Original subtitles

♪ ♪

(porcelain shatters)

- Linda. - What is it? What happened? What happened?

- I heard something. - Oh.

I-I really hope it's not a burglar.

I'm not good at fighting.

- Or running away. - Oh, God. What if it is?

The house is a mess. I feel bad for the burglar.

- Hey. - Oh, hey, Louise.

Are you okay?

I've never seen you sweep anything before.

Yeah. Sorry about the sugar bowl.

I was just gonna have a few spoonfuls for clean energy.

- Okay. - Why do you have a blow-dryer?

- And a pillow? - They're our weapons.

We thought there was a burglar. We were gonna style him.

And then he could have a little rest.

- Hmm. That's a great plan. - Here, let me help you with that.

It's the middle of the night, I thought you went to bed.

You're still working on your career day assignment?

Oh, no, all done, it's just in invisible ink, so, you know...

- Hmm. -(Gene yawns)

Hey, what's going on?

Are you guys having Midnight Breakfast without me?

No, I was just getting down the sugar bowl

- to have some sugar for... - BOTH: Clean energy.

Yeah, so I could finish/start my poster board

- and the bowl fell. - Oh, your poster looks great.

TINA: Not too busy.

Ugh, I just... we're supposed to research

different careers that we could see ourselves being

when we grow up and I-I can't.

Oh. I mean, yeah. There are a lot of jobs out there.

Doctor, lawyer... I know there's others.

I'm gonna be a cheesemonger.

Give me that cheese and I'll mong it.

Based on the video we watched in class,

it seems like most jobs are just boring?

No offense. The restaurant is great.

But what if I grow up and I just am not really anything cool?

Or exciting. What if I'm just a boring-life person?

You? No.

Louise, you are never gonna be a boring-life person.

You know what's very not boring to me, is sleep.

And then helping you with this very quickly in the morning.

Or we get into it. I mean, I have a good idea

of what Louise could be when she grows up.

Uh, great. Can you tell us in the morning?

I mean, sure, it might seem like you have

a boring job, but that'll just be your cover.

-(Bob grunts) - So there you are,

at your data organizing job,

just organizing data, like you always do. Or do you?

Hey, Louise. A bunch of us are gonna go

to the chicken finger place and get shrimp.

- Do you want to join? - Eh. I wish I could.

Suit yourself.

♪ ♪

(engine shuts off)

Here's the target in Sicily.

Our client wants it done discreetly, but also,

- in a sort of cool way. - Here's your grabber, sir.

- How's that grab you? - Love it, sir.

GENE: So, you go to Freddie NoGoodio's house

and wait for him to come back

from whatever he was doing out on the town.

Probably eating spaghetti with his mistress.

Whoa! (chuckles)

Out of my way, short stuff.

Speaking of shorts...

-(grunts) - Freddie, meet wedgie.

(screams) My butt crack!

That's right. You're gonna be a highly skilled

- wedgie-sassin. - LINDA: Oh.

GENE: So you head home where you live with your platonic friend

and professional human statue street performer Rudy.

(whirring sounds)

Long night at the data organization office?

Yeah. One data was so disorganized,

I really had to wedge it into shape.

Well, I'm gonna hit the hay.

Good night, platonic roommate and good friend.

- Good night. - Oh. Got a little paint on you. Sorry.

(Rudy screams)

No! Rudy.

- You've been wedgied. - GENE: That's right.

You aren't the only highly skilled wedgie-sassin in town.

You have an archrival, and she's missing

a few ingredients from her brain bread.

Millie.

Ugh. Millie is still copying me?

Yep, big-time.

She even copied your 401(k) plan.

Anyway, as you sit by Rudy's hospital bed...

I never meant for this to happen to you.

I should have told you not to wear underwear.

This is all my fault.

- Mrs. Regular Sized? - No, I'm just a friend.

- A platonic friend and roommate. - Of course.

- Will he live, Doc? - I don't know.

Not because I used to be a dentist

and I just became a doctor,

but because it's more dramatic this way.

We're trying to make the hospital more dramatic.

Anyway, your platonic friend and roommate

has the worst wedgie I've ever seen.

His B-crack has been stretched 33%.

I hope the authorities find whoever did this.

Whoever did this is hoping I don't find them first.

GENE: So you go to one of those places

that all the wedgie people know about.

It looks like it's just

some kind of arty-farty store, but really,

it's a cool weapons depot/fun hangout spot in general.

But the only art Louise is interested in

is the art of revenge.

- Cranberry juice? - Not tonight.

I have to have my wits about me.

Yeah. Heard your platonic roommate got wedged real bad.

Millie went against the wedgie-sassin code.

- I'll take one of everything. - The tushie tickler?

- Yep. - The patoot pincher?

- Oh, yeah. - The cheek splitter?

Edith, I said everything.

Okay, okay.

I couldn't tell if you were serious

or if you were just doing that for effect.

Eh, it was both.

♪ ♪

You want your vengeance mix, boss?

Crank it.

♪ ♪

Hey. Where do you think you're going?

I think I'm going inside.

And you're going to cheek-ah-go.

(shouts)

(groaning)

MILLIE: Oh, there's my BFF.

Want to make some friendship bracelets?

Or fight to the death? Either works for me.

You hurt Rudy's booty. Now I'm gonna do my duty.

Okay, so the fighting one.

Before we fight, I got to know-- why'd you do it, Millie?

Why'd you split Rudy's ham?

I was just trying to get your attention.

I think maybe I'd be a more fun roommate for you.

We could join up, tag-team our wedgie work,

- just have fun with it. - Never.

Well, then I'll just wedgie everyone you love

until you agree to be my wedgie-sassin partner/

roommate/best friend forever for life for reals.

Last chance, Louise.

Be my BFF or BFW.

What's a BFW?

- Best forever wedgie. - A forever wedgie?

That wedgie is outlawed under the Geneva Conventions.

Yeah, I know,

but that's so conventional.

(grunting)

Uh-oh.

Now, here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna stay away from my platonic friends and loved ones,

you're gonna stop copying me

and you're gonna leave the wedgie business for good.

Or I give you a forever wedgie.

Mm, I'll take the forever wedgie.

Okay. It's your crack's funeral.

Wait! I changed my mind. I'll do the other stuff.

All right. But I'm gonna hold on to this just in case.

C-Can we still be friends?

Acquaintances? Or-or best acquaintances?

I love you!

Rudy, you're awake. How's your butt?

Doctor says it's got a big crack down the middle.

But it's gonna make it.

How was your weekend?

I went to brunch six times. I'm so full.

Mine was pretty uneventful.

Just... organized some data.

- Mm-kay, bye. -(quietly): And some underwear.

GENE: And you drink your coffee with a little grabber,

because, secretly, you're a badass ass assassin.

And your career isn't boring at all. The end.

Ooh! That does sound like a pretty cool career.

Yeah, and totally possible.

Yeah. I-I guess.

Those grabbers do sound fun,

but I think it might be pretty hard to break into

the international wedgie game without connections.

So, should we... get to bed?

Or maybe you're something even more exciting than an assassin.

-(resigned): Okay. - Like a teacher.

In a school? Tina, how dare you?

Hold on. You teach a little class

on treasure hunting in Kathmandu.

Okay. Treasure hunting. I'm listening.

So, you hunted for treasure until you made your fortune,

and then you decided to teach the next generation.

But when one of the most beautiful women in the world--

who also has a great personality--

shows up with a request you can't refuse,

you, um...

can't refuse it.

Hi, Louisianna. It's me, your sister, Tina.

And this is my butler, Gene, who looks like your brother,

but it isn't him. Um, this one's British.

(English accent): Anyone want some tea?

A treasure's been lost, and I need your help.

Tina, you know I'm retired from treasure hunting.

I sold all my treasure findings and bought a bunch of candy.

Look, I even keep an extra-long licorice whip

in my hat for snacking.

But wh-what if I told you the whole world was in danger

because a treasure had fallen into the wrong hands

and that this artifact is probably

the most valuable object in the world

a-and it could also end it?

- Sausage? - Not now, Gene.

Louisianna, listen, the artifact is a certain CD

of a certain never-before-released

Boyz4Now song.

You don't mean-- But... (scoffs)

...that's in a vault in the Boyz4Now Museum.

Correction, it was there.

It got stolen a week ago.

Oh, no. That CD of the first song

they ever recorded together,

"I Kiss My Pillow and Think of You,"

has always been considered too exciting for human ears.

That's right. When the record executive heard it,

he pooped and peed his pants and also barfed until he exploded.

So anyone who hears it...

Will also immediately pee and poop their pants

and barf all at the same time until they explode.

Ooh, my.

If someone were to broadcast it around the world,

my God.

It's diabolical.

It's diarrhea-bolical.

I'll get my things.

(tea set clinking)

TINA: I'm not sure we have time for smoothies, Louise.

LOUISE: We're not here for smoothies. We're here for answers.

But, yeah, if anyone does want a smoothie, that's fine.

Well, isn't this a surprise.

Rudy, we need information.

You know I got out

of the information-getting business, Louise.

Plus, I'm mad at you from before.

We were supposed to move in together

as platonic roommates and friends,

and then you ran off to Kathmandu.

I had to break the lease, and it broke my heart.

Platonically.

Sorry about that, Rudes.

Being roommates wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Sometimes I sleepwalk holding a knife.

Roommates don't like it, but it's perfectly safe.

Well, it looks like you want information from me

and I want you out of my joint.

I guess we better settle this the way we used to--

with a smooth-off.

Holy crap.

Oh, boy. This one has banana.

Chunky.

(gags) Oh, it's too thick!

- Whoo-hoo! - Yeah! -(laughs)

Ah, fine. You win.

What do you want to know?

I want to know what you know

about the never-before-released single

- by Boyz4Now. - Shh! Keep your voice down.

I heard it was in the wind, but I didn't want to believe it.

Well, you can believe my sister Tina.

She's the curator of the Boyz4Now Museum.

And their manager and personal masseuse.

Well, I've heard whispers they reopened

the Cold War Disco Caves in Siberia.

That might be connected to the missing CD.

Hmm. I don't suppose we could convince you to come along?

Think we'll be back by 6:00?

Eh, 6:00-ish.

But I can't promise you that you won't pee.

Or poop. Or barf.

No one can promise anyone that.

TINA: So you fly to Siberia.

And just to say, what an interesting career, huh?

Travel, free smoothies, cool hats.

LOUISE: Yeah, I guess.

So how do we find the Cold War Disco Caves?

Also, what is a Cold War disco cave?

They're top secret fallout shelters with great lighting

and incredible acoustics where people could still disco dance

in the event of a nuclear war.

We'll find 'em. We just got to use our ears.

Lot of ground to cover. Better get started.

-(muffled bass pulsing) - Ah. Never mind.

They're right below us.

- Oh, good. - But how do we get in?

I found a hatchy. Sorry, you Americans say "door."

Wait.

- Booby trap. - How do you know?

Icicles don't grow sideways.

What do we do?

We sled. Hop on.

Oh, wait. So we just...

(screaming)

-(dance music playing) - Oh, good.

You're just in time for my next dance.

- Jimmy Jr.? - Yeah, it's J-Ju.

Total evil mastermind.

Equally dangerous on the dance floor.

- Hey, Tina. - Zeke.

Y'all want some Cold War disco snacks

before we show you how the world's gonna end?

We got bean dip.

In England, we call it "mushy brown."

Glad you could make it for the big show, Tina.

And I see you brought along your famous sister,

Louisianna Jones... Belcher.

- And me. - And me.

Hi, I'm Rudy, owner of Rudy's Smoothies.

- Oh, man, those are great. - Thank you.

Wait, Tina, Jimmy Jr.'s the bad guy in your story?

Yeah. I'm mad at him. He wouldn't share

- his gum yesterday. - Okay.

Jimmy Jr., why are you doing this?

You know why.

Because you're jealous of my completely professional massage

and museum curation-based relationship with the Boyz4Now?

Yes, Tina, I am.

But there won't be anything to be jealous of

when their first single wipes out the entire human race.

But the Boyz4Now will still be alive.

Because I don't think you can explode

from hearing your own song.

Or they would have exploded when they recorded it.

It doesn't matter, Tina.

Their reputation will be ruined.

Because people don't like being exploded.

Uh, how you gonna do it? You want to do that thing

where you tell us your entire plan?

Not so I have time to figure out how to stop you or anything.

With pleasure.

This transmitter can reach every TV,

every phone, every Bluetooth device in the world.

And when I tell Zeke to put on

"I Kiss My Pillow and I Think of You,"

everyone will pee and poop and barf and explode

and you'll have to marry me

because everyone else is all exploded.

Okay. Keep saying words.

And Zeke will hit this switch right here

so it doesn't play in our noise-cancelling headphones

but it does play everywhere else.

And Tina will put these on so she doesn't poop,

pee, barf and explode.

- What about us? - Oh, you're all gonna explode.

- Oh, boy. -(quietly): Tina, distract him.

Uh, hey, Jimmy Jr.,

what if we have appetizers at our wedding?

Fine. Oh, and, FYI, I'll do the couples dance by myself.

- No offense. - Totally. Totally.

Zeke, let's do this. Headphones on.

Get ready to press play.

I'm definitely putting these on.

Right over my ears.

Good. That's what I said to do.

- Zeke, hit it! - Yeah!

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

So, in the future, I'm gonna explode Jimmy Jr.?

Yeah. You're gonna save the world and explode Jimmy Jr.

What? He didn't share his gum.

Well, I mean, cool story, Tina,

but I think now, if you find treasure,

you should just give it back to the country it came from?

I don't know. I'm just gonna put "data organizer,"

"paper stamper" and "desk sitter" on my poster

and go to bed.

I'll get an "F," because I'm supposed to write

about each one and provide images and blah, blah, blah,

but at least I'll be done.

Uh, wait. Wh-What if I have a story,

uh, about what you do?

Maybe you're right, Louise.

Maybe when you grow up

you-you won't be anything special.

Yep, great start. (quietly): Dad, do better.

At first. A-At first.

Maybe you will be a desk sitter o-or a paper stamper.

Lots of people are. And that's fine.

But, you know, not doing anything special

isn't necessarily a permanent condition.

Just because you stop growing

doesn't mean you stop growing.

Whoa. Wait, what?

It's... Just listen.

So, you're older. You're in your 20s, let's say.

And let's take the restaurant out of this.

Maybe your mom and I close the restaurant at some point

and we just, I don't know...

LINDA: Make crafts!

And, uh, sell 'em on the Internet.

You know, little pajamas for candles. Right?

Pajamas for candles?

Yeah. Pajandles. We talked about this.

Okay. But, anyway, uh,

none of us work at the restaurant anymore.

- And you go to college. - LINDA: Community college.

- That we can afford. - TINA: All the boys, half the price.

BOB: Right. Yes. A-And you don't know

exactly what you want to do, so you choose, uh, biology.

Or, uh, chemistry.

Or-or-or biochemistry,

because you like those Bunsen burner thingies.

Because of the fire.

I do kinda like those Bunsen burner thingies.

BOB: But you get out of college.

And you land a job.

I-In a lab.

And it's a little boring.

Hey, Louise. Some of us are going to the taco place

to get pizzas. You want to come?

Uh, n-no, thanks.

Okay! Bye or whatever.

♪ ♪

(beeping)

Scientists are baffled as to why,

for the past month, no new calves have been born.

BOB: And, yeah, that's your life.

♪ ♪

Wait, I just work and eat and sleep?

I don't have any friends?

I mean, sure. Y-You do.

A few. Um, you know, people from work.

But, uh, Tina lives out of town on her small horse farm...

Wait, why is it small? Go big, baby.

Sorry, Tina. It's-It...

- Okay, so it's sort of a big horse farm. - Yes.

And Gene's a traveling musician.

Each night a different city.

Don't know where I am half the time,

but I'm addicted to the applause.

And we have a cool tour bus.

With foosball.

Yeah. And next thing you know,

you're in your mid-30s.

Trudy, the last known cow to be born,

was placed under government protection

after yet another kidnapping attempt.

Scientists still haven't solved the infertility crisis in cows

that some are calling "Ar-moo-geddon."

Is this like that movie Children with Men?

Three Men and a Baby?

Children of Men.

Yes. Kind of.

So, same job, but you got a promotion.

You're manager of... biology things now.

LINDA: Good for you, gettin' a promotion.

- That's my girl. - TINA: Whoo-hoo!

It's so sad about cows, right?

I love ice cream.

Me, too. And burgers.

Wait, burgers are cows?

I got to go do lab stuff. Bye.

BOB: Then your wheels start turning.

Pieces of a puzzle you didn't even know

you were working on start falling into place.

- LINDA: You've always been good at puzzles. - GENE: To me,

the biggest puzzle is the human heart.

BOB: And it's a good thing you're on the case, because the Cow Crisis

is causing turmoil all around the world.

And you realize you need a little help from one

of the only people you know for sure you can trust.

- What the hell? - Sorry.

I couldn't find a small rock to throw.

There's a pile of small rocks right there.

Oh. Whoops.

Listen, I need to borrow a cow.

- Wait, I thought I had a horse farm. - You do. Y-You will.

But you also have a few cows.

To be friends with the horses.

And, you know, for milk. And cheese.

Before it's gone forever.

Except for goat. And sheep.

And nut cheese.

D-Don't say "nut cheese."

- Nut cheese. Sorry. - Anyway,

Tina keeps watch outside the barn door

while you go in to work with the cow.

TINA: Yeah, I keep watch with my farmhand, Jimmy Jr.

Who can't wear a shirt because it's itchy.

Wait, I thought you were mad at him.

I was. But then you exploded him and now I feel better.

Well, why do they have to keep watch?

- Who were they watching for? - Oh.

Um, all kinds of people.

Th-The cow thing started a chain reaction,

and stuff got really weird really fast.

Lot of people out of work, worried about the future,

lot of weird political stuff going on.

Anyone doing underground cow research was under threat,

and that's exactly what you were doing.

But you're on it now.

Your passion keeps you working late into the night.

And, yeah, at one point, you were worried

you didn't choose the right career,

that you didn't have the right job, but then...

you were here.

The right person in the right place

at the right time.

And then you do it.

You solve it.

Louise, you did it! This cow is with cow!

But a baby. A baby cow.

Calf. Sorry, sorry, I'm excited!

-(tires screech) - Uh-oh. They're here.

We can't let them take her.

They'll just use her as a tool in their little wars.

So, w-wait, who are the bad guys?

Uh, well, you know, it's... complicated.

And I can't remember the movie very well, but, uh,

you definitely can't trust anybody except your sister.

What about her cool musician/

foosball enthusiast brother?

Right. Well, I was just getting to that.

We can go down here. It's my secret room

where I keep my porcelain horse figurines.

But there's stairs.

Cows can't go down stairs.

Yes, they can. Our mom taught us how a long time ago.

- LINDA: Aw! -(quietly): Quick, everyone, give me your socks.

They're not gonna stop coming for us.

We need to get somewhere safe so this calf can be born

and I can continue my work.

Oh, Zeke captains a booze cruise that sails out of the wharf.

It's pretty loud and really overpriced,

but he can help us escape.

How do we get to the boat?

Well, we know someone with a bus.

The Gene Machine?

Oh, man. Big fan.

We're looking for a pregnant cow.

You haven't seen one, have you?

No, man!

I'm just here to have a good time!

(chuckles) Rock on, Gene.

I can't do it any other way!

(quietly): Come on, come on. Move those udders.

No offense, but this cow is not good at foosball.

BOB: So you arrive at the waterfront

and the bad guys are right behind you.

And you don't know this yet, but there are

bad guys right in front of you, too.

(mooing)

The calf's about to be born!

Quick! In here!

Oh, wow.

BOB: And the calf is born,

thanks to you, Louise.

And there's shooting all around you.

And, uh, explosions.

But when you come out, with the little baby calf,

everything stops.

♪ ♪

And you get to the boat and you finish your research

and you figure out a way for all the cows

to start having babies again.

Moo what?

BOB: So you basically save the world.

And just to say it, you save burger restaurants, too.

And, uh, yeah, after you get all the awards

and the world goes back to normal,

you and your brother and your sister decide

to open the restaurant again. Just for fun.

TINA: But maybe we should also do veggie burgers, right?

-'Cause of all that cow stuff? - GENE: And we sell the most beautiful fedoras.

BOB: Sure. And you should all pursue your own things, also.

So, you can write whatever you want

on your poster board, Louise,

but you don't have to be so worried.

I mean, you do, a little, you know,

because life can be tricky.

Yes, and life can be boring sometimes.

And not feel special sometimes.

But it's also fun and exciting other times.

And I know all three of you are gonna do great things.

And I can't wait to see what those things are.

- Ooh, I can't wait. - Yeah.

And a lot of it can be a surprise.

I-I didn't know I was gonna have my own restaurant.

Or three kids.

Or that much body odor.

No, I-I knew I'd have that, Gene.

- It's probably genetic. -(whispers): Oh, no.

Okay, knuckleheads, yeesh.

Go to bed. I got to finish my homework.

- So, you're good? - I'm good.

I feel better about stuff. Thanks, guys.

Aw, you're welcome.

(yawns) Actually, Mom,

do you want to get started on this for me

and I'll give it a quick look-see in the morning?

- Sure. Hand me a marker. - Lin, no.

- Right, right. - Fine. Never mind.

GENE: Oh, and I forgot to memorize the state capitals.

- Mom, do your thing. - LINDA: On it. Albany. - BOB: Oh, my God.

♪ I kiss my pillow ♪

♪ And I think of you ♪

♪ When the lights go out ♪

- Here's what I do ♪ - What do you do?

♪ I softly touch my pillow's cheek ♪

♪ We're both too overwhelmed to speak ♪

♪ And I'm careful not to use my teeth ♪

♪ When I kiss your cotton lips so sweet ♪

♪ Will you be this lumpy when we meet ♪

♪ I sure hope so ♪

♪ At night, I give my pillow just a little kiss ♪

♪ All your corners are so square and crisp ♪

♪ I never thought I'd end up ♪

♪ With a bed like this. ♪

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