Original subtitles

♪ ♪

-(groaning) - TINA: What's Dad doing?

He's... staring at the counters again.

I think the counters are getting uncomfortable.

We're making the right call, right?

To spend money we don't have

to get the counters redone?

Yes, we're making the right call.

We're betting on us and we're gonna come up snake eyes.

Snake eyes is good, right?

How could snake eyes not be good?

They're the coolest eyes.

Anyway, we're making the right decision,

and Teddy's gonna put in the new counters,

- and he'll do a great job. -(entry bells jingle)

- Speak of the devil. - Teddy's the devil?

- LOUISE and TINA: Hi, Teddy. - Hey, guys.

- Big night tonight, huh? - Is it?

The comet. Kirby's Comet.

The one that comes around every 30 years.

We'll be able to see it starting tonight.

You've mentioned Kirby's Comet.

Every day. A few times a day.

Am I the only one with comet fever?

There's gonna be a watch party and everything.

I asked Kathleen if she wanted to go,

but she can't make it. She's visiting her aunt.

She has an aunt? She's the total package.

I know. But, yeah,

the watch party's down at Scraggy Neck State Park.

There's no lights for miles,

so it should be a perfect view of the comet.

- Scraggy Neck. - And you get to write down

a special wish on wish paper. Eh?

- Wish paper? - Yeah, you know that thin, little paper

you light on fire and it goes poof into the air?

The Rotary Club's gonna hand them out, I think.

Why am I just hearing about paper

you get to light on fire and it goes poof?

But they say for your comet wish to come true,

first you're supposed to make sure your heart is pure.

- What do you mean? - Like apologize for past stuff,

make things right. Anyway, that's what the wish people say.

- Wish people? - Yeah, there's wish people, and there's sign people.

I'm more of a sign guy. I look for signs.

- Like traffic signs? - Like clever billboards?

More like cosmic, comet signs.

Like, 30 years ago, I was watching the comet,

and I was really excited.

It felt important. It felt big,

like it was gonna show me something about my life

or the world or something.

And then I stepped on a nail,

a big rusty nail.

- TINA: Oh. - And then from there,

I lost my hair and I gained weight,

I got divorced, I gained more weight,

and I stepped on a lot more nails over the years,

- and other pointy things. - Aw.

Yeah, it's been pretty downhill since Comet Night.

You know, your classic comet curse.

I mean, most of that is just aging

and marrying the wrong person

and not watching where you're walking.

Who steps on a nail 75 times, Bob?

And I've had a dead bird fall and hit me on the head, twice,

this year. I am cursed.

But, hey, here's hoping this comet turns it all around

and the next 30 years will be smooth sailing.

Let's talk about this wish.

There's wishing on a star, yeah,

and then there's wishing on a freaking comet?

We could get whatever we want.

Personally, I love getting whatever I want.

- Same. - We're going to this watch party

tonight, right, Mother? Right, Father? I think it's free.

I mean, it's the kind of thing we always said

we'd do with the kids.

I'm in. Let's go watch a thing.

- KIDS: Yay! - BOB: So, we're

- great parents? - LOUISE: Eh...

LINDA: Look at everyone with their blankets and picnic things.

Were we supposed to bring stuff?

Should I run back to the car and get the floor mats to sit on?

I think we'll be fine. It's just gonna be tough to see the comet

- with all these clouds. - It's supposed to clear up, Bob.

- Got to have faith. - GENE: Okay, George Michael.

Well, I hoped to have had highly flammable wish paper

in my hand by now.

Yeah, we've been here minutes already,

and our hands are empty as hell.

Well, we're off to find wish paper. Wish us luck.

All right, but stay where I can see you, okay?

Would it be helpful if, every once in a while,

I whistled really loudly?

I don't think so.

(blows air) Nope.

(blowing air harder) Almost had it.

So... we'll see you around.

Is anyone else a little nervous about this pure-hearted thing?

Um... I'm nine. My heart is still factory fresh.

I showered earlier this week, so...

Well, I'm not sure if my heart is, like, pure-pure.

I've got some stuff to get off my chest first.

- Your boobs? - Or whatever that thing is?

It's, like, dry and wet.

Huh. Don't know what that is. But also other stuff.

Apology stuff. I see some people here

that I may need to apologize to.

And-- ugh, Tammy--

some that I really don't want to.

Bob. Linda. Hey.

- It's pretty great, huh? - So far it's fair.

Boy, I'm really hoping for a good 30 years.

I could use it.

Hey, did I tell you that Kathleen wants us

to go hike Gullivan's Gorge together?

Is that a euphemism?

What? No. The place to hike.

Gullivan's Gorge. It's, like, two hours away.

The drive there, the drive back,

plus all the time gorging--

that's a big step in a relationship.

- Yeah, it is. - I mean, I like her a lot,

and I think she likes me, but I'm nervous to go.

Also, it's a gorge.

What if I say something stupid and it echoes?

Kathleen's great, Teddy. You should definitely go.

Yeah. Take that gorgeous broad gorging.

Well, we'll see what the comet wants me to do.

Yup, that all makes perfect sense

as a way to live your life.

It is, Bob. Messages from the universe.

- They're all around us. - Mm... no.

You're telling me that when you're driving

and an Almond Brothers song is on the radio

as you pass Allman Brothers Street,

that doesn't mean anything?

Are you saying Almond Brothers?

I get it. One time I was on the phone with Ginger

and I said it was great to catch up

right as a bottle of ketchup fell over.

- Explain that. - You can't. It's impossible.

I mean, can't you, though? You work in a restaurant,

and you're on the phone with Ginger all the time.

It's just when you open yourself up to the universe,

it talks to you.

Um, I really don't think the universe can talk.

Only 'cause you're not listening.

You got to listen, Bob.

Tonight I am putting my antennae up

and I am ready to receive a sign that'll tell me

whether my next 30 years will be good or bad.

And if it's bad, well, then I don't know, maybe I won't go

to the gorge with Kathleen, and maybe not see her anymore.

It wouldn't be right to drag her down with my bad next 30 years.

Okay, so you're going to not see someone you really like

'cause a comet told you.

Bob, will you, uh, help me find something in my purse?

I'm scared of the inside of your purse.

Look, I know you think Teddy's talking hooey.

-'Cause he is. - But it doesn't matter what you think.

It only matters what Teddy thinks.

If Teddy believes he's gonna be happy, he'll be happy.

If he believes he's gonna be miserable, he'll be miserable.

We need to make sure whatever signs Teddy sees tonight,

that Teddy thinks they're good signs.

No, that seems like a hard job that I don't want to do.

I thought we were gonna sit down and look up.

You want Teddy to be miserable for 30 years?

In our restaurant, eating, sobbing with his mouth open?

Ugh, fine. I'll help him see good signs,

- whatever that means. - Yeah, you will.

Here it is. Here's my lip balm.

Let's find a nice spot, huh?

(hacking) I just swallowed a bug. Is that a bad sign?

LINDA: Uh, no. That's great.

- Good for you. - BOB: Uh, yeah.

- LINDA: Lucky. -(Teddy continues hacking)

Okay, universe, talk to me. What kind of chips should I get?

Uh... you don't need the universe

to tell you that, right?

- Bob. - TEDDY: Oh, I know.

I'll flip a coin. Heads, I get spicy.

Tails, I get regular. (grunts) It's tails.

Damn. I kind of wanted spicy.

- Oh, my God. - Ooh, kettle corn.

That's what I'm getting. Hi. Where'd you get the kettle corn?

- Over there. - Thank you.

Okay, I'm gonna go grab a kettle corn. Back in a sec.

And make sure Teddy sees good signs.

Or, Lin, you could stay and you do that?

Nope, mama needs her kettle. Bye.

Maybe there's an interesting-shaped chip in here

that will tell me my fate.

- Linda, please come back. - LINDA: Kettle.

LOUISE: Hello, new best friend.

We would like to make our wonderful wishes, please.

Of course. And also here's your wish paper launch pad.

- Ooh, launch pad. - Thank you so much.

Did you happen to notice the huge stack

- of wish paper she had there? - I did.

What's gonna happen to all those sweet, sweet

flammable extra wish papers?

I assume she's gonna write her novel on them,

then burn it in front of the New York book review

and say, "You wouldn't get it."

Coach Blevins, I'm sorry about that time in P.E.

when I wasn't trying my hardest climbing the rope.

You said, "Give it 110%," but I gave it 85, at best.

Reggie, I'm sorry for taking way more mustard packets

from your deli than I needed for a turkey sandwich.

Two packets is too much.

Ma'am, even though I didn't bump into you just now,

I almost did, and for that, I'm truly sorry.

Excuse me, have you seen anyone selling kettle corn?

Kettle corn? No.

Well, someone pointed here, and there's no kettle corn.

Oh, okay, ma'am, calm down.

You calm down, Glow-die Foster.

- What? - Kettle corn!

Looking for signs.

What'll the next 30 years bring, comet? Ooh! Ow!

Teddy, are you all right?

Yeah. I tripped on that rock,

and then I landed on another rock.

- Do you think that's a bad sign? - What? (grunts)

No, it's a

good sign. People say, uh, "break a leg" for luck,

and people also say, uh, "go trip on a rock," right?

- I never heard that before. - Oh, well, people say a lot of things.

All the time. All over the world.

- They do? - Oh, yeah.

So, uh, Tammy, I'm sorry

I tried to hit you in the head with a dodgeball

but then my throw was terrible

and I hit Henry Haber in the head and

we weren't playing dodgeball and it was during lunch.

Okay, why are you saying all this?

Because I wanted to make a wish upon the comet

but I couldn't until I finished apologizing for things I did

so I can have a pure heart and get everything off my chest.

You mean that thing on your jacket?

- Dang it. I thought I got that. - Mm, wait,

so what happens if I don't accept your apology?

Huh. Maybe I, uh, don't get my wish.

Mm-hmm. M'kay, I'll have to think about it

while you find me some hot chocolate.

- Wait, what? - Yeah, that'll make me feel better

about accepting your apology, which, right now,

of course, I just can't do.

Okay...

Ooh, can I have marshmallows, but no hot chocolate?

- Yup, yup. - Thank you.

Hello. We couldn't help but notice you have quite a stack

of wish paper and we would like many, please.

Oh, I can't. It's one per person.

Sure, sure, sure. We're not asking for us.

We're asking for our dad and mom and sister.

- Okay. Here you go. - And also our Uncle Buck.

- Oh. Okay. - LOUISE: Also,

- our cousin Vinny. - Okay.

And Vinny's girlfriend, Marisa Tomei.

You know what? Why don't you go to a place

that's away from this area.

Oh, wow, thank you. Uh...

And hey, maybe we'll make one of these wishes for you, lady.

GENE: If you find an ice cream sandwich in your pocket,

- that's from us. -(gasp) There he is.

I'll-I'll take two.

What is this? Is this plain popcorn?

- I wouldn't call salt plain - No kettle?

- You don't have kettle? - It's better than kettle.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, Better than... Whoa-ho.

I'm antsy. I'm antsy.

Maybe if I could just see the comet I'd feel better.

Oh. The Star Geezers would let me look through

- one of their telescopes, right? - Star Geezers?

Yeah, the senior citizen stargazing group.

Okay, but it's still cloudy.

Ah, I'm pretty sure telescopes can look through clouds.

Mm... Except, no.

Hello. I was wondering if we could just, you know,

take a peek through one of your lovely telescopes?

- I'm thinking that one. - No chance, Chester.

Bring your own expensive and delicate telescope.

Yeah, hit the bricks, Billy.

- Star Geezer code, no posers! - Dilettantes.

Okay, thank you, both.

You can look through mine.

Oh, great. I love the red flashlights.

That's so we don't get bright light in our eyes.

It can take hours for our vision to adjust to the dark.

That's why we call this the red light district.

- Here's mine. - Oh.

I was really hoping to look through one of the bigger ones.

- No. - Teddy.

Well, it's aimed at the right spot,

and it's a telescope,

so we just have to wait for the clouds to clear,

then we'll look right through here.

Oh, it can't look through clouds?

- No. - Can any of these?

- No. - Oh. - I told him that.

So, both eyes open?

- What? No. One eye open. - And which eye?

Really? The one looking through the telescope.

Got it. And what do you do with the other eye?

Are you serious? Y-You close it, Teddy.

Like you're winking.

- Winking or blinking? - BOB: Winking.

- You're blinking. - I'm blinking?

Yeah, keep the one eye open all the time.

Oh, like I'm winking. Why didn't you just say that, Bob? Geesh.

(sneezes) Oops. That came off.

Uh, I'll put it back. Where'd it go?

- No, no, no, no, no! - What, what, what?

- Aah! - My eyes! - Turn it off!

- Aah! - Oh... Oh... - No!

-(both grunt) - Oh, sorry.

It was adjusted perfectly, you son of a bitch! Aah!

- He's not worth it. - Oh, God.

- Idiot! - Yup. Got it. We're leaving.

That was it. That was the sign, and it was definitely bad.

The universe made me sneeze

and now I'm cursed for another 30 years.

Nope, not a bad sign. You're not cursed. It's just...

(grunts) Ow.

Oh, no. You're cursed, too. It's contagious.

Also, Bob, I sneezed, and you never said bless you.

That was like a bouquet of bad sign flowers

dropped directly on my doorstep.

No, that's not, uh... Linda. We're gonna find Linda

and she's gonna explain how that's not true.

(sighs) Blinding a bunch of senior citizens

was pretty clear-cut, Bob.

I mean, I can almost see normally now.

Maybe they can, too. Who are you calling?

Kathleen. I-I'm gonna let her down easy.

Teddy, no. Hang up.

- Ted-Teddy, just give me... Give me... - No. (grunting)

- Teddy. - It's going to voice mail.

- Give me the phone, Teddy. -(stammers)

- Kathleen, it's Teddy! Listen... - No! Hang up.

- You should just forget about me! I'm cursed, okay? - Don't listen to him!

- No! (grunts) - Bye. It was nice knowing you. Aah!

AUTOMATED VOICE: If you're satisfied with your voicemail, press one.

To delete, press two.

- Aah! - No! (grunting)

- Two. Delete. - Bob, give it back. No. Come on.

Hey, can I see my phone real quick?

I got to check the weather.

We have so many wishes to wish.

"I wish Ken would find his old hard drive

with all the bitcoin on it."

"I wish I had suction-cup hands

and could climb up buildings."

"I wish that movies let you reach right in

and hug your favorite characters."

"I also wish for Swiss Army hands."

"I wish my hair had ten percent more pizzazz."

No, wait, six and a half. Don't want to overdo it.

Done. Now all your hundreds of apps are arranged by color.

Oh, my God, your phone looks famous.

So, Tammy, do you want to just go ahead and accept my apology?

It's getting to be comet o'clock,

and I need that pure heart to make my wish.

Almost. See, it's my grandma's birthday today,

and I'll get in trouble if I don't call her,

so you need to be me and call her.

What? Why can't you call her?

Because talking on the phone is stupid.

Yeah. Gross.

I dialed. It's ringing.

But won't she know it's not you?

I call her Bubbie. You call her Bubbie.

You're me. Be great.

- BUBBIE: Hello? - Hey... happy birthday,

Bubbie... Bubbie baby.

30 more years of being cursed.

- That's so many. - Teddy, uh, cheer up.

Um, look out at the ocean.

- It's nice, right? - FISCHOEDER: Clouds! Part!

Part, clouds.

- Hi, Mr. Fischoeder. - Oh, hello, burger man.

Handy man. I'm parting the clouds for you. You're welcome.

- Thank you. - I took a bunch of mushrooms.

I mean, I... had some mushroom soup,

- and now I have magical powers. - Congratulations.

I'm trying to part this big cloud in the middle,

but it's being stubborn.

Oh. I've got a better idea.

I'll lasso them. Pull them down

and dunk them into the ocean to purify them

and then I'll blend them up to make a smoothie.

-(triumphant laugh) - Okay...

- Teddy, what're you doing? - I don't know.

Maybe I dunk myself in the ocean and purify me, right?

And-and get a re-do on the signs.

W-Worth a shot. Also, I have to pee.

Teddy, stop! It's night, and the water's freezing

and it's dangerous and you can pee anywhere.

Teddy, can you hear me? You can't hear me. Oh, my God.

It looks so not dry out there.

Teddy, come back to the land.

Ho-Holy crap that's cold.

Ow, rocks. Ah, more rocks.

The ocean has too many rocks.

(high-pitched squeal) Ow. Ow.

(high-pitched squeal) Teddy!

I wish for... (sighs)

I don't know... a ferret army?

Pretty sure you did that one already.

Yeah, it felt like it. How do we have so many wishes left?

Ooh, I know. "I wish for less wishes."

Well, Linda, you gave it your all,

- but I think you got to give up. - Don't give up.

I don't know what you're talking about, but don't give up.

Mr. Fischoeder. What are you doing?

Trying to pull the clouds away from the comet,

but it's not working. I haven't tried threats, though.

What do you think they fear the most?

- What? The clouds? - Yes.

I don't know. Birds? Big birds?

Yes, that's good. I can use that.

I think they're clearing.

I think we're about to see the comet.

Teddy, can we please go back? Oh!

- Something just touched my leg. - Yeah, it could be jellyfish

or a shark-- they feed at night--

but it's probably just seaweed or a shark.

Uh-huh. Great. Aah! I-I felt something else.

Was that a shark? Oh.

- Oh, come on. - Yeah, that's seaweed.

Hey, do you think seaweed is some kind of sign?

No! No, I don't!

Sea-weed. Like, see, like, look.

Teddy, stop it! Stop it! Just stop!

There are no signs, and the universe doesn't talk.

You have control over your life.

And if your last 30 years were bad,

it wasn't because of a nail you stepped on or some comet,

it was because of you,

and also 'cause life can be not good sometimes.

You're saying my last 30 years being bad is my fault?

Partially, yeah. The universe doesn't care about you

- or me or anyone. - That's not true.

It is true. We make decisions and they're either good or bad

and we have luck or we don't and we deal with it.

Like, we made the big decision

to spend a lot of money on the new countertops,

and maybe it's a mistake, but it'll be my mistake.

And Linda's. She kind of talked me into it.

So, it's, like, 40 my fault, 60 her fault. Anyway,

that's not the universe's mistake

because I saw a puddle

that looked like a thumbs up sign or something like that.

Are you kidding me? I'd kill for a thumbs up puddle.

I just can't believe your dumb belief

might make you stop seeing someone great like Kathleen,

which would be really dumb to do.

Well, I wouldn't want Kathleen to end up with someone who makes

all the wrong decisions, like I do, apparently.

That would be dumb.

Teddy, come on... Ugh. S-Stupid seaweed.

No, Bob. You're stupid seaweed!

Teddy, no, wait. Teddy.

(grunting) Teddy!

(grunting) I don't like you, ocean.

Okay, I braided your hair, so you could see how that looked,

then unbraided it, then braided it one more time

because you forgot to show Jocelyn, and then unbraided it.

I didn't like it.

You've been jerking me around all night. It's not cool.

You have been sort of jerky, Tammy.

Should you apologize to Tina?

Oh, my God, Tammy, is your heart not pure?

Um, my heart's pure.

- Nope. - No. - What?

Maybe your wish won't come true, Tammy.

(gasps) And I wished for World Peace.

You know, it's that mascara that's super expensive.

Apologize to Tina. That's good mascara.

- Yeah. Go. - Hurry.

Uh, okay, okay.

Um, Tina, I'm sorry for making you do

a bunch of stuff for me tonight.

- Thank you. - And I'm sorry for wiping boogers

on your locker.

- Um... - Okay.

and for drawing a picture of you

as a fart with hair, but, like, the hair

looked exactly like yours. Like, it came out great.

- Uh-huh. - And I'm sorry for threatening

to report your breath to the FBI.

Yeah, that was excessive.

(grunts) Sandy socks.

Whoa...

GENE and LOUISE: Whoa!

What is that? Oh, right, the comet.

The threats worked. Now I'm gonna tickle you, comet.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

(gasps) So beautiful. (gasps) Kettle corn!

Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I'll take all of them.

Yup. There it is.

(grunts) Oh, it's a seal.

Hi, seal. You're staring at me for a long time.

(chuckles) Okay.

Uh, this is weird.

Wait, you can't speak like a person can you?

No, that's dumb. I thought maybe we were,

like, in a body switch... No, n-never mind.

You're leaving. Oh, you came back.

We are definitely having a moment.

So, does this mean that...

Is this what Teddy was talking about?

Are you a sign or something? Hey,

is Teddy gonna be okay? I-I'll tell him.

If his next 30 years are gonna be good,

keep, um, looking at me.

Wow.

All right. And maybe... we're gonna be okay?

Our-our-our restaurant is gonna be okay,

if you keep looking at me?

Okay. All right.

Th-This is incredible. I-I've never... Th-This

has never happened to me before.

Oh, you're swimming away. Okay. Bye, seal.

I'll go tell Teddy.

Linda.

Bob. You would not believe what happened to me.

(panting) Come on. We got to go find Teddy. I-I saw a sign.

- What? You're soaking wet. - Yeah, yeah.

You want some kettle corn? I got you some.

No. Wait, yeah.

Okay, we got a lot of wishes to light up,

- so let's move. You got matches? - What? No.

Oh, God, we don't have fire.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir, do you have fire?

Ma'am, do you have fire?

What, you don't want to give matches to kids?

Why didn't we wish for matches?

Hey guys. Ugh, I finally get my heart pure

and the lady at the wish paper table

said they were all out of...

- Go nuts, kid. - Whoa.

A lot of good it'll do you unless you have a flame.

I have a flame. I brought the bathroom matches from home.

- Yes, yes, yes! - Yay!

You're gonna like this a lot more

than where you came from, little matches.

- BOB: Teddy! Teddy! - What?

You want to yell at me some more about how everything's my fault?

No. Listen, after you left,

the most amazing, once in a lifetime thing happened.

I saw a sign.

Nice try, Bob.

You can stop pandering now, okay? You win.

There are no signs. We're all just out here on our own

in the dark, stepping on nails all the time.

No, Teddy. It's crazy, but I think maybe the universe

might've just talked to me?

And I think it said that you're gonna be okay.

What? How? What happened?

I saw a seal, and it basically had a conversation with me.

- A seal? - Yes. The clouds parted,

and I saw the comet and then I saw a seal.

And it changed my mind.

M-Maybe you're right. Maybe there are signs.

And maybe it's up to us to figure out what they mean.

It's like... I don't know, poetry, I guess.

Do you think we'll understand poetry now?

Maybe? Or pottery? No.

I-I-I'm just glad that-that you got a sign.

And I'm very cold, but you got a sign.

A-A good sign.

We got one, too, by the way. I-I threw us in there.

The countertops? The seal made it seem like it was a good call.

Oh, okay. Thanks, seal.

Wait. Seal, sealant. You know?

Sealant goes on the countertops.

That's why it was a seal.

- Eh, seems like kind of a stretch, Bob. - What?

Hey, can you hand me my phone?

I want to see if it's still working.

- Oh. Yeah. - Eesh.

My phone got very wet, too, if it makes you feel any better.

And my wallet. But still, I'm friends with a seal.

Hey, it still works. It's a sign.

E-Excuse me, guys, I-I got to make a call.

Hello, Kathleen? It's Teddy. From dating.

Hey, kids.

Whoa. I see you found the wish paper.

Yeah, we did.

What're you wishing for, Tina?

To kiss a boy on the Eiffel Tower at sunset,

- and we're on horses somehow. - Take this one, too,

- on the house. -"Helicopter."

Oh, yeah. How else would I get the horses

onto the Eiffel Tower? Thanks.

LOUISE: Yes, beautiful flames,

- rise to the wishing gods. - Yeah!

Aw, bye, little wishes.

♪ Kettle corn ♪

(gasps) ♪ So beautiful ♪

♪ Kettle corn ♪

(gasps) ♪ So beautiful ♪

- Kettle corn ♪ - LINDA: What is this?

- Is this plain popcorn? - MAN: I wouldn't call salt plain.

-♪ Kettle corn ♪ - No kettle?

You don't have kettle?

- MAN: It's better than kettle. - LINDA: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Better than... Whoa, whoa.

♪ Kettle corn ♪

Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

I'll take all of 'em.

♪ Kettle corn ♪

(gasps) ♪ So beautiful, kettle corn ♪

Oh, I got it in my teeth.

Ooh, ooh, it's still good, though.

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.