Original subtitles

♪ ♪

LINDA: Okay, my little snow globes,

I found some mittens for our snow tubing trip today.

Not all the mittens have matches,

but you can mix them up

like Punky Brewster did with her shoes.

Boy, she knew how to have fun.

My snow pants are kind of tight.

Guess I grew a little since last winter.

That's what happens when we water you

and give you lots of sunlight.

(sighs) This coat seems pretty aerodynamic.

Probably not gonna get a lot of wind resistance.

- Good for snoobing. - What's snoobing?

Oh, like snow tubing? Snoobing? I get it.

Yeah, you do.

These feel okay, I guess.

Can you tell they're giving me a wedgie?

- No...? - (doorbell rings)

BOB: That's probably Teddy.

I'll let him in.

Why is Teddy coming upstairs?

Is the restaurant gonna be up here today?

No, he's coming to work on

a bunch of little things around the apartment.

You know, like the wobbly flusher on the toilet.

We're finally gonna fix it.

But our wobbly flusher makes a funky sound when I jiggle it.

Now what am I gonna jiggle?

- Hey, Teddy. - Hey, Linda.

Oh, you kids are bundled up. Going outside to play?

I guess the snow's not that old and dirty.

- That's what we say about Dad. - Gene.

We're going snow tubing today.

- Snoobing. - Snoobing. Right.

Oh, that sounds fun.

You guys going to Avalanche Mountain?

Avalanche Mountain closed.

Oh, no. Why'd it close? Avalanche?

No. Back taxes, I think.

We're gonna try this new place out in Redburn.

- Wait. You guys are going to Redburn today? - Yeah, why?

My mom's buried in the cemetery in Redburn.

She is? I didn't know that.

Yeah. Uh, we didn't live there, but it's a nice cemetery.

I remember my dad was sort of proud

that he got her a plot there.

Is that like getting into a good school?

Should I start doing more extracurriculars now, or...?

- Uh, no, Tina. - Oh, good.

Wait, you guys have never visited my mom's grave.

I mean, I haven't been there myself

in a really, really long time.

But if you guys are going to Redburn,

maybe I'll come with you,

and then maybe we can all visit my mom's grave,

and we can go snoobing together afterwards?

What are we gonna do about the restaurant?

We could close for now and be back for the dinner rush.

You're closing the restaurant for lunch.

I didn't plan on that, but it's totally fine.

I can change my plans.

No big deal. Mr. Flexible over here.

- Easy, Teddy. - Sorry. Sorry.

Okay. We're going to see your mom's grave,

and then-then we're gonna go snoobing.

Uh, okay.

You're saying "okay" in a way that's not weird at all.

Yeah. It's just, uh, you know, my thing with cemeteries.

Uh, they kind of give me the heebie-jeebies.

Heebie Jeebies is the name of Ken's Oingo Boingo cover band.

Oh, right, I forgot about your cemetery thing.

If you want, you can stay at the restaurant

and I'll take the kids today.

Oh, that's an interesting idea.

Keep the restaurant open. Linda?

Uh, no, no, I'll go and support my husband

and all that good wife crap.

- I mean, I love you. - Hmm.

LINDA: Supportive. Yay.

So, it's taking us a little longer to get there

than I thought it would.

We hit some traffic.

- And there were some pee stops. - GENE: Mm-hmm.

And it also took a while to leave the apartment.

Making cards for my mom, for Grandma,

seemed like a good idea that I had,

but it was time-consuming.

Some of us nailed it.

"You put the grand in grandma, I'm guessing.

I never met you. Love, Tina."

Eh, it's no drawing of Grandma

kickboxing all the clouds in heaven.

And I wrote, "I hope you're giving heaven hell."

I drew her as Uma Thurman from that dancing scene

with John Travolta in Pulp Fiction.

She'll love it.

So, Dad, when was the last time

you visited your mom's grave?

Oh, I honestly can't remember.

It was so many years ago.

- Did you have hair? - Yes.

- On the part of your head that I can see right now? - Yes.

- What color was it? - GENE: Were you a spicy redhead back then?

- BOB: No. - GENE: Boo.

(Linda moaning nervously)

BOB: Lin, you okay?

Oh, yeah. I'm just ducking down.

You know, in case anything comes out of the cemetery

to suck my soul.

I mean, I know that's not how it works.

Uh, no, that's how it works.

Lin, you-you can stay in the car.

You don't have to get out.

Me? In the car?

By myself? In the cemetery?

Are you playing Clue right now?

Or how about we park on the street?

And the kids and I can walk inside?

Ah, no, I want to be there for you.

Seriously, you-you don't have to come in.

LINDA: Really?

Yes. Definitely.

Okay. Kids, say hi to Grandma for me.

And if anything tries to suck your soul,

just spit on your fingertips, slap the ground three times,

and run back to the car.

Okay.

LOUISE: Ooh, look at all that white gold. Sorry, sorry.

We're visiting Grandma now, snoobing later.

- I'm in the moment. - BOB: All right, I-I think we go that way?

Or maybe that way?

TINA: Okay. Good start.

Oh, that building must be the office.

Uh, let's go in and see if they have a map.

And maybe a hot cocoa to warm up?

TINA: I'd sit by the fire and have a hot cocoa.

Guys, there's no cocoa.

It's an office at a cemetery, not a lodge.

LOUISE: Not with that attitude.

Hi. Bathroom's over there on the left.

Uh, we don't need the bathroom.

Oh, sorry, you had that look.

Our dad just has resting pee face.

Louise. Um, I-I'm looking for my mother's grave.

Do you happen to have a map I could use?

Oh, yes. We have maps.

Where did I put them?

Sorry for your loss. Uh, when did your mother pass?

Um, 33 years ago...?

I mean, 32. Wait, how old am I?

64?

- Lower. I think. - I'm not in my 60s.

When was the last time you visited us?

Um, uh, you know, it's been a while.

Last year?

Not quite last year, no.

I-I think it's been, um, uh, 20 years?

Did you move out of state?

That happens when people move out of state.

No, no, we've been... We've been here.

O-kay.

Here's a map. What's your mother's name?

Belcher. Lily Belcher.

Let's see...

Ah, she's right over here.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Gonna get this baby ready to give to Grandma.

Oh, uh, sorry, can't leave cards.

Or anything except flowers.

Oh, my mom didn't like getting flowers.

She was more of a "don't pick 'em,

just leave 'em" kind of person.

That's what I say about boogers.

Well, cards are against the rules, sorry.

It's okay. We don't have to leave our cards.

I didn't work a long time on mine or anything.

I could leave Grandma the granola bar

I just found in my pocket.

They're biodegradable.

I hope she likes them warm and smushed.

(grunts) Is it rude to pick your wedgie in a cemetery?

I think it's rude not to.

This map is really hard to read.

It-it looks like a Xerox of a Xerox.

Oh, Papa, stop making up words and find Grandma already.

Okay, well, she's not here,

because this seems like the really old part of the cemetery.

That I sort of remember?

It's pretty, in a grave-y way.

Also in a groovy way.

That guy died in the '60s. The 1860s.

Lot of walking, which is cool.

Should we have rented Segues for this?

- Cemetery Segues? - Segue-teries?

Okay, we're looking for a grave that's flat on the ground.

Uh, I can't read this. Can-can you read this?

Uh, are those even letters?

I think it says Patrick-cake?

No, it says Ram-snicks-icks.

Uh, let's try this way.

GENE: I wonder how Mom's doing. Do you think she remembers us?

♪ Everything is fine, everything's okay ♪

♪ Not gonna look at the cemetery ♪

♪ Oh, my God I peeked ♪

♪ Did the dead people see me? ♪

♪ Are they gonna come get me? ♪

♪ I sure hope not. ♪

Okay, where are we?

Don't worry, kids, we-we're gonna find Grandma soon.

Oh, what? It's fine, we haven't been keeping track

of how long this is taking at all.

Wait a second, are we back in the old part of the cemetery?

Oh, yeah. I remember that angel.

The snow makes it look like he's wearing a cool hat.

I remember I said, "Cool hat, bro."

Oh, my God. I have no idea where I'm supposed to go.

I can't find my mom's grave. I-I can't find my mom's grave.

I am a horrible person.

But a great granola bar opener?

Please? Sir?

Oh, yeah, look at that. Good job, Dad.

I'm so sorry, kids, this-this was

not supposed to take this long.

You should be snoobing right now.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's fine, it's fine.

But we can't go without seeing my mom's grave.

I mean, I don't really believe in ghosts,

but I feel like all these people buried here are judging me

and saying I'm a terrible son and a terrible person.

Maybe they're saying, "No prob, Bob. Go snoob."

Yeah, if the ghosts are judging you,

it's about so many other things.

(grunts) I wish I wore bigger pants.

We all do.

Uh, I'm gonna call your mom

and tell her we're gonna be a little longer.

Okay, there's like a 90% chance my whole family got

pulled into a grave and that's why they're taking so long.

- (phone buzzes) - Ah! Bob?

BOB: Lin-- We're-- We're, uh-- - metery-- a little bit l-- now.

What? I-I can't hear you. Y-You're breaking up.

BOB: I c-- hear you-- No, you're c-- - ing out.

Did you get pulled into a grave or not?

Lin? Oh, disconnected. Really bad reception here.

I mean, it's not like they need cell phone service,

but I'd like to think

wherever they are now has unlimited texting.

Ah, shoot. I lost him.

- (phone buzzes) - Hello? Bob?

- Hey, Lin. - Teddy?

The toilet handle is fixed

and I'm just finishing patching that hole in the wall.

Well, I won't be able to walk by it

and say "holey moley" anymore,

but it'll be nice to have a fixed-up wall.

- Thanks, Teddy. - Sure thing.

Hey, I tried to call Bob and it went straight to voice mail.

Is he screening my calls? Just kidding. But is he?

No, he's in the cemetery and there's bad reception there.

Oh. Why aren't you in the cemetery?

I'm waiting for them in the car.

- I couldn't go in. - Oh, right.

Your whole totally normal for an adult fear of cemeteries thing.

Yeah, I-I know.

I feel bad, but why couldn't Bob's mom be buried

in a nice, well-lit mall or something?

But Lin, if anything scary's gonna happen,

it'll happen at night. During the day,

it's just a pretty park with not enough places to sit.

You know what, Teddy? You're right.

It's daytime. I'll be fine.

Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go inside the cemetery

and I'm gonna be there for Bob.

Good for you, Lin.

Oof, I-I'm feeling light-headed.

Teddy, are you okay?

Yeah, I think it's low blood sugar.

I skipped lunch.

I couldn't think of any place to eat

and I'm not allowed to pretend to be Bob

and cook in the restaurant anymore,

so here we are. (chuckles)

Listen, help yourself to anything in the fridge.

Okay. Thanks, Lin, I'm gonna go do that right now.

Okay, bye.

Oh, but don't eat the leftover meatloaf,

we're saving that for dinner.

Hello? Oh, he hung up.

It's okay, I'll text him.

And I'll text Bob his super supportive wife is on her way.

And he's lucky to have me.

Eh, what do we got here?

Oh, meatloaf. Maybe I'll try this.

Should I heat it up or...

Oh. Oh, I'm eating it. It's so good.

Oh, and now I'm crying a little bit.

- Oh, I was so hungry. - (phone dings)

Oh. Oh...

TINA: Damn. The sun looks like it's gonna set soon.

It's 'snoob big deal.

I mean, it's no big deal.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry again, kids.

Hey, there's still a little time to snoob,

if we found the grave, like, right now.

What if we shouted "Grandma"?

Maybe she'd give us a sign

and a branch would fall off a tree or something?

Grandma! Anything?

Uh, okay, let's not shout "Grandma" in a cemetery.

A lot of people here probably answer to that name.

Oh, hey, look. Uh, a flat section.

We weren't here already, were we?

GENE: I don't think so.

I don't see any footprints in the snow.

Or any of the beautiful butt-prints I made.

Okay, great. Let's try this section.

- And make more butt-prints. And this time I won't hold back. - Mm.

Thanks. Sorry about all the weird questions.

I know I don't need to hold my breath the whole time I'm here

so I don't die. (chuckles nervously)

You probably get that a lot, right?

No? Well, uh, thanks for the map.

Okay, here I am.

Walking in the cemetery.

All right, map, where's my family?

Oh, my God, this thing is terrible.

Are you my dad's mom? No.

Gene, you don't have to say that every time.

What if I whisper it?

(quietly): Are you my dad's mom? No.

Hey, so you know, I'm locking the gate in about a half-hour.

Which is exactly how much time I have left in this podcast.

Oh, God. Okay, well, thanks for letting us know.

H-Hey, could you help us out real quick?

Yep. You, too.

BOB: Oh, you're driving away.

Good luck with the podcast, I hear they're great!

Hey, Dad? Didn't you say Grandma died 33 years ago?

- Yeah. - All the graves that I'm seeing

are for people who died within, like, the last ten years.

- Same. - Yeah, same.

(sighs) You know what?

Let's just go to the car

and-and come back another time.

Th-This isn't gonna work.

We're not gonna find the grave in the next 30 minutes.

Are you sure, Dad?

Yeah. Let's go.

And maybe you guys can get a little snoobing in

and the day won't be a total waste.

Okay. Um, sorry we didn't find Grandma.

Bye, Grandma!

And I'm sorry I ate your granola bar. You didn't miss much.

When we come back, I'll bring the kind with chocolate chips.

Okay. Crooked cabinet door is no longer crooked.

Mmm. Eating and working.

Mm-mm-mmm. All right, what's next on the list?

Oh. A text from Linda.

"Don't eat the meatloaf, we're saving it for dinner."

What? No!

Ah! I ate their dinner?

Ah, God, what am I gonna do?

Ah! Ah! Think, Teddy, think.

Uh, I could, uh, uh...

Uh, I could... make another meatloaf. Yes. Good plan.

Okay. Looking up meatloaf recipes.

And I guess I might as well finish this

while I'm doing it.

Oh, that's so good.

Uh, where's your mom?

Is she hiding behind the seats? That's fun.

Maybe she found a better car?

- She's always wanted a PT Cruiser. - (phone chiming)

Hold on, I'm getting a bunch of texts.

A lot of messages from Teddy.

- Something about a meatloaf. - GENE: Mmm.

Oh, here's one from your mom.

Oh, no.

She went into the cemetery.

She's in there right now looking for us.

- What? - No!

I'm trying to call her, but it's going straight to voice mail.

She's probably out of range. Listen, kids...

Don't say it, Dad.

We got to go back in the cemetery.

- He said it. - Dang it.

We have to find your mom.

First of all, we love her

and we shouldn't abandon her.

And second, she's in the scariest place

imaginable to her, all by herself.

Maybe it's not as bad as she thought it was gonna be?

(breathing heavily)

(branch snaps)

- Oh, my God! - (crow cawing)

Ah! Cemetery bird!

Look, I know I couldn't find my own mother's grave.

But your mom will be easier to find.

I hope. I mean, she's louder.

And then we'll leave

and maybe we'll still be able to snoob. Possibly.

For 20 minutes or so, before the snoobing place closes.

But if we can't, at least

this is your mom's fault and not mine.

Ah! Parents!

Crap, where is your mom? (exhales)

Uh, you guys have been quiet for a while.

Is-is it 'cause, instead of snoobing,

we've been doing this so much?

Hey. Snoobing is just a joyful thing that kids do,

but getting lost in a cemetery in the cold is great, too.

LOUISE: (groans) We were gonna be zooming down a hill

on an inner tube, using gravity

- for our own sick pleasures. - BOB: I know.

LOUISE: And how are we supposed to find Mom

in a giant cemetery with the sun going down?

GENE: Should we shake some keys or bang on her food bowl?

Oh, why is it getting so dark out already?

Stupid winter. And where the hell is this grave?

Okay, maybe I'll try reading this terrible map one more time.

Heritage Road and Cedar Lane.

Huh. That gobbledygoop kind of looks "Heritage."

Oh, I'm close to Bob's mom.

Guys! I'm close!

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

Okay, I put all the ingredients in the bowl. What's next?

"Knead everything together using your hands." All right.

Ahh! This is how you make meatloaf?

Ugh, oh, gross.

But I got to do it. Teddy, be strong.

Ahh! Ugh! So slimy.

Ohh! Ugh, Bob and Linda are disgusting. Ugh, ugh.

Well, the sun went down. Damn sun.

Sorry, sun, it's not your fault.

Guys, I-I know I keep saying this,

but I really am sorry that this day is a total failure.

Hold on. Maybe not a total failure.

What if we snoob right here?

I'm listening.

Look at how steep this hill is.

We can slide down on our bellies.

- Belly-tube. - Boob.

- Yes. - I like it, I like it.

Kids, you can't, we need to find your mom

before they lock up the cemetery.

Come on, Dad. Just a little boobing?

- TINA and GENE: Please? - Please? Please, please, please?

(sighs) Okay, fine.

Just a little bit. And then w-we go save your mom.

- Yes! - Yeah.

Ready? One, two, three, go!

♪ ♪

- Yeah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

My wedgie's never been bigger and I've never felt more alive.

Pretty sure this is the spot. (grunting)

(Linda gasps)

Oh, my God. Bob's mom. I found you.

Where the heck are Bob and the kids?

Did the cemetery eat them? I hope not.

No, right?

Uh, so, I'm Linda, your daughter-in-law.

Sorry this is the first time we're meeting.

I wish we met when you were alive,

but I didn't know Bob back then.

Ah, I don't know why I get so afraid of cemeteries.

I mean, you're here all the time and you're not complaining.

I guess maybe part of that is cemeteries

kind of make me think about,

you know, losing someone close to me, like how Bob lost you.

But hey, I got to tell you, you made a good guy.

Bob's sweet, he's a great dad.

He always remembers to put the toilet seat down

in the middle of the night.

Except that one time, when I fell in. That was bad.

- (whoops) - I like boobing,

but it's a little hard on my actual boobs.

Mine are comfortably numb.

I think that's what that song is about.

You could just go down on your side. A little side boob.

Guys, I'm glad you're all having fun,

but I-I think we need to get back

to finding your possibly terrified mom.

TINA: Wow, yeah, it got dark.

LOUISE: There's no way Mom's still here.

She probably left us and found a family

that doesn't wander around in cemeteries.

Yeah, she's probably back at the car. So, let's go.

LINDA: Can you believe it?

- Ah! - Is that... Mom?

It's either Mom or a talking bird that's loving life.

- Lin? - LINDA: Bob?

Lin? Where are you?

LINDA: I'm at your mom's grave.

Where are you?

Just stay there. We'll come to you.

Keep saying stuff, we'll follow your voice.

LINDA: Okay. Na-na-na-na-na-na.

She's coming from over there.

- LINDA: Na-na-na-na. - Lin.

Na-na-na-na-na-na.

TINA: Okay, yeah, we all see each other.

- Na-na-na-na-na. - TINA: So, you don't have to do that anymore.

Not that we don't all love it.

Where have you guys been?

Oh, wait, that-that must be the groundskeeper.

I-I guess we should flag him down?

Dad, no. He's gonna make us leave.

We finally made it to Grandma's grave.

You need to have your visit.

And maybe we want to have a visit with Grandma, too.

Okay. All right.

What are you doing? Come over here.

- The truck is getting closer. - Quick, hide.

(quietly): Okay. Lin, hide.

Huh? Why are we hiding?

Because the ghosts are coming? Oh, God. Oh, God.

No, we got to hide from the groundskeeper.

It-it's a long story, I'll tell you later.

Just hide, quick, please.

- Oh, okay. - LOUISE: I love how Mom will hide

from any authority figure under any circumstance.

Oh, yeah. She'd take him out if we told her to.

- What? We're taking him out? - No. No, no, no.

Okay, no one move.

I'm just gonna pick a wedgie real quick.

- Tina, no. - I'm doing it.

Ah, I did it. Oh, it's already back.

So we're hiding from groundskeepers? I like it.

I'm glad it's not ghosts. No offense, ghosts.

So, where the heck have you guys been?

We got really lost. And then we got lost again.

You should've gotten a map from that little lodge.

It's an office, it's not a lodge. And we did.

- Oh. - Can you be map-blind?

Because if so, Dad's that.

Shh. Here he comes.

Go around the bush.

(grunting, straining)

Oh, thank God.

Wow. Lin, I can't believe you're in a cemetery.

In the dark. And you were by yourself.

Well, not really. I was with your mom.

We had a nice talk.

I mean, I did the talking.

And it helped me relax, a little.

Also, I was picturing myself

- in Jamaica the whole time. - Hmm.

So, here we are. Bob's mom, these are your grandchildren.

The ones I was telling you about.

- Hi. - Hey, you.

Uh, hi, Grandma. We made you cards.

We're not allowed to leave them here,

but we can show them to you.

Here's mine. Pretty good, huh?

Be easy on Louise and Gene. They tried.

Bob, move closer.

And maybe change your face

so it's not so "I'm Bob, I'm a terrible person"?

Yep, yep, no, I-I know. I-I-I just, yeah.

Listen. I think I know your mom well enough to know

that she would be okay with you not coming till now.

Because she'd want you to be busy living your life,

with your three beautiful children,

and your fun, hot wife Linda.

And she'd be so proud of you. I mean, look what you've done.

With the restaurant, with this family.

- Tina, take your hand out of your butt. - Sorry.

Thanks, Lin.

Okay, kids, step back.

You're hogging Grandma.

BOB: Hi, Mom.

TINA: That was a nice visit.

Until Gene farted.

It wasn't me, it was a cemetery ghost.

It was me.

BOB: Yeah, we're locked in.

He did say he was gonna do that and then I guess he did it.

Good for him for following through.

So, uh, what do we do?

(sighs) I don't know. Maybe we...

Oh, your mom's already climbing the fence.

Let's get the hell out of here. Come on, come on.

TINA: Ah, coming.

Ah, first boobing and now

climbing a cemetery fence?

Is this the best night ever?

- (cloth ripping) - Ah, my snow pants.

Well, no more wedgie, I guess.

Wait, I'm not sure if I can climb this without a boost.

- TINA: Ghost boost? - GENE: Who you gonna call?

LOUISE: Ghost boosters!

LINDA: Oh, God, I'm getting in the car!

Eh, looks pretty good.

Not exactly like the one I ate, but not bad.

Anyway, they're gonna be really surprised

- that's it's hot out of the oven. - Teddy?

Ahh! Oh, jeez.

Oh, my God. Uh, uh...

Go back outside for an hour and a half and-and then come back.

Okay.

♪ Who's got eyes that sparkle ♪

♪ like a lily sprinkled with dew? ♪

♪ Lily Belle ♪

♪ And who's got lips as fresh as autumn rain ♪

♪ When summer is through? ♪

♪ Lily Belle ♪

♪ And, oh, incidentally ♪

♪ There's one more thing to tell ♪

♪ If your eyes are open and you think you're seeing a dream ♪

♪ It's Lily Belle. ♪

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