Original subtitles

¶ [SPOOKY THEME MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

TRUCKER: Hey, Rosie!

The juke box's busted!

ROSIE: Hey! Get a grip. Can't you see I'm mopping here!

TRUCKER: I put in a quarter. I got no music.

LARRY: Hey, Maurice, the guy wants music.

Open up.

Huh?

Just open your mouth and we'll play juke box.

Go on --

Ahhhhhh...

It's his favorite snack.

You don't want to know what it is...

or was.

It's been here for a month.

But that's okay...

Because he is a MAGGOT!!!

And a virtual juke box.

TRUCKER: Hey Rosie, the music.

Like maybe in this century?

Music, coming right up.

¶ Da-da-da-da-da ¶

(Burp-burp)

¶ Da-da-da-da-da ¶

(Burp-burp)

¶ Da-da-da-da-da... ¶

(Burp-burp)

I love Mexican food.

Da-da-da-da-da.

(Burp)

ROSIE: Hey, watch it!

You knocked the burrito right in the wash bucket.

Yummmm. Burrito soup.

Hi. I'm Larry. Welcome to Ted's Diner.

The best food this side of the town dump...

mind you we're on the wrong side of the town dump.

And since this episode of Freaky Stories

is about food...

That wasn't bad.

Bean-burrito-wash bucket soup...

with just a hint of ammonia.

Ted's a little stingy with the ammonia.

Ted's a little stingy with everything.

We will be back right after this Freaky Story.

CRIMINAL TONY LONGO: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

They called him Rocco.

He'd worked at some of the best restaurants

in town 'til he got caught

trying to hijack a tractor trailer full of

pate de fois gras and ended up behind bars,

sharing a cell with my buddy.

It seemed all the guy read was cookbooks

and gourmet magazines.

[CHATTER]

He loved to talk about all the 'fine cuisine',

and the fancy foods he used to whip up.

He'd go on for hours and hours talkin' about

"this soup and that sauce."

Food was his whole life.

Like guys in prison got pin-ups on their walls

and so did Rocco.

Only his pin-up was of a rack of lamb...

with little panties, of course.

Now, our prison chow was this greeny-gray stuff

that smelled like old socks.

Rocco refused to eat it.

Said it gave food a bad name,

that it offended the palate. One day,

when they dumped that slop on his tray,

he tossed it right back in the guard's kisser.

That little episode started

the mother of all food fights.

That's when Rocco went into solitary and started his

hunger strike.

He weighed like three hundred pounds

when he first went in the hole,

but in the next few months, he lost more'n half of it.

So one night, there was this big thunder storm,

with lots of lightning that lit up the sky

like a gigantic fireworks.

A bolt o' lightning hit a transformer in one

of those electrical sub-stations,

anyway there was a big bang and then

all the lights went out.

Now, while this was all goin' on,

it just so happened that a guard was

bringin' Rocco his meal.

And the blackout surprised this guard,

so Rocco could jump him and lock him in the cell.

He snuck out into the prison yard

where he almost got caught by the guards,

but lucky for Rocco, guards can't see in the dark.

So Rocco made it over the wall and escaped

into the woods.

That night, Rocco saw a truck driver

who pulled over on a back road for a pit stop.

When Rocco opened the back door,

he saw lots of real fancy lookin',

good tastin' food inside.

It was a caterer's van. And a fancy caterer too.

Rocco's eyes lit up and he slobbered drool

like it was water from a spigot.

But just as Rocco was reachin' for a platter of them

hors d'oeuvre things, the driver finished his business,

got back in the truck and drove away.

Rocco was drenched to the skin and bones.

A lot later that night he saw this deserted building.

But inside it was pitch black --

[GLASSES SHATTER]

so's he stumbled around in the dark,

knocking stuff over and falling down a lot.

But then he thought he'd gone to heaven when he

bumped into a fridge.

It was chock full of plastic containers of food.

He couldn't see o' course,

but he also couldn't taste, or even smell,

what with gettin' a cold and a stuffed-up nose

from bein' out in the rain for so long.

All he cared about was that it was a fridge

and that there was food inside.

He was lickin' his lips like he was about to sit down

to a fancy spread at some four-star French joint.

'Course maybe his taste buds would've thought

dirt tasted good, I don't know.

He pigged out and stuffed his face.

It was like in one night, he gained back

all the weight he'd lost.

Did he ever feel good... good and stuffed.

Anyways, it was still dark,

and since he was real full and real pooped,

he fell asleep.

When he woke up, it was morning and Rocco could see.

His eyes bugged right out of his head.

'Cause on the fridge there was this big notice.

"Caution! Warning! Dangerous!

This laboratory cooling unit contains materials

for medical and scientific experiments."

So Rocco pulled the door wide open.

The fridge was full of really gross stuff...

parts and pieces of --

I'd tell you what, but I don't want to make you sick.

And nearly everything from that fridge

was now in Rocco's gut.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Rocco? He's back in prison and these days,

he eats anything they put in front of him!

[LAUGHS]

LARRY: Hey! Hey, camera man!

Over here! Hello!

There, that's better.

Now, where's my assistant?

It's hard to get good help these days...

See...

I know all about food.

[FART SOUND]

Oh... What was that?

Your food...

That you know so much about...

Just made you fart.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Maybe I can learn something about food.

Teach me, teacher.

Okay. So, without further ado...

Further what?

Ado! Ado!

Gesundheit. [LAUGHS]

Now... Here we go...

To maintain your nutritional requirements,

you gotta have your four basic food groups...

Red, yellow, green, blue. Got it.

The first, up here -- the blue is Meat.

Blue meat. My favorite.

It just happens to be blue.

Oh yeah, when I'm lucky.

[SIGHS] Moving right along here...

here's the next Freaky Story.

They get freakier and freakier, like...

You-know-who.

HOUSEWIFE PATTY PRINGLE: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a...

well, actually, a neighbour, of mine.

Nobody can say that Patty Pringle

isn't a good neighbour.

And what people do in the privacy of their own

back yards, is their own affair.

Like I said, I don't meddle.

So, when I saw that my next door neighbours,

the Taylors, were planning a big barbeque,

I said,

"fine". I hope they get good weather for it --

even if I'm not invited.

But when I happened to peak out my upstairs window

that overlooks their back yard, you know,

the one you have to stand on the chair to see out of...

I saw that Mrs. Taylor was going to be serving salmon.

A whole grilled salmon.

And at twelve dollars a pound, who's she trying to impress?

And it certainly wasn't my business when I saw their cat,

Muffy, jump up on the picnic table and start to

nibble on the salmon.

Luckily, Mrs. Taylor came outside

and caught that stupid cat in the act.

Anyway, by the time I came downstairs onto my patio,

I could hear Mrs. Taylor having a hissy fit.

"Look what that stupid cat's done. My dinner's ruined."

Well, the first thing she did, is grab the cat,

and hand it over to her precious little Emerson.

Now, Emerson's going on and on about how the cat

has eaten the eyes out of the salmon,

and how the cat's chewed up half the salmon's face.

And would you believe, Mrs. Taylor,

just as cool as a cucumber, told Emerson

not to say a word to anybody at the party.

Mrs. Taylor told him that she'll fix the salmon

by decorating it with parsley.

Imagine, disguising a chewed up salmon with parsley.

Mrs. Taylor and Emerson shook hands

and zipped their lips on their little secret.

I had to go out for an hour, around five, you know,

when the grocery store marks down the baked goods.

When I came back, the Taylor's party was in full swing.

Cars parked everywhere, an awful mess.

How was I even supposed to get into my own driveway?

Well, as long as they were having a good time,

what did it matter?

Everybody, and there must have been twenty

very loud people there -

as if one extra person, me, would have

made a big difference.

They were just raving about the dinner.

"Great salmon",

"This fish is amazing, Jennie",

"You must give me the recipe",

"I've never had fish that's for sure.'

Well, they've never had my stewed Catfish, that's for sure.

And there was Mrs. Taylor, just soaking in the compliments,

when Emerson came running up to her.

"Mom, Mom - I've got to tell you something"...

Well, Mrs. Taylor tried to shoo him away,

but he kept tugging at her arm.

Finally, he just blurted it out.

"Mom, Muffy ate the fish and now she's dead!!!!"

Well, you should have seen Mrs. Taylor's face.

I'll tell you one thing,

her underwear and fine delicates never

come out that white on the wash line.

Now everyone started screaming about poisoned salmon.

[SCREAMS & WRETCHING]

Well, the shrieks and cries from that back yard.

People wretching and gaging -

rushing to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped.

Not what I would call a very successful dinner party.

The next day, I happened to see Mrs. Taylor

and Emerson in the back yard,

I popped my head over the fence,

and asked how things had gone the night before.

A disaster. Everybody hurling and spewing,

said rude little Emerson.

Their friends won't even speak to them now,

said Mrs. Taylor.

And if that's not enough, the cat is dead.

"Oh, by the way", I said, "about Muffy"...

Last night, driving back from the market,

I ran over your cat.

I didn't want to disturb your big, fancy party

so I just left the poor little thing on your porch.

Nobody can say that Patty Pringle

isn't a good neighbour.

This is a true story.

It happened to a neighbour of mine...

Which is probably why the Taylors

don't serve fish for dinner anymore.

The second food group, which has all kinds of

vitamins and good stuff, is Vegetables.

Vegetables give me gas.

Everything gives you gas.

Does not.

Air gives you gas.

-Does not. -Okay, breathe.

[DEEP BREATH...]

[FARTS]

See.

TRUCKER: Whew! What a gross smell.

You're driving the customers out again..

That was a perfectly normal body function.

Which would be okay if you had a

perfectly normal body

or a perfectly normal brain for that matter.

Our next story...

You act like you're better than me.

You're a maggot. EVERYBODY'S better than you.

Oh, you do have a point.

As I was saying, here's our next Freaky Story.

GARBAGE MAN JOE: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Jenny loved to bundle newsprint.

She was a real "compost queen".

Unfortunately, her family was the most wasteful

bunch of garbage grunts on the planet.

Every Saturday Big Bill, that's Jenny's Dad,

would be out in the back yard stoking up his

huge briquette-burning barbecue for

the weekly weenie roast.

Now, Bill was a big fan of Maxi-franks.

Eighteen inches long, big fat and greasy.

Every Saturday, Big Bill got the grill going good,

then Cheryl, that's Jenny's mom, would come out

on the deck dragging a box of frozen franks the size of a

small dumpster.

The Maxi-franks people, see, loved packaging

almost as much as Bill loved their weenies.

A Maxi- frank box could fill a double sized

green garbage bag all on it's own.

Bill and Cheryl didn't even like to think about garbage.

You put it in green plastic bags,

tossed it out front on the sidewalk, and it went away.

"But where does it go?", Jenny would demand.

"Just away", Big Bill would reply,

"Have another hot dog."

One day, Jenny tells her Dad,

"I'm never going to eat another maxi-frank

ever, ever, ever."

And she switches to a diet of raw vegetables.

Big Bill and Cheryl freaked out.

Without animal protein they were sure

their daughter would waste away.

They had to get her back to eating good,

nutritious Maxi-franks.

But how?

Then Big Bill remembered a

commercial that he saw on TV.

It was all about a new theme park -

Maxi-frank's Weenie Wonderland.

So, Big Bill piled them into the family car.

An hour later, they pulled up in front of a hot dog

the size of an incinerator stack

and on top there was a big neon sign that said,

"Welcome to Weenie Wonderland".

Man, you would not have believed this place.

In the middle of all the attractions was a huge square

filled with barbecue pits,

around a monster Fun Bun Fountain.

And everyone who worked there was dressed up

like plastic mustard and ketchup bottles.

And the rides!

Bratwurst bumper cars, sausage scramblers,

red hot roller coasters and, of course,

the Maxi- Frank merry-go-round.

And everybody but everybody

was chowing down barbecued hot dogs.

And the waste! Jenny was horrified.

Half-eaten hot dogs and mangled buns

littered the grounds.

She decided that she had to find the head office

and register a complaint.

And Big Bill, well, he had to keep Jenny happy

if he expected her to start eating meat again,

so he went along...

Then, Jenny spots a building behind

the Pickle Pavilion.

Jenny wanted to check it out to see if

this was where she could make her complaint.

Big Bill didn't think it was a good idea,

especially when a couple of big armed guards

told them to move along.

So Jenny and Bill get themselves a couple of costumes.

They fall in line behind a bunch of

theme-dressed workers

and slip right by the guards.

Jenny and Bill walked down a long, snaking corridor

and came out in a big modern factory

with huge pipes pumping some kind of mush

into big open vats.

High pressure hoses squirted the stuff into

long limp hot dog skins.

Big Bill was in seventh heaven.

But suddenly, there was a shout and Big Bill saw

this nasty looking security guard running towards them.

They went racing down another long corridor,

through another door and.... then pammo!

They were standing in this huge concrete bunker

full of trucks dumping garbage,

and stuff into one great big pile!

The smell was awful! Big Bill, got dizzy

and upchucked all over the place.

Jenny had to help her Dad out...

but not before he saw the sign on the door:

"Makers of the Maxi-Frank."

That's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Well Big Bill?

He still barbecues every week.

But now he's cremating corn, braising beets,

and yeah, toastin' tofu.

[MAURICE SNORING]

Hey, check this out.

[MAURICE SNORING]

Now, were was I?

Oh yeah,right, Dairy. Which is milk

and cheese and stuff like that,

makes your bones strong.

[MAURICE SNORING]

He ain't got no bones. [LAUGHS]

Our next food group is grains, which is rice and wheat...

BOR - RING!

Hey. Grains give you fiber and fiber is important...

I get my fiber.

From what?

I get my fiber. Okay?

Here's our next Freaky Story.

TEENAGER KEVIN BOYD: This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Mike was a Stock-Boy at the local Supermarket.

It wasn't a bad job... as far as McJobs go.

But it was pretty boring. Loading groceries

onto the shelves, and sweeping the floors.

Sometimes he'd help the Checkout Girls bag groceries -

not all the Checkout Girls, just the "hot" ones.

Anyhow, one day Mike was stocking the shelves,

following that old "Stock Boy's Rules of Thumb"

of "Putting the fresh stuff at the back

and the oldie moldies up front",

when he was called to the Checkout.

One of the customers needed help carrying her groceries.

This particular customer turned out to be a "Granny" -

and she had a ton of bags with her.

Things were starting to look up.

You see, another of the "Stock Boys' Rules of Thumb"

was that "The value of the tip

is directly proportional to the number of bags

to be carried".

Mike picked up the old Granny's bags

and carried them out to the parking lot.

That's when "Granny" confessed that she didn't have a car,

and asked if he wouldn't mind carrying the

bags back to her place.

"It's just around the corner", she said.

It didn't take an Einstein to figure out

the old lady'd probably be so grateful,

she'd give him a really humongous tip.

So Mike said "sure".

So they started walking.

That's when Mike realized that "Just around the corner",

was kind of an understatement.

This Granny lived at least a mile from the store --

and up hill all the way...

through a strange, gingerbready

kind of neighborhood.

The whole place was like Granny City.

"Not too heavy for you, is it Sonny?" asked Granny.

Mike, drenched with sweat,

grunted and shook his head 'no'.

"Mind the eggs, dear", she said.

They finally got to her house.

Mike dragged the bags up the front steps.

He put the bags on the kitchen table

and then collapsed into a chair.

He was totally wiped.

That's when Granny said, "You've been so kind.

Let me get you something

for your time and trouble. I'll be right back."

This is what he'd been waiting for...

As the old lady scurried into the back room,

she called out, "You must be hungry.

Why don't you fix yourself a snack.

There's lots to eat in the pantry."

Mike was starving, now that she mentioned it.

He got up and opened the pantry doors.

It was dark and musty, filled with jars of

things like jellied calve's livers

and pig's knuckles.

What other weird stuff would he find?

Something gross maybe?

He knew he should stop looking,

but he couldn't help himself. He was hungry.

He opened a cupboard door and it rolled out at him.

He was scared, but he caught it.

It was -- nothing weird at all.

It was just a small jar of mixed nuts.

He popped some of the nuts into his mouth.

They were pretty good. Coulda' used some salt...

but not too bad otherwise.

They'd hold him 'til he found some real food.

But there was nothing.

Just jar after jar, shelf after shelf of

yucky stuff like porpoise parts and monkey meat.

Mike was getting the dry heaves

just from looking at it.

He decided to stick with the nuts,

thank you very much.

At least he knew nuts were safe.

And before he knew it, he'd finished off the jar.

Finally, Granny came back into the kitchen.

"Here you go, dearie! Something for your trouble."

And she held out fifteen cents.

Mike took the money. "Gee, thanks,lady."

Yeesh. All that work for nothing.

But, on the bright side, he'd got a free snack out of it.

"Oh, by the way..." he said.

"You had some mixed nuts in the cupboard...

Sorry, I couldn't stop myself and I kinda ate 'em all."

"Oh, that's alright, Sonny..."

Granny said with a kindly smile.

"With the state of my teeth,

all I can do is suck the chocolate off 'em anyway..."

Hey, it's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Yeah, Mike's still working at the supermarket.

But he's added a new rule to the Stock-Boys' Rules of Thumb:

"Never eat on the job!"

[CHEWING]

See... I do get my fiber.

See you next time. With my new assistant...

You can't get anybody for what you're paying me.

I'm paying you nothing.

And I'm worth every penny.

See you next time.

If you're still alive.

Maurice... Maurice? Hey!