Original subtitles

[grunts]

[groans]

So, how was your day?

You know that little starter home I've been tryin' to sell?

Well, guess what? I sold it.

It's like you're cursed.

Yeah, isn't selling houses what you're supposed to do?

The buyer was another real estate agent from my firm.

He's gonna flip it!

One of my brothers flips houses.

He buys low and sells high.

- He has made a fortune. - Mmm.

My other brother flipped his pick-up.

He made a fortune pretending he has whiplash.

This is the third time he's done this to me.

David Davids,

a guy who's not creative enough to have two different names

is makin' a fortune off of me!

He's already made 50 grand.

Fifty grand?

Reba, excuse me for pointing out what should be obvious,

but there's a simple way to keep this from happening.

Instead of being the, "flippee," you should be the flipper.

[gasps] Yeah, Mom, you should totally do that.

Do you think I'm so stupid that I hadn't already thought of that?

[mouthing words]

I've already thought of that!

Well, then, why don't you do it?

'Cause.

You have to have a preapproved mortgage from the bank, and I can't get it.

My credit rating is too low.

Don't ever get divorced, Cheyenne, it'll ruin you.

Sorry!

Hey, wait a minute, you and Van are partners, right?

Well, Van has one of those preapproval letters.

No, he doesn't.

- Wait. He does? - Mmm-hmm.

Why?

He got it after the 10th time you threatened to kick us out.

He said we needed a quick exit strategy.

I got it.

Wite-Out.

We'll get the letter from Van,

we'll Wite-Out his name, we'll put in your name...

You know, as I say it, it sounds like fraud.

Look, why don't you just mooch off Van? That'd be a turnaround.

- That's a great idea. - [Cheyenne] Yeah.

Who knew Van could be so useful?

This is perfect.

I got the brains and the know-how. He's got the credit!

[chuckles] I can't wait to bring Van in on this!

Bring Van in on what?

Ooh, Van, I got a great idea for us to make some money.

If you're thinkin' about sellin' pot like that chick on Showtime,

the answer is no.

No.

I'm thinkin' about buyin' and sellin' some of the real estate we list.

You mean that thing Davy two-names does?

The, uh, flippin' thing?

Yes, yes, it's me and you, Van, rakin' in the cash!

- And you'd let me do that with you? - Yes.

Pass.

[theme song playing]

[Reba] Hey, hey.

♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪

"Pass?"

I offer you what could be the chance of a lifetime

and you say, "Pass"?

Wait a minute.

This could be the chance of a lifetime?

- Yes. - Oh. Pass.

Wait a minute.

All right, you're actually startin' to annoy me.

Why pass?

Because, Mrs. H, the housing market is falsely inflated right now.

Full of untrained speculators,

and the bubble is gonna burst at any second.

To quote Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan,

"The froth is on the market."

Do you understand anything you just said?

I understand when an old geezer in a suit talks about money, I listen.

Van, Van, listen.

Honey, you're my son-in-law.

And I hate to get rich and you just stay poor.

But we're gonna get all your money when you die anyway.

So, six of one...

Okay, what's goin' on with you?

You've always loved risky stuff.

I mean, you were the one that's always goin' around puttin' forks into toasters.

Yes, but when I put a fork in a toaster, I get a payoff:

an English muffin.

Or that one time, my watch.

But the thing that you're talkin' about doesn't have a payoff.

How can you say that?

Do you have any idea how much money

David Dingbat is makin' flippin' these houses?

Yeah, but David Dingbat has something that you don't have.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Stones.

"Stones?"

Stones. Cojones. Brass ones.

He doesn't just talk about doin' things, he does 'em.

I'm gonna do that too.

Oh, Mrs. H, no, you're not.

With all due respect, you say this every time.

You see somebody else takin' a risk that works out for them

and you're, like, "Hey, I wanna do that too."

But at the end of the day, you just can't pull the trigger.

Well, pardon my French, but that's buffalo droppings.

You think I don't have stones?

Watch this.

Those aren't stones.

These are stones.

Mmm.

[pretentiously] Coffee ground with a hint of eggshell.

You're wrong about me, Van.

And to prove it, I guarantee you

that I will buy a house to flip within the week.

You're serious? One week?

One week. I promise.

All right, deal.

One week or seven days, whichever comes first.

No problem.

I'll get us a house before you can say,

"I wished I hadn't eaten that garbage banana."

[chuckles]

All I'm saying is, we wouldn't have missed the opera

if you had stopped and asked for directions.

I know. I get it. Let it go.

I mean, we didn't even have to pull over.

We've got this stupid "Econostar."

All we have to do is push a button, and a person comes on to help you.

- Watch how easy. - Whoa! Be careful!

Every time you push that thing, it costs, like, two bucks.

Plus tax. It's a total rip-off.

Yeah, well, the tickets to the opera cost 65 bucks each,

and we missed the show.

Sixty-fi...

You told me you won those tickets on a radio show.

Oh, get real, Brock.

What radio station gives away opera tickets?

K-LAME?

I bought them because the opera is far away,

and I thought we could talk in the car.

Well, I can't talk when I'm lost, woman.

Well, when can you talk?

You never want to talk when you come home from work.

Yeah, because I'm a dentist.

I talk all day long.

My patients have mouths full of equipment.

All they can do is blink and go... [gagging]

Yeah, well, I'm home all day with our three-year-old,

and... [gagging]

passes as good conversation!

I'm just tryin' to tell you I need some adult entertainment.

[sighs]

You...

- You wanna rent a dirty movie? - [scoffs]

No.

That is not the answer to everything!

I was talkin' about the opera.

Oh, face it, Barbra Jean,

no straight man in America wants to go to the opera.

Oh, right.

You're Mr. Macho.

Are you wearing your leopard thong tonight?

Hey.

I got that as something fun for us.

Yeah, well, it's not fun.

It's gay.

That's it, I don't have to take this anymore.

Hey, everybody! Brock Hart wears a leopard thong!

Now it's not special.

- [door slams] - [male voice] You're right, you know.

Is that God?

Do you want me to build something?

[male voice] No. You pushed the call button.

I've been listening the whole time.

- [sighs] - My name's Hal.

Well, hi, Hal.

I'm Barbra Jean.

You sound cute.

Really?

- Totally. - Oh.

I'll talk to you.

I'm not a dentist.

Oh.

So tell me about yourself.

Um...

Well, I was born in a tiny town called Friendly, Texas.

My daddy always said, "That's probably why you're so friendly."

Course, then my sister, Lori Ann, would always say,

"Well, then she should've been born in Annoying, Texas!"

Then I just told her, "Well, I guess that means

you were born in Butt Ugly, Texas!"

[laughs]

I didn't really say that, I just thought of that now.

[chuckles] You're funny.

Oh, I think so. [chuckles]

- [on TV] ...slightly warmer temperatures. - Hey, honey.

Hey, Mom. Did you find a house today?

No, why are you asking me that?

Because this morning, you said,

[imitating accent] "Today's the day I'm gonna find a house."

Well, I lied.

Just like I've lied for the last seven days.

Your mama's nothin' but a big ol' red-headed liar.

Well, howdy, partner.

Your week is up. What do you got for me?

Okay.

First of all, I want you to know that I put a lot of effort into this.

I looked at 50 houses, ran comps on all of 'em.

Talked to the neighbors, saw their dogs and their cats.

- You got nothin' right? - Zilch.

You're tellin' me, out of 50 houses, you couldn't make money on any of 'em?

- Nah. Not many. - How many?

Mmm, I don't know.

Thirty?

I'm sorry, Van, you're right. I got no stones.

Stones?

Stones. Kahunas. Brass things.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Why do I always look at the glass as half-empty?

Well, I don't know if it's too late to call the caterer

and cancel your pity party, Mrs. H.

But your stoneless condition has not stopped us.

What are you talkin' about?

I bought a house!

You bought a house without me?

Well, gee, why is that?

I had to move fast.

There were 15 other offers on it,

and I was the only one willing to take it as is.

[gasps]

You bought a house as is?

No!

We bought a house as is!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go dig through the garbage for something to eat.

Brass ones.

Ooh.

Looks good.

[groans]

Well, this little experiment is over.

Van, how could you use our money

and buy a house that hasn't been inspected?

Because the monkey doesn't get the cheese

unless he swings from the tree.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, "You snooze, you lose."

"No risk, no reward."

"You take a chance, you get to dance."

I got a bunch of these.

Van.

Nobody buys a house without it being inspected.

There's so many things that could go wrong.

I mean, did you look at the plumbing?

Look for termites?

Inspect the foundation?

It's a little hard to check the foundation, Mrs. H.

There's a house on top of it.

Look, tomorrow we'll go check it out.

We'll have it inspected.

Maybe it'll be in great shape.

And what if it's not?

Well, that's unfortunate 'cause we own it.

[Hal] How's everything with you?

Did you ever find your garlic press?

It was in with the spatulas.

- Told you. - I know, you did.

- [laughs] - You did.

- It's like you know me. - Hey.

Gosh. Oh...

Why are you sittin' out in the car again, Barbra Jean?

- Me? - Yeah.

I was, uh...

I was listenin' to the traffic report.

Oh, how come? You goin' somewhere?

No. Yeah.

Well, I was planning to,

but the traffic is terrible.

There was this horrible accident on Fair Oaks Avenue.

- Oh, that's awful. - Yeah.

Why were you laughing?

Because it was a funny accident.

- [laughs] - [chuckles]

I see.

Yeah, well, if the comedy show's over, why don't you come inside?

I... I made us dinner.

What?

You made me dinner?

Well, it's nothing fancy.

It's just spaghetti and meatballs for us,

a little noodle-roni for Henry.

Yeah, I thought maybe we could hang out and talk.

You know, like you wanted.

Barbra Jean, honey?

Honey, what's the matter?

Nothing, I was just...

I was just thinking about all those poor people in that hilarious accident.

Hal?

[Hal] Well, finally. What happened before?

Shh.

Don't speak, Hal. Just listen.

[sighs] I don't feel right about this.

I mean, I know we've only talked a few times by satellite, but I'm married.

And I feel like I should be sharing with my husband.

This isn't right. I'm gonna have to call it off.

Call it off?

You're going to throw everything away?

Everything we shared?

The shortcut to the dry cleaner's?

The time you locked yourself in the trunk?

Yes.

Those were good times.

But I want my good times to be with Brock.

He doesn't deserve this.

He's a good husband and a good father to my child.

And when I'm with him,

I never need directions to love.

He has the road map...

to my heart.

[sobbing]

Oh, my Lord, are you crying?

Don't cry, Hal.

[Hal] I'm not crying.

Oh, Barbra Jean.

What are you doin' in the back seat?

[Hal] Are you okay?

Do I need to call the police?

I'm fine, Hal. It's Brock.

Were you spying on me?

Well, I knew somethin' was goin' on.

You spent less time in my car when we were sneakin' around on Reba.

Nothing happened.

I know it didn't...

yet.

Barbra Jean...

I love you.

And if it takes a man from...

outer space to make me realize

that I haven't been paying enough attention to you,

then so be it.

Aww.

Honey, let's go inside.

I'll be right there.

Okay, listen up, Hal.

You keep your ears off my wife, or else.

[Hal] Or else what?

[chuckles]

Very funny.

Open the car door, Hal.

[Hal] I can't do that, Dave.

It's Brock.

Open the door!

[Hal] So, tell me, Dave.

Do you get along with your neighbors?

[horn blaring]

[horn continues blaring]

Why is this inspection taking so long?

The guy probably got attacked by toxic mold

that he found under the cracked foundation

that covers the portal to hell.

Way to be positive, Ma.

Really. And even if he did find a portal to hell...

you have to admit, that'd be pretty cool.

I don't know what it is, but I can't shake the feeling that

this could be a huge disaster.

You say that about everything.

Remember when I got pregnant at 17?

You totally freaked.

Guys! This is very serious.

We could be on the verge of takin' a huge financial loss on this house.

Or we could be on the verge of makin' a bunch of money.

Why are you only lookin' at what could go wrong?

Yeah, this could be our lucky day.

[scoffs] Yeah, right.

- [sighs] - There you go again.

Mrs. H, why is it such an impossibility?

Because luck doesn't happen to everybody.

It just happens to the...

lucky people.

Well, maybe you're a lucky person.

Yeah, obviously.

Yes, it is obvious.

It's obvious to us

that you're the luckiest person in the world.

You're like a four-leaf clover with red hair.

How can you say that?

Because every time something bad has happened to me,

my parents kicking me out of the house,

me getting injured in Denver,

my wife hitting the sauce...

When I get around you, things get better.

"Hittin' the sauce?"

You know what I mean.

Mrs. H, I hate that you feel like, like you're jinxed or something.

Technically, what I was doing was self-medicating, Van.

Well, honey, either way, it's glug, glug, glug.

Mrs. H, I wanna be in business with you because you are lucky.

You're blessed.

Not to get too flowery,

but sunshine comes out of your butt.

I can't help it if I don't feel lucky.

Exactly.

Just like how someone with a drinking problem can't help--

Cheyenne, would you be a little lamb and go out to the car

- and get my briefcase? - All right.

- Thank you, sweetie. - Mmm-hmm.

Till death do us part, huh?

All right.

- You wanna know how to feel lucky? - Yeah.

Here it is.

You just feel lucky.

- That's it? - That's it.

I don't know if I can do that, Van.

But if you don't think you can do that, or if you don't want to do that,

then you can get out of this deal before we hear the inspector's report.

- Okay. All done. - Wait, don't say anything yet.

Mrs. H, if you're out, you're out.

But if you're in, you have to believe in yourself.

Can you do that?

Can you believe that you're lucky?

Come on! Give me a little "buttshine"!

[laughs] Okay, I'm in!

All right, yes! So, what's the verdict?

The house is a dump.

Van!

I'm just kidding! [laughs]

Nobody ever likes that joke.

The house is great. You're good to go.

- Thank you. - Van, did you hear that?

The house is great! We're good to go!

How about those brass things, huh?

[chuckles]

Pretty smart to have this done twice, Van.

"Twice?" What do you mean, "twice"?

I inspected the house last week before Van bought it.

It's very smart.

You don't wanna leave it up to luck, right?

[chuckles] No.

You already had the house inspected?

Oh, yeah, Mrs. H, I'm not an idiot.

Well, what about that whole lucky thing?

This doesn't prove that I'm lucky.

Sure it does.

You didn't know the house was fine when you stayed in.

That makes you lucky.

You mean you set this whole thing up just to...

force me to believe in myself?

Yes. Because I believe in you.

[chuckles]

You are one sweet kid, Van.

Ah. Like a big cube of sugar.

[laughs]

So I guess you kinda played me, didn't you?

Oh. [chuckles]

Like a fiddle.

[laughs]

- Well, let me ask you somethin', Van. - Huh?

You feel lucky right now?

Well, maybe not so much.

Oh!

[female voice] Econostar. Can I help you?

Hello?

Who is this?

I'm Chrissie.

[sighs] Chrissie.

Thank God. I've been locked in my car for hours.

Can you get me out?

Sure.

Just one question.

Are you the guy that gave Hal a hard time?

No.

Liar!

[horn blaring]

[inaudible]

[horn continues blaring]

[closing theme music playing]

Acme! [coughing]