Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

LARRY: Never trust a maggot.

How could I forget that rule?

There was a whole cookie. Right there and...

Maurice, how did you take a whole cookie?

I had help.

Who would help you? A maggot?

Other maggots, of course.

You mean... ?

That's right. My family.

Oh it is great to have a family. Right Larry?

The only one I keep in touch with is my cousin, Barry.

Actually, Sir Barry. He's English.

He is very debonair, very suave, very sophisticated.

Like me.

[HE LAUGHS...]

[and LAUGHS...]

[and LAUGHS]

What? I don't have to take this.

Hey Larry! Come back!

Who's going to introduce the show?

BARRY: I say, old thing.

What? What manner of creature are you?

You must be Larry's cousin, Barry.

Sir Barry.

Sir! I never met a real Sir before.

Of course you haven't.

Wow, are you snooty.

And deservedly so. Now, where is my cousin, Larry?

I don't know. But I'll help you find him.

Watch this story... we'll be back.

STREET BOY: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

We called him Bopper.

Now first off, Bopper was a tennis champ.

Honest, him and his sister, Maria, they won the

All City Mixed Doubles a couple of years ago.

They beat the kid of this big corporate honcho

called Philip and his partner, squishy-face, Hillary.

Yeah, they were winning the competition for years

'til the City Rec Department started giving tennis lessons

to us regular people.

Bopper had a secret weapon... his sister Maria.

Philip had a really hard time keepin' his eye on the ball

with Maria playing on the other side of the net.

Ol' squishy-face Hillary, she was beside herself, man,

but Philip was tripping over his sneaker laces

to hop the net to pay homage to the victors.

[CRASH!]

That and to ask Maria if she would be interested in

taking a turn in his Jag some night.

But Bopper stepped in. "Nobody takes my little sister

for no turn without first he meets my grandmother

and gets approval."

So, that's how come the next Saturday afternoon

Philip was lost deep in our neighborhood,

looking for Maria's place.

He was driving up one alley and down the next,

and figuring he was gonna miss lunch.

But just then, he saw Bopper in front of a bungalow working

on his motorcycle.

He had the engine all over the driveway.

Philip slid out of his Jag and said,

"Yo, trouble with your wheels, man?"

Bopper looked at him like he was a bug and said,

"Giving her a carburetor job."

Philip mumbled something about spark plugs and he

rushed to the front door where Maria's dad stood

with an ugly look on his face.

He didn't even say, like, "You're late," he just said,

"We started without you".

He pointed Philip at the dining room and kept

fightin' with Bopper, who didn't want to stop

workin' on his ride.

Philip walked down the hall and into a dining room feelin'

very out of place, especially when he saw the fifteen

family members around the table, hunched over huge

steaming bowls of thick black bean soup.

Philip turned on all his charm as he apologized

for bein' late and shoved a bouquet of flowers

into Grandma's face.

Then he played his trump card, saying,

"As soon as I stepped in this house, my mouth started

watering for that wonderful soup."

The grandmother, said Maria made the soup herself.

Maria was about to head for the kitchen to serve Philip

a bowl when he said,

"Oh, don't get up, Maria. I already feel like

a member of the family

so let me serve myself."

Oh-oh!

There on the stove were two pots full of black bubbling liquid.

So, he sniffed one pot and the stuff smelled terrible.

And then he smelled the other and it stank too.

See, that was the problem when you get brought up

a household where garlic is like some exotic thing.

But Philip remembered his father's

corporate-type advice;

"It doesn't matter what decision you make,

so long as you make it fast and pretend it's right

no matter what."

So, Philip, filled his bowl with the stuff from pot one

and came back to the dining room just as Papa came in,

dragging Bopper by the lip and demanding that he eat.

Bopper picked up his bowl and headed for the kitchen.

Philip sat down, smiled at Grandma and

began to eat and say;

"Mmmmmmm, this is so good Maria," or something like that

and at the same time trying to keep from throwing up

'cause the soup tasted like something you'd lick off

the end of a gas pump.

Anyway, Philip kept on smiling and slurpin' and almost

finished his bowl by the time Bopper came back,

and man, he was burning'.

"Hey", he yelled, "What happened to the cleaning fluid

my carburetor was soaking in?

[SCREAMS]

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

They rushed Philip to the hospital and Maria

came everyday to visit.

And the marriage was a big hit even though Maria

had to swear to never make black bean soup.

I can't find Larry.

I wonder where he could be.

What the devil is that... that...

Slime?

If you will. Yes.

Ah, it's slime.

Where can I find my dear cousin?

He wouldn't go far...

You see, I've got this cookie...

[LAUGHS]

It is urgent that I find him.

You see, there is a family secret we share.

One which we must address immediately.

A family secret!

I'll look for him myself.

Can you believe that sweet, polite, sophisticated roach

is related to...

LARRY: Hey, let's keep this show moving.

Let's roll another Freaky Story.

HAM HARRISON: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

actually two friends, Charlton and Belinda.

They were affectionately known at Harvard as

Chip and Bunny.

When Chip and Bunny tied the knot, they searched

to find the perfect home.

In the perfect neighborhood.

With the perfect neighbours.

Something perhaps in Kennebunkport --

lots of tradition and history.

And they found just what they were looking for,

a charming old house with tons and tons of character.

On the rocky cliffs overlooking the sea,

the house displayed its old world Victorian charm by day,

yet appeared strangely eerie by the light of the moon.

Chip and Bunny were told the house was once owned

by a whaling boat captain, a cantankerous old salt who,

after one of many rousing spats with his wife,

set sail in 1902... and never returned.

It was said that the house was haunted

by the ghost of the old captain.

But Chip and Bunny scoffed.

Perhaps folks with less sophistication than they had,

would be alarmed by such ghost stories,

but Chip and Bunny would have no part of that.

However, on their first night in the house...

[A HUGE CRASH!]

Chip, with trusty squash racket in hand,

made his way downstairs to investigate.

He found one of the old basement walls had collapsed,

revealing several weathered, oak wine casks,

with wine still inside them.

Chip ventured to taste the contents of one of the casks.

Awful stuff it was but being thorough,

Chip tried them all.

To his surprise one of the casks seemed to hold

a rich red wine, robust, with a haughty bouquet

and piquant character...

the most delicious wine Chip had ever tasted.

Since the supply of this wondrous wine was limited,

Chip and Bunny decided to keep it for themselves.

On their subsequent wedding anniversaries,

they would each savor one glass from their secret cache.

Chip and Bunny went about having their basement

converted into a proper wine cellar.

The precious wine in that big old cask,

would only improve with age.

Every year, on their anniversary,

whether they were off to a soiree at the club

or a "do" at mumzie's country home, Chip and Bunny

would toast their good fortune with the delicious claret.

On their seventh anniversary,

they picnicked in the basement and shared their wine

on a blanket spread over the cement floor.

For their twelfth anniversary, Chip and Bunny took

a small decanter of the wine on a cruise

and sipped it in the privacy of their state room.

And on their seventeenth anniversary,

the couple enjoyed their private wine in the gondola

of a hot air balloon wafting over the majestic Alps...

for by now, Chip was a successful attorney and

Bunny ran a noted magazine.

It was their twenty second anniversary

when the cask ran dry.

Chip turned the tap and only three drops trickled out.

Taking this disappointment in stride,

they bid a fond adieu and moved on with their lives.

The next day, Chip went about the task of removing

the old, empty cask from the basement.

But he couldn't lift it off its trestle.

Could there be something in the cask?

He pried off the lid and looked inside.

Staring back at him was the old sea captain...

who had either gone to sea and returned in a wine cask,

or had not made it out to sea after the last

spat with his wife.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And these days, on their anniversary, Chip and Bunny,

now devout teetotalers, toast each other with

strawberry milk-shakes.

What? What?

It's just that your cousin...

he's so nice and you're, well...

My cousin? Here? No way.

Way -- I was just talking to him.

What does this guy look like?

This guy who says he's my cousin?

Oh, well he's about uhh...

Oh, and he's got, uh... Uh....

He looks exactly like you.

That's Barry all right. What's he doing here?

He said something about a family secret.

Oh no! Not the secret! Oh no!

I gotta find him.

I can't seem to locate my cousin.

Oh yeah, he got pretty upset when I told him about...

... the secret.

Oh, dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

[LARRY PANTING]

Your cousin was just here.

I better find him, quick.

Uhhh.... You know what to do!

No really, I don't know what to do ...

Oh, uh . . . here's another Freaky Story.

NICE OLD LADY: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Gertrude.

Like the rest of us, she was getting on a bit.

Still spry, but with hubby gone

and the kids with kids of their own...

Let's just say Gertrude had seen better years.

But the best was yet to come...

One day Gertrude had just hopped off

the cross-town bus and was waiting

for another one to take her home

when nature called, if you know what I mean.

She'd been at a tea social most of the afternoon.

She was not in the more fashionable part of town

and there wasn't a gas station in sight.

Gertrude slipped into one of those snooty little dress shops

to see if she could find an understanding sales clerk.

The place was filled with the uppercrust,

the kind of place where if you have to ask how much,

you can't afford it.

Gertrude discretely whispered to the wealthiest looking

sales girl she'd ever seen, asking if she

might use the facilities.

The woman noticed Gertrude's discount shoes

and announced the washrooms were reserved for customers only.

All the rich ladies stared at her and Gertrude

high-tailed it out of there.

She felt like the biggest loser in the world

and would have liked to have crawled on home,

but when you have to go...

So she kept on looking.

She tried the big video store across the street

and things looked good at first.

But when Gertrude mentioned her problem, the teenage

clerks just spouted a long list of rules and regulations.

And she had no more luck at the cafe next door

or the variety store on the corner or the laundromat.

By this time things were getting pretty desperate.

A terrible accident was a distinct possibility.

But suddenly, across the street,

Gertrude spotted a funeral parlour.

She knew it was terrible, but she was forced to pose as

friend or family and get to the lady's room

before it was too late.

Instead of robotic teenagers, there was a pair

of creepy funeral directors waiting right inside

the front door.

They smiled solemn I'm-so-sad-for-you smiles

and Gertrude nodded her thanks for their sympathy.

And just when she thought the worst was over,

the creepier of the two pulled out a guest book

and insisted that she sign.

So Gertrude signed.

She felt awful about it,

but she put her whole name down even though she

never heard of the dearly departed.

And finally, after all her troubles and

all her humiliation, the lady was free to go.

She slipped down the corridor to the powder room and

the problem was solved.

But on her way out of the little-girl's room,

she saw the undertakers spying on her and thought she'd better

pay her last respects before making her get-away.

So she went into the parlour.

There was no one there besides the poor dead soul himself.

There were all these empty chairs and the biggest,

most expensive casket you ever saw.

But not one mourner.

So Gertrude made her way up to the coffin and peered in.

The man inside was old, really old, and he looked

as stern as could be.

But Gertrude could see a mischievous crinkle

around his eyes.

And she felt sorry for him all alone there with

no one to say good-bye.

So she just whispered,

"Thanks a lot. You really saved my life."

And she caught the next bus home.

A week or so later, Gertrude was just dusting

round her tiny apartment,

when the mail came and there was a letter from

some lawyer she had never heard of.

Seems the old man at the funeral home had been

stinking rich but had fought with every single member

of his family.

So he made up this will leaving all his money to

anybody who bothered to show up at his funeral.

They checked the guest book,

and Gertrude's was the only name there.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And the first thing Gertrude did with all that loot

was buy that fancy boutique and

boot the snooty sales lady right out the door.

How about that?

Barry and Larry shares a deep, dark secret.

I have to find out what it is. But I'll have to be clever!

So did you see him?

Oh, yes.

And uh . . . did he... tell you anything?

You know.

The secret? He told you the secret?

Uh-huh.

We shouldn't have done it.

[deep sigh]

It was terrible how...

Just thinking about it --

Yeah?

I can't...

Yeah?

I can't go on...

Drats! I came so close!

[FART]

Oh hi! You just missed Larry.

He told me the family secret.

Did he now.

Yup. The whole thing. Beginning to end.

But he did leave out a few things.

Very well, old chap.

I suspect I can supply you with all the dirty little details.

Dirty little details. I love it!

But I must have a moment to gather my thoughts.

No problem.

After this story we'll be back...

With Larry's family secret. [LAUGHS]

FAMILY HISTORIAN: This is a true story.

It happened to friends of a friend of mine. Yan and Stosh.

Two cousins from the old country.

They came to America in a boat.

Hiding in a hold full of pigs.

When the boat docked, Yan and Stosh were met by their

Uncle Blatz who had made it big in the fertilizer business.

Which is why he barely noticed that Yan and Stosh

had spent two weeks with pigs.

He told them they were like a breath of fresh air

from back home.

Now, Yan could fix just about anything.

So Uncle Blatz loaned him money to start a small

shoe repair business.

And Stosh was good with his hands too.

He could break anything.

So Uncle Blatz gave him a job collecting bad debts.

After Stosh's reputation got around, people would pay and

not even insist on delivery of fertilizer.

Unfortunately, Yan often spent too long fixing

one pair of shoes.

And before long he was in deep financial trouble.

Uncle Blatz wanted his loan back and sent

Stosh to see him.

Yan offered to make Uncle Blatz a new pair of shoes.

But Stosh said that wouldn't be enough.

So Yan graciously told Stosh to go ahead and do his job,

because that's what he was supposed to do.

So... [CRACK!]

While he was recovering,

Yan whittled a beautiful wooden cane.

His skill caught the eye of his Uncle's business partner's

daughter Drindle.

Pretty soon Yan and Drindle became an item.

It was only a matter of time until they planned to wed.

Yan was already practicing the Glitzmar Leap,

the centerpiece of the wedding ceremony.

Because only a perfect execution of the intricate

dance step could consummate the marriage,

and Yan was worried about how his bad leg would hold up.

Unfortunately, Uncle Blatz could not allow the wedding

to take place.

He and his partner had an agreement,

that family and business were like cow poop and sheep poop.

They could never mix.

So, Uncle Blatz decided to send Stosh to talk some sense

to his fool cousin.

And Stosh broke Yan's good leg this time.

[CRACK!]

Yan busied himself whittling another fine cane.

His skill at making canes was beginning

to develop a reputation.

And Stosh, began leaving Yan's business card

when he broke a customer's leg.

So, all and all the cousins were doing okay by each other.

They were closer than ever,

which is why Stosh insisted that Yan be his best man

at his wedding.

Stosh had fallen in love with Drindle, and after breaking

Drindle's father's legs, the silly rule about family not

marrying into the business was set aside.

The day of the ceremony,

Yan selected his two finest canes to help him

hobble down the aisle.

He stood proudly at the alter watching first his own

beloved Drindle stroll down the aisle in a dress

she made herself out of fertilizer bags.

Then came his cousin Stosh, resplendent in

satin and burlap.

Yan lay his canes on the floor and sat,

as the priest invoked the sacred vows

and called on Stosh to execute the Glitzmar Leap.

But his feet got caught in Yan's canes.

Stosh fell down the steps, crying in agony as both legs,

tangled in Yan's canes, snapped.

Yan stood up, and to everybody's surprise,

executed a perfect Glitzmar Leap,

and the priest, having no other choice,

pronounced Yan and Drindle man and wife.

This is a true story.

It happened to friends of a friend of mine. Yan and Stosh.

You know, the ones who can't agree on anything.

And who could blame them.

Neither one has a leg to stand on.

Okay, Sir Barry, let's have it.

What's your family secret?

Ah, we live in such a mercenary age.

Huh?

Everything today seems to be worth something.

Well, your family secret is worth... what?

What do you have?

A whole cookie.

Oh?

Ooh? Haha!

Okay. Let's have it. What's your family secret?

You see, my dear boy, the secret is...

I GOT NO FAMILY SECRET!

Huh?

It's me, you dodo!

Where's Sir Barry?

I'm Sir Barry.

Hahaha -- Uh-uh. You're Larry.

That's the secret.

The secret is, there is no secret.

Bahahaha! You get it? Hahaha!

No.

Excuse me. I got a date with a cookie.

See ya soon.

Hahaha...

Some day I'll find out what that family secret is.

[SIGH]