Original subtitles

I, Edwin Dennis, being of sound mind and body,

do hereby bequeath to my only son, Patrick,

all my worldly possessions.

In the event of my demise,

I direct my faithful servant, Norah Muldoon,

to deliver Patrick to my sister and next of kin,

Mame Dennis, at 3 Beekman Place, New York City.

The expenses of his upbringing shall be supervised

by Mr. Dwight Babcock,

acting for the Knickerbocker bank as trustee,

with the full power to keep that crazy sister of mine

from doing anything too damned eccentric

and bringing him up to be anything like her.

Since I keep myself in splendid physical condition

through workouts daily at the Chicago brokers club,

I am confident that these provisions

will not go into force or effect for many years.

I hereby affix my hand this 14th day of September,

in the year 1928.

You've been reading this for a week, Norah.

Why did you bring it to New York?

It's the only way I can make meself believe it.

Besides, I thought your Auntie Mame

would like it as a remembrance

of your poor sainted father.

Don't you be going by way

of the north pole, driver!

We're not greenhorns, you know.

That's 95 cents.

Here's a dollar. Keep the change.

Like the ladies' rest room

in the oriental theater.

Oh, child!

You're not scared, are you, Norah?

Of course not.

And don't you be, child.

Norah's here to look after you.

Saints alive!

You want?

Is this...Could this be

the residence of Miss Mame Dennis?

Mame Dennis? Oh, yes.

I'm Norah Muldoon,

and I'm bringing young Mr. Dennis to his aunt.

Oh, you come in. You wait. I fetch.

Madam having affair now.

Oh!

Isn't he wonderful?

Help is on the way, darlings!

Henri! Ca va?

Mame! Mame!

That adorable little bootlegger

is on his way over here with another gallon of gin.

Oh, Allen, darling, I'm so glad--

Edna, I called you yesterday.

Hello, Mame.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Vladimir! What on earth are you doing here?

Drinking myself to death, of course.

Besides, I am your guest of honor.

Of course. It couldn't happen to a nicer fellow.

You must hear his new symphony, The Pastoral.

It has real airplane motors and live sheep on the stage.

It's devastating, simply devastating.

You've met our guest of honor, Vladimir Klinkoff, Mrs. uh...

Mrs. Klinkoff.

Yes, of course. Then you've met.

Oh, Perry! Doris!

Now, where are you off to?

Everyone's going to Clifton's.

It's nearly 7:00.

I'll be there in a minute! Tell them to wait for me.

Oh, dear. The employment bureau

didn't tell me you were bringing a child.

No matter. He looks like a nice little boy.

If he misbehaves, we can always toss him in the river.

I'll give you my life savings, mum,

if you let us escape

from this den of criminals.

Dr. Feuchtwanger, just in time.

You better get this woman on your couch.

I'm not that kind of woman, mum.

I'm looking for a Miss Mame Dennis.

Ito, Ito!

Yes, missy?

Oh, Ito, show this woman to the kitchen

and get her started on the glasses.

Oh, Missy Dennis, this not dishwashing lady.

Oh, then I must have invited you.

Won't you have a drink?

I'm Norah Muldoon.

Didn't you get my telegram from Chicago

saying we'd arrive at 6:00 today?

No, that's not possible. Your telegram said October 1st.

That's tomorrow. This is September 31st.

No. 'Tis the 1st. Curse the evil day.

Everybody knows 30 days hath September,

April, June, and--"

oh!

But, darling!

I'm your Auntie Mame!

Oh, quiet! Quiet, everybody!

I have an important announcement to make!

This is my little boy!

Oh, no, no, he's not really my little boy.

He's my late brother's son from Chicago,

my only living relative.

That's all we have, just each other.

My little love!

Well, what's--what am I going to call you, dear?

Pat. Patrick Dennis.

Oh, I know the Dennis part, darling.

From now on, you must call me Auntie Mame!

Well, well, well, well, now, would you like a mar--

no. Is it your bedtime, dear? No, it can't be.

No, the powder room.

You'd like to use the powder room.

No, no, food! That's it! You must be famished.

You come right along with me.

Oh, take your shoes off, darling.

It's like removing your hat in America.

Before the sukiyaki, a little hors d'oeuvre.

Could I try some of that jam?

Jam?

That BlackBerry jam.

Of course, darling.

Actually, it's sort of a fishberry jam.

It's called caviar.

Some pickled octopus,

raw fish tails...

It's salty, kinda, but I like it.

Good, darling. You have wonderful taste.

Ha ha ha ha!

Vera! Oh.

Vera, this is my little boy.

Patrick, I want you to meet a star,

one of the great ladies of the theater

and Auntie Mame's dearest friend,

Vera Charles.

Hello.

How do you do?

She just loves little boys.

Yeah.

Oh.

Who's he?

That's a Lithuanian bishop, darling.

Doesn't speak a word of English.

Stimulating man! Oh, your grace.

He's such a darling

and so worldly for a man of god.

And so everything in the universe

is composed of the elements of Aristotle.

Thus, man himself is fire,

dust, and air mingled with water.

Acacius, darling,

this is my little nephew, Patrick.

This is Mr. page, dear.

Gnothi Seauton.

That means "know thyself."

Mr. page is a great educator.

He runs a school down in the village

where they do all sorts of advanced things.

Do you think you might find room for Patrick?

- For him, yes! - Ah!

In this boy, I see already the fire, dust, and air.

Well, we'll just add water and stir.

Do you think you might want to go there, darling?

Do they wear uniforms in your school?

In my school, young man, we wear nothing.

It's heaven! It'll stimulate his psyche

and stir up his libido.

What's libido, Auntie Mame?

Libido is--I'll tell you what we're going to do.

Every time you hear a word you don't understand, dear,

take this pad and pencil and write it down.

Later on, Auntie Mame will explain it to you.

I'm off, Mame!

Lindsay! Lindsay, this is Patrick.

Patrick, I want you to meet Lindsay Woolsey,

the publisher-- nautilus books.

Hello.

Hello, young man.

Circulate, darling, circulate.

Well, Mame, new man in your life?

Little Patrick.

Guess I won't be seeing much of you.

Ah, nonsense, Lindsay. We'll be going to

the zoo, the aquarium, the philharmonic.

We'll be together constantly--

the three of us!

That's exactly what I had in mind.

Good night, Mame.

Good night. Watch it, Phyllis.

Boy, it's been some party!

Good night. It was so good of you to come.

You played beautifully. I can't thank you enough. Ah...

Dasvidaniya.

Good-bye, Mrs. uh...

Of course, of course.

There you are, my little love.

Well, you come over here with your Auntie Mame

and sit down for one minute,

and we'll really get to know each other.

Well, now, read me all the words you don't understand.

"Libido,

"inferiority complex,

"Stinko, Blotto, free love,

"bathtub gin,

"monkey glands,

Karl Marx--"

is he one of the Marx brothers?

Oh, oh, no, dear.

She last pretty good tonight, missy.

Marie Antoinette room again?

Yes. Perhaps she'll wake up without a head tomorrow.

Oh, and Ito, get that dog of a dress off her.

Me tuck her in. Hee hee hee!

Is the English lady sick, Auntie Mame?

She's not English, darling. She's from Pittsburgh.

She sounded English.

When you're from Pittsburgh, you have to do something.

Now, where were we?

"Narcissisistic,

Lysistrata,

"Cubism, squiffed, neurotic,

heterosexual--"

oh, my, my, my! What an eager little mind!

You won't need some of these words for months and months,

but your vocabulary does needs working on.

Didn't your father ever talk to you?

Hardly ever.

I only saw him at breakfast time.

What did he say then?

He usually said, "pipe down, kid.

The old man's hung."

That's succinct.

What did you do in Chicago for fun?

Well, Norah took me to the movies

every Saturday afternoon.

I played Parcheesi with the doorman

once in a while until he got fired.

Didn't they do anything cultural for you in chic--

well, never mind.

Your Auntie Mame's going to open doors for you, Patrick,

doors you never even dreamed existed!

Oh, what times we're going to have.

What on earth did I do with that will?

Now, it's here someplace.

Ah! Here we are!

Well, now, "get mahjong lesson, hair done, fitting."

That can't be it. Yes, it is it.

Oh, dear. This is

a legal-looking document.

There's a lot of folderol here about

the Knickerbocker bank and some Mr. Babcock

who's been appointed your trustee.

Oh, I see what that means.

I have the responsibility,

and your trustee has the authority.

Norah took me to a movie once about a trustee.

There was a big prison break,

and the trustee saved the warden's little daughter.

This isn't the kind of trustee

that lives in prison, dear...

As a rule.

Mr. Babcock. We'll tackle him in our own good time.

Now, Patrick, is Auntie Mame anything like you expected?

No, ma'am. The only picture I saw of you

was with a shawl

and a Rose in your teeth... Like a Spanish lady.

It's in my suitcase that's coming.

Didn't your father tell you

anything about me before he died?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, and what was it?

Oh, come now, my little love.

You must always be perfectly frank

with your Auntie Mame. Now...

Well, my father said

since you're my only living relative,

I might be living with you someday

and...

Well?

But that to be left in your hands

was a fate he wouldn't wish on a dog.

That...

What's that, Auntie Mame?

That is a "B," darling,

the first letter of a 7-letter word

that means your late father.

Come, child. I'll show you your room.

It's a cozy little nook, darling,

and my loom is by the window.

Do you like to weave, dear?

You can sit at it by the hour.

I had instruction

from a descendant of Pocahontas.

I began with an enormous rug.

It's that bell pull by the fireplace.

Your own little den. Oh!

How stupid of me.

I gave up weaving for sculpture.

That is, a sculptor friend of Auntie Mame's

used this room for about 6 months.

A divine man! Such talented fingers!

Oh! What they did to my bust.

That's the head, you know.

I guess it's not quite ready yet.

I know--the Marie Antoinette room. No, no, Vera's there.

Camp out with me for tonight, dear.

Oh, shall we try this out for size?

There.

Ah! Perfect!

Well, shall we--

I'll do it.

Oh, sheets. Where were the sheets?

What time will you be home from that party?

What makes you think I'm going to any party?

Just as I was gettin' used to all them dragons.

What is it?

Don't ask me. I didn't paint it.

I just hung it up. Can I get in her bedroom now?

At 2:00? You'll be lucky to get in there by 5:00.

She's still sleepin'.

Well, I'll get started in the other bedroom.

Can't go in there either.

Why not? She ain't sleepin' in 2 bedrooms, is she?

Oh, no. It's the first lady of the American theater

out cold in the guest room.

Again? What does she do, live here?

Miss Charles don't live here.

She drinks here and does her passin' out here.

It's a wonder the blood hasn't turned to vinegar.

2 weeks, I've been here,

and they've had 13 cocktail parties.

Only 13 in 2 weeks?

They had to call one off.

The bootlegger couldn't come that day.

Auntie Mame! Auntie Mame!

Auntie Mame!

Hmm? Wha--what is it?

What happened?

I've got something to show you.

Look!

Ah! Bats!

Oh.

I built it myself.

See? It's got a rubber band motor,

and I whittled the body out of balsa wood.

Please, darling.

Your Auntie Mame is hung.

Oh.

Oh, sure, Auntie Mame.

Sure.

Oh, Patrick, Patrick, come back.

You know I really am interested

in all your projects.

Child, how can you see with all that light?

Ah! That's better. Now be an angel and run to Ito

and tell him to bring me a very light breakfast--

black coffee and a sidecar...

Oh, and a cold towel for your Auntie Vera.

Is she in the guest room again?

Since Sunday, dear. Run along, darling.

Oh! First come and give your Auntie Mame a good morning kiss.

Ooh, gently, darling, gently.

Mmm! That was lovely!

Oh, you know I really am fascinated by aviation.

I never knew before

they did it all with rubber bands.

Oh!

Uhh!

Hello?

Miss Dennis? Yes, she's here.

Who's calling, please?

Hold the wire.

It's Mr. Babcock from the Knickerbocker bank.

Oh, I've been dodging him for days.

Well, hello, Mr. Babcock.

How nice to hear your voice at last.

I, too, am looking forward

with anticipation to meeting you.

Oh, the little lad is fine, just fine.

He, too, cannot wait to meet you.

Hurry my tray, darling. Auntie needs fuel.

Oh, do drop over anytime, Mr. Babcock.

In how many minutes?!

Well, yes, 57th street

is right in my neck of the woods.

Spitting distance?

How vivid.

Yes, well, come right along then.

You can join me for breakf--tea.

Number 3 Beekman Place, right away. Vera!

Vera!

Vera.

Vera, Vera.

I am about to be attacked

by the Knickerbocker bank.

Oh, that's lovely!

Vera!

Oh! Why did that oriental sandman

let me sleep in my best Chanel?

He tried to get it off you,

but you bit him. Patrick's trustee,

some hideous man from the Knickerbocker bank,

is about to descend upon me like a vulture

and Rob me of my child!

He's coming here... In the middle of the night?

Oh! That moon's bright!

Vera, will you stop being silly?

Don't you realize

I have got to make the right impression.

You have no idea how conservative

the Knickerbocker bank is.

They're so conservative,

they don't pay any interest at all!

All right! Let's get organized. What time is it...

And what day is it?

Oh! Blessed mother of Maud Adams!

I was due at the theatre guild an hour ago!

You cannot desert me in my predicament.

Look at my face. What on earth am I going to wear?

How can I face the theatre guild?

Will this make me look like a Scarsdale matron?

Have you ever been to Scarsdale?

Good afternoon, aunt Vera.

- Yes, dear. - No, dear.

Do the Lillian Gish routine--you know,

simple dress, Madonna-like hairdo.

Madonna-like hairdo! Oh, that's it!

That's it! A switch! A switch!

You've got one?

Dozens!

Mame, don't you ever throw anything away?

Who knows when I may go back to one of these colors?

If you kept your hair natural the way I do--

if I kept my hair natural the way you do, I'd be bald.

Try this. You need a dress

like the one I wore as--

hey! That's stunning!

Oh, isn't it? That's my new Maggie Ruth.

I haven't had it on yet.

I'll be damned if I'll put $500 on my back

for that awful man! A suit--that'll do it.

Hold this, so I can braid it so it likes a halo.

I've got to get over to the guild!

He can't see you looking the way you do.

He'll think I run a house for wanton women!

Relax. If it makes you feel any better,

I'll wear your mink.

Over my dead body.

This Maggie Ruth is heaven!

You know, green suits me.

I think I'll phone up Maggie.

Oh, Vera, come put this on my head.

Hurry! It doesn't matter how it looks.

But I've got to get out of here!

Don't you dare leave me. You go back to bed.

You couldn't care less about my career--

Not already! Norah! Ito, answer the door!

I've got to get out before he gets in!

I can't leave you standing down there

like a Fuller brush man in the doorway!

Why can't you be my friend?

Well, I've been a friend of yours--

darling, go downstairs.

Make Mr. Babcock feel at home,

like Auntie Mame taught you.

What about the theatre guild?

Vera, get out of my way.

What am I gonna do with this damn stinking halo?

You want?

I'm Mr. Babcock.

Miss Dennis is expecting me.

Oh, you come in.

Thank you.

I take coat?

Thank you. Thank you.

You sit.

Thank you.

Mr. Babcock?

That's right, Sonny.

We've been expecting you.

My name is Patrick Dennis.

Fine, fine.

Please sit down, Mr. Babcock.

Fine, fine.

Hey.

Oh.

Hee hee hee!

Auntie Mame will be right down.

She's having a little trouble with her halo.

She'll be right down.

Heh heh heh.

Well, you look like a bully little chap.

Yes, sir. A bully little chap.

You look very bully, too, Mr. Babcock.

Yes.

Would you care for a Martini, Mr. Babcock?

Well, uh--

dry or extra dry?

Uh, wha--

sit down, please, Mr. Babcock.

I'll make them like I do for Mr. Woolcott.

Stir, never shake.

Bruises the gin.

Would you care for an olive?

Auntie Mame says olives take up too much room

in such a little glass.

Ah!

Why, Mr. Babcock.

What an honor it is

to have you in our little home.

Though I wonder if it does make

the best first impression

on a sensitive young mind

to see you drinking during business hours.

But--but he--

don't you worry.

I won't breathe a word

to the Knickerbocker bank.

Just one minute! Where did this boy learn to mix--

Mr. Babcock, knowledge is power.

That, Miss Dennis, is exactly what I'm here for,

to discuss this youngster's education,

his proper education!

Nuts.

No, thank you.

Won't you sit down, Mr. Babcock?

This little fellow

won't have to worry about his future.

All of his money is in good, steady bonds.

But I'm sure you'll agree it's high time...

- Jelly beans? - Thank you.

That he's enrolled in an institution of learning.

I'm already enrolled--

let Mr. Babcock talk, dear.

I've gone to some pains to gather information

on a number of

the better boys' schools in town.

Personally, I prefer coeducational schools.

What do you mean?

Coeducational means

boys and girls go to school together.

I know! I know!

First on my list is the Bixby school,

which is known to be splendid.

Have you considered a school in the village

run by Acacius Page?

It follows ancient Greek principles,

and yet it's wonderfully progressive.

Your late brother's will was most specific!

"Conservative schooling," he said.

Of course, there's always my Alma mater,

St. Boniface, in Massachusetts.

Oh, no, no. Too far away.

You'd better settle on the Browning school.

It is known to be eminently conservative,

and this gives the boys basic--

oh, oh...That's enough candy, dear.

Oh, sorry.

Not you, Mr. Babcock.

You can have all you want.

Ah!

Now, have you thought of the Dillman school?

That's right here--

no, no. That's a little too experimental.

We want to keep the riffraff out of the boy's life.

The school we choose must be exclusive and restricted.

Exclusively what and restricted to whom?

We must spare the boy certain influences

from the wrong side of the tracks,

shall we say?

Mr. Babbitt--

Babcock.

Oh, yes...

It was very good of you to come.

What school is it going to be?

You name the school of your choice.

Patrick and I will know what to do.

I'd say Bixby.

Uh, then, bully for Bixby.

I'll make out a check to the Bixby school.

You'll take the boy down and register him.

Whatever you say.

I say I'm very happy to have met you.

After the reports I'd heard,

I was prejudiced, and not in your favor.

Tch, tch, tch.

I find you a woman with a very powerful charm.

And you're a man with a very powerful bank.

Ha ha ha!

Floor all scrubbed, Fraulein Dennis.

Clean just like old country.

I go now, I get lamb chops, bottle milk for boy.

Pick up my coat!

Bye, Auntie Vera!

Bye, kid!

Don't drop anything, Lindsay.

Oh, what a marvelous October day,

October's bright blue weather.

All we've seen is the inside of department stores.

Haven't even had a chance to call my office.

Oh, stop complaining, Lindsay!

Mame, when will we have some time to ourselves?

Time...oh, Lindsay, don't you realize

I've had to make up for--oh, thank you--

Patrick's 10 neglected years in a few months.

Dr. Spock says it's impossible.

Does Dr. Spock also happen to mention

the child needs a father?

Tch, tch, tch.

A lot of women think I'm reasonably attractive.

Don't start that again.

Besides, how can I be a wife?

I'm too busy being a mother.

Oh! Oh--

oh--one moment, uh--

thank you. Thank you.

Oh, my hat!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I do hope that Patrick likes

the chemistry set, the books, the atlas,

the Kipling.

Mame, I don't like your latest fad.

Fad--Patrick?

Yes. I've seen you through yogi,

soap sculpture, modern dance,

and nature foods.

I've seen you take each one up

as if nothing else existed,

then I've seen you drop them all.

You think Patrick

is just a temporary enthusiasm?

It's called molding a new little life.

Don't be ridiculous!

You've been in a mood all day long.

There you are, you deceitful, irresponsible bohemian!

Mr. Babcock, whatever do you mean?

You're no more fit to raise a child than Jezebel!

My little love! Something's happened to him!

Come here, you little heathen!

Patrick, Patrick, what's wrong?

He came over to my school--

I'll tell you what's wrong!

I dropped by the Bixby school.

I find he isn't even registered there.

He never has been!

So I have been hunting through

every low, crackpot school in this town.

I finally found him in the lowest of them all!

Mr. page is a progressive educator.

There they were, a schoolroom full of them--

boys, girls, teachers--

romping around stark naked,

bare as the day they were born!

I assure you the children under Mr. page's care

were engaged in healthful, broadening pursuits.

Broadening! You show them

what you were doing when I broke into that place!

We were playing fish family,

a part of constructive play.

Listen to this!

Show me, darling.

We do it after yogurt time.

Mrs. page and all the girls

crouch on the floor under the sun lamps.

They pretend to be lady fishes,

depositing their eggs in the sand.

Then Mr. page and all the boys

do what gentlemen fish do.

What could be more wholesome or natural?

Natural?

Well, it might be natural for a sardine!

Can you imagine how I felt--

Mr. Babcock, I consider your behavior most undignified.

Undignified? At least I'm wearing a vest.

Making a scene,

causing what might well be

a traumatic experience for this child.

I know how you can twist things around.

So I'm getting out of this

combination nudist camp/opium den

before you make me look like

the vice president in charge of free love!

Mr. Babcock, not in front of the b-o-y!

Tomorrow morning, I, me, personally

am taking this kid off to boarding school.

I am placing him in St. Boniface academy

where he will stay!

You'll only get your depraved hands on him

Christmas and summer!

And I wish to heaven there was some way

I could stop you from doing that!

Auntie Mame, do I have to?

Please, Mr. Babcock I'll do whatever you say,

so long as the boy can stay with me.

He goes, and he goes tomorrow!

Let's be reasonable--

I'm going to turn this kid into

a decent god-fearing Christian

if I have to break

every bone in his body!

If you'll give me another chance--

I wouldn't give you the time of day

after the dirty double- cross you pulled on me!

You can't take him! He's all I have!

You have him ready

at 8:00 sharp tomorrow morning!

And, kid, you'd better be wearing knickers!

But I want to stay with you, Auntie Mame!

I don't want to go to that old St. bony-face!

Oh, now hush.

Hush, my little love.

Well, I, uh...

I'm sure St. Boniface is really very nice.

You go upstairs now, dear, and...

Get ready for dinner and...

We'll talk about it later.

Lindsay...

Lindsay, what am I going to do?

Mame, I'm sorry.

Well, I, uh...

I just don't think I can bear it.

I just don't.

Mame, I...

I've never seen you cry before.

Mame!

Mame! Hey, Mame, are you home?

Is that you, Vera?

What on earth does she want?

Have you talked to your stockbroker?

Yes, I can see you have.

What about him?

Don't you know?

He's called me half a dozen times

trying to locate you.

What happened?

Oh, nothing, except nothing's worth anything anymore.

Hello.

Don't you worry, Mame.

It can't possibly affect people like you and me

who have a lot of solid stuff like

bank of the United States.

Missy Dennis, stockbroker want to say hello

before he jump out of window.

How bad is it, Arthur? Not bank of the United States?

Atwater Kent, too?

Mame...Mame, I'm afraid you're wiped out.

We all are.

Everyone said I was such a fool,

spending all my money at Tiffany's.

Who gives a darn about money? I've lost my child.

What?

Patrick's trustee's sending him away to school.

Oh, Mame, darling,

I know how you must feel.

Do you?

Of course I do!

I never had a child,

but after all I am an actress.

I can imagine.

Vera, there must be something I can do!

I've got it-- the perfect solution!

It'll solve everything! You're going to work.

Work? What at?

You'll return to the stage

in my play, Midsummer Madness!

There are dozens of parts to go around!

We open Thanksgiving in new haven.

I'll call up Max first thing.

Do you think I could?

Of course, you could. Couldn't she, Lindsay?

Let's face it--you'll have to work at something.

Now, the only chance of getting Patrick back

is to show this Babcock you've settled down

into something steady like acting.

Or to earn the money to fight him with!

Oh, Vera, Vera, you're so right!

$500 a week to start, wouldn't you say?

It'll only be a bit at the end of the last act.

Then there'll be a raise! Oh, I accept!

Your heart is from Tiffany's, too.

It'll be like old times,

when we were trouping together in Chu-Chin-Girl.

I can't wait to hear that overture!

Mame, this is a serious drama.

I was in the front row of the chorus.

Vera was behind me.

Behind you? If I'd been behind you,

I'd have kicked you in--

Vera! I know exactly what I did.

I used to go...

## I'm a Chu-Chu-girl from Chu-Chin-Chow ##

## And how, and how ##

## I'd love to chin and chew with you ##

## And turn the skies to blue with you ##

## And turn the skies to blue with you ##

That's it!

## And 23 Skidoo with you ##

## Chi-chi, chu-chu, chow-chow ##

## And how, and how ##

## And how! ####

Aah!

An appalling situation.

Frightful, my dear.

Where's Miss Dennis?

It's nearly time for her entrance.

Keep your shirt on. She's still making up.

Lady Iris--a lousy, 2-line bit.

She's had 2 1/2 acts to make up.

You get her up here quick.

And make sure she knows her entrance

is from the other side.

In all fairness to the boy,

I believe she's been leading him on.

After all, she is a Princess,

he, a commoner.

Oh, dear. Everybody into the solarium.

I think I hear them coming now.

But, Reginald, to do such a thing,

to dash away together like this

would be mad...

Quite devastatingly mad.

Quite devastatingly mad!

When?

Ah ha ha ha!

Lord Dudley, your flattery would turn a young girl's head!

Come, now. Hurry to the ball.

If we tarry, we shall be late.

Ha ha ha!

No, Reginald. It would be madness.

I belong to one world, you to another.

It's better we part now,

now while we Cherish this ecstasy we've known.

What the hell have you got back there? Reindeer?

This is good-bye, Reginald.

I hear the others coming.

Ah ha ha ha!

Oh, lord Dudley, oh, no more champagne

or I shall forget myself altogether.

Ha ha ha!

I have--

you're the funniest man--

I have something to tell you!

I have been unexpectedly called back home.

Prince Alex needs me,

and my place is by his side.

It has all been

so lovely this whole summer,

but after all,

it has only been midsummer madness.

Lady Iris, would you be good enough

to ring for my wrap?

Certainly, Princess.

And get rid of those damn cowbells!

May I help you, Princess?

Thank you, lady... Iris.

Good-bye, good-bye.

I shall always feel

a strong attachment to you all.

Let go!

I can't. I'm stuck.

Let go!

Vera, I'm stuck!

It's my bracelet. It's caught!

Bring down the curtain!

Hold still a minute! Vera!

Places!

I was trying to--

ruining my beautiful play with your lousy bell-ringing!

These are the only bracelets I have

in the world.

That's all I've got--

Enough! That's enough!

Psst! Psst!

Ooh!

Aah!

OK, strike the set!

You did this deliberately! Why?

I wanted to make something

out of lady Iris.

You scene-stealing society biddy!

You've destroyed me!

There were critics out there.

We're ruined! We're all ruined!

Never let me catch a sight

of your evil face again,

you...you assassin!

But, Vera! Vera--you see--you don't--

I felt if I should just make something out--

well, there weren't many lines,

and I felt that--

Miss Charles asked...

I thought you were very good, Auntie Mame.

Ohh!

Everybody noticed you.

Oh, my little love.

How did you get up to new haven?

Ito brought me up.

How could Ito drive you up

when I've already sold the car?

He didn't drive. We hitchhiked.

Mr. Babcock thinks

you're in that horrible school.

It's all right, Auntie Mame. It's Thanksgiving vacation.

Is it?

Can I be your escort?

Can I take you back to your hotel?

You can take me

all the way back to New York.

Patrick...

Oh, Patrick...

Are you ashamed of your Auntie Mame?

I'm proud of you!

Nobody liked the stinky old play at all

until you came in.

Lady Iris.

Charmed...

Lord Dudley.

Widdicombe, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bibberman and Black.

You want to talk to Mr. Gutterman.

One moment, sir. I'll connect you.

Widdicombe, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bibberman and Black.

Oh, oh, ha. Yes, Mr. Bibberman.

You'd like to talk to Mr. Applewhite.

Yes, sir, he's in. I'll connect you.

Oh, uh--uh--

Widdicombe, Gutterman, Applewhite,

Bib-Bib-berman and Black.

Yes, long distance. How are you?

Y-uh-hold-- uh, Mr. Widdicombe,

I have your San Francisco call for you.

Yes, Mr. Bibberman?

Oh...did I connect you

with Mr. Gutterman instead of Mr. Applewhite?

I'm sorry, Mr. Bibbicombe. Uh--Bib-Bib-Bib-Bib...

Oh, Mr. Applewhite, what are you doing in that hole

with Mr. Gutterman?

Yes, Mr. Widdicombe?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'll try to reconnect you again

with San Francisco.

Let me see... Mr. bib-bib-bib is in there...

Talking to Mr. Bubberwhite... Where is Mr. Applewhite?

Oh, there you are, Mr. Applewhite!

Mr. Widdicombe, there's no such place as San Francisco.

Please, I--

Mr. bib-bib-bib... Mr. Widdicombe...

## O come, all ye faithful ##

## Joyful and triumphant ##

## O come ye, o come ye ##

## To Bethlehem... ####

Roller-skate lady!

Where is the roller-skate lady?

That stupid sales clerk sent me 2 left skates.

Does Macy think my son has 2 left feet?

Is that what you think?

If you'll just be patient. Roller-skate lady!

Where is the roller-skate lady?

I don't know how I got over in Tinkertoys.

All I want is a pair of those skates.

One moment. Mr. Loomis, will you help me

with my sales slip, please?

Let me send these things C.O.D.,

then you wouldn't have to pay any money.

Well, I would, eventually.

Of course, but why worry about it now?

Apres moi, le deluge, eh?

Here's your slip. It's so simple.

No bulky bundles to carry

or lose en route, as it were.

I just love C.O.D.!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Oh, ma'am?

Just one moment, please. Yes.

Yes!

I wonder if could you assist me

in ordering 24 pair

of those fine-looking roller skates?

24 pair!

My, what a proud father you must be!

Oh, no, I'm a single gentleman, ma'am,

but there's a lot of little tykes

at Oglethorpe Orphanage just outside of Savannah

that'll be happy to see that package arrive.

That is a nice thing to do.

I must say, it's the true Christmas--

how much does that come to, little lady?

You want to pay? Cash?

Oglethorpe orphanage,

RFD 2, Savannah, Georgia.

Wouldn't you prefer if I sent these skates C.O.D.?

Well, I don't believe that the little nippers

would think much of their Santy Claus

if he filled their stocking

with bills for collection on delivery.

You see, I haven't worked here very long.

The only kind of sales slip I know how to make out

is C.O.D.

I might be able to be of some assistance.

I've got more than a passing

familiarity here with financial matters.

First thing, you've got to get

all your duplicates and triplicates straight,

elsewise Mr. Macy wouldn't have any way

of knowing what you sold.

Oh, that's why they have

all that tissue paper.

There we are.

There's a nice new order blank, now.

First the name--

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside.

That's a lot. You took up all that space!

They never make them big enough!

Miss Dennis, may I enquire exactly what is going on?

The nice gentleman was helping me. I called you.

This young lady--

Miss Dennis, is that your name--

she was having trouble with

the sales slip

for 24 pairs of roller skates.

Was there something unusual about the order?

Yes. He wanted to pay cash.

Am I to understand that a Macy employee

doesn't know how to make a cash sale?

I'm a whiz at C.O.D.s. You can tell by the book.

Miss Dennis, this sales book is a shambles!

Good-bye, everybody, and merry Christmas.

You're... you are...

Listen here, that young lady

was doing the very best she knew how.

I consider myself entirely responsible for this!

The whole thing's an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Don't forget the skates for the little nippers.

Get 'em at Gimbels!

## It came upon a midnight clear ##

## That glorious song of old ##

## From angels bending near the earth ##

## To touch their harps of gold ##

## "Peace on the earth, good will to men" ##

## "From heaven's all gracious king" ##

## The world in solemn stillness lay ##

## To hear the angels sing ####

Gee, I'm not finished decorating yet.

You're home early.

Well...they gave me my Christmas vacation

a little bit early.

But I'm glad, really,

'cause now it fits with your vacation.

We won't have to miss even a day together.

Oh, Patrick. That's beautiful.

A genuine Picasso, hmm?

His black-and-blue period.

It's almost a week till Christmas...

But open it.

Oh, Patrick.

Where did you get the money?

Mr. Leavitt down at the pawnshop

gave me a very good price

for my hockey stick and microscope.

I was getting tired of microbes.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my!

They're not quite diamonds.

Oh, darling!

That's the most beautiful bracelet

I ever owned!

Oh!

Aw!

Wiggle it.

See! It doesn't make any noise.

I told the man you had to have a quiet one

for when you go on the stage again.

When you wear it with your mink coat,

you'll make a sensation at Macy's.

Oh, I've already made a sensation at Macy's.

And my mink coat is at Mr. Leavitt's

with your microscope.

Well, if we're having Christmas,

let's have it all the way around!

Norah! Ito! Come in, please!

Yes, Missy Dennis?

Merry Christmas, everyone!

It isn't until Tuesday, mum!

Well, we need it now. Let's go ahead and have it.

Norah, Ito, Patrick.

I did want to pay you some of your back salary.

Not another word about it.

We wouldn't think of leaving you.

No place else get job anyhow.

Ooh!

It isn't 17 jewels, Ito.

I'm not sure time is worth decoration these days.

Thank you, Missy!

French-smelling. I'll feel as alluring as theda bara.

Golly! Long pants at last!

Can I try them on right now, Auntie Mame?

Right now!

Well, we've got

a present for you, too, Ito and me.

I hope you won't be angry

for what we've done.

Just what is it you have done?

Well, Ito had a bit of money put by, and so did I,

for a rainy day, you might say.

We both figured it couldn't get much wetter

than it is right now.

We pay grocery and butcher bill.

Now Mr. Schultz

no give nasty look with lamb chop.

You are both so dear to me.

I'll pay you back one day.

You know I will, if...

If ever I can.

You're a loving woman, mum.

Oh, you're odd, but you're loving.

All we wish is that you could find a man,

as wonderful and as fine a gentleman

as you are a fine lady.

Oh, Norah.

Whatever happened to Mr. Lindsay Woolsey?

He was a nice man.

Yes, he was a nice man. I sent him away.

I said no so many times when I had money,

I couldn't say yes when I went broke.

Look!

Besides, I have my own fine gentleman

who gives me diamonds,

or almost diamonds!

Well, what we need is some music.

Christmas Carols!

## Deck the halls with boughs of Holly... ##

## Fa la la la la la la la la ##

## 'Tis the season to be jolly ##

## Tra la la la la la la la la ##

## Don we now our gay apparel ##

## Tra la la la la la la la la ##

## Troll the ancient yuletide Carol ##

## Don we now our gay apparel ##

## Tra la la la la la ##

I'm all out of breath!

Ha ha ha ha!

I'm all out of breath!

Hee hee hee.

Patrick, go to her.

Don't cry, Auntie Mame.

Please don't cry.

Oh, hell.

We don't even have any Kleenex.

If that's Santa Claus, tell him we've already had it.

Uh, howdy, howdy.

Excuse me, but I wondered if--

I declare, it's a miracle!

That's what it is!

It's a good old-fashioned Christmas miracle!

Ma'am, you've got no idea how I am happy to see you!

I don't know I'm quite that happy to see you.

I've been looking all over for you.

There are 97 Dennises

in the Manhattan directory alone!

I was about to get out my foreign visa

and set sail for Brooklyn.

Would you mind telling me

why you came here in the first place?

I went back to that counter.

I had to apologize to you, but you was gone.

I told them right out,

them Macy folks, that they was wrong.

A woman of your culture and charm and refinement

should have an executive position

with hired hands to wrestle with

them pesky figuring and writing details.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

I want to pay off that nice taxi man

so he can get home to his family.

You left a taxi meter running in the middle of the depression?

Well, ma'am, I'm in oil.

It just keeps on gushing.

There's not much I can do about it.

I'm all alone here in this fair Metropolis of yours.

If you wouldn't consider me too presumptuous,

I'd be most honored if you let me squire you to dinner.

No, thank you.

We're having a Christmas celebration.

I can't leave my little family.

I can understand that.

I'm knee-deep in family myself.

Got acres of them.

Come down Georgia way and meet them all.

I think you'd just love Peckerwood.

Peckerwood? Who's Peckerwood?

Oh, no, ma'am.

That's the name of my little ol' plantation.

Say...maybe just for tonight,

I could be part of your little ol' family,

and we could all have dinner together.

No, really, I'm not dressed.

You look fine.

Don't worry none about that.

A little powder

on that nose, and you look...

Just fine.

Look here, I'll tell that nice taxi man to wait.

Yeah!

Marry him, mum, the minute he asks you!

Norah!

What's his name?

You don't even know his name.

Of course I do!

We are about to break bread with

Beauregard Jackson... Pickett Burnside!

Norah, get your coat.

Ito, change your jacket.

Darling, now hurry, hurry!

And you better bring your scarf!

It's cold outside!

Norah, don't forget to take your apron off.

Ito, hurry!

Oh, I was just going to give you

this wee thing at dinner.

Oh, Norah, you're an angel.

Wait, there must be one for you--ah!

Me never believe in Santa Claus.

Me beginning to change mind!

Well, I never did think Santa Claus

would have a Southern accent!

Merry Christmas from Manny, Moe, and Jack,

your credit clothiers.

Well, merry Christmas to you all,

Manny, Moe, and Jack,

and a happy little 'ol new year!

Well, good morning, ma'am.

Where's my snuffbox?

What son of a no-good hound dog stole my snuffbox?

It's in your lap, mother Burnside.

Beauregard, where is she?

I don't see any New York filly here,

just the same old lovin' family group standin' around

waiting to be mentioned in my will.

Afternoon to y'all... Vultures.

Afternoon...

Now, now, Mrs. Burnside.

That doesn't include me, does it?

No, Sally Cato. You ain't no vulture.

You're just a dead pigeon.

Ah--ah--

Ah--ah--

ah-choo!

I can't see how you let my Beauregard

out of your nest.

You should have sat on him till you hatched him.

- Son? - Yes mother?

We got sweet Georgia peaches here.

Don't know why you had to go to the land of the enemy

and bring back a northern lemon!

Let's keep our hominy grits going in the right direction.

My Auntie Mame, Miss Dennis, I mean,

says she'll be here in just a moment.

Well, now, what a lovable, genteel little gentleman!

Emory!

You and my little brother

gonna get along like a pair of colts in a pasture.

Emory!

Your sister's nice.

Nice? You're plumb crazy!

She's the meanest damn filly

in the entire south!

Mame, darling, where are you?

We're all waiting on ya.

Oh, I'm coming, Beau, sugar.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

I'm just busting to meet your sweet little old mother.

Uh, mother, dear...

I'd like to present Miss Mame Dennis.

Well, I must say, Mrs. Burnside,

you're everything I ever expected...

And quite a bit more.

And these here are my--

- ah--ah-- - yes, wha--

ah-choo!

Bless you.

These are the rest of my kinfolks--

the Jacksons, Picketts, Burnsides,

and Miss Sally Cato MacDougall.

You stay here and have a nice chat.

I'll fix you a special drink.

Then we're going to run along down,

and I'll have you meet my horses.

Well, I...

I can't tell you how charming it is

to meet all of, uh...

You all.

Tell me, Miss Dennis.

May I call you Mame?

Oh, please do!

And you call me Sally Cato, hear?

Thank you!

Tell me, was it horses brought you

and Beauregard together?

Horses?

Why, horses are the most important thing

in Beau's life.

Oh, I just love riding.

Up in New York, hardly a day goes by,

I don't have the sadd-- boots on.

Up every morning at the crack of dawn

for a brisk canter through central park.

Now that settles it.

In your honor, we've got to have a hunt.

A hunt? Oh, a hunt.

A hunt?

Listen, everybody,

Beauregard's gone and surprised us all.

Miss Dennis here is a prominent northern horsewoman.

I'm not prominent.

Naturally, we'll have a hunt.

Listen, dawn tomorrow, and everybody's invited.

We might not feel like riding so early.

Won't we have a lark, all of us, sun up,

leaping over those hedges and river gaps

and the hounds yapping around those boulders?

I tell you, Mame,

every eye in this county is gonna be on you.

If I'd only known.

I didn't bring down any of my riding togs.

Don't you worry about that, Mame.

I got dozens of things you could wear.

What's your shoe size?

3b.

That's marvelous! Same as I wear.

Oh, you do ride astride, Mame, dear.

Oh, no, no. No. Sidesaddle.

Daddy, the colonel,

insisted that I learn it.

Said it was the only way for a true lady to ride.

So...graceful. silly of him, of course.

Nobody rides sidesaddle these days,

but it's the only way I know how.

Now, isn't that just grand?

I just happen to have a little ol' sidesaddle.

It'll do you fine.

Refreshments, ladies?

Oh, Beau, darling, we're having a hunt,

and your sweet little Yankee girl

is riding sidesaddle.

I won't permit it! It's far too dangerous!

But, darling, she's insisted.

Oh, well...

Anything Mame says she can do, she can do.

I tell you, she is an amazing woman.

Oh, Mame, sugar!

I'm just going to hold my breath

until dawn tomorrow.

Do that, honey.

Patrick, stop looking at the pictures.

Read it to me, dear. I'm listening.

"How to ride a horse."

It says you should always get on the horse

from the left side.

My left side or the horse's left side?

It doesn't say. Listen to this.

"Whenever a rider approaches a strange mount,

"he should fix the animal in the eye

with a masterful gaze."

A masterful gaze.

"Above all, remain calm, for a horse

"has a highly developed sense of smell

and reacts dangerously when he smells fear."

I hope he likes Chanel no. 5.

Hey, I didn't know this.

"Horses aren't native to America."

Darling, read me something useful.

I'm about to go over the top any minute--sidesaddle!

"Clearing fences."

Clearing fences.

It says you should always lean.

"Jumping water hazards."

Jumping water hazards.

"Don't lean. Sit erect."

Don't lean. Sit erect.

Oh, Patrick. Say your prayers.

Brush your teeth.

Be good to Norah and Ito

after I'm gone.

I think Sally Cato left a foot in this one.

Let me help you.

No, darling. It's no use.

Why are you going through all this, Auntie Mame?

If I can only snag you an uncle Beau,

all our problems will be solved.

Besides, there's another minor,

relatively unimportant little old thing.

I happen to be in love with him.

I like Beau. I like him a lot.

Then it's all settled.

Not so fast.

He hasn't asked me anything yet.

You dressed yet, Mame, honey?

Come in, Beau, darling.

Oh, my.

How handsome you look!

Well, likewise, Mame.

Aw...

Hold it steady there, will you?

I want to get a picture of this.

That's it.

Now give me a nice pose, Mame, darling.

Oh...

A big smile.

That's a girl.

There we are.

You have now been immortalized in celluloid.

Oh, Beau!

Patrick...

Oh, you must have left it in my room.

I'll find it.

Huh!

Uh...

Uh, Mame...

Oh, oh.

Uh...

Well, thank you.

I got something to say.

I'll have to say it fast

because if I don't say it fast,

I'm not gonna say it at all.

Talk slow then, Beau, darling.

I can listen fast.

Mame, you and I

don't exactly come from the same world.

Yes, Beau.

Mame, not that I think I'm worth--

well, there comes a time in every life...

Oh, yes. Yes, Beau.

I'm just going to have to come right out

and say it.

Uh...

Oh...

I'm going to ask you to...

Mame, would you--

I mean, could you--

ye--

Mame!

Mame, darling!

It's me, Sally Cato.

I just wanted to see if there was anything--

oh, hello, Beau. Was I interrupting?

There's the signal, Mame, darling.

Come on, let's hurry!

Well, shall we to the hounds?

Yeah. I'd love to meet your family.

Mame, sugar,

we almost thought you wasn't coming.

Oh, morning, everyone.

Lovely day for a hunt.

Sugar, you look absolutely dreamy.

Say, boys!

You can bring Miss Dennis' horse round now.

Well, what a break.

Glorious weather for the hunt.

I thought perhaps it might rain,

we'd call the whole thing off.

Well, now. Where are we riding to?

Outside of the hounds, of course.

It's a good 10-mile course,

for those as makes it.

Well, I can try.

This way, Auntie Mame.

Morning, Miss Dennis.

Morning, morning.

Well, has he?

Not yet,

so I die an old maid sometime before lunch.

No, you won't.

You look convincing, like a magazine cover.

Horror stories.

Oh!

What's in there?

That's the horse I picked out for you.

What's his name?

Meditation.

I could trip you. You'd only break a leg.

I can't disgrace Beau in front of all his people.

Fix the animal in the eye with a masterful gaze.

Fix a master in the eye with an animal gaze

in the asterful eye!

Fix the aster in the maze with an animal guy!

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, boy.

Whoa, whoa.

Hold it, hold it.

Oh!

Ah!

Ow! Ooch!

Well, you look fit, Mame!

They're bringing the fox up from the icehouse.

Come on, let's go, everybody!

Whoa, boy. Easy, now. Calm down.

Ha ha ha!

Good-bye, Yankee gal.

Whoa!

Where does she think she's going?

Look at her go!

Auntie Mame! Fall off!

Watch that flood wall!

Auntie Mame, fall off!

Fall off!

Look out! Look out!

Aah!

Danged if she

didn't sail clear over it!

No hands!

Whoop!

Aah!

Look at her ride!

She's passing everybody!

She's passing the master of the hounds!

Mighty bad form, passing the master!

She's passing the dogs!

Mother of Jefferson Davis!

She's passing the fox!

Mrs. Burnside! Mrs. Burnside!

I was driving by, I thought I saw--

that couldn't be meditation, could it?

Yeah. Fine bit of horseflesh.

He's a killer! I got to stop this!

They're all headed back this way.

Hey, stay out of them flower beds!

Get them crazy horses out of my bougainvillea!

She's heading for the icehouse!

Aah!

Hey! That's my car!

That's county property!

Aah!

Ha!

Mame!

Mame!

Mame, darling! Where are you?

She come this way.

There you are.

Mame, darling, are you all right?

I caught the brass ring.

If I hadn't grabbed on to this,

I'd have been in Nova Scotia.

What happened to the fox?

Poor thing is all tuckered out.

Auntie Mame!

Oh, my little love!

Don't you worry. I'm all right.

As county veterinarian, I commanded you 2 years ago

to have that horse meditation destroyed.

Letting this little lady ride this horse--

superb horsewoman that she is!

That was pure premeditated murder!

Let's have 3 cheers, everybody,

for my little Yankee Valkyrie.

What a seat that woman has!

What a magnificent seat!

Look here, everybody!

I want 3 cheers for...

For the future Mrs. Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside!

Hip, hip...

- Hooray! - Hooray!

Hip, hip...

- Hooray! - Hooray!

Beau!

Emory, come on home!

Hot damn! My sister's gonna bust a gut!

What are you all standing around here for?

Come back to the house,

and we'll all have a glass of whiskey.

Oh, Beau.

Come on, Mame, darling.

Here we are.

Say, Mame, I'm sorry about...

Well, about making my proposal so public,

but you know that I'm gonna do everything I can

to make you happy.

'Course, you're gonna have to educate me,

you know, make me more Cosmopolitan.

For a honeymoon,

why don't we take a trip around the world

for a couple of years, just you and me?

Oh, Beau! That--

darling, excuse me a minute.

Sure.

Oh, my little love!

Congratulations, Auntie Mame.

Your Auntie Mame's in love and very, very happy.

I won't see you for a long time.

Patrick...

Oh, Patrick, nothing can ever really separate us.

And you'll join us on all your vacations.

The rest of the time, you'll be busy at school.

Tch. Aw. I'll just have 2 men in my life

instead of one, hmm?

And I'll write to you every day, darling.

I promise. You don't think

I'd run off and abandon you to the Babcocks, do you?

You're stuck with me

whether you like it or not, darling, forever.

Now let me see you smile. Where is it?

I want to see it. Up, up, up, up, up!

Ah, that's my boy! Ha ha ha!

Can I ask you just one question?

How did you stay on that horse?

It was just like new haven with the bracelet.

I got stuck, but at the other end.

Mame.

"Dear Auntie Mame,

"I plan to spend this holiday

with Mr. Babcock in Darien."

Hold it there, Mame, darling.

Now, no higher, Beau.

"Junior Babcock and I have swell times there.

"I have met the kids

from practically all the best families in Connecticut."

Tch. Oh, dear.

Beau, I have a feeling we should be getting back.

I think Patrick needs me.

That last one was the best one yet.

Oh, good, darling.

Did you remember to put film in the camera?

I sure did, hon--

oh, dang!

Oh, up, up, rover!

Up, up! Oh...

Mrs. Burnside.

Oh, Mr. Babcock.

So good to see you again.

Thank you. Nice to see you.

Oh, darling!

Oh!

Congratulations.

Mame!

Up here, Mame, honey.

Give me a nice smile now.

I got you!

Mame, honey...

Look up here.

Oh! Come, Patrick.

Do be careful, darling.

Now...

Give me a nice smile.

Patrick, boy, take off your hat.

Now give me a nice smile.

That's it.

Ah!

I got it!

Ha ha ha ha!

## Oh, Rumson u ##

## Oh, Rumson u ##

## To you we'll e'er be staunch and true ##

## And though our college days are few ##

## We'll remember you, Rumson u ####

Dennis?

Hey, Dennis!

Sign here.

It's another one for you!

Hey, Dennis!

Yeah!

Siam this time.

Thanks.

Siam. "Dear Patrick,

"here's a handy little woman to have around the house.

Love, Auntie Mame."

What a doll!

Look at that thing!

Uh!

Here we are, Mame, darling.

Oh!

You all right?

Next time, let's take the elevator.

It's 10,000 feet up.

We only got another mile to go.

Why don't you stay here and rest a little while?

I'll go on up a little higher.

I want to get some film on you, huh?

I'll finish Patrick's letter.

All right.

"Have to dash. Dinner at uncle Dwight's.

"That's Babcock the baboon-faced boy, to you.

"Actually, old Babcock's rather sweet.

"He's been introducing me to all the blonde heiresses

on the eastern seaboard."

Blonde heiresses?

Dwight?

Beau? Beau?

I knew that letter was worrying you,

so I already made reservations back.

Oh, good.

Well, then let's get back down.

Wait a minute, Mame.

I still got a little bit more film left.

Mame, would you mind

stepping back just a bit?

I'd rather not.

Never mind. I'll skittle up a mite.

Now, Beau. No higher.

Take this thing, will you, honey?

It keeps on getting in my way.

Take hold of the other end for your balance.

Don't you worry none, Mame.

Just be looking out at the view.

Hold it now, will you?

Hold on tight while I refocus.

## Yodel-a-Dee-hoo! ##

## Yodel-a-Dee-hoo! ##

## Yodel-a- deeeeeeeeeeee-- ####

Beau?

Beau!

Good heavens!

This place looks like the main chapel

of a funeral parlor.

Haven't Norah and Ito been alerted?

They'll be here tomorrow.

What's that thing supposed to be?

It's a dictaphone.

She'll never use it.

Patrick's carried all this junk up here for nothing.

Mame can't stay still

long enough to write a post card,

let alone a book.

No, I think the kid was right.

Mame can't go on living in a vacuum.

She's always got to have a project.

She's got a project.

Now she's the tragic queen.

She's having such fun being miserable.

All she's done these last 10 months

is to wander around Europe

revisiting places she's been with Beau.

8 times she's climbed that lousy Matterhorn

to throw Rose petals down the glacier.

I should have gone to the boat with Patrick to meet her.

I haven't seen her since the funeral.

Wasn't it like Mame

to keep him till I got there?

Listen, you cynic! She was in love with him!

She's changed, I tell you.

Uh-huh!

I'll get some champagne.

Oh, I'll answer it.

Mame!

Zooks, she can't have changed that much!

I'm from speed-o.

You're what?

Patrick called

a secretarial service.

Your name is, uh...

Agnes Gooch.

Now, Miss Gooch,

you'll be taking dictation

from Mrs. Burnside.

She's a very fast talker.

Speed-o won't let anybody out

who can't do at least 180 words a minute.

I'm over 200.

Oh, you're not!

She may let loose with a million words

and ideas.

I want you to be right there

to soak them up like a sponge.

Speed-o better have symbols for 4-letter words.

Oh, Lindsay, Mame will never write a book!

Patrick's got someone to help.

Great Scott, I forgot.

He told the fellow to be here at 3:00.

What fellow?

That's the signal.

What signal?

Patrick wants us to surprise Mame.

Hide! In there. Quick!

I--

you, too, Miss Gooch.

Why are you ringing? Don't you have a key?

Oh, of course!

What am I thinking of?

Oh, Patrick!

Ah!

Welcome home, Auntie Mame.

Oh, good old Beekman Place.

Always so loyal.

No matter how far I go, it waits for me to come back.

I do hope you used it weekends.

Well, no, I didn't. I usually go from school

out to Connecticut to uncle Dwight's.

Oh.

I rather expected Vera to be at the boat.

I wouldn't let her come.

I wanted to be all alone with you.

Oh, Patrick!

My little Patrick!

Oh, now, now, now. Open your presents.

I just can't get over it.

Every time I see you,

you're taller and more grownup.

Golly! Short pants! At last!

Can I try them on right now?

Ha ha! Right now!

Surprise! Welcome home, Mame!

Vera!

And dear, staunch, stalwart Lindsay.

Oh, how good of you both

to rally round this bereft old woman.

Doesn't she look great?

How can you tell?

Mame, couldn't you have gone

to purple by now?

Come on, Auntie Mame. Champagne!

And fishberry jam.

No, no, Patrick.

The bubbles no longer tickle my nose.

I've given up alcohol, along with everything else.

It's wonderful of you all, very touching,

but...what's that?

That's your dictaphone and your typewriter.

And what's that?

I'm your sponge!

Auntie Mame, this is your secretary.

My secretary?

Yes. You're going to write

your autobiography.

Me write a book?

No one's had a more colorful life than you.

Think of all the fascinating people

you've known-- Winston Churchill,

Mahatma Gandhi, me...

And I've saved all your letters.

You'll be so busy digging up the past,

you won't have time to think about the present.

And I promise to publish it.

I see...This is some sort of conspiracy.

No, no.

Yes, yes, some trumped-up occupational therapy,

like leathercraft or basket-weaving.

I swear it'll be a best seller.

A best seller?

And you'd be doing me a favor.

My memoirs? My memoirs.

Patrick, you forgot my drink.

Champagne?

Anything, darling. Just make it double.

I see it in 2 volumes,

boxed like Proust.

Well, uh...

Let me see... Chapter one, page one.

She supposed to start this minute?

Oh, this isn't so difficult.

Patrick, get me another drink.

Where was I? Chapter one, page one.

What are you writing?

"Chapter one, page one. This isn't so difficult.

"Patrick, get me another drink.

Where was I? What are you writing?"

She is fast.

Atta-girl, Auntie Mame. You're off and running.

Patrick, do you think I should do this?

It'll take up all my time,

and I came home just to be with you.

You can't exactly be with me.

No women in the dorm.

I keep forgetting, darling. You're all grown up now.

You don't need me anymore. Nobody needs me anymore.

It's one of the saddest things that--

how do you turn her off? Now where was I?

The most important thing is a very good beginning.

Why don't you wait for your collaborator?

Collaborator?

A friend arranged for an editor

to work with you,

a fellow named O'Banion.

You don't trust me to write my own life?

Good heavens, who else could write it?

He wants to give me a ghost!

Not a ghost, Mame!

I see the whole picture. A ghostwriter!

If you think I'll expose my life

in front of some burly, beer-drinking Irishman,

who leads a low, common life

in some 3rd Avenue bar,

you're very much mistaken. A ghostwriter!

You don't trust me to write my own life!

Auntie Mame--

whoever this creature is--

a Mr. O'Banion to see you.

I was asked to drop by to meet the fabulous Mrs. Burnside.

Ahh...you are she, of course.

I could sense the aura

of creative vitality about you.

Won't you come in, Mr. O'Banion?

I thought by way of introduction, Mrs. Burnside,

I'd present you with this slim volume of me poems,

The Parched Garden.

What a lovely title. Thank you.

Do you mind if I sit down?

That long ride up in the elevator,

it's after getting me dizzy.

I'll be after getting you

a bit of water.

Oh, no, no. Please don't bother.

Of course, a bit of champagne if it's handy.

Patrick.

It seems to help.

Thank you.

Uh, oh...

It's the other one.

Tell me, how did it happen?

Well, it was in 1922, the great rebellion.

Even a lad of 15 can feel strongly

about his country's independence.

Tch, tch, tch.

Ahem!

Oh.

How nice.

Tell me, Mr. O'Banion,

do you think you and I

can ever get anyplace?

With the book, I mean.

Well, we've both known sorrow.

I feel that you and I

are going to create something...

Something beautiful.

## Too-ra-loo-ra-lay ##

## A-loo-ra-lay ##

## A-too-ra-loo-ra-lay ####

Actually, my childhood was so sad.

Looking back, mother died in childbirth.

That was a dreadful thing.

Father traveled all the time.

What a difficult man he was.

I must be fair to father. I really must.

Remind me to do a whole new chapter about him.

No, take that out.

I don't think I'll be bothered with that.

I had to start working when I was 8.

8 years of age!

I went over to this woman next door

and said, "can I baby-sit? Can I do something?"

I said to myself, "I must have clothes,

I must have parties, I must have pretties."

Please.

Please, Miss Gooch!

How can I court the muse

with all that clackety-clack?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. O'Banion.

I'm only taking off what Mrs. Burnside dictated.

Everything Mrs. Burnside dictates

is so wonderful.

When I think of the things she's done,

and think of the things I haven't done,

I could just die.

It's so exciting being in this house.

Just imagine, a Japanese houseboy,

all those artistic friends,

and you, Mr. O'Banion.

Oh, I'll get it, Brian.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Lindsay.

Oh, it's coming along.

Well, it's only been 3 months.

Brian is polishing and perfecting it.

A party! Oh, I'd--

oh...no, I'm afraid not.

Brian couldn't possibly--

what is it, my dear?

Lindsay feels that Warner brothers

might pay a fortune for our book

as a vehicle for Bette Davis.

Jack Warner's coming to his apartment tonight,

but I said you wouldn't--

Lindsay! Lindsay...

Mrs. Burnside and I couldn't possibly

allow our work to be defiled by a movie company,

but just as a courtesy,

we'll come and discuss it.

Uh, about 8:30.

Black tie?

All right, and thank you very much.

Good-bye.

Brian, you accepted.

It might do you good

to get back in the world for a change tonight.

Here's what you dictated, Mrs. Burnside.

Oh, thank you.

Here's what Mr. O'Banion edited.

Oh. Well, Mr. O'Banion and I are going to work now.

Why don't you do...

Whatever it is you do do to relax?

Thank you, Mrs. Burnside.

I think I'll just fix myself a Dr. pepper.

Brian, I'm really worried.

We have so little to show Mr. Warner.

We'll have to tell him the story.

How long will it take us

to finish this book?

Flaubert spent 13 years on Madame Bovary.

Oh... uh--w-where were we?

Give us our last sentence again.

"My puberty in buffalo was drab."

No, no, no. It has no majesty.

Drab is such a drab word.

How right you are.

It has no afflatus!

What about bleak?

Bleak?

Bleak! "How bleak was my puberty."

Bleak, buffalo.

Hear how the 2 words cling to each other,

locked together like a man and woman

in each other's arms.

Listen to the words sing!

"How bleak was my puberty!"

I'm sorry.

Come, Mame, come.

Let us lie down here in front of the fire

and stare at the flames.

It will help stir the flames of our inspiration.

Uh, y-yes--yes... Well, now, Brian.

Do you think the general public

will understand all this symbolism?

"Like an echo from the caves

"of Glocca Morra, I came forth,

whilst Deidre wept cool tears."

Wouldn't it be simpler to say,

"on the day I was born,

it rained in buffalo"?

But it's drab.

It's drab, but it's clear!

Here is clarity, Mame.

I stayed awake to sift it from obscurity.

"In the blank, gray, midnight of me haunted garden,

"your soft form appeared, raining kisses

on the parched earth of me lips."

Brian, what's come over you?

Now, you mustn't!

It takes Agnes no time at all

to knock off a Dr. pepper.

- Brian, you mustn't! - Mame.

Do not withdraw this wondrous watering,

for without you--

I rinsed out the glass.

Aren't you neat, ag--

Mame, it came from the very fiber of me being.

That's why I was so tired today.

It took everything out of me.

You could revitalize me with a single motherly kiss.

Mmm!

Brian, what's happened to you?

I'm revitalized!

Revitalized? You're recharged!

Don't you dare come near me! Stay there!

You're old enough to be my mother!

I'm going to your room-- I mean my room! Norah, Ito!

Aaah! Your leg! You'll kill yourself!

But what a way to die! I'm mad for you!

For 2 months, you've poured your strength into me.

Now I will pour it right back!

Aah!

Brian! Brian, this is ridiculous!

It's like having a crush

on your schoolteacher

or your analyst!

Oh, now, stop it! Stop!

Hello, anybody!

Patrick!

Hello, Auntie Mame.

Hello, Dennis.

I'm so glad to see you, darling.

Mrs. Burnside and I

were just working... On the book.

I bet that's going to be some book.

What are you doing home from school?

I had to talk to you about something.

You have things to talk about.

I'll go up to my room and change.

His room? Is he living here?

Well, of course, darling.

He was living in some miserable cold-water flat,

and since we're working together literally night and day...

Let me tell you something about that spiritual Irish poet--

you don't have to tell me a thing.

It looks very cozy.

For a minute there, you sounded exactly like

somebody from the Knickerbocker bank.

Please get O'Banion out of here right away.

I beg your pardon.

I don't want him in this house.

Aren't you taking rather an imperious tone?

Mr. O'Banion is my colleague.

Colleague, my foot!

Gloria would never understand that you--

now, who is Gloria?

Auntie Mame, listen to me.

I've met a girl.

I've been going with her

for several months.

Oh.

She's a very special girl and...

I guess I should have

told you about her before.

I would have,

but you were tied up with the book and...

Everything.

Until now it wasn't really definite.

What's definite now?

Gloria's the girl! That's what's definite!

And you're going to meet her...Tonight.

I hope you didn't leave her sitting in the car!

No, I dropped her off at her girlfriend's,

Bunny Bixler's on park Avenue.

She wanted to spruce up before she met you.

I'd better do some sprucing up of my own.

I'll bring her back in 10 or 15 minutes.

I'll have my face all organized.

Mame, where are me evening slippers?

Oh, it's all right. I found them.

Wait a minute.

If he's still in the house,

I'm not gonna bring Gloria back here.

May I inquire why?

Gloria's a very sensitive and well-brought-up girl.

I don't want you flaunting

your new flames and old peccadilloes

in front of her.

Then why bring her here at all?

You want to know the truth?

I've been trying to avoid it.

She wanted to meet you.

I see.

So you just dropped by

to see that I was all... Scrubbed up,

presentable for inspection,

is that it?

Yes.

And to tell you that while I've got

my girl here tonight,

for 5 minutes try to act like

a normal human being.

Gloria's from a very conservative family,

good stock, and...

She doesn't have to know about a lot of things

that ordinary mortals simply don't have to know about.

Should she know that I think

you've turned into one of the most

beastly, bourgeois, babbitty little snobs

on the eastern seaboard...

Or will you be able to make that quite clear

without any help from me?

Well, it's been nice knowing you.

Patrick.

Auntie Mame.

Oh, darling, oh, I love you so.

I'd do anything for you.

I'd join the D.A.R.,

I'd denounce Calvin Coolidge

as a bolshevik!

Oh, Auntie Mame,

Gloria had better like you,

or I'll belt her one square in the chops.

I'll have him out of here in no time,

have the whole place fumigated.

I promise, darling. I promise!

Thanks, Auntie Mame.

## The pale moon was shining ##

## Above the green mountain ##

## The sun was declining beneath the sea... ##

Brian!

Oh, Brian!

## Ti ti tum tum-- ##

What's the matter? Why aren't you dressed?

We can't keep Lindsay waiting.

Brian, would you mind awfully going to the party

without me tonight?

You want me to go alone? I wouldn't think of it.

Something just came up--

hurry up and get dressed.

I am not going to that party alone.

If there's nothing more you wanted, Mrs. Burnside,

I just thought I'd go up to my room.

Agnes.

Agnes.

I wonder.

Is anything wrong, Mrs. Burnside?

Agnes.

You're coming out.

Where?

You know, you have very beautiful eyes.

Take these glasses off and leave them off forever.

I can't see anything out of my right eye.

Look out of your left one. Now, now, now, now!

You do have a bust!

Where have you been hiding that all these months?

Mrs. Burnside!

What do you call those things?

Orthopedic Oxfords.

Kick them off. Take off your clothes.

Norah, Ito.

There's a man in the house.

Agnes, stop being a goof. Get these clothes off quickly!

I'm in a hurry!

Norah! Ito!

Where are you when I need you?

Mrs. Burnside, I don't have a very clear picture

of what's going on.

Oh...

Now, Agnes, dear,

I am sending you to that party tonight

with Mr. O'Banion.

Oh, I couldn't.

I'm too nervous.

Oh! This will calm you down.

Oh, no! Spirits do

the most terrible things to me.

I'm not the same girl.

What's wrong with that?

Will it mix with Dr. pepper?

He'll love it. Drink!

Oh, Norah, go upstairs and get my black velvet.

Ito, lay out all my cosmetics--

cold cream, eye shadow, eyebrow pencils!

Everything!

You see, me be Charlie of the Ritz.

Ha ha ha!

Come, child.

I think I know what you want me to do.

I'm not a bit sure I want to do it.

Agnes, where is your spine?

Here you've been taking my dictation for weeks,

and you don't get the message of my book.

Live! that's the message!

Live?

Yes! Life is a banquet,

and most poor suckers are starving to death!

Now, come on, Agnes, live!

Live!

Come, child! Live!

- Live! - Live!

Live!

Ha ha ha!

The whole place has gone nuts.

She'll never make a silk purse

out of that sow's ear.

Oh, Mrs. Burnside, I can't breathe!

Oh, good, good.

If you can breathe, it isn't tight enough.

And why aren't you dressed?

Brian, you just have to understand--

I'm not going to that party tonight.

Then I'm not going either.

I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!

Well, you can use the Duesenberg.

And I have a date for you.

Oh, Agnes!

Agnes!

You can't expect--

would you ask Toscanini to lead a harmonica band?

Now, Brian.

I won't take Gooch.

She's an offense to the human eyesight.

It's a good thing her mother,

the Countess de Gooch, can't hear that.

She'd...eh... pull your beard.

Countess? you're joking.

Surely you've heard of the de Gooches?

Second wealthiest banking family

in the country.

Fabulous estate at Newport.

This child is just doing this

for a little literary experience.

Ah, Agnes.

No, no, no.

Head up, dear.

Shoulders back, tummy in.

Oh, Agnes, tonight you are queen of Romania.

Oh, Agnes, dear, on your feet.

Oh, darling, you look divine.

Do I really?

Yes, now come on.

Enchanting.

Golly!

Brian, hang those furs on the Gooch.

Auntie Mame, this is Gloria Upson.

This is my Auntie Mame, Mrs. Burnside.

I can't tell you how pleased I am

to make your acquaintance.

Yes...come in, children. Do, please.

There are some friends of mine

I'd like you to meet.

This is my secretary, Miss Gooch,

my good right hand, my Boswell, as it were.

This is Miss Upson and my nephew Patrick.

This is--what is your boyfriend's name again?

Oh, Mr. O'Banion.

You two, run along. Have a good time.

Well, good night!

I can't tell you how pleased I am

to have made your acquaintance, Mr. O'Banion

and Miss Boswell.

Well, now, Patrick tells me how special

you are to him.

That means you're very special to me, too.

Mmm, my! What a stunning apartment.

Thank you.

Books are awfully decorative, don't you think?

Won't you sit down?

Can I get you something?

A Cognac? A Drambuie?

Would you like another hot chocolate?

Oh, not a thing.

On our way to Bunny Bixler's,

my friend on park Avenue and 71st street,

Patrick and I stuffed ourselves at Schrafft's.

Do you know what your silly nephew did?

He spoke French to the counterman.

Imagine anybody speaking French

to a counterman at Schrafft's.

Show-off.

Well, if nobody minds,

I think I'll have something.

You're...

You're at school, dear?

I'm an upper Richmond girls school girl.

How did you get that lovely tan

so early in the spring?

Oh, I played hooky for a couple of weeks.

Mums and Daddums and I went down

to our place in Fort Lauderdale.

We have a place in Fort Lauderdale.

I was out of my mind until she got back.

I'm insanely jealous of this kid.

Sheer torture and I love it.

Silly.

Tell me, dear, have you...

Have you chosen your major yet?

Chosen my major?

What courses are you taking at college?

Oh! Just a general sort of liberal arts thing.

You know, English lit and like that.

Upper Richmond's top-drawer.

Really top-drawer.

How did you two ever get acquainted?

Oh, uncle Dwight introduced us.

Uncle Dwight? Oh, oh, yes.

Well, he's not really my uncle,

but he's been a real close friend of the family

ever since I was a little girl

with braces on my teeth.

One day I must meet mums and Daddums.

We don't want to bother you

with a lot of family stuff.

Naturally, we'll expect you at the wedding.

Wedding?

Is there a wedding?

I told you it was definite, Auntie Mame.

It's awfully good of you to let me know.

We've decided on a September wedding

at our place in Montebank.

September?

Tell me, just where is Montebank?

Oh, it's right above Darien.

Oh, you'll love it.

It's awfully pretty,

and it's terribly handy to the city.

Of course, it's completely restricted.

I'll get a blood test.

We'd better hurry. We want to catch

an Italian picture at the Plaza.

Oh, those awful foreign movies.

What I go through for your nephew,

but he is cute, isn't he?

Yes, isn't he?

I can't tell you how pleased I am

to have made your acquaintance.

Yes, thank you, dear. Thank you.

Well? Isn't she terrific?

Oh, yes, dear. Yes, she is.

So are you, Auntie Mame.

You're really top-drawer, I mean--

well, you know what I mean.

Now, why did I ever buy him those long pants?

Better hang on to the red dye.

I may want to go back to it

after visiting the Upsons.

It's just what you wanted, Mrs. Burnside--respectable.

If a bit drab.

Oh, Ito, did you bring the car around?

Missy, I go to garage. No Duesenberg.

Mr. O'Banion no bring back.

I hope nothing has happened--

to Agnes, I mean.

I'll call Mr. Lindsay, borrow one of his.

Don't forget the maps and the Martinis.

What happen, Missy Gooch?

I lived!

What kind party was that?

I don't remember.

All that champagne-- I don't remember a thing.

I think we went to a movie.

Yeah. There was a wedding in it,

and Gary Cooper was the groom.

I don't remember who the girl was,

but it made me cry. Where's Mrs. Burnside?

She get ready to go to Connecticut.

Where Duesenberg?

I don't know. Mr. O'Banion said

he just had to meet my mother.

Then we got on the Staten Island ferry,

and he disappeared.

I've got to see Mrs. Burnside

before she goes.

Is anything wrong, Missy Gooch?

I did just what she told me--

I lived!

I've gotta find out what to do now.

I think it's a good match

for our little Gloria.

I can't understand why Dwight didn't want us

to meet the aunt.

We never would have if she hadn't phoned.

I'm glad she did.

I've been dying to get a look at her.

Where is she now?

Freshening up in the guest room.

That's an expensive outfit she's wearing.

I looked at the label in her coat.

Pss!

I'll bet she's a lot better fixed

than Dwight figured.

I hope it's all right to have a cocktail hour

here in the patio.

I wouldn't want her to think we live like gypsies.

You show me a gypsy that lives like we do!

Shh! Claude, you be genteel

in front of Mrs. Burnside.

Yoo-hoo!

That must be she.

We're out here on the patio, Mrs. Burnside.

Oh, what a delightful spot you have here.

We adore Montebank.

Of course,

we always spend the summers

at our camp in the Adirondacks.

We call it Upson pines.

We leave next week.

There's one thing we ought to get straight right off.

You do take a little nip now and then?

On festive occasions.

Good!

I'll have an Upson daiquiri ready for you in a minute.

I cannot get over

all the thought you've given

every detail of your house, Mrs. Upson.

We've done everything we could

to make it seem like authentic colonial America.

Oh, and how well you've succeeded.

All those enchanting miniatures

in the powder room

of John Quincy Adams.

I'll bet you didn't see

our driveway signpost.

I did, I did. What a divine name

you've given this place--

Upson downs.

I'll bet you thought of that,

Mrs. Upson.

No. That was Claude.

I'm just a homebody.

Claude's the clever one.

- Aw... - aw...

Now, Mrs. Upson, I was thinking--

Doris, dear.

Doris.

Well, you must call me Mame.

Mamie.

Uh, Mame.

Well, Mamie old girl, here's your poison.

I make my daiquiris with a secret ingredient

I learned from this native down in Havana, Cuba.

You'll never guess what that secret ingredient is.

I'll say this much--

there's no sugar in the Claude Upson daiquiri.

And yet it's so sweet.

Whatever do you use?

Chocolate ice cream?

Choc--

oh ho ho ho ho! Ha ha ha!

Oh, say, that's rich.

You hear that, Doris?

Chocolate ice cream.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

I'll tell you.

Since you're practically one of the family,

I'll let you in on my little secret.

Honey.

I beg pardon?

Strained honey, that's the secret ingredient.

Oh, I see.

Of course, I use quite a little rum, too.

Now, now, now.

Yes. Oh, yes, I--

ha ha ha ha! Ya ha ha!

Now, Mamie,

I've made these especially for you.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my.

Don't they look delicious!

Well, well, well, well, well, well...

What are they?

Well, I take 2 cans of tuna fish,

put them through the meat grinder,

then add clam juice and peanut butter.

It's a recipe from the Ladies' Home Journal.

These others are just plain Jack cheese and chutney.

Sit you down, Mamie.

I've something special to show you.

Oh, baby pictures of Gloria.

The whole family, more or less.

Ah, on a bear rug. Isn't that precious?

Better not let Patrick see that one.

Ah ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha!

Oh, my, my.

Oh, that's Miss Tuthill,

little glory's first schoolteacher.

I think the light was hurting her eyes.

Yep, yep, yep.

Enough of this girlie-girlie talk.

As long as we have Mamie here,

we oughta let her know

what the plans are for Patrick's career.

Dwight Babcock and I have that coordinated.

When the kiddies

return from their honeymoon,

I want Patrick to take his choice.

With my connections, I can slip him

into a berth on Madison Avenue

or a seat on the stock exchange.

A seat and a berth--

my Patrick-- oh, pardon me.

I'm so sorry.

Say, you're a pretty fast drinker.

I'm way ahead of you.

You don't happen to like gin, do you, Mamie?

I adore it.

Good. After dinner,

we'll get out the cards and play.

Now the problem of what to give

the kiddies for a wedding present,

and I've got that all settled, too.

Here's my idea, Mamie.

Why don't we get together,

you and I,

and buy the newlyweds that?

What?

That lot right next door.

Wouldn't that make

a wedding present, though?

We could take out this wall,

and their patio

would come smack up against ours.

You couldn't tell where one left off

and the other one began.

You wouldn't be losing a daughter.

You'd be gaining a patio.

Yeah. We got to work fast, though.

There are some people

bidding on that property...

- Wrong kind. - Oh?

Yeah, a fella named Epstein.

Abraham Epstein.

The cellist? How lucky you are.

All that glorious music right next door.

She's a darling, one of the nicest women I've met.

You don't understand quite how it is up here,

but this section is restricted

only up to our property line.

We feel we have an obligation to make sure

that...well... you know.

Tell you what. I'll buy it.

We'll divvy it up 50-50.

You won't have to worry about a thing.

My, my, my, my, my.

You've thought of everything, haven't you?

Laid out Patrick's career,

planned the wedding...

Even chosen my gift.

Well, I guess there's only one thing left

for me to do.

What's that?

The day you get back from prickly pines,

I'll give an intimate family dinner.

Well, how about that?

Mamie, that's lovely!

You're a good scout, Mamie!

By golly, you're top-drawer!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

That's a very interesting design,

Mr. Christianson,

but are you sure you planned it

with that end up?

Well...

That is the beauty of it, madam.

It can be used upside-down.

Hello.

Just leave it outside, please.

I'm so sorry. You must be Patrick Dennis.

Guilty. Are you guilty of all of this?

No. I'm not the decorator.

I'm your aunt's private secretary, Pegeen Ryan.

How do you do?

Hello.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I've been away all summer.

Been a lot of changes around here.

Leave it to my Auntie Mame.

Where did she dig up this stuff?

This is the only set of its kind

in the universe. It's made by

the famous Danish designer, Yul Uhlu.

Who?

Yul Uhlu.

Say that to the right fella,

and you'll get kissed.

Oh, incidentally, congratulations.

I hear you're getting married next week.

Week from next Tuesday. The old ball and chain.

Oh, gee, I wish I'd said that.

How about,

"the first 100 years are the hardest"?

That's a good one.

How about, "marriage is a great institution...

Yeah, but who wants to be in an institution?"

Well, that's enough of that.

Patrick!

Patrick, my little love!

Ohh! I'm so glad to see you, darling.

Did you have a good time at Upsy Pinesy?

I had a wonderful time! I'll tell you about it.

Now, what is the idea--

I have to go to Montebank. Doris insisted.

They adored you, but why did you change--

I'm so relieved.

I want everything to be extra-special tonight.

And to give the Upsons

as cozy a time as they gave me.

Now, Pegeen, dear--

ooh, I forgot the horror.

Would somebody give me a hand with the ladder?

Patrick, the ladder. Pegeen.

Now, the fish food. Where's the fish food?

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Agnes, mustn't nibble on the hors d'oeuvres.

You'll get fat.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Burnside.

Gee...I try to do exactly as you say.

Come and get it. Come and get it.

- Come along. - Come along.

You're so wonderful!

Nobody else would have taken me in,

an outcast of society.

Twaddle! I'm the grateful one.

You've given me someone to look after,

now that I'm losing Patrick.

I wish I had someone to look after.

Oh, you will, you will, dear.

Where do you want this set up?

Right there will be fine.

Ah!

What's that supposed to be?

You don't like it?

It might be a little avant-garde for the Upsons.

Oh, dear. Pegeen, take it right down.

I want everything to be perfect tonight.

I think it's very unusual.

Agnes! What's she doing here?

Where else would she be

in her friendless condition?

This is one thing

the Upsons simply won't understand!

We don't need to talk about it.

Perhaps they won't notice.

They're here! They're here!

Will somebody help me get this down?

Help her, darling.

Leave it up.

Get the ladder out of here.

Norah, Ito, somebody answer the door.

I'll get it.

Oh, no, you don't!

Agnes, go to your room and stay there.

But what'll I do, Mrs. Burnside?

Sleep, Agnes, knit, start making up names--

Rudolph, Abigail, Beulah, Clara, anything.

Welcome to the Burnside fireside.

Mamie!

How I have looked forward

to this evening.

Come in. And Claude.

Well, good to see you, Mamie!

Ah, ah, ah! And little glory.

I can't tell you

how pleased I am to see you again.

Yes, dear.

My!

Say!

My, my, my, my, my!

Hi, everybody.

Well, hello, son.

Patrick!

Gloria.

Say, I made up the best joke

on the way up in the elevator.

Listen to this.

Why is an elevator man's job

like my place in Connecticut?

Give up?

Almost.

Well, I'll tell you.

Because it has its ups and downs!

You get it? Upson downs!

Clever. Clever.

Well, you just think of those things...

Do sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Aah!

Doris! Oh, you're not comfortable there, dear.

The marvelous thing is that these are all adjustable.

This is the master control.

Each chair has its own cord.

Let me see, Doris. You are number 4.

1, 2, 3, 4. Now, here we go.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Claude!

So sorry, Claude. You are number 4.

Doris, you must be number 5.

Auntie Mame!

Patrick, really, you're confusing me!

Now, Doris... Here you are. 5.

Going up! Oh!

There you go. Ah...

Ah! Oh!

Isn't it wonderful, Doris? So easy to sweep under.

Now, Claude, here we go. Hang on to your seatbelt.

Down you go! Oh, my, what supple legs you have.

You must have been studying yogi.

Here are the drinks.

Mamie!

Oh, so sorry, Doris, dear!

Ah...there we are, going down to the main floor.

Cigars, cigarettes, lingerie, hardware.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, dear!

Well, now, Patrick...

And little glory.

Oh, and here's uncle Dwight.

Claude?

Dwight!

Well, how are you?

Mr. Babcock.

Mrs. Burnside. We must have that game of golf soon.

Oh!

Oh, my, my, my, my, my.

I'm afraid we'll have to

take that up a bit.

Pegeen, better bring the ladder again.

Won't you sit down, Mr. Babcock?

Thank you.

Well, now, they're almost ready,

the Specialite de la maison.

I would like you to meet

Miss Pegeen Ryan.

Take it up a bit, dear.

It's getting in people's...Hair.

Claude.

Thank you.

And Doris.

Claude, I am not going to tell you

one thing that's in these drinks

because all the ingredients

are secret.

Oh?

Now, now, now, just hang on.

Oh! Well.

What do you know?

The trick is to drink them up fast

before all the alcohol burns away.

Don't you worry about a thing, now, Claude.

I'm fully covered by fire insurance.

Oh!

There, now, Patrick.

There.

And little glory.

A friend of mine, who may drop in later,

calls this the flaming Mame.

Who? Who? Who's going to drop in?

Just family, darling.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Don't be a scaredy cat, darling.

There's nothing to be frightened of whatsoever.

There, now.

Are we all lit?

Wouldn't you be happier

if I fixed you a daiquiri?

No, no, no. Not for a minute.

Your aunt Mamie made this for me.

I'm going to drink it. It looks just fine.

Mmm! This is spicy!

Try one of the striped ones, mums.

These a re tasty.

What are they?

Oh, just plain old pickled rattlesnake.

They're pure protein,

and they always marinate them

after they remove the fangs.

Why, Mr. Babcock,

you've gone out.

Don't bother, Mrs. Burnside.

Agnes!

Agnes, I told you to stay in your room.

But Mrs. Burnside, it's a quarter past 8:00,

and you told me--

I told you to take your pills

at a quarter past 8:00.

But my calcium pills are in the kitchen.

Auntie Mame!

Is that a member of the family?

Darned if I know.

It's a member of somebody's family.

Oh, Doris,

I would like you to meet my former secretary.

She's a little bit...

She's not quite herself at the moment.

We know all about these women's things,

don't we?

What's your name, dear?

Gooch.

You sit right over here beside me, Mrs. Gooch.

And what does Mr. Gooch do?

Oh, my father passed on.

Oh, no.

I mean your husband.

Now, now, Agnes.

Upsy daisy. Calcium time.

Pegeen, dear.

One thing about Auntie Mame, she's big-hearted.

When there's ever anybody in trouble, she's always...

I can see that.

Well, Vera and Lindsay.

Mame, darling.

Like an opening night without critics.

Mr. and Mrs. Upson,

Miss Upson, Mr. Babcock,

I would like you to meet

my dearest friend, Vera Charles,

and the publisher, Mr. Lindsay Woolsey.

I'm charmed to meet you, all of you.

Miss Charles, I've just got to tell you

how I adored you in Mary of Scotland.

Did you, dear? That was Helen Hayes.

Spirits!

Vera, darling,

can I persuade you to have a drink?

Yes, dear, anything but rum.

I've just been to the most awful party,

where they served nothing but daiquiris

made with honey.

Mame!

Acacius, darling! Gnothi Seauton.

Gnothi Seauton.

Oh, lord!

Mr. and Mrs. Upson, Mr. Babcock,

I would like you to meet Mr. Acacius Page,

Patrick's first schoolteacher in New York

and a man who had a great deal to do

with molding his character.

Haven't we met before?

I don't recognize the face.

Acacius, darling, your lotus juice.

Auntie Mame,

I thought this was going to be a family night.

Darling, this is our family.

Pegeen, are you having trouble?

Give her a helping hand.

Thank you.

Thanks, Lochinvar.

Courtesy of the house.

Look, I'm all right.

You've got problems enough of your own.

Don't I, though?

That's a pretty picture, I must say.

Yes, isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to propose a toast.

To this lovely young couple

as they start up

the ladder of life together.

Oh, no, no, Auntie Vera.

This isn't Gloria. That's Gloria.

Pity.

Mame, I brought you something.

What is it, Lindsay?

Be careful. The ink's wet.

My book!

Look, everybody, I'm in print, just like Edna Ferber.

Auntie Mame, you did it!

I never knew you went on with it.

Patrick, you had vision.

The way he managed it, Mame,

he's just like you.

My little lifesaver, Patrick! And Lindsay!

Patrick, you ol' meanie, why didn't you tell me

your aunt was literate?

Mame, am I mentioned in your book?

Mentioned? You're exposed.

Let's drink a toast to Live, Live, Live,

by Mame Dennis Burnside.

Step right up now, folks,

and get your red-hot chapters.

I've been to so many wonderful parties here.

Now I'll find out how they all ended.

I forgot about that time

we almost got caught in the speakeasy.

I was about 10 then.

Here's all about the roller skates

and uncle Beau

and that Christmas we were so broke.

Patrick.

My little Patrick.

You could write a whole book

about what happened to me.

I beg your pardon, Gloria?

You could write a whole book

about what happened to me.

Oh? Oh, thank you.

Yes. Bunny Bixler and I were in the semifinals--

the very semifinals, mind you--

of the ping-pong tournament at the club,

and this ghastly thing happened.

We were both playing way over our heads,

and the score was 29-28,

and we had this really terrific volley,

and I stepped back to get this really terrific shot...

And I stepped on the ping-pong ball.

Well, I just squashed it to bits.

Then Bunny and I ran

to the closet of the game room

to get another ping-pong ball,

and the closet was locked.

Imagine!

We had to call the whole thing off.

Well, it was ghastly!

Well, it was just ghastly!

But it was amusing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's hilarious!

What is?

Your story.

I'm so proud!

The whole last chapter's all about me.

"Fighting the...

"Stigma of...

The unwed mother."

Mr. Upson, you lucky devil,

your future son-in-law's featured

in one of the raciest books of the year.

Patrick, I had no idea how many times

you unzipped me and put me to bed.

Now just a minute!

There are young people here!

Mr. Upson, I only did it

when Miss Charles had passed out.

Well!

Thank you, Ito.

Don't tell me she can't come!

Who? Who? Who can't come?

That divine woman with the snakes we met in Paris.

She promised to entertain after dinner.

Vera, loan me your glasses.

"Read of forthcoming publication of our book.

"Hereby serve notice that am entitled

"to 1/2 of royalties

for invaluable services as editor and coauthor."

Brian!

Brian!

"Will return in a few days

to claim fruits of collaboration."

"My claim will be substantiated

by my wife, Agnes Gooch O'Banion."

- Wife? - Wife?

Agnes. Think, Agnes, think!

Think?

Try!

Maybe that wasn't a movie we went to.

Maybe that wasn't Gary Cooper.

It was Brian,

and the girl was...

- Me! - Agnes!

I'm a bride!

Oh, darling, congratulations!

Oh, isn't it wonderful, Patrick?

Oh, darling, I'm so happy for you!

Honey, isn't this terrific?

This is revolting.

How can you associate with people who--

who aren't absolutely top-drawer?

Come on, these are my oldest friends,

people who brought me up.

A bunch of riffraff.

I hope when we marry you won't invite

people like this to our house.

Who will be coming to our house?

Bunny Bixler and Muriel Puce?

What's wrong with Muriel puce?

Nothing, except she has the I.Q. Of a dead battery.

As for your other addlepated girlfriends,

they're a lot of vain, selfish, empty bigots!

Well!

Mame, it's marvelous!

You'll make a fortune out of this book.

She certainly will, but not for herself.

Mame's assigned all her royalties

to the Epstein home in Montebank.

Epstein the cellist?

What about Montebank?

Can't the Epsteins afford their own home?

Vera, they're not going to live there.

They're building a home there

for refugee Jewish children.

What's that?

Oh, no!

- Oh! - No!

Jackpot!

Pegeen, call Denmark quick and get ahold of Yul uhlu.

You maniac!

Are you all right, Doris?

You ready?

I've been ready for quite some time.

Come, glory.

You...

You!

Claude. Claude!

Don't be hasty! Claude! Claude!

Claude!

Oh!

For 9 years, Mame Dennis Burnside,

I have done everything in my power

to protect this boy

from your idiotic, cockeyed nincompoopery!

And now you've ruined everything.

All my plans for Patrick have just gone down--

Your plans?

You have the bill of fare, haven't you?

You're shouting orders for everyone.

Did it occur to you this boy might be hungry

for something you've never even heard of?

When Patrick first walked into my life,

a frightened little boy,

hanging on to Norah's hand,

it was love at first sight.

For 9 years,

I've tried to open some windows in his life.

You want to shut him up in some safe-deposit box!

I won't let you do that to my little one.

Oh, no.

He's not little anymore.

And he's not mine,

but he's not yours, Mr. Babcock.

Patrick won't allow you to settle him down

in some dry-veined restricted community,

make him an Aryan from Darien,

and marry him to a girl with braces on her brains.

Hee hee hee hee!

Mame, did you deliberately

plan all this?

Don't be ridiculous, Vera.

You know Patrick always makes all his own decisions.

Rattlesnake, anyone?

Thank you...

Lady Iris.

Charmed...

Lord Dudley.

Punjab, India. June 28, 1946.

Mr. and Mrs. Patrick Dennis,

224 east 50th street, New York.

Dear Patrick and Pegeen,

arriving from India June 31st.

Please meet me Beekman Place apartment.

Must return India in 2 weeks

when uncle Lindsay will have finished his course

in yoga.

Auntie Mame?

Auntie Mame!

What were you doing in there?

Oh, just giving Michael his presents, darling.

Look, dad.

Which is the front, Auntie Mame?

Oh, my little love, let me help you.

There, now. Salaam for your mother

like Auntie Mame just taught you.

Ah, very good, sahib.

That's not a real sword, is it?

It's a scimitar.

Oh, dear.

That's what I always say.

In Hindustani, that means,

"the water oxen are waiting at the gate."

My water oxen's waiting at Idlewild,

pan American flight 100 for Karachi.

Oh, Michael,

if I could only show you India--

the color, the splendor, the mystery,

the elephants in the streets.

Now, Auntie Mame.

I know. I know.

I shouldn't even bring up the possibility

of Michael's going to India with me.

But Auntie Mame said she'd love to have me.

She said so right in there.

It's ridiculous, darling. I won't hear of it.

Dad?

Look, it's out of the question.

You heard your mother.

You know what your trouble is?

You don't live, live, live!

Life is a banquet,

and most poor suckers are starving to death.

Oh, there's one thing you've got to remember.

School begins the day after labor day.

He must be back by then.

Naturally.

Of course.

Labor day.

That's sometime in November, isn't it?

It's the first week in September, Auntie Mame.

Labor. The problem of labor in India is gargantuan.

What's gargantuan, Auntie Mame?

Oh, Michael, on the plane

I'll give you a pad and pencil,

and you can write down

all the words you don't understand.

Well, now, I've been out shopping all morning

for your traveling gear,

so let's go upstairs and try things on.

Oh, Michael, I'm going to open doors for you,

doors you never even dreamed existed.

I give up. She's the pied Piper.

Oh, what times we're going to have.

What vistas we're going to explore together.

We'll spend a day at an ancient Hindu temple.

The head monk is a friend of Auntie Mame's.

Perhaps he'll let you ring the temple bells

that bring the monks to prayer.

There, on the highest tower on a clear day,

you can see the Taj Mahal.

Beyond that is a beautiful...