Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

ROSIE: This is the worst part of the job --

Ya know, I hate cleaning.

Yeah, I know, I know...

...the Health Inspector's coming tomorrow.

Good thing he doesn't come every day.

I love that Rosie.

I make Ted's Diner my home 'cause she's no clean freak...

if you get my drift.

ROSIE: There enough cleaning.

I don't want to turn into a clean freak.

LARRY: That's my Rosie.

And this... this is my favorite part of the day.

Dinner time.

So while I enjoy this sugar cube...

as you know, it's one of my four essential food groups...

you can watch some Freaky Stories.

We're gonna have some crime stories, which,

thank goodness, is something we don't have around here.

MAN: Hey, Rosie, sorry, I knocked over the maple syrup.

Hmmm... maple syrup.

Hey! Why don't I give myself a nice treat

and top this off.

Be right back.

Oh! Meanwhile, here's an appetizing crime story.

AGENT X-42: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

He's working under deep cover.

For the purpose of this story we'll use his cover name, Joe.

Joe was on a counter intelligence mission,

investigating the Ambassador from a country

whose name I can't tell you.

Joe assumed the identity of a travelling salesman.

But his sample case was really a sixty amp,

high frequency receiver.

His garment bag was retro fitted with scope microphones,

compact transmitters and an assortment of antennas.

Of course, we hid all of these items inside of normal,

every-day stuff, like coat hangers, fountain pens

and wrist watches... like we always do.

Joe knew you have to counter the other side's

surveillance devices...

and Joe was the Agency's best "bug sniffer".

CROWD: Huh?

Once Joe found a bug hidden in a raisin that was

part of a rice pudding at an embassy buffet.

Not to attract attention, Joe ate the rice pudding

raisin and the other country's agents spent the night

eavesdropping on Joe's stomach acid reflux sounds.

Now, for this mission,

Joe donned his travelling salesman disguise --

a flashy sportscoat, a tacky tie and a smile.

So Joe checked into a Hotel in the heart of

Washington, D. C. --

the hotel where the delegates to the

International Conference were staying.

Joe slipped the desk clerk a couple of bucks

and got himself a room next to the Ambassador.

Before he went about setting up his devices,

he checked out his surroundings to be sure he

wasn't being spied on.

Like I said, this was Joe's "thing".

He looked behind pictures, under lamps, in drawers,

closets, even in the toilet bowl.

In less than an hour, he came up with two

micro transmitters, one body heat sensor and two mini

video cameras, one of which was hidden in the

complimentary toothpaste tube.

Just when Joe figured the room was "clean",

he stepped on something...

something under the carpet.

Pretty sneaky, but not sneaky enough to fool Joe.

He pulled back the carpet, which required moving

the dresser and the mini bar.

And right there, in the center of the bare floor

was the head of a bolt that was not entirely counter-sunk

into the wood.

Joe chuckled to himself.

No self-respecting agent would leave such an obvious bug.

Well, Joe got out his mini tools, which, of course,

were hidden in his electric shaver.

And he went about "neutralizing" the bug.

Using his carbon steel sparrow-beak wrench,

he tried to undo the bug bolt.

But it was practically fused in place.

So Joe opted for the motorized wrench

which was hidden in the heel of his left

wing-tipped cordovan.

Sure enough, the bolt came undone.

And then Joe could set out his own devices.

But minutes after he started, there was a knock at the door.

Again Joe chuckled.

Are they kidding? He smiled.

Are they trying to pull the oldest trick

in the spy handbook?

The room service trick...

you know, the food cart with a listening device

under the pate de foie gras?

Joe opened the door.

But instead of the room service waiter,

there was the hotel manager, who seemed pretty upset.

"You idiot!" he blasted at Joe.

"You just unscrewed the chandelier in the room

below you, the Honeymoon Suite. "

And that's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

[CRASH!]

The couple in the Honeymoon Suite were not hurt.

The chandelier just crushed one of their suitcases...

which contained her bridal gown, his tuxedo

and an infra-red night scope with

high-frequency audio sensors.

No more spilled maple syrup. UH?

Well maybe Rosie cleaned it up.

Or maybe not.

Mmm-mm!

Maple syrup goes with anything.

Yeah, like here with my --

What the heck happened to my dinner?

I've been robbed!

Oh? What did they take?

I waited all day. I Looked forward to this.

And now... now --

Who is low enough and brainless enough to

steal my dinner?

A-HA!!!

Huh?

You stole my dinner!

J'accuse!!!

Is that a French song?

¶ FRERE J'ACCUSE FRERE J'ACCUSE, ¶

¶ DORME VOUS, DORME -- ¶

What's with Maurice today?

Whatever.

I'm going to find the thief who stole my dinner

if it takes till the end of this show...

Which it probably will.

Like any mystery, you'll get the answer on the last page...

which here is before the last commercial.

Meanwhile, here's another Freaky Story.

FAMILY FRIEND: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Doris and her kids, Michael and Amanda who had this

real ugly rat they kept as a pet--

kids today huh?

Well, George that's the rat, died.

He was chasing a Doberman --

if you knew George, you could see how he could scare

the bark out of any dog.

[TRUCK HONKS HORN]

[SPLAT!]

Michael and Amanda, loved their pet.

And they were kind of upset when George got squooshed.

So they convinced their mom to give George the respectable

burial he deserved, at a nearby pet cemetery.

The kids dug out a shopping bag, placed George inside,

climbed into the station wagon and drove to the cemetery.

It was Doris who suggested they find something better

than an old shopping bag for the pet that gave them

so much pleasure.

She pulled the wagon into the parking lot of the mall

and went to the ritziest boutique.

There, they bought a gift box.

Embossed silver foil.

They laid squooshed George inside and tied the box

with a lovely red bow.

They got back to the car and put the box

on top so they could open the hatch.

That's when Doris remembered she left her credit card

in the store. So she went back to get it.

The kids, Amanda and Michael, got bored,

so they started playing tag, running all over the place.

No one gave a thought to the fact that George,

in his fancy box, was sitting out there on top of the car,

no one that is, but Sonny the Swipe.

He's the guy who had all those little problems

with the police when he was a teenager.

How could Sonny resist? There, on top of the car,

was this beautiful gift box, inside of which,

Sonny figured, was some very expensive gift.

So Sonny took off and on a dead run, flew past the car

and snapped up the gift box.

The box had some heft to it, and he smiled.

Uh-uh, there's something really worth a lot in here.

Now, racing in between the cars,

were Michael and Amanda playing tag,

and Sonny running with the stolen box.

And the inevitable happened.

[OOF!! AH!]

Everybody went down.

But the first one up was Sonny.

He ducked into the men's room, still clutching his loot.

And he was all alone.

A perfect opportunity to see

what he'd gone through all the trouble for.

He slowly took off the bow --

savoring every moment of excitement and expectation.

He lifted the lid. He reached into the box and...

[OOF!]

Sonny leaped ten feet into the air.

And he came down with a big thump.

The next guy to come in saw Sonny laying there

and called an ambulance.

By the time the ambulance showed up,

Amanda and Michael had given up the hunt.

But they were attracted by the crowd around the men's room.

When they got over there, the paramedics were hauling Sonny

out on a stretcher.

The kids recognized him as the thief,

but there was no sign of the box.

All they could do now was think happy thoughts

about their big ugly pet rat.

But back at the mall, the man who found Sonny,

spotted the gift box on the floor of the men's room.

He ran out with the box.

"Poor fellow don't want him to worry

about losing his present."

And he placed it on Sonny's chest

just as he was being loaded into the ambulance.

"This way it will be the first thing he sees when he awakens."

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

As for Sonny, he got a job at the pet cemetery

where he can give furry creatures, even the big ugly

squooshed ones, the respect they deserve.

Come along, my dear Watson.

MAURICE: Huh?

I am using my deductive powers to ascertain the villain

who absconded with my dinner.

Could you just speak English.

Haven't you ever heard of Sherlock Holmes?

I've heard of retirement homes, old age homes and...

¶ HOMES, HOMES ON THE RANGE... ¶

[RIMSHOT]

Will you please!

I'm on today.

Hey, are you gonna help me or not?

I'm looking for clues. Here!

You should look in the clues closet.

[RIMSHOT]

Hey, what's going on?

Oh it's my cousin, Shecky, he's visiting this week.

Well yeah, I'm gonna take care of your cousin Shecky.

But first... grab the sugar cube here.

Now listen Maurice I want you to keep your eye on

this here sugar cube.

But I thought it was, keep your eye on the ball.

Well, now the ball is a cube.

That's going to make it hard to dribble.

[RIMSHOT]

Look! You are on a stakeout here.

I'll take mine medium rare.

[RIMSHOT]

Excuse me. I have some drumsticks to break.

Oh! Here's another Freaky Story.

Yo! Shecky... can we talk?

SIDNEY THE SNITCH: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Murray, the guy with the hat. And the nose.

And the beat up '75 junk-yard special.

Yeah, Murray the Moocher.

Why did they call him Murray the Moocher?

If you ever had breakfast with him down at Ted's Diner,

You could sit there till the toast turned into penicillin

before Murray would reach for the check.

When the bill came, he always had to go to the bathroom.

Or he had to make a phone call.

Or he couldn't break a fifty.

You'd get stuck with the tab, and Murray got stuck

with the nickname.

Murray never liked to buy gas.

And Murray's car guzzled more gas than Murray drank

free sodas at Paddy the Thumb's funeral.

Murray always carried around a long piece of garden hose,

and when that old rust-bucket of his was running on fumes,

he'd pull up beside another car.

Then he'd hop out, take the end of the hose,

stuff it in the gas tank of the other car

and start sucking.

Now, you had to do this just right, or else you'd end up

with a mouth full of high octane unleaded mouthwash.

But just as the gas was through the tube,

Murray'd pop the end he'd been sucking into his heap's

gas tank and syphon off all the gas from

the other car.

One night Murray found himself out on a dark stretch

of highway, when his car began making its

familiar coughing sound.

But in his headlights Murray could just make out

the silhouette of something parked off

to the side of the road up ahead.

A relieved smile crept across Murray's face

as his beloved jalopy coasted quietly to a stop.

Murray silently hopped out of his car

and went to look at his "victim"...

a huge mobile home.

Murray sneaked up quietly to the gas tank cover.

Without a sound he opened it, and stuck the hose in.

Then, with the practiced flair of a concert saxophonist,

he placed the hose in his mouth, adjusted

his embouchure, and began to suck.

And... nothing.

Murray jiggled the hose around, and tried again.

He took a big breath and sucked on that hose

for all he was worth.

The hose filled.

But because Murray had sucked so hard,

he wasn't prepared for the sudden gush

that filled his mouth.

Yechhh! It was a taste so bad, he thought he'd die.

And what's worse, it didn't even taste like gas.

Murray ran around spitting and gagging,

trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

He ran back to his car, looking for mouthwash,

anti-freeze, anything.

Desperate, Murray grabbed the pine tree deodorizer

hanging from his rear-view mirror and sucked on that.

But all that noise had causeda commotion,

and the door of the camper opened.

A guy popped his head out and asked Murray

if anything was wrong.

Well, Murray was still out of gas,

so he says I've seemed to have run out of gas.

I don't suppose you could help me out.

The guy in the camper, realizing he was Murray's

only hope said sure, I've got plenty.

But it's all in my gas tank.

I don't suppose you know how to syphon gas?

A gentle smile washed over Murray the Moocher's face.

Well, he said, I've heard about how you do it.

Murray grabbed his trusty hose and walked over

to the gas tank, where he had just been.

He was about to put the hose in when the

camper owner stopped him.

"On these vehicles, the gas tank is over here.

Where you're standing is the holding tank for my toilet.

And you sure wouldn't want to suck on that!"

This is a true story.

Happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Murray the Moocher.

You know who I mean.

The guy who now brushes his teeth maybe fifty times a day.

Hey! What happened???!!!

I was belly surfing in this big glob of slimy, thick,

green, gooie...

You were dreaming!

Oh yeah, it's a recurring dream.

You want to know what the thick, green, gooie stuff was?

Some body, Somebody stole my dinner...

AGAIN!

Actually, I'm not sure exactly what it is,

but you know that trucker from Alabama, he coughed it up.

You were supposed to keep an eye on the sugar cube.

I love Southern food.

Nice try... Mau-rice! But I know you did it.

You were the only one on this counter top.

I didn't do it!

You were the only one stupid enough to do it

with everybody out there...

...watching.

Gee, that would be stupid --

it does sound like me.

I'm going to prove you did it...

Oh! You dirty coppers.

I'm not talking. Get me my lawyer.

You stole my sugar! Admit it!

I can't take this any more --

I'm... thirsty...

Say you did it!

Anything to drink... anything...

You don't get a drop till you say it! See.

I'm too... thirsty... to dry... I need a... drink...

ROSIE: Look at this mess.

Someone spilled the pail I was using to mop the floor.

Ah! Water!

I know what. I'll get another piece of sugar

and I'll watch it and I'll catch him in the act. [LAUGHS]

Oh yeah, here's another Freaky Story.

MUDDY RIVERS: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend.

Of a friend - Of a friend of mine.

¶¶

It was back in sixty-three. And if you ask me.

It was a very, Very dangerous time.

'Cause love was blind.

¶ [50s DOO WOP MUSIC] ¶

¶ The boy's name was Frankie. His true love was Annette. ¶

¶ It happened on a Friday night. ¶

¶ They were parked in his Corvette ¶

¶ Out at Lover's Leap. The place was jammed with cars. ¶

¶ A hundred moon-struck teenagers ¶

¶ were gazing at the stars. ¶

¶ Frankie and his baby they were so much in love ¶

¶ Hugging and smoochin' under those stars above ¶

¶ The radio played softly; "The Late-Night Lovers Bash" ¶

¶ Then suddenly the DJ said -- ¶

DJ: We interrupt for this news flash.

A man has escaped from the Prison

for The Criminally Insane.

When apprehended late last year,

he had a fridge full of pickled brain.

He's a homicidal killer who hunts on lovers lane.

Before they caught him last time

twenty terrorized teens were slain.

This maniac is running wild and he has scary look

Where his right hand it ought to be

he's got a razor sharp hook

So if you're at the Sub races or riding on that night train

Get home while the gettin's good because

¶ The Hook is right deranged. ¶

¶ Watch out for The Hook ¶

¶ Watch out for The Hook ¶

¶ Watch out for The Hook ¶

¶ Watch out for The Hook ¶

¶ Annette she quaked and Frankie sneered ¶

¶ as the cars all squealed away. ¶

¶ She said "Let's go I'm scared, Frankie. ¶

¶ He said; "Come on baby stay" ¶

¶ The night is young, I'm big and strong ¶

¶ so you don't have to fear ¶

¶ Besides by now The Hook must be

a hundred miles from here. ¶

¶ She looked into his big brown eyes ¶

¶ and she could not resist. ¶

¶ She threw her arms around him ¶

¶ and they kissed and kissed and kissed ¶

¶ Then suddenly a twig snapped. ¶

¶ Annette said "What was that?" ¶

¶ And Frankie said ¶

"It's nothing a dog, a coon or cat. " ¶

¶ But Annette glanced in the mirror ¶

¶ and some thing caught her eye. ¶

¶ A glint of moon on metal that made her

scream and cry. ¶

¶ "Get me out of here right now!I'm not kidding 'round. ¶

¶ Move it Frankie, move it fast, take me back to town!" ¶

¶ Frankie cranked the car ¶

¶ peeled his tires cross the lot ¶

¶ And grumbled all the way to town. ¶

¶ Their evening has been shot. ¶

¶ But when they got to her place and he went to her car door. ¶

¶ Frankie's face went ghostly white ¶

¶ like it had never been before. ¶

¶ And Annette said ¶

¶ "Frankie, you OK? You look really shook." ¶

¶ Then he fainted dead away so she got out to take a look ¶

¶ But as she opened up her door ¶

¶ she heard a clanking sound ¶

¶ She looked down at the door handle

¶ and this is what she found. ¶

[SCREAMS!]

¶ A Hook. A Hook. ¶

¶ There she found a Hook. ¶

¶ A Hook. A Hook. ¶

¶ There she found a Hook. ¶

¶ A Hook, Hook, Hook, ¶

¶ Watch out for The Hook! ¶

Shhhhhhh...

This time I'll get him...

As soon as he comes out to--

ROSIE: What's going on, Ted?

I keep cleaning off this table and somebody keeps

putting sugar back on it.

Here --

Hm... does this mean I have to apologize to Maurice?

I don't think so.

Now, to close out this show about crime, a little joke.

Get ready, Shecky.

What do you get when you cross a dog with a chicken?

Pooched eggs!

Ha, Ha.

You see what I did there?

Mm...

Ha, Ha.