Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

JOE: Great pie, Rosie.

I mean, really really great pie.

What, did you bring it in here from another diner?

Have a nice day, Rosie.

ROSIE: Yeah... and don't take any wooden nickels.

[MAURICE LAUGHS]

What?

Who'd be dumb enough to take wooden nickels?

Oh, people get fooled all the time.

Well I'm just glad I'm not people.

Right. Like you can't get fooled.

Nobody can fool me.

Oh yeah! Anybody can fool you.

Oh, yeah? Go ahead, try.

[LARRY LAUGHS]

Shh! Don't tell anybody how dumb he is.

Don't you tell anybody any...

Need I say more?

I wasn't ready.

You weren't ready NOT to be fooled.

That's right.

[LARRY LAUGHS]

Well now I'm ready.

Watch out! Incoming!

Ha! Can't fool me twice.

Ah-- [SPLAT!]

Maurice, Maurice!!

Anybody want a flat maggot?

Nah, I don't blame you.

Okay. Let's get this show on the road.

Here's our first Freaky Story.

OLLIE'S BUD: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine. Ollie.

He was the kind of guy who knew exactly which wine

to order with chopped liver, or how long your tie should be

so it didn't get caught in your fly.

Oh, the girls were pretty sweet on Ollie.

Heads turned whenever he came down the street.

Now it just so happened that Ollie was between adventures,

female that is, when Imelda strolled by.

Now, by all accounts, Imelda was one of the

classiest dishes in town.

You might say she was the mayonnaise in the

tuna sandwich of life.

Ollie, jumped in front of Imelda.

And he said, "Dinner. Tonight.

La Frite Francaise. Eight o'clock".

Imelda paused and then she smiled that smile she had.

And down the street she strolled,

not looking back even once.

Ollie wanted everything to go right with the evening,

so he figured to show up early at La Frite Francaise,

the fanciest restaurant in town.

Ollie demanded the best table in the house,

and fresh flowers, and a tablecloth.

And, are you ready for this, clean cutlery.

Ollie was starting to get up the nose

of the Maitre d' -- Max.

Y'see, Max was also the owner, chef,

and dishwasher at Le Frite Francais,

and nobody ever went to bed hungry being nice to Max.

But Ollie didn't know that.

Ollie told him that tonight was a very special night

for him and a very special lady, and that tonight,

business as usual just wasn't going to be good enough.

Max was just going to have to do a little bit better.

Max thought for a moment, and then very calmly,

very serenely, very graciously

told Ollie that he was a fool

for not realizing Ollie was a man of the world.

A man for whom the best is just regular fare.

If Ollie would allow him, he'd prepare something special

to delight and amaze Ollie and his lady fair.

Max whisked off the old table cloth, applied a fresh one,

lit the candle stuck in the wine bottle,

and produced a basket of breadsticks.

Ollie smiled appreciatively as Max dashed into the kitchen.

Just then, Imelda entered.

She was a vision in parachute silk!

Imelda looked around and recognized Ollie instantly,

the bread sticks stuffed up his nose were a dead giveaway.

She laughed at his little joke,

hoping those weren't the only bread sticks at the table.

Meanwhile, Max was busy dumping old dish water,

the grotty stuff from the sink drain,

and some coffee grounds into his special soup.

Yes, Max had something very special planned for

his surly customer and his important date.

Then he snorted, and hacked and horked up just the thing.

He gobbed it right into the centre of the soup.

A loogie the size of a matzouhball

bobbed in the bowl.

He took a twist of parsely for garnish,

and called for a waiter.

Gleefully, he peered through the door of the kitchen

watching as Ollie, and his young date enjoyed the first course.

When he saw Ollie look up and wave to him,

Max couldn't resist going over

to enjoy the moment more completely.

But if you thought Max was stunned when Ollie told him

it was the best soup he'd ever tasted,

you should have seen his face when Imelda looked up

from her bowl and said,

"Daddy, this soup is delicious!"

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Ollie and his father in law, Max,

the ones who run that very successful restaurant,

"It's Snot Just Soup. "

Whoa! After that, you know who can't be far behind.

Oh Larry, you've got to try to fool me...

Just excuse me. This'll take a second.

Okay Maurice, uh...

See if you can guess the number I'm thinking of.

Okay good one. Good one. Um,

wait a minute you can 't fool me.

There are a lot of numbers.

Oh gee. Tell you what.

I'll think of a number between one and ten.

Think.

I am thinking.

Not everyone has to close their eyes to think.

Really?

I thought of a number. Go on.

Uhhh--

Wrong.

Oh...

[LARRY LAUGHS]

Here's another even freakier story...

and that's the truth.

- Nine! - Wrong.

- Six! - Wrong.

- Four! - Wrong...

AIRPORT PAL: This is a true story,

it happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Oscar, a baggage handler who didn't have many friends.

Not just because nobody likes the way

the baggage handlers handle baggage.

But also, when something went wrong, Oscar

would become a basket case.

But the story actually started with Emily,

this nice lady who had a St. Bernard named Mozart,

a very appropriate name since both the dog and the composer

were dead.

It was a sad day when Mozart passed on to

the big fire hydrant in the sky.

Emily decided to bury Mozart

in the old family plot back home,

way across the country.

So she put him in an airline doggie shipping container,

sent it off with the baggage

and she boarded the plane.

Now, Oscar was doing what he always did,

which was tossing luggage around.

But when the doggie container containing

one dead St. Bernard came down the conveyor belt,

Oscar didn't toss quite far enough.

The container fell short, crashing to the floor.

Oscar panicked.

The other baggage handlers huddled around the container,

thinking that Oscar had killed the dog.

So the baggage handlers made up some fake problem to

delay the plane from taking off

to give Oscar time to replace the dead dog.

But where do you get a St. Bernard?

Oscar unhooked the car from the front of the baggage tram,

raced into town and desperately searched for

a live St. Bernard.

Oscar ran up one street and down another --

a poodle here, a terrier there,

cocker spaniels everywhere.

But not a St. Bernard in sight.

Oscar tried the city pound, opening pens,

desperately looking for a St. Bernard.

Oscar was totally out of control.

He tried to put a leash on a sheep,

but it still looked like a sheep.

Oscar was exhausted. Out of ideas.

And out of luck.

But then, he spotted the little boy standing

in a driveway, crying and holding onto a St. Bernard.

It seems the boy's family was moving and he couldn't

take the big old dog with him.

A St. Bernard who looked just like

the one Oscar had killed... almost.

The dog in the container had a black spot on his nose,

the boy's dog didn't.

But Oscar took the dog anyway.

He picked up a black magic marker on the way

to the airport and made the St. Bernard look

just like Mozart...

the dog, that is.

And off flew, Mozart the Second,

on the way to his new owner.

The St. Bernard was sure going to be surprised.

So would his new owner.

Picture this. There was Emily, with her sweet mom and dad.

They were pretty sad, prepared to plant old, dead Mozart.

Then here came the doggie container.

It was moving. Something inside was shuffling around.

Emily opened the container and out leaped...

Mozart???

Emily fainted dead away.

Mom and dad thought their daughter had gone bonkers,

imagining poor Mozart was dead.

And when Emily came to, she convinced herself Mozart dying

was all a bad dream.

What else could it have been?

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Emily is happy her Mozart is alive and looking

better than ever, especially since his bath when

the black mark on his nose disappeared.

Hi, Slick, how're you doin'?

Rosie, you look gorgeous today.

Atta boy, Slick. You are my idol.

ROSIE: Oh, Slick, honey,

I sure wish I could believe anything you say.

I just figured out that you tricked me.

Well, that was the whole point.

Okay, this time, I'll think of a number

and you have to guess it.

-Okay, got it. -Four!

[MAURICE GASPS]

That's amazing!!

Later!

How does he do it?

SLICK: Yeah, I been runnin' the shell game down on Maple Street.

You know, the mark has to guess which shell the pea,

or whatever, is under, only there are peas under

all the shells, so when the guy says it's under one,

I show him it's under another.

MAURICE: Heh-heh-heh...

Hey Maurice. What's going on?

Oh, I'm just surprised you didn't try something like...

oh, I don't know... the shell game,on me ... you know ...

to fool me.

You won't give up, will you?

Afraid you can't fool me?

Okay. You want the shell game?

I'll give you the shell game.

Be right back, after this story.

He wants the shell game... Hahaha

PRISONER VINNIE: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

a guy named Frank.

Now, Frank ain't whatcha call a rocket scientist.

You could say, he was a couple of clowns short of a circus.

So one day, Frank's wife had an urge for a navel orange.

She was pregnant again and had all kinds of urges.

She asked him to go to the store

and get her an orange and some other stuff.

Okay, so there's Frank, standin' in the cereal aisle

of the store reading labels on boxes.

Frank's wife told him to make sure he checked the

salt content of every cereal 'cause if there was

too much salt she'd retain water.

Frank didn't know exactly what that meant,

but it sounded ugly.

He was concentrating so hard that he almost

didn't see the little old lady next to him.

"Would you be a dear and read this for me, sonny? "

she asked. "My eyes aren't what they used to be.

"So Frank read the label for her. "You're such a nice boy."

She told him. Then she stared at him at him and said,

"Thank you for your help," and was gone.

A few minutes later Frank was in the produce section

looking for a good melon.

Frank was knocking on this cantaloup

to test for freshness.

"Excuse me. "

He couldn't believe it! The melon was talking to him.

He was so shocked he dropped it on the floor. SPLAT!

Frank was really embarrassed

and he turned around to see if anyone was looking.

And there was that old lady again.

"I'm sorry if I startled you," she said.

"Oh, it was you!" Frank was relieved

he wasn't hearing melons.

The old lady was just staring at Frank.

"Do I have something on my face or something? "

"No, no, no,... it's just...

Never mind, sorry I bothered you. "

she said, and quickly wheeled her cart away.

Next aisle over, Frank was trying to choose toilet paper.

Two ply? Or not two ply?

He was really getting confused when, there she was...

Staring at him.

Frank was really getting the creeps, so he quickly

steered his shopping cart around a display of pretzels,

and made for the frozen food section.

He figured he'd be safe 'cause it was way too cold

for her old bones,

but there she was again! Giving him that stare!

Frank pulled his cart into the check out line,

but the old lady got there first...

"Pardon my staring... " the old lady said.

"You staring? I didn't notice."

Franky was trying to be cool. But then she started crying.

"You look exactly like my long lost son.

"Phew. She was just a sad old lady.

"It's okay, lady. I understand.

"She kept on crying, and crying.

"You look exactly like him!"

"Would you mind doing a poor old lady a favour? "

"Anything!" Frank said.

This was really embarassing.

She asked Frank if he'd say "Good bye, Mom," to her

as she left the store.

"It would make me feel so much better," she said.

Frank felt so sorry for the old lady.

So he yelled out, "Good bye, Ma!See ya later!"

The "see-ya later" was his own idea.

The cashier finished totaling Frank's bill.

"That'll be two hundred ten dollars and sixty-five cents."

Frank said there must be some mistake.

The only thing in his cart was a box of cereal and

an orange with a funny dent in it.

"Your mother said you'd be paying for hers, too. "

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Frank's wife doesn't send him out food shopping anymore.

They can't afford it.

Okay, Maurice, you got the shell game.

Well this looks like it's going to be easy to fool me.

[THEY BOTH SNICKER]

Okay, now look at this I cover the grain of rice.

See that there, with the shell.

Okay, watch closely.

Wait, wait. I'll be right back.

Huh?

Reading glasses!

Okay, watch closely.

[SHELLS SIFTING AROUND]

Okay Maurice, where's the rice grain?

Um, let me think -- the middle one.

The middle one. Are you sure?

It's under the middle one.

Alright, here we go.

But... Slick... said --

Show me the other shells.

What?

I want to look under the other two shells.

Are you sure?

Let me see!

There. There.

But, but, there's supposed to be a rice grain

under all the shells. Slick said so.

Which is why the moral of the story is,

never believe a guy named Slick.

Alright. Fine ha, ha you fooled me,

You fooled me this time.

But I'm going to get you next time because a cockroach

ain't been born that canout wit this maggot.

There's one born every minute.

Hey you know what, let's have another story.

CLUB KID ARMANDO: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Jaxx loved the party scene. He was a club kid.

Boy, that guy could party. He was a legend.

He had a day job during the week - bicycle courier.

I guess he had to pay for the partying somehow.

There was an added benefit, though.

With all that biking, he was in great shape.

And I'll tell ya,

the guy was always checking his look in the mirror.

Genetically Bio-sculpted.

Ya know? Never a hair out of place.

And know what? It paid off big time...

the girls were all over him.

He'd left a string of broken hearted secretaries across

the entire East side.

Use 'em and lose em. That was his motto.

Which I guess, brings us to our story...

Jaxx caught wind of the non-stop party

up on the colony. New Macao.

Word had it that 'Macao was the place to be.

So he buzzed Willie and The Troll and they hopped

the big bird to 'Party-Central'!

Jaxx & Co. hit the club district like a house on fire.

They were hot and they knew it.

People were calling to them from the doorways.

Y'know? Like "Hey youse guys! C'mon in!"

The big debate was,

which club would they honour with their presence?

And so that's when Jaxx saw her --

she was watching a sucker's wallet being lightened

outside this little ex- patriot place.

She was a hot little blonde number.

Hmmm.

She'd do...

Jaxx slid up to her in the crowd.

"What's a nice girl like you doin' in a place like this?"

"That's original... " she said cracking a funny

crooked smile at him.

He was hooked.

"Hmmm. You'll do. C'mon... "

She danced her way past the gen-engineered

gorilla doormen - with Jaxx in hot pursuit.

He stood in the doorway of the club.

Now where'd she go?

Then he saw her in the tangled mass

of club kids and Jack-wiring -

halfway across the dance floor.

She was waiting for him.

Swaying with the crowd and smiling that smile.

He found some free earphones dangling from

the overhead array. They plugged in.

The op-soma filled his head.

He glanced back across the room.

Willie was getting chummy with a club girl and The Troll... ?

Haha... Well, The Troll was comparing her tattoos with

one of the gorillas at the door.

Then Jaxx saw that the blonde was

trying to tell him something.

He couldn't hear her over the op-soma so

he took the phones off.

She led him to a listening console and

handed him another set of phones.

Then she took a CD out of her purse and slid it

into the console tray.

"Why don't you try this? - sang it myself."

Karioke Op-soma was the big thing on New Macao.

The opera music filled his head.

She adjusted his volume control...

turned it way up... And then...

[ZZZZT!]

everything went black...

Jaxx didn't know how long he'd been out.

The pounding pain in his head woke him.

Then the door of the filthy hotel room came crashing open.

Willie and The Troll had been scouring New Macao

looking for him, for the last two days.

[SHE SCREAMS]

Her eyes rolled up in her head and she passed out.

Jaxx looked down at what she was pointing at.

[HE SCREAMS]

His body was gone!

The blonde was a body snatcher.

She'd stolen his body to sell for transplant parts

and left him a prisoner.

Alive on a portable life support unit.

Hey. It's a true story.

Happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Jaxx?

He's given up the party life...

He's taken a desk job...

Shhhhh...

Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

Later.