Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

WOMAN: Oh, come on, Rosie, try it.

It's fun, you'll see.

ROSIE: Sounds fun.

WOMAN: You hold the balloon to your lips and

you suck in the helium.

LARRY: The old helium trick.

WOMAN: And when you speak, you'll sound like

some alien from outer space.

Go ahead, try it.

ROSIE: Alien from outer space, huh --

okay, here goes.

La, La, La, La

Hey Maurice. Shhhh...Quiet!

I think we've been invaded by

creatures from another planet.

[LAUGHS]

Creatures from another planet... right.

ROSIE: I am from the planet Xeron.

Take me to your leader.

You Earth creatures look strange.

Ahhh!

[LAUGHS]

Hey, how about tonight we do

freaky stories about aliens and ghosts

and spooky stuff, huh?

BELIEVER: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Jimmy.

June 12th 1975 it was, when Jimmy

learned he failed Grade Ten for the fourth time.

So he was not in a good mood for the

High School Disco dance.

Still, he maintained a solid, gold-chained,

polyester packin' delinquent-

in-a-cheap-white-suit persona in the face of adversity.

And he sure could disco dance.

Every girl in that high school fell in love with Jimmy

when they saw him shooting his cuffs

and strutting his stuff and the boys became real jealous:

especially Big Biff, the all-star fullback

who turned into an ape on the dance floor.

But then, Biff's honey, Suzi Q, cut in on Jimmy,

who took Suzi into his arms and lifted her over his head.

The girls screamed, Suzi beamed, and Biff belted Jimmy.

Kapow!

Jimmy fought back until the brawl was broken up

by the Vice- Principal.

Of course, Jimmy got tossed from the dance

and ended up thumbing his way home to the trailer park

on the outskirts of town. And that's when it happened.

At first he thought he saw a car racing along Route 66,

but then the headlights began to rotate and

change color in a fast, hypnotic pattern.

This was no ordinary car. It had no wheels.

And just as Jimmy was registering this fact

he was hit with "the light".

He came to in the middle of exploding mirror balls,

flashing plastic floors

and pulsating bass notes.

Jimmy was in the disco of his dreams.

At first, he was not real sure what happened.

Standing in a flashing neon archway was Kar-A-Me-A,

her three cinnamon eyes flashing,

chartreuse hair exploding in a gorgeous bouffant

and her light blue complexion accented with bright

splash of gold leaf eye shadow.

She was wearing six inch purple platform shoes

and she needed them since

Kar-A-Me-A was barely three foot-eight.

For the first time in his life Jimmy felt like a giant.

Kar-a-me-a winked her middle eye at him and sang:

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE TO MEET AND GREET

YOU CAN TELL BY THE WAY I MOVE MY FEET

I NEED SOME HELP WITH THIS EARTHLING BEAT

CAN YOU TEACH ME "THE HUSTLE"

THAT WOULD BE NEAT.

Her parents brought Jimmy to their space station on the

dark side of Mars to teach her to dance.

Jimmy couldn't have been happier.

He took Kar-A-Me-A out on the floor.

They danced for a week and, well, you know carbon-based

life form teenagers are all pretty subject

to emotional stuff.

So, it didn't take too long for Jimmy

and Kar-A-Me-A to be going steady and talking about

maybe even getting engaged.

Kar-a-me-a's parental centering unit were highly

advanced, but they were not prepared to let her marry him.

So, before you could say; "Zor blag zer- ob dev-oof",

Jimmy is laying in a ditch on Route 66.

Did Jimmy tell his tale so everybody could laugh?

No. Jimmy kept his mouth shut, got

a crew-cut, a library card and before you knew it,

he was topping the honour roll.

He went to university on an Air Force scholarship

and by twenty-five, James had a PH.D. in astrophysics

and was a top-rated flyer, chosen to be the astronaut on

Project Red Planet -

the first manned deep-space probe to Mars.

The first twelve months in the Red Planet Module

were uneventful, but on February 14th the RPM

passed behind Mars.

For three hours there was no communication

with the spaceship.

When the module came out from behind the Red Planet,

all that could be heard from the RPM was the soundtrack

of Saturday Night Fever.

And when the capsule splashed down in the South Pacific,

the RPM was empty except for a pair of purple,

pulsating woman's platform shoes.

Size one.

This was a true story,

it happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And James, I guess he had a close encounter

of the fourth kind...

love.

And now, kiddies, it's time to play Let's Scare Maurice.

Are you ready?

Maurice. Oh, Maurice. Where are you, Maurice?

Did you see them?

See who?

The aliens.

No not this time.

Not this time??? You mean you've seen them before?

What? You mean you've never been abducted by them...

for experiments?

No they wouldn't want...

They wouldn't want a maggot?

Are you kidding? On their planet, a maggot is

considered a delicacy.

They're not going to get me.

But Maurice? Maurice?

Don't you just love this?

Well here's another story --

and then, we'll play some more "Let's Scare Maurice".

TEENAGER BILLY: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine....

Bobby was an Army brat, so he kind of moved around a lot.

All the time, new school, new town, new friends.

But when he moved here, it was different.

When Bobby did the first-day-at-school thing --

you know, looking lonely, not knowing who to talk to --

a bunch of kids came over to help him.

They were ten years old, like Bobby,

but they wore the baggy clothes like they thought it

made them look real cool.

But nobody else even gave Bobby a "hello" or anything.

They say to Bobby that he has to pass some kind of initiation

if he wants to be in whatever they think they are.

Bobby says, he'll do it.

And they take him to the cemetery.

They tell him, a hundred years ago, some old guy went berserk

and got rid of his whole family.

And even though he was guilty, he had to have a trial.

The people in the town got themselves all worked up,

broke him out of jail and strung him up,

right from that tree --

and they pointed to the tree next to Bobby.

And, they buried him right here --

and they pointed to the grave next to the tree.

And what Bobby had to do for his initiation,

was come back into the cemetery at the stroke

of midnight, and take a long, scary looking knife,

and jam it right into the deadman's grave.

Bobby says, "Sure. No problem."

Well, it was one of those nights where the moon

was low in the sky.

And the clouds whooshed across the sky,

so all the shadows were fluttering and moving.

But Bobby was desperate to have friends.

So he went for it. He got to the grave.

He stood over it.

The shadows seemed to be creeping up on him.

And then he heard this real spooky kind of moan.

It froze him.

The moan got louder and wavier and weirder.

It was like coming from the grave.

Bobby figured it had to be the guys hiding

behind the tombstone trying to scare him.

But then, a big dark cloud moved in and seemed

to stop right in front of the moon.

It got really, really dark.

All he could see was the silhouette of the tombstone...

and a person... maybe.

He wasn't sure what it was.

But the howling was still going on.

Bobby pulled up all the bravery his ten year old body

could muster.

He crouched down over the grave, pulled the knife out

and plunged it deep into the earth.

He waited for something to happen. But it didn't.

Nothing. Just silence. He could go now.

He got up but something grabbed his leg.

He tried pulling away. But whatever it was held on.

It, he, the thing, the ghost, whatever,

was keeping him here at the grave.

Bobby screamed the longest, loudest scream

anyone ever heard.

[LOUD SCREAM]

That's when the other kids came out of hiding.

The dark cloud finally passed and the cemetery

was once again bathed in moonlight.

Bobby was sure glad he wasn't alone.

He started to tell the guys about the thing that

grabbed him from the grave.

They looked down and saw that when Bobby had

plunged the knife into the earth, he stuck it into

his pant leg and pinned it to the ground.

That was a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine... Bobby.

And a week later, he was back at the cemetery.

Only this time he was the one hiding behind the tombstone

and howling.

ROSIE: Good night, Ted.

I'm right behind you. I'll lock up.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Ooooooo...

spooky....scary....ooooo...

[LUAGHS] When Maurice shows up, I'll pretend to be an alien.

He's so stupid, he'll fall for it.

Oh, stupid am I?

Yeah, I'm stupid. Stupid like a fox.

Oh that Maurice. He's so gullable.

This is my best one yet.

Oh, oh! There it is!

Wait till Maurice sees me this helmet on.

Oh an alien.

Well how do you do Lar...

I mean Mr. Alien. It's so nice to meet you.

FIGURE: Come with me to my planet.

That's the nicest offer I've had all day.

I'd love to join you.

Just let me go and pack up a few things.

[KISS]

Bah! Bah! Ick! Ick!

Ow! Oof!

[GRUNTS]

Where's Maurice?

Oh well, we'll get him later.

Meanwhile, here's another Freaky Story.

Whoaa...

BOY SCOUT: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Puddle, the shortest scrawniest, puniest kid in our camp.

If you got him laughing too hard he'd piddle on himself.

If you got him scared, he'd piddle on himself.

If you hurt his feelings... you guessed it.

That's why we called him Puddle.

Baxter our tent leader knew too.

He thought it was hysterical when Puddle got scared

and wet himself.

Like on our last camping trip.

We went up to the camp grounds near the old power station.

We pitched our tents, made a fire, cooked hot dogs,

and pretty soon it was dark.

Time for campfire stories.

So we all climbed into our sleeping bags

and huddled around the fire.

Baxter told a true story about a farmer.

He used to own the land up where we were camping.

The farmer once lost a cow, when it didn't come

back from this very field,

he followed it's trail along the stream that

ran by the power plant.

Soon the farmer found himself wading in the stream.

It was getting darker, and he couldn't see

anything except a strange glow near the power station.

Soon there was the strange glow up ahead of him.

It was... his cow, floating towards him.

Dead and glowing an eerie yellow.

The cow stopped against a steel grate just behind

the power station.

And on the grate was a big radioactive warning sign.

The farmer checked his watch, and as he rolled up

his sleeve, his arm began to glow a yellow glow!

He had become the Glow Monster!

Baxter stuck out his hand in front of Puddle's face.

His arm was covered in a yellow glow.

Puddle screamed! Baxter laughed, and you can

guess what Puddle did...

right in his sleeping bag.

Baxter told everybody to go to sleep,

but we all wanted to know what happened to the farmer.

Everybody except Puddle,

who was trying to dry his sleeping bag

over the fire.

Baxter said he wandered the forests,

ripping off the arms of campers and eating

the glow-in-the-dark stuff from their watches.

He disappeared into his tent,

then called out and asked if anybody knew what time it was.

We all went to look at our watches,

but Puddle screamed,

wet the fresh jeans he just changed into,

and we decided it was better if we didn't look.

Somewhere in the dark

we heard Baxter laughing.

Around midnight, Baxter woke up to check the camp.

He clomped around the campsite,

and began to realize he didn't hear anything.

He checked the tents. There was nobody there.

He found an old dried stream bed, and followed it.

He called the kids' names and started to get

a little nervous.

Where were these kids?

It's dark out here and there really

did used to be a farmer who owned this land.

And the power plant really did

some weird experiments years ago.

Suddenly, Baxter turned the bend, and there,

in front of him was the grate.

With the rusted out radioactive warning sign.

And, there, about three feet off the ground

was a yellow glow.

And it was moving towards him!

Baxter froze. He knew then and there it was the farmer,

the Glow Monster!

Baxter ripped off his watch and held it out.

"Take it, take it", he cried.

"Just leave me my arms".

A yellow hand reached out and took his watch.

Then another glow appeared, and another and another.

Like little balls of light.

And it was deadly quiet, except for the sound of

water tinkling... or was it piddling?

All the light beams trained on Baxter and then

down at his feet.

And then Baxter heard the sound he dreaded most.

The sound of his campers laughing,

and Puddle laughing the loudest.

Hey, it's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Steve. We used to call him Puddle.

But not any more. We save that nickname for our camp leader.

I wonder where Maurice could...

I think I hear him coming.

Yi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i!!!!

Yi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i!!!!

Here's another Freaky Story.

8-YEAR OLD BOY: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Jerry.

I guess he saw too many episodes of Space Base Mars,

because sometimes you just gotta ask yourself,

is it Paranormal -- or am I just Paranoid?

He had this crazy idea there was a monster

hiding everywhere.

One evening Jerry was taking his dog Leonard, for a walk.

When he went by that creepy old house on Mulberry street,

he peeked into the basement window.

He wasn't a peeping Tom or nothing,

but what he saw froze him dead in his tracks.

The cellar was splattered in dripping fresh blood!

Suddenly the door of the house opened.

Jerry and Leonard ducked down in the bushes.

The guy was dressed in a tuxedo and a black silk cape.

Just like in the movies!

Jerry fell in the dirt when he realized,

this guy wasn't just a killer...

He was... a blood sucking VAMPIRE!

Jerry and Leonard crawled out and started trailing him.

The Vampire went down the hill, dragging

his big old suitcase.

But they lost him when he got on the Cross-town Bus.

Jerry could have gotten on with him,

but dogs weren't allowed and Leonard was, well...

a dog.

So they went home.

Next night, Jerry brought Mickey and Pete.

Mickey borrowed his Dad's camera.

They were going to get a picture of the Vampire's

"Butchering Room". Then they'd be famous.

Slowly, they made their way to the cellar window.

The curtains were shut. But they heard this creepy wet,

'chopping' sound.

Something was going on down there all right.

A little while later,

the door opened and the Vampire stepped out,

dragging his suitcase.

Mickey was going to take the guy's picture but

Jerry stopped him.

Everyone knew that you couldn't take

a picture of a Vampire.

They'd turn out invisible.

Besides, the flash would give them away.

The Vampire walked down the hill.

That's when Pete whispered,

"Hey, I know that guy. That's Mister Alucard,

the Head Waiter at the swanky restaurant 'cross-town.

He's not a Vampire.

Everyone at that restaurant wears a tuxedo."

Mickey was ticked.

"The guy's a waiter?

You dragged me down here to get a picture of a waiter?"

It was getting late, so Mickey and Pete headed home.

Some friends they were.

"He is a Vampire!"

But the guys kept walking.

Jerry hopped the next bus and got off

outside the restaurant.

It was getting late and Jerry didn't really have a plan

so he waved down a police car.

The police men asked what he wanted.

"There's a maniac Vampire in there!"

The police decided to check it out.

"Good Eeeevening. I bid you welcome..."

It was the Vampire.

"That's him!"

Jerry flashed the Vampire with his camera.

The officers quieted him down

so they could talk to the Vampire...

who answered all their questions.

Of course he wasn't really a Vampire.

He wore the tuxedo because he worked there.

And he made the house specialty, some sorta

tomato juice from a secret recipe in his

basement at home.

Jerry told the men he was sorry and the police left.

Mister Alucard offered Jerry a glass of tomato juice.

Jerry took a little sip.

He sprayed the juice across the room.

"This ain't tomato juice!"

"No. It's vegetable juice!! Extra spicy."

Jerry took another sip.

"Y'know. It's not bad"

Then he finished his drink and went home.

It's a true story.

Happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Oh yeah. Mickey's Dad took the film in to get developed.

When he got it back from the photo place,

there was nobody in the picture.

FIGURE: You will come with me to my planet.

LARRY: No, no! Mr. Space Man. You don't want me.

I'm boring. A maggot is what you want.

Yah a maggot.

Shhh...here he comes.

FIGURE: Maggot. Maggot. Maggot.

You go on get outta here! Go go go!

Well, Maurice they still want you.

Oh great, I am more than ready to go.

Really?

[SPACESHIP SOUNDS / LARRY GASPS]

[MAURICES LAUGHS]

Okay Larry don't you think this joke has gone far enough.

I happen to know that you are the alien.

Ha! Ha! I'm not so dumb after all.

Oh you're right Maurice,

there's no way I could fool you.

That's right Larry

Say... If you are Larry then...

WAAAAAAAAA

Bye, Maurice!

LARRY: Tune in next week... see what happened to Maurice.

[EVIL ALIEN LAUGHTER]