Original subtitles

Okay, Max, here are the paint chips for our new dessert bar.

Don't eat them. This isn't your childhood.

These are all pink.

You want the walls of our bar to be all pink?

It'll be the first time someone drinks

after they enter a vagina.

Oh, hey-- no vagina in the dina.

Or your apartment. Ever.

You know, this isn't Hooters.

The v-bomb isn't usually batted around the workplace.

Speaking of batting things around,

our cat wants you to come over again.

Yesterday you said your cat

was too cool to hang out with me.

So which is it?

'Cause I am free tonight.

(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Hey, everybody!

You know what today is?

I hope it ain't the 15th,

'cause that means I missed dialysis.

No, I'm 20 weeks preggers.

And it's time for Oleg and I to choose the godparents.

You know, it's an old Polish tradition.

Like pierogies and public hangings.

Godparents?

God didn't even give me parents-parents.

He just gave me some lady that took me home from the hospital

in a Blockbuster Video bag.

It's a big decision.

You have to pick a couple who would raise the child

with your beliefs and values.

And Hugh Hefner and whoever he's banging

already said no.

Yeah, so I'm making a list.

But Oleg doesn't want anyone in prison.

You know, so that knocks out most of the women in my family.

You know, you guys could also have

these conversations at home.

But this counter is where they made the baby.

Hey, Earl.

Oh, good, I need somebody strong.

Uh, would you carry this over there,

put some coffee in it,

and bring it back to me?

I'll hot this up in a second.

Just let me hot this one up first.

What're you doing here?

I know you don't like me to bother you

during your free time,

but I missed you.

And I want to tell you something in person.

Well, whatever it is, I probably have it too.

And I probably had it first.

It's not that.

But now I'm worried.

No, I met with this law firm in Manhattan,

and they want to make me a partner.

They're making you a partner?

Well, then they're gonna catch it too.

So, Randy,

you really are a lawyer?

I thought you just played lawyers in gay porn.

Thanks.

I will tell my trainer.

He was in gay porn.

Hey, Buzz Lightyear,

I'm still waiting for that coffee.

All right, well, I'll be in my booth

working on my godparent list.

And whoever we pick should be like one of those

perfect families on TV like, well, the Brady's,

and the Huxtables...

Or, you know what? Scratch that last one.

Wow, if you're considering moving to New York,

it must be a pretty good job.

Well, there's a couple other reasons.

The bagels.

I have tickets to Hamilton in seven years.

And there's this girl here I kind of like.

Who is she? I'll kill her.

So two of the partners want to take me out tomorrow night

to some fancy private dinner at someplace called Beak.

(gasps) You're going to Beak?

It's hidden away in a private apartment,

practically under the Williamsburg Bridge,

so you pretty much have to walk.

How awful and chic is that?

I read in Time Out that that place is so exclusive,

it's technically not even a restaurant.

Big deal.

This diner gets called "not a restaurant" all the time.

Hey, did they tell you to just bring Max,

or was it more of a "bring whoever"?

-Um... -I'll take that as a yes.

I'd love to join you at Beak tomorrow night.

How could I say no to Beak?

It's spring, so that's peak Beak.

(laughs)

So you want to go?

Want to be my date?

Nah, pass.

Fancy restaurants are one of the three things I don't do.

You know the other two.

Didn't we blow past those week one?

Max, are you crazy?

Why, is one of my pupils getting all small?

It happens now. I don't know why.

What was that out there?

"Nah, pass."

Randy's not just asking you to dinner-dinner.

This isn't about food.

It's about your future together.

He's moving here for you.

You just "naw pass"-ed on Randy.

Weird, I didn't love your impression the first time,

but I loved it the second.

Randy's moving here for a job.

This dinner isn't about some law partners.

It's about you and him as partners.

Do you hear words I don't?

You're going to that dinner, young lady, end of discussion.

Oh, that was so mom-ish!

I wouldn't know. I've never met one.

(knocking)

Oh, good, this is it.

We knocked on another apartment door,

but the only thing they were cooking was meth.

We walked across a bridge for this?

This is basically my apartment, except our wild birds are alive.

Randy, you made it.

And I mean, you made it because you're eating at Beak.

I mean, the wait list here is longer

than an episode of HBO's Vinyl.

Max, this is Marissa, one of the partners.

Marissa, this is Max.

She's my girlfriend.

Max? Cute.

Is that short for Maxine?

Technically, it's long for "meh."

Sorry, I don't get it.

Probably because of the Klonopin I had to take

when that homeless man tried to talk to me on the way in.

Uh, Max, this is Leila, another partner at the firm,

and her wife, Lei.

She's not just my wife. She's also a star on Instagram.

See? I talk about your accomplishments.

I put wigs on statues

and then photograph them from behind.

That's it?

That's it.

LEILA: Max...

are you a lawyer too?

Uh, no, but I presided over a food court or two in my day.

Max and her partner, Caroline, are in the process

of opening a dessert bar.

And I don't mean "partner" in the romantic sense.

I've got that department covered.

Well, welcome, Randy and Max.

You know, I've been hoping to add another

straight couple to the law firm mix,

but, you know, they're so hard to find nowadays.

Lei and I met on an

Orange is the New Black message board.

It's kind of become the lesbian Tinder.

Uh, Randy, wasn't there rumor of a third?

Oh, I keep pitching that, but he "likes me too much."

Again, don't quite get it.

Little hazy.

Well, I'll have to tell the chef he's preparing

oyster foam for six.

I'm sorry, "oyster foam"?

Foam from an oyster?

That sounds delicious.

I know your idea of fine dining is a ham and cheese Hot Pocket,

but I am really glad you came.

Oh, here's Lenin.

Um, Randy, Max, this is Lenin.

He's the chef. And my lover.

We have sex too.

Lei and I are "post sex."

All intimacy, no penetration.

I'll be serving a meal of seven bird-themed courses,

each one it's own unique flight of fancy.

Not my words, a very giggly Anderson Cooper.

Now, before we begin, do either of you

have any food allergies?

Just one: birds.

I don't get her, either.

Let's all sit.

Max.

Why do you want me to sit that far from the table?

That's me being polite.

You are in for such a treat.

Lenin is a real artist.

He spends all day making these teeny-tiny,

delicate little meals, which is why I pay our rent.

Our first course is a French delicacy.

The Ortolan Bunting bird, roasted and eaten whole.

Just grasp the bird by its head and start eating at the feet.

Enjoy. Obviously.

Can't wait to get that bird foot in my mouth.

How's the baby pigeon and oyster foam, Max?

Oh, delicious.

It's amazing how full babies can make you.

RANDY: No, Lei, way too many photos

of me eating foam.

Like a rabid dog.

(knocking)

Oh, good. This is it.

The guy who opened the other apartment door

wasn't wearing pants.

Or underwear.

Or was circumcised.

Hi! I'm here.

What did I miss?

The point of literally every movie we see together.

Marissa, this is Caroline, Max's business partner.

She texted she was coming.

She's usually not covered in this much sweat.

Sorry, I had to run across the bridge,

'cause you need a credit card for one of those city bikes.

Um, if I had a credit card,

why would I be riding a damn bike?

I'm at Beak. I'm trendy again!

Fifth course.

Tiny poached noisy scrubbird with fiddle ferns

and fermented egg.

Oh, that sounds so gross. I bet it's great.

Max, eat.

I sure will.

When I used to watch Tweety Bird,

all I could think was, "God, that looks delicious."

You're doing great.

Who wants some more wine?

I'm guessing Max.

I can't believe we're here,

eating the finest-- what'd he say this was?

Blue jay?

Aren't you proud of me?

I got through the first four courses.

That's more courses than I finished in high school.

Oh, look at this pretentious,

deliberately relaxed large napkin.

Love it and hate it.

What is that?

This first four courses!

I cheated, like in high school!

I couldn't eat it; it's gross.

No, gross is when you hand the guy at Del Taco

65 cents and tell him to surprise you.

You are judging me for not eating most of my

Saturday morning cartoon lineup?

You want to chomp down on Foghorn Leghorn?

When a great guy like Randy is moving to New York for you,

yes, you have to eat your childhood favorites!

Anyone like to come see the de-spining

of the tiny trumpeter bird?

This could push me over a million followers.

I can't eat that, Caroline.

And I have nowhere to put it

My bra is at crazy capacity.

The fire marshal almost kicked out my left boob.

Why can't you just try it?

You've had worse things in your mouth.

He's moving here to be with you.

He's moving here for a job.

Look, whatever comes next, just put it in your mouth

and eat it.

Well, I did not know the bird was gonna be alive.

Worst part? Making eye contact.

Creamed kimchi and pelican tongue

with Asian pear.

LENIN: Enjoy.

The least you can do is swallow a little tongue.

Tongue swallowing? Foam?

This isn't a restaurant; it's a heroin overdose.

I love you.

Good for you, Max!

This is real growth.

Is it bad I feel like the tongue is tasting me back?

Max, you look sweaty.

Like when you try to do math.

I think that tongue is looking for an exit.

Randy, we're really excited for you to come work for us.

How fast can you move to New York?

Not as fast as I have to get to that bathroom.

Excuse us,

we have to go to the little sparrow's room.

Nope, it's cool, false alarm.

Nope, real alarm. Very real alarm.

-Should I come in with you? -No!

Even I don't want to go in there!

I doubt this door is soundproof, so talk loud.

Just start with your normal volume,

and then dial it down a notch.

Oh, Marissa!

You have to tell me where you found these fabulous glasses.

Restoration Hardware?

Crate and Barrel?

CAROLINE: Restoration Hardware Modern?

West Elm? CB2?

CB3? Is there one of those yet?

-(vomiting) -You know what?

Let's get some music going!

Like some really loud dubstep,

'cause I'm running out of breath.

Oh, there's no music allowed here.

It would get in the way of hearing the symphony of taste.

Not my words.

Okay, they were my words.

I think I'd like to make a toast.

Oh, no, please don't make a toast.

I've begun not to like you.

Seriously, Lenin.

Not even a little light piano?

You don't need to reinvent the freaking wheel here.

Hey, Caroline, please. Just sit.

You know what, I see if I have another Klonopin.

-I'm fine. -It's not for you.

Caroline.

Should I go in there?

'Cause I am not hearing the standard

tinkle and a hand wash.

No, don't move. Stay there.

That noise is just the pipes backing up a little.

Well, a lot.

CAROLINE: Oh, Lord!

They're young.

(chuckles)

My camera needs to be in there.

Enough with the camera!

I'm alive!

(knocking)

Max.

Where are you going?

Anywhere but here!

RANDY: Max, seriously!

(knocking) What's going on in there?

CAROLINE: Everything's okay in here!

We'll be out in a minute.

RANDY: If you're not gonna let me in, at least--

Max!

Wait up!

You don't have to be embarrassed in front of me.

I've seen worse.

Okay, no I haven't.

Just go away!

I can't take that sad look.

It's the same look you gave Chestnut

that time he crapped on the couch.

I'm fine alone; you didn't have to leave.

No, I did.

They couldn't possibly think one person

was responsible for all that.

Plus, I don't want to leave you.

You're sick.

I think it's beyond sick.

I lost bone mass in there.

My shoes are too big now.

I'm so embarrassed!

Hey, it happens.

You got a stomach ache.

You're just not used to rich food.

I'm not used to rich anything.

And if this is Randy's world--

uh, bird bones and pretentious people--

then maybe my body is telling me I can't take it.

Max, if I got used to buying earrings at the AMPM,

you can get used to fancy food and pretentious people.

You don't get it!

He is moving here for me.

Oh, do you think so?

I wish your best friend

had been telling you that for two days.

He's moving his whole life.

I don't know how to do that.

I didn't even know how to react when he moved my chair for me.

You were right, it's not about the food;

it's about our future, and I just vomited

all over our future.

What?

I hate to say this, but you need a mint.

Sorry, I love you, but you need a mint.

I need to disappear.

What do you think of the name Sheila Newman?

Max!

Randy.

Great, just in time to see me jump.

What happened? Where'd you go?

Oh, I jumped on that bike so fast,

my man parts are no longer talking to me.

She didn't want to be sick in front of you.

You got sick?

Okay, fine, we all heard it.

But why did you leave without saying something?

Because words were the only thing

not coming out of my mouth.

Max?

You're not gonna look at me?

I can't.

Wait, here.

Now she can.

You better get back there.

I don't want you to lose that job.

I don't want that job.

I don't know how many more pills Marissa took,

but she passed out in a pot of clam steam.

I missed clam steam?

I've been reading about his clam steam.

Please stop saying "clam steam."

I can actually smell the words.

Okay, Max.

You are starting to turn green again,

so why don't you hop on, and I will ride you home

on my bicycle like a real man.

I don't know, Randy.

A lot of stuff came up for me at that dinner.

And I'm not just talking about

every single thing I ate this year.

I mean, maybe I'm not right for you.

Hey.

Don't be so hard on yourself about tonight.

I mean, look at me.

I'm not brave enough to eat in that diner.

Come here, you.

Maybe wait another 60 seconds.

I think we are different.

But we kind of go together.

Like peppered baby bird bladder and pesto.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

That's gonna do it!

Wrong night to be driving a convertible.

Oh, wait-- no, no, no, no, no, no.

(both laugh)

So how's your first diner burger?

It's not bad.

I'm getting a little something.

Um...mesquite?

Yeah, they die in the fan and then fall on the grill.

I'll take mosquito burger over pelican any day.

Interesting, Randy.

You get two waitresses paying attention to you

and most people get none.

Like that one over there,

over there, and that gentleman over there

who's just giving up and leaving.

Fine, Han, we will go over to the counter

and continue to talk.

I know I say a lot of stuff about you,

especially to your face,

but thank you for your help last night.

I know you would have done the same thing for me.

But if I ever get that sick,

you have my permission to kill me.

I mean, when you went into that toilet, looking for my earring,

I knew I had found my post-sex partner.

SOPHIE: You did that for her?

Wow!

And all this time, we've been looking for

the perfect couple to be godparents,

and they're right under our noses.

Girl-on-girl godparents.

I like it.

You two girls are gonna be great with the baby.

SOPHIE: I mean, Caroline,

you were elbow-deep in Max's upchuck.

I mean, I wouldn't even do that for my own father

when he swallowed all those bees.

Wow, Sophie, this is such a huge compliment.

Tucked away in a terrible personal memory.

Well, if something would ever happen to us,

let Max do the breast feeding.

'Cause, yeah, I don't want the kid to starve.

This is exciting!

Randy, I'm gonna be a godfather.

And equally as exciting,

I'm gonna be climbing out of that bathroom window

in about two minutes.

(cash register dings)