Original subtitles

So what do you guys really think of Reverend Parks?

- Smokin' hot. - Mmm-hmm.

Barbra Jean, he's a man of God.

I got two words for you, Reba...

Thorn Birds.

- He is kind of cute. - Yeah.

Hey, when a man's behind the pulpit, I don't think about those kind of things.

But, now, if he was a construction worker, I'd be all over that.

[Barbra Jean] Hmm, oh, yeah.

Hey, kids, you got your church clothes on.

Those clothes are for praying, not for playing, come on.

- Hi, baby. - [Van] Run.

Run. Come on, baby. Run. Run.

Run. Yes!

Touchdown!

- Van? - Hey.

- We're back. - How was church?

Fine. How was sinning?

Awesome.

Hey, Elizabeth. That's a pretty dress.

Yeah, and she only pulled it over her head three times.

Come on, Elizabeth. Let's go get washed up for lunch.

- Come on, honey. - Come on.

- Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. - [squeals]

- Van? - Huh?

- We have a problem. - I know.

The Texans got no running game.

Show him.

Elizabeth drew this picture today at Sunday school.

It's her family at church.

Notice something missing, Van?

Huh?

Perspective and subtle shading?

You. Van, you're missing.

Oh, well, maybe that orange smudge is supposed to be me.

Face it, Cheyenne.

She's not very good.

Van, you shouldn't be sitting and drinking beer on Sunday

- while your daughter is in church. - You really shouldn't.

- It's not good. - It's not right.

- It's bad. - Okay.

Okay, how many wives do I have?

Why is everybody bothering me?

Mr. H spent the morning drinking beer and watching football, too,

at Hooters.

[chuckles]

Honey, don't you listen to your silly, hat-wearin' Uncle Van.

Come on, sweetie.

You know Daddy spent the morning doing dental work for the poor,

just like Jesus would've done if he'd gone to dental school.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Mom, can I ask you a question about the Bible?

Sure, honey.

Can a brother and sister marry?

Jake, what's that got to do with the Bible?

Well, if Adam and Eve were the first people on Earth,

and they had kids, then who did their kids marry?

Uh, Jake, why don't we leave that question for your Sunday school teacher, okay?

Okay.

But if she didn't know this week,

I don't know why she'd know next week.

Let's have some quiet time, okay?

Okay, Van.

Put this on and get in the car.

Ooh, are we spicing up our love life?

No.

We're going to church.

On a Wednesday night?

What is this, Christmas Eve?

Van, you said the only reason you weren't going to church was because of football.

Well, there's no game on tonight.

Oh, yes, there is.

Classic Sports Channel

is showing a rerun of Super Bowl VIII.

It's like watching an old Super Bowl all over again.

- Van-- - Man, I wish I could bet on it.

[door opens]

Who's ready for some God?

No, thanks, my God tank is full.

Oh, there's always room for Reverend Yummy Pants.

- [mock cough] - Yeah.

Mr. H, good. A man.

Explain to them why football is better than church.

Well, I would, Van, but as a matter of fact,

I am going to church tonight.

Thanks to you.

And Wednesdays are endless hot wings at Hooters.

Hey, I had a bunch of women squawking at me.

I needed them to get mad at someone else.

Yeah, well...

I get that.

Mom...

Van is still refusing to go to church.

Make him go.

I don't think it's right to force somebody to go if they don't wanna go.

Oh, you're wrong, Reba.

My daddy used to force my brother to go.

And now he's the most God-fearing, churchgoing person in prison.

I-I can't believe that you're sticking up for them.

Honey, the Bible teaches us to be tolerant of others.

But that's only for people who think the same way we do.

Well, Van doesn't wanna go, and Brock can't go.

Holy water burns.

I agree with Reba,

even though she's being mean to me.

You're going, Brock.

I'm your wife now, not Reba.

If you don't wanna be forced to go to church,

you should've stayed with her.

Man, I knew that'd come back to haunt me.

[chuckling]

I'll go get the car.

Look, Van, ever since I accidentally got pregnant,

you and I talked about, from that moment on,

we were gonna be good parents.

And part of that is going to church.

Just think of it like we're cops, all right?

Good parent, bad parent.

Van, do it for Elizabeth.

Oh, please, don't do that to me.

You know how I get weak when you bring up that wonderful child.

Do it for that sweet, innocent daughter that you love so much

and wanna do such a good job parenting.

- Okay, okay, fine. I'll go. - Really?

Yes, I'd rather go to church for an hour

than listen to you bark at me for the next three months.

Oh, that is the sweet guy that Elizabeth calls the world's greatest daddy.

- Mmm. - Watch the hair.

Elizabeth, come on, Daddy's going to church.

Well, praise the Lord for parental guilt.

I gotta tell ya,

I'm really glad you changed your mind.

Yeah. You're lucky, Van.

For every day you don't go to church, God takes a day off of your life.

I think you're thinking about cigarettes.

But who knows? You might learn something.

Yeah, well, I doubt it.

Come on, Van. It's just a couple of hours.

And you'll be doing a good thing.

Look, I said I'll go, I don't have to be happy about it.

Van,

what is it about going to church that's so bad?

- You don't wanna know. - Yeah, I do.

Well, I don't wanna tell you.

- Why not? - Because...

I don't believe in God.

[chuckles nervously]

He's just jokin'.

Is it me...

or is it gettin' hotter in here?

[sputters]

Van, we need to talk.

I've already said what I have to say.

Good, 'cause when I said we talk, I meant you listen.

Look, Van, there's two things you can always believe in.

One is God,

and the other thing is...

if you ever say anything like that again,

I will put you in the ground.

I knew it, I knew you wouldn't be able to accept this.

Of course, I can't accept this.

Van, if you don't believe,

why do you watch Davey and Goliath every Saturday morning?

Because it's funny.

Especially when he says, "Aw, gee, Davey."

Stop it.

You will not be joking around about this.

This is a God-fearing house, so start fearing.

Mrs. H, you cannot tell me how to think.

They're my thoughts, and I might not have 'em often,

but I know I'm allowed to have 'em.

We're talking about my soul here, not yours.

Yeah, but your soul lives in my house,

and I don't want it to get struck by lightning.

Uh...

A minute ago, you were all acceptance and tolerance.

You're only tolerant if I think the same way you do.

You're acting just like Barbra Jean said.

You're comparing me to Barbra Jean?

Oh, you are tempting fate, buddy.

Reba, I hope you don't mind,

but I was just looking through my Bible for a passage that might help Van,

and, um, I think I found it.

Van, if you look here at Matthew 12, verse three.

Oh, Barbra Jean...

"Jesus says unto his disciples..."

- What is wrong with you, boy? - Ow!

Huh?

You wanna spend eternity in a fiery damnation?

Knock it off!

Streets of gold or lakes of fire, your choice, Van.

Barbra Jean, stop it.

You're not gonna get anybody to believe by hittin' them with a Bible.

Well, that's how my daddy did it.

Listen, I'm sorry this upsets everyone, but this is how I feel.

Van, what happened to you?

You used to believe. You used to pray.

You're right, Mrs. H, I used to pray.

I used to pray every day.

And then when I found out about my back problems,

I prayed 10 times a day.

I asked God, "Please."

"Please, let me play football."

And if there is a God,

then he sucks at his job.

Okay, that does it. Get in the car.

Is this the part where you're gonna put me in the ground?

No, this is the part where you're gonna go speak to the minister.

And if that doesn't work, then I'm gonna put you in the ground!

Now get in the car.

It is definitely getting hotter in here--

Get in the car!

[Reba] Come on. Up the hill.

Okay, Reba, when we get into the reverend's office,

- tell me that my hair looks great. - Okay.

No, say how smart I am.

No, no, no, casually mention that I've memorized the whole Bible.

Oh.

Oh, Mrs. Hart.

Van. Barbra Jean.

Reverend Parks.

[giggling]

I should really make sure she's okay.

No. Let's go.

Reverend Parks,

we have a problem we need you to solve.

Uh, the service starts in 10 minutes.

Well, you better work fast.

Van doesn't believe in God. Go.

Ah. Speed converting.

Time me. [clears throat]

Okay, Van, first of all,

are you here of your own free will and volition?

If, "volition," means, "a threat of violence," then, yes.

You're free to go.

Thank you, Reverend Yummy Pants.

What are you doing?

The boy doesn't believe in God!

That's the least of my worries.

What does, "Reverend Yummy Pants," mean?

He's lost his way, you gotta do something.

I've done everything I can think of.

And Barbra Jean even hit him.

Barbra Jean?

She seems so nice.

She sent me a copy of The Thorn Birds.

Look...

I think Van really does believe.

But he's just going through a crisis right now.

- Mmm-hmm. - I think

that he's a little bit mad at God

because he hadn't been having his prayers answered.

Well, that sounds like a pretty decent reason.

Not having your prayers answered is a bad reason.

I'm the queen of unanswered prayers,

and you don't see me giving up on the Lord.

You're the queen of unanswered prayers?

Oh, this is gonna be a big blow to my mother.

Would you stop it?

- I'm here for guidance. - Oh.

You're here for guidance.

Now we're talkin'.

I don't mean for me. I mean for Van.

He's the one with the doubts.

Well, it seems to me that the queen of unanswered prayers

may have some doubts of her own about God.

Well, I don't.

I'm very grateful for everything I have.

And I tell God that every day.

Good for you.

But there must be a lot that you're unhappy about.

Do you tell God that?

Do you have to have a snippy response to everything?

I'm not trying to be flip.

It just seems that everybody,

at some point or another, would have their faith tested.

It's human.

Well, I'm not.

I mean, I've never.

Not just a little?

No.

And I don't wanna talk about it.

I'm here to talk about Van.

A lot of times, people come in here

to talk about their "friends,"

but they really want to talk about themselves.

And if that's you,

I'm a really good listener.

All I wanna do is help Van.

Fair enough.

[clears throat]

Mrs. Hart,

people who come to church are only helped if they want to be.

So if Van wants to talk to someone,

please, let him know my door is always open.

I think that takes care of everything.

So that's it? Goodbye?

That's it.

Thanks for nothin'.

[whispers] Three, two, one.

Mmm-hmm.

You know, you're really ticking me off.

I don't know if you went to seminary school

or just took an improv class down at the comedy club.

And your point is?

Yes, I've had my doubts!

Happy?

[sighs]

I was a wife and a mother.

Then my husband left me for his pregnant assistant.

Then my daughter got pregnant too.

And, then, she came and told me

that she was gonna marry her teenage boyfriend.

- I didn't know. - [sighs]

I knew what my life was.

And then, one day, it all vanished.

I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.

And, then, one day, I just stopped.

Why don't you tell Van this?

Because I'm ashamed that I felt that way.

Reba, calm down.

God is a big boy.

He can handle it when people react normally,

when life roughs them up a little bit.

But I can't tell Van to believe in him, and neither can you.

But you can tell him that you know someone who's felt the same way.

Well, Reverend Yummy Pants.

You're beginning to sound a little bit like a minister.

Well, I do impressions.

Can I ask you one more question?

Of course, you can.

Can a brother and a sister marry?

I told Jake to ask you that.

You did?

I still don't understand.

How did Van get a letter from the minister excusing him from church?

God works in mysterious ways, Cheyenne.

Well, you're gonna start going after football season ends, right?

Well, let's just see how preseason hockey goes.

Bye, Elizabeth.

Jake, come on, let's go to church.

Whoa, Jake, the coat.

Wow. You look nice.

Just trying to, uh, spruce it up a bit.

Yeah?

Here, let me help you out with this.

You're not taking the Game Boy to church.

I'm supposed to bring it to the church for the Blessing of the Game Boys.

Do you think I make this stuff up?

Okay, but you're gonna leave it in the car when we get there.

Fine.

But I'm playing it in my head.

Hey, Mrs. H?

Yeah, Van.

How did you get that note?

Van, I don't put 20 bucks in the collection plate every Sunday

without expecting a few favors.

No, but what I mean is-is why? Why'd you do it?

How come you're not mad at me anymore?

I was never mad at you.

Oh, I guess I assume someone's mad at me

when they say they're gonna put me in the ground.

[laughs]

And I'm sorry I don't believe in God.

Van, I don't think you really mean that.

I think you still believe.

It's just that you and God aren't talking right now.

You guys have a relationship

that I desperately really wanna have with Barbra Jean.

I guess this feeling is something you can't understand.

Well, that's a bet you'd lose, Van, 'cause I've been there.

- Come on. You? - [chuckles]

Yeah, even the most devout person has their doubts.

Not Mel Gibson.

Yes, Van, even Mel Gibson.

But you know what I learned through all this?

I learned that God waits on us.

He waited for me when I was mad at him.

Wow.

What did you ever do to tick her off?

Wow!

Reverend Parks?

Oh, Barbra Jean. Hi.

Please, come on in.

Oh.

Oh, such a gentleman. [chuckles]

Well, Reverend, I...

I just wanted to thank you for all your hard work here at the church,

so I baked you a pie.

Oh.

Oh, look at that.

You cut out little birds in the crust.

What are they, mockingbirds?

Thorn.

Thorn birds.

Okay.

So, what can I do for you today?

Well, Reverend, I, um,

I wanted to talk to you about, um, a friend.

Okay.

See, um, this friend is married

and would never do anything to betray her husband.

She also has this best friend, the former wife of said husband,

and she would never do anything to betray her as well.

Well, except steal her man, but that was a long time ago.

And...

Barbra Jean.

I, too, have a story that I would like to share.

- Oh. - [clears throat]

I have a friend who is a minister.

Really? [chuckling]

And this minister is really interested in one of the members of his congregation.

[voice quavering] Really?

But he doesn't know how to go about asking her out.

If she came to see him,

do you think that would be a good time to ask her?

Okay, you know what? Listen, Mr. Minister, all right?

I know when you say "friend," you really mean yourself.

And just because I shamelessly flirt, which I cannot help,

because I am a naturally vivacious and friendly person,

does not mean that you could make a pass at me.

And in the church, for golly's sake.

- Barbra Jean-- - Oh, no, no, no.

Your smooth talk is not gonna fly, peaches.

Okay? All right?

This is wrong, church boy.

Wrong as wrong can be.

Now, I'm gonna take my pie,

and my special edition copy of The Thorn Birds,

and I'm just gonna pretend like this conversation never happened.

Oh, my goodness.

I can't believe it.

- Barbra Jean? - What?

I was talking about Reba.

Oh.

Of course, you were.

You have to say that because I'm taken.

- See you Sunday, all right? - [smacks buttocks]

♪ Amazing Grace ♪

♪ How sweet... ♪

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]