Original subtitles

Hey there, Captain Real Estate. What you doing?

Oh, more lame busywork your mom gave me.

It's just a bunch of legal papers full of Latin.

It's like you gotta be from Latin America to understand this.

Why don't you tell her you already did it? And then we can make out.

- [Van] Oh. - Hmm?

Oh, stop it.

Oh, stop it some more.

♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow ♪

Hey, guys, come here.

You gotta see this.

[snoring]

Check it out.

I can see the thing in the back of his throat up and down.

Wow, passed out at 4:00 in the afternoon.

Next thing you know, he's gonna be wearing elastic pants.

Poor guy. He hasn't been sleepin'.

Barbra Jean's taking him to a sleep doctor.

- Let's put his hand in warm water. - Jake, no.

Jake,

that's childish.

We'll write on his forehead.

Hey, Mr. H.

Van was gonna draw on you.

Yeah, but in my defense, I was bored.

So it's like...

[Brock] Oh.

Well, at least you were only gonna write on my forehead.

Barbra Jean put my hand in warm water.

[door opens]

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Mom, I thought you were at a big meeting.

Oh, it got pushed back.

Van, how's the proofin' goin'?

Oh, great.

Same mistakes that weren't there before aren't there again.

I better double-check.

No, Mrs. H, you're checking on me all the time.

I don't check on you all the time.

Right.

'Cause that would be silly.

But I want equality.

You're not gonna burn your bra, are you, Van?

[laughing]

One, two, three and sleep.

Mrs. H, I want you to give me some important stuff.

I wanna go to the meeting with you.

Van, you are doin' important stuff.

You're learning.

Let me put it to you this way.

I'm the mama lion, and you're the baby cub.

I can't send you off to hunt buffalo if you're not ready.

So here's your "to-do" list, you cute little kitty.

But, Mrs. H, this stuff has nothin' to do with real estate.

Well, you're supposed to learn to do what you're told without arguing.

You don't do that, Ma.

[laughs]

That's because I'm the mama lion.

So pipe down, little stray goat.

Van, we have a problem.

The boss asked me today if everything was all right between us.

He said that some people were complaining about our bickering.

We wouldn't be bickering if I felt like I was being respected.

That's exactly how I felt when I was with her.

[laughs]

One, two, three and leave.

Hey, look, why don't you guys do some stuff together,

like pick out the photos for your new flyers?

- Oh, we're not gonna do another flyer. - Why not?

Well, because, Van, when you do your charming smile,

it's a little...

frightening.

What?

My charming smile is not frightening.

It's warm and inviting.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Hello.

I'm Dr. Beck.

Whoa!

You are having a sleep problem.

Bags under your eyes, the puffiness.

It's a good thing your daughter brought you in when she did.

She's my wife.

I know. I'm kidding.

I treat sleep disorders with a sense of humor.

It's a boring line of work and all I can do not to take my own life.

I'm just grateful I'm not a dentist.

I happen to be a dentist--

Ah, once again, humor. I read your chart.

Oh.

That's good.

So tell me how this all started.

Okay, about three months ago, Barbra Jean won this hamster at the school fair.

Yeah, I was the only one who knew how many jelly beans were in the jar.

I don't know how I do it. It's just a gift.

Anyway, I named the hamster Elton

because he looked like Elton John's hair.

Yeah, so anyway, we kept Elton in the bedroom, right?

[chuckles] It's just what you want.

Every classy bedroom has a small rodent spinning around in a wheel,

an incredibly noisy wheel.

Well, I think I have your solution.

Get rid of the hamster.

We take all major credit cards.

We got rid of the hamster.

Yeah, yeah, Elton has his own room now--

way on the other side of the house,

where if something were to happen,

nobody could hear him scream.

He's a rodent.

He doesn't scream.

And he shouldn't be wearing sequins.

Anyway...

I still have trouble sleeping.

Okay, well, look, in situations like this,

I usually like to come to your house and watch you sleep.

Unfortunately, I'm wearing an ankle bracelet

and cannot leave the premises.

Once again, humor.

Oh. [laughs]

So, yeah, I'm gonna give you this video camera,

and I want you guys to record yourselves sleeping.

Well, fortunately our bedroom's already set up for the taping.

Humor.

Yeah, not so much.

Hey, Mrs. H.

If I get done with all the filing you gave me,

can I go to the brokers' open?

Oh, Van, I don't think you've had time to finish--

Done!

- What? - I finished the filing.

You do realize it has to be alphabetical.

Yes.

Okay, quick.

What comes between, "G," and "I"?

Trick question. Nothin'.

Wrong.

♪ A, B, C, D E, F, G, H ♪

"H." "H."

Look, if you got it done that fast,

you probably did it sloppy and made mistakes.

I want you to refile them.

Oh, come on, Mrs. H.

I'm not a child.

Mr. MacKenzie.

Mrs. H won't let me go to the brokers' open...

and I finished all the filing she gave me and everything.

Reba, is this true?

Yes.

Because there's plenty of work for him to do here that he's more suited for.

I can't believe you went over my head.

Mr. MacKenzie, she's saying I went over her head.

- If you do that one more time-- - Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay. Stop.

- It's her fault. I finished my files. - I told you--

Please. Please.

[Reba, Van arguing]

Getting headache.

Knock it off.

Now, do you want both of us to knock it off or just her?

All right, now look.

People are complaining.

I've asked a therapist to come in.

I want you both to talk with him tomorrow.

- [Reba, Van] Therapy? - Yes, therapy.

You'll go in, you'll talk it out.

Maybe I can get this little vein to go back into my forehead.

Oh, with all due respect, sir, we don't need therapy.

Let me put this another way.

You'll go see this guy,

or...

you can both look for another job.

Well, if she's not gonna be here--

Got it?

Yes, sir.

Good. Thank you.

- Now see what you've done? - Your fault.

- It was your fault. - It was not.

- It was too. It was all your fault. - Was not. Was not.

- Oh, shut up. - I don't wanna shut up.

I can still hear you!

- It's his fault. - Her fault.

What are you doin'?

I'm arranging my emotions...

alphabetically.

Forget it.

Look, I am very busy, so whatever this guy has to say,

let's just go along with it so we can get out of here.

But I have issues.

[clears throat]

Van, please.

I am not in the mood.

Very closed off.

- Hello. You two must be Reba and Van. - Hello.

How do you do? I'm David.

Merry Christmas, Dave.

And a merry Christmas to you,

but my name is David.

My name is not Dave.

I don't know why people think they can call me Dave.

Even here I said, "Hello, my name is David,"

and yet you call me Dave.

Please.

My name is David.

Okay.

I've been going over your files,

and I've read that you have been

- bickering a lot lately. - Uh-huh.

Let's talk about that.

Well, I don't know if you'd call it bickering.

It's just that we just, we disagree.

Yeah, we disagree.

For instance, I would call it bickering.

- It's not bickering. - It is bickering.

- Is not. - Is too.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Just take this one at a time.

- Okay, well, I'll go first. - I'll go first.

- Van, why don't you go first? - Thank you.

Now, when it comes to working with Reba,

how do you feel?

Well...

I feel...

intimidated.

I feel

undervalued.

I fee...

I-I feel, uh...

[clears throat] Bad.

You had to write down that you feel bad?

Reba, please. Go on, Van.

I feel that no matter what I do, I can't get any respect from her.

- Respect? - Uh, uh. Reba.

And, and, and I feel like I've done very well,

and I'm grateful she gave me the job and all, but--

-"Gave me"-- - Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

But I want a chance to shine too.

But I can't because she gives me all the meaningless boring stuff,

and keeps all the really cool stuff for herself, like the flyers.

Okay, I gotta talk now.

Okay, okay, Reba.

All right. Very good, Van.

You hear that, Van? Good job.

Okay, first of all,

all the stuff that Van sees as meaningless is really very important.

- Oh. - And as for the flyers--

Van, I had to make an executive decision,

because your smile is very frightening.

- It is not frightening. - Yes, it is.

Is this frightening to you?

Look, Van, I'm not here to judge your smi-- [yelping]

- Huh? - Okay. All right.

Oh, no. Hey, hey. Okay.

All right. Oy.

And I just feel,

because I married her daughter and I live at their house--

[stammering] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're her son-in-law?

And you live and work with her?

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I got Cheyenne pregnant at 17, and my parents disowned me,

so where else was I supposed to go?

Well, I'm smelling an article in Psychology Today.

Whoa.

All right, look, the two of you clearly have trust issues.

And I mean, who could blame you?

So here's what we're gonna do.

This afternoon,

I want the two of you to switch tasks.

- What? - Yes!

- Victory. I win therapy. - All right.

All right, Van. Van. This isn't helping.

But I have a full schedule full of very important things.

This is not a victory for Van.

This is just an exercise in trust and compassion.

"Exercise in trust?"

Trust me. He's an idiot.

Reba, relax.

Okay?

You go out this afternoon, you come back tomorrow,

and we'll talk about this.

It's gonna go a long way to fixing your problems.

All right?

Now good luck.

[door opens]

Well...

[door closes]

Switchin' roles.

Interesting.

So I get to be irritable and hotheaded.

And I get to mess things up...

and be a big pain in the butt.

You know, that's just mean.

I'm gonna tell Dave.

For the last time, it's David.

Do I call you "Va," huh?

Va, huh? Huh?

Va? Got it, Va?

Good luck.

He needs therapy.

Hey, sorry I'm late. I was just finishing going over the tape.

Oh, can we get on with it? I am exhausted.

Brock had another bad night.

Yeah, and I think I know why.

Okay, first off,

do you always wear that to bed, Mrs. Hart?

[laughs]

- Oh, that old thing? I just threw it on. - [Brock scoffs]

But thank you, Doctor.

[clears throat]

Dear Lord,

please bless Henry,

and Brock and Reba,

and Dr. Beck...

and all the poor people in the whole world...

and all the people in jail.

- Yeah, this goes on for quite a while. - [on tape] Pray for--

[fast-forwarding, voice squealing]

Now, you see how I keep my head down there, Doc?

Do you play golf?

No. Give me my remote.

Okay, let's get to the sleep.

[squealing voice continues]

Okay, so here we've achieved rapid eye movement,

or as we call it, the REM state.

Breathing is regular.

Brock is drooling.

All is well.

Until...

- [smacks] - Hello.

Huh.

That's funny.

Yeah, I bet that's how I got this bruise.

But, wait, there's more.

[smacks]

[smacks]

- [kicks] - [grunts]

[thudding]

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey, the girls in the office love this next part.

[smacking continuously]

[kicks]

[smacking and kicking continues]

You know what would be funny during this?

Cartoon music.

[smacking and kicking continues]

[thudding]

- Oh, honey. - [shudders] Don't touch me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, I don't know why this could be happening.

It's called sleep rage.

Seriously, Doctor, why's she doing this to me?

Well, she must have some hidden resentment,

something her conscious mind won't let her express.

Oh, no. No, I love Brock.

Well, on the tape,

between blows, it sounded like you were saying something.

So, we isolated the audio and increased the volume,

and this is what we heard.

Elton.

[smacks]

- Elton. - [smacks]

Elton.

- [kicks] - [grunts]

[thudding]

Elton?

My hamster?

Are you kidding me?

She's beating me in my sleep

- because of a stupid hamster? - Don't you call--

- Ow! - Oh, my God!

Oh, my love for my hamster has turned me into a monster.

So, there it is.

She's beating you in her sleep...

because she's mad at you.

That's it?

Again, we take all major credit cards.

Well, Doctor, what are we supposed to do about it?

Oh, this isn't a sleep issue.

There's a marriage counselor across the hall.

Well, the first thing I'm gonna tell that marriage counselor...

is how my big, strong man can take a punch.

Ow.

And as you can see, we have a lovely wood-burning fireplace.

Great for stretching.

[sighs]

- Huh? - Thank you, Mr. Montgomery.

I'll take over from here.

Hi, I'm Reba Hart. I'm the Realtor for this property.

Cheater. I'm gonna tell Dave-id.

I don't care. And you're blowin' it.

First of all, there's a big truck out front.

You're ruining your open house.

- Excuse us. She's in therapy. - I'm not--

Mrs. H, what are you doing here?

I was supposed to handle this.

I won therapy fair and square.

Look, Van, I'm sorry you're having issues,

but this is a business,

and I don't have time to play silly games

when I'm responsible for this client's home.

For your information, these buyers are really interested.

They've been checking out the house for over an hour.

Hey, we'll be right there. Sorry.

Well, then you should be even more happy that I'm here to help you.

But I don't need your help.

I need you to back off.

I've been nothin' but responsible from day one.

Really? How about getting my daughter pregnant?

I already did!

Oh. I-I...

- I see what you mean. - Good.

Because you're young, you make mistakes.

Yeah, but I correct them. I married Cheyenne, didn't I?

I've been a great father and a great husband.

Yes, Van, you are, in part because I was helping you.

I was watching you.

But I don't need you watching me.

Mrs. H, I'm not that kid that moved in four years ago.

I'm a little bit more on the ball.

Van, this is different. We're starting a new business.

We can't afford any screwups.

Our reputation is everything.

We can't afford to let anything get past us.

But why do you think that I'm gonna screw up?

Because you're new.

There are so many tricks in the business that you haven't learned yet.

I'm the experienced one,

so the buck stops here.

- Okay? - Okay.

Good luck with your open house, Van.

[squeaking]

[squeaking continues]

[squeaking stops]

[toilet flushes]

Ow!

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]