Original subtitles

LOUISE: Normally, I'm a fan

of field trips, but on Halloween?

Halloween's the one day school is actually pretty okay.

Yeah, I mean, I love skipping gym for the costume parade.

But, guys, we're going to

the Celtic Farms Historical Apple Orchard.

I went there once when I was little.

People dress up in old-timey clothes

and teach you about ancient farming techniques.

- It's badass. - Oh, Rudy.

As long as we get back in time for the costume parade.

Gene and Tina and I are doing a group thing

and, not to brag, but I'm the best part.

And what part would that be, exactly?

I'm Helen Hunt, emphasis on the "hunt."

When you see us together, you'll get it,

- but it also works on its own. - Yeah, it does.

- I mean, after you explain it. - Eh...

What are you again, Jessica?

I'm Billie Idol-ish.

It's a combination of Billy Idol and Billie Eilish.

I get the "-ish" part, but not the "Idol."

He's an '80s guy.

My dad loves this costume, so that makes one person.

Well, the good thing about today is my dad's a chaperone,

and he said we could do whatever we want.

- Break all the rules, whatever. - BOB: Uh, I-I didn't

say that, Louise.

Have you ever seen that movie The Purge?

He showed me that and said, "That's you and your friends

at the apple orchard. Go nuts."

- I didn't show her that movie. - Whatever you say.

Hey, uh, I looked up this apple orchard online,

and I saw they have a beekeeper and bees.

Is that part of the trip today?

Because I've always been kind of curious

- about beekeeping, so... - Let's keep today

- about the kids, 'kay, Dad? - Oh. Okay.

- Rudy, sit down. - Uh-huh.

There, I said it. I've done my job.

-(sighs) - What is it?

I just wish Chloe was on this trip.

A lot of us are missing her today.

- Here we go. - What?

Chloe Barbash is out sick for one day,

and you and all the other little Chloe followers...

- Chloe clingers. - Chloe clingers are acting

- like it's the end of the world. - Not the end of the world.

Just a sad day with no sun and all the birds are dead.

Pssh. Remind me, what is so great about Chloe?

Wow, where to start? She's charming.

- Gross. Hm... - She's wise.

- She's sort of a thought leader. - Oh, my God.

And she does a great duck voice.

Are we enjoying our lunches?

(imitating duck voice)

-(laughs) - I get it, too. Goodbye.

- Okay, I do kind of like the duck voice. - Ugh.

You know, Chloe's not some amazing, miraculous being.

She's just popular, and popularity's dumb.

Even fidget spinners were popular once.

Aw, now I miss my fidget spinner.

(Gene groaning)

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Oh, God. - Ooh, someone's participating

in the costume parade. (stammers)

- What are you? - That's what I was wondering.

I was gonna guess, like, Hoopula,

the scary hula hoop vampire

and Hoopula's mysterious friend.

Or are you maybe just going as a bunch of stuff

from your house?

Actually, I'm the twister, from Twister.

And I'm Bill Paxton caught up in the twister from Twister.

When Louise gets back from her field trip,

- she'll be Helen Hunt. - From Twister.

Huh, yeah. You're not trying too hard at all.

Looks like your tornado's dripping there.

- Oh. Little help? - On it. Oops.

I lost an Oklahoma farm house.

- Kind of high maintenance. - Yeah.

We gave our mom the concept, and that lady ran with it.

Another streamer here...

Don't move yet. Tina needs more streamers.

Gene, quit touching the cow. The cow is not for touching.

Bobby, wipe my brow.

Well, I'm sure you can hold those delicate creations

together till the costume parade.

It's only most of the day away.

Yeah, and these costumes are,

you know, not that hard to walk in.

Uh-huh. If I leave for first period now,

I could maybe get there by lunch. (grunts)

LOUISE: Huh. This is an apple orchard?

Not a spooky crow playground?

(crows cawing)

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's crow for,

"Turn back, turn back."

I think this'll be fun. Or do I?

Without Chloe here, how am I supposed to know

- what's lame and what's cool? - Yeah.

Maybe we should write stuff down and show it to Chloe later?

- Ugh. - What have we here?

Fellow peasants come to join us in the orchard?

Hello, peasants.

- I am jolly Eleanor. - And I am lowly Brom.

I see many strong laborers among this group.

- Yeah, you do. - Today, we want to show you

how land was farmed in the British Isles

in the year 100 B. C.,

or as Brom and I call it, the right now times.

And in 100 B. C.,

aka the right now times,

we still believe the world is a mystical, mysterious place.

Fun fact: some farmers from our time practiced paganism

and beseeched the pagan gods to watch over the crops.

At the end of the day, you will join us at our harvest festival,

where we ask the sun god to smile upon us.

And by sun god, I mean the vengeful

harvest deity of pagan times, Lugh.

- Did that guy just spit on us? - A little bit.

Of course, not just anyone can ask the sun god Lugh

to smile upon us.

No. For that, we need a hero of the harvest.

Someone special and worthy of such an honor.

Someone held in esteem by their peers.

Someone with that "it" factor.

So, at day's end,

if the sacred corncob points your way,

that means you may have the honor

of helping bless our crops.

Okay.

I forgot how weird this field trip is.

Hi. I-I'm Bob. I'm, uh, a parent...

uh, chaperone. I heard there are bees at this orchard.

I've-I've always been kind of interested in beekeeping.

I'm a chef in a restaurant.

I know your time doesn't have restaurants, yet.

- Did you have a question? - Um, I forgot it.

J-Just looking forward to those bees.

Keep it in your bee suit, big guy.

- Now let our labors begin. - Hell yeah.

(phone rings)

Bob's Burgers.

- Hey, Mom. - Mom. - Hey, kids.

Wait, why are you calling me? Do you both have diarrhea again?

- So in sync. - No, Mom, it's the costumes.

They're not in great shape. Things are falling off,

- a lot. - What do we do?

It's embarrassing to admit, but I never learned to glue.

- Uh... I'll come and fix them. - What?

Yeah, yeah, I-I'll close the restaurant

for, uh, just a few minutes,

and I'll come and fix your costumes.

- Mom, you can't do that. - What if we get a customer?

Hey, this is the costume parade we're talking about.

I'll grab my supplies. See you soon.

You're the bravest person I know. I love you. Bye.

Okay, and over here is our orchard.

You can tell by all the apple trees.

Hey, look at that.

JESSICA: The creepy barn with the inviting

-"off limits" sign? - Yeah.

And as TV has taught me,

where there's a barn, there's a hayloft.

Which I believe is a fun thing to jump off of,

especially when you're on a field trip on a farm.

- I'm on a field trip on a farm. - I say we try to sneak away later

and see if we can't have a little jump.

LABONZ: Louise, Jessica, move it.

Ugh. Coming. We'll be back for you, hay.

If you're there, stay fluffy.

BROM: The apple. From gnarled

and twisting branches comes this sweet and redolent gift.

- Let's consider her, shall we? - We shall.

Oh, man. Gonna be hard to hang in there until hayloft time.

- If there's a hayloft. - Yeah. Apples?

More like nap-ples.

'Cause this place makes me want to take a nap.

No, I got it.

BROM: ..."apalaz," which, incidentally...

- Huh? - What?

Oh, nothing. I thought I saw something, but I didn't.

- That's a great story. - LABONZ: Girls.

- Shh! -(crow cawing)

Oh, crows, please. You're creeping me out.

Okay, who wants to hear about cutting edge,

- up-to-the-minute fertilizing techniques? - Yes, please.

We peasants fertilize these apple trees using

something we possess in great amounts.

- Apples? - Oranges? - BROM: Uh, no.

- Jell-O? Eyebrows? - BROM: No. - Rigatoni?

Nope, it's manure. We-we use manure.

- From our livestock. - Our sheep and goats eat the weeds

and then when they defecate,

they walk on it and enrich the soil.

That's probably why it smells so...

(imitating sheep): baad.

Whoa, Jessica, you do a great sheep voice.

That was uncanny.

- Do it again. - No, no.

(imitating sheep): I'm baa-shful.

-(laughter) - Whoa-ho.

All eyes are upon you, girl dressed as Billy Idol, sort of.

Looks like we have a contender for the hero of the harvest.

What? Really? Wow.

But, hey, enough about me,

-(imitating sheep): baack to the manure talk. -(laughter)

Huh, someone's having her moment.

Way to fill that Chloe Barbash popularity void.

I mean, if the (imitating sheep): baa fits.

- Wait, that doesn't work. -(laughter)

Ha. They loved it anyway.

- Now, we'll pick our apples. - And wash them.

Yes, even though the washing part is not period-accurate.

Brom, you have to let that go.

Is it supposed to be kind of hard to find the apples?

The crop was meager this year.

The sun god Lugh did not smile upon us.

Also, it's a little late in the season,

so, you know, be cool about it.

Psst. Hey. Loft? Hayloft?

Oh, uh, I don't know. Maybe we should stay here

and pick a few more (imitating sheep): aa-ples.

-(laughter) -(laughs) So good.

Jessica, come on, let's go.

Uh, maybe we put a pin in the hayloft?

I mean, this is pretty great, right? The fresh air?

The constant ego-stroking from kids who usually ignore me?

Okay, fine. I'll just jump by myself.

- And maybe I'll bring you back some hay. Aah! - Going somewhere?

Pssh. (chuckles) No.

Come now, back to the group.

- RUDY: I found an apple. - HARLEY: Where?

OLLIE: Aw, he found an apple?

And some glue here...

And a tree there...

Work your magic, you pipe cleaner totin' mama.

You're very talented, Mom.

This one isn't your most practical design.

These are, uh, a little busy,

but I think we've got a shot at at least third place.

Third's for turds, we're getting gold.

And we're done.

- Eh... - What?

Why aren't the cow and the trees and stuff on the twister?

- It seems confusing. - Because they're on Bill Paxton.

- It was a creative choice. - Yeah, she's brilliant.

- You don't get it, Schnur. - Eh, whatever.

- Yeah, that's right. - Okay, they're feeling sturdy... ish.

Oh, but don't bend over or move your arms or legs

- or sit down. - But sitting down is my signature move.

Has everyone given your apples to our cider millers?

It's cider time. Huzzah!

Excuse me, is-is that a beehive?

It's an apple crate.

Sir, you have to stop asking if things are beehives.

Eventually, I'll be right.

Well, I think the quarter was in your armpit all along.

- Magic. - Wait, how did he do that?

-(kids gasp) - How'd he do that?

Ugh. It wasn't that cool.

What's wrong, Jessica? Worried Rudy's gonna walk away

with hero of the harvest?

The dumb thing that somehow

matters to you more than amazing haylofts?

(scoffs) No. Sheep voice can hold its own, okay?

Oh... Oh...

(kids gasp)

You're so good at magic.

Uh, more like (imitating sheep): maagic.

Huh? Nothing? Okay.

- Rudy, do another trick. - Yeah.

Oh, uh, great, but, uh, pretend I'm holding a top hat.

ELEANOR: Someone's getting attention.

Could you be our hero of the harvest?

Wow. For real?

- Okay, I guess my time is done. - Sorry, Jessica.

And don't worry, I won't bring up the fact that,

this whole time, we could've been sneaking away

- and jumping in hay. - No regrets. It was a rush.

Uh... yeah, okay.

You don't know what it's like to have everyone hanging

on your every baa. I didn't know what it was like.

Apparently, only Chloe knew what it was like.

- But it was glorious. - Please.

I could have people hanging on all my stuff if I wanted to.

Louise, this is fourth grade.

You can't just make that kind of popularity happen.

You got to earn it with, like,

an amazing spontaneous sheep impression.

So, good luck with that.

Okay. Uh... watch this.

I've got a little something in my back pocket.

BROM: Look how mushed the apples are getting.

(clears throat) (vibrating vocalizing)

- Sorry? - I said...

(vibrating vocalization)

How do you do that?

You make a fist, you keep your mouth mostly closed,

but you say "girl" into your hand.

- KIDS: Girl, girl, girl. - I can't do it.

Some people have trouble with it.

- Do it again. - Ooh...

Are you our hero of the harvest?

Whoa, oh!

Me? "Harv" you serious?

Truly, though, it-it's nice just to be considered.

Yes, the hour of the harvest festival has arrived.

The sack lunches await.

The PB and Js grow soggy.

So, we've kind of got to pick our hero now.

- And you have been chosen. - What?

Wait, so I'm the hero of the harvest?

- I know, right? - Congratulations, Louise.

Yay, Louise!

I mean, I was just bending space and time with my magic,

- but whatever. - Do it again.

Do it again. Do it again.

Okay, okay, okay. (vibrating vocalizing)

Crap, that's good.

- I can't get enough of that sound. - No, you can't.

(vibrating vocalizing)

- Wow. - It's so weird, but I love it.

Be right back, getting napkins.

My corncob got jelly on it.

Hero of the harvest problems, right?

Hey, Louise. So, hero of the harvest, huh?

- Are you having fun? - I kind of am.

Finally getting some positive reactions

to your "doy doy" thing?

Yeah, these people let me do it.

We did let you do it, for a year.

But it's all you did, so we had to make some rules.

People were suffering. Hey, guess what?

Me and Ms. Labonz are friends now.

- Ms. Labonz and I. - Sorry.

Now I know where she gets it.

Okay, everyone, our ritual will begin soon

and our hero will be crowned.

Yes, yes, yes. Where do you need me? Over there?

- Light's good over there. - But first, we're all going to learn

a traditional harvest dance.

There's dancing at apple orchards? Okay.

(clears throat) Louise? Hayloft? Want to jumpy jump?

Oh, now that I'm hero of the harvest,

- you've got hay fever? - Yeah. Basically.

Okay, fine. I guess we should do it now

if we're gonna do it because after the ceremony

there's probably gonna be handshakes, speeches,

- that whole deal. - Okay, calm down.

- Hey, Teddy. - Linda.

What happened? You're supposed to be open by now.

Sorry. I had to go to the kids' school to fix their costumes.

And they fell apart before I walked out the door,

so I had to fix them again.

It's okay, it's fine.

I didn't mind waiting out here in the cold wind.

-(phone rings) - Uh-uh, Bob's Burgers.

Hi, kids. Oh, no, again?

- No. No. - Did you sit down?

- I told you not to sit down. - Hang up. Hang up.

Okay, I'm coming back. Uh, Teddy'll understand.

No, no, no!

Yeah, that's Teddy shouting. Tina says hi.

Hi, Tina. Linda, don't leave.

All right, I'll see you soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye.

Sorry, Teddy, it's the costume parade.

- But you belong here. - You're just hungry.

- Go in the back, get a bun. - Oh, a bun.

Okay, see you soon.

LOUISE: Look at that hayloft.

Could I do this for a living? Find haylofts? I probably could.

Are we not gonna talk about these?

The creepy hay dolls?

I'd talk about them, but I'm kind of afraid they'd hear us.

- Anyway, want to jump? - Yeah.

And we'll, uh, learn the harvest dance later in life, right?

Absolutely. At prom, I bet.

♪ Oh, the raven pecks the eye of the ♪

♪ Piggy in the sty, and high up in the trees ♪

♪ Blows a foul-smelling breeze ♪

♪ The leaves are falling down ♪

♪ They lie dying on the ground ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ The raven pecks the eye of the piggy in the sty ♪

♪ And high up in the trees ♪

♪ Blows a foul-smelling breeze ♪

♪ The leaves are falling down ♪

♪ They lie dying on the ground ♪

(vocalizing)

(whoops) I do enjoy a good jump.

One more? The dolls are nodding.

Hm, I don't want to keep my fanbase waiting.

You know how they love a hero.

But maybe we can squeeze in one more loft leap.

Attagirl.

Hm, should we toss some more hay down there?

It's looking less fluffy, more leg-breaky.

Yeah, I hate when my legs get broken.

Oh. That's a... Huh.

What are we looking at here?

JESSICA: Someone standing on a platform with a crown on their head?

LOUISE: The hero of the harvest, judging by the cool corn cob necklace.

And then they're... set on fire?

Uh-huh, and then

a bunch of crows come and eat them

while they're still on fire.

LOUISE: What's that supposed to be?

JESSICA: I don't know, maybe the ashes

of the sacrificed person?

Put under the tree as an offering to this terrifying

- face in the sky? - Lugh.

This is not what a hero of the harvest

wants to stumble upon in a hayloft.

No, not at all. But, I mean, they're not gonna sacrifice

anyone on a school field trip, right?

We-we have really good chaperones

- who are protecting us. - Right.

I don't have to be worried.

We'll probably just do a little dancing,

do a little crowning, I might have some cider

just to calm my nerves, and it'll all be fine.

- GROUP: Hero of the harvest. -(gasps)

- Glory to Lugh. - ELEANOR: There she is. Our hero

- of the harvest has arrived. - BROM: Time for the ceremony.

- JESSICA: Um... - BROM and ELEANOR: Hero of the harvest. Glory to Lugh.

- GROUP: Hero of the harvest. - Louise, uh,

- Glory to Lugh. - I don't normally say this,

- but, uh, run, you should run! - Aah!

Oh, are you a-a beehive?

-(screaming) - Louise?

Louise? Louise, where are you?

I can't run anymore, so I-I hope you're very close.

- Psst. Over here. - Oh, thank God.

- Why did you run away screaming? - Shh.

- They're gonna hear you. - Who?

The creepy peasants who want to light me on fire

and offer up my hero of the harvest ashes

to the sun god Lugh. Aah!

Oh, get this off me. Get this off me.

Oh, wow. Uh, okay.

That's not gonna happen, Louise.

Oh, really? Then why was there a painting in the barn

that had exactly that on it?

Oh, you went to the barn?

That's not gonna look great for me as a chaperone.

- Dad! - Sorry, but, I mean,

probably there's another explanation for a barn painting?

Okay, did you not see those terrifying costumes?

What, the horse skull things?

Yeah, they were a bit much, but so are the costumes

your mother made for Tina and Gene, arguably.

Leave Team Twister out of this.

Louise, really, though,

why would they want to do that to you?

Because I'd make the best sacrifice.

- I'm popular now. - Oh. You-you think you're popular?

I mean, yeah. Hero of the harvest.

Wait, what do you mean, "You think you're popular"?

No, nothing. I-I mean, I...

That-that makes total sense.

I just never imagined that kids would enjoy

that noise you make.

I always thought of it, well, you know, differently.

And I always thought you were jealous.

Uh, look, we should get back.

Oh, no, I'm not going back there.

Louise, I promise they won't sacrifice you.

(sighs) Okay, fine, but if I'm right

and I get sacrificed, I'm gonna say I told you so.

Sounds good. Uh... I think we came from this way.

Hard to find your bearings in a field full of the same tree.

- Oh, my God. - What?

LOUISE: Look-- ashes.

- Oh. - See?

That's probably just from a fun orchard bonfire.

- Mm-hmm. - But just to be safe,

when we get back, stay near Ms. Labonz.

- She'll protect us. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Welcome, everyone, to the Wagstaff Halloween

Costume parade.

Some parents complained that the traditional Wagstaff

costume contest was just a little too contest-y.

So, here we are-- parade.

But there will also be prizes.

Because otherwise, why are we even doing this?

(whoops)

Now, strap in,

there's a lot of costumes to get through.

I'll be in my office for most of them.

Coach Blevins, text me if there's a good one.

Not that they aren't all good, even that one.

Where's Louise? We're Team Twister, damn it.

- We need our Helen Hunt. - Maybe the real Helen Hunt

is available and looking for something to do today?

I think we're really lost now.

So, just an update on that.

- You know, it was kind of nice. - What was nice?

- The feeling of being popular. - But,

I don't know, is popularity that great?

I mean, you also ended up running away

from imaginary cult people into the orchard,

where the temperature seems to be dropping, rapidly.

It's true. Everyone wants a piece of you.

Sometimes as a sacrifice to the gods.

Hey, how far are we from the group?

- Miles? - Maybe.

- Oh, my God. - What?

- It's here! - What? Oh, the beehive?

It's just like I imagined.

Actually, I didn't really imagine it like that.

Or I guessed there would be someone in a cool bee suit

and they would open it up and my life would never be the same.

Yeah, and the queen bee would probably see me and be like,

-"Hey, you get it." - Maybe I just

take a quick peek.

BROM: Found you!

- Aah! - Oh, my God!

- Bees, attack! - That's not how bees work.

- I-I don't think. - BROM: No, it is not.

Everything's okay. We heard you found the paintings. So sorry.

- That must've been bad. - Yeah, sorry about that.

The painting is for our haunted orchard attraction.

Yeah, it was for the haunted orchard.

Not an instruction manual for a pagan cult,

like we thought it might be. Whoops.

- Haunted orchard? - Yeah, for Halloween.

We do a haunted hayride for teens and adults

that ends with a spooky pagan barn ritual.

You might've seen the really cute hay dolls I made.

Which are not historically correct, but are good.

Probably why the sign on the barn says "off limits."

- Bob, I blame you, somehow. - I know.

But the ashes under the tree.

We saw some ashes under an apple tree.

I-I told her it was just a fun orchard bonfire, probably.

No, it's sacrificed school children ashes.

- What?! - Kidding, kidding.

- Ha. Funny. Pagans. - It's wood ash.

Good fertilizer for the fruit trees.

I mean, not good enough, because our crop sucked this year,

but, please, come finish the ceremony.

We'll take off the costumes.

It was Brom's idea to borrow these from the haunted hayride

and use them in a fourth grade field trip.

In my defense, I forgot kids were scared of things.

Come on, we got to move if we're gonna make it back in time

- for the costume parade crap. - Okay.

I guess I could go for a crown and some worship from my peers.

Or we could do some bee stuff?

- We don't have time. - Darn it.

- Too bad. The bees are really great. -(groans)

These panda pants have been itching me,

but it was worth it. Ah, itchy, itchy, itchy.

- Scratchy, scratchy... - Okay,

looks like we have just a few costumes to go.

More than Coach Blevins' text implied, but that's fine.

Still no Louise. What the hell?

Yeah, where is this apple orchard? Appalachia?

FROND: Next, we have Gene, Tina,

and Louise Belcher dressed as...

well, something complicated. Wait, I don't see Louise.

Group costume, missing part of your group.

- Oh, God. Here we go. - Okay.

Then, I guess, let's get twisted, sister.

Damn it.

LOUISE: Wait!

I'm here. I made it.

- Yes! - Louise!

It's time to Helen Hunt some tornadoes.

Oh, right, Twister.

They're supposed to be Twister.

Hi, kids. How'd we do?

Well, we left it all on the field. I mean,

not all of it, but a lot of parts fell off on the field.

But we did not win a prize of any kind.

Oh, no. You look so good. We worked so hard.

It was very dramatic, though, Linda.

We almost didn't make it. We were running late

because this whole thing where Louise thought

she was gonna get sacrificed on the field trip.

I'll tell you later. She's fine.

Anyway, we pretty much jumped off a moving school bus

in the parking lot and then we made it.

But the judges were dumb. I think our kids got robbed.

I even threw in a bit of this.

(vibrating vocalizing)

But nothing.

Yeah, I think people were confused, Louise.

They didn't remember that part in Twister.

And I thought we had a rule about that sound?

No more doy-doy?

- Eh. - All right. Well, you probably

want to do different costumes for trick-or-treating.

I get it. You want to be pirates or a ghost or something stupid?

- What? No. - If a Halloween costume

doesn't hurt a little bit, you're not doing it right.

Plus, do you know how many 40-something-year-olds

are gonna get this reference and go crazy for it?

We're gonna be rolling in candy.

Aw. Well then, what do you say--

- should we go bigger? - No!

- No, no, no. - No, no, no, we're good. We're good.

You sure? What about, like,

a battery-powered fan that's strapped to Tina

- blows all the streamers? - TINA: Oh, maybe.

♪ Oh, the raven pecks the eye of the piggy in the sty ♪

♪ And high up in the trees blows a foul-smelling breeze ♪

♪ The leaves are falling down, they lie dying on the ground ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ The raven pecks the eye of the piggy in the sty ♪

♪ And high up in the trees blows a foul-smelling breeze ♪

♪ The leaves are falling down, they lie dying on the ground ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ The raven pecks the eye of the piggy in the sty ♪

♪ And high up in the trees blows a foul-smelling breeze ♪

♪ The leaves are falling down ♪

♪ They lie dying on the ground. ♪

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