Original subtitles

[door opens]

Hey, Mom. Hide.

Barbra Jean's on her way over here.

I'm not hiding in my own house.

She just got a job selling insurance.

Hide. Lock the door.

Dig a hole.

[lock clicks]

[rhythmic knocking]

"Yello".

Okay, your car's here.

I know you're home.

Huh.

[sighs]

Reba's car. Reba's garage.

Reba's house. Here we go.

Yoo-hoo.

Barbra Jean, you can't just let yourself in anytime you want.

I think I can.

So why were you guys hiding?

'Cause we knew it was you, and I'm tired of runnin'.

Running is good for your health,

but it is very bad on your knees.

It's all right here in my brochure:

"Insurance and Your Aging Body."

Look at that, we're talking insurance already.

Barbra Jean...

Ah, ah, ah.

Call me Agent Hart.

I "insure" you won't be sorry.

Barbra Jean, you're here, I'm here.

I can "insure" you

- I'm already sorry. - Mmm.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Okay, now in this scenario, you've fallen down a well,

gotten hypothermia, broken six bones,

and now you gotta chew your arm off.

Where you goin'?

To find that well to jump into.

Well, then you better sign this first,

because your old policy doesn't cover that.

Wait a minute.

How do you know so much about my policy?

I read your file.

I work for your insurance company.

- My insurance company hired you? - Yeah.

Now I've got access to all kinds of embarrassing information on ya.

That is awesome.

Yeah. It is.

No, it's not.

There's no tellin' what all she'll be blabbin'.

That's why it's awesome.

I didn't even know you were lookin' for a job.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, ever since Brock and I are havin' all this trouble with the IRS,

I'm also sellin' time-shares

and intestinal cleansers.

But that's another day.

- I'm lookin' forward to it. - Oh, good.

Well, back to today's business.

Now, Reba, you really, really need to update your policy.

I mean, when you got the insurance,

it was fine to have such a high deductible.

You were young.

So young.

[clicks tongue]

♪ But that was a long time ago ♪

I was young when you started talkin'.

But, Reba, this is a better policy.

And you could save some money.

You know, almost $300 a year.

Mom, $300 a year is a nice pair of shoes.

Or 10 pairs of the kind you buy.

[mouthing] That's true.

I don't care.

I'd pay $400 just to get this last hour back.

Goodbye, Barbra Jean.

But, Reba, you have to take it.

My job depends on it.

Why?

Well, I, I had this probationary period,

and I have to make a sale before it's over,

or I'm gonna lose my job.

Please, Reba, I'm begging you.

Oh, come on, Mom, help her out.

"Help her out?"

That's all I ever do.

It's like havin' a giant, blonde, six-year-old.

Come on, Mom, you know you're gonna do it.

You can't help yourself. You were just born good.

Crap.

- [knocking] - [man speaking on TV]

Hey.

Hey, Mister H.

[man on TV] I understand your husband is stationed in Tikrit.

[woman on TV] Yes, that's correct.

He's been there for six months...

Why are you watching that women's channel?

I, I only stopped on this channel because it was an ad for bras.

What's up, man?

I'm just trying to think of an anniversary gift for Cheyenne.

Ah.

What is this?

Oh, I hadn't been really watching,

but I think it's some kind of special

about married couples renewing their vows.

Yeah, this one guy, he's in Iraq,

and his wife is in Ohio

with a newborn.

[choking up] Born on the day he was deployed.

Eh, it's dumb.

Pull it together, nancy boy.

I need your brain.

What are you getting Barbra Jean for your fifth?

Well, since we don't have any money,

we decided not to give each other anything.

No, we're just gonna spend the evening together reminiscing.

Should be very romantic.

I'm hoping she goes to bed early.

It's your anniversary.

They train for weeks for that night.

I just feel like every time I turn around, I gotta do something to prove my love.

Yeah, showing you care can be a real pain in the butt.

Yeah, I don't know why women make such a big deal out of this stuff.

It's like they got a love virus.

Yeah, the coach used to warn us about those when we were on the road.

- [man on TV] Gwen, are you excited? - [Gwen] Uh-huh.

Whoa! Hang on, buddy.

They're about to tie the knot, again.

- Oh, man. - Yeah.

Guys in the army have it made.

Helmets. Boots. They're just naturally romantic.

Ah, listen, I think renewing your vows would be romantic,

even without the boots.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I should enlist!

- No? - No!

No, you and Cheyenne, should renew your vows.

That's perfect.

She'll love that.

It'll, it'll show how enlightened I've become.

- Yeah. - How sensitive...

- Bras. - Ooh.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Good workout, Mom?

No, I hadn't started workin' out yet.

I threw somethin' out when I was puttin' on my tank top.

You know, Mom, I think it's great

that you're gettin' healthy and everything,

but your insurance physical is in less than two hours.

And your body just is what it is.

- Thanks, Cheyenne. - Mmm-hmm.

[dance music playing]

Who's that?

Jane Fonda.

Oh, is that that old lady in the Jennifer Lopez movie?

[turns off TV]

Forget it.

I can't do it anyway without my leg warmers.

Oh, hey, Mrs. H, it's good to see you.

- [beeping] - Am I goin' somewhere?

Of course not. Not unless you want to.

There you go.

- Whatcha doin'? - Shh.

[cell phone ringing]

Text message.

"Well ya market my?"

Did you send that?

Yes.

What does it mean?

What does it mean?

What, do I have to spell it out for you, Cheyenne?

Yes, please.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

And I'll have your baby too.

Oh, wait...

I'm asking you to marry me again for our fifth anniversary.

So you're proposing to me by text message?

Yeah.

Pretty futuristic, huh?

Yeah, if the future's lame.

I mean, look, Van, I think if you propose to someone,

you should do it a little bit more romantically.

Well, all right.

Okay.

That's not what I meant.

Well, what do you want, woman?

Well, I just... I don't know.

I, I just want it to be different.

Something unique. I wanna be surprised.

[scoffs]

Proposing was a lot easier

when all I had to do was get you pregnant.

[dance music playing]

[music continues]

[music ends]

Knock, knock.

Is there a doctor in the house?

[chuckles] There is now.

Reba, this is Dr. Castleman,

- and he'll be examining you. - Hi.

- [mouthing] Hi. - And, no.

He won't be buyin' you dinner first. [laughs]

I'm sorry, Doc. I'm putting her at ease.

Really?

- Because I'm getting a headache. - Oh.

- Put it there. - Thanks.

You have to learn to block her out.

I use earplugs and liquor.

[laughs]

Is there, uh, someplace I can wash up?

- Yeah. Kitchen's right in there. - Thank you.

Liquor's in the cabinet.

Psst.

- Psst. Come here. - What?

Okay.

Now you're gonna have to give a urine sample.

So I got little Henry to give me a specimen.

Pure as the driven snow.

And believe me, it was not easy.

I mean, the kid can hit the bathroom ceiling,

but try gettin' him to aim in a cup, you know?

[vocalizing]

Are you insane?

No, just take it. It'll keep your rates low.

- Get that away from me. - No, just take it.

- You take it. - Just take it.

Okay, Mrs. Hart.

- If you'll just, uh, take a seat here. - Okay, sure.

We'll, uh, slip this around you here, and...

There we go. We'll get your blood pressure.

Well, you know what, Doc?

I'm sure that Reba's blood pressure is just terrific.

I mean, the two things everyone who knows Reba talks about:

she's got good blood pressure

and urine as pure as the driven snow.

Mrs. Hart, uh,

according to this reading, you have high blood pressure.

Extremely high.

Like way high.

Way.

- [gum snaps] - I, I, I don't see how that can be right.

Well, are, are you upset about something?

Is there something that's really bothering you?

Something that's making you incredibly tense?

I don't think so.

- Okay. - [snapping]

Barbra Jean, for the hundredth time,

would you please quit snapping your gum.

[in a deep voice] Sorry.

[chewing loudly]

It's her!

- Me? - Yes, you.

You're the reason I have high blood pressure.

You're like a pack a day, woman.

Reba, that is just silly.

You cannot get high blood pressure from just sitting near someone.

Well, actually, yes, you can.

There's quite a few studies to prove it.

They've also proven that certain people can give other people headaches.

So you're saying

that I'm killing Reba?

Well, no, I'm fairly certain it's a temporary condition.

Sometimes blood pressure can be returned to normal

by simply removing the irritant.

Or irritating person.

[Reba chuckles]

So are you saying I can't be around Barbra Jean

because of doctor's orders?

Well, I'm saying the only way to find out

is to avoid contact with her for a couple of days,

and then we'll check again.

So I need to stay away from my very best friend

in the whole wide world?

[laughing]

[Barbra Jean] And when she got up this morning,

was her hair up or down?

You know, because if it was up,

that means she didn't take a shower,

which could be a sign of depression,

which she's apt to slip into without me around.

Oh.

Look,

don't worry about Mom.

I'm sure that this is as hard for her as it is for you.

- I know it is. - Yeah.

That's why I knitted her a scarf and then I rubbed it on myself.

Give it to her to smell, okay?

Okey dokey.

I'll put this with the rest of 'em.

Okay.

Look, Barbra Jean, don't worry about Mom.

She's gonna be okay. She's a trooper.

I hope so.

I just know she's so sad.

You know, I can feel it.

♪ This is the best day, hey ♪

♪ She has gone away, hey ♪

♪ All I did was pray, hey ♪

♪ Nothing left to say, hey ♪

♪ Whoo ba do ba do, do ♪

- Hey, Mom-- - Hey, Reba, are you feeling better?

'Cause you sure look okay.

Mom, can you try and not act so thrilled?

I mean, this is really hard on Barbra Jean.

I know. But it's so easy on me.

[laughs]

♪ She cannot come in, hey ♪

♪ All I do is grin, hey ♪

♪ She cannot come in, hey ♪

♪ All I do is finally win ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[laughs]

[laughing continues]

Hey, Cheyenne.

I need to talk to you.

It's important. That's why I didn't text message it.

Look, this is not gonna be easy for me,

- so I'm just gonna come right out and-- - Okay, Van.

If this is the start of another proposal--

Stop.

Listen.

This isn't easy for me.

Remember when I took that business trip to Dallas last month?

Yeah.

I met a woman.

A wonderful woman.

Maybe the hottest woman in North America.

- Wait, what? - Let me finish.

And I, I didn't wanna tell you

because I thought it was a brief flirtation,

but it turned into more.

I love her Cheyenne, and...

I think...

we're gonna get married.

Psych! [laughs]

[clears throat]

You said you wanted to be surprised.

How's that for a surprise?

Now will you marry me?

You better run.

Is that a...

- Is that a yes? - You better run.

Wait, no!

You're the hottest woman in North America!

Hey, pal.

How'd your marriage proposal go?

Did your wife say yes?

No.

I tried to surprise her like she said.

I told her I fell in love with a hot, young girl,

and she actually got mad.

Yeah, Van, I think maybe you should try a more conventional approach.

[sighs] Well, I don't think that way, Mr. H.

I think outside the box.

That's what my generation calls, "fresh."

Listen, some of the traditional stuff really works.

I mean, for instance,

you could rent a bicycle built for two.

Oh, yeah, then we could ride it down to the Pony Express station.

[imitates Babbling Old Coot]

It's the 21st century.

Think, old man.

All right, look, there's tons of stuff.

I mean, there's, there's candlelight.

There's soft music,

big gestures.

You know, the stuff that they see in all those romantic movies.

King Kong.

I could dress up like a giant ape, and we can go ice-skating.

No, Van, Van,

King Kong is not a romantic movie.

Hello, gentle love story

between a misunderstood ape and a hot young actress.

You know what a great movie is?

An Officer and a Gentleman.

Okay, when Richard Gere showed up in those dress whites, right?

And all the factory workers applauded,

and he swept up the love of his life in his arms

and he carried Debra Winger away...

[choking up] It was dumb.

Okay, so...

how's your week been without Barbra Jean?

It's been the best week of my life.

- Well, that's good. - Yeah.

But it's also bad.

Because it means that you do have high blood pressure.

Oh, no. Really?

Well, not to worry though.

It's very common, and it's very treatable.

But I suggest that you speak to your family doctor about it.

Okay, Doc, now this is very important.

Is there any other reason

why I might need to ban Barbra Jean from my life?

Well, there's no medical reason.

But as a physician,

I would recommend you keep plenty of booze on hand.

Okay.

Thanks, Doc.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

- So? - [yelps]

Barbra Jean, you almost scared me to death.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Ow. Thorn. Thorn.

I just wanted to say that

as awful as this has been for me,

and, and as much as it hurts,

I've been doing some thinkin'.

And, um, if I'm making you tense,

if I'm endangering your life,

I will leave you alone forever.

So am I the cause of your high blood pressure?

Yes.

Yes, you are.

Oh.

I guess I'll be goin'.

Can I have a lock of your hair?

Barbra Jean, it's not you.

Well, not entirely you anyway.

Really?

So I'm back in your life?

Yeah. I'm gonna go get a drink.

Oh, good. I'll join you.

Ah.

♪ I'm back in your life, hey ♪

♪ I will never leave, hey ♪

Reba.

Someone changed the locks.

Reba.

Reba!

Reba!

All right, there you go.

- Uh, can you help me, miss? - Sure.

- What kind of soup is this? - It's tomato.

Oh, I can't have tomato soup.

- It's bad for my stomach. - Oh.

Could you put a little vodka in it?

Ooh, cops. Run!

No, wait, wait, wait. Everybody calm down.

I'm not an officer of any kind.

Has anyone seen Cheyenne?

She's in the kitchen.

But she's keeping the vodka to herself.

Van, what...

Tell me you did not join the Salvation Army.

No.

I'm recreating a very romantic movie.

Put that soup down. I'm taking you out of this place.

What?

- Mmm. - Cheyenne?

- Yeah? - Will you marry me again?

[chuckling] Oh, Van.

- This is so romantic. - [chuckles]

[Cheyenne chuckles]

Say, yes. My back, it's...

Answer me.

- Yes. Yes. - Yeah?

- Yes, of course. - Okay.

Oh.

- Whoo! [chuckles] - [grunts]

Now, I haven't seen this movie.

So how long am I supposed to carry you?

[Cheyenne] Mmm.

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]