Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

MAURICE: Woooooooooops!!!

LARRY: Hey, Maurice, watch out!

We don't need no accidents around here, especially today.

It's National Accident Prevention Week.

Can't you read? The notice is up in the kitchen.

Hey, Hey, Hey.

I know I'm only a maggot, but in this place?

Even I try to avoid the kitchen.

I don't blame you.

Ah, look Maurice, I'm getting a little hungry here.

I'd kinda like to check those waffles out in the kitchen.

You know what I mean. I'd like you to tell the

folks back home about the first Freaky Story.

Thanks alot.

Okay. This is one of our freakier Freaky Stories...

Oh, no!!! I forgot to mention

Larry! Watch out for the butter I left on the...

Whaaaa!!! [HUGE CRASH!]

Larry? Larry? Are you okay?

Ooo-ooo-ah-ooo...look at my arm.

I think it's busted.

I'm sorry. I feel so bad. Is there

anything I can do to help?

Ahhh!! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

Roll the story. Would ya please?

GARDEN CLUB MEMBER: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Edna. From the Horticultural Society.

Yes, that Edna.

Poor Edna. All she wants to do,

more than anything in this life is to become a member

of the Horticultural Society.

Last year Edna's membership submission was,

are you sitting down?

A dandelion.

Now, it's true, eight foot dandelions are fairly rare,

but really, how would it look accepting a new member

on the basis of a large yellow weed.

Well, finally the committee had to tell her,

that unless she could find something very unique,

we wouldn't consider any further applications from her.

So Edna decided to console herself with a little

vacation, and flew off to Mexico to look at the flowers.

One day, the hotel manager told her that he knew of

a very rare specimen.

If the Senora was up for a challenge,

and didn't mind a burro ride,

he would take her to this very rare plant.

[EDNA GIGGLES WITH JOY]

Unfortunately, she danced right on the manager's

little chihuahua. Poor Edna.

Well the next day, they arrived at a dusty,

windswept plateau above the clouds.

There was nothing there except a grizzled little cactus with

tiny red speckles.

The hotel manager pointed proudly to his discovery.

Edna just stared at the cactus and was very disappointed.

But soon she thought she saw it actually moving,

and she realized she had found

something very rare.

So Edna transplanted it and took it home.

Edna lovingly tended the little cactus

and my, how it thrived!

This was a cactus that was guaranteed to make her

the talk of the Horticultural Society.

She thanked the manager profusely,

hugging him and falling to her knees,

which was where his new chihuahua puppy

had been sleeping.

Oh, well.

Back home, when the delivery van arrived why, the

cactus was four times the size from when she left Mexico.

Large, and green, and the little red speckles

were practically blinking at her.

Edna called the president of the Horticultural Society,

and insisted that the new members committee come

to her house for a big surprise.

The next morning, she awoke to find the cactus

had practically taken over the entire living room.

And underneath its prickly skin, the cactus was rippling.

Well, thought Edna,

the last laugh is on the Horticultural Society.

Because now, my magnificent cactus will

make me a member for sure.

Why, I wouldn't be surprised if they

wanted to make me president.

[CACLKLES]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

There was the entire membership committee,

dressed in hats, and pearls.

The fake politeness and insincere small talk stopped

as the ladies caught sight of the giant cactus, undulating,

the red speckles blinking madly.

They stared in stunned disbelief.

It would be impossible to keep Edna out of the

Horticultural Society now.

And Edna marched in from the kitchen with a large

tray of party sandwiches.

She placed them on a table just in front of the cactus,

and with a smug smile said,

"Ladies, is there anything you wish to say?"

The smell of food aroused the cactus.

Before any of the ladies could yell "Look out",

one of the cactus' arms reached out and grabbed Edna.

[SCREAMS OF TERROR]

And as the entire membership committee of

the Horticultural Society watched in horror,

the cactus burst wide open!

And from its innards spewed forth thousands of long,

wiggly, squirmy snakes!

All with blinking red eyes!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Poor Edna.

You know her. The crazy lady who walks up and down

the Botanical Gardens offering party sandwiches

to the rhododendrons.

You know, I feel responsible.

Well maybe that's because you are responsible.

I wish there was some way I could make it up to you?

You could get me some of that waffle.

Okay Chief!

Okay Maurice.

And not too much maple syrup!

[LAUGHS]

Ah, don't worry -- I won't be too hard on him.

[LARRY GROANS] Maurice --

Am I supposed to eat a waffle with NOTHING to drink?

Huh?

What am I, not speaking English here?

I'm in pain. I'm suffering.

Get me something to drink. Will you?

Oh, okay.

Make it a fruit juice!

MAURICE: Okay...

Not apple.

No No No...

Or orange.

Ah Okay!...

And a piece of chocolate cake for dessert.

Cake got it!

I would do the same for him, you know ...

Wouldn't I? [LAUGHS]

PSYCHOANALYST: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

A doctor, actually. A doctor with a few problems,

psychoanalytically speaking.

In layman's terms, he was a fruit cake.

This doctor, we shall call him Helmsley, was married to

a very successful lawyer, Evelyn.

Together, they made quite the cosmopolitan couple.

One night they had tickets to the opening of

a new "important" play.

But as was common with these folks,

on the night of the play, each of them was in one of

his and her whirlwinds.

Helmsley had a full slate of patients,

running from exam room to exam room,

here a prescription, there a lab test.

Evelyn dashed from court,

a joust with the press, depositions, meetings...

the usual.

They both arrived home with all the intention of

mounting themselves appropriately for the occasion.

But Helmsley's tuxedo hadn't been cleaned.

Evelyn couldn't choose a gown.

Helmsley lost his cuff links.

Evelyn despised her alligator purse.

Eventually, they did get off to the theater

and they did arrive before the curtain rose...

barely.

Evelyn showed up in the power suit she

wowed the jury in earlier.

And Helmsley wore the comfortable tweed jacket

he'd worn all day.

So there they were, in their third row center seats,

when Evelyn started wiggling around.

Helmsley made eye contact with Evelyn...

someone was emitting a horrifyingly foul odor.

And the usher was eyeing them suspiciously.

Evelyn spotted two empty seats way over at the side of

the theatre, and circumstances dictated that they move.

The star of the play was on the stage,

delivering a soliloquy about the meaning of life,

while Evelyn and Helmsley were doing that annoying

"Excuse me", "Beg your pardon" thing,

climbing over laps and coats.

The suspicious usher followed them, sniffing as they went.

Eventually, they made it to the two side seats.

They sat back and relaxed and watched the play.

The drama unfolded on stage,

but the actors were all holding hankies to their faces

and the men were covering their noses,

trying not to inhale the stench.

The ushers were pointing accusingly at the doctor

and the lawyer.

Evelyn, unaware, thought they should stop the play, find

the person who was contaminating the air and evict him.

Evelyn and Helmsley decided they had a better

chance of survival if they would simply stand in the back

of the theatre.

So they made their way out...

by then they were getting better at it and did not

squash so many toes.

Fortunately, the play was nearing the end of the act

and the entire audience assumed they could

hold their breath for a few more minutes.

But one of the ushers couldn't.

And the poor fellow fainted dead away.

The stage manager came out and apologized.

Everybody in the audience was thankful to get out of there.

There was a stampede to the door and some fresh air.

It was when Evelyn and Helmsley were going home

that the revelation occurred.

You see, the same offensive odor was

right there in the car with them.

What with all the rushing around,

Helmsley forgot he had a fecal specimen

he was supposed to drop off at the lab.

That's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

the good doctor and his wife.

Oh, they still race around like fruit cakes.

But now, since they've become my patients,

they blame it all on their early toilet training.

Oh, man, am I'm getting stiff.

MAURICE: Oh, Larry...

[GASPS & GRUNTS]

Did I just see what I thought I saw?

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER] Heh-heh... What?

Oh, nothing. I think. I'll just be running along now.

[MAURICE HUMS]

Oh, that was close.

I think I just twisted my back.

[GRUNTS & GROANS]

MAURICE: Larry...

Oh oh, I got to get back in here.

¶¶

[CHUCKLES]

Who does he think he's playing with here?

Maurice is such an amateur.

Hey, here's a Freaky Story...

A fun one. Yeah.

PJ'S PAL: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

The coolest kid in school, P.J.

The babes, went wild for him.

Basically, PJ could get any girl,

he wanted until Wendy came to the school.

Wendy wasn't like the other girls.

She was really into school.

I mean all she did was study, and spend

her free time in the library.

But she was really a babe.

Although, I'm not so sure she knew that.

Because she never seemed interested in boys.

How do I know this?

Well, the first day she came to the school,

she walked right past PJ.

And didn't even trip. Or stumble. Or drool.

PJ was stunned. But then he figured she was

probably just a robot.

She had to be some android that the principal had built

to spy on the kids.

But in the cafeteria, PJ accidentally "bumped" into her

and as they reached for the macaroni and cheese salad

at the same time, their hands touched.

And... that was it.

She took the salad plate and moved along.

PJ had lost it. The king was dead.

But he bet us that he'd be kissing her by dinnertime.

He followed her home from school that day, and sat

across the street watching as she played with

her little dog Sparky.

She was trying to train him.

Sit, Wendy would say.

And Sparky would pee.

Heel, Wendy would say,

and Sparky would pee...

on her shoe.

PJ made his move.

He strolled past Wendy's house.

As he saw the dog, he called out, "here, boy."

Sparky bounded over to PJ.

PJ told the dog to sit, and the dog sat.

Wendy's heart instantly thawed.

The babemeister was back!

She asked PJ how he did that.

And PJ told her it was easy to teach a dog tricks.

In fact, he could teach her how to get Sparky

to do just about anything.

"Even fetch?" asked Wendy.

PJ nodded.

Wendy asked if PJ would show her how.

He found a ball, and got Sparky to chase it

as far as he could throw it, and bring it back.

Soon, Sparky was running over hedges,

under fences, through the bushes.

Anywhere to get that ball.

Wendy invited PJ into the house for a drink of lemonade.

She asked him if he wanted a tour of her new place.

So, off they went, Wendy and PJ and Sparky.

Through the first floor, through the second floor,

and finally up to the attic.

As Wendy looked out the open window at her

new neighbourhood, PJ took up a position on an old couch.

And so did Sparky. Right beside him.

PJ quickly shoved Sparky off the couch,

and called Wendy over to come sit.

And she did.

And so did Sparky.

He moved Sparky off the couch, faked a yawn and

got his arm almost around Wendy's shoulder.

She told PJ that she wished she could thank him

for helping her with Sparky.

Unfortunately for PJ, Sparky heard his name,

and was right there on his lap with his wet ball.

PJ dumped Sparky off the couch.

Wendy leaned forward. And PJ leaned forward.

And he found himself sitting on Sparky's stupid wet ball.

As he went to put his arm around Wendy,

PJ took the ball and tossed it over his shoulder.

It bounced on the floor and they both looked up at

the same time as they watched Sparky leap for the ball...

just as it bounced right out the window!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Guy named PJ. Used to be really cool.

But now, all he does is wander the streets mumbling

"Here Sparky. Here Sparky."

I'm not as dumb as I look.

Actually, nobody's as dumb as I look.

Watch this.

FIRE!!! FIRE!!! FIRE!!!

What, What? Where???

Whe... Where's the fire? Where's the fire?

Well, well, well what do we have to say for yourself?

Ouch!

Ha! Well folks the next story's really freaky...

it's my favorite kind.

Maurice, you're not buying this are you?

MRS. OXENBOURG: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Uncle Dimitri had gone off many years ago

to seek his fortune in the new world.

And even though he had indeed found his fortune,

Uncle Dimitri never forgot his roots.

While he lived in the glittering cities of America,

his heart belonged to the people in

his little village of Oshek.

He was a generous man and his relatives often

received parcels containing gifts.

It was always a joyous occasion in the little

village of Oshek when a package arrived from Uncle Dimitri.

Sometimes he sent gifts. Sometimes he sent clothing.

And so one day, Mama received a parcel from Uncle Dimitri.

All the little brothers and sisters gathered 'round

as Mama carefully opened the brown wrapping paper.

She was careful in this regard because she liked

to save the paper for future use.

But while Mama' back was turned away from the table,

one of the goats from the pasture leaned in the window

and snatched the letter that Uncle Dimitri had sent

with his gift!

But at least the gift was safe on the table.

It was a jar, a big one mind you,

filled with a brown powder.

Mama unscrewed the lid.

It smelled good.

She moistened a finger, dipped it in the jar

and tasted the powder.

Mmmmm. Spicy!

Uncle Dimitri had sent the family a gift of cooking spice.

This was another fine day in the little village of Oshek.

Mama bought a chicken to cook for supper.

She first boiled the chicken to make soup.

Then she rubbed the chicken with some of the Spice from America

mixed with a little garlic,

and set it in the oven to roast.

Neighbours, even from as far away as the next village came

to marvel at Uncle Dimitri's wonderful Spice from America.

Mama's friends begged to have some of this spice

for their family dinners.

So Mama, reluctantly, began to measure it out:

One-half glass per family.

And soon the whole valley was filled with the rich aroma

of spicy chicken.

And so it went, until one day near the holiday season,

at long last the big jar finally ran dry.

They took the last remaining crumbs of the Spice

and spread it over their holiday roast.

The sweet smell filled the air,

bringing tears to everyone's eye.

And that's when Hugo the eldest son made

his great suggestion.

Why didn't Mama simply write to Uncle Dimitri

and ask him to send more of this wonderful spice?

Surely, Uncle Dimitri would be proud that his gift

was enjoyed by the whole village.

So Mama wrote about how much his gift had meant

to the entire village of Oshek.

And would it be possible for him to send

another jar of the spice? Maybe even two?

And that's when the miracle happened.

At the very instant that Mama finished writing her letter

to Uncle Dimitri, Carl the Postman arrived.

With a parcel. From America!

Family and friends gathered 'round.

They held their breath as the final papers came away.

But this was no spice-filled jar.

It was an even greater gift...

an urn - fashioned out of solid gold.

Mama unscrewed the top and looked inside...

There was a note - from Uncle Dimitri's son Leon...

It seems that Uncle Dimitri had passed away.

And his dying wish was that he be cremated and his ashes

sent home to his beloved village of Oshek.

Leon had sent Uncle Dimiti on ahead -

a couple of weeks ago... in a large jar...

Hey it's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And now, when a package arrives in

the little village of Oshek...

they read the instructions very carefully.

Come on little pal. Huh?

Old buddy --

I'm not your buddy.

Okay -- Look, old...

Maggot.

You are my friend...

[MAURICE LAUGHS SADLY]

I don't express my true feeling easily here.

I took care of you...

Well, if anything happened to you, don't you think

I would take care of you? Huh?

You would?

I'm hurt you even ask.

Now,

please go, I'm getting all choked up here.

I'm sorry. I know you'd take care of me.

[SOBBING & KISSES]

Oh, now you done it, ya big lug... Get outta here!

[PHONY SOBS]

Well, guys, see you next time.

And maybe we'll have some more

Freaky Stories...

MAURICE: Aaaaaghhhh!!!

[CRASH!]

Help me! I can't move!

Me and my big mouth.

All right coming.

And bring a juice.

What kind of juice?

Oh surprise me !

Ugh... Coming!