Original subtitles

[instrumental music playing]

Cheyenne, what is your problem? That was a great house.

Three bedrooms, two baths and a large backyard.

Van, it was a colonial. I want an English cottage.

I was very specific.

I want a Tudor house with an English garden, three gables,

a pond with a water wheel, and a turret

where I can stand and brush my beautiful long blonde hair.

An English cottage in Houston?

Why don't we just look for an igloo?

Van, the house that we provide shelter and love for our children,

the one that we raise them in, it will be perfect.

And by perfect, I mean, a Tudor house with an English garden,

three gables, and a turret!

Now maybe, just maybe, you're not looking hard enough.

Oh, wait... Cheyenne, who am I, hmm?

Who am I? Look at my business card.

I am Van Montgomery.

I am great at real estate.

I will find a house for you and your spouse.

I would have written more, but I ran out of space.

Now, if there's a house like that in Houston,

I would've already have found it.

Van, Cheyenne, I have found you the perfect house.

Is it an English cottage?

Oh, it's so English, it hates France.

[laughs]

Hold on. There's no way, Mrs. H.

I've seen every house in our price range in the area.

It's slightly above your budget, but it's been on the market for a long time

and I think we can talk the owner down on the price.

I've got you an appointment at 2:00 to look at it.

Now, Mrs. H, okay, this sales pitch might work on less sophisticated buyers.

But I assure you, we are not that easily conned.

It has a turret.

[in British accent] 2:00, you say. Jolly good.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Hey, Jake, we're gonna go check out a house for Van and Cheyenne.

- Wanna go with us? - I can't.

I'm going go-karting with Jack and Kendal.

And Kendal's gonna superglue Jack's butt to the go-kart seat.

- Kyra, how about you? - Uh-uh.

Who do you think is giving the superglue to Kendal?

- Guess what we're doing. - Fixing to get Brock beat up?

No. We are going on a divorce date.

Oh, wow, sounds romantic.

If you guys like dating, why are you getting a divorce?

Oh, no, no, no. It's a date about the divorce.

We're gonna start talking through some of the details.

I get that all right. Why the costumes?

Reba, I'm a celebrity. So my man has to appear interesting in some way.

We've got to dress up for my viewing public.

Wow, what's the chances you'll bump into all three of them?

Reba, I don't expect you to understand.

But because I am an important figure

we need to be aware of our appearance in public at all times.

Our? I thought you two weren't two anymore?

Yes, but that's off the record.

Yeah, Barbra Jean doesn't want her public

to know that we're separated, because...

People want their weather from someone in a stable relationship.

- We better get going, Brock. - Yeah.

Hey, Brock, wait a minute.

I know why loose screw is doing this.

But why are you doing this?

Ah, what's the harm?

I got a full length mirror in my bathroom where you can see the harm.

Okay, look,

Barbra Jean always complained that I wasn't supportive of her career,

so I want her to know that I am.

Well, that's very noble of you.

I don't mean to be mean,

but isn't that kind of like closing the barn door

after the cows run away?

Maybe. But maybe I want the cow to know that I miss it.

Boy, that is a really terrible metaphor when you're talking about your wife.

[gasping] Mom, this is beautiful.

As you can see, the house has beautiful hardwood floors.

- Laminate? - Handcrafted.

- Veneer? - Solid oak.

Maybe, maybe not.

The kitchen has brand new appliances.

And granite countertops.

Upstairs has been converted to a game room.

- Game what? - A game room.

Complete with a pool table, air hockey table, and a flat screen TV

that the owner says she'll throw in at the same price.

[crashing]

I'm okay.

I'm okay, but I can't say that for Mrs. Pacman.

Excuse me. I have to, uh, speak with my wife for a moment, please.

- Cheyenne. - Yeah?

I love this house.

I know. Me too. Let's make an offer.

Okay. But wait, she represents the seller, okay?

- So we have to play it cool. - Okay.

We'll take it. We'll pay anything she wants.

[Van exclaiming]

- What are you doing? - What...

That's not the way you negotiate. Now watch and learn.

[inhales deeply]

You know, we might be interested,

but, uh, we got a lot of other options.

So we are in no rush to buy.

You know this, I don't know.

Would you like for me to talk to the owner?

See if she'll come down on the price?

Whatever you want. I can take it or leave it.

It's not, you know...

[car alarm beeps]

There's the owner. I'm gonna meet her, and get this thing started.

- [Cheyenne] Okay. - Take your time.

- Oh, Van. I hope this works out. - [chuckles]

- Could you imagine our own house? - I know.

And it's like it's destined to be ours. I mean, it looks like us.

The landscaping looks like us.

The picture on the wall even looks like us.

It is us.

That's a picture of our senior class.

Hey, that's a picture of Bridget.

Bridget O'Hara. What's she doing on my mantle?

Guys, this is Bridget.

- Bridget, this is Cheyenne. - Cheyenne.

Bridget.

- You two know each other? - Well, of course.

Cheyenne, Van and I were all friends in high school.

Well, what a small world. How come I've never met her?

'Cause why would I bring her around?

Oh, Van, look at you.

You're even bigger and stronger than you were in high school.

- [chuckles] - Cheyenne, isn't it unfair.

Guys just get better looking with age,

and we girls, I mean, look how I've fallen apart, really.

I don't see anything falling, but I do see parts.

Oh, Van, stop it.

- Yeah, Van, stop it. - [groans]

So, you guys are old friends. That's so nice.

[chuckling] And usually old friends say nice things to each other.

Especially when you're trying to buy a house from them, right?

Right. You know, Brig, you do look better than you did in high school.

You're not as pear shaped. [chuckles]

Well, that must be because I'm now a fitness instructor.

Yeah, I specialize in derrieres. I'm a derriere-ist.

[exclaiming]

Oh, fitness instructor?

What happened? Couldn't get into law school?

Oh, you know me, Cheyenne.

I was always the pretty one. And you were always the smart one.

I was not the smart one.

Okay, ha, ha, that's all very interesting,

but we should start talking about the house now.

Oh, Cheyenne, you know what I just thought of that's so funny?

Remember when I asked Van to the Sadie Hawkins dance,

right before you did?

[giggling]

Bridget, I think that's water under the bridge.

Yes, yes it is, Brig. And you know why? Because I got the guy.

We've been married for five years and I'm pregnant with our second child.

You're pregnant? Oh, that explains it.

[chuckling] Okay, all right. Okay here.

Uh, the important thing is we're here to buy a house.

Take a seat. Thank you.

And I think it's about time for us to discuss the price.

So, Bridget, the house has been on the market for quite a long time now.

So we were thinking you might want to come down on the price,

just a little bit.

Hang on a second.

Cheyenne, do you really want this house?

Yes, Bridget, I really do.

Well, that's good, because you're not gonna have it.

- What? - Why are you doing this?

Because you made my life miserable in high school.

The things you wrote about me in the bathrooms.

"Bridget's missing a digit." What does that even mean?

I don't know. But it was pretty funny in high school.

You know what's funny now?

You're not gonna get this house.

[exhales]

I just got off the phone with Bridget.

She's at least willing to come over here and talk.

Now, if you want her to reconsider,

- I suggest that you be nice to her. - Oh, please.

Cheyenne, you've got to let this high school stuff go.

We're talking about your home here,

not who should have been Homecoming Queen.

Me! I was robbed!

[doorbell rings]

That must be Bridget.

Our doorbell's never sounded so slutty!

Hey, Mrs. H, no offense, but you kind of botched that back there,

so let me handle Bridget, okay?

You talk like a babbling idiot when she's around.

Hey, that was an act. I am completely in control.

All right.

Hello... [sputtering]

You better handle this.

Bridget, won't you come in.

Thank you.

I think the first thing we need to do

is apologize for our behavior over at the house.

Right. You first, Mrs. H.

- I meant you. - Right.

So, uh, Bridget, being a professional real estate agent,

I know that emotions can run high when you're buying or selling a house,

[sputtering] so I just want to apologize.

I want to...

[sputtering]

Well, I suppose we all got a little emotional.

Going through this divorce has forced me to take a hard look at myself.

And for the most part, I really do like what I see.

And I will be happy to reconsider once Cheyenne apologizes.

- What? - Yeah, she's sorry. She's terribly sorry.

You know what, why don't you two hug and make up.

I haven't heard the apology.

Cheyenne, the only other turret in town is at the miniature golf course.

[sighs]

Bridget, I said some pretty mean things to you in high school,

and in the yearbooks and in the occasional bathroom.

Um, and for that I'm truly, truly sorry.

I hope you can forgive me.

I am truly, truly sorry that I asked Van to the dance.

- Although it is kind of a funny story. - What?

[chuckling] Oh, come on, Van. We could all use a little laugh.

Why, what happened?

Well, I asked Van because he asked me to.

He didn't wanna go with you.

He couldn't stand you.

Isn't that funny?

[laughing nervously]

- So... - Yeah. So...

So, how do we start this?

I don't know. I guess the first thing is,

are you sure that you're comfortable doing this without any lawyers?

I guess.

I mean, Reba had a lawyer, and you still screwed her in the divorce.

I did not.

Frankly, the lawyers were a big part of the problem.

I mean, you know, they make their money,

when they get both parties into some big fight.

- I don't want that. - No, me neither.

I guess we just have to be honest with each other.

I agree.

Okay, all right, well...

- I'll go first, okay? - Okay.

All right. [clears throat]

Um, I am being completely honest

when I say that I feel ridiculous wearing this tie,

so if it's okay with you, I'm gonna take it off.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, leave the tie on. You look great.

Well, thank you, honey,

but seriously don't you think I'm a bit overdressed

for a restaurant that serves "Burn your butt chili"? I mean...

Well, I think you're not overdressed to be seen in public

as Stormy Clearweather's husband.

Okay, look, uh, being completely honest here.

Just two tiny little things, one, you're not Stormy Clearweather,

and two, we are here because you don't want me to be your husband anymore.

Okay. Well, here are two tiny little honest things from me.

One, I am Stormy Clearweather.

And two, for once, can we just do what I want

and not what you want and just leave the tie on.

Sorry, Stormy, the tie is coming off.

Okay, I'm warning you.

If you take that tie off, you are gonna be in big trouble, mister.

- Really? - Yeah, big trouble.

- All right, do not test me. - Oh. There it goes.

- Do not undo that tie. - What are you gonna do?

- Do not undo it. - What are you gonna do?

- What are you gonna do? - Don't undo it.

- Do not undo that tie! - What are you gonna do about it?

I'm so scared...

- Barbra Jean, don't you dare. My God! - [indistinct shouting]

Oh, God, I'm so turned on.

What do you mean, you couldn't stand me?

I didn't say that. She did.

- Well, is it true? - Yes, you were so smart.

- I was intimidated. - I was not smart!

I believe we're losing sight of what today's meeting is all about.

What did you do, Van? Did you just go up to her and say,

"I hate Cheyenne, ask me to the dance"?

- Of course not. - No, he wrote me a poem.

A poem? A poem!

It was a note, luckily it rhymed.

Oh! Well, I think I'd like to hear that poem.

Nobody here remembers that.

"Please take me to the dance. I promise to wear long pants.

I'll do anything I can not to go with Cheyenne."

- You jerk! - Okay, that's it!

You know what, we don't want your house.

- [both] What? - That's right.

No house is worth standing here listening

to some derriere-ist torture my daughter.

You are making a big mistake.

You better leave quick or I'm gonna get a stick.

Fine.

Have you gone mad?

If you were gonna kick her out,

you could've at least did it before I apologized.

[doorbell rings]

[giggles]

Yes?

Okay, maybe things just got a little out of control, okay?

Oh, that sounds so close to an apology, but not quite there yet. Bye-bye.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

I'm sorry.

I was just trying to get back at you, Cheyenne.

[sighing] Look, I really need to sell this house.

- Do you still wanna buy it? - Maybe.

For 20 off the list price.

- What? - In this market, that's all it's worth.

Take it or leave it.

Okay, deal.

[gasps] You know what. Cheyenne, you should go hug Bridget.

We should all go hug...

I'll come over later. We can hammer out the deal.

- Great. Thank you. - Thank you.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Mrs. H, underneath that pile of red hair and emotional rage is a genius!

How did you know she was gonna come back?

Oh, Van, you just have to learn how to read people.

Like you right now. I know you're hungry.

[gasps]

I am hungry.

You're... You're a genius.

I'm so hungry.

- Very impressive, Mom. - Thanks.

You had no idea she was gonna cave, did you?

No. I just lost my temper and it all fell into place.

- Oh, I'm so glad you did. Aw. - [chuckling]

Oh, honey, I just wish we could go back and get you that Homecoming Queen.

I was robbed!

[Brock and B.J. panting]

Wow. That was different.

I know. That was amazing.

- That was better than the parking lot. - Yeah.

Well, it's getting kind of late.

Or should I say early?

Well, we better get some shuteye.

You're right.

- Good night, honey. - Goodbye.

What?

You didn't think you were gonna stay the night, did you?

Brock, we're getting divorced.

What kind of girl do you think I am?

So what, you're saying I just had a one-night stand with my wife?

Not necessarily.

I was thinking of having you over tomorrow night.

So, I don't have to stay and cuddle?

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

[chuckling]

Hey, at least I can take off the stupid tie now.

Do not undo the tie.

- Oh, I'm undoing the tie. - No, you don't.

- Yes, I do. - No, you don't.

- Oh, yes, I do. - Do not...

It's coming off. It's coming off. It's coming off.

- I'm not putting back on the tie! - [indistinct shouting]

[both] Oh, God.

[closing theme music playing]