All language subtitles for Freaky Stories - 1x01 - The Big Queasy_Legendas01.ENG

¶ [SPOOKY THEME
MUSIC THROUGHOUT] ¶

¶¶

TRUCKER: Hey, Rosie!

The juke box's busted!

ROSIE: Hey! Get a grip. Can't
you see I'm mopping here!

TRUCKER: I put in a quarter.
I got no music.

LARRY: Hey, Maurice,
the guy wants music.

Open up.

Huh?

Just open your mouth
and we'll play juke box.

Go on --

Ahhhhhh...

It's his favorite snack.

You don't want to
know what it is...

or was.

It's been here for a month.

But that's okay...

Because he is a MAGGOT!!!

And a virtual juke box.

TRUCKER: Hey Rosie, the music.

Like maybe in this century?

Music, coming right up.

¶ Da-da-da-da-da ¶

(Burp-burp)

¶ Da-da-da-da-da ¶

(Burp-burp)

¶ Da-da-da-da-da... ¶

(Burp-burp)

I love Mexican food.

Da-da-da-da-da.

(Burp)

ROSIE: Hey, watch it!

You knocked the burrito
right in the wash bucket.

Yummmm. Burrito soup.

Hi. I'm Larry.
Welcome to Ted's Diner.

The best food this side
of the town dump...

mind you we're on the wrong
side of the town dump.

And since this
episode of Freaky Stories

is about food...

That wasn't bad.

Bean-burrito-wash
bucket soup...

with just a hint of ammonia.

Ted's a little stingy
with the ammonia.

Ted's a little stingy
with everything.

We will be back right after
this Freaky Story.

CRIMINAL TONY LONGO:
This is a true story.

It happened to a friend
of a friend of mine.

They called him Rocco.

He'd worked at some of
the best restaurants

in town 'til he got caught

trying to hijack a
tractor trailer full of

pate de fois gras and
ended up behind bars,

sharing a cell with my buddy.

It seemed all the guy
read was cookbooks

and gourmet magazines.

[CHATTER]

He loved to talk about
all the 'fine cuisine',

and the fancy foods
he used to whip up.

He'd go on for hours
and hours talkin' about

"this soup and that sauce."

Food was his whole life.

Like guys in prison got
pin-ups on their walls

and so did Rocco.

Only his pin-up was
of a rack of lamb...

with little panties,
of course.

Now, our prison chow was
this greeny-gray stuff

that smelled like old socks.

Rocco refused to eat it.

Said it gave food a bad name,

that it offended the
palate. One day,

when they dumped that
slop on his tray,

he tossed it right back
in the guard's kisser.

That little episode started

the mother of all food fights.

That's when Rocco went into
solitary and started his

hunger strike.

He weighed like three
hundred pounds

when he first
went in the hole,

but in the next few months, he
lost more'n half of it.

So one night, there was
this big thunder storm,

with lots of lightning
that lit up the sky

like a gigantic fireworks.

A bolt o' lightning hit a
transformer in one

of those electrical
sub-stations,

anyway there was a
big bang and then

all the lights went out.

Now, while this was
all goin' on,

it just so happened
that a guard was

bringin' Rocco his meal.

And the blackout
surprised this guard,

so Rocco could jump him and
lock him in the cell.

He snuck out into
the prison yard

where he almost got
caught by the guards,

but lucky for Rocco, guards
can't see in the dark.

So Rocco made it over
the wall and escaped

into the woods.

That night, Rocco
saw a truck driver

who pulled over on a
back road for a pit stop.

When Rocco opened
the back door,

he saw lots of
real fancy lookin',

good tastin' food inside.

It was a caterer's van.
And a fancy caterer too.

Rocco's eyes lit up and
he slobbered drool

like it was water
from a spigot.

But just as Rocco was
reachin' for a platter of them

hors d'oeuvre things, the
driver finished his business,

got back in the
truck and drove away.

Rocco was drenched
to the skin and bones.

A lot later that night he saw
this deserted building.

But inside it
was pitch black --

[GLASSES SHATTER]

so's he stumbled
around in the dark,

knocking stuff over
and falling down a lot.

But then he thought he'd
gone to heaven when he

bumped into a fridge.

It was chock full of plastic
containers of food.

He couldn't see o' course,

but he also couldn't
taste, or even smell,

what with gettin' a cold
and a stuffed-up nose

from bein' out in
the rain for so long.

All he cared about was
that it was a fridge

and that there
was food inside.

He was lickin' his lips like
he was about to sit down

to a fancy spread at some
four-star French joint.

'Course maybe his taste
buds would've thought

dirt tasted good,
I don't know.

He pigged out and
stuffed his face.

It was like in one
night, he gained back

all the weight he'd lost.

Did he ever feel good...
good and stuffed.

Anyways, it was still dark,

and since he was real
full and real pooped,

he fell asleep.

When he woke up, it was
morning and Rocco could see.

His eyes bugged right
out of his head.

'Cause on the fridge
there was this big notice.

"Caution! Warning! Dangerous!

This laboratory cooling unit
contains materials

for medical and
scientific experiments."

So Rocco pulled
the door wide open.

The fridge was full
of really gross stuff...

parts and pieces of --

I'd tell you what, but I
don't want to make you sick.

And nearly everything
from that fridge

was now in Rocco's gut.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of
a friend of mine.

And Rocco? He's back
in prison and these days,

he eats anything they
put in front of him!

[LAUGHS]

LARRY: Hey! Hey, camera man!

Over here! Hello!

There, that's better.

Now, where's my assistant?

It's hard to get
good help these days...

See...

I know all about food.

[FART SOUND]

Oh... What was that?

Your food...

That you know so much about...

Just made you fart.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Maybe I can learn
something about food.

Teach me, teacher.

Okay. So,
without further ado...

Further what?

Ado! Ado!

Gesundheit.
[LAUGHS]

Now... Here we go...

To maintain your
nutritional requirements,

you gotta have your four
basic food groups...

Red, yellow,
green, blue. Got it.

The first, up here --
the blue is Meat.

Blue meat. My favorite.

It just happens to be blue.

Oh yeah, when I'm lucky.

[SIGHS]
Moving right along here...

here's the next Freaky Story.

They get freakier
and freakier, like...

You-know-who.

HOUSEWIFE PATTY PRINGLE:
This is a true story.

It happened to a
friend of a...

well, actually,
a neighbour, of mine.

Nobody can say
that Patty Pringle

isn't a good neighbour.

And what people do in the
privacy of their own

back yards, is
their own affair.

Like I said, I don't meddle.

So, when I saw that my
next door neighbours,

the Taylors, were
planning a big barbeque,

I said,

"fine". I hope they get good
weather for it --

even if I'm not invited.

But when I happened to peak
out my upstairs window

that overlooks their
back yard, you know,

the one you have to stand on
the chair to see out of...

I saw that Mrs. Taylor was
going to be serving salmon.

A whole grilled salmon.

And at twelve dollars a pound,
who's she trying to impress?

And it certainly wasn't my
business when I saw their cat,

Muffy, jump up on the picnic
table and start to

nibble on the salmon.

Luckily, Mrs. Taylor
came outside

and caught that
stupid cat in the act.

Anyway, by the time I came
downstairs onto my patio,

I could hear Mrs. Taylor
having a hissy fit.

"Look what that stupid cat's
done. My dinner's ruined."

Well, the first thing she did,
is grab the cat,

and hand it over to her
precious little Emerson.

Now, Emerson's going on and on
about how the cat

has eaten the eyes out
of the salmon,

and how the cat's chewed up
half the salmon's face.

And would you
believe, Mrs. Taylor,

just as cool as a
cucumber, told Emerson

not to say a word to
anybody at the party.

Mrs. Taylor told him that
she'll fix the salmon

by decorating it with parsley.

Imagine, disguising a chewed
up salmon with parsley.

Mrs. Taylor and
Emerson shook hands

and zipped their lips
on their little secret.

I had to go out for an hour,
around five, you know,

when the grocery store
marks down the baked goods.

When I came back, the Taylor's
party was in full swing.

Cars parked
everywhere, an awful mess.

How was I even supposed to
get into my own driveway?

Well, as long as they
were having a good time,

what did it matter?

Everybody, and there
must have been twenty

very loud people there -

as if one extra person,
me, would have

made a big difference.

They were just raving about
the dinner.

"Great salmon",

"This fish is amazing,
Jennie",

"You must give me the recipe",

"I've never had
fish that's for sure.'

Well, they've never had my
stewed Catfish, that's for sure.

And there was Mrs. Taylor, just
soaking in the compliments,

when Emerson came
running up to her.

"Mom, Mom - I've got to
tell you something"...

Well, Mrs. Taylor tried
to shoo him away,

but he kept tugging
at her arm.

Finally, he just
blurted it out.

"Mom, Muffy ate the fish
and now she's dead!!!!"

Well, you should have
seen Mrs. Taylor's face.

I'll tell you one thing,

her underwear and
fine delicates never

come out that white
on the wash line.

Now everyone started screaming
about poisoned salmon.

[SCREAMS & WRETCHING]

Well, the shrieks and cries
from that back yard.

People wretching and gaging -

rushing to the hospital to
get their stomachs pumped.

Not what I would call a very
successful dinner party.

The next day, I happened
to see Mrs. Taylor

and Emerson in the back yard,

I popped my head
over the fence,

and asked how things had
gone the night before.

A disaster. Everybody
hurling and spewing,

said rude little Emerson.

Their friends won't
even speak to them now,

said Mrs. Taylor.

And if that's not enough,
the cat is dead.

"Oh, by the way", I said,
"about Muffy"...

Last night, driving
back from the market,

I ran over your cat.

I didn't want to disturb your
big, fancy party

so I just left the poor little
thing on your porch.

Nobody can say that
Patty Pringle

isn't a good neighbour.

This is a true story.

It happened to a
neighbour of mine...

Which is probably
why the Taylors

don't serve fish
for dinner anymore.

The second food group,
which has all kinds of

vitamins and good
stuff, is Vegetables.

Vegetables give me gas.

Everything gives you gas.

Does not.

Air gives you gas.

-Does not.
-Okay, breathe.

[DEEP BREATH...]

[FARTS]

See.

TRUCKER:
Whew! What a gross smell.

You're driving the
customers out again..

That was a perfectly
normal body function.

Which would be okay
if you had a

perfectly normal body

or a perfectly normal
brain for that matter.

Our next story...

You act like you're
better than me.

You're a maggot.
EVERYBODY'S better than you.

Oh, you do have a point.

As I was saying, here's
our next Freaky Story.

GARBAGE MAN JOE:
This is a true story.

It happened to a
friend of a friend of mine.

Jenny loved to
bundle newsprint.

She was a real
"compost queen".

Unfortunately, her family was
the most wasteful

bunch of garbage
grunts on the planet.

Every Saturday Big Bill,
that's Jenny's Dad,

would be out in the back yard
stoking up his

huge briquette-burning
barbecue for

the weekly weenie roast.

Now, Bill was a big fan
of Maxi-franks.

Eighteen inches long,
big fat and greasy.

Every Saturday, Big Bill got
the grill going good,

then Cheryl, that's
Jenny's mom, would come out

on the deck dragging a box of
frozen franks the size of a

small dumpster.

The Maxi-franks people, see,
loved packaging

almost as much as Bill loved
their weenies.

A Maxi- frank box could fill a
double sized

green garbage bag all
on it's own.

Bill and Cheryl didn't even
like to think about garbage.

You put it in
green plastic bags,

tossed it out front on the
sidewalk, and it went away.

"But where does it go?",
Jenny would demand.

"Just away", Big Bill
would reply,

"Have another hot dog."

One day, Jenny tells her Dad,

"I'm never going to eat
another maxi-frank

ever, ever, ever."

And she switches to a
diet of raw vegetables.

Big Bill and Cheryl
freaked out.

Without animal protein
they were sure

their daughter
would waste away.

They had to get her back
to eating good,

nutritious Maxi-franks.

But how?

Then Big Bill remembered a

commercial that he saw on TV.

It was all about a new
theme park -

Maxi-frank's Weenie
Wonderland.

So, Big Bill piled them
into the family car.

An hour later, they pulled
up in front of a hot dog

the size of an
incinerator stack

and on top there was a big
neon sign that said,

"Welcome to Weenie
Wonderland".

Man, you would not have
believed this place.

In the middle of all the
attractions was a huge square

filled with barbecue pits,

around a monster
Fun Bun Fountain.

And everyone who worked
there was dressed up

like plastic mustard and
ketchup bottles.

And the rides!

Bratwurst bumper cars,
sausage scramblers,

red hot roller coasters
and, of course,

the Maxi- Frank
merry-go-round.

And everybody but everybody

was chowing down
barbecued hot dogs.

And the waste!
Jenny was horrified.

Half-eaten hot dogs
and mangled buns

littered the grounds.

She decided that she had
to find the head office

and register a complaint.

And Big Bill, well, he had to
keep Jenny happy

if he expected her to start
eating meat again,

so he went along...

Then, Jenny spots
a building behind

the Pickle Pavilion.

Jenny wanted to check
it out to see if

this was where she could
make her complaint.

Big Bill didn't think it was
a good idea,

especially when a couple
of big armed guards

told them to move along.

So Jenny and Bill get
themselves a couple of costumes.

They fall in line
behind a bunch of

theme-dressed workers

and slip right by the guards.

Jenny and Bill walked down a
long, snaking corridor

and came out in a
big modern factory

with huge pipes
pumping some kind of mush

into big open vats.

High pressure hoses
squirted the stuff into

long limp hot dog skins.

Big Bill was in
seventh heaven.

But suddenly, there was a
shout and Big Bill saw

this nasty looking security
guard running towards them.

They went racing down
another long corridor,

through another door
and.... then pammo!

They were standing in this
huge concrete bunker

full of trucks dumping
garbage,

and stuff into one
great big pile!

The smell was awful!
Big Bill, got dizzy

and upchucked all
over the place.

Jenny had to help
her Dad out...

but not before he saw
the sign on the door:

"Makers of the Maxi-Frank."

That's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a
friend of mine.

Well Big Bill?

He still barbecues every week.

But now he's cremating
corn, braising beets,

and yeah, toastin' tofu.

[MAURICE SNORING]

Hey, check this out.

[MAURICE SNORING]

Now, were was I?

Oh yeah,right, Dairy.
Which is milk

and cheese and stuff like that,

makes your bones strong.

[MAURICE SNORING]

He ain't got no bones.
[LAUGHS]

Our next food group is grains,
which is rice and wheat...

BOR - RING!

Hey. Grains give you fiber
and fiber is important...

I get my fiber.

From what?

I get my fiber. Okay?

Here's our next Freaky Story.

TEENAGER KEVIN BOYD:
This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a
friend of mine.

Mike was a Stock-Boy at the
local Supermarket.

It wasn't a bad job...
as far as McJobs go.

But it was pretty boring.
Loading groceries

onto the shelves,
and sweeping the floors.

Sometimes he'd help the
Checkout Girls bag groceries -

not all the Checkout
Girls, just the "hot" ones.

Anyhow, one day Mike
was stocking the shelves,

following that old
"Stock Boy's Rules of Thumb"

of "Putting the fresh
stuff at the back

and the oldie
moldies up front",

when he was called
to the Checkout.

One of the customers needed
help carrying her groceries.

This particular customer
turned out to be a "Granny" -

and she had a ton
of bags with her.

Things were starting
to look up.

You see, another of the "Stock
Boys' Rules of Thumb"

was that "The value of the tip

is directly proportional to
the number of bags

to be carried".

Mike picked up the old
Granny's bags

and carried them out to the
parking lot.

That's when "Granny" confessed
that she didn't have a car,

and asked if he
wouldn't mind carrying the

bags back to her place.

"It's just around the
corner", she said.

It didn't take an Einstein
to figure out

the old lady'd
probably be so grateful,

she'd give him a
really humongous tip.

So Mike said "sure".

So they started walking.

That's when Mike realized that
"Just around the corner",

was kind of an understatement.

This Granny lived at least
a mile from the store --

and up hill all the way...

through a strange, gingerbready

kind of neighborhood.

The whole place was
like Granny City.

"Not too heavy for you, is it
Sonny?" asked Granny.

Mike, drenched with sweat,

grunted and shook
his head 'no'.

"Mind the eggs,
dear", she said.

They finally got to her house.

Mike dragged the bags
up the front steps.

He put the bags on
the kitchen table

and then collapsed
into a chair.

He was totally wiped.

That's when Granny said,
"You've been so kind.

Let me get you something

for your time and trouble.
I'll be right back."

This is what he'd
been waiting for...

As the old lady scurried
into the back room,

she called out, "You
must be hungry.

Why don't you fix
yourself a snack.

There's lots to eat
in the pantry."

Mike was starving, now
that she mentioned it.

He got up and opened
the pantry doors.

It was dark and
musty, filled with jars of

things like jellied
calve's livers

and pig's knuckles.

What other weird
stuff would he find?

Something gross maybe?

He knew he should
stop looking,

but he couldn't help himself.
He was hungry.

He opened a cupboard door
and it rolled out at him.

He was scared, but
he caught it.

It was -- nothing
weird at all.

It was just a small jar
of mixed nuts.

He popped some of the
nuts into his mouth.

They were pretty good.
Coulda' used some salt...

but not too bad otherwise.

They'd hold him 'til he
found some real food.

But there was nothing.

Just jar after jar,
shelf after shelf of

yucky stuff like porpoise
parts and monkey meat.

Mike was getting
the dry heaves

just from looking at it.

He decided to stick
with the nuts,

thank you very much.

At least he knew
nuts were safe.

And before he knew it, he'd
finished off the jar.

Finally, Granny came
back into the kitchen.

"Here you go, dearie!
Something for your trouble."

And she held out
fifteen cents.

Mike took the money.
"Gee, thanks,lady."

Yeesh. All that work
for nothing.

But, on the bright side, he'd
got a free snack out of it.

"Oh, by the way..." he said.

"You had some mixed nuts in
the cupboard...

Sorry, I couldn't stop myself
and I kinda ate 'em all."

"Oh, that's alright, Sonny..."

Granny said with
a kindly smile.

"With the state of my teeth,

all I can do is suck the
chocolate off 'em anyway..."

Hey, it's a true story.

It happened to a friend of
a friend of mine.

Yeah, Mike's still working at
the supermarket.

But he's added a new rule to
the Stock-Boys' Rules of Thumb:

"Never eat on the job!"

[CHEWING]

See... I do get my fiber.

See you next time.
With my new assistant...

You can't get anybody for
what you're paying me.

I'm paying you nothing.

And I'm worth every penny.

See you next time.

If you're still alive.

Maurice... Maurice?
Hey!