All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S14E01.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text1

DON PARDO: It’s
Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey.

Nora Dunn.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Jon Lovitz.

Dennis Miller.

And Kevin Nealon.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Musical guest
Keith Richard.

And starring
Tom Hanks.

I needed to take the bus,

but all I had
was a five-dollar bill.

I went to
First Citiwide,

and they were able to give me
four singles and four quarters.

We will work
with the customer

to give that customer the change
that he or she needs.

If you come to us
with a $20 bill,

we can give you
two tens.

We can give you
four fives.

We can give you
a ten and two fives.

We will work with you.

I went to my First Citiwide
branch to change a 50.

Guess I was in
kind of a hurry.

I asked for a 20, a ten,
and two fives.

Well, the computers
picked up my mistake right away,

and I got
the correct change.

We’ve been in this business
a long time.

With our experience,
we’re gonna have ideas
for change combinations

that probably
haven’t occurred to you.

If you have a $50 bill,
we can give you 50 singles.

We can give you 49 singles
and ten dimes.

We can give you 25 twos.
Come talk to us.

We are not gonna give you
change that you don’t want.

If you come to us with
a $100 bill,

we’re not gonna give you
2,000 nickels...

unless that meets
your particular change needs.

We will give you the change
equal to

the amount of money
that you want change for.

That’s what we do.

Good evening.
I’m Peter Jennings

here in Los Angeles,
awaiting the start of

the second and final
presidential debate

between Michael Dukakis
and George Bush.

As you may know,
the League of Women Voters

withdrew their sponsorship
of this debate,

citing unreasonable demands
made by both campaigns.

In fact, one of the conditions
made by the Bush camp

requires us to tell you
what’s on other channels.

On HBO,
The Sensuous Nurse,

starring Ursula Andress
and Udo Kier.

On Showtime, The Making of
Who Framed Roger Rabbit,

an entertaining look at
the summer’s blockbuster hit.

And on ESPN, a repeat of
the LSU-Georgia Tech

southeast conference
showdown.

And on the other hand,

the Democrats have asked
us to announce

that C-SPAN will be re-running
the Bentsen-Quayle debate

at 4:00 a.m.
Eastern time.

Well, the debate
is about to get started,

so let’s go down to our
moderator, Diane Sawyer. Diane?

Thank you, Peter.
Good evening.

I’m Diane Sawyer
of 60 Minutes.

Welcome to the second
presidential debate

between Vice-President
George Bush

and Massachusetts governor
Michael Dukakis. Gentlemen.

( HYDRAULICS WHIRRING )

( WHIRRING GRINDS,
THEN STOPS )

( WHIRRING RESUMES )

Our panel of questioners
are Elizabeth Dowd

of the Cleveland
Plain Dealer,

Sam Donaldson
of ABC News,

and syndicated columnist
Carl Rowan.

The first question goes to
Governor Dukakis,

and will be asked by
Elizabeth Dowd.

Governor Dukakis,
Governor Dukakis.

- Governor Dukakis!
- DUKAKIS: Sam.

Your leadership style
has been described as

being technocratic,
cool, and emotionally dead.

Even your closest advisers
admit that sometimes,

you’re distant
and aloof.

A bit of a cold fish.

Pundits are saying that
one of the reasons

you trail in the polls
is that you’re uninspiring,

and seem to be
devoid of passion.

Sam, what’s the question?

Well, I guess
the question, Governor, is,

do you think you have
the necessary passion

to lead this country?

Well, Sam, that kind of
aspersion on my character

quite frankly makes me--

well, there’s no other
word for it--

enraged.

Enraged.

Maybe I shouldn’t say that
in the heat of the moment,

but I can’t
control myself.

And I apologize
for flying off the handle.

I’m just sorry my kids
had to see me like that.

Mr. Bush, rebuttal.

Mr. Vice-President,
Mr. Vice-President!

BUSH: All right, Sam.
Sam, all right.

Do you really think that SDI,
or Star Wars, will work?

Do you really think
it’s possible to create a shield

that would prevent any or all
nuclear missiles

from striking
the United States?

I’m glad you
asked me that, Sam,

because tonight,
I can reveal something

that has just been
declassified.

The key to SDI,
the whole concept,

is a time machine.
Yes, it’s a beautiful idea.

Let’s just say the Soviets
launch a surprise attack,

and a few of their missiles
get through our network of...

particle beam lasers,

that’s when we use
the time machine.

We go back in time,
before the surprise attack.

It’s clean,
it’ll save our kids,

in the event of
a Russian first strike.

Now who could be
against that?

SAWYER:
Governor Dukakis.

Well, if such a time machine
were possible,

I’d like the vice-president
to explain

why we haven’t
already been visited

by time travelers
from the future.

You can’t tell me
that responsible members

of a future government
of the United States wouldn’t,

with access to
a time machine,

come back and reverse
some of the mistakes--

the cockamamie mistakes--

made by this administration.
Of course they would.

Of course they would.

This idea is ridiculous.

Spending billions and billions
on a time machine

whose very existence
defies logic,

is in my mind,
well, lunacy.

Well, Mr. Massachusetts,
Mr. Harvard Yard brainiac.

You may prove to yourself
that it’s impossible,

but I think
I’m like most Americans

who’d rather see
a time machine

with an American flag
on the side,

and not
a hammer and a sickle.

( APPLAUSE )

I warned you before.
Hold down your reaction,

because it will only take away
from your candidate’s time.

That was really
uncalled for.

Okay.

Sam Donaldson, a question
for Governor Dukakis.

Vice-President Bush,

there are millions
of homeless in this country,

children who go hungry,

and lacking in other
basic necessities.

How would a Bush administration
achieve your stated goal

of making this
a kinder, gentler nation?

Well, Sam,
that’s a big problem,

and unfortunately,
in a format of these debates,

it makes it very hard
to give a complete answer.

If I had more time, I could
spell out in greater detail,

but I’m afraid,
unfortunately,

in a short-answer
session like this,

all I can say is,
we are on the track,

we are getting the job done.
We can do more.

But let’s
stay the course.

A thousand
points of light.

Unfortunately,
I see my time is up.

Uh, Mr. Vice-President,
you still have a minute, 20.

What?
Well, no, Diane,

I must’ve spoken for at least
two minutes. Thank you.

No, no, Just 40 seconds,
Mr. Vice-President.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Well...

Well, I must’ve used up
that time just in talking
about it right now.

No. No, Mr. Vice-President.

It’s not being
counted against you.

Well, I just wouldn’t
want to take up

some of
Governor Dukakis’ time.

It won’t. It will come out
in the post-debate commentary.

Do you think
that’s a good idea?

You still have a minute, 20,
Mr. Vice-President.

( SIGHS )

Well, sure,
more has to be done,

but the program
is in place.

Make no mistake,
we are doing the job,

so let’s just
stay the course,

and keep on track.
Stay the course.

You still have 50 seconds
left, Mr. Vice-President.

Let me just sum up.

On track,
stay the course.

A thousand
points of light.

Stay the course.

Mm-hmm.

Governor Dukakis,
rebuttal.

I can’t believe
I’m losin’ to this guy.

And now to Carl Rowan
with a question for

Vice-President Bush.

Mr. Vice-President,
Mr. Vice-President!

Yes, Sam.
Go ahead, Sam.

Mr. Vice-President,
wouldn’t you agree
that a lot of people,

after watching Dan Quayle’s
performance last Wednesday,

are quite frankly
worried about his ability

to step into the job
of president,

should something,
God forbid, happen to you?

Sam, let me just
answer the question this way.

I’m in perfect health.

I jog every day.

The pulse rate is
43 beats a minute.

The ticker feels fine.

And I pledge that I will
spend more than any president

every has on
Secret Service protection.

I will go down in history

as the president in
the bulletproof bubble.

Guys.

Carl Rowan, will you do
the honors, please?

Go ahead.
Go ahead, Carl.

- Aim at my heart.
- ( GUNSHOTS )

You see, there’s nothing
to worry about.

Thank you, Carl.

Gentlemen, let’s go to
your closing statements.

Governor Dukakis,
you’re first.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am the son
of Greek immigrants.

My parents
were little people.

Little swarthy people.

So I understand
the American dream.

Yo comprende el dremo
des Estados Unidos.

( SPEAKS FRENCH )

( SPEAKS HEBREW )

America.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the question you have to ask
yourself on November 8th

is whose judgment
you trust.

Do you trust
the judgment of a man

who traded arms
to the Ayatollah,

and used that money
to fund an illegal war
in Central America,

or do you trust
a son of Greek immigrants

who can think and talk
in complete sentences?

Ladies and gentlemen,
I think the choice is obvious.

Thank you very much.

Vice-President Bush.

Well, Diane,
let me answer some of that.

First of all,
I didn’t know

the Iran arms sale
was going to the Contras.

I was told the money
was going for the bombing

of abortion clinics.

Now this election
is about the future.

Yes, we want change,
but we are the change.

Do we want...

Do we want to go back
to the malaise days
of Jimmy Carter?

I don’t think so.

So once again, stay the course.
We’re on track.

A thousand points
of light.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, gentlemen,

for sharing this debate
with the American public.

I’m Diane Sawyer
saying good night.

Thank you, Diane.
Diane Sawyer,
our correspondent.

Well, this concludes
the debate, and with me
is my colleague David Brinkley,

a veteran of
many such events.

David, what were
your impressions?

Well, what we saw
were two men doing
everything they could

to avoid saying
what they would do
if elected.

Because they know
if they did,

we wouldn’t
elect ’em.

But that’s nothing
new, of course, Peter.

Every president from
Washington to Ronald Reagan

has been either
a liar or a fool,

and usually both.

David, throughout
your career,

you’ve been known
for your cynicism,

but certainly,
you haven’t lost
that much faith

in the presidency.

Peter, as I get older,

I find I’ve lost faith
in a good many things.

Country,
family, religion,

the love of
a man for a woman.

I’ve reached a point
where it’s a struggle

just to get up
in the morning

to continue to
plod through

a dreary, nasty,
brutal life,

of terrible
desperation,

at the end of which

we’re all just
food for maggots.

Food for maggots indeed.

Well, thank you, David.

We have someone with us
who will undoubtedly

have a more upbeat
interpretation of
tonight’s debate.

George Bush’s running mate,
Senator Dan Quayle. Senator.

Senator, just how did
George Bush do tonight?

Oh, he was great.

I’m really proud to be
his running mate.

He was just great.

He was presidential.

He’s gonna be
a great president,

and I’ll be
the vice-president,

and that’ll be great!

So let’s go get ’em.

I’m sure it will
be great, senator.

I’d like to ask you
a question about
last Wednesday.

Why did you have
so much trouble
answering the questions

about what you would do
in the event you became
president?

Gee, uh... gosh.

Come on, honey.
Let’s go.

My wife.

The senator
and Mrs. Dan Quayle.

Well, on that note,
I guess it’s time
for all of us to go.

For David Brinkley,
I’m Peter Jennings.
Thank you for joining us.

A lot of people don’t realize
that change is a two-way street.

You can come to us
with 16 quarters,

eight dimes
and four nickels,

we can give you
a five-dollar bill.

We can give you
five singles.

Or two singles,
eight quarters, and ten dimes.

You’d be amazed at
the variety of options you have.

I was driving through
Pennsylvania on the toll way,

and to save time, I was using
the exact-change lanes.

I had just run out
of quarters,

and I was getting
a bit nervous

when I spotted a sign
for a First Citiwide branch

at the next exit.

Let me tell you,
it was a pretty good feeling.

I have had people come in
with wrinkled ten-dollar bills,

who want new, crisp bills
to put in birthday cards.

We can handle
special requests like that.

Usually the same day.

I’d just returned from
a business trip to London,

and all the cash I had
was a five-pound note.

Citiwide wasn’t able
to convert it into dollars,

but they did give me
four guineas, two crowns,

four shillings,
and tenpence.

All the time,
our customers ask us,

how do you make
money doing this?

The answer is simple.
Volume.

That’s what we do.

And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you.

Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Because of Dan Quayle’s
refusal to directly answer

many of the questions
posed to him the other night,

we at Weekend Update
are now referring to
the confrontation as

the Bentsen and hedges
debate.

According to an official poll
of Weekend Updateviewers

concerning
their reservations

about Dan Quayle
as vice-president,

33% of our viewers said
they feared his age
and lack of experience,

46% said they are fearful
of his lack of sincerity,

and an overwhelming
94% said

that they are incredibly fearful
of his wife’s hairdo.

Ya know, the last time
I saw this haircut,

it was makin’ dinner for
Rob Petrie and Ritchie.

Ever wonder what these guys
say to each other

when they know
we can’t hear ’em?

Our super-sensitive
Weekend Updatemicrophone

picked up the following
conversation the other night.

Quayle says,
"Ya know, Lloyd,

you’re old enough
to be my father."

Bentsen says, "Dan,
if I were your father,

you’d have gone
to Vietnam."

( SCATTERED
APPLAUSE )

Thank you for
kinda liking that.

Ya know,
I don’t even think

the presidential system
works anymore.

I’m advocating a new system,
the volleyball-tocracy.

We elect six men,

one of ’em serves
until he screws up,

they rotate, somebody else
takes it for a while.

( APPLAUSE )

So much applause. Let’s not
turn this into the Late Show.

You know...

Vice-President
George Bush

survived a major gaffe
this week

when he called
the state of Iowa

a "dark and evil empire."

Bush later
corrected himself,

explaining he had meant
to say Idaho.

Yesterday, Robin Givens
filed for divorce

against Mike Tyson,

hiring lawyer
Marvin Mitchelson,

who announced it at a press
conference in Los Angeles.

And following the divorce,
Givens has announced

that she will marry renowned
composer Irving Berlin.

Said Givens, "I’m gonna stick
this one out to the very end."

The domestic rampage
at the Tyson mansion

prompted Pepsi-Cola to drop
the champ as its spokesperson.

He was picked up, though,
by Levitz Furniture Warehouse,

where he will promote
their new slogan,

"You buy a sofa,
I’ll throw in a love seat."

Insiders are saying that Chilean
dictator Augusto Pinochet

is blaming his defeat in
Wednesday’s nationwide
referendum

on his running mate,
Daniel De Quayar.

Chilean voters worried
that De Quayar would not
be brutal enough

in the event
he had to assume power.

De Quayar, who is called
El Pendexito,

or literally,
"little pubic hair,"

says he’s at least
as brutal as Franco was

when he took power.

A spokesman
for the opposition said,

"Hey, I know Franco.
I was tortured by Franco.

He’s no Franco."

The Supreme court
reconvened this week,

and ruled that it is
justifiable homicide

to kill somebody who makes
that quote sign thing

with their fingers
when they’re talking to you.

The success of
heptathlete Jackie Joyner Kersee

and sprinter
Florence Griffith Joyner

were two of the bright spots
during the Summer Olympics
in Seoul.

Other stand-outs for the U.S.
included Greg Louganis Joyner,

Janet Evans Joyner,
and Matt Biondi Joyner.

The U.S. team’s efforts

inspired a patriotic spirit
amongst millions of Americans,

including
Sammy Davis Joyner, Jr.

Ben Johnson, following
the disgraceful events

of the Olympics,

held his first
press conference this week.

Johnson, who no longer
has the anabolic steroid
in his system,

appeared in Toronto,
and he...

Johnson said he was not
a steroid user,

and at this point
in his life,

he was feeling dyn-o-mite.

In response to
what its sponsors claim

is an idea
whose time has come,

the first All-Drug Olympics
opened today

in Bogota, Colombia.

Athletes are allowed to take
any substance whatsoever

before, after, and even
during the competition.

So far, 115 world records
have been shattered.

We go now to correspondent
Kevin Nealon live in Bogota

for the weight lifting
finals. Kevin.

Dennis, getting ready to lift
now is Sergei Akmudov

of the Soviet Union.

His trainer has told me that
he’s taken anabolic steroids,

Novocain, Ny-Quil,
Darvon,

and some sort of
fish paralyzer.

Also, I believe he’s had
several cocktails

within the last hour or so.

All of this, of course,
is perfectly legal

at the All-Drug
Olympics.

In fact,
it’s encouraged.

Akmudov is getting set now.

He’s going for a clean and jerk
of over 1,500 pounds,

which would triple
the existing world record.

That’s an awful lot
of weight, Dennis,

and here he goes.

( AGONIZED SHRIEK )

Oh, he’s pulled
his arms off!

He’s pulled his arms off.

That’s gotta be disappointing
to the big Russian.

You hate to see something
like this happen, Dennis.

He probably doesn’t have
that much pain right now,

but I think, tomorrow, he’s
really gonna feel that, Dennis.

Back to you.

Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you, Kev.

Thank you.
Very nice form on the Russian.

Thank you, Kevin.

Canada, of course,
is leading that competition.

After 67 shut-out innings,
Dodger pitcher Orel Hershiser

finally surrendered a run
this week to the New York Mets.

Hershiser was getting very close
to the all-time record

of not being scored on,
set by Brooke Shields

from age 16 to...
well, what time is it, huh?

The Reverend Al Sharpton
showed up today

outside a New York City
court,

dazed and covered with
dog feces.

He angrily demanded
that the city do something

to toughen up
its leash laws.

Our congratulations
to NASA

for its extremely successful
shuttle flight.

Thank God. The guys
really needed it, huh?

It was beginning
to make Amtrak

look like a team of
micro-surgeons.

The Russians are building
Chuck E. Cheeses on Mars.

We’re breakin’ out
the party hats

if we get down to three
in a countdown.

Sunrise occurred at
6:42 Eastern Daylight time,

prompting Yankee owner
George Steinbrenner

to fire
manager Lou Piniella.

The NBC Today Showand Olympic
host Bryant Gumbel’s ego

applied for statehood
today.

If granted, it would
become our 51st state,

and ninth largest.

Procter & Gamble unveiled
a new soap this week.

Although it looks normal,
the soap is actually hollow,

which eliminates
those little pieces

that are always
left at the end.

And the fifth-grossing
film in America this week

is Young Guns,the new film
where everybody in it

is Martin Sheen’s son, but
nobody has the same last name.

There’s a tight
nuclear family, huh?

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

DON PARDO:
It’s time for the game

that all Americans
love to play.

And here’s your host,
Bob Thompkins.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Don.

Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to Jew Not A Jew.

Okay, let’s say hi to
our champions, the Knutsens.

Greg Knutsen.
What kind of
name is that?

That’s Swedish, Bob.
My father’s Swedish. Lutheran.

Gee, I thought
all Swedes were blonde.

My mom’s
Irish-Catholic.

That’s very interesting.
Deborah, delightful
to see you again.

Great to be back, Bob.

Deborah, what was
your maiden name?

Roche. It’s French Huguenot.
It’s pretty hardcore Protestant.

So we got ourselves
a real mish-mash
here, don’t we?

Okay, let’s go over
and meet our challengers,

the Johnsons!

Ted, you hail from
Oregon and are...?

Bob, we’re both WASPs.

All right!
All right, Johnsons.

And now, let’s play
Jew Not A Jew.

All right, hands on
buzzers, everybody.
Hands on buzzers.

Star of ABC’s long-running hit
Laverne and Shirley,

she directed the summer
blockbuster, Big.

Penny Marshall.
Jew or not a Jew?

- ( BUZZER TRILLS )
- Knutsens.

Penny Marshall.
Jew or not a Jew?

She’s from
Brooklyn somewhere.

Okay, okay. We’re gonna
go with Jew, Bob.

- ( BUZZER BUZZES )
- Oh!

No, I’m sorry.

Penny Marshall was born
Penelope Masharelli.

She is an Italian Catholic.
Italian Catholic.

Now let’s take a minute
to review the rules

for Jew Not A Jew.

According to Jewish law,
anyone whose mother is a Jew

is a Jew, so if
an individual’s father

is a gentile,
and his mother is Jewish,

that person is considered
a Jew.

However, reverse
the bloodlines,

and that person
is not a Jew.

But for the purposes
of our game,

anyone with any
Jewish lineage at all

will be considered
a Jew.

Okay, now, let’s get
back to our game.

Hands on the buzzers now.
Hands on the buzzers.

Star of
Highway To Heaven.

He was Charles Ingalls on
Little House on the Prairie,

and Little Joe on
Bonanza.

Writer, producer, star,
Michael Landon.

Jew or not a Jew?

- ( BUZZER TRILLS )
- Johnsons! Michael Landon.
Jew, not a Jew?

- I heard somewhere
he’s Jewish.
- Are you sure?

Yeah, when he was
doin’ Bonanza.I read it...

- Lorne Greene...
- No, I think he’s Jewish.

We’re gonna say Jew.

- ( BELL DINGS )
- That’s right!

That’s right.

He was born Eugene Orowitz
in Brooklyn, New York.

Michael Landon is Jewish.
Good, Johnsons. Ten points.

Ten points.
Okay, let’s continue.

Hands on buzzers.

Mayor of New York.

- ( BUZZER TRILLS )
- Yes, yes.

- He’s a Jew, Bob.
- Yes!

- ( BELL DINGS )
- That’s right.

Ed Koch is a Jew.
Ten points, Knutsens.

All right, we gotta
take a time out.

We’ll be right back
after this word.

The 1965 World Series.

Sandy Koufax leads
the Los Angeles Dodgers

into the seventh game
against the Minnesota Twins.

Koufax shuts out the Twins,
yielding just three hits,

and striking out ten.

Now, you make the call.

Sandy Koufax,
Jew or not a Jew?

Jew Not A Jew
is brought to you by

Feldman’s Kosher Pickles.

You don’t have to be Jewish
to like Feldman’s,

but it helps.

If you said Sandy Koufax
was a Jew,

you made
the right call.

Sandy Koufax,
baseball great, Jew.

Hey, we’re all out of time.
That’s it for today.

Tune in tomorrow
when we’ll take a look at

Bruce Springsteen,
Goldie Hawn,

Jose Ferrer,
and Caspar Weinberger,

on Jew Not A Jew.
Bye-bye, everybody.

You know, I flew
out here on Monday.

They were showing this really
great movie on the plane.

Well, it was Big.

( APPLAUSE )

No, no, don’t.

Look... no, no, no.

I’d seen this movie
so many times,

I didn’t even have to
wear the headphones.

It was funny,
at one point,

I had to get up
and go to the bathroom,

and so, just as a gag,

I kinda stuck my head
against the screen and went...

People on the plane
got a pretty big kick out of it.

Anyway, the movie
was a really great success,

and I’m very,
very proud of it.

It’s funny, though,

because the movie I agreed
to do originally

was a completely
different movie.

All that far-fetched stuff
about a kid moving to New York,

and getting a job
and falling in love

with Elizabeth Perkins
and stuff,

that was actually a last-minute
thing that we threw in.

Originally, the movie
I agreed to do

Josh, the 12-year-old,

he gets his wish,
and he becomes big,

but he just stays
in junior high school.

Here’s some outtakes
that weren’t used,

so watch the monitors.

MAN: 119.

Give it to me.

You better
give it to me.

You better.
Look how big I am.
Look, look.

Look how big I am.

One with
sauerkraut, please.

What are you
lookin’ at?

MAN: Cut.

However long it’s
gonna last, Penny.
I don’t know.

MAN: 115 Apple.

Come on, Josh.
We’re thirsty, too.

Yeah.

MAN: Cut.

HANKS: The studio
didn’t think he was
a real sympathetic character,

but, oh, I’m not so sure.

Oh, this is great.
Watch this. This is good.

Classic physical comedy.

Oh, don’t worry.
That kid was all right.

I kinda hurt him
on this one.

Yeah, I think I did
hurt him on this one.

Hey.

He was a tough
kid, though.

John? Hey, Penny.

John, John?

Penny, let’s
just roll it.

See, he got right up.
Tough kid, good actor.

Not very professional,
though.

We had to fire him
right after this take.

It’s...

with your host,
Pat Stevens.

Hello, everybody.
Welcome to The Pat Stevens show.

I’m Pat Stevens.

I am pleased as punch.

We have such an exciting
show tonight.

The two final
runner-ups

for the First Lady
of America,

Barbara Bush
and Kitty Dukakis.

We’ve seen so many
wonderful contestants

throughout the primaries.

We’ve seen Elizabeth Dole,
my personal favorite.

Tipper Gore, Jackie Jackson,
many others,

but now, it’s boiled down
to these two.

In the event that
something should happen

to the First Lady
during her reign,

the First Lady
runner-up would step in

and fulfill
her official duties

and take over
her hectic schedule.

So there’s really
no losers here.

The tension has been mounting,
so let’s bring them out now.

Kitty Dukakis
and Barbara Bush.

Congratulations,
ladies.

Let’s take
one final look at them.

Step with me, please,
and pivot and turn.

Stepping again,
pivot, step forward.

We’re back.

Sit down.

You must be very nervous.
Shake it out, just shake it out.

Come on,
blow it out.

Well, I’m not
nervous, you know.

You have to remember,
I’ve had a lot of
experience at this.

My husband has been
vice-president for
eight years,

I’ve been through
two senate campaigns--

I’ve been through
two pair of hose today.

And I’ll tell you,
that burns my cork.

And you can’t
exchange them.

Tell me, who’s gonna do
something about that?

Kitty. Kitty Dukakis.

Opa!Welcome to
our Greek neighbors.

Now, Kitty...

your name is a pet name?
Is it short for something?

No. Actually, I was named
after a dear friend of my
mother, Kitty Carlisle.

Oh, What’s My Line!

Are you a divorcee?

Are you a drug addict?

Pat. Pat, Pat, Pat.

Kitty Carlisle was on
To Tell The Truth,

not What’s My Line?

I think you’re
thinking of Arlene Francis.

I think you’re being
a wet blanket.

Pat, you know,
I don’t mind addressing

the issue of my former
drug dependency.

I was addicted to
amphetamines for 26 years.

It was tough on me,
on my family,

on my marriage,
and on my husband.

Oh, here we go,

jumping on
the drug addiction
bandwagon again.

Kitty, you were
popping diet pills.

That hardly qualifies
for drug addiction.

At least she was
concerned about
her weight.

Now, Pat,
I’ll tell you

what I told
our media advisor

when George got
the nomination.

I’m not going
to lose weight.

I’m 64 years old,
I have white hair.

I have trouble
bending over.

If I sit down too long,
my feet swell up.

Pat, you know,
I sympathize with
Barbara’s aches and pains,

but she can afford
good medical insurance.

Most elderly people
in this country can’t.

And the Republicans
certainly have not been

sensitive to that issue.

It’s an issue Michael
is very passionate about.

Well, you know,
forgive me,

but when I think passion,
I think Omar Sharif,

shoes, furs,
an herbal body wrap.

But I just don’t think
Mike Dukakis.

Well, good, because
he’s my husband.
I’m very attached to him.

She has
a sense of humor.

But seriously,
seriously, Pat,

it’s no secret that I’m
physically attracted to Michael.

Well, you know,
I just don’t get it.

With that big head
and that little body,

he looks like
a taffy apple.

Taffy apple.

I’ll leave that
sort of name-calling
to the Republicans.

Okay.
He’s an ice man.

Well, George Bush
is a wimp.

Ladies, please.

Well, little
Mr. Zorba the Greek

can’t keep
his grubby little hands
off you in public.

Oh, go soak
your feet, Barbara.
They’re swelling.

Ladies, please,
please.

You’re tarnishing
the pageant.

We’ve got Bess Myerson
in court,

we don’t need
this kind of behavior.

Oh, and now,
we’re out of time.

I’m Pat Stevens.

You’ve been watching
The Pat Stevens show

with your hostess,
Pat Stevens.

That’s it for
season number 14 premiere.

Thanks for coming.
Good night, everybody!