Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

MAURICE: You are smart, Larry...

... really, really smart.

Aw, gee...

You have to do it. You have to teach me...

... and make me smart like you.

How coincidental.

This episode of Freaky Stories is all about school.

[CHUCKLES]

You'll NEVER be as smart as me!

Teach me. Teach me whatever you can.

I'll learn. You'll see. I'm a sponge.

You're a maggot.

Same thing. See?

[FART]

Come on... you be the teacher.

I'm your student.

Well alright. Why not?

Let's start by taking attendance.

Maurice.

Maurice.

Why don't you answer to your name?

If I don't answer, you keep saying it.

And I like the way it sounds.

Anyway, I prefer to be called by my middle name.

Moron!

Present.

This is not going to be easy.

Here's our first Freaky Story.

It's about someone else who's not too bright.

8-YEAR OLD GIRL: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Stephanie's class was on a field trip

to the farmland outside of town.

They were going to visit the grape juice factory.

She was very happy.

Grape juice was Stephanie's favourite drink of all!

She drank it every day.

With her breakfast, lunch and supper.

And now she was going to visit the factory!

She wore her favourite purple dress for the occasion.

The school bus pulled up to the door of the building

and the kids piled out.

Stephanie was so excited,

she thought that she was going to burst!

A nice man from the factory gave each kid

a safety helmet and plastic safety goggles to wear.

Then the tour began!

They watched the trucks bring the grapes in from the farm.

The grapes were dumped into a big bin

where sprayers sprayed water all over them

to wash them off.

Then they went up-up-up on a conveyor belt

to the mixer where they got all squished up.

The grapes... Not the kids.

Stephanie was a bit disappointed by this.

She'd sort of imagined that there'd be

people squishing the grapes with their feet.

Just like she'd seen on TV.

But there was only a machine at the factory.

It looked sort of like a giant kitchen mixer.

It sure smelled good, though.

Stephanie took a biiiiiiiig sniff.

She loved the smell of grape juice.

Then they moved on to the filter room.

The man from the factory explained that

this was the place where the grape skin, seeds

and stems are removed.

The grape juice splashed happily along through glass tubes,

through the filter and on to the next stop...

The cooking vat.

The nice man from the factory led the kids

up a steep ladder to the top of the cooking vat.

The vat was as big as a house.

The kids walked along a creaky metal catwalk

high above the bubbling juice.

Stephanie stopped in the middle of the catwalk

and let the other kids continue on with the tour.

Her class climbed down the ladder on the other side

of the catwalk and went into the packaging room.

And then she was alone.

She'd catch up to them in a 'sec'.

She just wanted to savour the moment.

It smelled so grape -- I mean great!

Purple clouds of grapey steam wafted up

past Stephanie's nose.

She shut her eyes so she'd remember

this wonderful smell forever.

"This must be what heaven smells like", she thought.

Then she heard a noise.

She'd thought she was alone...

But then Billy -

the mean boy in her class crept back up the ladder.

Stephanie hated Billy!

He stood at the far end of the catwalk, looking down

into the bubbling vat.

Then he took a deep breath and shut his eyes.

"Maybe he likes grapejuice too", thought Stephanie.

Maybe she'd misjudged him.

Then Billy opened his eyes and looked around.

He didn't see her in the darkness of the factory.

"What could he be doing?" she wondered.

Billy made a noise - like he was clearing his throat.

"No. " thought Stephanie.

He wouldn't... he couldn't!

He did...

Billy hoarked a huge green 'loogie' right into the vat.

Then he laughed and scampered down the ladder

before he got caught.

Stephanie looked down and,

as the 'greener' dissolved into her grapejuice,

a single tear rolled down her cheek.

Hey it's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Stephanie? She got over it.

And ya know? From that day on, she's never-ever touched

another glass of grapejuice again in her life.

Now, let's see... what'll we teach you first.

How about... how to spell.

I already know that.

Oh?

Sure. This spell is to turn you into a frog.

Hugga-mugga-mugga-hugga --

Ptew! Ptew! Ptew!

Don't spit on me!

If you're going to be a frog, you'll need moisture.

Do I look like a frog?

Hmm...

While the embers of his feeble brain rapidly turn to ashes,

here's a story... about a story.

Hmm...

PROFESSOR: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

an English professor, who's heart was in the right place.

He watched one student, Dave, practically salivate

over this girl, Zoe, who sat in front of him.

And Zoe, the professor thought,

was kind of sweet on Dave.

Well, it was Spring, and the professor was feeling romantic.

He teamed up Dave and Zoe to write a tandem story.

One would start writing and stop when the egg timer ran out,

then the other would pick up where the first left off,

until time is up.

Okay? Computer fired up?

Time!

Dave went first. He figured the way to Zoe's heart

was the way to any girl's heart... ROMANCE.

So he started to write.

"Carrie was confused.

Was it eyes open and mouth closed,

or mouth open and eyes closed?

It was the most romantic moment of her young life,

her first meaningful kiss and

she didn't want to get it wrong ..."

TIME!

Now, Zoe figured Dave is a guy.

So to impress him, she'll go with the kind of story

all guys like, scarry and gory.

"...so he ripped off his enemy's arm.

The blood dripped on Lazlo's shoe.

But so what? He'd lick it off later.

Right now, he was interested in the flesh he was holding

in his hand..."

TIME!

...This is what she had been waiting for.

Being there, alone on the dock with her Dan.

He smiled at her and looked up into the glittering sky.

There must have been a million stars.

And when a shooting star streaked across the diamonds

over their heads, he thought..."

TIME!

"... he was hungry for a snack before he delivered

the brain to the evil doctor.

He nibbled on a finger, spitting out the cheap brass ring.

Then Lazlo looked down into the grave

and an arm reached out..."

TIME!

"... and tenderly wrapped around Carrie's soft shoulder.

Her heart pounded. He wants me to be his girlfriend.

And when he said he never felt this way before,

Carrie melted into his arms... "

TIME!

"...and smothered the life out of the body.

At first the eyes bulged wildly.

But as the last breath left the corpes and

the last drop of blood ran out,

the whole body drew rigid.

At that moment, Lazlo knew he would need fresh

human organs to regenerate his monster... "

TIME!

And make her the happiest girl in the world.

Oh Carrie's heart raced with excitement.

The thought of being with this man who she loved so dearly

was exhilarating.

Her eyes sparkled her face blushed.

TIME!

The professor glanced over their shoulders.

Were they out of their minds?

He had to call time and stop them.

But at that very moment,

the Dean summoned him to his office.

So Zoe went on,

"...with the infusion of the synthetic serum,

the monster's grotesque body twitched.

It's green eyes oozed the excess fluid.

It's mouth foamed as it rose on it's haunches.

All six hairy legs... .

[BELL RINGS]

"... He loved every fiber of Carrie's being.

And right there, under the stars, he kissed her and

promised to be with her forever. Nothing, he said... "

[BELL RINGS]

"... would ever force the monster to turn on him.

But it did. In one swift move, the jaws of the beast

severed Lazlo's head. "

Dave looked up from the computer and shouted

"You're sick, Zoe! Sick! Your mind is warped!"

"Your sappy story could make a sugar plum fairy hurl!"

"You have a twisted mind!"

"You're swimming in honey and maple syrup!"

"You're brain is a mangled mess!"

"You should write with a pink feather quill!"

"Will you go out with me?"

"I'd love to. "

And they leaped into each others' arms.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

An english professor who gave up his teaching job

to run a very profitable dating service.

Okay, let's try a different subject...

How about Math?

First thing... count.

[DRACULA VOICE] How do you do. Take off your scarf, my dear.

What a lovely neck you have.

Blah! Blah! Blah!

Not that kind of count! Count! Count!

One-two-three-four.

Who the heck are we rooting for.

Five-six-seven-eight.

What the heck comes after eight?

That's it. School's over. Get outta here.

But I didn't learn anything.

I did. I learned you can't teach anyone whose got

no brains at all.

If you can't teach me, it's you who is the failure.

Wait a minute...

See? You're all talk. Big mouth.

Lotta noise. Yadda-yadda-yadda...

Hey. I can teach you. I will teach you.

Oh! I hate maggots. [SIGHS]

NERD: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

His name's Norman, but he called himself Slick,

but he wasn't really.

You see, Slick was the wussiest wuss in

the freshman class at Hardy U.

But almost from birth, Slick was brainwashed with

Spring Break movies, having watched Animal House

seventy-two times.

So when Slick graduated from high school,

Party Hardy was all he wanted.

He joined the fraternity with the wildest rep,

BGX, Beta Gemme Chix.

He even thought the pledge hazing was cool,

the highlight of which was the panty raid.

Slick and three other dweeb pledges got decked out

in commando gear and set out for the sorority house,

with the hottest babes.

The four salivating imcompetents scaled the

ivy covered walls and there was a gaggle of sisters

in one room, doing toe nails and hair do's.

The pledges gaped through the window.

Wow! Girls in pajamas!

Slick spotted an empty room.

The window wasn't locked.

Slick slipped in and headed for the dresser.

But then he heard,

"Gotta get some sleep before that Psych quiz. "

And Slick dove under the bed, just as

Jodi came into her room.

Slick didn't move.

He'd have to wait till Jodi fell asleep

before he could grab a pair of panties.

But it would take an awful lot of patience because

Jodi was a super A-plus student.

And even though she had the psych book memorized,

she decided to pull an all-nighter.

Jodi stayed awake and studied.

Slick stayed under the bed and was dying.

It must have been the corn dogs he ate.

Or the tortilla chips. Or the Super Salty pretzels.

Whatever, it was making Slick pretty thirsty.

But Jodi would have to get up sometime to go

to the bathroom.

Gorgeous as she was, she was still human.

Oh yeah?

By 4 A. M. , Slick thought the inside of his mouth

was lined with sandpaper.

He had totally run out of spit. He needed water.

He'd have to roll out and surrender.

His dream lost for the need of a bit of water. How tragic.

Fortunately, Slick was not as nerdy as he looked.

Nobody could be that nerdy.

Slick remembered, when he was peeping into Jodi's room,

there was a glass of water on her night table.

While she was absorbed in her books, ever so slowly

Slick's hand slid up the side of Jodi's bed.

Jodi reached for a pencil, almost, touching Slick's hand.

The pencil rolled off the table.

And when Jodi reached down, Slick put the pencil

into her hand.

Jodi was so into studying, she never noticed.

So Slick, made another try for the water.

And he got it.

Slow and easy, he took the glass down

and had himself one big gulp.

It's times like this that one tells God he will never

participate in a panty raid...

unless, of course, he gets away with this one.

By morning, Slick was still under the bed

and Jodi was still memorizing every word of

every psych book ever written.

Finally, Jodi packed it in.

She swung her feet over the side of the bed

and she screamed.

The other girls rushed in.

"MY contacts!" Jodi said.

"I put them in this glass of cleansing fluid

on the night table... and they're gone!"

This is a true story.

Happened to a friend of a friend of mine. Norman.

And since that all-nighter, he can really watch his diet.

Since his stomach is now wearing contacts.

The subject is Geography.

Geo... what?

Do you know what this is?

Uh-Huh.

Okay... what is it?

Uh... . I don't know.

IT'S A GLOBE!!! A map of the world!

The Earth! The planet we live on!

How come I don't fall off?

Because you wallow in disgusting,

gooey, sticky stuff.

Lucky me, huh?

Do you know anything about geography?

Uh-huh.

Okay, where is... oh, let's see --

New York City?

In the Northeast United States, one hundred and eighty

miles southwest of Bridgeport Connecticut,

twenty six miles east of Newark, New Jersey,

latitude 41 degrees north, longitude 72 degrees...

WHAT???

It just came out.

Prince Albert in...

Saskatchewan. North northeast of Saskatoon,

On Qu'appelle River, south of Waskesiu Lake.

Maurice, you are a geography savant!

What did you call me?

Savant! A geography savant.

It means you know everything there is to know

about geography, but about everything else,

you're a complete, brainless idiot.

Yup, that's me. [LAUGHS]

KID: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Wayne had a problem. He was flunking biology.

And he really needed this credit to graduate.

It was frog dissection day' -

the one 'science' thing that he was good at...

Everything was going real good until near the end of class

when Wayne took the frog that he was dissecting

and stuck it on his thumb like a puppet.

Then he turned to Henrietta, the girl at

the next lab station.

He didn't really like her

but he was crazy about Maryanne, her lab partner.

Maryanne was on the Swim Team and she was very pretty.

He tapped Henrietta's shoulder.

When she turned around, he stuck his frog-thumb-puppet

right into her face.

She screamed so loud that her retainer flew

out of her mouth and right into the hole

in the frog that she and Maryanne were dissecting.

Henrietta kept screaming.

Everyone was looking at them.

This wasn't working out so well.

The teacher made him stay after class and clean up.

He had to scrape each of the carved up frogs

out of the dissecting trays and into a rusty old bucket.

Guts and all.

Then he had to take the bucket to the Custodian's Office

and dump it into a big bin.

So, he was in the hall near the Custodian's Office

when he saw this big metal bin sitting on

a trolley cart in the hallway.

Wayne figured that this must be the place where he was

supposed to dump the frog guts.

He lifted the lid and poured the stuff into the bin.

Then he went to his next class.

A couple of hours later the bell rung.

It was lunch time.

Which was a good thing because Wayne was hungry.

He went to the cafeteria wondering what

the special of the day would be.

It was a choice between the french fries with gravy

and the meatloaf and mashed potatoes with gravy.

Very popular item - gravy.

But when he got to the "caf", something was going on.

The Swim Team was having a fund-raiser to raise money

so they could go to the regional finals.

A chili-sale. Cool. Wayne liked chili.

It came with nachos.

Maryanne, from Wayne's Biology class

was scooping the chili into bowls

and handing it out to people.

She waved him up to the front of the line.

"Hi. " said Maryanne. Wayne said, "Hi. " back.

She asked him if he wanted some chili.

He said "sure".

She scooped an extra-big gob of chili into his bowl

and handed it to him.

"That was really funny, what you did in class today... "

said Maryanne.

She gave him some nachos, too.

"Yeah. " said Wayne. He was getting the feeling

that maybe she kinda liked him.

She asked if she could eat with him and he said "sure".

That's when Wayne realized that something was kinda familiar...

He said, "I'll be right back... "

He ran to the Custodian's Office as fast as he could,

but the big metal bin and trolley were gone.

He went back to the cafeteria where Maryanne was waiting.

But, she hadn't waited for him.

She was just about finished eating her bowl of chili.

Wayne sat down and he made his most serious face.

Maryanne was smiling at him. Wayne had a problem.

He could fess up and admit that he'd dumped

a big rusty bucket full of frog guts into

the Swim-Team's fund-raising chili and Maryanne

would hate him forever.

And he'd get kicked out of school and not graduate.

And the Swim Team would pound the living snot out of him...

Or...

He could keep his mouth shut.

No one would know the difference.

And everything would be fine.

So Maryanne said, "Try the chili. It's really good. "

And she smiled at him...

Hey. It's a true story. It happened to

a friend of a friend of mine...

And Wayne? He's no fool. He ate the chili.

And ya know what? It wasn't bad.

Kinda tasted like chicken.

I can't go on. My head's tired and my belly's empty.

Listen.

[BELLY GROWLS]

The customer on Table Four stepped on a glob of waffle.

And who can resist squooshed waffle.

Hey. Table Four's in the west side of the diner.

I know east from west. I'm a geography genius, right?

But that way's west, and that... way's the...

MAURICE: Aaaaarrggghhh!!!

[LOUD THUD]

... edge of the counter.

Maurice? Maurice? Where are you?

I'm down under.

Aw... he's still playing the geography game.

Hey Maurice, could you be in... Australia?

MAURICE: I'm in Heaven.

How can you be in Heaven if you're down under?

[LAUGHS]

I'm down under week old chicken gizzards.

Mmmmmmm... Heaven.

You gotta love the slob.