Original subtitles

♪ ♪

LOUISE: Okay, off to school.

Again. It's like every day with that place.

At least part of the day will be taken up with that assembly.

Right. Assemblies are... always so not boring.

- I love assembling. - What assembly?

It's called the "College Is Cool" assembly.

I-I guess they want us to think college is cool.

Well, then they should have called it "Coolidge."

College? Already?

But you're too young to think about that.

I think college sounds kind of fun.

You get to live in a dorm.

I've always wanted to wear flip-flops in the shower.

You don't need to go off to college.

Stay home with us. Wear flip-flops here.

Our tub is disgusting.

Lin, relax. They're not going today.

It's still a ways off.

Yeah, right. What, like ten years?

- Four years. - Oh, God.

Well, we better head out.

Oh, yeah, don't want to miss a minute. Bye.

- Bye, Mom. - GENE: Bye, Mama. - No, kids, don't go!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

(sighs) My babies!

- (hyperventilating) - Lin. Breathe.

Easy.

(Linda sighs)

Linda? You okay?

You've been making that sound a lot.

Yeah, Teddy.

I'm just thinking about how our children

are gonna leave us one day, and then we'll be all alone.

With each other?

I guess.

Yeah, you'll-you'll still have me.

- And me. - Well, more me.

Yeah, probably more you.

- BOB: Mm. - Eh, I better get going.

Two funerals this weekend.

Oh, was it a murder-suicide?

- Geez. - Teddy. - Sorry, sorry.

My mom got me hooked on Dateline.

Good show. You get to see a lot of the country.

Um... bye?

Bye! Enjoy your funerals.

- (entry bell chimes) - Hi. Uh, my car broke down.

Can I use your phone to call a tow truck?

Oh, no. Course you can, hon.

I'll get you the number of the tow guy we like.

- Head Shoulders Knees and Tows. - Thank you so much.

My son gave me a fancy phone,

but I never remember to charge it.

I'm like that with toilets. I never remember to flush 'em.

Yeah, technology, right?

Oh, hi, I'm at Bob's Burgers on, um...

- On Ocean Avenue. - On Ocean Avenue.

...on Ocean Avenue, and I need a tow truck.

Yes, my name is Bea Cromwell.

- Huh. Your name sounds familiar. - Really?

Eh, maybe it's just 'cause it reminds me of bees.

(whispering): I'm leaving. Bye, Bob.

- Bye, Linda. - Yeah, it's a gray Toyota.

- Bye, Teddy. - Bye, Teddy.

Don't do a murder-suicide.

- We won't. - Probably won't.

Okay. Thank you. Bye.

- Are they coming? - Yes.

They said they're busy today, so it'll be around 45 minutes.

Is it okay if I wait here?

- Sure. Coffee? - Okay. Thanks.

- So, you live nearby? - Um...

- No, Connecticut. - Ooh, Connecticut.

Did you know it's spelled "Connect-icut"?

- Weird, huh? - Uh... yup.

What is that? You print out a whole book?

Uh... yeah, in-in a way, it's a manuscript.

Ooh, you're a writer?

Were you sick of writing in Connecticut?

Too much nice foliage?

Sometimes stuff's just too nice.

No, I'm in town for a reading of one of my books.

Oh, what do you write? Maybe I've read your stuff.

You write any of those audiobooks?

I've written, uh, in a few different genres, actually.

- Kids' books, adult fiction... - (gasps)

You're Bea Cromwell! I know how I know your name!

You wrote Snail and Newt.

Oh, my God...!

Yeah, well, that was many, many years ago, yes, yes.

Bob, this is Bea Cromwell.

She wrote all the Snail and Newts.

Uh, yes, I-I heard you screaming.

Uh, our family has really enjoyed your books.

Aw, we must have read Snail and Newt to our kids

100 times when they were little.

"Snail and Newt gaze at the sweet strawberry tart.

"'You don't think they'll be mad

"if we take a nibble, right, Snail?'

"'I don't think so, Newt.

"'What if they left it for us?

"Then it would be rude for us not to eat it,'

"replied Snail.

"'I hate being rude.

"We'd better eat the whole thing.'

Snail and Newt begin to devour the tart..."

"Finally, there it was, the mysterious treasure

"they had hiked, biked and climbed to find.

"'We're rich,' said Newt.

"'I do hope we don't get hoity-toity,' said Snail.

(yawning): "'Yes. Hoity or toity,

but not both,' said Newt."

(Bob snoring)

- Dad, wake up! - Dad, Dad. - Keep reading.

Ah! Sorry, sorry. I'm awake.

"The pond was quiet. The loudest sound was

"the crickets in the long grass.

"Snail held Newt's hand as the changes gripped him

"and he became a true creature of the under-pond.

(crying): "'Newt.

"'Newt, I would give anything to go with you.

If only I could...'"

I'm sorry, Bob. You take it.

"'If only I could.'

"And when Newt couldn't stay in the open air

"for another moment, he let go of Snail

"and slipped under the surface of the pond.

(sniffles): 'Goodbye, Newt.'"

God, it got me, too.

Those are the best books

about snails and newts ever written.

So, is that what your reading is for?

- Did you write another one? - Oh, uh, no.

I-I loved writing those books,

but I wrote them years ago when my kids were little.

I-I write dramatic thrillers now for adults.

Books for adults? I guess that's a thing.

Yes. Yes, it is.

My new book is about a middle-aged librarian

who learns mixed martial arts to infiltrate the mob

and break up a rare books crime ring.

Yeah, that book sounds good.

I didn't really listen to what you said it was about,

but, Bea,

the Snail and Newt books were magical.

- Uh, thanks. I don't... - And if you can make that kind of magic,

why would you ever stop?

You think David Copperfield would say, "No more magic"

and never pull out another dove from his blouse?

You're very sweet, Linda, sort of,

but I'm not writing another Snail and Newt book.

But maybe? Maybe?

Am I seeing a nod? Was that a nod?

Lin, you're the one who's nodding.

Yeah, okay. All right, okay.

GENE (singsongy): Pizza day, a-pizza day.

I've been chanting this all morning,

and the teachers love it 'cause it's pizza day.

(gasps) Ah. Crap.

Huh. Look at Mr. Frond.

Okay. So far I hate this game.

Yeah, I sort of wish there was more to it.

What has he got there? Why is he acting so squirmy?

- Let's go make him squirmier. - But it's pizza day!

It's in the Constitution.

Okay, fine.

- Uh, Mr. Frond? - (gasps)

What you got behind your back there?

Uh-- Nothing. Ah!

Is that cat food?

Yes. That's my lunch.

Adults eat different things.

So we've got that to look forward to.

(groaning)

GENE: Cat food and a cat toy?

You're really into the culture.

- Yep. Uh-huh. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. Frond.

- What's going on here? - Nothing!

Okay, then I guess we'll just follow you

and watch you during your eat and play time.

(quietly): All right, all right, listen.

My cat is stuck in the tree in front of school,

and I'm trying to lure him down before anyone finds out.

Why is your cat stuck in a tree at school?

(whispering): I had to bring him.

Dr. Bojangles has one more day of his allergy meds,

and he needs it every three hours.

I tried to sneak him into work with me, but he got out.

- He's very athletic. - (groaning)

I don't know where he gets it from,

but it's definitely not from me.

Anyway, he climbed up the tree in front of the school,

and now he's stuck up there.

And if Principal Spoors finds out I brought Dr. Bojangles

to school again, I'll be in so much trouble.

He's weird about bringing cats to school.

I have to get him down during lunch

because I'm supposed to be "available for counseling"

fourth period, and then it's the assembly

and I have to introduce the college people.

And they want me to say, "Make some noise

for continuing education,"

and I just don't think I can pull off

- the phrase "make some noise." - No, you can't.

So you're just gonna go to the front of the school

where everyone in the school can see you

'cause of this thing called windows,

and you're gonna be holding some cat food

and jiggling a cat toy?

And jiggling your moneymaker, probably.

You need a cover story. Like, for instance,

a guidance counselor and a few students outside,

doing something that is totally normal and not cat-related.

- Interesting. - And maybe all these kind students

receive in return for helping is

a couple of "get out of detention free" cards?

What the heck is a "get out of detention free" card?

To get us out of future detentions.

Doesn't it sound like something that should already exist?

No, I-I can't bribe kids

with "get out of detention free" cards. They're not real.

Plus, it would be unethical. Okay, it's a deal.

- Yes! - Let me at that thing!

- (grunting) - (tuts)

(quietly): Bob, look what I got from upstairs.

- Snail and Newt. - Wait, you went up to the apartment?

So nobody was watching the front of the house.

(shushes) I'm gonna remind her

how special these books are so she'll write another one.

Or you could just stop pressuring her

and let her do what she wants to do?

Well, in my plan I'm helping children

and bringing families together, and in your plan...

- Well, your plan sucks, no offense. - Hmm.

(singsongy): Hey, Bea, look what I got.

Oh, Snail and Newt. Yeah, there it is.

- Yeah, look at it. You wrote this. - Yes.

(as Newt): Hey, Bea, it's me Newt. Remember me?

- Mm... - (phone rings)

(as Snail): I'm Snail, I've got

- a little hat on my head. - Bob's Burgers.

I just, um...

Actually, I need to use the restroom.

Uh, would you keep an eye out for the tow truck?

Sure thing, my little Bea Author.

- Get it? She does. - Okay, thanks.

- (door closes) - Uh, that was the tow truck.

They're pulling up now, I think.

Already? No, no, no, no, no, no!

Hi. Uh, I know this is a little weird,

but could you come back in a few minutes or half an hour?

Uh, no, that's not how this works.

No, I know, but it's important. You understand.

- Uh, just come back in a bit. - No...

Listen, what if I told you Bea Cromwell isn't gonna write

any more Snail and Newt books unless we change her mind?

Yeah... I'm gonna drive away.

- But you're coming back? - Nope.

Oh! No, wait! Ah, you left.

- (entry bell chimes) - Oh, boy. Okay.

Did you just do what I think you did?

Mm...

- Still no tow truck? - (sighs) Not yet.

(laughs nervously)

- More like a slow truck, right? - Oh, my God.

(quietly): Lin, you sent Bea Cromwell's tow truck away.

Are we holding her hostage now? I mean, are you?

Uh, I'm gonna tell the police it was all you.

- I just work here. - I didn't mean to.

I mean, I did, but different. It just happened.

(whispering): We need to get Bea's tow truck back here.

Okay, yes, let's call them.

- Or... - Or what?

- We call them in a little bit. - What? No.

This is already happening, Bob.

And I was making progress, pre-progress.

I just need a little more time.

- (groans) I don't like it. - It's fine.

- Bea? You want to have a burger while you wait? - Oh!

You know, the tow truck really should be here any second.

I'd, um, I'd hate for you to make a burger

- and I can't stay to eat it. - Oh, don't worry about that.

Bob loves making burgers, even if they don't get eaten.

Sometimes he just makes 'em and throws 'em right in the trash.

- Right, Bob? - No, I don't do that.

- Sometimes. - Never done that.

- Make her a burger, please. - Yup.

- Look! (smooches) - (cat meowing)

- (making weird noises) - LOUISE: Well, I for one

love these outdoor guidance counseling sessions.

You under a tree, standing on a ladder,

facing away from us, teaching us about self-confidence.

- And trees. - Yup, there's nothing odd about this at all.

Darn it. He's too scared to play with his toy,

and he's not hungry enough to come for the food.

I've never felt that way in my life.

- I need a taller ladder. - (school bell rings)

- No! The bell. - Wait, wait, wait, we can do this.

We'll just skip our last class before assembly.

No. No. No skipping class.

Oh... the assembly.

Principal Spoors will know if I'm not there.

Why do I have to be so good at introducing assemblies?

Dr. Bojangles, I need you to either come down

in the next 35 minutes or stay up there

for the next two hours, for your own safety.

But I don't know if you're understanding any of this.

He probably got the gist. He seems smart.

- He is a doctor. - It's an honorary degree.

I gave it to him, and I can take it away.

There's so much more they could do.

These two characters, they've got legs.

Well, not Snail, but, you know, like, uh...

Snail and Newt go to dental hygienist school.

Kids like that, right?

Or what about if Snail and Newt inherit a haunted mansion?

Oh, I know! They could find a human baby

and raise it up to be a country music star.

Maybe I should call the tow truck company again?

- It has been a while. May I use your...? - No.

I can't call the tow truck?

They actually called while you were in the bathroom.

- They did? - Yeah, I forgot to tell you.

Oops. They're running a little late

because, uh... one of their tow trucks broke down.

Can you believe it? A tow truck needing a tow truck.

That's like a doctor needing a doctor.

Wait, they probably do.

Where were we? Oh! What about, uh...

- Snail and Newt meet a time-traveling spider monkey? - No.

Who can tell me what this constellation is?

- The Big Dipper? - No.

- Oh. - Follow the laser.

The Medium Dipper?

Anyone besides Peter? It's Leo.

He's a lion. See?

Kind of looks like a cat? Sort of? Not really.

I mean, I don't know who named these things,

- but, you know, maybe cats used to look different? - (gasps)

- Yes, Gene? - Uh... nothing.

I just love Leos-- DiCaprio, da Vinci.

Anyway, go on.

Do you think she's starting to change her mind at all?

- She's coming around, right? - I mean,

she said, "I'm gonna go work on my manuscript by myself,"

and then she sat in the farthest booth away

and she hasn't made eye contact since.

I just thought if I could show her

how much we love the books...

Lin, I think she's clear on how much we love the books.

So maybe it's time to... Hmm?

- (groans) - You're doing the right thing,

after not doing the right thing so, so much.

Bea? I'm gonna give the tow truck another call.

Okay. Thank you.

Hi, I'm calling from Bob's Burgers on Ocean Avenue.

(quietly): And, uh, we would like the truck to come back.

Uh, can I get you something else?

More coffee? Some ice cream? Napkins?

Sorry, I-I'm just saying things that we have.

Thank you, no.

(whispering): No, you don't need to talk to her.

I'll pay extra, just-- Okay, fine. Hold on.

- Um, Bea? - Yeah?

They, uh, want to talk to you.

BOB: Oh, God.

Uh, you have to let go of it from your end.

- Sorry, yeah. - What are we gonna do?

Just keep smiling like everything's fine.

Yes, I want the truck. I've been waiting for a long...

What do you mean cancel again?

- Oh, no. - (whispers): Keep smiling. Keep smiling.

I definitely want the truck as soon as possible. Thank you.

Well, I'm gonna wait outside. No reason.

Yup. Makes sense.

Bea, I'm sorry. Let me explain!

Oh, you're coming at me. Um...

No, I know what I did was a lot, but let me explain.

Oh! Oh, oh, look! Uh... (stammers)

Snail keychain. Hey, that's cute.

And now you've got my keys. Please just, um...

I'd like-- I'd like to leave now!

- Uh, Lin, maybe... - No, Bea.

You don't understand...

You can't keep me trapped in here.

Stop! Don't come any closer.

- (groaning) - Bea, don't leave.

I mean, you can go if you want to, but don't.

I'm not saying that in a scary way.

Don't run away from me!

- (screaming) - Bea!

Bea, I'm sorry! Come back inside!

I'll give you your keys, we can talk about this!

Leave me alone!

- Lin, stop chasing her. - I'm not chasing her.

I'm helping her. I'm fine, it's fine.

- Bea! - Uh... I-I got-- I got to go inside.

But remember you can also come inside

and stop doing all of this.

I'll be right in.

It's gonna be fine. Everything's fine!

If this is goodbye, I love you.

RAPPER: ♪ Come gather round, everyone ♪

♪ We're gonna tell you why college is cool and fun ♪

♪ It isn't just for squares who get good grades ♪

♪ It's for super hip kids with skateboards and shades ♪

Damn, they're getting me excited about college.

- Really? - Tina! Louise!

(whispering): Don't go into the assembly.

I know how to get Dr. Bojangles out of the tree.

Ms. Twitchell's laser pointer.

She let me borrow it because I said I want to do science now.

So if you see her, tell her I'm doing science now.

Gene, you brilliant bastard.

I can almost smell those "get out of detention free" passes,

and they smell like getting out of detention for free.

Gosh, I guess we have to miss the assembly

to go help Mr. Frond again.

- Ugh, too bad. - Yeah.

Oh, you were being sarcastic.

But won't we get in trouble for skipping the assembly?

Frond won't let that happen.

Plus, Tina, Dr. Bojangles' life hangs in the balance, literally.

If only we could show Dr. Bojangles

that "hang in there" kitty cat poster.

Okay, fine. Let's go find Mr. Frond.

Isn't he emceeing the assembly?

Well, he's not here,

so he must be in hair and makeup?

BRANCA: Why do you need such a tall ladder?

- You could fall and get hurt. - (grunts)

I told you, it's very important,

but I also can't tell you anything about it.

Mr. Frond, I can't let you do this.

You know how uncoordinated you are.

- In-in a cute way. It's endearing. - (school bell rings)

Now, let's go enjoy the assembly together, eh?

Aah!

The assembly.

Damn, he's not here either.

Cat, yes. Frond, no.

Unless the cat ate him?

Eh, there'd be signs of a struggle

and bits of sweater vest everywhere.

- LOUISE: We'll just have to do this ourselves. - (meows)

I'm gonna call us The Pointer Sisters

- because I'm so excited! - (meows)

Oh, it's not working.

- That cat's broken. - Give me that.

You can't just flick it around.

You got to flirt a little.

TINA: I'd date that dot.

Bea? Let me in, please.

- Mort! - MORT: Uh... Uh, hi, Linda!

- LINDA: Hi, Mort! - Leave me alone!

LINDA: I just want to talk to you, Bea!

Mort? Come on, let me in.

We're not letting her in.

(straining): Mort, can you tell Bea

I'm a very nice, normal person?

There you go, follow that dot,

you adorable idiot.

Tina, get ready to try and grab him.

Uh... Gene, it seems like you two have more in common,

so maybe you should try.

Okay. Here I come, Dr. Bojangles.

Permission to put my hands in your armpits?

- Oh. - Wow. - Okay.

Now, you just have to carry him all the way to Frond's office.

Try to make him look like... a kid who needs counseling?

If anyone asks, you're having trouble

adjusting to your parents' new living situation.

And it's not your fault.

I don't hear her anymore.

Maybe she realized that she was scaring you

and she went back to the restaurant?

She's usually a nice person, when she's not scary.

- Hmm. - What do you say we open the door?

I mean, this is a business,

and sometimes people come in here, alive ones.

Uh... okay.

And... there you go. No Linda.

- Here I am! - Oh, God!

Sorry. Was that not fun?

That was supposed to be fun. Look, Bea.

I'm just here to give you your keys and say I'm really sorry.

Okay, fine. Thank you.

So sorry the tow truck guy left 'cause of me,

and I didn't tell you.

It's only because of the books.

And I won't take up any more of your time,

but it's $6.50 for the burger.

I'm j-- I'm just kidding. It's on Mort. Right, Mort?

- Wait, what? - Oh, I'm kidding.

Burger's on the house, of course.

You see? I'm a fun person.

Yeah, you're delightful.

Thank you. Hey, let's start over.

Clean slate. Hi, I'm Linda,

and I haven't held you hostage in my restaurant at all today.

- Mm-hmm. - And so what's your name, Bea Cromwell?

- (sneezes) - Bless you.

Oh, there's the allergies.

This guy needs his medicine.

The divorce has been hard on him.

Ah, almost there.

- SCHNUR: What's happening here? - (all gasp)

So, you'll maybe consider writing another Snail and Newt?

Uh-huh. Whatever I have to say until you're gone.

Aw, great. Well, so nice to meet you.

- Mm-hmm. - Here's your keys.

We're good, right? I feel like we're good.

Should we hug? Let's have a hug.

Uh... no, no, no.

(Linda and Bea grunting)

I'll, uh, be right back.

- Sorry. - (entry bell chimes)

MORT: All right. Okay.

- Hi, Bob. - BOB: Yep.

That's pretty much what I pictured was happening here.

Uh, Bea, I'm so sorry about what my wife did,

but maybe you could let her go?

Lin, are you okay?

(straining): I'm fine. I'm great.

Where'd you learn how to do that?

I studied Krav Maga when I was researching my latest book.

Very cool. I took a bike safety class

at the rec center.

- Kind of similar. - Bea? Uh, M-Ms. Cromwell?

L-Linda's not as dangerous

as she might have seemed to you before.

Canceling my tow truck? Taking my keys?

I also picked up a hair of yours

that fell off your head to show the kids later.

Sorry, I know it's weird.

I just feel safer if we do this until the tow truck comes,

- and maybe the police. - I get it.

I still don't know what cat you're talking about.

- Oh, this cat. - Uh-huh.

No animals at school. Wait a second.

I recognize you.

Did Mr. Frond bring his cat to school again?

- No, no. - What, no? - No, no.

He looked at me when I said Mr. Frond.

See? There. He just did it again.

This is our... science project.

Yeah. We made it?

- Pretty good, huh? - Oh, dear Lord.

(stammers) How dare you bring a cat to school?

You probably thought I'd go easier on you

because he looks just like my cat,

but you can't bring a cat onto school property.

Everyone knows that. I'll handle this, Ms. Schnur.

You three march yourselves into my office.

I'm calling your parents.

I mean, don't be too hard on them.

No, no. I'm none too pleased.

- None too pleased! - (sneezes)

It's a good thing I have allergy medicine for you,

cat I've never met in my life.

In. In. In. In.

All right.

So, uh, you're really good at this.

- What's it called again? - Krav Maga.

Maybe Snail and Newt could do, uh, Kraw Magoo.

- That would be fun. Ow. - Hey, Lin?

Uh, I know how much you-- we all loved those books,

but she doesn't really need to write

any more Snail and Newt, does she?

I mean, you know, someday we'll have grandkids.

Hopefully, uh, like, 20 years from now,

but you'll get to read them the books

if you're not in jail.

Bea, maybe you could let her go?

And I could hold her down for you?

- W-Would that be helpful? - I know I went overboard.

It's just I-I thought if you could write a book,

another book, we could be back in our bed,

all-all snuggling and crying and laughing again,

and maybe no one has to grow up and leave and go to college.

I know it doesn't make sense. I know.

Lin, if it helps, I'm pretty sure

at least two of our kids are gonna have to live at home

for a long time.

I just wish I could freeze those moments

and go back and live in 'em a little longer.

You know? Before it's all gone

and we end up here at Mort's.

Get to end up here. Friend prices.

It makes me sad,

and then I did all this stuff.

- I'm-I'm sorry, Bea. - Listen, Linda.

My kids are in college now.

And, yeah, it's different, and I miss them.

And they definitely don't call me enough,

but it's also good.

Is it? It sounds awful.

- Your life sounds awful. - Okay, just stop.

It's good because this is what's supposed to happen.

They're supposed to grow up.

Stuff changes, and then you enjoy the changes.

And I do so much less laundry now.

- Oh, yeah. - That does sound nice.

(sniffles) Thank you, Bea.

I can't feel my arms or my neck anymore, but thank you.

Bye, Bea! Maybe I'll come by your reading!

- BEA: No! - I'll just stop by.

Ooh, gosh, she's strong.

I love that she put you in a full nelson.

I love that you were in a full nelson.

I want to reenact what happened all night.

Children's book authors. Great at grappling, huh?

And spelling, I bet.

So, uh, how was the college assembly?

Was it awful, I hope? Just kidding.

Sort of. I mean, it's good if you're excited.

What's exciting is, we're gonna be able to get in anywhere

because our records are going to be spotless,

thanks to our friend Dr. Bojangles.

- Who? - He's a cat who's also a doctor.

Okay. I'm a little worried about that.

♪ Every moment we're together ♪

♪ Is another moment I will treasure ♪

♪ Snail and Newt in any weather ♪

♪ But too bad it's not forever ♪

♪ Because someday you'll have to go ♪

♪ And live your life, though it kills me so ♪

♪ I don't know how I will go on ♪

♪ Why get out of bed if you are gone? ♪

LINDA: What about Snail and Newt try stand-up?

Oh, oh! Snail and Newt get fun haircuts. Two tight perms.

Snail and Newt go on tour with Guns N' Roses.

Snail and Newt start a fight club.

Snail and Newt go to Buffalo.

Oh, Snail and Newt eat too much mac and cheese,

and then they can't poop.

Oh, Snail and Newt go to couples' counseling

and they work it all out.

♪ But every moment we're together ♪

♪ Is another moment I will treasure. ♪

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