Original subtitles

♪ ♪

I'm back. So, guess who I ran into

- at the grocery store? - Terri Gross... ery?

- No, I saw a mom from school. - Oh, wow.

I haven't seen her in a while and I really like her.

- Who was it? - Oh, I don't know her name.

Anyway, her family just got back from this big summer trip.

They did all this fun family bonding stuff: a zip-line,

got braids in their hair, played with a monkey...

Wait, so some families go on vacation in the summer?

They don't spend it working in a hot slop shop together?

Yeah, why don't we go anywhere in the summer?

Is it because you need to have money

and that's not exactly our thing?

Correct. But who wants to go places,

when you can have great childhoods here?

This is fun, right?

This thing I'm doing with the salt, eh?

Mm, maybe we can't afford not to take a trip once in a while.

And this weekend is the last weekend of summer.

Right, but Labor Day weekend?

It's gonna be pretty busy around here.

Oh, come on, Bob. I just want to poke around online,

see if there's anything for one night only and cheap.

Maybe don't search those exact words.

Right. Good point.

LOUISE: I like how

this movie is 80% explosions.

And 20% life-affirming wisdom.

I've got some exciting news!

And yet you're holding zero ice cream.

I just found our one-night,

end-of-summer, super-cheap, family summer trip.

- Oh, wow. Lakeside cabin. - LINDA: Uh-huh.

- Can we use those canoes? - Yes. There are canoes,

a rope-swing over the water...

- Go on. - A floating platform

in the middle of the lake to lay on...

I like laying. Also lounging.

...a grill to enjoy meals outside,

and the closest neighbors are half a mile away.

I love grilling outside.

And I hate people.

I mean, being near people.

And there's a fire pit we can sit around at night.

We can catch up on each other's lives,

laugh, cry, and just bond the crap out of each other.

Um, is that TV logo wearing a fun red sash?

Uh, I think it means the cabin doesn't have a TV.

- What? - No, that's crazy.

It probably means there's only one TV.

That is a line through a TV, that means no TV!

Oh. Well, no TV is a good thing.

You got to pay extra for no TV in some places.

Uh, that's a line through an electrical plug.

Oh, my God, does this cabin have no power?

- Um... - Well, now we know why this place was so cheap.

Mom found a medieval torture cabin.

Okay, maybe I didn't read the description,

but we're gonna be together,

breathing the fresh air, drinking the fresh water.

It's "BYODW."

"Bring your own drinking water."

- Oh, my God. -"Tap water is non-pot-able well-water."

- Potable. - I think it's poot-able.

People, we can live without water, but no TV?

- That will kill us. - Listen.

If you'd rather sit on the couch and watch TV

all weekend, then fine.

But I think this family could use a little trip

and some special time together.

(groans) Okay.

Let's do it?

Great! But can you seem more excited when you say that?

Uh... let's do it.

Yay, family weekend in a cabin!

- Yay! -(groaning, clamoring)

Bear hug!

I'm not feeling so good about this.

Well, I'm feeling great about this.

Me, too, plus

it's battery powered. It should get to see the world.

Okay, we all know our job tomorrow.

Good luck, don't get caught.

Everybody kiss the TV goodnight.

(smooches, coughs) Dusty.

Hi, I'm here to pick up a key

for a cabin I'm renting.

Oh, sure. Mr. Collins told me you'd be coming by.

Well, this is a nice little system.

The owner leaving the key in this quaint little gas station.

And fun for you, right?

Oh, yeah, it's a hoot.

What can I do for ya, Henry?

I need some more bug spray.

- They're bad by my place. - Ew!

- Sorry. What bit ya? - You're not from around here.

She's renting the Collins cabin.

Oh. Well, Nippin' Nevins are what bit me.

Nippin' what?

Nippin' Nevins. We get a lot of 'em up here.

They usually aren't biting this time of year,

but I guess they're doing their nippin' early.

It was real still, then wham!

The wind shifted and a big swarm

of those suckers just appeared, as if out of nowhere.

So they're like mosquitos?

If only. They're like if mosquitos were meaner,

and smaller, and could get in your windpipe.

And they sound like... (buzzing)

No, it's more like... (gurgling)

Yeah, that's it. She's better at doing the sound.

Um, you know what, I'll take a can of spray, just in case.

And those mints. Oh, and that gum.

Ooh, and that gum.

- What'd you buy? - Mints and gum.

- Gimme, gimme, gimme. - Got some bug repellent, too.

Oh. Good idea.

Yeah, I guess there's some weird local bug

that bites you in your windpipe.

Did you say "windpipe"?

I don't know, something like that.

- You want a mint? - Yes, I want a mint.

LOUISE: We want you to have one.

LINDA (singsongy): We're almost at the cabin.

(gasps) Oh, there's the lake!

There's the floating platform!

Can't wait to jump off of that.

Get a wedgie. That's summer.

"Warning: Risk of giardia remains high."

- Who the hell is Giardia? - Is she a cousin of Narnia?

Giardia is a bacteria or a parasite.

I just know that it gives you really, really bad diarrhea.

As opposed to really, really good diarrhea?

So the lake is officially off-limits.

No lake on a lake trip?

What are we gonna do all weekend?

There's other stuff. Fun stuff.

- Like? - Like...

looking at the lake and smelling the lake.

(sniffs) Oh, yeah. You can smell the giardia from here.

Yep, yep, yep. Should we go check out the cabin now...

that was non-refundable?

So, is that it?

Yeah, that must be it.

Maybe it's tiny from the outside, but inside

it's really big? Nope, tiny in there, too.

-(all groaning, coughing) - Oof!

A little musty. Let's get these windows open.

We're roughing it, huh? It's fun.

- It's fun. - Found the bathroom!

And now I will introduce myself to it.

A closet. Interesting.

Hey, Tina, this is a good place to put

the box of pillows and extra water.

Oh. Um, good idea.

You guys were so nice carrying that stuff

to the car, from the car. And you packed it.

- Yep. -(screams)

I just smelled the smell of a thousand dead poops!

Did you hold it in for that long?

- I told you to stop doing that. - That wasn't my smell.

When I flushed the toilet, it was like I opened a portal

to another dimension-- a fecal dimension!

So, that's a fun new thing.

Maybe we should check it out?

Yeah, do that. Gene, want to come into the closet with us

- and the... pillow box? -(Linda and Bob groan)

Oh. Coming.

Why isn't it turning on?

You put the batteries in, right, Tina?

Yep. Six D batteries.

I haven't seen six D's since my last report card.

Um, Tina, where did you get these?

From the bag of batteries in the hall closet?

- That's the dead battery bag. - What?

Mom keeps the good batteries in her nightstand.

Why do we have a bag of dead batteries?

'Cause Mom says there's a special way to dispose

of them but she never found out what it was.

And if we're being honest, I don't think she ever will.

Tina, I made the decoy TV out of a shoebox,

Gene swapped the pillows out for the TV.

You were on batteries.

I'm sorry, but it's not my fault our battery situation's a mess.

Great, I guess this is a bust

like everything else in this cabin.

Well, it seems like that is

just how the bathroom is gonna be.

Okay, so we have to smell everyone else's poop

who's stayed here for the last couple years.

(chuckles) Big deal.

- Hmm. - Huh. A radio.

At this point, I'll take anything.

Where's the "on" button?

Looks like an emergency radio.

You turn that crank to power it up.

I got to work for my music?

(groans) Fine.

(grunting) This woods music is weird.

- That's static. - REPORTER: Advisory alert.

The Rimshaw Pass will remain closed due to high winds...

I think emergency radios only get the weather band?

Okay, let's get outside and start having some fun, huh?

REPORTER: The forest service advises staying indoors...

Uh, wait, hang on, there's some sort of advisory.

...due to a Nippin' Nevins infestation.

-"Infestation"? - Shifting winds will bring swarms

into the Mountain Grove Forest...

Uh, isn't that where we are, Mountain Grove something?

And is that the same bug you were talking about in the car,

- w-with the windpipe? - Oh, yeah, Nippin' Nevins.

Come on, don't let a few bugs ruin our weekend.

- We're bigger than them. -(distant buzzing)

Is that sound coming from the radio?

That's not static.

- TINA: Aah! - Seal it up! Seal it up!

(gasping) Oh, they have a guest book.

That's a nice touch. (gasping)

-(Tina gasping) - Ow! I'm under attack!

They're coming through the gap under the door.

Aah! Kill them! Kill them all!

Tina, you're gonna use all the spray.

Plus, it's repellent to spray on us, not on them.

So we spray ourselves, then roll on the bugs?

Duct tape! We can seal the gap.

(panting) There. No more Nippin' Nevins.

We're good now.

This is fine. Hey, come on.

Let's, uh, let's explore the cabin.

Oh, look at that. Look at the wood.

Lin, uh, can I talk to you in private for a second?

I think maybe we should leave.

And go home. Like right now.

- Yes! - Yay! - Seriously!

Sorry. That was private.

Oh, come on, it's just a swarm of bugs.

It'll move on. It's what swarms do.

Then we can go back outside.

Uh, Lin, we can't even go in the lake.

Because of the diarrhea water.

Also the food in the cooler might spoil

'cause it's a hundred degrees in here.

It's not a hundred degrees, Bob.

It's 82 degrees.

- What? - Wait, now it's 83.

Well, sweat's good for you.

Makes you shiny.

We're not gonna let freaky flies

and giardia ruin our summer trip.

We could, uh, play a game. Dominoes!

Does anyone know how to play?

Do we just throw them at each other? I'll go first.

Yeah, that seems great.

Uh, Nippin' Nevin!

- Where? -(Tina gasping)

I think it came up through the sink.

- Aah! - Tina, stop! Duct tape!

- Bob, grab the duct tape! - Here!

-(Tina gasping) - Psst, come on.

Tina, there was no bug.

I made it up to distract Mom and Dad.

Really? Okay, phew.

Listen, Mom's gonna make us

spend the night here in this sweaty bug box.

So we got to find a way to power this baby up.

Otherwise, I don't know if I'm gonna make it.

We could wait for lightning?

It worked for Ben Franklin and Frankenstein.

Ooh, Halloween idea: Ben Franklinstein.

What-what are you all doing in here at-at the same time?

- LOUISE: Oh, hey, Dad. - Wait.

Is that the portable TV from home?

- Shh! -(grunting)

- You smuggled our TV here? - Maybe.

- How? - Inside the box of pillows and extra water.

Wait, so we don't have any pillows and extra water?

We have that one bottle of water and we have TV.

Kids, you shouldn't have done that, plus...

can you even get any reception?

We can't power it on because someone

brought six dead D batteries instead of alive ones.

We don't have to talk about who.

Wait, are we not in trouble?

I mean, your mom will be mad at you if she finds out.

And then I'll be mad at you, uh, also.

Because, technically, this is wrong.

Technically, the whole trip is wrong.

Huh. I think the camping lantern takes six D batteries.

- Forget I said that. -(whoops)

- BOTH: Yes! - I like the new guy.

No, no, no, no, no. We shouldn't, we really shouldn't.

But if we watch TV while Mom's asleep,

then it's not like we're doing anything wrong, right?

That's interesting.

But, still, I'm with your mom on this.

So we probably shouldn't.

- Sounded like a yes to me. - Loving the new guy.

No, no, no TV. Ooh, hey, Lin.

- How's it going over there? - Pretty good.

Uh, the sink was wet and the tape wouldn't stick.

So I had to improvise.

And we can't use the sink anymore, but that's okay.

Ah, camping lantern works.

Gonna put it right over here.

Conveniently located right by the closet.

- It's fine where it was. Mm. - Eh, just more useful over here.

So, should we do dominoes?

Or-or I think we might have cards?

Or-or play charades?

Or guess each other's birthdays?

Yeah, whatever ends this day the fastest.

Let's do dominoes.

We can figure out how to play.

These dots probably mean something, right?

- This one has 12. - Mom wins.

So I built a little house.

Does anyone have a better house than me?

Go fish?

Need television.

- I think I'm dying. - Me, too.

Everyone looks like a TV to me right now.

- What was that, kids? - Nothing!

- Mm. - Should we start making dinner?

Keep things moving here?

Or how about we get a fire going in this guy?

- That's cabin-y. - TINA: Oh, God, please, no!

BOB: Might be a little warm for a fire.

Right, right.

LINDA: Well, I don't even mind

that we can't go outside to use the grill.

I think this food's better if you don't cook it.

Yeah, and it'll be fun to bring the steak back home.

I think it'll taste great

after sitting in the cooler for a few days.

And the zucchini? Mmm, so raw.

It's emotionally raw. And ketchup's still ketchup.

Yeah, right? Pass me some of that.

It's your big day, ketchup. You're an entree now.

I'm gonna go...

check on the pillows.

- All right... - No. No.

- It's way too soon for pillows. - No, yeah.

And then one of you guys can go in there after me,

and, you know, you check on them, too.

No, no. No, no, no.

Why don't you check on the pillows later?

Closer to, or after bedtime, Louise?

Uh, or not at all?

No, it's okay. I'm just gonna bring this,

so I can see if the pillows are working.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm. - It's fine. So quick.

So quiet. See you in half an hour.

Mmm! Ketchup tastes even better

in the woods, right?

Those pillows are pretty good. They were making me laugh...

with the situations they got themselves into.

Well, now I should see what those pillows are getting up to.

It sounds delightful.

- Guys, stop. - What's so exciting about these pillows?

- Now I kind of want to see. - LOUISE: No!

- I don't think you'll like it that much. - TINA: It's an acquired taste.

Gene, kids, no more pillows right now.

You know what, I think we're all just tired.

We're snapping at each other.

Should we start setting up for night-night?

What? No, it's early.

I could go night-night.

Yeah, that ketchup is catching up to me. (yawns)

Okay. I guess it must be all the...

fresh air, right?

(snoring)

(gunfire on TV)

-(tires screech on TV) - I don't feel great about this.

I'm trying not to think about it.

TV's definitely helping.

Hey, Mom knew who you were when she married you.

You're a television enthusiast.

- I am. - What the...?!

- Lin! - Mom! - Oh, hey.

- Surprise! - Hi...

- Uh... - Happy birthday!

- That was a long hide-and-seek. - What is this?

Oh, look, there's a TV in here. Didn't even notice.

I can't believe I just caught you guys doing this.

-(grunts) - Do you think she bought that?

You snuck our TV into our TV-free,

family bonding weekend?

We're supposed to be talking and sharing

and having fun cabin experiences

that bring us closer together as a family!

I mean, watching TV together is sort of family bonding.

We were all feeling really close to each other in there.

And not just because we were all smushed in a small closet.

And you, Bob! Come on.

I'm sorry.

I tried to stop them,

but then I guess I missed TV, too.

I mean, let's face it, Lin.

This wasn't what you imagined when you booked this place.

(sighs) You're right. It has been a disaster.

The giardia, the Nippin' Nevins.

- No power. - No water.

The portal to hell that opens

every time someone flushes the toilet.

Yes, all those things.

I just wanted a chance for us to get away,

which we never do, and just enjoy each other.

Well, it's kind of hard when we're all

sitting around on sweaty butt cracks.

Yeah, fine, you win, I give up.

Watch TV if you want.

We'll leave first thing in the morning.

Yeah-- okay.

Lin, we don't have to.

No, shush. We'll leave.

I'm just gonna get some sleep. (groans)

These pillows are filled with mulch or something.

Where are the pillows we brought?

Oh. Right.

- KIDS: Sorry. - Humph.

♪ Sweaty buttcracks ♪

♪ Sweaty buttcracks ♪

♪ Sweaty buttcracks ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

LINDA: (scoffing) Please.

M-Morning, Linda.

(muttering)

So are we still gonna pack up and leave

this really fun place?

Yeah, yeah, I just want to do one outdoor thing first.

- But you said we could go. - I want to take a canoe out to the floating platform.

- The one in the lake? - Mm-hmm, yep.

Where all the giardia is and the bugs?

I'll be in a canoe. I'll be fine.

And I'm spraying down.

Okay. My left arm will be fine.

Sorry, I, uh, went a little wild spraying that stuff.

Now I see how it works for next time.

All right, I'm going. And if you don't want to come, don't.

I love you, Mother, but hell no.

Whatever. You can stay here and pack.

Lin, are-are you sure you want to do this?

- Yes. I'll be fine. Aah! -(insects buzzing)

-(Linda shouting) - Have fun. (grunting)

Shoo, flies, shoo!

Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa-whoa!

Whoa-whoa-whoa! Easy, girl. Easy, canoe.

Ha! You see?

This is wonderful.

"Closed for vacation, back tomorrow"?

Bob and Linda didn't tell me they were taking a trip.

Wow, okay, so we're not telling each other things anymore?

Fine, we'll see how you like it

when I don't tell you about the cloud I saw

that looked like my truck. (growls)

I thought we were friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what else? I don't want

the key to your apartment anymore.

Yeah, I don't want the key to your apartment!

Since we're not close enough for you to tell me

that you're going on a vacation!

(crying)

"Teddy, we know how you don't like

"when we leave, so we texted you,

but we didn't hear back." Text?

I didn't get a-- Oh, look at that.

"We took a last-minute trip. But we made you

"a burger and we put it in the fridge in our apartment.

"Use the key we gave you that one time

that you never gave back to let yourself in."

Oh, my God, the key! No!

The key! No! No!

Hello, hi, how are you?

Long weekend, huh? (growls)

Okay, there's a little bit of water coming in here.

Little giardia, too. I'm sure it's fine.

I'm almost there. Bugs are clearing up.

I guess the wind is blowing 'em off the water.

Can't believe Bob and the kids are missing out

on this stinky lake.

(sighs) Hello, platform.

I made it.

This is nice.

Floating here.

This is all I wanted for us.

I told you, you dumb family.

Oh, so tired.

Did not get a lot of sleep.

Maybe I'll just...

close my eyes for a second.

-(snoring) -(buzzing)

-(snoring) -(buzzing)

- How does it look out there? - A lot of Nevins.

Just got to wait for an opening and I'll run

these bags to the car. Okay, I'm going.

(gasping)

Nope, nope, not an opening.

So maybe a little...

"hmm-hmm" while we wait for Mom?

Uh, yeah, I-I-I guess.

But pretend I'm still a good parent.

- We always pretend that. - I wonder how Mom is.

Hope she's enjoying the platform by herself.

And I hope the platform is enjoying her.

It's lucky to have her.

Guys, let's all just watch TV

and not think about how we've let Mom down

and how we're a huge disappointment as a family.

She just wanted to do something special together,

and we barely even tried.

You know what? I-I'm gonna go out there.

Through a swarm of angry, biting bugs,

and join her on the giardia platform.

Because I guess that's what I should do,

and I-I, you know, I want to do.

Sort of. Oh, right. It's empty.

I'm coming, too. Pass the can.

(imitates can spraying)

What? The bugs don't know if we're out.

Aw, what the hell? I'm in.

And I'm gonna say the whole thing was my idea.

(snoring)

(muttering)

(high-pitched voice): How about this heat? Whew!

What-what? (stammers) Who's that?

Me! The Nippin' Nevin.

I'm right over here. I'm waving.

- Oh, oh, yeah. - You're not looking at me.

Here, look, I'm doing the MC Hammer dance.

- Do you see me now? - Oh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what's going on? Are you gonna bite me?

Ah, I'm good.

I'll probably let my kids do it.

- Oh, you have kids? - Yep.

- That's nice. - Sometimes.

Well, don't take this the wrong way,

but your family kind of ruined my family's little trip.

Um, we live here.

- So... - Oh, right.

It's just, my family never gets to go away on trips.

We just stay in our apartment and work in the restaurant

all day and this other mom was talking about

how great her trip was and how close her family is and...

Oh, are you guys not close?

No, no, we're close. We're super close.

Listen, can I tell you something?

- Sure, bug mom. - Just because your family ecosystem

isn't like some other family's ecosystem

doesn't mean it's not healthy.

Huh, yeah, maybe you're right.

Also, you need to wake up now.

- I do? - You do. The wind changed.

And we're hungry.

And your skin is our food, so...

Oh, but we're friends now.

Mm, you better wake up.

Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Get it off! Ow!

Oh, I got to get back! Ow! Ow!

(gagging)

Windpipe! Uh, where's the stupid canoe?

Oh, it sunk. Uh...

I'll just pull this... (grunting)

No, no, no, no! Oh, boy.

Looks like I'm swimming back to shore.

Okay, I've gotten diarrhea doing dumber stuff than this.

Giardia water, here I come. One, two...

- BOB: Linda! - TINA: Mom!

- GENE: Stop! - LOUISE: Don't jump!

Oh, you came! (grunting)

We're sorry we didn't come with you.

No, I'm sorry I dragged us out here in the first place.

- Where's your canoe? - It sank.

- TINA: Of course it did. - And I had a dream and a bug taught me

not to listen to what's her name at the grocery store

and we're doing great and our ecosystem's doing great and...

Sorry, Mom, uh, love the dream, but can we go now, please?

- Yep, yep, yep. Aah! - TINA: Easy.

(all clamoring, screaming)

Let's get out of this hellhole.

Go! Go, go, go! Is the car packed?

Car's packed! Keys! Keys, keys!

Hurry! Before they figure out how to cut our brakes!

GENE: Bye-bye, bugs!

Oh, no! We forgot to sign the guest book.

Is it rude to not sign the guest book?

Oh, well, uh, we'll leave a comment on the website.

Like a middle finger emoji?

No, something like, "Smelled like a poop tornado.

"The entire lake is a health hazard.

But the group I was with made it all worthwhile."

- Aw. - Uh, I think we forgot the TV.

- We're going back! - KIDS: Yep!

GENE: We're coming for you, sweet baby!

♪ I'm itchin' to get down to the lake ♪

♪ Tell life that it can bite me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm takin' a break ♪

♪ I'm itchin' to get down to the lake ♪

♪ Get away from it all, this is not a mistake ♪

♪ Jumpin' in the water and I'm feelin' so free ♪

♪ Then it starts moving something inside of me ♪

♪ It makes me want to scream, it makes me want to shout ♪

♪ It makes me want to go ahead and let it all out ♪

♪ I'm itchin' to get down to the lake ♪

♪ Tell life that it can bite me 'cause I'm taking a break ♪

♪ I'm itchin' to get down to the lake. ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.