Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

LARRY: Hey. How're you doin'?

This episode of Freaky Stories is about animals.

P.T. Barnum did great things with animals.

But who did the most was Siegfried and Roy.

Who used to be known as Siegfried and Roy and Larry.

ROSIE: Hey-Hey-Hey! No dogs allowed!

MAN: C'mon, he's cute.

LARRY: I hate dogs, 'cause dogs are dumb.

[DOG WHIMPERS]

ROSIE: Get him outta here!

Now, where was I...

[MAURICE FARTS]

Gee....I wonder who that could be.

Oh...so how's it goin'?

I'm gonna give you a little taste of my old act.

And make Maurice disappear.

Wow...how are you going to do that?

¶ [SPOOKY MUSIC] ¶

GET OUTTA HERE!!!

[MAURICE SCREAMS]

Eh? Eh? Hahaha!!

Okay. Tonight, I'm gonna present

the greatest animal act ever seen...

right after this. Like on those

Hot Edition and Inside Story kind of shows.

"Right after this" means, "At the very, very end."

TEENAGE GIRL: This is like a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine at school.

Her name is Lizzie and she's like the most popular girl

in the ninth grade and she's like one of my best friends

even though I don't hang around her all that much

'cause I'm waaay too busy.

Lizzie and some of her other friends spend

most of their time kinda standing around giggling

and talking about boys and all

the parties they go to and the cool clothes they wear.

But Lizzie can't talk to them once she gets home 'cause

she like has no phone of her own.

Her parents said if she wanted her own phone she was

going to have to work to pay for it. Ugh!

So, anyways, one day I hear that Lizzie has to babysit.

What ever! And the kid she has to take care of is my

next door neighbor, the little monster, Jeffrey.

(I would have had the job except I'm waaaaaay too busy.)

So, okay, like the night comes and Lizzie goes over

to their house.

She rings the doorbell and

Jeffrey's dad answers the door.

All of a sudden this big dog comes running up to

Lizzie and starts slobbering all over

her new babysitting outfit.

Jeffrey's dad is apologizing and saying he hopes

Lizzie doesn't mind dogs. "Oh, no!" says Lizzie.

"I love animals... especially dogs --

and don't worry, I don't mind if Mookie drools all over me,

it's just saliva, it'll wash out."

Boy, she must really want that phone!

So, then Jeffrey's mom tells Lizzie that little Jeffy is

asleep upstairs.

And they leave.

As soon as the door closes, bam!

Lizzie is on the phone with her best friend, Marcia,

and they're like gossiping and exchanging hair-do hints.

So, here's Lizzie, talking on the phone to Marcia,

while every five seconds Mookie the dog jumps up

and slobbers all over her.

Marcia gets bored with the all the phone talk.

So Lizzie turns on an old movie,

a really sad one and she's balling her eyes out

while Mookie, el doggo slobberino, is running

in and out of the doggie door.

Suddenly, Lizzie looks over and sees Mookie,

standing in a corner, shaking a stuffed animal.

He's like really going at it... in the corner...

next to an empty rabbit cage.

Funny, she never noticed that

EMPTY RABBIT CAGE!!!

It's not a stuffed animal in Mookie's mouth,

but like a real live rabbit!

Okay, a dead rabbit.

Lizzie is like really upset.

"This is awful!"

But Lizzie doesn't panic.

She has an idea.

"Give me the rabbit, Mookie."

But he's like still shaking the bunny,

saliva and rabbit fur going everywhere.

Lizzie takes a box of dog biscuits and empties it

on the floor in front of Mookie who drops the rabbit

and starts gobbling.

Lizzie can't let anyone know she let the stupid dog

eat their rabbit...

it was probably little Jeffy's Easter Bunny.

So she grabs the dead thing --

eeeeuuuwww, disgusting,

and washes it up really good.

A little hair dryer action, a once- over with

a teasing comb and, the bunny looks almost like new.

Well, except for the one missing FOOT.

Oh well, I guess that rabbit's foot wasn't so lucky!

Lizzie puts the rabbit back in THE CAGE like nothing

ever happened and she starts

rehearsing what she's going to say...

"I was just sitting there on the couch

reading a book when I heard the bunny keel over.

Plop! Poor little creature died peacefully in its sleep."

Just then Jeffrey's mom and dad walk in.

"How did everything go tonight, Lizzie?" they ask.

"Oh, good,

except for like one little thing..." says Lizzie.

And just then...

[SCREAM!]

Turns out, Fluffy...

that's the rabbit's name, died the week before

and they buried it in their backyard.

[SOBBING]

This is a true story....

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Oh Lizzy? She got her phone.

Made the money working in a pet store...

grooming animals.

Oh yeah, I know,

I probably insulted all you dog lovers out there.

But lemme tell you something -- cat lovers are even worse...

What the... !!!

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

This mouse here it's a TOY!

Your cat is so dumb, it thinks it's REAL!

Hey! What is that smell?

And another thing about cats...

Ooo... I like you. Yah, I really-

really do like you.

[LARRY GIGGLES]

I loaded the mouse with roach-nip...

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...

We'll be back after this next Freaky Story.

COMPANY EXECUTIVE: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Peterson, in Dutroniun sales.

He happened to take off a few days

with his family to one of the new tourist areas

on Rigal 6.

Me, give me a week baking on Mars.

That's my idea of a vacation.

This Rigal 6 place is so new,

it's barely on the interplanetary map.

So the Petersons, their two kids, Jr. and Melody,

and their mutt, Fifi, which they take everywhere --

caught a charter to Rigal 6.

Nobody knew all that much about the Rigellians.

But from what I heard,

they weren't like other extraterrestrials.

They had a single compound eye and oversized skulls.

But their cuisine was getting known all over the galaxy.

Peterson takes his rental pod, piles his brood inside,

and heads out for Chez Rigal.

Well, when they get to the door,

the maitre d' tells them that they're more than welcome,

but that old Fifi just isn't allowed into the restaurant.

So, it seems poor Peterson and

his clan are going to have to leave without eating.

Just as they're walking out, the maitre d' runs after them.

It seems he'd felt badly for his guests,

and he offered to let them have dinner at the restaurant.

Peterson was mighty grateful, because the kids were

starting to get cranky, and he really didn't want

to drive around a strange planet looking

for a restaurant at this time of night.

But what about old Fifi?

Well, says the maitre d',

because you've come from so far,

and you did have a reservation, I'll have some of

the kitchen staff look after him while you eat.

The kids weren't so sure, but Peterson was starving,

so he said fine by me, and handed

the leash over to the maitre d' who led Fifi

back to the kitchen.

The Peterson clan poured over this huge menu,

but the waiter insisted they try the

specialty of the house.

The kids would have like a Rigelburger,

but Mrs. Peterson, said what the heck, when on Rigel

do what the Rigellians do.

Peterson was a bit suspicious,

and wanted to know what was in it.

A secret, said the waiter, but he promised it would be

very fresh, very very fresh.

After complimentary hors d'oeuvres,

the waiter wheeled in a large covered tureen,

and whisked off the lid revealing a bubbling blue stew.

Even though it looked pretty odd, everybody had to admit

it smelled very tasty.

Mrs. Peterson was dying to know what was in it.

Our chef's secret ingredient,

was all the waiter said.

And with that he ladled out a bowlful to each Peterson.

The blue stuff bubbled away in their bowls with

chunks of... something...

occasionally rising to the surface.

Finally, Peterson dipped his spoon into the stew

and took a tentative taste.

Then another. Then another.

And then he dove into it.

And the others decided to give it a try.

They snorfled, and guzzled.

And it wasn't long before they all were clambering for more.

Mr. Peterson dipped the ladle into the tureen and began to

serve another bowl to Junior.

This time, there was a strange clunk

as the stew hit the bowl.

Junior dipped his spoon into the bowl and fished out

a long blue strip of meat.

He started to gnaw on it, but it was tough as leather.

And it wasn't blue anymore. It was red.

Red leather. Just like Fifi's collar!

And it had a name tag on it. -- "Fifi"!

How did that get into the stew?

The Petersons looked at the collar, hanging

out of Jr's mouth.

They all gagged, ran for the door,

and sped away into the night.

In the kitchen, Nigel and the maitre d' shook their heads.

A waiter came rushing in,

asking for the house specialty.

Sorry, said the chef, no more secret ingredient left.

Then he saw a paw sticking out from under a table.

He pulled it.

And there was Fifi!

I don't suppose you have anymore of

that red leather, said the chef.

Fifi just looked up and gave the chef a big slobbery lick

on his one eyebrow.

That is a true story.

Happened to a friend of

a friend of mine. Peterson in sales.

And now when his family vacations

they take their own food.

And leave the dog at home.

I haven't felt like this

since I did that bug spray commercial.

ROSIE: No -- dogs -- allowed.

What's wrong with you?

MAN: Aw, but he's hungry.

ROSIE: So feed him... OUTSIDE!!!

Dogs! What do they give you besides

ticks and carpet stains?

Oh, yeah...right...love.

If anybody else slobbered their discusting spit

all over the...

place.

If you think that's discusting then

wait till you see our next story.

And don't forget coming right up...

my unbelievable animal act.

OUTDOORSMAN JACK: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

His name was Bud and he was one of those big game

hunters, you know?

Some people think that sorta thing's cruel,

but I tell ya...

Bud'd stare the biggest polar bear down, face to face.

He'd wrestle alligators just for fun.

Why he'd wander into a den of lions and not even flinch.

But when it came to the smallest little spider,

he'd turn into a quivering mould of Jello.

[WHIMPERS]

Now Bud was on safari in Africa, in the thickest jungle.

He'd been trailing a white tiger all day with

nothing but a Bowy knife when he set up camp for the night.

He was just drifting off, lying right

on the African dirt,

when the ugliest, hairiest little beetle kind of bug

crawled right up the side of his head and

gnawed its way into his left ear.

Bud went balmy.

He was running all over camp jamming his finger in his ear

trying to get the bug out.

Bud could feel the earwig pincing away at his eardrum.

By the time they got him to the clinic in

the nearby village,

Bud's eyes were spinning round in his head.

The doctor took one look in his ear and shook his head.

There was nothing he could do.

The bug'd got in too far.

Any attempt to extract it could lead to

permanent brain damage.

Bud might just have to live with it scurrying round

in there for the rest of his life.

Unless....

There was this old witch doctor at the

edge of the jungle.

Bud's hunter friends

dragged him to a little hut down the end of a dark dirt road.

The witch doctor was standing in the

door of his weird old shack.

He was ready to go to work and he looked like he was

going to enjoy it.

He started by getting Bud's buddies to tie him down

on this bamboo bed.

They bound his arms and legs and strapped his head still,

one ear facing up, while the witch doctor mashed up a

bunch of bug larva he'd poured out of a rusty old tin can.

Bud cringed as the witch doctor added little bits of

dead moth wings and ground caterpillars.

The old man started spooning the stuff right into his ear.

Bud could feel the mashed stuff oozing down in there,

all cold and slimy filling every nook and cranny

right up to his brain.

The witch doctor said the smell of the dead insects

would FLUSH the earwig out of there.

But it didn't work.

The witch doctor was about ready to give up.

Maybe the bug ought to just stay inside....

But Bud wouldn't hear of it.

He didn't care what the old man had to try next,

he'd go with it.

So the witch doctor started searching around

the dirt floor of his hut until he found

what he was looking for.

The biggest, meanest male African earwig

anyone had ever seen.

The witch doctor tied this long piece of hair round

the earwig's head and then carried him to Bud's ear.

Bud yelled and squirmed around.

The witch doctor held on to the little thread til

he felt the male earwig stop, waited til he found his mate,

then pulled the thread with all his might.

Bud shrieked in agony as the male earwig came catapulting

out of his ear...

holding the female earwig in his long creepy legs.

[SHRIEK OF PAIN]

Bud was relieved, ready to go,

ready to forget about the bugs and get on with his hunting

when suddenly he remembered.

The earwig had crawled into his left ear

and was yanked out of his right.

The witch doctor shrugged with a smile.

That always happened with the females.

They like to burrow right deep inside the head

to lay their eggs in the brain.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Oh, Bud survived, his hearing improved and, yes,

if he stands sideways, you can see right through his head.

Coming right up really-really soon,

my incredible animal act. But first...

What?

Well Larry...

Yes?

Why do you have to use a stranger? Use me.

What kind of tricks can you do?

[MAURICE BELCHES]

Besides that.

Well trust me. Okay? Introduce me.

Alright.

Alright, here we go -- And now I present

Maurice.

Ta-daaaa...

Uh... Maurice, sit.

I am sitting.

Can you beg?

Well I can, but its not very dignified.

Maurice you are... fired!

No. Please, please Larry don't fire me, see I'm begging.

Get out of here, go on.

BEAUTY SHOP STYLIST: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Tuesday at two.

That's what I called her 'cause that's when

she'd come in to see me, for her wash and set.

Now Tuesday at Two didn't have much of a life.

I could tell by the way she dragged herself around

and talked about her husband's ailments and medications.

And unhappy people are not big tippers.

So, one Tuesday, she was on her way here,

when she heard a tiny noise and noticed

the cutest little kitten.

Tuesday at Two felt sorry for the little thing

so she scooped it up.

The kitten snuggled up to her and started to purr

so Tuesday decided to keep it.

She and her husband, they took this little kitty in

and loved it to bits.

I mean who doesn't love a kitty?

And this little fella was adorable.

But he didn't have much of a tail,

just this little bobbed thing.

So they decided to call him Bob!

Bob changed Tuesday's life I can tell you that!

She came in here laughing with a real spring in her step.

She even got me to put a little colour in her hair!

She chattered on and on about Bob and how cute

he was and how he liked to sleep on her pillow, and

jump in the laundry basket when she was folding clothes.

She told me that her grumpy old husband

had fallen in love with the kitty too!

I wish I could say they all lived happily after,

but I'd be telling you a fib.

Here's what happened.

Well the kitty started exploring and managed

to get himself stuck up in a big old tree where

Mr. and Mrs. Tuesday couldn't reach him.

They tried to tempt Bob with kitty treats but the kitty

just climbed higher and higher.

Now Mr. and Mrs. Tuesday at Two

weren't going to climb a tree!

No sir, they put a high value on their bones!

Tuesday was just about to call 911 when her hubby

said he had an idea and ran off to get some rope.

I admit, it was a pretty good idea.

They were going to try to lasso the end of the branch

where the kitten was sleeping,

and pull it down towards the ground.

That way Bob would easily be within their reach!

After a few tries,

the lasso finally got around the branch.

The old dears had to pull and pull on the rope

with all of their might in order to make it move.

Bit by bit

the branch came closer and closer to the ground.

The plan was definitely going to work!

But their strength ran out at the exact moment Bob

was in reach.

They both let go of that rope at the same time!

That branch snapped back with all the force of nature

behind it and the cat was catapulted, through the air!

It soared way out of sight.

And once more Tuesday's life was changed,

but this time for the worse.

She stopped smiling.

She even stopped getting her hair done.

Now this next part you're not going to believe.

But you'd better, because like I said, it's true.

Stay with me now...

A few weeks later when Tuesday at Two was in

the grocery store doing a little shopping,

she found herself roaming

up and down the catfood aisle thinking about

the good times and that's where she bumped into Doris,

a friend of hers, who lived out in the country.

Tuesday didn't see much of her since she moved

from the neighbourhood.

Nothing spectacular I admit, except that Doris was

buying cat food and as far as Tuesday knew

Doris didn't have a cat!

"Doris, " she said, "you don't have a cat."

"I do now, " Doris answered.

And she proceeded to tell Tuesday at Two the story

of how she came to own a cat.

One afternoon she was in her garden,

doing a little pruning and snipping some roses.

When the most beautiful little kitten fell right from the sky

into her basket!

"I call him Mr. Stubbs because he doesn't have

much of a tail".

It was such a shock to Tuesday at Two that she

staggered backwards and fell right into a big pyramid

of kitty litter knocking the whole display over.

[CRASH!]

Oh she didn't die or anything,

not that she didn't want to.

Mr. Stubbs and Bob were one and the same cat

and Tuesday knew it!

It's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Tuesday at Two'll be here any minute,

you can ask her yourself!

Ladies and gentlemen, and children of all ages,

feast your eyes on Larry's World Famous Flea Circus.

Drum roll, please.

[DRUM ROLL]

Luther and Augustus will perform on the high wire.

Go ahead, boys.

¶ [CIRCUS MUSIC] ¶

Amazing.

And now, Ernesto will leap in the air and onto

the cracker and launch Marguerite aloft.

ROSIE: That's it. I'm calling the cops.

LARRY: Hey!!! This is a diner. People eat here.

ROSIE: Next time I see that dog, I'm turning it into

a door mat.

Marguerite, are you --

[GASP!] Marguerite!!!

She's gone! They're all gone!

My act!!!

The dog!!! They left me for the dog!

The dog stole my act!

Hey! Pooch...come back with my act...