Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

LARRY: Hey... how're you doin'?

Uh... gotta get this over with quick.

You see...

I've got a date.

Hello beautiful!!

Her name is Suzanne.

Oh... she lives in the dumpster in back of

Chez Elegante... oh real classy.

And Suzanne she is a looker.

Big brown eyes, a figure you can't believe

and a set of feelers...

Oh baby!

Personality? Sense of humor?

Intelligence? Get Real! [LAUGHS]

The most important thing in life is... uh...

Looks!

Larry, Larry, Larry, Oh Larry???

What? What?

This beautiful roach left this for you.

What?

I should get danger pay for being so close to

this part of Maurice.

[LAUGHS]

Hold on...

Dear Larry, Sorry I can't make it tonight,

but I'm going out with Sidney...

[LAUGHS] Hey, everybody! Larry got stood up!

Larry got stood up! Larry got stood up!

I... I... I've never been stood up --

I'm... It's... I'm shocked. I need some time to...

I'll be okay. And I'll be right back

after this Freaky Story.

STUDENT: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Alice, a Computer Science major just like me.

Oh, some people thought she was a geek, because

she created her own software program...

The Maximum Efficiency Life Organizer

or M.E.L.O. for short.

You see Alice didn't believe in leaving anything

to chance and M.E.L.O. kept her life perfectly organized.

There was only one thing Alice couldn't control...

how she felt around Gord.

Mr. Big Man On Campus. Mr. I'm-so- good-looking.

Every time Alice saw Gord she would get this nervous

rumbling in the pit of her stomach.

But Alice decided that with the help of M.E.L.O.,

Gord would be hers.

Phase 1 SETTING UP THE DATE: In exchange for designing a

spreadsheet a mutual friend set them up on a blind date.

Check.

Phase 2 THE MAKEOVER: Alice scoured the web for the latest

fashion trends, scanned in a picture of herself and

superimposed the right hairstyle,

makeup, clothes, and accessories.

Check.

Phase 3 COMMON INTERESTS: Alice boned up on fascinating

subjects of earthshattering proportions. Check.

Finally, came THE DAY OF THE DATE.

If Alice was to be ready for Gord by 8:pm that evening,

she'd have to adhere to every

second of M.E.L.O.'s schedule.

But at 4:46 Alice realized she was starving!

She scanned the itinerary, but M.E.L.O. didn't

schedule time to eat!

But if she didn't eat she was going to faint.

Alice raced to the kitchen.

She checked the cupboards, the bread box,

even the cookie jar.

There was nothing. Her last hope was the fridge...

Mustard? No.

Sour milk? Gross!

A bowl of leftover chili? That would have to do.

Alice scarfed it down and flew back upstairs

to resume preparation.

And at 7:59 there she stood in front of the mirror -

finished.

Following M.E.L.O.'s plans, Alice transformed herself

into a babe.

Then she felt a rumble in the pit of her stomach.

But Alice knew it was just a nervous reaction

to thinking about Gord.

Ding - Dong.

And there he was!

Alice opened the door.

The look on his face told Alice that Gord was nailed.

Except she just wished that, that feeling in

her stomach would go away.

Then it hit her!

These weren't the usual nervous rumblings she got

around Gord.

The chili she'd eaten earlier was giving her gas!

Oh no! Not tonight!

Gord made small talk but all Alice could think of

was her giant gas cramp.

Then, once again her genius mind came up with

the perfect plan.

Gord held open the car door as Alice eased herself

into her seat.

He closed the door and began to walk around the car.

Quickly she rolled down the window, let 'er rip

and fanned the rank fumes into the cool night air.

Ah, h, h, h.

Mission accomplished.

Gord got in.

He smiled and asked "Alice, have you met Ron and Donna?"

Alice turned and looked into a pair of

horrified faces gasping for air in the back seat.

Hey, it's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

No, Alice never did go out with Gord again.

But I know where you can find a used computer really cheap.

LARRY: Letters, we get letters,

we get lots and lot of letters...

Our first letter...

... is from --

Paulo, a caterpillar living in Buenos Aires.

Dear Larry, My girlfriend, Carmen,

caught me playing footsie with a centipede --

When you play footsie with centipede,

you really play footsie.

Bada-boom! [RIMSHOT]

How do I get back with Carmen?

Signed, Footloose.

Come here Mr. Camera . . .

That's it, That's it, far enough!

Dear Footloose,

who cares!

Well now, am I over my little snit of disappointment?

Ah, Hmmm, Ah, Hmmm, Ah...

No.

Oh, Larry you help everybody else,

Why won't you help me.

What do you want?

I want to be charming.

[LAUGHS] It'll never happen.

Please Teach me, Larry, teach me to be charming.

Later. Maybe. When I recover.

I've had a little trauma here you know.

Now let's have a Freaky Story. It'll make me feel better --

TEENAGER CHARLIE HAUCK: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Scotty was fourteen. Nice guy. Good grades.

But he was shy around girls.

I mean, not just a little tongue tied...

If a girl even came near, the part of his brain that

controlled his speech would suddenly spaz up and he'd be

babbling baby talk.

And what's worse, he'd just moved and started at our

school where he knew no one at all.

Now, there was this one girl he really had his eye on.

Sarah. Really smart and really cute.

She was in a couple of his classes and she used

the same crosswalk at Fifth Street as him

every morning on her way to school.

She'd smile at Scotty and say hello...

but Scotty, the best he could manage was

some kind of gurgling sound.

And every morning he'd practice what he was going to

say to Sarah before he left his house in the bathroom mirror.

But at school his tongue would tangle up in his mouth

as soon as Sarah got within ten feet of him.

So one morning, Scotty went to the crosswalk all revved

up to ask Sarah to the school dance.

He spotted her. She spotted him.

She smiled, and said hello.

He tripped over his tongue.

She just shrugged and walked away.

Scotty stood there, banging his head against a mailbox.

Then, from out of nowhere, this girl --

about the same age as Sarah,

strolled up to him and said "Hi, I'm Jennifer."

And it must have been a miracle,

but Scotty's tongue untied itself and he said

"Hi, I'm Scotty."

She said, "I couldn't help notice you banging your head

against that mailbox.

Anything wrong?"

Scotty told her, no... not really...

and they start to walk along, talking about stuff.

Nothing major. Just things like the weather,

or that new song on the radio.

And Scotty started to relax.

Soon he was talking to her, as if she was one of his

basketball buddies.

He'd suddenly realized girls weren't scary, after all.

It seemed like no time had passed at all when they

arrived at school.

Jennifer said that she'd really enjoyed talking with

him, but she didn't go to this school anymore.

Okay, he thought, just his luck.

But then, she leaned over, gave him a kiss on the cheek,

and walked away.

Well, Scotty was suddenly a whole different person.

He strolled down the school hallways, saying,

"Hi, " to this girl, "Howdee, " to that girl.

He'd gained a new confidence.

He walked right up to Sarah and, could hardly believe it,

but real words came out.

They talked a while and he asked her out.

But the even bigger surprise was, she said yes.

Scotty was so grateful to Jennifer for

turning his life around, he wanted to thank her.

He got her address from the phone book and after school,

took all money he had on him --

and bought a nice bouquet of flowers.

He hurried to Jennifer's house,

hoping that she hadn't moved or anything.

He found the place, all right.

It looked pretty much like all other houses on the block.

He rang the bell.

This lady, looking kind of like she's had

a bad time of it lately, answered.

He said, "Hi, is Jennifer home from school yet?"

She smiled at him for awhile,

like it was some old joke she'd heard before,

then she said, "Is she up to her old tricks again?"

"Old tricks?"

Scotty had no idea what she was talking about.

So she explained, "Jennifer likes to help people."

And Scotty said, "She sure Helped me."

And the lady went on to tell him how Jennifer came back

every year on that date to find someone who needed help.

Scotty thought for a second and asked,

"Back from where?"

The lady said,

"Jennifer died ten years ago, this very day.

I guess she'll keep coming back

as long as she's needed."

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Whenever Scotty comes back to town,

he goes down to Fifth Street.

But no Jennifer. She must be helping someone else.

[KISSES PAPER] Ahh... Oh! I'm back!

Okay, so you want to know why I'm depressed.

Look at this.

Is she the best thing on six legs you've ever seen or what?

I can't go on. Let's have our next...

What about me?

You were going to teach me to be charming.

Okay, okay.

Right after this next Freaky Story.

[SIGHS] Ah... Suzanne

HIGH SCHOOL COACH: This a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Well, not a friend,

so much as student in my gym class.

A geeky little weenie named Danny.

Now Danny isn't like the other boys.

He kept a plastic pen holder in his

gym T-shirt pocket.

And those glasses he wears,

I'll bet the Hubble telescope didn't have

lenses that thick.

Like I said, Danny's not like the other boys in class.

Certainly not like Biff and Garth,

the one-two punch on my hockey team,

football team, soccer team and every other team I coach.

[THEY LAUGH]

Well, the other day, at lunch

one of my linebackers wanted to see if

Danny could eat a Twinkie through his ear!

Imagine my surprise when Biff and Garth broke it up

without so much as a crumb ending up in Danny's hair.

And if that wasn't enough,

they sat down and ate lunch with Danny.

And then I hear Biff ask Danny if he's planning

to attend the big Halloween Dance.

Uh, no, says Danny.

Then Garth says, his cousin's coming from Springfield

this weekend, and she'd love to go to the dance.

And Biff looks at Garth, and Garth looks at Biff,

and they both look at Danny,

there he is in mid chew of his sandwich.

And Garth says to Danny, you're the man, Dan.

She'll meet you at the dance at eight sharp.

They slapped him on the back.

And I spent the next half hour

cleaning egg salad off the cafeteria wall.

Later, I heard Biff ask Garth if his cousin's

still as ugly as she was last time she was in town,

braces, glasses, zits?

Well Garth thought about it for a minute and said,

it's Halloween. Who'll notice?

Danny's more scared than he's ever been in his life.

It's his first date! So, what to wear?

He's got fifteen costumes,

and tries each one on. -- nothing works.

Finally, he settles on Marty the Martian,

from the TV show "Space Base Mars".

And you know what? With that green makeup,

and those ears and that nose, well,

Danny made a great Martian.

And so he shows up at the dance.

He was so scared, he was tossing his cookies.

Biff came as a football player, and Garth,

well, bless him, he came as me.

But Jenny had a great costume.

She was dressed as Dromedan, from "Space Base Mars".

And her mask,

it was scary how great it looked.

When Danny saw that his date was a fellow

Space Base Mars freak,

I swear I saw a little colour come through

his green make up.

Danny and Jenny went off to the gym

and danced up a storm.

Jenny was just great.

The nicest girl Danny ever met.

They even won first prize in the couples costumes contest.

A marriage made in Space Base Heaven.

And soon, the dance was over.

Danny offered to walk Jenny back home, and she said yes.

And as they walked down the street,

Danny got up enough courage to hold Jenny's hand.

And that's when they found themselves

on the front porch of Garth's house,

where Jenny was staying.

He wanted to give Jenny a kiss goodnight.

In fact, she was starting to move

closer and closer to him.

So Danny inches closer and closer and

...wait.

He stops.

If this is going to be his very first kiss,

he didn't want to kiss a mask. He wanted the real thing.

So he reaches for Jenny's mask, and she pulls away.

But he grabs it as she turns.

And Jenny tells him to close his eyes and

she'll give him a kiss.

Yes!

So now he's holding her Dromedan mask in his

hand, and he's got his eyes closed and his lips

puckered up and ready.

And zap! She plants a kiss right on him.

Then he opens his eyes, and guess what.

Jenny looks exactly like Danny,

curly ears, crinkly nose, glasses and all.

They really and truely were made for each other.

Yessir, that's a true story.

And it happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And since that night, Danny still looks the same,

except for that goofy I'm - in - love look

pasted all over his face.

¶ [BURLESQUE MUSIC] ¶

Hey, I'm doing this for Maurice,

for educational purposes.

So cut the fancy lighting.

Alright?

[MUSIC STOPS]

...Thank-you!

You know, I could get attracted to me.

Uh, anyway, ah -- Okay Maurice, I'm a girl and you're...

you.

[GRUNTS]

Ah, okay...

You are so beautiful.

Would you please!!!

Now, ask me to go out with you.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, Brother.

Go on, ask me.

A beautiful cockraoch like you would

never go with a maggot like me.

Well of course not, ask me anyway.

Would you like to go out with me... babe.

[SIGHS]

What? What?

It's politically incorrect to call a babe "babe".

Now, try it again.

Would you like to go out with me... Ms.?

Hmm... well...

We could go to dinner.

I know a nice place behind the grease trap.

What???

I know what goes on behind the grease trap.

And I'm not that kind of girl.

There's something going on behind the grease trap?

I give up!!Let's have another story.

NIGHT PERSON: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Joe was a travelling salesman.

Whose territory covered most of The Omega Sector.

He drove around hawking what he called

'quality merchandise'.

Dime store stuff. Grav- jiggs and Time Coders.

Business had been pretty good for Joe.

He was a sharp dresser and liked the ladies.

And the ladies? They liked him back.

One night, he was heading in from his last call.

The rain was coming down in torrents.

And Joe was feeling as miserable as the weather.

He was getting drowsy. So he went to a diner for some java.

There was a prowl car parked outside.

A big one - one of those Kolikov anti-grav jobs

imported from Minsk.

Joe parked a few spaces away from it.

You sure didn't want to mess with one of those.

The cop was showing mug shots to the counter help as

Joe entered the diner.

[COP GRUMBLES]

The lawman eyed the huckster with suspicion

as the night dripped from his coat.

Joe sat down and placed his order.

The cop sat at the counter, a few seats away

from Joe and ordered the usual.

The waitress slid him his coffee and dunkers.

The usual.

Joe eyed the counter help.

They sure didn't make 'em like her any more.

A little rusty around the edges, but

pretty well preserved, considering her age.

"You haven't seen anyone out walking, have you?",

said the cop, giving Joe the 'eye'.

"On a night like this...? Not a chance. Why?"

asked Joe between sips of his coffee.

"Because 'The Slasher' just broke out of the joint..."

"'The Slasher'... Wasn't he the guy who...?"

"Yeah." said the cop.

They turned their attention to the steaming java.

Finally the rain began to let up.

Joe paid his tab and headed back out to his car.

As he strapped himself in, he glanced back at the diner.

The waitress was talking to the cop...

and pointing right at him!

Joe watched as the cop turned around and locked

his electro-eye on him.

Joe started the hoverglide unit and the car

thrummed to life.

The cop climbed into his cruiser.

The kolikov's boosters lifted it into a pursuit stance.

He pulled out and followed Joe onto the road.

Joe looked into the rearview mirror.

The squadcar was gaining... fast.

Now, Joe wasn't a guy prone to panic.

But what had the waitress said to send the cop after him?

And why?

The squad car kept coming.

It was right on his bumper when the cherrytop flashed

and the siren started to wail.

A sheen of cold sweat broke out over Joe's body.

The waitress! It was her fault.

You can never trust a 'robo'. Especially a 'robo-dame'.

He'd been framed!

Joe eased off the gas and pulled over.

He lowered the window and waited,

soaking in his cold sweat

as the cop walked up to the car.

What did she tell him?

The policeman told him to get out of the car.

"But... officer... listen..." stammered Joe.

"Now."

Joe got out of the sedan. The cop looked him over -

then reached for his neuro-blocker.

Joe froze - eyes wide open.

Those things can really hurt a guy...

The cop shoved Joe and lept inside...

There were the sounds of a scuffle -

then a flash of purple light...

...and a body hit the ground... twitching.

The body of the guy who had been hiding

in Joe's back seat.

An escaped madman... THE SLASHER...!

He'd been waiting... for Joe!

Hey. It's a true story.

Happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

And I heard that after that little incident, Joe made

a special request to the company.

A transfer to a desk job.

So I got dumped for a better-looking cock-roach.

Life goes on...

She's ba-a-a-a-ck.

Who?

Suzanne. She's outside. Says you got a date with her.

I know why she's ba-ack, I know why she's ba-ack...

Suzanne got to the waste disposal plant early and

she got a peek at Sidney while he was dressing...

Yeah, and-and-and... ???

Sidney wears a girdle.

Who is the fairest of them all? [LAUGHS]

Well, I guess it's up to me to say good-bye for now.

I'll See you all next time with more...

I am lookin' good. I am irresistable.

Here it is -- All me, All natural pure Larry!