Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

LARRY: Hey! How're ya doin'?

We've got some real Freaky Stories for you.

They're what you could call snazzy...

which is how some people look.

Ah - Here comes an example about which I am talking.

ROSIE: Hey Babs! Sit. Take a load off.

Love your hat.

BABS: Thanks. Hats are coming back.

Everything comes back. Pity, huh?

See what I mean?

Fashion.

The dumbest thing ever invented by you-know-who --

right, man.

The same man that invented atomic waste,

oat meal and disco music, also invented

spike heels and the bolo tie.

And now they want you to look like those super models --

oh man . . .

if they're so super, how come they can't afford

a decent meal? Huh?

I hate fashion.

I want you to give me a makeover.

[LAUGHS]

Who could resist the challenge?

Right after this Freaky Story.

A MOM: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

I was Miss Alabaster 1943,

my grandmother was Miss Swanee 1918 and all of my girls

hold crowns too.

But this girl, Anne-Marie took the whole thing to an extreme.

It takes a lot to make a runway champion.

Hard work, good grooming, excellent smiles and

good, old-fashioned desire to win.

And Anne-Marie had all this and more.

She tripped another toddler to grab

Miss Tiny Toddle Tots '83.

She stole another girl's gown to win Miss Junior Missy '88.

She'd do anything to get the satin sash.

But mostly, she'd diet.

Beauty queens tend to be on the slim-side, that's true.

But Anne-Marie'd nearly starve herself to death.

She'd eat half a grape for breakfast

and smell a tuna-melt for lunch.

Anne-Marie insisted she needed to lose at least

another five pounds for the Pageant.

So Anne-Marie did what any mother warned against

and started popping diet pills.

And not just any diet pills, mind you.

These were the real black market kind.

You know, lose ten pounds in ten days!

No exercise! No dieting!

Each pill was a weird yellow capsule

the size of your thumb.

It was kind of squooshy, with little holes in it,

but Anne-Marie didn't care.

She'd win the crown if it killed her.

She started on three pills a day and followed the instructions,

which said not to drink any liquids.

In four days she lost the five pounds she'd wanted

and hardly felt sick.

Oh sure, she was thirsty, but so what.

If she lost another five she'd be a shoo-in, right?

She started popping the pills ten at a time...

and not a drop to drink.

She was weak with sickness by pageant day.

Everybody around her offered her food and water,

but she refused.

Her knees were wobbly and her head felt like she'd

just been in a centrifuge.

But once she hit the lights and saw the crowd,

Anne-Marie walked the walk like a trooper.

She was gorgeous and slim... really slim.

Her mouth felt like the Sahara Desert,

but all she had to do was hold on until she won.

The whole audience roared in a unanimous decision.

They rose in a standing ovation as she donned

the crown and strolled down the runway.

Anne-Marie was half-way through her victory walk

when her nerves finally got the best of her and

she started to hiccup.

One of the judges ran out with a cup of water.

But Anne-Marie was not about to give in now.

And as they were reading off all the prizes she won,

the hiccupping got worse and worse.

Anne-Marie had to try a sip of water, no matter what

the instructions on the pill bottle said.

But one taste of the water and all resistance was gone.

Anne-Marie gulped down cup after cup after cup.

Too bad black market pills don't have to

list their ingredients.

If they did, this bottle would have said the

diet pills were actually microbe sponges.

And you know what sponges do when they soak up water.

Anne-Marie blew up like a balloon...

a water balloon.

Everything popped --

her dress zipper, every clasp and every button gave way

as the tiny sponges inside her body soaked up the water.

The embarrassed Miss Total Universe managed

a few waddles, and then rolled the rest of the way

into the wings.

Yes, it was a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Anne-Marie still tours the pageants but now

she hits the gym instead of the pharmacy.

She's pumping up to be

the Next Miss Mighty Muscles.

Ready? Here we go.

Our first makeover candidate --

I feel so Sally Jessie Rafael.

Here's Maurice!

[CHEWING] Yum ... that was yummy!

Roll it in, boys. Okay ... that's just fine.

Wow! This is great.

We're gonna start your makeover with the hair.

I don't have any hair.

You coulda fooled me. Duh!

Now I want you to stick that...

that... that...

Face?

If that's what you call it --

right here.

Thank-you, thank-you very much.

Next.

Too much hair.

No ... too little hair.

'too little'hair, what do you mean?

It's not covering your face.

Bada-boom!

Next!

I look like a floor mat.

That would be an improvement.

Next!

This I like. I think this works.

Nothing works. You're too disgusting.

You think?

[HACKS UP PHLEGM]

BABS: Okay, Rosie, I'll have the diet special,

I have to lose six pounds before Saturday.

We're gonna put you on a diet.

You're not gonna want to miss this.

HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Her name was Cindy.

Not only was she head cheerleader, Class of '63,

dating the captain of the football team,

and the prettiest girl at Smalltown High;

she had the biggest, blondest, baddest Beehive

Hairdo anyone had ever seen!

And every other girl at Smalltown High

was green with envy.

Yeah, Cindy's life was pretty much perfect.

Or, so everyone thought.

You see keeping a Beehive looking perfect was hard work.

But the real problem was that Cindy was lazy.

Instead of washing her hair and resetting it from scratch.

She'd just shellac it with a complicated mixture

of Plutonium Hydroxide and Glue.

Then sealed it with a little hairspray.

Her mother had warned her of the consequences

of not washing her hair.

But Cindy didn't listen.

All that mattered to Cindy was that nobody could tell

the difference.

Even after her hair began to take on the properties

of tempered steel.

Everything seemed fine until Cindy's senior year.

When she began to get these... headaches.

These throbbing, PULSING, POUNDING HEADACHES!!!

But -- they would always pass.

Besides, no headache was going to interfere

with the goal Cindy had worked towards,

her entire high school career...

to be crowned Miss Teen Queen 1963...

at the Smalltown High Prom.

Soon the most important night of Cindy's life had arrived.

There she stood on the gymnasium stage,

all eyes on her, as the Miss Teen Queen '63 crown

was lowered onto that golden spire of hers.

A hush fell over the crowd,

as Cindy stepped up to the microphone.

Mmm-hmm!

[CHOKING]

[SCREEEEEAAAAM!]

Her headache had returned.

And this time... more painful than ever!

She fell to the floor, writhing in agony,

clawing and pounding at her Beehive.

Screaming, "Help! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

Paramedics raced to the scene, but were

unable to relieve the hysterical girl.

Without a moment to spare, they rushed Cindy to the Hospital.

There, her Beehive was immediately X-Rayed

to locate the problem.

But to no avail. The Rays couldn't penetrate that "do".

"We've got to get inside that 'Do!" the doctor exclaimed.

Regular surgical instruments just wouldn't cut it.

Cindy's Beehive had become an impenetrable block.

Heat resistant and shatterproof.

[CLANG!]

The doctor could see that Cindy couldn't take much more.

So, as a last resort, he called for the experimental,

high speed, diamond tipped, XP- 9000 Surgical Saw.

"Stand Back!" he yelled, as the saw sliced through

that Beehive, like a hot knife through butter.

Her solidified tresses crashed to the floor.

Cindy's Beehive was completely hollow!

The surgical team peered in for a closer look.

And what they saw then, made their blood run cold.

A sight so horrific, so terrifying,

that it is etched in their memories to this very day!

Crawling out from the hollow center of Cindy's Beehive

were spiders!

Hundreds of big, black, UGLY, HAIRY, SPIDERS!

[SCREEEEAAM!]

Hey. It's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Oh, you still see Cindy around.

She's easy to recognize. She's the one with the brushcut.

Hey Folks...

Let's see how Maurice is doing on his diet...

[SLOVENLY CHEWING]

Oh Maurice... Can't you cut down on food?

Larry you know I tried. I really tried.

You know how smokers use the

nicotine patch to stop.

You tried a food patch?

That's right. I taped a piece of pork rind to my side.

Did it reduce your craving to eat?

Oh yeah. Sure did...

after I ate it.

We'll have to go with a sauna.

We have a sauna?

Oh yah... go on and we have a

pastrami steamer.

Well you just go. Go on!

And I'll let you know when you're done!

[LAUGHS] Right after this!

BUTLER JEEVES: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Godfrey.

He's the butler at the other mansion on Snob Hill.

Miss Emily, returning for a weekend holiday,

brought with her, torn blue jeans,

chewing gum and a young man.

Yes, correct, a young man.

I understand Madam... that would be Emily's mother,

was obliged to take to her room,

feeling faint and disoriented.

Emily's father called his physician to have his

blood pressure checked,

fearing an impending apoplectic fit.

You see, the young man, named Charles,

had absolutely no pedigree at all.

And he was quite aware of the consternation

he had wrought upon the folks on Snob Hill.

Graciously, he offered to leave.

But Miss Emily insisted he stay, fully convinced

Charles could fit right in, if he really tried.

So the chap placed a phone call to inform his parents

of his plans.

They were not home, so he left a message on their

answer machine.

If his parents had been at home, Charles would have been

spared the most embarrassing experience of his young life.

Well, this Charles fellow, was quite

infatuated with Miss Emily.

He would do just about anything to impress her parents.

And Miss Emily was determined to have the young man

overcome the objections of her family.

Unbeknownst to her parents, she slipped

into their quarters and took one her father's

dinner jackets.

And, Charles did look quite presentable,

except his fly was open.

As they all entered the dining room,

Godfrey stood his post by the door.

And upon spying the undone zipper, he attempted to

signal the young man.

He raised an eyebrow and lowered his eyes.

Charles assumed Godfrey was being friendly.

So he wiggled his eyebrows,

thinking he was returning the greeting.

The dinner chat seemed to move along without

any major disturbance.

Charles was questioned about his future,

which had something to do with saving rain forests

and so on.

He was asked about his family and its lineage.

His story had something to do with his ancestors

coming to the country on a freight boat and working hard

and other things with which Miss Emily's family

was not familiar.

Godfrey was impressed with the young man's spunk and

fortitude, enduring the questioning

and never faltering.

So Godfrey, simply trying to be helpful mind you,

seized an opportunity to tell Charles about

the zipper problem while he was dispensing the soup.

He leaned over, wielding the ladle and taurine in a most

professional manner, yet able to whisper in Charles' ear,

"Your fly, sir, is open."

And with the most subtle of moves Charles managed

to zip up his fly without anyone at the table noticing.

And as the meal wound down to its conclusion,

and the creme brulee was being served by Cook,

Godfrey informed Charles he had a phone call.

His mother, having received his message, was on the line.

Charles excused himself, rose from the table

and started toward the dining room doors,

taking the tablecloth with him. And with the table cloth,

all the china, silverware and crystal, not to mention,

the creme brulee.

The young man, much to his chagrin,

had caught the table cloth in his zipper.

Creme brulee here, creme brulee there,

creme brulee everywhere.

That was a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Charles has never returned to Snob Hill,

even though all his pants these days have a button fly.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, won't be long...

[MAURICE GROANS]

I was in the steamer, taking a nap on the pastrami,

when Ted decides he needs it finished right away.

Oh, no! He didn't! Not --

The MICROWAVE.

You were zapped?

Twelve minutes on high.

But you look... okay, considering you're you.

Oh yah ... you think I look okay?

Yeah.

Watch this.

BABS: Hey, Rosie...

ROSIE: It happens when Ted uses

the electric fryer and hair dryer at the same time.

LARRY: Maurice, you look better already.

And folks, if you think this is freaky?

Just take a look at our next Freaky Story.

CLUELESS OBSERVER: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine. Janice.

She's so cool... and she loovvves clothes.

She had different outfits for different classes,

lounge wear for study hall,

cruise wear for school trips,

and her Paris collection for French class.

Nobody could keep up with her wardrobe.

Until Tessa showed up at school.

Tessa had even more clothes than Janice.

It didn't take long for the clothes rivalry

to be established.

Kids waited every day to see what each of them was wearing.

And one day they both showed up at school

wearing the same outfit!

Their eyes locked they just stared.

And then they walked towards each other,

like gunfighters in a cowboy movie.

Only much better dressed.

One of them was going to pay.

Tessa reached out and pulled a loose thread off Janice's top.

And then Janice reached over, and pulled

a loose thread off Tessa's top and said,

"nice outfit".

And Tessa said, "nice outfit".

And they just walked past each other like nothing happened.

Things were different from that day on.

It was now an all out fashion battle.

It was blouses, vests, tank tops, bell bottoms,

high heels, low heels, strapless, backless,

thigh high, ankle length war.

But that was nothing compared to what happened the day

one of those TV fashion shows was coming to our school

to do a story about high school fashion.

Janice was going to go to a dressmaker and have

a special gown made, practically the night before.

No chance that something like that could get copied.

And it was a great plan, too.

Except Tessa had the same plan.

The day before the TV crew showed up,

she ended up at the same dressmaker who was just

basting Janice's dress.

When Tessa saw that dress, she had to have it.

She offered the dressmaker more than five times what

Janice paid, so naturally, the dressmaker took it.

She didn't know anything about Tessa and Janice's feud.

The poor dressmaker got back to basting the dress,

when Janice came in and snatched it away from her.

She begged Janice to give her another hour,

because she still had to sew it.

No way.

By that time Tessa would have stepped before the camera

and Janice wasn't going to allow herself to be scooped.

Not on TV, that's for sure.

So there was the whole school in the auditorium.

The TV crew showed up.

Lights, camera, a reporter all ready to go.

The reporter called out "roll tape!"

Suddenly, from the rear entrance, Janice emerged.

And at the exact same time, Tessa came in from the hall.

Both girls were wearing coats.

Step by step, inch by inch,

until they were standing nose to nose in the

centre of the stage.

As if on cue, each unbuttoned her coat,

and with a lightning fast movement, they were off.

A gasp went through the crowd.

They were both wearing the same dress.

It was clear, that something had to give.

Would they scratch each other's eyes out on national TV?

Then, as if on cue,

Tessa reached over to Janice's shoulder,

and Janice reached for Tessa's.

It was going to get physical.

But no.

Each simply grabbed at a loose thread

hanging off each other's dress.

Still smiling, they each said, "nice outfit",

and tugged at the thread.

And with that casual pull, the stitches in both dresses

unravelled, and Tessa and Janice were left

holding long pieces of thread --

while their dresses lay in pieces on the floor.

This is a true story.

Happened to friends of a friend of mine,

Tessa and Janice.

You know, the grungers who wear the same overalls

and shirts to school every day.

Ahhh... [KISS]

Fortunately, I myself don't need any improvement.

I mean ... oh...Look at those eyes, ah?

I mean -- exquisite.

And that nose.

A classic.

Yep! All in all, I am really

quite...

AHHH! Uggggh!!

UGLY!

[CHUCKLES]