight.

Now, Pat, I’ll tell you

what I told our media advisor

when George got the nomination.

I’m not going to lose weight.

I’m 64 years old, I have white hair.

I have trouble bending over.

If I sit down too long, my feet swell up.

Pat, you know, I sympathize with Barbara’s aches and pains,

but she can afford good medical insurance.

Most elderly people in this country can’t.

And the Republicans certainly have not been

sensitive to that issue.

It’s an issue Michael is very passionate about.

Well, you know, forgive me,

but when I think passion, I think Omar Sharif,

shoes, furs, an herbal body wrap.

But I just don’t think Mike Dukakis.

Well, good, because he’s my husband. I’m very attached to him.

She has a sense of humor.

But seriously, seriously, Pat,

it’s no secret that I’m physically attracted to Michael.

Well, you know, I just don’t get it.

With that big head and that little body,

he looks like a taffy apple.

Taffy apple.

I’ll leave that sort of name-calling to the Republicans.

Okay. He’s an ice man.

Well, George Bush is a wimp.

Ladies, please.

Well, little Mr. Zorba the Greek

can’t keep his grubby little hands off you in public.

Oh, go soak your feet, Barbara. They’re swelling.

Ladies, please, please.

You’re tarnishing the pageant.

We’ve got Bess Myerson in court,

we don’t need this kind of behavior.

Oh, and now, we’re out of time.

I’m Pat Stevens.

You’ve been watching The Pat Stevens show

with your hostess, Pat Stevens.

That’s it for season number 14 premiere.

Thanks for coming. Good night, everybody!