Original subtitles

Hey, Brock.

You know, I got the house in the divorce so I could say things like this:

Get out.

Why don't you ask Mrs. H to talk to Barbra Jean?

She doesn't mind saying mean things to her.

I'm in.

You don't even know what he's talking about.

It doesn't matter.

If it's about Barbra Jean and it's mean...

I'm in.

Mr. H wants Barbra Jean to drop a few pounds.

[gasps] Van!

You do not talk about Barbra Jean's weight behind her back like that.

You just made a joke about it the other day.

[chuckles] Van, you do not rat me out.

Wait just a second. Let me get this straight.

You want me to talk to Barbra Jean about losing some weight?

Yeah, would ya?

- Sure. - Really?

- No! - Well, why not?

Because women don't tell other women that they need to lose weight.

Oh, I'll tell her.

What?

Well, I have to talk to Barbra Jean.

As an addict, it's my responsibility to help others.

And in my self-help group, we got all kinds of addicts.

We got shopping addicts, gambling addicts, sex addicts--

Sex addicts?

Well, I'm guessing they're not married.

It's good they're getting help though.

Anyway, I think that Barbra Jean may be eating more

because of all the crazy stuff you put her through in the past year.

[laughs]

Once again, everyone else's problems are my fault.

See, you say it,

but it doesn't sound like you believe it.

Come on, Dad, let's go.

Remember, first names only.

Okay, but you'll be gentle, right?

Totally.

I know how to talk in a way that's caring and sensitive to people of girth.

Barbra Jean, you're an addict.

- What? - You're addicted to food.

You use it to dull the feelings of emptiness in your life

and the disappointment in your relationships.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

[sniffing]

Do I smell schnapps?

Okay. I'm just trying to help.

Oh, I know you are, dear,

but perhaps you're looking at me with beer goggles.

Okay, when I called you an, "addict," I was trying to help.

Now you're just saying that to be mean.

Cheyenne, I'm sure she didn't mean anything.

You know, I have been in my group long enough

to know how to spot an addict,

and, believe me, they're everywhere.

But the first time that you tell someone they got a big problem,

it's like, "Hey, have another shot, boozehound."

I think, honey, you ought to let me handle this.

You know what, I swear to God, I'm gonna slug someone one day.

What's goin' on, Brock?

[sighs] Okay.

Look, I'm just gonna say it.

I'm gonna be direct, straightforward.

- Okay, spit it out. - You gained some weight.

Oh.

[laughs] I'm just...

I'm kiddin'.

Hey, we both put on some weight.

You want some wine? I do.

Oh.

Honey.

Honey, you don't have to get freaked out talkin' about this.

I know I've put on some extra pounds.

I just didn't realize that it bothered you.

No, it doesn't, "bother me," bother me.

It's just I thought, maybe, I don't know, maybe it bothered you.

Well, it really doesn't bother me.

It would start to bother me if it, "bothered you," bothered you.

No, I just...

Okay, wait, I'm getting confused.

Look, honey, I just want you to be happy.

And I...

I think you might be happier if you lost a little weight maybe.

Okay.

So you're not upset?

Why would I be upset?

Uh, I don't know.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

You guys, I just had the most personal experience with Brock

that we have ever shared.

I hope the curtains were closed.

So it worked out well?

I'm only asking 'cause I played such an important role.

Oh, I know. I know.

And I'm sorry about all those jokes about you being a big lush.

Not a problem.

I just know it was the, "carbs," talkin'.

[growls, laughs]

[laughs] I know.

Oh.

So you're okay with all this?

Oh, why wouldn't I be?

You know?

Why wouldn't any wife be thrilled

to find out that her husband thinks she's a big lard-ass?

What?

He said that?

[groans]

If he had said that to me,

I'd have slapped that fake tan right off his head.

No.

He didn't say it exactly like that,

but it's exactly what he meant.

He told me he wants me to lose weight.

And you know what? He's right.

What?

What do you... What do you mean?

You, you want to lose weight?

Yes.

I suppose so, you know, it's...

It's just so hard.

Oh, Barbra Jean,

the key to doing anything like this is doing it with the support of others.

That's right.

There are a ton of groups.

I, I didn't mean, "ton."

I meant, there are a lot of groups that you can contact.

I'll go get the phone book.

Oh, no, no, no, Mom, she doesn't need the phone book.

She already knows our number.

Barbra Jean, Mom and I are gonna do this with you.

Meet Jenny and Craig.

Say what?

Oh, come on, you were just saying the other day

how you wanted to get rid of a few unwanted pounds. [chuckles]

The only unwanted pounds I wanna get rid of

is sitting over there in that chair.

Mom, don't you think going on a diet will be easier with the help of others?

- Oh, I guess. - Hmm.

I always lose my appetite when she's around.

Okay.

That's it. We're in.

Oh, Cheyenne, are you serious?

Dead serious.

Okay, we are all partners in this.

You can call or come over 24-7.

24...

Say what again?

Oh, my gosh, this is so... [stammers, grunts]

This is so exciting.

Oh!

We are gonna be together constantly.

You know what, I'm gonna go home,

and I'm gonna program you into the speed dial on my cell phone.

- I will talk to you in two minutes. - [Cheyenne giggles]

[sighs]

Did you just give her permission to come over to my house 24-7,

day or night?

Mom, knowing that support is out there is crucial at a time like this.

I should know.

That's how I got over my dependence on alcohol.

Alcohol.

Good idea.

Hey, guys, I just had a great idea.

Matching sweat suits.

[pops mouth] Yeah.

Alcohol.

And a lot of it.

- [exhales] - Whoo! Hah!

Man, that was a great idea.

You know, walking to lunch and getting a salad with no dressing.

- Yeah. - And then walkin' all the way back.

You know, whoo!

[laughs]

You're in pretty good shape, Barbra Jean.

You practically ran the whole way home.

Yeah, well, I knew there was real food here.

[laughs]

Okay. Let's stay positive.

Now that salad was very filling.

Oh, no, no, that salad was huge, you know.

Did everyone else get three slices of tangerine in theirs

or was I just lucky, you know? Whoo!

What?

- Jake, have you had lunch yet? - No.

How many times have I told you that candy can ruin your appetite?

Plenty. My problem is I just won't listen.

Jake, you need to learn to not eat candy without permission.

Okay, now hand it over, and I will dispose of it properly.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He's my son, I'll take care of it.

Hey, you know what? I have willpower. Hand it over, shorty.

No, give it to me. I know better. I know better.

- Give it to me. - I got it. I got it.

It's mine.

I hate it when you guys diet.

No. Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake.

You know, when he runs,

he kinda looks like a little chicken, you know?

Thanks for doin' this with me, guys.

I could never succeed without your support.

No problem. We'll see you at dinnertime.

Oh, Reba, I can't go home.

There's too much temptation there.

Last night I ate a Cheerio I found in the dryer.

You can do anything with the support of your friends.

Now go home, Barbra Jean, you have our support.

You can stay here as long as you need to, Barbra Jean.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks.

[sputtering]

That looks so good.

It's potpourri.

- Is it fresh? - No!

Here. Stop. Stop.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

In five minutes, if we show some self-control,

we will reward ourselves with a snack.

Half a plum and three cashews. Until then...

no food talk.

- Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. - All right. Yeah.

Hello, ladies.

Lookin' skinny.

So how's the diet going?

Oh, it's goin' great.

We walked three miles for a bowl of lettuce.

Oh, we also had a light, healthy lunch.

- Really? - Yeah.

[sniffing]

Because you smell like garlic.

No, my salad had, uh, you know, uh, Italian dressing.

Plus, there was garlic on the pizza.

Van.

You had pizza?

Mushroom and sausage.

- Oh, I want some. - What?

[grunting]

No. Barbra Jean!

I, I had a salad. I swear.

You had veal piccata with a side of rotini.

- You can taste that? - Oh, yeah.

What'd you have for dessert?

- [Brock] Oh. - All right! Cut it out!

Cut it out! Cut it out!

Stop this. Stop this.

Wow.

Brock, Van, go brush your teeth...

and chew a pack of gum.

Here, Van, here. Here, here, here, here.

Take this. My stomach's starting to rumble.

Oh, honey, I'm really, really proud of you.

You know, when he walks away like that,

he kinda looks like an onion blossom.

Come on, guys, this can't be that hard.

What are we?

Some desperate hungry animals?

- [timer dings] - [clamoring]

- [shouts] - [screams]

[humming]

Someone took my cupcake.

[sniffing]

[sniffing]

Mom, that's my cupcake.

Well, you're on a diet.

So are you.

So is she.

Fine. I'm just gonna have ice cream.

It's over on the table.

Okay, look, I just want you to know

that this is the first time that I've cheated on our diet.

- I've cheated every night this week. - [sighs]

Hey, guys, I saw the light on, and I...

Well...

what do we have here?

This is your fault, Cheyenne.

"Come over 24-7."

"Anytime you want."

Well, I came over because I found another Cheerio in the dryer

and I needed the support of my diet buddies.

But, you know, I guess it's okay if you two cheat

because I'm the only one who really needs to lose weight, right?

No, I have to, too, and I have.

I've lost a pound and a half.

And I've lost two pounds.

[sobs] I've gained four.

And I'm not cheating.

Oh, no, Barbra Jean.

You've been working out.

Maybe it's muscle, that weighs more than fat.

Shut up before I snap you in two.

All right.

All right. Let's all calm down here.

Cheyenne, why don't you go put the ice cream away?

Okay.

Okay, Barbra Jean, I know this is hard, but...

In no time at all, those pounds will just start melting off.

Oh, Reba. No, they won't.

I have tried dieting before, and I've always exercised.

And my doctor, he says I'm healthy as a horse...

a Clydesdale.

Well, I think it's time you found yourself a new doctor.

Oh, I'm on an HMO!

I'm just built differently.

You know, why, why couldn't I have been built like you two?

[scoffs]

Hey, Barbra Jean, a lot of people have issues with their bodies.

Yeah.

Why do you think it's been three years since I've been to the beach?

Because of your pasty white skin?

No.

Because I don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit anymore.

Yeah, Barbra Jean.

I got this scaly patch of skin right here on my elbow.

Well, well, you can't see it now, but...

No, it's totally there.

Yeah, I know.

We all talk about it.

You know what, Reba?

I would kill to look like you.

And you know what, I never will.

And all this dieting is doing is just making me miserable.

- Well, then, stop it. - Oh, right.

I mean it.

Why be miserable when you don't have to?

Because...

I wanna be beautiful.

You are beautiful!

Oh, please, Reba.

I look at the television and the movies and the magazines...

and none of those women look like me

or anyone else that I know.

Well, except for maybe you two.

You two are the freaks.

Oh, Barbra Jean.

You think I look like I could be in a magazine?

Seriously, like a twig.

Okay, Cheyenne, Cheyenne. Come here.

Go put some lotion on your scaly patch.

Yeah.

Barbra Jean,

do you think you're funny, interesting and genuinely a good person?

Yeah.

Well, I do too.

I'm also kind-hearted and well-meaning.

Okay.

I'm good with animals,

both live and balloon.

I know how to milk cows and goats,

and I know how to milk a squirrel--

Okay. All right. All right.

Let's just say that you have a lot of good traits.

Okay?

And that should be enough for you to like yourself.

It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

Well, Reba, it matters what my husband thinks,

and my husband doesn't think that I'm attractive.

You know, that's why we haven't had any...

♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow ♪

...in the bedroom lately.

Okay.

I am going to address the issue of yours and Brock's...

"bow-chicka-bow-bow..."

once.

Then I'm gonna go take a shower, and we'll never speak of it again.

I don't think it's Brock who doesn't find you attractive.

What do you mean?

Okay, yeah, you've put on a few pounds...

but it's not like you were tiny when you and Brock got together.

I mean, let's face it, you've always been a handful of woman.

And Brock, God bless him...

couldn't keep his hands off of ya.

Well, it's true.

You know this one time, we were at the state fair--

- Stop. - Okay.

[sighs]

The change is, I don't think you find yourself attractive.

[sobs] So what do I do?

[sniffling]

I think you need to go home,

put on something that makes you feel sexy,

and then let your husband show you

how beautiful you are to him.

[sniffling]

Thank you, Reba.

That couldn't have been easy to say.

A lot easier to say than, "bow-chicka-bow-bow."

[laughs]

And you know what? I am really grateful.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna help you with your problem.

I'm gonna get a big umbrella and some SPF 120,

and you and me, we're goin' to the beach.

[door closes]

Oh, Lord, please let it rain.

Hey.

Hey, how was the beach?

Oh, it was great.

You know, nothing like a little tan to make a girl feel pretty.

Oh, and, um,

when your Mom comes in...

say nothing.

What are you talking about?

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

[sighs]

You okay?

Barbra Jean was supposed to wake me up.

Well, I was doin' a sand sculpture of you,

and it's easier to do if you don't move.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Well, thanks to you, I look ridiculous.

Oh. No, you don't.

- Oh. - Oh, oh, oh. Ow.

- Yeah. - [groans, sighs]

Ooh, look...

you're my little Reba Raccoon. [laughs]

[groans]

Okay, you... That is bad.

Cheyenne, get your Mom some of your scaly patch lotion. [laughs]

[humming]

- Oh. - Ow.

Oh.

[groaning]

[whimpering]

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]