Original subtitles

Okay, say the thing again.

Reba, we got it, okay?

We know what to do.

Say... the... thing.

[all sigh exasperatedly]

[together] Our family is happy.

We have no problems.

Things are terrific.

Thank you.

You know, I don't know why you're so tense about talking to this counselor.

I mean, five years ago, you were the one tellin' us we should tell him everything.

Five years ago, we got sent to anger management by the court.

It was supposed to be part of an attempt to save our marriage.

Nice work, Brock.

Mom, remember, this is our last court-ordered visit. Be nice.

Sorry. You're right.

Okay, all we have to do is get this form signed,

and we never have to come back again.

So, we have no problems? Everybody's happy?

Oh, wait a minute.

Where's Barbra Jean?

I didn't tell her.

We're trying to get out of therapy, not get sent to the loony bin.

You know, I cannot believe that you wore that shirt

after I told you not to.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe I wore this shirt because you told me not to.

What do you care what I wear?

Because you're my husband, Van.

And if you look like a cowboy goober, it reflects badly on me.

- Shh. - It's all about you, isn't it, Cheyenne?

Thanks a lot. Now I want Goobers.

Shh!

Knock it off, or I'm gonna make you say the thing again.

[Brock, chuckling] Oh, God.

I'm a grown man, Cheyenne. I'll wear what I want.

[deep voice] Oh, grown man Van...

[normal voice] But you're still wearing Spider-Man underwear.

Oh, yeah?

Well, your underwear says "Friday" on it, and it's Wednesday.

[laughs]

Is there a problem out here?

[chuckles nervously] "Problem?"

The only problem we have

is trying to figure out who loves who the most.

I think it's me.

[laughs]

All right then.

- Van Montgomery. - Mmm.

- Would you come in, please? - Sure.

Okay, before you go in, say the thing again.

Say it. One more time for me. Come on.

No.

I've had enough people telling me what to do today, thank you.

Have fun, urban cow freak.

Hey, wait a minute.

I gave him that shirt.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Really, Van, you don't have to lie on the couch.

My dogs are tired.

You know what this couch needs?

A cup holder.

Right there.

Okay, sit up now.

So how would you say you and your wife are getting along these days?

You mean Cheyenne.

Fine.

I guess fine, for being a married couple.

I mean, everyone has their problems.

It's not like we fight on a daily basis.

Some days I don't even see her.

[laughs]

Come on, Doc, you're married.

Give me some sugar.

Yeah.

So there are problems?

Well, yes.

It's just that she's so critical and vain.

Hi. I'm Cheyenne.

I'm your queen.

Fine, play your silly little game. Just help me to the car.

Yeah, but I'm in the middle of a game--

I said help me to the car!

Well, the apartment was just so boring before.

It didn't make a statement of who you are.

And now it does.

Oh, it sure does.

But, unfortunately, that statement is,

[in high-pitched voice] "I'm Cheyenne."

Hello, love of my life.

Hello, tramp.

Oh, she's hot.

I'm hot too.

Hey, Cheyenne, whatcha doin'?

Making a list of insulting names to call Van

when he gets back from shaving his head.

If you have any interest in kissing me tonight,

you will not eat those.

I want you to stop vomiting.

If I could control it,

I'd do it on you right now.

My body cannot possibly stretch any more.

My ankles are fat.

My back hurts... Van!

Will you please stop breathing down my neck?

Here's my book:

I Married a "Hot" Jerk.

Did you pray that I wouldn't slap you?

Why would we pray that?

Ow!

Shut up, Van. Shut up, Van. Shut up, Van.

[Van] [muffled voice] Wait a minute.

[Van crying]

This man is good.

He's good.

Van, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I just feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted.

What did you and your stupid shirt say?

You see that, Doc?

You see how she talks to Van?

It makes Van sad.

Okay, Cheyenne, do you wanna be next?

Oh, you bet I do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Why don't I go in

and, and kinda explain what everybody's gonna say first?

Oh, you'll get your chance.

Yeah, you'll get your chance.

You wanna know how smart she is, Doc?

Take a look at her underwear!

That came out wrong.

I meant...

Okay, Cheyenne, this isn't about judging--

Van's a baby, and he's a liar.

- What? - Oh, yeah.

The only reason we fight is because he is so immature.

Wow, didn't even make it to the couch.

Oh, yeah.

You should hear some of these stories.

He can be such an idiot.

[groans]

Honey, why couldn't you have waited 30 seconds to eat?

Why can't you cook?

- [Reba] Van. - [Van] What?

I'm okay.

That was a close one.

[yelps, grunts]

[up tempo music playing]

[objects clattering]

Do you really think that you're gonna scare someone off with a lightsaber?

I will if I use the Force.

[lightsaber thrumming]

What's it gonna be?

Shave it.

- [clippers whirring] - Bet you hear this a lot.

My old lady doesn't want me to do it.

- [whirring stops] - [chuckles]

[sighs]

But I mean, it's...

it's my head.

- It should be my decision. - [clippers whirring]

I just hate when she's mad at me.

[whirring stops]

I don't know. I don't know.

What do you think?

[whirring]

Okay.

Okay. Let's do it.

Stop!

- So, Van, what exactly did you say? - Nothing.

I just told a few stories.

Oh, Lord, Reba.

The kid's been telling stories.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, best husband ever.

- Oh. - [Brock] Oh, Lord, Reba!

We are doomed.

They're gonna wanna put us all on medication.

And you can't drink when you're on medication.

Okay. Just calm down.

So the kids are crazy.

It just makes it that much more important

that the adults don't act like they're nuts.

There you are.

I cannot believe you guys did not invite me to therapy.

It's like not inviting a chimp to a banana factory.

Maybe I will look good in a straitjacket.

Barbra Jean, what are you doin' here?

Well, the therapist called me and asked me to join you.

He said that my perspective was important.

The therapist is an idiot.

And you should avoid therapists at all costs,

because they have the power to put you away.

If you bothered to watch Dr. Phil, Reba,

you would realize that they're here to help.

A half hour in an office or a TV studio

can fix anyone's life.

Okay.

Who is next?

- Ooh, I am. I am. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

Is there a problem?

"Problem?" [chuckles]

No problem at all.

- Go ahead, Barbra Jean. - Okay.

She's a drinker.

[gasps] Ooh.

University of Texas.

You know, my father went there.

My father.

Oh, boy, it's all starting to come up.

Gee, thanks.

Actually, uh, Mrs. Hart, uh,

I can schedule you for a separate appointment for that.

But for right now, we're here to talk about your marriage

and your relationship with Reba.

I understand.

Yes, I am here to talk about Reba.

So...

Reba.

Oh, boy, it's all starting to come up.

Can I give you a hug?

Not if I was choking on a piece of sausage.

- Give me a boost. - [chuckles]

Me boost you?

You'd pound me into the ground!

There'd be just this little head down here in the dirt.

And you're not the boss of me.

I know.

If I was your boss, we'd be sleeping together by now.

Reba, try not to think of it as you not being in the contest.

Think of it as me saving you

from making a fool of yourself. [chuckles]

Do you have a full-length mirror in your house?

Ding-dong.

Yes, you are.

[chuckles] Clever.

What would you have said if I would have said, "knock-knock"?

I would have said, "You're a ding-dong."

Maybe my clever little comments when you're around are immature,

but that's how I've dealt with this.

This hasn't been easy for me, Barbra Jean.

Well...

I am very sorry to hear that, Reba.

Okay.

Because, as you could imagine,

it has just been a freakin' picnic for me!

You think your clever little comments are tough for me to handle?

[scoffs]

I'm the other woman, Reba.

I'm the Whore of Babylon!

Reba, would you mind coming in?

Where's Barbra Jean?

She used the privacy exit.

I sent her to a colleague.

Huh.

That Barbra Jean, don't you just love her?

She can't help herself.

I mean, she's always told those tall tales.

I think it's 'cause she's so tall.

[chuckles]

Sounded pretty realistic to me.

I'm only crazy 'cause she made me that way.

You have no idea what she's really like.

♪ Gratia Dei, Maria ♪

Break it down, Mary!

Yeah!

- Hey! - [both gasp]

Oh.

Barbra Jean, what are you doin'?

No sign of Kyra yet.

I'm going back in.

[whistling nonchalantly]

Brock and I are having another baby!

But Brock had a vasectomy.

He's getting it reversed!

Wow. How'd you talk him into that?

He doesn't know yet.

You're completely crazy!

What she's trying to say is she has a problem

because she is attracted to you.

- Oh, you do smell good. - I know.

[mouthing inaudibly]

Okay, no, I-I see.

Barbra Jean,

I know you love Brock.

Oh, I do.

I really, I really do.

I'm evil. That's all.

No, you're going through something called transference.

It's when somebody in your situation becomes attracted to their therapist.

Even some of the nerdy doctors get it.

So, so I'm not bad?

You don't wanna...

punish me?

Trust me, no, no.

You're a good person.

But since you're still flirting with me,

I should probably refer you and Brock to somebody else.

So, um, I'll tell Brock it's because I've taken on too much.

Oh, Doctor, you...

are a wonderful...

wonderful man.

Oh, God.

♪ Amazing Grace, how sweet... ♪

She took my gum.

Well... [chuckles]

What do you think?

Is it me?

No. It's me.

Wait, let's be perfectly clear.

The color is stunning.

It's everything else that's freaky!

Oh, now, Reba.

No, Brock, of all the freaky things she's done, this is the freakiest.

Well, I just wanted to try something different.

It's my hair.

The only thing different is you're underneath it!

Hey, you know what? I...

I don't think it's really all that similar.

Are you kidding?

It's like looking in a carnival mirror!

Reba, just calm down.

I am not gonna calm down.

I don't want her anywhere near my house or my kids.

She's banned.

Oh, you can't be serious.

I can't trust her judgment anymore.

Who knows what else she's gonna do?

- Worse than banned, she's banished. - Oh.

Hey, do you think, now that I'm a redhead,

I'm gonna get all fiery and hot-tempered too?

Oh, that's it!

[shouting indistinctly]

All right, listen up...

Where is everyone?

Oh, uh, Van and Cheyenne were arguing,

so I made 'em wait out in the parking lot.

Oh.

I guess they kept arguing, 'cause the police made 'em go home.

I don't know what the heck happened to Barbra Jean.

Oh, the doctor referred her to someone who could give her the proper treatment.

So if the lights start to dim, we know what's happening.

Okay.

I think I have enough information to make my recommendation.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

[chuckles]

Don't I get to talk?

I don't think that's necessary,

not after talking to your wife and ex-wife.

No, no, no, that's not fair.

Come on, you try being married to the frying pan

and then to the fire.

Oh, save it, Brock.

You can talk about it at what I'm sure will be our weekly sessions.

It was my fault for trying to get the family to act normal.

Actually, this is normal.

What are you, nuts?

Normal families get into arguments.

They don't always get along.

But you've managed to stick together and talk it out.

That's a functioning family.

So we're done?

Yeah, let me just go sign your form,

and you'll be off the hook for good.

Oh, great.

Wow.

- It's great, huh? - Really great.

So what exactly were you gonna talk to him about the frying pan?

Whoa, whoa. Nothing, nothing.

- Uh-huh. - Okay, wow.

Just that, you know, you have this little tendency

to get violent with people.

Let's not leave it like this. Come here.

Yeah?

- [grunts] - [groans]

- [both] What? - Ow!

[screams]

[groaning]

Get over.

[Brock grunting]

- Don't you ever stop? - Ow!

[screeching]

[screeches]

That's the stupid...

[grunting]

I suppose you want to go back to the forest now, huh?

Quit making up stories, Brock.

Well, you know, it's just...

- [crew member 1 shouting indistinctly] - Knock, knock.

[both] Who's there?

Blooper. That's who's there.

Guess what, every...

I have a good worth eck...

I have a good work eckith.

[in Texan accent] What's wrong with chewin' ass?

[enunciating] Chewin' ice.

Chewin' ice.

- [laughing] - Ice.

- Ice. - [crew member 2] Chewing ice, not ass.

Ice.

[laughing]

Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones.

Why, who knows?

I mean, you did luck out with my carrot.

[crew member 3] She even wrote it down.

So, you don't mind if I take this and run with it?

No, I don't Barbra Jean.

- Reba, I just wanted to tell you. - [crew members laughing]

You're one of my favorite friends.

Anyway, gotta run.

[Brock] He's not even Chinese.

He just likes messing with me.

[Barbra Jean] All right.

[Reba laughing]

Relax.

[laughing] Relax.

[Reba laughing]

Now y'all laugh really loud when I say my line, okay?

[audience laughs]

- Okay, ready? - Not that one.

Not that one. This one I'm gonna say right now.

[crew member 4] Action, please.

Van, you're six foot four with a baby.

[laughing]

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]