Original subtitles

- [music on TV] - Why are we watching a stupid parade?

You realize there are cartoons on, right?

Van, will you please tell Jake

that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is a classic?

Stick with it, Jake.

Sometimes the balloons break free and terrorize the Shriners.

Trust me, man.

Old people are so funny when they're scared.

[groans] Another SpongeBob balloon.

Come on, guys.

Bring back Underdog.

Who's Underdog?

"Who's Underdog?"

Underdog is the coolest superhero ever.

No way. Spider-Man is the coolest.

Spider-Man. Please!

"Oh, look at me, I'm Spider-Man."

"I shoot gooey web stuff out of my wrist."

"I climb on buildings."

What kind of superhero can get killed by a giant tissue?

[Reba] Hey, everybody.

Come look at the turkey I got.

I know it's a little big, but I got to use the carpool lane.

Whoa!

That is a beaut!

Well, who else is comin' to dinner this year?

Well, let's see.

You and me, not Barbra Jean.

Cheyenne and Elizabeth,

not Barbra Jean.

Brock and Jake...

Oh, yeah, who am I forgettin'?

Oh, not Barbra Jean.

We get it. Barbra Jean's gone to Lubbock.

And for this, we give thanks.

Wait, so Barbra Jean, Kyra and Henry are going to Lubbock.

Well, why not Dad?

Well, your dad likes to keep his distance from Barbra Jean's brother.

They don't get along so well.

What did Mr. H ever do to him?

I mean, sure, he got Barbra Jean pregnant when he was married.

But he divorced his wife and married her, so...

Yeah, he's a good man.

Yeah.

Buzzard's just a little overprotective.

- Buzzard? - Buzzard!

Barbra Jean's brother's name is Buzzard?

Buzzard!

- Yeah. - God, he sounds kind of nuts.

Oh, he can be nuts.

Remember the time your dad came back from Lubbock

missing one eyebrow?

Yes.

Barbra Jean said that Buzzard has the other one in his wallet.

Oh.

I had one eyebrow once,

but then Cheyenne made me pluck.

Yes, I did.

Go get the rest of the groceries.

Wait, so have you met this guy?

No, and I hope I never do.

Barbra Jean's always been tryin' to set us up,

'cause it's her dream for us, one day, to be related by blood.

Oh, God.

It's also her dream for us to be buried together.

Hey, Mrs. H, why did you get two turkeys?

- [door closes] - That one goes to the church shelter.

Put it in the big bag by the front door. Somebody's comin' for it.

[thudding]

Strike!

Oh, oh, y'all, and we have to put the envelope

with the money from the garage sale in it too.

Oh, remember how funny that was?

I thought you were trying to sell the garage.

Has anyone seen that envelope? I swear it was right here.

Jake? Did you take it?

Why would you think I took it?

Cheyenne's the alcoholic.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, well, let's not worry about it right now.

I don't want anything to ruin this Thanksgiving.

It's gonna be the best one ever!

Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a major leak.

Hey, Mrs. H, the guy from the homeless shelter's here.

I'm not from the homeless shelter.

Hey, Reba.

It's me, Buzzard.

Buzzard. [chuckles]

Please tell me I know two Buzzards.

Buzzard!

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

So, where's Barbra Jean?

She's in Lubbock. She went to see you.

- She went there? - Yes.

Dagnabbit!

Well, there's a lesson for you:

Always read the whole e-mail.

But you thought she was here?

Her e-mail said she wanted to get together.

I just assumed that meant here.

So I jumped in my truck and drove all night.

By the way, I gotta take a shower.

Those Wetnaps at the truck stop aren't cuttin' it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait a Minute. Wait a minute.

Brock and Barbra Jean live down the street.

Why did you come to my house?

Uh, 'cause I was in town.

So I dropped by.

"If you're in town, drop by." Your letters?

You sent him letters?

One a week for 62 weeks.

She never wrote me once.

I've been down some pretty bad paths in my life.

And Barbra Jean told me to write to this woman,

and she wrote me letters back.

Each one...

an inspiration.

[chuckles]

Somebody go get Brock.

Brock.

Hey, you got a beer?

Oh, yeah, I think there are a couple in the fridge.

No matter what I say...

do not give me one.

Okay.

I talk about Brock, I gotta watch myself.

Anger's one of my triggers.

Oh, my gosh, I'm an alcoholic too!

- It's hard not to be delighted, ain't it? - [chuckles]

I won't set foot in Brock's house, and Barbra Jean knows it.

'Course you know that, seein' as you guys are best friends.

[laughs]

Right.

But my...

She's not here.

Dang it.

So, I guess you'll be needing directions back to the highway.

If you leave now, you can make it home for pumpkin pie.

Mom, can I see you in the kitchen?

So, uh, who's the smokin' hot blonde?

That's my wife, pal.

Nice work.

Thank you.

[marching band on TV]

This parade has sucked since they canned Underdog.

My name's Van.

How you doin'?

Mom, you cannot send him away. He needs our help.

He might drink.

Look, it is no accident that he was sent to me.

And you, of all people, should know that he's cryin' out for help.

After all, you are his pen pal.

I am not his pen pal.

I've never written him a letter.

The guy's a whacko.

Well, then who sent him those letters?

I think bein' a whacko runs in the family.

It must have been Barbra Jean.

[gasps]

Barbra Jean sent him those letters and said they were from you?

That is so romantic.

It is not, it's sick.

I don't even know what's in those letters.

Okay, well, you cannot tell him this.

Look, Mom, that could be a huge trigger for him.

Plus, he's family.

He's not in my family.

Well, he's in mine.

He's my stepmother's brother.

That makes him my step-uncle-thingy.

One Halloween, I trick-or-treated my whole neighborhood

as lovable, humble Shoeshine Boy.

Then I threw off the glasses, put on the cape,

and hit 'em all again as Underdog.

Oh, man.

I had candy comin' out of my butt that year.

I can't believe there's another huge Underdog fan like me.

Oh, man, I am more than just a fan.

I got the magnets, I got the shirt, the cape.

I got the little-feety pajamas from when I was a kid, but...

they don't fit me anymore.

Hey, Buzzard.

Why don't you just relax a while before you hit the road, okay?

Is that a go, then, on the shower?

- W-W-Wait-- - Hey, Reba. What t--

[yelps]

Buzzard.

There he is.

There's the SOB who's tryin' to take my sister to hell with him.

[nervous chuckle]

What Buzzard is really trying to say is:

Happy Thanksgiving.

Buzzard.

You're here. [chuckles nervously]

Buzzard thought Barbra Jean wanted him to come here to Houston,

so that's why he's here.

So we need to call her so I can have a little chat with her.

We can't. Big Daddy...

That's my daddy.

He's big.

He won't allow phone calls on holidays.

Yeah, yeah, but he...

he does let you drag guests down to the dock

and throw 'em in the freezing cold lake. [chuckles]

Yeah, man, that was fun.

Grandma dared me. I had no choice.

That's hilarious.

Hey, Buzzard. I dare you to grab Mr.--

- [together] Van! - I, I wasn't...

Well, Buzzard can play later,

because, first, he's gonna go to my meeting with me.

I'm gonna go get my purse.

And when you get back, I got a special treat for you.

The original cartoon series on DVD.

We can watch it in slo-mo and in Spanish.

- Underdog! - [chuckles]

Yeah, hey, listen, maybe I could try text messaging Barbra Jean.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

- That's a cute phone. - [Brock] Yeah.

Kind of looks like it could fit in your ear.

Yeah, hey, hey, look. Check this out.

- [clicks] - Oh, that's a good picture of you.

Just in case.

I'm real sorry about bargin' in on you like this.

I know it's a little awkward.

That's okay. It's just that it's Thanksgiving.

You know, private family time.

I understand.

I'm glad I got to meet you.

Your letters mean so much to me.

I really don't wanna talk about 'em.

They're full of so many pearls of wisdom.

What's that one thing you always say?

"Dear Buzzard"?

Okay, Buzzard, let's go.

We gotta get there early.

Otherwise, the chronics take all the good doughnuts.

Hey, remember that, that thing you said in your last letter?

I'm gonna hold you to that when I get back. [clicks tongue]

[door closes]

Time to move.

- What are we lookin' at? - [screams]

[gasps]

Reba. Yeah.

You know, I thought I, uh...

I thought I saw a, uh...

a badger out in the backyard.

Well, I guess it was, uh, just that bicycle.

I've never seen this side of you before.

Yeah, well, that's 'cause I save it for the time I spend around Buzzard, God.

I just don't know why that guy hates me so much.

I've always been nice to him.

You know, one year, for Christmas,

I gave him a guitar.

He lit it on fire...

while I was holding it.

Yeah.

Look, I got my own problems with him.

Buzzard was just discussing with me all the letters that I've written to him.

You wrote to him?

Why?

You couldn't find a pen pal in prison?

I didn't write letters to him, you moron!

Barbra Jean did and pretended they were from me.

I gotta find out what's in those letters.

For all I know, Buzzard thinks I'm in love with him.

We gotta get hold of Barbra Jean.

Well, I've tried everything, you know?

I tried phone, text, e-mail.

Heck, I even sent a telegram. Nothin'.

It's like trying to get in touch with an Amish person.

Well, what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Well, the first thing you wanna do is calm down.

- Don't worry, we'll figure this thing out. - Yeah.

Geez, Reba, you're not gonna solve anything

- by panicking. - [door opens]

Buzzard and I are back.

[yelps]

Okay, okay, okay, look.

Just stay calm.

He can smell fear.

- [door closes] - Hey, Reba.

What's that weird smell?

Oh, somebody's wearin' chicken cologne.

Look, Buzzard, we need to talk about those letters.

I know what you're gonna say, so let me say it first.

I think it's time we stop writin' letters.

[exhales]

- Wow. - Mmm-hmm.

You did know what I was gonna say.

I mean, it's kinda ridiculous to keep doin' it.

- Ha! "Ridiculous," that's the word. - Mmm-hmm.

Ridiculous. Kooky. Nuts. They're all good.

[laughs]

Especially since I'm movin' here.

Come again?

Look, I need you to be my life guide.

It's like you said in letter 27.

Say it with me.

"I'll be your guide

- for life's tough ride." - Okay, stop it!

This is gonna end right here.

I didn't write those letters.

It's so cute how embarrassed you are about it.

I'm not embarrassed, I'm mad.

I did not write those letters. Barbra Jean did, okay?

Well, why would Barbra Jean do a crazy thing like that?

Why would Barbra Jean go to the zoo and read to the chimpanzees?

She's crazy!

Oh.

Wow.

[sighs] Look, I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about? I'm...

I'm the idiot here.

Now, don't say that.

Technically, Barbra Jean's the idiot here.

Well, then. I'm...

I'm gonna get my stuff together.

Tell everybody I said...

bye.

Thanks for letting me sit in your truck, Buzzard.

- It's awesome. - Yeah.

Maybe someday you can have a truck like that.

You think?

Sure, all it takes is hard work...

and an uncle who owns one who drops dead.

Wait a minute.

You're my uncle, right?

[chuckles]

Are you leaving?

Yeah, I gotta get on the wind, pal.

- You gotta what? - Yeah, I'm leaving.

Got a lot of women waitin' for me, you know?

I hear ya.

- You got a girlfriend? - Yes.

No.

That's all right.

You're only, like, what, five?

I'm 11.

Hey, listen, don't worry about it.

I don't have a girlfriend either.

I mean, I used to. Then I dumped her.

Felt kinda like I was datin' my sister, you know?

So, now I'm flyin' solo.

Cool.

When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, Buzzard.

Just like me, huh?

Let me ask you something.

What's the deal with this missing money your sister was tellin' me about?

I don't know anything about that.

And I'm not lying.

Obviously, you're not lying.

If you were lying, your palms would be all sweaty.

[clears throat]

Tell you, you're lucky you don't lie, Jake,

'cause here's how it works.

You tell a lie, one lie,

then you gotta tell two lies to cover that one...

and then two more for each of those two,

and on and on.

And it gets really hard to keep track of,

especially if you suck at math.

And pretty soon, all that's left is the lies.

No more you.

That's how I got to know so many cops on a first-name basis.

You understand what I'm talking about?

Yes.

Now I wanna ask you a very serious question.

How old are you really?

I'm kidding.

You take that money?

Yes.

First of all, the garage sale was last month,

and I thought she forgot all about it.

Plus, I figured the money was mostly mine because they sold all my stuff,

except for that stupid rock polisher.

So what do you think I should do?

Well, let's look at your options.

You could tell your mother the truth...

or you could steal my truck and drive to Mexico.

Thanks, Buzzard.

No problem, kid.

Hey.

Better not hear my truck start up.

[door closes]

Well, I'm glad you finally decided to tell me the truth.

But stealing is a very serious thing, Jake.

I know.

You know you're gonna have to earn back my trust, don't you?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay. We'll talk about this later.

Well, I'm gonna take off.

Let you get back to Thanksgiving with your family.

Thanks.

Listen, Buzzard.

I realized something today.

You are family.

I'm...

You know, I don't cry, but if I did, I would right now.

And there's somethin' else I wanna tell you.

[sighs]

I wished I had have written to you, 'cause you're a good guy.

You won't be happy until I burst into tears, will you?

Look, I understand why Barbra Jean did it.

She sees the real you.

And I'm beginning to see the real you.

Well, I won't be happy till both of us are cryin', will I?

Yeah, that's the thing about Barbra Jean.

She's always there for the people she loves.

There's nothing you can do to chase her away.

I know.

Believe me, I know.

Sounds to me like you have a real good sister.

Sounds to me like you got a pretty good best friend.

[chuckles]

Right.

Well, we got a Thanksgiving dinner to get on the table.

Why don't you start carvin' on this bird for me?

Okay. [chuckles]

- I'm good at carvin'. - Great.

- [sharpener clatters] - [Reba] Oops.

Hey, Reba.

The lunatic finally leave?

[yelps]

Dang, I like havin' you around.

So anyway, God, that's the whole story.

And I didn't mean to steal it.

Please don't send me to hell.

Amen.

Amen.

That was a lovely prayer, honey.

Thank you.

But you're still grounded.

Thank you for dressin' up for dinner. You look very handsome.

Thank you.

I think it's very nice when everybody dresses up for a holiday dinner.

Cheyenne, you look very beautiful too.

Well, it is Thanksgiving.

I never like to forget that one of our greatest blessings is how good I look.

[chuckles]

Mrs. H, I think someone else should be recognized for dressing so nicely.

I think so too.

- You look cute as a button, sweetheart. - [Cheyenne] Mmm-hmm.

No, I'm Underdog.

Underdog!

Well, Underdog, you look cute as a button.

[chuckles, sighs]

Brock, are you sure you wouldn't like to sit up here at the table with us?

No, I'm fine.

And far away from the lunatic.

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]