Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

ROSIE: Bye-bye, Al.

See you next time you're in from the coast.

AL: Sure you don't want to come with me, Rosie?

You got the looks to be a movie star.

ROSIE: Get outta here, you old charmer you.

AL: You're a stunner, Rosie...

Yadda-yadda-yadda-yadda...

AL: You belong in the movies.

What an old line. Gimme a break.

ROSIE: See you next time, Al.

ROSIE: How about that, Ted, your buddy, Al,

becomes a big time casting agent and

he still eats here when he's in town.

Al's either got no taste buds, or he's very cheap.

ROSIE: Thirty five cents?! You call this a tip???!!!

Well, that answers that question.

Oh, I know Al's a phony, but that's because

he's from Hollywood.

Still, he said they're casting for a bug spray commercial.

You gotta agree. Who better to be killed by a national

brand name bug killer?

Got one big problem. How do I get to Hollywood?

MAURICE: Practice, practice, practice.

But seriously, folks... anyone here from outta town?

Budda - boom!

Oh no! Just the thought of going to Hollywood and

I go totally show biz.

Totally glitz and glamour. Totally no substance.

Let's face it, folks...

Show business is in my blood.

And while I savor that thought,

here's our first Freaky Story.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine Fran

...she's a flight attendant too.

It started as an ordinary flight.

Fran, is just serving drinks and getting people pillows.

The Captain was one of those old-timers

with, nerves of steel.

But his co- pilot was straight out of the Academy.

The kind of guy who falls to pieces the first time

the oxygen masks pop down.

So anyway, they're about an hour out of Istanbul

on their way to Singapore when the co-pilot

excused himself and headed for the facilities.

[FART SOUNDS]

But the thing is, the guy just didn't come back.

He's gone twenty, thirty minutes and the pilot

was getting ticked.

So he called to Fran

and asked her to go see what's keeping "Junior."

But Fran can't because the drink cart was blocking

the way. So the pilot decided to go check himself.

He put the plane on auto-pilot,

...and he heard the door shut behind him.

But the click he heard was not the door shutting click.

It's the door LOCKING click.

Junior forgot to take the safety off before he left

the flight deck.

Now they're both locked out!

Then some lady spotted the real pilot tugging at

the cock-pit door, she let's out this huge scream:

OOOH! No one's flying the plane!!!

So now Fran got everyone back to their seats,

tried to calm the most hysterical and started helping

the Captain get back to the flight deck so he could

steer the plane.

The Captain and Fran tried putting a

shoulder to the door.

[THUD!]

The big guy in the front row gave them a hand. No go.

An old lady near the back got the idea of maybe

taking the hinges off, but the tools were in the cock-pit.

When they looked through the little peep hole,

into the cockpit,

what they saw up ahead was this huge mountain peak...

and the plane was heading straight for it.

All of a sudden this guy stood up and said that

he could pick any lock going as long as someone

let him out of these.

But before you know it this criminal, who

happened to be a safe cracker, was at the cockpit door,

asking for something to pick the lock with.

People were throwing him paperclips and nail files

and a nun tossed him some bobby pins from her head gear,

but everything was either too big or too small.

And when the plane hit another air pocket,

the kid who was air sick the whole time got tossed out

into the aisle.

That's when the safecracker spotted him...

and his braces.

They were one of those real serious sets of train tracks

with the little cap on top and the wire sticking

out across the front.

[GRUNTS]

The Captain and the safecracker pried one side of

the front wire loose, while Fran kept the kid still.

But they couldn't get the braces all off,

so they had to hold the kid's face right up to the door.

The safecracker wiggled the wire this way and that.

The kid was really uncomfortable,

but he was getting a lot of attention.

Cool.

Alarms were buzzing away.

And just as everyone was saying their final prayers,

the lock made a click noise and the door swung open.

The Captain dove to the controls and pulled up just in time.

And it was smooth sailing from there.

And the co-pilot?

His comb had fallen behind the toilet,

and when he bent down to pick it up,

his tie got caught down in that flappy thing

at the bottom of the bowl.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

who now always carries a spare set of keys..

And that co-pilot?

He's driving the number seven bus between

Palmdale and Paquoima.

Got to get to L.A.... somehow...

I know! I could take a plane.

My cousin, Elroy, he lives at David's Caterers out

at the airport. He's been to England, France, Japan...

six times.

He always brings me some sushi.

Sushi...

¶ I LOVE RAW FISHES WRAPPED IN GRASS, SUSHI. SUSHI. ¶

¶ EVEN THOUGH IT GIVES ME GASS ¶

¶ THAT'S THE PRICE I PAY. ¶

¶ SUSHI EVERY DAY, SUSHI EVERY NIGHT. ¶

¶ I LEFT MY SUSHI ON MY PLATE. ¶

¶ SOMEBODY USED IT FOR BAIT. ¶

Oh, good, you're still here.

You have to take me with you.

To Hollywood? Why?

So I could be in show business.

[LARRY SIGHS]

Express myself. Reveal my talent.

Which is?

Uh, ah, uh... [FARTS]

I do impressions.

Oh? Go ahead.

See if I can guess who it is.

Okay, ahem...

Thank you, thank you very much.

Okay, who am I?

Maurice.

Who was I doing an impression of?

Beats me.

Our next Freaky Story...

How could you not know I was doing Michael Bolton?

Oh, yeah. Right. I shoulda got it.

Our next story... PLEASE!

LONG TIME PAL: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

When Herbie got his first set of wheels,

a hand-me-down tricycle, he was three.

But he took care of that trike as if it was an

eighty thousand dollar Porsche.

And when Herbie was growing up, he made money after school

by washing cars.

He always said, "Some day, I'm gonna get myself a Porsche."

So you can imagine what happened the day he saw

an ad in the local paper.

"For sale, 1965 Porsche" --

this was back in '67 so the car was practically new.

And the real amazing part was the price,

which was fifty dollars.

That's right, fifty dollars for a Porsche

that was worth thousands.

Herbie figures it's some kind of typographical error.

But still, he goes to the address in the ad.

Parked in front of the house was the car.

And it was a '65 Porsche all right.

Looking like a jewel, ruby red and sparkling.

Naturally Herbie assumed it was the price that

was wrong in the ad.

But the lady came out and said, "The ad's right.

Fifty dollars is the price."

Herbie gave her a good looking over,

to see if she's flipped out in some way.

He wanted the car alright,

but he didn't want to take advantage of anyone.

But she looked like she knew what she was doing.

Even though Herbie was just sixteen,

he knew a lot about cars.

So he said he wanted to take the Porsche for a test drive.

[VRRROOOOM!]

As soon as he rounded the corner,

out of the lady's sight, he stopped and popped the hood.

The engine looked like the car just came out of the showroom.

According to the odometer, the car had been driven

only eighty seven miles.

He still drove the Porsche into a gas station and

asked the mechanic to look at it.

He practically took the car apart and found

nothing wrong... except for some funny little rattle.

"Aha!" said Herbie,

"There is something wrong with the car."

The mechanic peeled the car all the way down.

And you know what the mechanic found bouncing around

in the frame?

A ring... a man's wedding ring that got lost in there somehow.

Just an old wedding ring.

Other than that, the Porsche was in perfect condition.

After he put the car back together,

Herbie went back and handed his fifty dollars

to the lady, but then he looked in her eyes --

what if the lady was a car thief?

Even though the lady looked innocent enough,

Herbie heard about con artists who took

young innocent kids like him.

But not this lady.

She just handed over the ownership papers,

making the sale legal and official.

But before he drove off,

Herbie remembered the wedding ring.

He showed it to the lady, told her where it was found

and said he figured it was hers.

She told Herbie the ring belonged to her husband,

who probably slipped it off when he met the other woman.

And she said her husband, who was living with that...

"other woman", told her to sell his car and send him

all the money she got for it...

which was exactly fifty dollars.

It's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Herbert has become a very successful antique car dealer.

But he'll never part with the old '65 Porsche,

which he hand-washes and details every Sunday.

That sleazo casting guy said the star

of the bug commercial gets a dressing room

and all the garbage scraps he can eat.

Oh man, I gotta get to that audition.

ROSIE: Hey, Ted, look at what just pulled up.

A pink Cadillac with California plates.

Step aside. My ride has arrived.

ROSIE: Here, have a seat at the counter.

ROSIE: Saw your license plates.

What part of California you from?

MAN: Malibu Beach.

Malibu! Home of the most beautiful roaches.

Oh, yeah, everyone's beautiful out there.

Roaches, water beetles, spiders...

Maggots?

What do you want?

Take me with you. Please!!!

I heard they have designer garbage in Malibu.

Don't bother me now. I have to get into that Cadillac.

ROSIE: It's a pretty long drive from here to Malibu.

MAN: I'm coming from Malibu. I'm going to New Jersey.

What???!!!

New Jersey...

I heard they have great sewage in New Jersey.

I'm gonna hitch me a ride.

[CHUCKLES] Roll another story.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Ryan was in charge of designing integrated security system.

His job was essentially, to keep what's "in",

in and what's "out", out.

But Ryan had another passion... fine automobiles.

Actually, one car in particular. His.

It was a 1934 Alphonso de Cradenza.

A pre-war open roadster.

Ryan discovered it while vacationing in Tuscany

and had it shipped home.

It took him years to do the meticulous restoration.

When it was finished, it was one of a kind.

The only existing Alphonso de Cradenza in the world.

Ryan had it appraised.

His 'hobby car' had become a fine investment to be treasured

and secured... and security is Ryan.

He had the yard behind his home excavated

and built "The Bunker".

No windows, low to the ground.

Concrete walls three feet thick.

The whole thing was surrounded by a moat stocked with piranha.

Inside the Bunker, was the de Cradenza.

Ryan always backed the car in.

He thought it looked dramatic...

sitting there, poised for a quick getaway.

Then he placed clamps, made of tempered steel,

through the wheels of the car and bolted them

into the concrete.

Ryan would enter the control room

and activate his security system.

First, he'd lower 'the cocoon, a bubble made

of bulletproof plastic on a hydraulic lift.

A pump would extract every molecule of air

from the chamber, hermetically sealing the car inside.

Ryan had created a grid of interlaced laser beams

as an intruder detection system.

If someone broke one of the beams,

the computer would instantly triangulate his position.

Then robotic dart guns would fire poisonous darts,

paralyzing the intruder.

And of course there was the security camera system

Early one morning, Ryan decided to take

the de Cradenza for a spin.

He released the security measures,

hopped in and drove it out of The Bunker.

The car purred like a kitten.

After giving the neighbors an eyeful,

he parked it safely back in The Bunker.

Then he trotted off to catch the commuter train to work.

Arriving home that afternoon,

Ryan flipped on the security camera --

[SCREAMS]

He ran out the back door of the house

and keyed the electric lock - the door hissed open.

He was in!

Then he froze - just a micro-millimeter

from the laser-grid.

One slip and he'd look like a slice of Swiss Cheese.

He carefully made his way to the control room...

The car was there.

Bolted to the ground, sealed in the airtight cocoon,

guarded by the dart firing cobras and the laser-grid...

but it was backwards. Sitting nose in.

Someone had moved HIS CAR!

Ryan went over the de Cradenza with a fine tooth comb.

And he found it in the ashtray. A tiny ball of paper.

Almost hidden from sight. Ryan got a pair of tweezers -

he didn't want to get fingerprints on the evidence.

He carefully unrolled the paper.

The tiniest hand writing imaginable held the message

that he'd been afraid of:

"When we want it - we'll take it".

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Ryan? He was so shaken that he sold the de Cradenza

and now he keeps his money in an old sock

under the mattress.

Well kiddies. I'm off to Hollywood.

Now let's see if I've got my shades, my sun block...

When do we leave?

My shades, my sun block...

Please don't tell me you're wearing my swimsuit.

It's a little snug in the crotch.

I thought you were going to New Jersey.

They wouldn't let me in.

Figures.

Now, get out of my swimsuit and get out of my life!

I want you out of my sight!

But... but, but...

And take your butts with you.

Are you sure you want me to go?

Go -- away.

Finally. He's out of my life.

And I'm off to Hollywood for my audition.

Oh, and here's another Freaky Story for you.

NOSEY NEIGHBOUR: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Mimi. She's a neighbour. And we're very close.

Five and a half feet close.

You see that's exactly how far Mimi's driveway

is from my kitchen window.

Mimi is young and vivacious and, well... attractive.

But Leo, Mimi's husband, thinks all men,

are very attracted to his wife.

You'd think Leo would be happy...

Attractive wife, a lovely home and a successful

construction business.

But poor Leo was uncontrollably jealous.

He'd park down the street and watch the house

with binoculars.

He'd make surprise visits during the day.

He asked her to phone him at work if she wanted to go out.

One day, I saw Leo sitting across the street

with his binoculars, when a silver

Cadillac convertible pulled into the driveway.

Leo couldn't believe his eyes.

Was this his worst nightmare coming true?

He hoped that a woman would step out of the car.

But no such luck.

A tall, dark and handsome hunk of a man got out.

Leo tore at his hair.

Ding dong. The door opened.

Mimi smiled. The man stepped into the house.

The door closed.

[STEAM WHISTLES]

Just when Leo was about to bust a blood vessel,

the front door opens and Mimi and the hunk stepped out,

slipped into the Cadillac and drove away.

You should have seen Leo scramble to start up his motor.

Leo was sure Mimi was leaving him.

But all they did was drive around the block.

Mimi got out, and Mr. Stunning drove away.

For the next two days Leo camped out in the bushes

at the side of the house.

And he decided, if the man in the Cadillac showed up

...But nobody showed up.

On the third day, Leo went out pretending to go to work.

Smooch. Door closed.

Leo drove a block, snuck back to his hiding spot

in the bushes and before he could get the top off

his thermos of coffee, Gorgeous George showed up.

Leo had to crouch in order to peek in through the window.

Mimi was sitting at the table,

her back to the window and the hunk is standing close to her.

Leo is not about to stand by and watch this fellow

ruin his life!

Fortunately, Leo knew he couldn't really hurt the guy.

But he had a plan for doing the next best thing.

Leo got back to his car and drove to the construction site.

Within minutes he was on his way back home,

this time driving a huge cement truck.

Leo laughed when he saw that the shiny new car

was still in his driveway.

He backed the cement truck into the driveway

and aimed the cement spout into the front seat

of that Cadillac.

He felt pretty smug as he watched the entire car

fill up with wet cement.

Mimi and her handsome friend came racing out of the house

and couldn't believe what Leo had done.

Mimi started to cry.

In Leo's mind there was only one thing wrong with the picture.

It was the man who owned the Cadillac.

He should have been outraged.

Leo was ready for him to roll up his sleeves

and have it out.

But the man just stood there kind of casual,

shaking his head.

Mimi stopped crying long enough to say...

"Happy Birthday!"

and ran back into the house.

The man explained he was a car salesman and Mimi

had just purchased this car for her husband as

a birthday surprise.

He patted a fat envelope of thousand dollar bills

inside his jacket and said goodbye.

It's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

As for Leo, by the time he recovered from the shock,

the cement had hardened and the car,

to this day, is the largest lawn ornament on the block.

Oh yeah, uh...

Now just think, the next time you see me, it'll be on TV...

ROSIE: Look, Ted, Al left... the casting

sheet for that Bug spray commercial...

It says they need a roach and a maggot.

Hey...

A roach and a maggot?

A roach and a maggot??!

ROSIE: Where do they expect to find a pair like that?

M-A-U-R-I-C-E!!!!!!